DeliriousAbsol
Call me Del
About time I got around to reading this, as I've loved the art work I've seen for it! I apologies if the quote tags mess up. They've not been my friend as of late.
Chapter 1
A good start so far. But I am left wondering whether Shine is a luxio or a luxray? That hasn't been described soon enough, I don't think. This may just be my personal preference, however! If I hadn't seen any of your art work prior, I wouldn't know he was even in that evolution line until you mentioned the photo of him as a shinx. Although this is probably deliberate given it's set from his POV. We do find out towards the end, though, which confirms which one of his evolution line he is.
Excellent job here. Haven't even met Curio yet, and I'm already picking up her personality even from this photo alone.
I love the introduction of a talking pokemon. There's also a lot of intrigue with this facility. Pulled into this straight away, as I want to know what's going on here. Were the pokemon taught to talk and read? At first, the thought of an alakazam reading books was a little surprising, then I recalled they have a high IQ and likely could read. But a talking pokemon has me wondering if there's more at work here, akin to the Rats of NIMH.
Given he's broken off the sentence, I'm wondering if an ellipses or a hyphen as opposed to a full stop might be better? Probably just a stylistic thing, but I wanted to suggest it in case you prefered the idea. It's fine as is, imo.
Dang, I'm surprised he gave up his collar though. I wonder how his trainer will react when he finds that out?
Ah, the problems of paws... This was kinda cute.
Interesting how accepting other humans appear to be of Shine's ability to speak. It seems pokemon using human tongue isn't a vastly uncommon occurrence.
Very good first chapter. I do hope he finds his friend soon, and I'm interested to see how his teaching lessons go with the goodra!
I also like Bauble. She seems to be filled with personality. I wonder what she gets up to and whether or not she has a trainer?
Small typos:
'Would'
I've noticed a few instances like this. 'She' should be written with a lower case 's' after speech, as it's a continuation of a sentence. You've done this in other areas with 'said' following a full stop instead of a ',' but I think these ones may be oversights.
Chapter 2
Wow, he doesn't fly well at all!! Also, it took me until now to realise Adele had gone with him. Wow, I'm slow. Thinking back, it was pretty obvious. She's not exactly gonna let him fly off on his own and risk losing her dragonite, is she? XD
I'm a bit worried about those Thousand Claws, and it certainly explains the humans' apprehension towards Shine.
Leafeon marking her scent is very 'animal like'. (I'm also quite amused at Shine's revulsion to the idea of taking that item off her because of it!) I quite like how you're keeping the pokemon more like animals in that regard, given how their intelligence is very human-like.
Yikes! How big is the bar counter?!
So many personalities in this bar, and I love it!
More information on Thousand Claws. They sound like a right mean group. Dead ratatta bodies in the alleys? A real cat and mouse scenario, huh? The hinted horrors of GeL have caused even more intrigue, too.
I love the details in this chapter. The chess pieces are a delight! I would actually love to see one like this in real life. I wonder what pokemon the other pieces would be based off? I'd also like to see these guys in the bar again. I really liked them (and for some reason, imagined the delphox talking a bit like Finnick from Zootopia XD )
Little typos:
Think this needs to be 'almost as tall as them'
Just missing an 'and'
Chapter 3
Well, Shine stumbled onto some luck here coming across another lucario. Shame that then turned when he encountered the Thousand Claws!
I wasn't expecting how things would play out with Curio. That explains her antics. I wonder if those cats will stay away for good, or come back and cause trouble later on?
At least he found her. Hope that wound doesn't get infected though, those cats sounded filthy!
The description of the lucario talking in animal grunts raises the suggestion that they don't say their names anime style. If that's the case, that makes Shine and other pokemon's use of human tongue much more impressive!
Small typo I stumbled across:
'Corner'
This is fantastic so far. I wanted to get these reviews out first, as I still have a little way to go to catch up yet! I'm looking forward to the rest =D
EDIT to avoid double post:
Chapter 4
Teaching the pikachu was adorable. I loved the description of the cafe. Sounds like somewhere I would go!
I also quite like Curio's personality. From the way she speaks to kicking that can down the road like a tomboy. She seems to contrast with Shine, and I like that.
Curio didn't like being asked about that interview. Can't say I blame her. Her response didn't seem jarring or out of character, either, which is great.
Interesting. So she doesn't trust humans? I'd also like to know whether she's just assuming Shine's trainer is a 'he' or if they've met at some point. It would be an interesting twist.
