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The Eye of the Phoenix

Should I continue the story? How?

  • Yes and separate story into different threads

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • Yes and put whole story in one thread even though it will take ages to read

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • No, don't continue the story

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    2
  • Poll closed .

Gradius

Well-Known Member
Chapter 1
His Name is Antwin​

Antwin had been sitting in his room for hours. It was sometime during the night and he just couldn’t get to sleep. He had been having this same insomnia problem for days now. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was that his parents had been having pointless insane parties every night for weeks on end. It was for that reason, unfortunately, that Antwin couldn’t light a torch. He, as of now, had not told his parents of his problems. He did not wish to worry them so. So if he did light the torch, it would easily beacon his parent in the gardens to what was going on with him. Then following that episode would be thousands of psychiatrists with answers unworthy of Antwin's time. Plus, it would add on to the questions of worry from his parents. He couldn’t possibly handle the pressure.

The worry that already plagued his parents was of his short attention span. Though Antwin could be a very knowledgeable person, he kept his head in the clouds and dreamt of the many things he could accomplish without the roadblock formally known as parents.

If he wasn’t thinking about his imaginary future, he was walking the cobblestone streets of the city, finding travelers and listening to their incredible tales. With every story, Antwin wished to proceed with his imaginary future even more. His parents, as expected, said that the stories were fake or “floundered” as they liked to say. But opposing his parent’s fake theory, were the precise pieces of evidence that the travelers had to show. Like, for example, a one about a creature called the gryphon. A gryphon was a marvelous creature with the head and wings of an eagle, and the body of a lion. The evidence the man had to show were a gryphon’s feathers and wing bones. Antwin’s favorite story was one about a creature called the phoenix. A phoenix is a giant avian that lives, as told, in the mountain region known as the Hintrogloph Crags. The ability that it had to turn into a bird made entirely of flames gave it the nickname “The Flame of The East”. The most amazing part of the tale was when the traveler told of how a phoenix had saved himself and his family from a group of Slinorion vipers. The traveler then showed them the mixture of burnt rock, phoenix feathers, and the viper’s scales. The story had intrigued Antwin from that point on.

But Antwin’s fantasy was not to be, and so he sat there in his room, looking out the window at the long stretches of farmland, reaching far out over the horizon.
“One day,” he thought, “I’ll be the one crossing those fields to the great beyond.”
And as soon as he finished, a shooting star blazed across the sky. “I wish for it,” he spoke aloud.

He turned away and headed for his bed.
Suddenly, a bright light shone from the window behind him. His eyes opened wide as he turned around and ran for his window. Looking out, he saw a bright light shining across the farmland, spreading across the land, and settling at the walls of the city, it dissipated.

Antwin laid wide-eyed at the sight he had just seen. Still almost paralyzed with shock, he walked over to his bed ad laid down. He sat there for a few minutes, pondering the few things that could have caused it. He thought until his brain hurt and decided to stop for the night and fell asleep out of exhaustion.



Chapter 2
On a Bad Start​
“What happened?” Diff asked. It took a second for Dud to answer while he was buckling himself into the car, “that stupid bird just wouldn’t shut up!” “Well make sure you keep quiet next time or you’ll wake up the whole countryside!” Duff hissed.

“Uh, what are we doing again?” Dud asked. Diff moaned, “It’s no wonder you’re named Dud, we’re transporting that little cretin in the back to point beta near the cliffs past the next city.”

Dud scratched his head,” then what are we doing going into this city?” “Hmm, let’s see, it’s dark, your too tired to even be stupid, and the car is low on gas. What could we possibly be doing in a town? Oh, I know, we are stopping for the night!” Diff yelled. “Oh! Now it all makes sense!” Dud remotely stated.

Diff hit his head hard onto the dashboard thinking, “Why oh why was I put on duty with this guy?” Diff and Dud had been working together for months now transporting an illegal creature to their boss. The only reason that they were paired together was sheer bad luck. To make it even worse, they were given a cruddy old run down car that could have been picked out of a scrap yard.

A loud squawk came from the back of the car. “Ah, shut up you stupid phoenix!” Diff yapped. “Um, isn’t it an urbur, since it’s a baby and all?” Dud explained.

Diff sat with a hunched back and said, “yup, your definitely too tired to be stupid.”
Yeah, instead of being dumb when he was tired like most people, Dud was very smart when he was tired. It was one of the six great wonders of the world. And yeah, they were transporting a phoenix.

It was at that queer moment that a glimmer of light shone above the horizon. “Oh great, I was off, it’s not night. Well then, time to put the pedal to the metal,” Diff moaned. The car shot down the road at twice its normal speed. It only took a few more seconds before they passed through the archway that served as the city’s entrance. It took a great deal of skill to navigate the streets of the city quickly and quietly, but that was hardly a problem for Diff. As soon as he could, he found the building of which they would stay, and with Duds help, they were able to unload everything just as the first few people left their homes.


