The Curse of Kristenstarvion

[twilighteevee]

Note: Some Pokemon are just Fakemon. Actuually, Kristenstarvion is the only Fakemon. And please, be polite in replies. Don't spam like "u r a baaaaaaaaad fic riter!" I will just reply "" to you, and then you will be reported for spamming. Just note my mistakes, and I will fix them.

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Prologue

Long, long ago, there was a young girl who had an Eevee. They both loved to play, but their games often got them into battles. Soon they were playing more games then ever, just to battle. But as soon as people realized what was going on, they paid no heed to her and the Eevee. That changed as soon as a new rumor started.

"The girl Tica has a Legend!" one man shouted one day. Soon everyone was making their own version of the rumor.

"Tica is a Legend!"
"Tica is the Legend Master!"
"Tica has Legends!"

The word had spread throughout the region of Piari, that Tica could master any Legend Pokemon. But there was one problem. What was this Legend? Was it real? Was just a rumor? No one was sure. But they knew that one thing was sure. There were many adventures awaiting Tica.

Tica was walking through a forest at the time of the rumor's start. She was feeling great. Her smooth, white robe was now brown, from playing in the dirt. Her hair, which was a light shade of violet, was now covered by a beautiful crown. The crown was made of beautiful violet flowers. She looked around the ground, hoping to see a flower to put in her hair. She was truely the most beautiful person in the land. Her Eevee was now covered in a brown mane, and a brown tail. Tica ran to the top of a hill, and looked at the clouds.

Oh majestic clouds, you are great.
You love to be bright,
You love to be in light,
You love to soar,
You take away our sores.
We love you.

Her mind was always racing with songs, and anything was inspiration to her. Her Eevee looked up at the clouds with its own thoughts. She knew something would happen today. And she was right.

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So, what do you think?

 

[twilighteevee]

Well, I'm working on Chapter 1. No suggestions are necessary, I have the idea all set.

 

[Yami Ryu]

twilighteevee: Don't fraggin double post. It makes your forum IQ drop. That and it's against the rules.

Overall you're prolouge is flat and bland. Your charater comes off as a mary sue, and tbh with how the prolouge is, I am not holding my hopes up the first chapter is gonna be any better. I suggest you go read some other fics to get a feel for true character/character development.

 

[twilighteevee]

Are you saying it's too short?

 

[Yami Ryu]

Are you saying it's too short?

Being short and rushed isn't it's ONLY problems, and if you can't read what I said maybe I should simplify it for you. Your story is rushed, and short. It has the feel you wrote it in the reply box, instead of FOLLOWING THE RULES and writing it in a word writing program such as MS word or Note Pad.

Next your character Tica and her Eevee. They have bland personalities, they have nothing to them really. And with how you discribe Tica, and wrote her out/wrote about her, she comes off as a Mary Sue. The Eevee bit doesn't help you either, as Eevee's are supposedly rare/very uncommon pokemon.

So I suggest you follow what I first said and read other fics to get a feel of what you should probably do to make this better. And I advise you to also read Advice for Aspiring Authors and the rules for this forum before making the thje first chapter.

 

[twilighteevee]

*sigh* How come I get good reviews on small forums, but bad on big forums? I tested it on a small Forum, and everyone who read it liked it.

 

[Lily]

You mustn't get discouraged by a review! There's a fine line of difference between constructive criticism and blatant flame. What Yami Ryu told you, I admit, might've been harsh in terms of odd-topic comments, but use her review to enhance your story, rather than mulling over the lack of good reviews. Compliments alone cannot help you improve as a writer. Small forums tend to retain a small group of readers, whilst a larger one offers a broader audience. ^__^

As for mine...

As Yami Ryu stated above, please refrain from double-posting in the future. >P;

Your story had a problem of rushing, skipping what I've felt to be important events. For example, you've never extended on the rumor. You introduce the audience to Tica and Eevee, and the next thing we know, we're thrust into her adventure where legends and sheer beauty comes true. Try not to use excessive amount of benefits for your character, as that comes off rather bland and a nuisance.

It's a fine start to a story, only if you slow down a bit and take time to further explain Tica's significance and especially the Eevee's background. If planning on doing so later, then at least make an attempt on introducing us to the characters in a less abrupt matter. You definitely can make this prologue a whole lot better.

I sincerely hope you'll do well on the next installment. ^_~