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Anton

Red Cheat Master
As time passed our world got worse. By the year 3000, crime was so high that all the governemts dispite hating eathc other banneded together and all decided to creat one type of police that would track down the criminals. The called them the hunters. They were allowed weapon that wer forged for them and only them. The crime rate lowered, but still crime persisted. It was completly up to the person to join. All were tested, only the youngest and best were allowed to entre the academy. 3666 years past and this tradition continued. One day in the middle of the night of the same year, the stars all semmed to suddenly die out. At the same time the world seemingly split in half. No damage was done excpet that now their was a parrelle world to ours. It existed like a morrior image to ours. we could see into it but it had to mass. It was just there. Not soon after creatures of darkness started to spew out of the other world as it was called. The smaller ones came first through the rift because the larger ones would take time to get out. Soon larger ones came and eventually the largest of them all came. He was called Buizelbub and he had taken over this plane and that he was making a decree,"We are now the superier race! We have come to reign over your pitiful world. You must now bow down to us! not the other way around! You are no more then animals to us! Food!". People fled and those who could not fight died. Most who could fight died aswell. Only a few survived. Including you!


Note: Their might be gore, and swearing. You have been warned.


Character sign up:

Name:
Age:
Height/Weight:
Physical discription:
What your wearing:
Weapons:
Personality:
SomeBack Info:


Im going to use my sign up as an idea


Name: Anton
Age: 14
Height/Weight: 5'11"/150 lbs.
Physical discription: Anton is slightly muscular. He has spiky blond hair, Tanned skin and ice cold blue eyes.
What your wearing: Anton wears a blood red T- shirt that has three diagonal black stripes, the sign of a hunter. He wears a pair of blue jeans that have been worn through. he wears a pair of cowboy boots.
Weapons: Anton has two knives. the first is a small dagger that is shaped like a heart. it is about 2" long from the gaurd. His second is a blade that is 12" long and slightly tapered.
Personality: Anton is cold hearted. He cares nothing about others ans only wants the world back to what it was. He kills monsters without remorse.
SomeBack Info: Anton at the age of 7 signed up for the hunter academy. proving to them that he was quite accurate with knives they took him in. They honned his abilities and soon relised he was a genius. Quick, smart and accurate made him nearly perfect. At the age of 12 they put im into the force and he quickly and effotlessly worked his way to the top. At 13 the world fell apart into shambles and having a steel gurder crushing his leg he was forced to watch as Buizelbub killed his mother and father. It took 3 months but it finally healed. It took him 2 more months of training to get it backup to par. He then swore revenge and has been fighting monsters ever since. Time passed and so did his birthday.
 
Last edited:

Baam

Well-Known Member
Name:Ashleigh
Age:15
Height/Weight:5.2ft/10stone
Physical discription:average size very athletic
What your wearing:black cloak with a black bandaner
Weapons:two pistols and a dagger
Personality:bad tempered loner
SomeBack Info:ashleigh was sent away to live on is own thats why hes a loner he lived in the back alleys for most of his life not much more is known
about him
 

Anton

Red Cheat Master
Im going to have to turn you down for now. Not enough discription and if you read through my storyline you would see that guns no longer exist in this time period.
 

Anzua2

Well-Known Member
Wow, you still haven't improved it. It looks like you took ten minutes to cover up the mistakes from last time.

As time passed the world got worse.
What world? In what ways did it worsen?

By the year 3000, crime was so high that all the governemts banneded together and destroyed anything usable for violence. Guns, gun powder, knives all alike were dumped into a giant crevice that they blew up.
How did they ban together? How did they gather all of these weapons? Did the public just voluntarily give the weapons up? How did they transport these items to the crevice? How do all of these items fit in this crevice? How do you "blow up" a hole? How can a hole burst? Do you mean they caused an explosion in the crevice?

The govenments all decided to creat one type of police that would track down the criminals. The called them the hunters. They were allowed weapon that wer forged for them and only them. It was completly up to the person to join.
If the crime rate was so low, why do they need a special unit? Can't the police catch the very small number of criminals? Why didn't the unit exist before, when crime rates were high? What happened to "innocent until proven guilty"? What was stopping the criminals from stealing the weapons? Why would people even want to join if they are so safe? How are the units dispersed? Why are nations that hate each other cooperating?

