The Dragon Chronicles (Pg-15)

[Jason-Kun]

Note: This story takes place in a cross between our world and the pokemon world and does not follow your average journey fic. You'll see.

*Chapter One- Arrival*

We all know the story of Ash and friends right? How in the Pokémon world trainers went off on their journeys at the age of ten? This sounds true right? Well you’re all wrong, dead wrong. This is a story of a boy and his school. This is the story of The Dragon Chronicles…

Birds were chirping and flowers bloomed. Jaybirds flew through the air, dropping dung on people's head. On a far away island known as Iron Island, a boy sat talking to his mother. He had been going through old books. Looking at his mom, he began to speak.

“Is it true that trainers typically went off on their pokémon journeys when they were ten back in the old days?”

His mother stopped her cooking and turned to look at him from the eggs she had been frying. His father, an ex pokémon coordinator shuffled his newspaper.

“Things like that only happened in the anime. The games never specified how old trainers were. People typically started out older than that; although most people who have relatives from back then can tell you that starting after ten only happened in cliché fanfics. Well from what I hear atleast. I don't believe it.”

“Fanfics, anime, games? What are you talking about?”

The boy’s mother sat pulled up a seat, staring the boy, Jason, in the eyes. His brown eyes met hers. “Back then. Before our world came as it is. Pokémon were just made-up. That was before someone decided to genetically alter the structure of the old creatures amongst other things. Back then we called them animals…and they were nothing like they are today.” She muttered, glancing at the clock. “Don’t you have school? Here’s your plane ticket and don’t get in trouble at your dorm.”

“I won’t mom.” He muttered, pulling on his silver backpack. Patting down his sickly green air to fit in with his bluish skin, he checked himself in the mirror. A black shirt covered most of his blue skin, black jeans completing the outfit. Dragon’s Skin, a disease spreading around the region had been found to infect him. Dragon’s Skin was a disease giving humans the features of dragon type pokémon as well as giving them limited power. Pecking his mom on the cheek, he sent out Kasui the Swampert. Letting out a hiss, Jason hopped on the pokémon’s back. With a roar, the water type sprinted off into the distance.

~Two Days later~

Jason hopped off the plain, staring around at the vast desert of ice. Dragonia Dragon Academy was located in the region of Antarctica. Staring up at the school, he gasped in awe. Skyscrapers stretched to the sky, statues of dragon pokemon adorning them. Marble tiles made up the main building, a charizard shaped doorknob planted in the flygon carved door. Watching others enter, he followed.

Staring in awe at the main room, he rubbed his feet across the crystal floor. Two pokémon shaped like Dailga and Palkia adored the walls. Staring, he could have sworn that one had winked at him.

Looking around he noticed a couple of other students in different clothing with logos of different dragon types on it. They were splitting up into groups. Other students began to whisper behind them. “Those must be the beta students. This is the first year that the school is open to the public.” A couple of students who seemed to be around the age of ten whispered, glancing at the older teens and even adults. The door to the hall in front of them swung open as various people came out, inspecting students.

A tall gangly teenager came over to Jason, inspecting him. Green eyes stared at him, her sky-blue skin reflecting off the sun. She wore blue jeans and a red shirt. A salamence could be seen on her shirt. Glasses covered her eyes. “Short…skinny…though he seems to be full of wisdom according to his school resume. Typically we’d put you in Bagon classes but you seem like you aren't able handle tougher situations. We’ll put you in Salamence House, the lowest house. I’m Samanthina.” She muttered. Giving him a thumbs up, she walked away. Blinking, Jason stared after her. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’ he thought to himself.

 

[Banov]

This is a pretty interesting take on pokemon. Reminds me a lot of Harry Potter so far.

Only real issue is that your chapter is pretty short! Give us something more substantial. And see if you can't change your title... I feel like you won't get many views because your title is pretty cliche-sounding.

 

[Asuran]

Interesting concept but not developed enough yet. I'm sure that will rectify itself over time. Sounds like YuGiOhGX.

 

[Silawen]

Hey, there! I saw you'd posted a new story, so I figured I'd leave you a review. Hopefully it'll be helpful.

-

Birds were chirping and flowers bloomed. Jaybirds flew through the air, dropping dung on people's head. On a far away island known as Iron Island, a boy sat talking to hid mother. He had been going through old books. Looking at his mom, he began to speak.

I'd turn the 'as' into 'and', because otherwise it sounds a bit like birds only chirp when flowers bloom and keep quiet when this isn't so.

This paragraph makes it sound like he's sitting on a hill with his mother, yet suddenly he's going through old books. You set this up with lots of 'outside' characteristics - such as the hill, the birds and the flowers - so I read it as being outside, as opposed to inside.

