The Dog Pit *one-Shot* warning violance

[Lady Myuu]

bored... so I started to write... this is what happens when I do that.
Uh somewhat bloody, a death, sad, evil... um I'm not to well at written this stuff so I'm not sure what to rate it.

The Dog Pit​

Edit: I edited the main version a little. Thanks iceking for the advice.


I’m scared… where am I? I don’t understand… the pain has stopped but I still hurt.

The howling wasn’t made by any wild beasts other then the untamed souls of man. As they rooted and called out in the darken arena. The metal walls were six feet and curved outward into the ring. Reaching down from the ceiling with dim hanging lights was a waterfall of chain link fence that connected to the wall, keeping beast in and man out.

This isn’t right. I’m not suppose to be here… can anyone hear me? Help me?

The cheering off the crowd grew silent; the dirty musky unclean souls within this illegal fight knew it was almost time for the entertainment to begin. There heartless eyes turned towards the gates within the ring, each side beginning to open slowly, the sounds of the chains raising them and the screeching of the door echoing about like a group of bats.

I see… light… freedom?

Yellow eyes reflected the light as a small scared creature walked out from one of the openings, entering the ring. The dog like pokemon bent its ears back as it sniffed the air and its tail went between its legs in fear. The blood on the wall was of many different kinds of pokemon, some were other dogs, some were creatures the wild dogs would hunt and others were new fresh smells. Terror entered the eyes of the pokemon.

No… this isn’t what I wanted. Man… man I smell man! Blood… oh the blood it’s everywhere… what do I do?

The pokemon backed away, its hide running into the now closed door behind it. The large yet puppy like dog yelped in surprise and leaped forward, showing no matter how adult it looked on the outside, it was still a frail cub inside.
It had large muscular legs; the thick red fur covered the back and tail of its body, a creamy white fluff on its chest and belly, the creamy fur sprouting from its hair. Shiny black stripes across its back and a sharp pair of fangs that had never been used on another, it was still too young to understand how to kill.

I feel so different… this place is so different. I’m afraid… where is my mother? Why isn’t she here with me?

The crowds began to cheer as another beast entered the other side of the ring; it was a black slick furred body, the brown chest and muzzle. Sharp horns sprouted from the pokemon’s head and silver bands around its legs and neck while two stripes like bands cross its back. Its long tail twitched, rising in the air showing an arrow point tip. The dog barred its great fangs now, its eyes maddened and its body scarred from being in this ring many times before. The other dog recoiled now, showing that it was still a pup at heart. That though the humans might have used the stone to make it larger and stronger, it was still a child.

…Don’t look at me like that. I don’t want to fight…I’m too young to fight. I want to go home. Please let me go home. I can’t stand it here… no please don’t make me be here. I’m so scared… I want my mother…

“Fang!” the crowd chanted. Cheering for the houndoom, as they had more bets riding on him then for the newcomer. They could tell by the looks of the arcanine that it didn’t stand a chance, just a puppy they stuck into the ring to satisfy Fang’s taste for blood.
The larger but younger dog pokemon recoiled as far away from the snarling mad creature known as Fang. Its mouth was foaming with rage and insanity as it looked at the newcomer with a lust for its blood.

A deep whine escaped the arcanine as it huddled in the corner of the arena, hoping that perhaps if it submitted itself to Fang, allowing the dog to be the alpha the leader above it that he would not be destroyed by the deadly fangs.

Mother… mother… where are you?

But the arcanine was wrong. A loud whine escaped out into the arena. The crowd grew deathly quiet, most of the eyes on the scene before them, only those who had never witnessed such a fight before turned away.

The houndoom might have been smaller then the arcanine, but he was far more experienced, he knew the weak points of the dog and would use them to his advantage. He held the inexperienced pup by the throat for what seemed like forever to the poor creature.

I can’t… breath… someone… help me… I’m afraid… I don’t want to die… the pain… it hurts… mother… father… why did you let them take me…I’m scared…

The dog pokemon relented down, letting the arcanine catch its breath. The bite marks on its neck slowly oozed of the life liquid. Blood. A deep whine escaped the large red dog as he slowly got to its feet, the eyes watching the houndoom with terror and fear. A sharp bark escaped the houndoom as the mouth burnt with flame, the fireball forming within it and glowed a blew showing it was the hottest of flame. The fire crackled a little and swirled, the arcanine withdrew back, ears bent against it’s skull as it cowered once more against the wall.

