The Diary of an Invisible Trainer

[The Red Butterfly]

Hey Everyone I decided to write a second Fic along with my first one THE FINAL SHOWDOWN. I hope this one does a little better though. So after you read this let me know what you think!






8/29

Dear Diary,

My older brother just competed in the Whirl Island Cup and he won. I know I should be happy for him but I can't find the heart to be. You see ever since we were little my twin brother and I always loved Pokémon. Our parents gave us our first Pokémon when we were eight years old. He got the boy Nidoran since he's a boy and I got the girl Nidoran because I'm a girl. We loved those Pokémon more than anything so when we were ten our parents let us travel around Johto to master our skills.

My brother won battles left and right while I however lost every single one. It broke my heart when I had to go home and to explain why I had not one badge and my perfect brother had all eight. They said If I was going to slack off and not do my best and bring honor to my family name I shouldn't even be aloud to have a Pokémon. Thus when I went to sleep that awful night I wished that I could be as good as my brother and maybe even better. I pet my Nidoran and when it nudged up against me I knew everything was going to be alright.

The next morning however I woke up and my Nidoran wasn't by my side. I searched franticly around my house trying to find my one and only best friend. When my parents came home later that day I ran tear streaked to them begging to know where my Nidoran was. They told me I wasn't good enough to have a Pokémon and was a disgrace to our family. My Dad then explained to me how every member in our family for the past ten generations has carried the name of a legendary trainer and I was obviously not going to be one of them so I might as well give up they said.

Just like that they kept me in the dark away from the Pokémon world. I got so frustrated with them that one night I just ran away-far away not knowing where to go. Before I knew it I had found myself deep inside a cave. I soon realized I couldn't stay there forever so I started traveling again.

When I spotted new Pokémon I liked I caught them and trained them with the best of my abilities. The only time I battle is at night and even then I don't let the challenger see my face, I hide behind a tree or emerge behind a dark shadow. To this day I still do that, getting better and better with each match. Once I get good enough I will show my face and the world how powerful I really am and get revenge on the family that shut me out in the darkness.

Sincerely,
The Invisible Trainer

 

[Perfect Darkness]

Dear Diary,

My older brother just competed in the Whirl Island Cup and he won. I know I should be happy for him but I can't find the heart to be. You see ever since we were little my twin brother and I always loved Pokémon. Our parents gave us our first Pokémon when we were eight years old. He got the boy Nidoran since he's a boy and I got the girl Nidoran because I'm a girl. We loved those Pokémon more than anything so when we were ten our parents let us travel around Johto to master our skills.

My brother won battles left and right while I however lost every single one. It broke my heart when I had to go home and to explain why I had not one badge and my perfect brother had all eight. They said If I was going to slack off and not do my best and bring honor to my family name I shouldn't even be aloud to have a Pokémon. Thus when I went to sleep that awful night I wished that I could be as good as my brother and maybe even better. I pet my Nidoran and when it nudged up against me I knew everything was going to be alright.

The next morning however I woke up and my Nidoran wasn't by my side. I searched franticly around my house trying to find my one and only best friend. When my parents came home later that day I ran tear streaked to them begging to know where my Nidoran was. They told me I wasn't good enough to have a Pokémon and was a disgrace to our family. My Dad then explained to me how every member in our family for the past ten generations has carried the name of a legendary trainer and I was obviously not going to be one of them so I might as well give up they said.

Just like that they kept me in the dark away from the Pokémon world. I got so frustrated with them that one night I just ran away-far away not knowing where to go. Before I knew it I had found myself deep inside a cave. I soon realized I couldn't stay there forever so I started traveling again.

When I spotted new Pokémon I liked I caught them and trained them with the best of my abilities. The only time I battle is at night and even then I don't let the challenger see my face, I hide behind a tree or emerge behind a dark shadow. To this day I still do that, getting better and better with each match. Once I get good enough I will show my face and the world how powerful I really am and get revenge on the family that shut me out in the darkness.

