• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

The Ember Days

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Chapter 1

Her alarm must’ve been sounding its ‘you’re in trouble’ notice every ten minutes since she’d first slept through it at 7:15.

I actually lol'd at that. You pretty much described the routine I go through with my iPhone every morning haha

holly bush beside the house porch shivered, reducing itself in a wisp of smokeless flame into weed-clogged grass and a small pile of sweet smelling ashes.

Wow, that gave me a slight shiver. It's funny, I've always thought things like that, or anything out of the ordinary happening to a person is somewhat disconcerting, but when it happens to something inannimate, it crosses over into actually being scary. Maybe that's just me but I hope you see where I'm coming from lol. I also salute your inventiveness with 'smokeless flame'...I pictured that in my head and had trobule because smoke is the result of fire and I had a pretty fun little romp in my head trying to picture it. Nicely done

and Elizaveth was therefore forced to swallow her further protests

Misspelled Elizabeth there

Lily was dead.

Hmm, I liked that as well. Creepy foreshadowing there plus it does alot to set the tone. The only thing that confused me slightly was the phrasing. It did the job well enough, but I couldn't figure out wether you were saying Lily was dead in front of Elizabeth, with like a slit throat or whatever, or if Lily was a figment over her imagination because she's been dead for awhile. I'm going with the second, but correct me if I'm wrong

There really was a limit to how many hours you can sing Karaoke.

Lol that made me laugh as well. All joking aside, Karaoke was evil x_X

An uncountable number of hours had slipped past before she found herself stirring once more.

I don't really like that phrasing too much, as uncountable implies something so vast, and since you show a few sentences away that she wakes up at three, it may be good to replace uncountable with something different perhaps

Chapter 2

and apart from their cat Smudge

My fiance smiled at that. She had a cat named Smudge growing up lol

She was dreaming. She had to be. She had screamed loud enough to raise a cremated corpse

Nice wordplay and visual there. I'm actually quickly becoming quite enamored with your talent with words. You always seem to pick the right one for every situation. I love it

Yeah! Well, not quite, more of an adventure, but you are sleeping! In a sense! How did you guess, do you know a bit already?”

I'm finding something really unique with your story...You make me smile. Doesn't matter if it's the descriptions or the dialogue or the situation, I feel really smiley. Like the quoted portion above, it was such a lovely and awkward way to describe what's happening. Epecially because this boy is trying to explain something to calm Elizabeth down even though it does the exact opposite. lol I like it

A/N: The next chapter, however, has been a pain in the jacksee to write. xD Fun, but a pain. A note about her reaction: her shock begins to wear off in the next chapter and she begins to properly react to this all, completely forgetting that this is [strike]supposed to be[/strike] a dream. If there are still problems with her reaction, though, please let me know - this was an interesting scene to write on that level. xD;

Nat is not as young as he looks, either. :x

Hmm, this portion at the end I'm not really crazy about. On one hand I like that you're giving a little clarity to me and answering a few questions I have, but at the same time I feel like everything you listed is something that could have been brought on gradually. Like the last portion where you say that Nathaniel is not as old as he looks. It takes away from the childlike appearence and demeanor with his explanations that I'm liking and makes me conform to what you want me to think. That's not a bad thing at all and sometimes it's needed to make sure that writers are on the right track, but in this situation it feels a bit wrong. Believe me, I'm still loving the story and I'm not trying to tell you how to write, but sometimes it's nice to let the reader make their own suppositions about the characters and what could possibly unfold. You dig?

Chapter 3


“You were born with the caul,” Nathaniel repeated, voice sounding strained. His hands appeared to be clenched into fists in his pockets. “It means that when you were born, you still had the ‘birth’… stuff on your head, or something like that. You did, didn’t you?”

You're painting something really fun with Nathaniel here. It's almost like he's fracturing. I don't know if he's just so excited to be on the path now that he is with Elizabeth, or that he is just this spazzy, but the picture you've painted make me think that both are possible. I like his all knowing/child-like/cryptic behavoir quite a bit. It's not usual that a fic has me guessing what's going on in terms of the actual plot, but you're doing a pretty decent job so far lol

The flames were crawling over her skin, biting up her chest and licking at her neck in an icy caress. Within moments it would be all over.

Fun comparison there. Flames licking up her body but feeling icy. I liked the opposing teams/terms quite a bit. You've done this several times throughout the chapters and it always makes me think of what it would be like. Especially in terms of a physical substance on the physical plane instead of dream related possibilites. Lmao I hope that makes sense

the sound of voices raised in excitement or anger,

It's always been funny to me how alike those two can sound lol

The Cobalion's jaw quivered, his lip curling.

I might do away with everything past the comma, as I feel that the 'quivered' portion adds enough intenseness and seriousness without the second bit. Plus, I've always felt like short sentences have a unique power in the realm of literature lol. Once again, not telling you how to write, but I was just thinking

Chapter 4

The mortal was brave.

Okay, that woke me up. When humans are talked down to like that it really gives me the creeps. The only people/things that talk to people like that are the ones that could crush someone with a flick of their finger...Yikes

but the defiance was still there, burning, her protest barely audible over the collected cheer of the revellers.

I'm starting to notice an affinity towards fire from you...Which makes sense since this is The Ember Days, but whether it's Nathaniel igniting into flame or little tidbits like this, it's noticeable. I don't know if it's part of the story, or something planned, or maybe just random, but I like it lol

Fsshhh.

The child fled along the hill, dragging the girl behind him, as a decoy smokescreen exploded soundlessly on the hillside.

Hmm, I'm assuming that the 'Fsshhh' was a sound effect, but then you say exploded soundlessly. If I'm wrong feel free to correct me, but I'm assuming I'm right because I don't know what else that word could be except for a sound effect. If I'm right you may consider removing it for clarity

This was insanity, she knew.

I'm sensing some doubt with that thought lol

I almost feel kinda thick for asking, but why is the chapter called Glaciers?

Anyway, I didn't quote much when it came to Nathaniel's explanation of the hunt or what he was mainly because I was actually pretty entranced by it lol. You've done a good job setting up a premise that is hard to follow yet engaging at the same time. Unlike the portion you explained earlier, this portion in this chapter where Nathaniel really starts explaining things make me want to make all sort of fun suppositions and fun ideas to carry along to the next chapter. I've noticed that this story is posted over a long time frame, which really won't do at all since I'm now very interested in what's going to happen

Mainly I think that this is a very different approach to what I see on the board with regard to Pokemon, but I think on larger part it's because I love your descriptive descriptiveness of random things and important events. You certainly have a talent with words m'lady, and I'm looking forward to seeing more. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I'm glad I did
 
Top