* * * * * * *


Antwin jumped out of his bed with a yawn. He, at that moment, had totally forgotten of what had occurred the night before. Pretty fortunate too, since it would have consumed most of his extra time.

Antwin ran through the kitchen past his mom and dad and out the door yelling quickly, “Hi mom, hi dad!” His father watched him run up the path. “They grow up so fast,” he said. His mother smiled. “They sure do,” she said, “they sure do.”

Antwin tired quickly, it’s pretty hard to run through the whole city without a good night sleep, so he just admired the architecture of the buildings surrounding him. Of course, there wasn’t much to see as all the buildings looked the same. Each one had one door and two windows on the first floor, three windows on the second floor, and a red tiled roof. There were no garages since most people who lived in the area enjoyed traveling on foot. Any cars were parked outside the building. But each one was given its own distinct touch all the same. Some houses had flower gardens set up along the pavement and windows, while some had small stalls sitting outside on the curb. Otherwise, every single house looked about the same.
The only two buildings that did not look the same from the front were the school house, and city hall. The school was pretty much a much larger house, with three doors on different sides of the school, and a lot of windows. The school house hadn’t been used in months because of a freak accident involving the idea of, play with fire, get burned. No one died, thankfully, but there were some fifth degree burns and school was shut down for a few months. City hall was like the school house, just made into a circular formation, with a courtyard in the center. “It looks like a donut from the sky,” someone once told him, but he had forgotten who years ago.
Antwin stopped looking at the different houses. He had just reached his destination, the market. Antwin usually spent the first few hours of his day looking for what he would need for the day, in other words, apples, bananas, a bottle of water, and a bag to carry it all in.
After that, he just looked about, seeing what else he could find.
After a few hours of searching he ended up with a ball of yarn, a coconut, and a walking stick, which was quite a lot in his eyes. He was content. He may not have to shop for the next week with what he had bought.

It didn’t take that long to get out, seeing as the shop where he had bought the walking stick was at the edge of the market. But it was at the opposite side that he had entered, so he would have to take the long way home.
Well, it can’t exactly be called the long way since there are many shortcuts in between houses.
Quite a bit later, Antwin found himself at a dead end. A brick wall lay ahead of him.

“Aw, man, I am so lost!” he yelled out loudly. He put his hands on his head and fell back onto the ground. Antwin soon realized that he had taken a wrong turn a long ways back. He let out a moan and thought of where to go next.
But then, Antwin heard something. A quiet chirping noise was coming from a door near him. Curiously, he stood up, walked over to the door, and leaned his ear against the door. Normally, Antwin wouldn’t go and eavesdrop like this, but his curious side got the best of him, and so he did. The chirping noise sounded like a person crying “Help! Help!”
Quietly, Antwin slipped inside. Now this was something that Antwin really would never do. But he just couldn’t help himself. In the room were two men lying on cots at either end. Sitting on the middle of the floor was a suitcase.
The chirping noise came from another room on the opposite side of the room that Antwin was on. So he quickly tip-toed over and moved into the next room. The next room had the front door, and two windows with blinds pulled over them. The chirping noise had settled down, immediately after Antwin entered. The noise was emitting from a cage covered by a cloth. Antwin, still stealthily, moved over and pulled off the cloth.

A small yellow and red bird sat there, staring up at him. Antwin jumped back, remembering the tales he had heard of the phoenix. A large red and yellow bird with the ability to turn into flames. Still in shock, he took the bird out of the cage. “But you aren’t that large, you couldn’t possibly be a-“ Antwin was cut off as the bird coughed and a little puff of smoke came out.

Antwin gasped, ”You really are a phoenix aren’t you?”

“It sure is,” a voice came from behind him.
Antwin jumped, surprised at the voice. He tumbled over the cage and landed in front of the door leading outside, still with the bird in hand.

Looking behind him, he saw two men, with angry, snarled looks on their faces.
 
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Red tailed hawk

I can fly! Can you?
I don't know if you want comments or not. If you want, here:

I like the story, especially since you have mentioned gryphons there, and also spelt it gryphon and not griffin, as many do!
Otherwise I also like it, and coannot wait for the next chapter!
Keep it up!
 

Gradius

Well-Known Member
I'm working on the next chapter at the moment. It's mainly like Antwin fleeing.

I also turned this in for my writer's workshop for school. So I tried to make it as best I could.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
As Dan basically said; pity who wrote this doesn't know how to paragraph correctly.

And did you know it's One Chapter Per Post, and that first chapter is barely long enough, to be a chapter- btw Red Tail Hawk, your sig is too, too bloody big. Change it before you get a strike against you :/ shmucks like you already caused our sigs to be restrained so much already.