Sincerely,
The Invisible Trainer

I fixed it up for you. Remember, paragraphs=good

~;353;

 

[Morpher01]

This fic has a good plot, as I, for some reason, like to see stories when kids run away from home. Just have the police looking for the Invisible Trainer and the plot will be perfect. But, that's just my opinion.


As Perfect Darkness said, you need paragraphs. A LOT. Just remember to paragraph and add a few commas here and there. I see a few places that could use some commas.

Overall, this fic has potential, but what I think would make it perfect is that you involve police looking for Invisible Trainer, add some commas and, most importantly, PARAGRAPH YOUR SENTENCES. Just do that and Dragonfree won't close this fic. At least, I think he won't...

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hmm, well Morpher01 has a point - you'd think the police would be looking for this runaway... unless of course it has been so long since they ran away that the trail has gone completely cold and the 'Invisible Trainer' is now presumed dead.

And I have to say that once Perfect Darkness had typed it out with paragraphs, it looked a whole heap better! People get very turned off when faced with a solid hunk of text - it's just scary and tricky to read. Reeks of effort that the reader may or may not want to put in. Also, you might wanna run the next chapter through a Spellchecker - cause I picked up some grammar and spelling mistakes in there. 'aloud' should be 'allowed', etc.

And I agree with the others - you've got the beginnings of a great plot! I'm not such a fan of 'kid runs away from home and becomes a trainer', but you've pulled it off so far in a way that is actually INTERESTING.

I thought the whole 'we'll take your pokemon cause you're not a pro' thing was a little dramatic - as was the desire to get revenge. I would have thought it would be limited to just wanting to prove her own worth to the family that thought she was worthless.

With her 'twin/older' brother, were you meaning that he's the older twin? That was a little confusing. Another confusing point was how she caught the pokemon. I assume she had some pokeballs with her? Her departure seemed haphazard to the point that I was wondering if she'd remembered to take pokeballs - or even money - with her.

Speaking of which, she's living off her winnings from the battles, right? Cause she'd need to buy stuff like clothes. (Assuming that she foraged for food and water.) I'm interested as to how she's living. You'll explain that soon?

Well, I'll be curious to see where you take this. You've got such potential here! PM me when the next chapter goes up, hmm? Thanks! ^^ Congratulations on a great start and good luck for the rest of it!

Piney.
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[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

I like! Use punctuation! But this is interesting, keep it going!

 

[The Red Butterfly]

THANK YOU GUYS!!!! I'll get more up during school break, probably in a few days!!!!!! So thank you!!!!!!^_^

 

[The Red Butterfly]

Well here's the next chapter! I hope you all like it! Please tell me what you think;032;


Somewhere in the busy city of Goldenrod a lady looked sadly at the missing poster tacked up onto the pokemon center wall. Her son approached her and put his arm around her for comfort.

“I’m a terrible person aren’t I?” she said in a faint whisper; tears started to form in her eyes. “No, you’re not terrible you were just doing what you thought was best for her.” The boy reassured her. Deep down however he knew she was right. “What if taking her pokemon away from her wasn’t the best for her. She was so much happier until we put all that pressure on her. As her mother I should have let her be to do what she wants, not force her to total misery. I wish I could go back and change this whole thing.” She said. Her voice was still in a low hush. “I’m sure she understands this.” The boy said while getting sadder and sadder the more he looked at the picture. “SHE UNDERSTANDS THIS? JAKE I DROVE MY DAUGHTER AWAY! THE POLICE GAVE UP LOOKING FOR HER FIVE YEARS GO! Your Father is still out there somewhere looking for her too and he hasn’t come back. Who knows what happened to her. She could be out there somewhere hurt, hungry or even dea-“ “SHE’S PROBABLY FINE!” Jake said stopping his mom from finishing her sentence. “I just hope so…” her mom said taking one final look at the picture. It was a picture of a happy ten year-old holding a nidoran and laughing. “Where are you Jadie?” she whispered then walked away.