The flame came forward now, the hot burning pain licked at the arcanine’s fur and body, catching the side of the dog on fire and caused a deep howl of pain to escape. The young innocent creature darted away now, howling and whining as the pain on its body was far more then expected. Falling to the ground the dog rolled onto its back and whined slowly smothering the flames and closed its eyes as its body continued to burn and the smell of charred fur filled the air.

But a new pain soared through the arcanine’s body, the large dog howling once more as its gut began to flow with the redness of blood. The deep claw marks on its body allowed the red liquid to cover its creamy furred belly in a sickening look of blood on snow. The pup inside the arcanine screamed for its mother. But it did not roll over onto its legs, as it looked up at the houndoom, giving the submitting response as puppies do to there elders and superiors, trying to say that it has given up and will do as the more experienced killer wishes.

The dog known as Fang almost seemed to smile; loving the control it held over this larger and would be stronger dog if it knew how to use its abilities. It had no training, it was still a pup inside, and it was weak and pathetic and tired. It belonged to Fang.

Fang walked around the arcanine, the deep whining of pain was still coming from it. The pup stared in horror at the houndoom, its eyes begging for mercy, for aid.

I don’t want to die.

The houndoom stopped and lowered his face down towards the arcanine’s, as if it knew what the arcanine was thinking. As if Fang wanted to respond with a simple ‘we don’t always get what we want’

And the monster houndoom slowly took the arcanine’s neck once more into its mouth, slowly clamping down. The air once more grew thin, once more began to fade away, the colors began to blur for the pup, the sounds started to muffle. The pain growing dimmer with each second…

Mother…

The light faded from the arcanine's eyes...

The houndoom with drew its head and held it up letting out a deep howl, echoing about the room and causing the humans to shiver in there shoes, but now no one could turn there eyes away as Fang began to rip apart the limp body of the pup. Slowly tearing at its flesh and digging inside the frail belly wanting to devour the oozing red meat before he was brought back to the cell, back into the hell it lived in.

And the crowd began to cheer.

 

[IceKing]

The pokemon backed away, its hide running into the now closed door behind it. The small black dog yelped in surprise and leaped forward, still very puppy like. Though it did not look like a puppy at all, the large muscular legs, the thick red fur covered the back and tail of its body, a creamy white fluff on its chest and belly, the creamy fur sprouting from its hair. Shiny black stripes across its back and a sharp pair of fangs that had once killed before…

Calling it a black dog makes it sound like Poocheyena but then the description of its fur makes it sound like a Growlithe but then you say it killed before but it sounds like its unaware of whats going on. Is this passage describing several pokemon, I was confused

Slowly tearing at its flesh and digging inside the frail belly wanting to devour the oozing red meat before he was brought back to the cell, back into the hell it lived in.

Oh man...thats scary


Pretty good one shot Lady Myuu, based on the real dog fighting arenas in the world today. I can't picture an Arcanine Pup no matter how hard I try, I keep thinking Growlithe since Arcanine is kind of humongous and Houndoom is barely half its size. Very emotionally powerful and frightening, I loved the way the Arcanine called out for his mother. To be kind of honest, I wish you made his death a bit more gruesome rather than choking to death and drew it a bit more out for effect. Mainly, I wish the fight scene was a bit more exciting and dramatic rather than the Houndoom immediately chomping on the Arcanines neck and killing it. Wouldn't it have been cooler if Houndoom toyed with him or the Arcanine put up a feeble defense? Other than that its ok, except for that fact that I really cannot picture an Arcanine pup. How big would you say it is in comparison to the Houndoom?

Not bad, try making it more dramatic next time. 3.65/5

 

[Lady Myuu]

Edited: There we go, I like this version better. Gives more character depth.



Do'h! I knew I called it black at first somewhere then I couldn't find it where I thought it was so I thought maybe I didn't... I'll have to go find it. >>'; I knew it was in there! I knew it! >.<

anyway, it is an arcanine but since arcanine evolve via fire stone it was a pup when it happened, so I wanted to get across it was still a pup on the inside but not on the outside. I also wanted to get across it was taken from the wild (so it has killed when hunting) but was never involved in killing one another... you know, I'm gonna go rewrite this right now. >.< Just to many things need fixed.


It was suppose to be a fast kill though, as Fang is WAY more experinced then this nameless pup. I'm gonna go and try to get that across... ... >.< arg more insperation comes now. I think this wasn't finished perhaps...

 

[Dilasc]

Wow! That was a great little piece there. That poor litt... erm, that poor big puppy.

