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The Ember Days

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by katiekitten, Aug 13, 2011.

  1. Sidewinder

    Sidewinder Ours is the Fury

    Chapter 1

    I actually lol'd at that. You pretty much described the routine I go through with my iPhone every morning haha

    Wow, that gave me a slight shiver. It's funny, I've always thought things like that, or anything out of the ordinary happening to a person is somewhat disconcerting, but when it happens to something inannimate, it crosses over into actually being scary. Maybe that's just me but I hope you see where I'm coming from lol. I also salute your inventiveness with 'smokeless flame'...I pictured that in my head and had trobule because smoke is the result of fire and I had a pretty fun little romp in my head trying to picture it. Nicely done

    Misspelled Elizabeth there

    Hmm, I liked that as well. Creepy foreshadowing there plus it does alot to set the tone. The only thing that confused me slightly was the phrasing. It did the job well enough, but I couldn't figure out wether you were saying Lily was dead in front of Elizabeth, with like a slit throat or whatever, or if Lily was a figment over her imagination because she's been dead for awhile. I'm going with the second, but correct me if I'm wrong

    Lol that made me laugh as well. All joking aside, Karaoke was evil x_X

    I don't really like that phrasing too much, as uncountable implies something so vast, and since you show a few sentences away that she wakes up at three, it may be good to replace uncountable with something different perhaps

    Chapter 2

    My fiance smiled at that. She had a cat named Smudge growing up lol

    Nice wordplay and visual there. I'm actually quickly becoming quite enamored with your talent with words. You always seem to pick the right one for every situation. I love it

    I'm finding something really unique with your story...You make me smile. Doesn't matter if it's the descriptions or the dialogue or the situation, I feel really smiley. Like the quoted portion above, it was such a lovely and awkward way to describe what's happening. Epecially because this boy is trying to explain something to calm Elizabeth down even though it does the exact opposite. lol I like it

    Hmm, this portion at the end I'm not really crazy about. On one hand I like that you're giving a little clarity to me and answering a few questions I have, but at the same time I feel like everything you listed is something that could have been brought on gradually. Like the last portion where you say that Nathaniel is not as old as he looks. It takes away from the childlike appearence and demeanor with his explanations that I'm liking and makes me conform to what you want me to think. That's not a bad thing at all and sometimes it's needed to make sure that writers are on the right track, but in this situation it feels a bit wrong. Believe me, I'm still loving the story and I'm not trying to tell you how to write, but sometimes it's nice to let the reader make their own suppositions about the characters and what could possibly unfold. You dig?

    Chapter 3


    You're painting something really fun with Nathaniel here. It's almost like he's fracturing. I don't know if he's just so excited to be on the path now that he is with Elizabeth, or that he is just this spazzy, but the picture you've painted make me think that both are possible. I like his all knowing/child-like/cryptic behavoir quite a bit. It's not usual that a fic has me guessing what's going on in terms of the actual plot, but you're doing a pretty decent job so far lol

    Fun comparison there. Flames licking up her body but feeling icy. I liked the opposing teams/terms quite a bit. You've done this several times throughout the chapters and it always makes me think of what it would be like. Especially in terms of a physical substance on the physical plane instead of dream related possibilites. Lmao I hope that makes sense

    It's always been funny to me how alike those two can sound lol

    I might do away with everything past the comma, as I feel that the 'quivered' portion adds enough intenseness and seriousness without the second bit. Plus, I've always felt like short sentences have a unique power in the realm of literature lol. Once again, not telling you how to write, but I was just thinking

    Chapter 4

    Okay, that woke me up. When humans are talked down to like that it really gives me the creeps. The only people/things that talk to people like that are the ones that could crush someone with a flick of their finger...Yikes

    I'm starting to notice an affinity towards fire from you...Which makes sense since this is The Ember Days, but whether it's Nathaniel igniting into flame or little tidbits like this, it's noticeable. I don't know if it's part of the story, or something planned, or maybe just random, but I like it lol

    Hmm, I'm assuming that the 'Fsshhh' was a sound effect, but then you say exploded soundlessly. If I'm wrong feel free to correct me, but I'm assuming I'm right because I don't know what else that word could be except for a sound effect. If I'm right you may consider removing it for clarity

    I'm sensing some doubt with that thought lol

    I almost feel kinda thick for asking, but why is the chapter called Glaciers?

    Anyway, I didn't quote much when it came to Nathaniel's explanation of the hunt or what he was mainly because I was actually pretty entranced by it lol. You've done a good job setting up a premise that is hard to follow yet engaging at the same time. Unlike the portion you explained earlier, this portion in this chapter where Nathaniel really starts explaining things make me want to make all sort of fun suppositions and fun ideas to carry along to the next chapter. I've noticed that this story is posted over a long time frame, which really won't do at all since I'm now very interested in what's going to happen

    Mainly I think that this is a very different approach to what I see on the board with regard to Pokemon, but I think on larger part it's because I love your descriptive descriptiveness of random things and important events. You certainly have a talent with words m'lady, and I'm looking forward to seeing more. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I'm glad I did
     

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