Dear Diary,
I decided I’m leaving Blackthorn for a while It’s time for me to leave. I’m getting a bit bored staying here I want to see new things and new places. Speaking of new things I saw on TV that my brother won the Johto League. He said in an interview he was staying in Goldenrod for a while. I’m wondering if I should go see him….but I don’t know if I’m ready just yet.

On another note a battled a really strong trainer not to long away named Dulton. He wouldn’t stop talking to me and he saw what I looked like due to the light of the moon. He said I looked like an older version of the kid on the missing poster. I decided to go see what he was talking about and sure enough it was a picture of me when I was ten with my nidoran. It made me wonder if it has been up for five years and I never noticed it or if my parents decided they wanted me back just recently. It’s too late to turn myself up, I mean what am I going to say, “Hi, I’m the girl on the poster!” and then the guys would say “Really you are?” Then my reply would have to be “Yes, I’m sorry I would have turned myself in earlier but I haven’t seen the poster at all the five years it has been up.” It’s wrong, I couldn’t do that. I made my decision and left and I can’t go back.
I really hate to admit it but I still wonder what my life would be like if I never ran away. It probably would be horrible, I would not be I happy. I just didn’t belong there. I actually remember the day I actually first got that invisible feeling. It was on my brother and mines tenth birthday. It was almost time to eat cake and I had the perfect wish and I couldn’t wait to make it. I went to the bathroom really fast while they were setting up and when I came back out all excited to read the story I saw my brother blowing out the last candle. I was horrified, I ran up to my room and stayed there the rest of the day. I know it was stupid but come on we only get one tenth birthday and my family didn’t let me celebrate on mine.

My mom came up to my room after everyone left and explained it was only fair my brother made the wish and blew out the candles, he was older she said. (Wow by 3 whole minute! BIG DEAL!). Then she gave me a box and told me to open it. Inside was a gold necklace with a gold pokeball on it. Inside the pokeball was none other than my beloved nidoran. I lost every bad feeling I had that day and played with the pokemon I got. Of course those feelings all came back the day my parents took away my pokemon. Then I ran away to Blackthorn to get my revenge and to make my wish come true. The wish stayed the same but I have a new reason for it.

I wished I’d be known. Back then it was because I wanted to be the best trainer but now I want to be known because I don’t want to be invisible anymore but I know have to…..for now.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Trainer

Meanwhile in the Blackthorn pokemon center a man was also staring at the missing picture sadly. “You’ve been looking at that picture for a while, do you know who that is?” a boy asked the grim looking man. “Yes, she’s my daughter.” He replied. “Really? I battled a girl not to long ago who looked just like her but older. “You did? Do you know where she’s at now?” he asked. “Yeah, she’s been staying in the Dragons Den, If you want to see her you should go now because she told me she was going to be leaving soon.” The boy told him. “The Dragons Den? By the way what’s your name?” the man asked. “Dulton” the boy answered. “Dulton thank you for your help.” The man said while getting up to leave the pokemon center. I’m coming Jadie, get ready to come home. The man thought as left the pokemon center.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoo. The intrigue thickens. However, I find that plot wise, there wasn't much to comment on - since it was mostly flashback and assorted people feeling guilty for what they had done. More of a lead in to next chapter where I assume we can expect a confrontation between Jadie and her father?

Nevertheless, it does provide some more background around Jadie's past. I'm in two mind about it - on the one hand, it justifies Jadie's running away. On the other hand, I'm at a loss for what actually convinced the parents that either their son had a greater right to a birthday as the eldest or how they came to believe they were doing what was right by their daughter. If there was a family tradition of favouring the eldest, I wouldn't have been so surprised, but I don't reckon any modern parent seriously treats twins as elder and younger.

