I noticed when I read this first chapter before, but the spoken parts seem a bit off from how someone would speak normally IMHO.
"...what if it’s a Pokemon I don’t like, such as a Dunsparce or Shuckle?”
The 'such as' sounds odd, maybe
"...what if it’s a Pokemon I don’t like, like Dunsparce or Shuckle?”
'Why do you have to look at things in such a negative point of view?'
'Why do you have to look at everything so negatively?'
'“It’s a Teddiursa, known by naturalists as a honivorous ursine-cub.'
' “It’s a Teddiursa, it's scientific name is honivorous ursine-cub.'
"You should know that, seeing as you have lived in a breeding center all your life.”
It sounds like you are just making the grandma say that you tell the reader the information, rather than telling it in the text. It seems a bit out of character than a grandma would be that formal to her granddaughter, maybe just something like...
“With some Pokemon biting is a sign of affection. You should know that, Jessika.” Her grandmother said with a smile
“Well, I suppose I was too startled and in pain to realize that.”
"Well, I guess the surprise and pain made me forget for a moment."
Jessika had spent her entire life working with young Pokemon, and none of them had ever looked at her in such a loving way. She understood at this very moment that this was the start of a glorious relationship.
Jessika had spent her entire life working with young Pokemon but none of them had ever looked at her in such a loving way (as this little bear was now).
"I promise that I shall take care of it and never let any harm befall it!”
I do declare, when did she become a southern bell/English lady
?
" I promise that I will take care of it and never let anything bad happen to it!”
(Maybe you might want to replace if with a cute little nick name in the second line, showing her love for it like 'my sweet honey cub' etc)
She understood at this very moment that this was the start of a glorious relationship.
(Too much of a statement maybe?)
It was at that moment that she felt all the beginning warmth of what she was sure in her current optimistic state would be a glorious relationship...(etc)
“It’s a complicated way of saying ‘a baby bear that eats honey, but you needn’t worry about that being all it eats. It also eats nuts, berries, and almost all kinds of meat…humans being an exception, of course.”
'“It’s a complicated way of saying ‘a baby bear that eats honey’, but you don't have to worry about that being all it eats. It can live off of nuts, berries, and almost all kinds of meat as well…humans being an exception, of course.”
I do like the story but the wording just doesn’t fit somehow to me...