Nice to see the pokemon from the bar back! Bit of a shame Delphox didn't show himself, but Quilladin's reaction was funny XD man, Chess is a hard game.
The cuteness!!
All these supporting characters are written so well, and each have memorable personalities. I know similar things have been said by other reviewers, but I wanted to echo it as it's really fantastic. The whole cast just feels alive.
Ooh, Curio wants to fight him. There really is a lot of history being hinted at here that makes me just want to keep on reading and find out what went down between these two, and what seems to have gotten Curio's gogoat.
Some typos:
'of'
'she'
Chapter 5
Aww, Shine and Curio are adorable together!
That fight was rather quick, poor Shine! I was kinda expecting him to win, but she practically one-shot him! XD Just to blow off some steam. I'm glad they made up and are heading back together.
Its a shame this might be the last we see of these side characters (although, I won't be surprised if they come back at some point.) However, I have faith any other characters you introduce will be just as memorable and well crafted!
'built'
Chapter 6
This was a fun chapter with Curio's fun and games with the shopping cart! Moments like this really give us an insight into their characters and just how drastically different they are.
Not sure if this is a typo meant to read 'as if their lives depended on it', or if it's deliberately worded to make it sound like Accendare is a flying death trap. Given their reactions, it fits! Brought it up just in case.
Some typos:
'wanderin''
'each'?
Chapter 7
Trying to picture a dragonite making a daisy chain. It must be pretty delicate work! I love that little detail, keeping her paws busy. (Plus, daisies are pretty tiny! So she's obviously careful despite her size!) It makes things feel natural, as not everyone sits idly while nattering.
I'd like to say, I really don't want to be involved in any games with a goodra or any of its kin. I mean... imagine a gigantic slug throwing slime at you? cringe
Yikes! Not something one often things about amid the fluffy Pokemon Anime-verse. I do like how Shine is disturbed by this. Maybe because he's more domesticated?
Curio is as blunt as ever with poor Remy. I like how he took that on the chin! I couldn't help but be amused at Curio acting like a dog as the children pet her, though. It was surprising, too, as I'd have expected Shine to be more up for being petted as opposed to Curio. There is so much to these two characters!
Some typos:
'herself'
I think you're missing 'him' here?
'looking'
Chapter 8
Interesting chapter. Curio seems very sceptical of humans, and rather disrespectful too. It makes it difficult to full-on like her in this chapter, but that's fine. I'm interested to find out what it was that led her to how she is now.
It's nice seeing more of Tony. He's very patient, and accepting of Shine's desires to run off and find his old friend. Maybe we'll find out the details of how he met Shine later on?
Small typo I found:
Missing who she gave it to.
This is a cool story, and I look forward to more. I hope things go well for you with job hunting and Uni and such!
Chapter 1
A good start so far. But I am left wondering whether Shine is a luxio or a luxray? That hasn't been described soon enough, I don't think. This may just be my personal preference, however! If I hadn't seen any of your art work prior, I wouldn't know he was even in that evolution line until you mentioned the photo of him as a shinx. Although this is probably deliberate given it's set from his POV. We do find out towards the end, though, which confirms which one of his evolution line he is.
Tony nodded and switched the screen over to a sheet of photos featuring mugshots of the 18 Pokémon involved in the project against a featureless background. Beside the 16 other Pokémon, there was him in his Shinx form looking afraid, and there was Curio in her Riolu form sticking her tongue out at the camera.
Excellent job here. Haven't even met Curio yet, and I'm already picking up her personality even from this photo alone.
I love the introduction of a talking pokemon. There's also a lot of intrigue with this facility. Pulled into this straight away, as I want to know what's going on here. Were the pokemon taught to talk and read? At first, the thought of an alakazam reading books was a little surprising, then I recalled they have a high IQ and likely could read. But a talking pokemon has me wondering if there's more at work here, akin to the Rats of NIMH.
“My collar is.” He paused.
Given he's broken off the sentence, I'm wondering if an ellipses or a hyphen as opposed to a full stop might be better? Probably just a stylistic thing, but I wanted to suggest it in case you prefered the idea. It's fine as is, imo.
Dang, I'm surprised he gave up his collar though. I wonder how his trainer will react when he finds that out?
Unfortunately, the safe wasn’t Pokémon friendly, as the code could only be punched in on a small keypad. He had to type in the code with his muzzle, which took a few tries but once he entered the right combination, it opened with a satisfying click, revealing the vast amounts of money inside.