Basically, to have such unaccountable favouritism for the eldest kinda makes the story unbelievable - I for one, and I would think most other people as well, consider such treatment unusual and foreign to my way of life. I'm not saying it's an impossible circumstance - but it's so different to what I'm used to and accept as the norm that I find it hard to relate to your character. The parents are nothing like parents I know - they seem almost like one-dimensional plot devices. I'd advise you to flesh out their own background a little more - let us see why they are the way they are.

Another point that confused me a bit was how did that trainer know what Jadie looked like if she's the 'Invisible Trainer' that always hides behind things and gives instructions from afar? I mean, sure, there was the moonlight, but if she was behind stuff, would it matter? Mebbe try describing more about the encounter (I know it's difficult in a diary format - perhaps Dulton and the other characters could think about what happened/tell each other what happened in more detail?).

On to formatting topics. Firstly, with regard to numbers, try to type the whole word (ie: 'three' not '3') - it just looks more professional. Secondly, the thing I noticed mostly about your fic was that the speech wasn't separated from the rest of the text.

"Try double spacing the things your characters say from the other text," murmured the reviewer, hoping fervently that the writer would act on the advice.

But whether the writer will use the advice or not remains to be seen.

Apart from that, I reckon I'd like to see more of what pokemon Jadie has. I was really impressed with the whole 'Nidoran Starter' thing. Nidorans are awesome and really underused (IMO, at least). Hopefully you'll continue to show the same originality that you showed at the beginning!

Anyway, I have to say that overall, you've done well. Your story is obviously going somewhere and you have shown that you're not so eager to get to the action that you can't spend time to flesh the story out. But be careful with what you flesh it with - if you're just going to spend time building up Jadie's case against her parents, your fic could get very boring, very quickly. I'd advise you to spend time not disliking her family as character, but working on their reasons and motivations to make them a bit more likeable to the reader - it would give a more balanced view of the situation. Just a suggestion. So keep writing and have fun with the next chapter! Thanks for the PM, you'll do the same next chapter? ^^

Piney.
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[Crazy_Crazy_Totdile]

Once again, you impressed me! You used paragraphs too! Good job, and I'm excited for the next chapter!

 

[The Red Butterfly]

^_^ I'm glad this is doing good! Thank you all for the reviews!! I'll have the next couple of chapters up in a few days!!!!!! Thanks Again!!

 

[Morpher01]

I can't wait for the next chapters. As I said in my first review, I like runaway stories, but I don't know why.

For some strange reason, I know that there may be a bit of hostility between the IT (invisible trainer) and her father, plus the father trying in vain to convince her to come "home".

...I don't have a clue why I quoted home. I guess I do a lot of things for unknown reasons...

 

[Articunomew]

Interesting. I don't actually read many Runaway fics, but this one seems great.
I agree with Pinecone Tortoise though. One of the things that new writers like to do is either bulk the paragraphs up, or scatter them too thinly. To bulky and the reader runs, because the paragraph looks tough to read. Too thinly and the reader will also run because the chater seems too long.

I enjoy your characters. They have developed personalities, but there are some things I wouldn't mind asking.
Where was the female Nidoran taken. If the Invisible Trainer ran away after her NIdoran was taken, did she try to find where her Nidoran had gone?

I also liked the way that her father said 'I’m coming Jadie, get ready to come home' It establishes that her father still believes he has power over Jade, and has male dominance over her. *Many girls throw rotten tomatos at him*
It also shows that he believes she will do as he says, and that she hasn't changed in the five years she's been missing. I enjoy seeing his reacion in the next chapter.

C ya!

 

[The Red Butterfly]

Thank you guys!!!! I'm glad you all like it ^_^! Well here is the next chapter, I got it typed up yesterday so I hope you all like this one too. Please tell me what you think;032; !!!

Jadie’s father headed towards the Dragons Den when he heard soft footsteps behind him. He turned around to see who it was.

