~~~The diary of an Eevee Trainer~~~

[LatiasGirl]

CHAPTER 1--ESPEON
I live on a small farm with my mom & dad, In a small town called Eoné. We own the town's largest Eevee farm. We breed Eevee's and sell the eggs to trainers. Atleast, that's what my parents do. I never wanted to sell Pokemon, but thet allways told me, "Sence it's a farm, we need to sell them!"
Anyways, for my 13th birthday, my mom & dad gave me 6 Eevees to do whatever I wanted to do with them. Each Eevee I gave a collar. One had a purple collar, another, a black one, a blue one, a yellow one, a red one and a green one. One day, the Eevee with a purple collar was in trouble-- Some bratty boy was kicking it and picking on it,
"Hey, stop that!" I yelled, running over,
"What for? It's just a stupid fox anyways." He replied,
"No she's not. She's special. Just like all of my baby Eevee's." I told him.
"So?" He kicked her again,
"Vee..." Eevee sighed,
"Hey!" I pushed him, "Dont you EVER hurt a Pokemon like that AGAIN."
"Pfft. What ever. They're all stupid anyways." He said as he left.
"Eevee, are you okay?" I asked her,
"Vee..." she sighed as she started to glow, "Eevee! You're evolving!"
She evolved into... "Espe! Onn!!!" She said, as she ran over to me, and nuzzled her head against my leg, "Espeon. Cool," I said as I picked her up, and ran inside,
"I bet you need some medicine & food, dont you?" I asked,
"Espe!"

 

[Yami Ryu]

... I suggest you read an actual story, or mayhaps a book to get the grasp of how long chapters normally are. I also suggest you read the RULES and ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHOR threads. Then I suggest you get a word program and use it, instead of writing trite up in the reply box. I also suggest you don't use first person unless you excel in it, and that you don't rush your next story attempt, you describe it, you flush it out, you give the characters depth and emotion, and not have a mary sue twit running around being a breeder of eevees and getting an Espeon without any work, cause trust me, if in the game it takes you a whole lot of leveling and spoiling an eevee rotten, it's not gonna happen so quickly in a fic, or in a manga.

You had a potential for a good opening, but squandered it on flat characters, rushing the story so much you made it barely two paragraphs in total, making the main character out as a heroine instantly, with the use of the cliche pokemon abuser and an Eevee, which could have been pulled off well if you hadn't done what I've already pointed out.

Overall if I used a 1/10 style rating. This would get a -5 :/

So yeah, go read the threads I told you about and come back when you have something that you've put more than three seconds thought and one minute of effort into.

 

[LatiasGirl]

:| jsyk I have two successing fanfics on Nsider, and the eevee that evolved, the character had had for a whil;e. Also, it's just the prologe.

 

[SkyHighSwellow]

The label you used for it in big bolded letters says "CHAPTER 1", so how does that turn on to people as a prolouge?

Wow, that was... uh... Well, you need to make it longer. Craploads longer.

And grammar would do nicely, too. Use "and" instead of "&". And make sure you spellcheck in Word. "Sense" is not the same as "since". You spelled it "sence", which isn't really a word...

Please, use some detail.

Anyways, for my 13th birthday, my mom & dad gave me 6 Eevees to do whatever I wanted to do with them. Each Eevee I gave a collar. One had a purple collar, another, a black one, a blue one, a yellow one, a red one and a green one.

Wow. So there are six plain ordanary Eevees with different coloured collars. *yawn* How do they differ? Is the Blue collared one sassy? Does the yellow one tend to space out sometimes? Why don't you write a paragraph describing each Eevee? Tell me what they do for recreation, how they look, who they play with, etc.


Diaries answer questions about things that have happened to a person. What has happened? Is it life threatening? Does it effect the author greatly? How does this person feel about the event?

The "Advice for Aspiring Authors" thread that Yami Ryu pointed out is an incredible resource.

I am incredibly happy you paragraphed. Soooo happy.

 

[Yami Ryu]

CHAPTER 1--ESPEON

Yes, that's really a prologue. And oh, NSider? Why, does it lack critics and rules you must abide by? Does it lack users that never read any real stories or books, or are they all mindless guppies full of praise?

And how was I to know she had it for awhile? Oh wait, looking back and re-reading the skimpy detailing, now I see it, but if you had elaborated like you should have, it wouldn't have been such a hard detail to miss out on.

First person is hard but not so hard as you have to skimp out on detailing;

When I was contacted by this person, I thought he was joking. Seriously joking. But it seemed through a friend of a friend of a friend of mine, this guy had learned I was a good handler with animals of all sorts. Okay, don't get me wrong. I don't mind strange animals. I really don't. But you can't blame me when this guy all but conned me into coming to a zoo that had been abandoned evidently, and was in need of a good manager.

Right now though, I can only attempt to keep from strangeling him as I look at the sorry mess of a zoo I got myself attached to.

Animals were one thing.

Pokemon were a whole other world.

“How the hell did you get .. a .. a..” I pointed at the two large crates that were marked fire proof, and something .. growled in them. “What the hell are those anyways!?” I demanded, shrinking back slightly. The shady man grinned, “Got them off poachers smuggling them into America, how else? But kid, listen, if you don't want to-”

“I never said I didn't want too, I just want to know what the hell is in all the crates!” As I stood there, panting for breath after my scream, this guy still seemed to be nonchalant as he pulled out a red item and tossed it to me, I managed to catch it with reflex and luck.

“There, a pokedex. Don't break it now, that's mine kid,”

And he left me standing there dumbfounded, with the crates holding two somethings growling at me, and several more with hissing, squawking, or trilling. It took me a moment to realise the damn con artist was gone, and several more to get the red object to work. Finally I figured out I had to point it at the crates, and somehow, don't ask me how, the little red book like object knew what was in there, and flipped open in my hands. A picture flashed across a screen, wait several. Each was of a very, very big wolf-like creature with plumes of cream fur covering the head, parts of their legs near their feet, and a tail that seemed to be a giant fluff of the stuff. Stripes like tigers criss crossed all the backs and legs of the creatures in the pictures, and the final one showed the regal looking animal sitting proudly next to a human...

And it dwarfed the human. Even if it allowed me to see the chest had cream puff fur too.

I almost dropped the mechanical thing when it spoke in a basic, computerised voice. “Arcanine, the loyal dog pokemon. Arcanine are fire type canids that have developed the ability to use fire based attacks. Extremely fast and agile, Arcanine are also extremely loyal and fierce. Proude creatures, they only back down from a fight when the opponent is weaker, or has fled their territory.”

“…”

I looked up from the information holder, and to the first two crates.

Oh joy.

Only an excrept from a haitus story of Pokemon/Zoo Tycoon meshed together. And my part is larger than your whole chapter. Sorry, but I don't see how something skimped and rushed can really be doing so well, if you actually get decent reviewers.

I suggest you open up that mind of yours, and actually try next time, and not hide behind a shield of 'zomg I made two other fics and this did well in another forum!' :/

 

[Zephyr Flare]

Closing on quality. Please read the Fanfiction Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors before posting, it's for your own good and for reader's eyes.

Sandra