“Is it true that trainers typically went off on their pokémon journeys when they were ten, back in the old days?”

His mother stopped her cooking and turned to look at him from the eggs she had been cooking. His father, an ex pokémon coordinator, shuffled his newspaper.

You use cooking twice in the same sentence, maybe you could try finding some other word that would work just as well.

“Things like that only happened in the anime. The games never specified how old trainers were. People typically started out older than that; although most people who have relative, from back then can tell you that starting after ten only happened in cliché fanfics.”

Not sure I like the combination of internet and the pokémon world like this. It's a bit like you're using what's interesting to us to get some more readers, plus it can seem like targeting people. Then again, at least it's fairly original.

The boy’s mother sat pulled up a seat, staring the boy, Jason, in the eyes.

“Back then, before our world became what it is today, Pokémon were just made-up. That was before someone decided to genetically alter the structure of the old creatures we had, amongst other things. We called them animals…and they were nothing like they are today,” she muttered, glancing at the clock.

I don't think a boy would not know such an integral part of his own history. We know how animals came to be - or at least debate about it - so why wouldn't he?

Speech as written like this:

"Hello," she said.

"Hey," the boy muttered in reply.

Notice the comma and the lower case after it? If a speech verb is used, like 'said' or 'muttered', you get a comma and the word following it - unless it's a name - is lower cased.

“I won’t, Mom,” he muttered, pulling on his silver backpack.

'I won't, Mom' is a direct adress. This happens when someone is directly referring to someone when they speak.

"Hey, Amy", or "Bye, Mom" are examples of this. As is 'I won't, Mom'.

Mom gets capitalized because it is used like a name here.

Patting down his sickly green air to fit in with his bluish skin, he checked himself in the mirror. A black shirt covered most of his blue skin, black jeans completing the outfit. Dragon’s Skin, a disease spreading around the region, had been found to infect him. Dragon’s Skin was a disease giving humans the features of dragon type pokémon, as well as giving them limited power.

O_O Ehm, yeah. I don't much like humans having pokémon powers, so I don't much like this either. Especially because you were going for a mix between our world and theirs. This whole 'virus' doesn't make much sense in either world. How did it evolve? Why dragon pokémon? They're incredibly rare, so a virus would have a hard time spreading. I'm just curious how this disease came to be, because unless you've got a good explanation, it just seems like you added that in to justify giving your character special powers.

Pecking his mom on the cheek, he sent out Kasu, i the Swampert. Letting out a hiss, Jason hopped on the pokémon’s back. With a roar, the water type sprinted off into the distance.

Swampert is a water pokémon, they generally don't much like the main land, so I'm a bit surprised it is 'sprinting' and being used for a ride. I'd say swampert would be used to 'swim' the boy there, but you can't 'sprint' on water.

Jason hopped off the plane, staring around at the vast desert of ice.

Desert of ice? Deserts tend to be hot, sandy, desolate places. Antartica fits only one of those three, none of them if you take into account a place which houses a big academy isn't quite as desolate.

f Antarctica. Staring up at the school, he gasped in awe. Skyscrapers stretched to the sky, statues of dragon pokemon adorning them. Marble tiles made up the main building, a charizard shaped doorknob planted in the flygon carved door.

Two pokémon shaped like Dailga and Palkia adorned the walls.

“Those must be the beta students. This is the first year that the school is open to the public,” a couple of students who seemed to be around the age of ten whispered, glancing at the older teens and even adults.

A tall, gangly teenager came over to Jason, inspecting him.

She wore blue jeans and a red shirt. A salamence could be seen onit.

Just because of repetition again.

I’m Samanthina,” she muttered.

-

Okay, that's it. Well, your biggest problem is making your new universe work. Because it conflicts with two universes instead of one, you'll have to be really thorough and really clear about it. Why does something happen, what do things look like, and what are this universe's rules. If you change something we know to be true, then explain it and explain it well.

You also have a couple of problems with grammar and punctuation. I've already told you about the way to write speech and direct address, but it's also commas you have to be careful with. I suggest getting a beta to help you with all this, because it's an easy thing to get rid of.

Good luck! ^^

 

[Asuran]

Actually, Antartica as a desert really is good description. Deserts don't have to be hot and sandy. Just a place where precipitation is below a certain point annually, and Antartica fits that bill.

 

[Silawen]

Actually, Antartica as a desert really is good description. Deserts don't have to be hot and sandy. Just a place where precipitation is below a certain point annually, and Antartica fits that bill.

Okay, my mistake. ^^ I still wouldn't use desert as a description, though, because it's not generally what people think of when you use the word 'desert'. Either way, it's the writer's choice, but I would use something else. Vast expanse, perhaps?