“Dulton? What are following me for kid?” he asked confused by the fact that Dulton was still near him. He was grateful that he told him where he could find Jadie but that was it.

“Well….um sir I want to make sure that your daughter is ok” he said blushing a bit. Luckily he didn’t notice since it was still dark out.

“I think it’s best if I see Jadie on my own” her dad said a bit annoyed.

Jadie’s dad walked away but Dulton followed behind him very quietly.

Jadie had just gotten comfortable leaning up against a pretty large rock. She looked up at the stars in the sky and sighed. I wonder where I should go when I leave here. I’ve always wanted to see Hoenn and Kanto. It would be so much fun to see those places….. “JADIE I’M HERE FOR YOU!” a loud voice echoed through the small den jolting Jadie up from her peaceful mindset.

“JADIE! IT’S ME YOUR DAD CONNER” he yelled again. Jadie froze stiff, she suddenly felt very faint. It was surreal to her, is my dad really here? She wondered.
“JADIE COME ON OUT I WANT TO SEE YOU NOW!” he yelled even louder. If he wants me to come out he shouldn’t sound so welcoming she thought to herself sarcastically. She held her breath and tried to see if she could hear any foot steps but it was dead quiet. Did he leave? She thought. She sighed in relief. “THERE YOU ARE!” a voice boomed from the side of her making her jump.

Jadie and her father were now facing each other. Through the moonlight shine Jadie could see that Conner did not look happy at all. His eyes were narrow and he pushed some of his grayish-brown hair out of his face to get a better view of Jadie. His lips were pressed together and he was standing very stiff and tall. Jadie on the hand looked frightened. She hid her face behind her black hair and her eyes were wide with fear. This was not necessarily from seeing her dad but knowing how much trouble she was in for running away. Even in the darkness Conner could see that Jadie was shaking.

“Why did you leave?” Conner asked coolly. He didn’t mean for it to come out mean but it did.

“Because you guys made me miserable” Jadie said back even meaner. She tried to make herself sound tough but on the inside she was scared. She was not planning on letting it show.

“That wasn’t our intention” he said, his face began to warm up.

“Well you guys sure had a funny way of showing it” she said. She felt a bit better when her dad grew a defeated expression on his face. That immediately went back to mad and he said “Listen, I’ve searched nonstop for five long years looking for you and you are coming home now!”

“NO I’M NOT!” Jadie yelled taking off away from the Dragon’s Den.

“JADIE NO-PLEASE COME BACK HERE!” Conner yelled chasing after his daughter. He felt guilty for what he had done and he wanted his daughter back so he wasn’t about to let his daughter get away again. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

Jadie was far from the Dragon’s Den now and was growing tired from all the running she had done. Up ahead she saw a river, she looked back and noticed her dad was gaining up to her. She stopped in front of the river and hesitated. Her dad was now really close behind her. Here goes nothing she thought. She took a deep breath and dove in. She quickly regretted that decision. The water was freezing cold and moving at a very fast pace so she was thrust underwater.

“JADIE!” he dad screamed terrified that his daughter was hurt.

She managed to pull herself to the surface. “DADDY HELP ME!” she screamed. She then gasped in horror at what she had just said. The water shoved her under and Jadie grew weaker.

“JADIE I’M GETTING HELP! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!” Conner yelled to his daughter as he took off to the pokemon center. He ran through the doors and up to the main table; shoving past a few trainers already in line to heal their pokemon. “Joy I need help, my daughter fell in the river and I can’t get her out!” he explained.

“Ok, I’ll call for help right away!” she answered while picking up her phone.

Meanwhile, the river was pulling Jadie closer and closer to the waterfall. She could barley breathe let alone get a pokeball from her belt to help her out. She reached the end of the river and felt herself being thrown off the river edge. She was heading downward towards the sharp rocks at the bottom at a very fast pace.

“HELP!” she screamed before she shut her eyes in fear thinking that this was the end.