Anyways back on topic; this feels rushed, badly structured, and very little description. From what I can read. As it's huge blocks of text. And the death of my eyes aren't worth reading your block text trite :/ read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and the Rules.
 

Gradius

Well-Known Member
Sorry to say this, but you've said this about all my stories, pretty much disagreeing with everyone else. It feels like you hate me or something, Yami Ryu. Anyway, that first part of your respond didn't make much sense. To all, it looks a lot longer on word. Believe me. Actually, my english teacher, that's a teacher with a degree mind you, actually really liked it. Finally, I hear one person saying that I have to have all chapters in one post, now I hear you saying that it is a chapter per post.

BTW on word
1st ch. was 1 1/2 pages
2nd ch. was 2 1/2 pages
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Actually, my english teacher, that's a teacher with a degree mind you, actually really liked it.

I've found out teachers don't give a flying hoot about what's in the story or how it is, just that it isn't a grammar filled pile of crap ;/

Anyway, that first part of your respond didn't make much sense.

Oh?

properly paragraphed said:
Antwin had been sitting in his room for hours. It was sometime during the night and he just couldn’t get to sleep. He had been having this same insomnia problem for days now. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was that his parents had been having pointless insane parties every night for weeks on end. It was for that reason, unfortunately, that Antwin couldn’t light a torch. He, as of now, had not told his parents of his problems. He did not wish to worry them so. So if he did light the torch, it would easily beacon his parent in the gardens to what was going on with him. Then following that episode would be thousands of psychiatrists with answers unworthy of Antwin's time. Plus, it would add on to the questions of worry from his parents. He couldn’t possibly handle the pressure.

The worry that already plagued his parents was of his short attention span. Though Antwin could be a very knowledgeable person, he kept his head in the clouds and dreamt of the many things he could accomplish without the roadblock formally known as parents.

If he wasn’t thinking about his imaginary future, he was walking the cobblestone streets of the city, finding travelers and listening to their incredible tales. With every story, Antwin wished to proceed with his imaginary future even more. His parents, as expected, said that the stories were fake or “floundered” as they liked to say. But opposing his parent’s fake theory, were the precise pieces of evidence that the travelers had to show. Like, for example, a one about a creature called the gryphon. A gryphon was a marvelous creature with the head and wings of an eagle, and the body of a lion. The evidence the man had to show were a gryphon’s feathers and wing bones. Antwin’s favorite story was one about a creature called the phoenix. A phoenix is a giant avian that lives, as told, in the mountain region known as the Hintrogloph Crags. The ability that it had to turn into a bird made entirely of flames gave it the nickname “The Flame of The East”. The most amazing part of the tale was when the traveler told of how a phoenix had saved himself and his family from a group of Slinorion vipers. The traveler then showed them the mixture of burnt rock, phoenix feathers, and the viper’s scales. The story had intrigued Antwin from that point on.

But Antwin’s fantasy was not to be, and so he sat there in his room, looking out the window at the long stretches of farmland, reaching far out over the horizon.

“One day,” he thought, “I’ll be the one crossing those fields to the great beyond.”

And as soon as he finished, a shooting star blazed across the sky. “I wish for it,” he spoke aloud.

He turned away and headed for his bed.

Suddenly, a bright light shone from the window behind him. His eyes opened wide as he turned around and ran for his window. Looking out, he saw a bright light shining across the farmland, spreading across the land, and settling at the walls of the city, it dissipated.

Antwin laid wide-eyed at the sight he had just seen.

Still almost paralyzed with shock, he walked over to his bed ad laid down. He sat there for a few minutes, pondering the few things that could have caused it. He thought until his brain hurt and decided to stop for the night and fell asleep out of exhaustion.

See? So much easier on the eyes. And one and a half pages? That's still short, and what font size were you using? This looks like it's well enough to be half a chapter length.

Finally, I hear one person saying that I have to have all chapters in one post, now I hear you saying that it is a chapter per post.
Oh so it's the persons fault, not your own? ;/ maybe you should read/check the rules first instead of believing word of mouth about rules. Hm...

Anyways the chapters COULD have been even longer, if you put more thought into fleshing them out, instead of only putting what was absolutely needed, and skimping the rest.

But fine, don't want to continue to improve, go ahead, ignore me.
 

Gradius

Well-Known Member
Sorry, I was under a lot of stress this week, I had to do a ton of research for school in two clases includig five pages for Science fair and 4o notecards for Social Studies, all in about a week. Along with the other homework, you can see why I'm a little hectic. I will take your advice and will make some changes, just give me a little time. BTW your good at debating, you should try and continue with that!

Also, I'm looking for what you think about continuing the story, as the point in the poll, along with comments.
 
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