Ah, the problems of paws... This was kinda cute.
Interesting how accepting other humans appear to be of Shine's ability to speak. It seems pokemon using human tongue isn't a vastly uncommon occurrence.
Very good first chapter. I do hope he finds his friend soon, and I'm interested to see how his teaching lessons go with the goodra!
I also like Bauble. She seems to be filled with personality. I wonder what she gets up to and whether or not she has a trainer?
Small typos:
She was have a lot to tell him as well
'Would'
“Well?” She prodded.
I've noticed a few instances like this. 'She' should be written with a lower case 's' after speech, as it's a continuation of a sentence. You've done this in other areas with 'said' following a full stop instead of a ',' but I think these ones may be oversights.
Chapter 2
The first thing Shine did when Accendare landed was topple over to the ground and throw up. His head swam, his face felt like it was melting, and his whole body generally felt unpleasant. At that time, he didn’t want to think about Curio, about Tony back home, about Bauble or anybody else. He didn’t even want to think about himself. He locked himself up in his little bubble, only burst by the presence of Accendare and Adele beside him.
Wow, he doesn't fly well at all!! Also, it took me until now to realise Adele had gone with him. Wow, I'm slow. Thinking back, it was pretty obvious. She's not exactly gonna let him fly off on his own and risk losing her dragonite, is she? XD
I'm a bit worried about those Thousand Claws, and it certainly explains the humans' apprehension towards Shine.
Leafeon marking her scent is very 'animal like'. (I'm also quite amused at Shine's revulsion to the idea of taking that item off her because of it!) I quite like how you're keeping the pokemon more like animals in that regard, given how their intelligence is very human-like.
He entered, being greeted with the quietude of the late afternoon, with only a few young trainers crowded around the pool table, clearly not there for the drink. The only other noticeable figure was a Venusaur, most likely the place's namesake, plopped down on the corner of the bar counter above with its eyes closed. Shine padded over to it and crane his head up. It let one of its eyes open, looking down at him with a vacant expression.
Yikes! How big is the bar counter?!
So many personalities in this bar, and I love it!
More information on Thousand Claws. They sound like a right mean group. Dead ratatta bodies in the alleys? A real cat and mouse scenario, huh? The hinted horrors of GeL have caused even more intrigue, too.
I love the details in this chapter. The chess pieces are a delight! I would actually love to see one like this in real life. I wonder what pokemon the other pieces would be based off? I'd also like to see these guys in the bar again. I really liked them (and for some reason, imagined the delphox talking a bit like Finnick from Zootopia XD )
Little typos:
….with their farming Pokémon almost tall as them by their side.
Think this needs to be 'almost as tall as them'
Leafeon nodded wordlessly as Shine turned made his way down the hill again.
Just missing an 'and'
Chapter 3
Well, Shine stumbled onto some luck here coming across another lucario. Shame that then turned when he encountered the Thousand Claws!
I wasn't expecting how things would play out with Curio. That explains her antics. I wonder if those cats will stay away for good, or come back and cause trouble later on?
At least he found her. Hope that wound doesn't get infected though, those cats sounded filthy!
The description of the lucario talking in animal grunts raises the suggestion that they don't say their names anime style. If that's the case, that makes Shine and other pokemon's use of human tongue much more impressive!
Small typo I stumbled across:
It didn’t take long for him to find the Lucario, who was sat in a corned amongst different young trainers and their Pokemon...
'Corner'
This is fantastic so far. I wanted to get these reviews out first, as I still have a little way to go to catch up yet! I'm looking forward to the rest =D
EDIT to avoid double post:
Chapter 4
Teaching the pikachu was adorable. I loved the description of the cafe. Sounds like somewhere I would go!
I also quite like Curio's personality. From the way she speaks to kicking that can down the road like a tomboy. She seems to contrast with Shine, and I like that.
Curio didn't like being asked about that interview. Can't say I blame her. Her response didn't seem jarring or out of character, either, which is great.
“Eh, chicks,” Quilladin said, “To be fair, she ain’t too friendly with Barley’s trainer either. The vibe of the room gets really awkward when those two are talking.”
Interesting. So she doesn't trust humans? I'd also like to know whether she's just assuming Shine's trainer is a 'he' or if they've met at some point. It would be an interesting twist.
Nice to see the pokemon from the bar back! Bit of a shame Delphox didn't show himself, but Quilladin's reaction was funny XD man, Chess is a hard game.