She heard a noise from the side of her then below her. Then suddenly she hit something hard. She groaned and opened her eyes and noticed she was on a skarmory’s back and a guy sat in front of her. He turned around and said, “Hey Jadie! That really was a close one huh?” He asked worried.

“Dulton?” She asked surprised.

“Yep, so you’re not hurt are you?” he asked. “No, I’m not hurt. How do you know my name?” she asked confused.

“Your dad told me when I saw him at the pokemon center. I guess I was right about you being the missing girl.” He explained to a still very confused looking Jadie.

“WHAT! WHAT DID YOU TALK TO MY DAD FOR? BETTER YET, WHY DID YOU TELL HIM WHERE I WAS AT?” she yelled.

“Because at the pokemon center he said he wanted to find you and he looked really sad while he looked at your picture so I figured I should tell him where to find you.” Dulton said defending himself. “Skarmory lets land here!” Dulton told his pokemon. Skarmory nodded its head and obeyed its trainer. Jadie and Dulton got off and sat down. The cold air blew against Jadie’s wet clothes which made her shiver

“Here use this” Dulton said handing over his jacket for Jadie to wear. “Thanks...” she whispered as she put on the jacket.

‘Hey Jadie, I was um... well wondering If I could have a rematch with you since you’re so strong.” He asked awkwardly.

“Tomorrow, I’m to tired to right now.” She answered while pulling out her journal from her waterproof bag. “Oh, ok!” he said. He then got himself situated against a rock and fell asleep. Jadie began to write.

Dear Diary,
It was a hectic night! First I battle this guy named Dulton who followed me back to the Dragons Den without me knowing so he could talk to me! That’s when he got to see what I looked like. Unfortunately he wasn’t the only person who saw my face tonight, my dad did too! Dulton saw him looking at my poster so he told him where to find me. That jerk had no right to tell my dad where I was without my permission! Actually I can’t really call him a jerk. He saved my life when I was falling down the waterfall (freakishly enough he was following me again!) I am very thankful he did though, who knows what could have happened to me if he didn’t get me.
Right now Dulton and I are in the middle of nowhere. Were still in Blackthorn but a deserted part of it. There’s nothing but a big plain of grass with a few rocks near a corner that Dulton and I are laying against. He asked to battle me again but I still have to heal my pokemon from my last battle with him. Poor Ursaring and Houndoom are still tired out from before.
Weird enough the next time we battle might be in the morning, I’ll also have to deal with my dad and the help he went to get. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. Also, the first time I’ve walked around in daylight in five years.
Sincerely,
The Invisible Trainer

She put the diary away, looked up at the sky then lies back against the rock and fell asleep. The sun then began to rise on the city of Blackthorn.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Well, the first thing that struck me about this chapter was all of the capital letters. Personally, I despise seeing loud speech in capitals - italics look so much more professional. But on another formatting note, I'm much impressed with the improvements you've made with the spacing. It looks so much better now!

Plot wise, I'm still a little edgy about some points. For example, I'm starting to get very wary of Jadie's father. He seems very clueless about how to act around other people to the point of not seeming like an adult. However bad parents can get, they normally show more tact than to demand a wayward child return home first thing on meeting them. I would have expected him at least to make some small talk first - try to build up the obviously severed bonds again. Instead, he doesn't seem aware that Jadie has a mind of her own - and that's something I could only accept from the psychologically underdeveloped. Most people - however tactless - do try to take into account the other person's opinions, even if they don't interpret them accurately. Jadie's father has clearly seen that his daughter has a will of her own and as an adult, I would expect him to try and convince her to come willingly. Essentially, I feel he's showing all the social awareness of a little child and even a tactless adult has more intelligence that this.