I noticed one small error though.

The cheering off the crowd grew silent;

I'm guessing the word should be of instead of off.

Other than that, great job getting into the mind of a scared child Arcanine.

 

[IceKing]

The dog pokemon relented down, letting the arcanine catch its breath. The bite marks on its neck slowly oozed of the life liquid. Blood. A deep whine escaped the large red dog as he slowly got to its feet, the eyes watching the houndoom with terror and fear. A sharp bark escaped the houndoom as the mouth burnt with flame, the fireball forming within it and glowed a blew showing it was the hottest of flame. The fire crackled a little and swirled, the arcanine withdrew back, ears bent against it’s skull as it cowered once more against the wall.

The flame came forward now, the hot burning pain licked at the arcanine’s fur and body, catching the side of the dog on fire and caused a deep howl of pain to escape. The young innocent creature darted away now, howling and whining as the pain on its body was far more then expected. Falling to the ground the dog rolled onto its back and whined slowly smothering the flames and closed its eyes as its body continued to burn and the smell of charred fur filled the air.

But a new pain soared through the arcanine’s body, the large dog howling once more as its gut began to flow with the redness of blood. The deep claw marks on its body allowed the red liquid to cover its creamy furred belly in a sickening look of blood on snow. The pup inside the arcanine screamed for its mother. But it did not roll over onto its legs, as it looked up at the houndoom, giving the submitting response as puppies do to there elders and superiors, trying to say that it has given up and will do as the more experienced killer wishes.

MUCH better than the original choking to death immediately. Though to be honest that scene still can be rewritten and done over for abolute perfection, but I refuse to nitpick anymore! Thanks for taking my review into concideration, I really liked the fight scene A LOT better.

 

[Avenger Angel]

Okay, I know you probably wanted me to read Into My Woods first, but I decided to do to this one too. Hope you don’t mind, but I’m pretty sure you don’t.

How much I enjoyed the story: 9.5/10 – Okay, truthfully, I didn’t put this one down, turn away to go grab a drink, skip a random paragraph just to keep the story moving along, or look at something else until I got to the end. My eyes were glued to the screen reading thoroughly through each sentence, and that’s an excellent sign. From beginning to end I thought this was really good and really kept me wondering if Fang was going to win or if the Arcanine was actually going to get the courage to fight back and possibly overcome his adversary. Suspense + Awesome Description = Outstanding Fan Fiction. Well done on catching my interest!

How much I liked your description: 10/10 – I won’t be a stickler on this one, you earned it. To tell the truth, having way too much description is probably more annoying than having too little, but this had the perfect balance to keep the story rolling along at a steady pace and still did a wonderful job at painting a clear and vivid picture in my mind. I only wish more fan fictions would do this, I’d probably spend all day reading them. And I’ll admit, I’m impatient but I want my fill. Kudos to you for giving me exactly what I wanted to see.

How much I liked your characters: 7.5/10 – I know, it’s a one-shot and characters get their little cameos in and that’s about it. Fang’s character seems a little on the typical side of being the evil-tough-guy-that-kills-all, but still, you implemented his character and his role in the story nicely. As far as the Arcanine goes, I honestly expected that out of fear and anxiety that he might have decided to fight back, but he still didn’t even though he should have been aware that he was going to die. A sudden and unexpected switch of emotions at the last second might have been interesting to see from some last minute adrenaline rush, even if he was destined to die in the arena. Not bad though, it was interesting to see a Pokémon that could have won against Fang, but still lost. I’m glad you still did that rather than throw in something like a Caterpie that didn’t stand a chance in Hell against Fang.

How much I liked your setting: 9/10 – Ha, ha, okay, it’s a funny coincidence but I use arena-type settings a lot in my own stories. Besides that, the arena in this fan fiction was used well. The audience interaction was superb, having them cheer at times and have them struck with silence at others. Plus your description of it was great with all the details of the blood on the walls. You picked a nice place for a one-shot story, and you created a great, morbid feeling to it. Don’t lose that quality with whatever else you decide to write. That’s a great gift to have.

How much realism there was in the story: 9/10 – Definitely seemed believable, each character (even the crowd) had their own personality and stuck to it rather than randomly switching thoughts or beliefs for no apparent reason. Fang is a merciless killer and he still is by the end of the story, unchanged from this fight like the ones he’s probably had in the past, and so the cycle repeats itself. The Arcanine never snaps out of his feelings of bondage for his parents, still clinging onto the protective security that he once had but no longer has, and it proves to be his downfall as he can’t stand on his own. Very valid emotions, both describe two personalities that can be very possible in real life.