He called over to them and the two scurried over to him, with Pikachu pouncing on him, making him fall back. He licked Shine’s face, who couldn’t help but laugh.
The cuteness!!
After that, the group talked idly for what seemed like ages during the waiting period. Leafeon talked mostly about her situation with Franc, Pikachu talked about Curio’s lesson with Barley, who relayed it back to his trainer, while Quilladin revealed his situation to Shine, whose trainer was taking care of family matters out of town, whereas he chose to stay with Barley for a little bit while the dust settled. Plus, a little bit of unsuccessful flirting from Quilladin to Leafeon.
All these supporting characters are written so well, and each have memorable personalities. I know similar things have been said by other reviewers, but I wanted to echo it as it's really fantastic. The whole cast just feels alive.
Ooh, Curio wants to fight him. There really is a lot of history being hinted at here that makes me just want to keep on reading and find out what went down between these two, and what seems to have gotten Curio's gogoat.
Some typos:
Pikachu complied and Shine stood up again, looking at the two Pokémon. A lot of Pokémon in Dendemille seemed to have a habit on pouncing on others, he thought.
'of'
He needed to find out why Curio left him behind earlier and why he brought all the Pokémon to the park.
'she'
Chapter 5
Aww, Shine and Curio are adorable together!
That fight was rather quick, poor Shine! I was kinda expecting him to win, but she practically one-shot him! XD Just to blow off some steam. I'm glad they made up and are heading back together.
Its a shame this might be the last we see of these side characters (although, I won't be surprised if they come back at some point.) However, I have faith any other characters you introduce will be just as memorable and well crafted!
All the charge he build up had released.
'built'
Chapter 6
This was a fun chapter with Curio's fun and games with the shopping cart! Moments like this really give us an insight into their characters and just how drastically different they are.
...held on as their lives depended on it.
Not sure if this is a typo meant to read 'as if their lives depended on it', or if it's deliberately worded to make it sound like Accendare is a flying death trap. Given their reactions, it fits! Brought it up just in case.
Some typos:
“...Not everyday you get a Lucario wonderin’ around with an arm like this, you know.”
'wanderin''
...keeping close to reach other.
'each'?
Chapter 7
“I was curious, why did you decide to join us? You must’ve had something good in mind when you thought about learning human.”
“Of course,” she said, trying to put together a daisy chain, “I want to be able to talk to Adele.”
Trying to picture a dragonite making a daisy chain. It must be pretty delicate work! I love that little detail, keeping her paws busy. (Plus, daisies are pretty tiny! So she's obviously careful despite her size!) It makes things feel natural, as not everyone sits idly while nattering.
I'd like to say, I really don't want to be involved in any games with a goodra or any of its kin. I mean... imagine a gigantic slug throwing slime at you? cringe
When they arrived, they faced the back of the barn, which forked into two paths at each side leading to the house. They chose the one on the right and on the way there, they passed by two members of staff who lugged around two wheelbarrows full of Pokéballs. Shine couldn’t take his eye off it until they were out of his sight, knowing full well what purpose it had. Curio, however, didn’t bat an eye.
Yikes! Not something one often things about amid the fluffy Pokemon Anime-verse. I do like how Shine is disturbed by this. Maybe because he's more domesticated?
Curio is as blunt as ever with poor Remy. I like how he took that on the chin! I couldn't help but be amused at Curio acting like a dog as the children pet her, though. It was surprising, too, as I'd have expected Shine to be more up for being petted as opposed to Curio. There is so much to these two characters!
Some typos:
“I’m sorry,” she said, distancing himself away from him, “I didn’t mean to sound rude. Forget it.”
'herself'
“There’s no need to apologise,” he said, to which, Accy turned to face (),
I think you're missing 'him' here?
...on a primitive looked flame-fueled stove.
'looking'
Chapter 8
Interesting chapter. Curio seems very sceptical of humans, and rather disrespectful too. It makes it difficult to full-on like her in this chapter, but that's fine. I'm interested to find out what it was that led her to how she is now.
It's nice seeing more of Tony. He's very patient, and accepting of Shine's desires to run off and find his old friend. Maybe we'll find out the details of how he met Shine later on?
Small typo I found:
She reached into her bag and pulled out a model of a Noctowl, similar to the Magikarp she gave, except in full scale.
Missing who she gave it to.
This is a cool story, and I look forward to more. I hope things go well for you with job hunting and Uni and such!
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