Another point, why didn't Jadie's father use his own pokemon to get his daughter out? You said that everyone one in the family carried the name 'legendary trainer', so it stands to reason that he would have his own highly trained team. Yet at the first sign of trouble, he ran off to a pokemon centre (which I really don't think would be close by enough that he could reach there before Jadie went over the waterfall. If it was, there would surely be an abundance of other trainers nearby who could have helped) leaving a weak trainer guy to save the day. And on that topic, how did Jadie end up sitting BEHIND Dulton ON Skarmory? If she in the river, surely Skarmory would have hand to dive under her to get her on its (male or female?) back and if she ended up behind Dulton, it would have had to dive even further under to allow Dulton to go under her as well before they came up. I would expect that she at least ended up in front of him (as in, Skarmory went under her, but didn't allow to take Dulton underneath as well, so they collided and Jadie was wedged between him and Skarmory). Complicated, I know, but if she was lying limp behind him, I reckon she would just fall off - there's nothing to hold her on.

Also on the subject of potential plot holes, why was Jadie awake when her father found her? If she's only active at night, wouldn't she be asleep during the day? And wouldn't her eyes have adjusted to the point where going out in daylight might be slightly painful?

On the topic of characterisation, I'd say that while we're starting to get a better idea of your different human characters' personalities, I'd like to see some more personality in the pokemon. People often forget that pokemon would have feelings, opinions and attitudes of their own. Don't forget to include these! They're a vital part of the story - literally. Personalities, both human and pokemon, are what forms a connection between the reader and the characters. Without that connection, there is practically nothing to draw the reader to the story. Your human characters are starting to become memorable and recogniseable people (as opposed to names associated with the actions they perform) and I hope to see the same in their pokemon.

Just a final point - description. A lot more of it would be handy. Especially with the actions (like Jadie's rescue).

Overall, well done! I can really see that you're improving. I'm sorry if this review sounds like there's a lot of bad stuff - it's not meant like that. I'm starting to give you more to work with because I can see that you're rising to the challenge. A strange form of flattery, if you will. ^^ So good luck and have fun!
Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Dimitri]

I really like your story CWF! I would tell you something to improve on but everyone else has already mentioned it. Keep up the good work. ^___^

 

[The Red Butterfly]

Wow!! Thank's for the advice everyone ^_^!!! I'll clear up some stuff now. I didn't mention the fact that it was night time in Blackthorn when her dad was looking at the poster(sorry!!!) So Jadie was up at that time because she had just battled Dulton. once again sorry for not making that more clear and thank you for all the reviews ^_^ I'll try to improve some more!!

 

[Morpher01]

I KNEW IT!!!!!

There WAS hostility between the two! You owe me 20 bucks!

Random Guy: *grumbles, then hands over a 20*

*takes 20* Anyway, I love this fic. I like the new plot, the characters, and I also want more hostility.

Sike, I think that Invisible Trainer's parents released the Nidoran. It could be out in the wild, at least I think.

 

[The Red Butterfly]

Thank you everyone!!!!! I'll have the next chapter up in a couple of days
^_^

 

[The Red Butterfly]

Sorry I haven't put up anything like I said I have finals in like a week I've gotta get ready 4 but after that I should have time 2 put up the next chapter!!! Sorry again 4 the wait!!!

 

[mindripper]

Well I must say that your usage of diary entries is pretty unique. Makes flashing back towards previous events less of a much, and encourages continuity. Besides, flashbacks are often the best way to mould characters and to explain events. In other words, characters are usually a culmination of their past as well as their present, with emphasis on the former, and flashbacks are usually the best way to do so. What diary entries do is to let people know your own character's point of view, and to subconsciously impose these views on the reader. For example, something condoned by your character in a diary is less likely to be slammed by a reader because the readers sees such events with your character's perspective, and vice versa. Nice touch.

Other than that, I can only say that you do need to make battles more realistic, ie make them longer and more logical, and take out one-hit KOs and illogical responses in battle situations. Do show us more of the team, eh? Besides those points, good luck with upcomin chapters!