In closing…: I loved it! Okay, I like thrills and gore, but despite that, the story kept me enticed and wondering and assuming what was going to happen next. Also, it may sound weird, but I actually enjoy seeing my beginning predictions of story outcomes turning out wrong. I honestly thought the Arcanine was going to overcome Fang by some quick and clever means and be a story of good overcoming evil, but it was good to see something else happen that hits more on the side of reality rather than leaving a statement about courage, values, or whatever. Outstanding work!

And I’ll leave a review for Into My Woods as soon as I can. After reading this, I’m pretty excited to read your other work.

 

[Kveran]

First of all I've got to congratulate you on thinking outside the box. Definitely an unusual plot; I've never seen a hint of anything like this before. Ten of ten for creativity and may you keep exercising your imagination like this- thank goodness for original writers!

I love that you gave the Arcanine time to be a puppy before he died. By this I mean that you did a great job showing the Arcanine doing all the things that puppies do, right down to exposing his underbelly to the Houndoom to express his subservience.

The Arcanine's thoughts seem stilted in places, telling rather than showing. "I feel so different... I'm afraid..." Things like this are often better shown in the character's actions. Can your Arcanine express his thoughts? You showed his fear well- the whines, his huddling in the corner. More actions like this would make his fear so loud and clear that you wouldn't have to use unnatural dialogue (or, in this case, monologue) to express emotion. Lines like "Terror entered the eyes of the Pokemon" are equally telling rather than showing. What does terror look like in a Pokemon's eyes? Describe that.

Your buildup of tension is mostly well-done, but could be improved with more active sentences. For instance, "But the arcanine was wrong. A loud whine escaped into the arena" could be made more active by revising to read something like, "But the Arcanine was wrong. As the Houndoom advanced, snarling, Arcanine whined loudly, pressing himself against the wall."

It seemed that the Arcanine's evolution occurred in the story, but such an event was never specifically referenced. Can you make this clearer?

I loved your ending, which brought the story back into perspective and revealed that the Houndoom wasn't so much a bloodthirsty adversary as a feral creature victimized. In this way he's a sort of "anti-antagonist" for whom we as readers can also feel sympathy. Having a character like this often makes readers think about your story and your characters long after they've finished reading. Well done!

Moving to the stuff that's usually "copy-edit" domain- in a lot of places your grammar isn't strictly correct, with fragmants such as "Cheering for the houndoom, as they had more bets riding on him then for the newcomer." (Also, "then" should be "than" as it's a comparison.) This should be combined with the previous sentence to read "'Fang! Fang!' the crowd chanted, cheering for the Houndoom. They had more bets riding on him than on the newcomer." (Chants also usually include repetition.) On a related note, in some places your sentences seem to run on, joined by commas where they would be better served divided by periods. In the same paragraph: "The crowd grew deathly quiet, most of the eyes on the scene before them, only those who had never witnessed such a fight before turned away." In this case the sentence should be divided to read "...most of the eyes on the scene before them. Only those who had never before witnessed such a fight turned away." There seems to be some general confusion over the use of commas and semicolons. "The dog known as Fang almost seemed to smile; loving the control it had..." In this sentence the semicolon should be a comma. Semicolons divide sentences into two pieces, each of which could stand on its own as a sentence. If this sentence was divided into two at the semicolon, it would leave a sentence (the first part) and a fragment (the second.)

I was thrown off in places by the casual reference of the characters as "the houndoom" and "the arcanine." Besides the fact that Pokemon's type names are proper nouns and should be capitalized, the anonymity of the Arcanine doesn't help to build sympathy for him. Does he, like Fang, have a name? Referring to Fang more often by his own name would also help minimize confusion.

Overall, this was a well-done draft, but did not read like a final version. More edits, both for grammar and for plot, need to be made in order to polish the piece.

Plot: 10. Very original!
Characters: 8. Unnatural monologue on the Arcanine's part leaves readers distant from him.
Setting: 8.5. Well-described. Would have liked to see more description of the arena integrated into the fic. Did it have corners into which Arcanine could have retreated? If not, did the Arcanine look around and, panicked, note that the arena was oval and there was nowhere to hide?
Grammar: 6. Needs work on basic punctuation. A great punctuation reference book (as well as a funny read) is Eats, Shoots and Leaves if you find yourself confused about proper punctuation.