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The epic adventures of Meta Knight and Garchomp (rated

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by sonic507, Aug 5, 2011.

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  1. sonic507

    sonic507 Come at me Flower!

    oh and this is rated pg-13
    Hello peeps, Sonic here. This is a cross-over type of story that involves pokemon\kirby\whatever. This is my first fan-fic, so comments apreteated. Lets Begin!

    Rated tv-14 for war and slight cursing
    Chapter One


    Meta Knight-

    This is the end, I thought. I was in a free-fall, diving face-first into rocks. That’s when I noticed that I was moving away from the rocks. Confused, I looked up. To my surprise and shock, a Dragon pokemon has rescued me. When we landed, I told him about the chaos that was spreading across the land, and he said I hastn in trodused my self. Embarresd, I told him my name, and he told me his. “So, Garchomp“, I said. “How about you team up with me to save the world?” “Ok”, Garchomp said. “But first,” said Garchomp, “We have a sword fight.” "O rly?" I said. "Yes rly" "...ok, but you seem like that kind of freak who would beat the chiken-liver-ding-dong out of me, lol" I said.


    coment pls
     
  2. mudkips

    mudkips Awwwww Yeah!

    That should be your first paragraph of a chapter.... Correct the spelling mistakes&make it longer, but otherwise, g'job
     
  3. Gelatino95

    Gelatino95 Not a tool

    You've got some serious spelling mistakes going on there, son. They're really easy to spot, too. You definitely should have proofread your work before you submitted it.

    Also, it's way too short. The rules of this section state that each chapter should be at least two pages in a word processing program (like microsoft word) and I can tell just by looking that your chapter is NOT two pages.

    One more thing is that the story's way too rushed. Meta knight was falling toward the ground, but why? What would cause such a noble warrior to suddenly be cast to his death? What did he feel while he was falling? Why was a Garchomp suddenly there? I'm pretty sure no one realistically has conversations that contain the phrases, "O rly?" or "lol".

    If you manage to fix all these problems, I'd imagine this would be a very good crossover fic. I'd read it, and that means a lot.
     
  4. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    And this is why I'm closing as it does seem way too rushed and on paragraph is far too short for a story. Check out said rules and perhaps other fics to see how thy are done and work on expanding your first chapter I suggest - as Gelatino95 said, there's some points that could ahv been easily expanded which would have made for interesting reading.
     
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