All were tested, only the youngest and best were allowed to entre the academy.
Why is there an academy? If they were tested, why do they need to learn more? Aren't they the only people with weapons? What do people do at the academy. How long do they stay there?

3666 years past and this tradition continued.
Why are there still criminals after 3600+ years? Why is the opperation still going after all those years? Isn't this draining the economy?

One day in the middle of the night of the same year, the stars all semmed to suddenly die out. At the same time the world seemingly split in half. No damage was done excpet that now their was a parrelle world to ours.
How the hell does the world suffer no damage from being split in half? If it didn't actually split in half, how could people tell it felt like it? Does everyone have ESP now? In what way is it parallel? Is it a second planet? If so, it would have to be far away and of a different mass to stay parallel.

Not soon after creatures of darkness started to spew out of the other world as it was called. Soon larger ones came and eventually the largest of them all came.
Spew? What do you mean? Were they litterally materialising from the planet? Why did they come out by size? What do they look like?

He was called buizelbub and he had taken over this plane and that he was making a decree.
...what did he decree?

Now all these demons as he called them reigned and we were just game to them, to kill.
Why did they want to kill us? Do they have no other food source?

Personality: Anton is cold hearted. He cares nothing about others ans only wants the world back to what it was. He kills monsters without remorse.
Wasn't this guy born in "happy-peace-society"?

SomeBack Info: Anton at the age of 7 signed up for the hunter academy. proving to them that he was quite accurate they took him in.
Why does an elite military organization accept toddlers? If this was such a peaceful time, why are the children being trained to be war machines? What is he so accurate at?

They honned his abilities and soon relised he was a genius. Quick, smart and accurate made him nearly perfect.
This reaks of an Emo Gary-Stu. Again, why does a peaceful world need a perfect war machine?

At the age of 12 they put im into the force and he quickly and effotlessly worked his way to the top.
Gary-Stu alert. Why does everyone suck compared to a twelve-year-old boy?

At 13 the world fell apart into shambles and being crushed under a steel gurder he watched as Buizelbub kiled his mother and father.
Emo Gary-Stu. Why did Buizelbub (who obviously can be refered to with or without a capitalized name) kill his parents? Isn't he the guy in charge? Shouldn't his minions be doing that? Why didn't he kill the kid? What part of the kid was crushed? How is he still alive and obviously suffering no injuries?

Time passed and so did his birthday.
...what does that have to do with the story?

I'm sorry if I sound like a back-seat mod, but this is just sad. Please, try harder next time.
 

Anton

Red Cheat Master
alright time to go back and turn the crap that I call a storyline into somtheing else.
 

RaZoR LeAf

Night Terror
I'm sorry if I sound like a back-seat mod, but this is just sad. Please, try harder next time.
Well you saved me the trouble of repeating myself again.

Anton, this is your last chance. If you can't follow the RPG rules, specifically these:

RPG Length
RPG plots must consist of a minimum of approximately 400-600 words.


5. Sign Up Length
Sign Up Forms should have at least 4-5 sentences in any fields regarding Description, Personality or History (if included).

7. Adult Content
If an RPG contains strong language, violence, or scenes that are generally adult, the RPG must be marked either in the title, or within the first few lines of the RPG topic itself.

9. Non-Pokemon RPGs
If your RPG fails to provide an adequate amount of information, a Mod will question the plot. If this happens, you are expected to provide answers for every question, as well as using the EDIT button to rework the details into your plot. If the topic becomes to cluttered, a Mod will close the topic and let you start a new one if they are happy enough that you have improved the plot. If not, then it will be closed and you will be asked to PM a reworked plot for approval that can not be posted until it is approved.

Some things to AVOID
  • Clichés like "parents died", "can't remember past"
  • Clichés like being the mysterious, loner type
  • Giving your character 'special powers' or any advantage over other players
  • Details that don't match the age
Then you will receive an infraction for Failing to Follow the RPG Rules. You will also be placed into the Approval Only group, where you will need Mod permission to post an RPG. Consider this your final warning. If you need help, then use the RPG Cafe, it is not there for decoration.
 
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