Negrek
Lost but Seeking
How do you handle getting back to writing a story after it's been on hiatus for a long time?
From what you describe, it sounds like you're probably suffering from two problems at once: first, that you haven't written in a while (and thus are out of practice), and second, that you have one particular project that you're having trouble coming back to.
I've definitely been there, at least with regards to the lapsed project; in my particular case, I actually wrote a ton, literally hundreds of pages of material, just not anything for my one particular 'fic. But I'll come back to that.
In your case, I think that above all you shouldn't worry about writing your one 'fic in particular yet--you really just want to be writing something. To an extent it sounds like you're kind of intimidated by your 'fic, but whenever you sit down to write you tell yourself you need to be working on this one story, and it's stopping you from doing anything. Conversely, once you've gotten into the habit of writing, it's much easier to write anything, your 'fic or otherwise, so if you're having trouble with that, I would suggest writing other, inconsequential things, until you're feeling more comfortable with the work again. Then, once you've stopped associating writing with this big scary thing you don't want to be working on, only then can you turn around and address what you find so difficult about finishing your 'fic and how you can actually get it done. So, you enjoy writing about prehistoric stuff? Think it might be fun to do a little one-shot about a fossil pokémon or whatever? Then don't go, "Oh, I would enjoy writing that, but I totally should be working on this ~other important 'fic~ right now if I'm going to be writing it." I mean, did you go off and write a few pages of your 'fic after making that comment? I'll bet you didn't. So choosing not to write that little story did not, in fact, positively affect your ability to write your other 'fic. So just stop denying yourself the little fun diversions because you feel like you ought to be writing something else. It's just going to make you feel guilty and even less likely to get started. Write the damn one-shot if you genuinely feel it would be fun. Don't post it if you're mortified by its quality (you're way out of practice, you're going to be rusty, and that's okay). Just write something.
So, then, the second problem: working on this particular story you want to finish. First of all, I think you need to really come to terms with why you stopped working on it. Only once you know what the actual problem is can you figure out how to beat it. In my particular case, I had actually finished a complete draft of my 'fic. This turned out to be, paradoxically, a problem, and for two reasons: first, because I felt a false sense of accomplishment. I'd already finished the story, right? The hard part was done! And I'd already accomplished what I'd sent out to do (that is, finish the 'fic in some form or other). So when it turned out that no, the hard part was not done, the hard part was yet to come, I wasn't really prepared and kind of wimped out on it. But the second, and ultimately more damning, reason, was that I no longer really liked the story very much. I'd started it a very long time ago, and by the time I finished it, I just wasn't all that jazzed about it. I didn't think it was my best work--in fact, I thought it was pretty bad. On the other hand, I had all these really good ideas for new stories, and I was having a ton of fun writing them--so that's what I did. Meanwhile, my other 'fic continued to look worse and worse by comparison because I was, naturally, continuing to improve as I wrote more. Eventually, though, I had to sit myself down and be like, "Okay, do you care about finishing this thing or not? You don't have to finish it. But you also don't have to worry about it being an amazing gem of literature or anything, because hey, you wrote it literally years ago now. (Oops.)" Once I figured out that what was really holding me back, I was able to kind of just grin and bear it and crank out the rest of it. It still took me the better part of a year to wrap it up due to real-life commitments and also not being all that good at the whole "letting go" thing, but hey, I did manage to finish it. And now I'll never, ever have to worry about it again.
I sense some of the same things from you, with your statement about what an idiot you were when you wrote the first part of the fanfic (err, at least I assume that's the one you're talking about getting back to). So, are you not writing because you no longer feel in touch with the story, like you no longer really want to write it? Do you fear that if you post stuff related to it now people will finally actually realize that oh no all the stuff you wrote before sucks and you are a terrible writer or maybe oh no this plot is bad, how could I ever think this was a good idea? . And do give yourself the permission not to finish it--far better to continue going on writing, on something else entirely, and lay this one to rest, than to let this one story stop you from writing at all. Maybe it just isn't worth it. Don't be afraid to admit that.
Or, on the other hand, maybe you fear that now you've gone too long without writing, and you aren't going to be able to live up to what people, you or otherwise, have come to expect from the story. Maybe you're afraid you don't really have it in you anymore, like you've lost either the spark or the drive or some other vital thing that you'll need to finish the story. Perhaps you're even afraid of success--believe it or not, you're in a comfortable spot right now. If anyone asks, you can say, "Yes, I am working on a fanfic." (You are doing something, you are being an author.) You know where the story is supposed to go, you have things all figured out. But when you finish, you won't have that anymore. You might not have any idea what to do, where to go, next. You'll have to start all over again, which is always daunting. Or perhaps you're afraid of a particular scene, or a particular character, or something else that you're worried you won't be able to pull off, or which everyone will hate, or something else along those lines.
And so on and so on. I tend to suspect that a lot of procrastination comes back to fear of something, at least on a subconscious level. If you can at least recognize that fear, you can begin to confront it. At least you might not feel guilty/frustrated about the fact that you think you should be able to write, but can't.
And then just write the damn thing. Seriously. That's all it comes down to in the end. Put one word after the other and eventually you'll get somewhere.
Is Character Development your first priority?
No, Having Fun writing a Good Story is my first priority. What character development may occur is incidental. In some stories, like the one I'm working on now, it's extremely important; in others, much less so.
From what you describe, it sounds like you're probably suffering from two problems at once: first, that you haven't written in a while (and thus are out of practice), and second, that you have one particular project that you're having trouble coming back to.
I've definitely been there, at least with regards to the lapsed project; in my particular case, I actually wrote a ton, literally hundreds of pages of material, just not anything for my one particular 'fic. But I'll come back to that.
In your case, I think that above all you shouldn't worry about writing your one 'fic in particular yet--you really just want to be writing something. To an extent it sounds like you're kind of intimidated by your 'fic, but whenever you sit down to write you tell yourself you need to be working on this one story, and it's stopping you from doing anything. Conversely, once you've gotten into the habit of writing, it's much easier to write anything, your 'fic or otherwise, so if you're having trouble with that, I would suggest writing other, inconsequential things, until you're feeling more comfortable with the work again. Then, once you've stopped associating writing with this big scary thing you don't want to be working on, only then can you turn around and address what you find so difficult about finishing your 'fic and how you can actually get it done. So, you enjoy writing about prehistoric stuff? Think it might be fun to do a little one-shot about a fossil pokémon or whatever? Then don't go, "Oh, I would enjoy writing that, but I totally should be working on this ~other important 'fic~ right now if I'm going to be writing it." I mean, did you go off and write a few pages of your 'fic after making that comment? I'll bet you didn't. So choosing not to write that little story did not, in fact, positively affect your ability to write your other 'fic. So just stop denying yourself the little fun diversions because you feel like you ought to be writing something else. It's just going to make you feel guilty and even less likely to get started. Write the damn one-shot if you genuinely feel it would be fun. Don't post it if you're mortified by its quality (you're way out of practice, you're going to be rusty, and that's okay). Just write something.
So, then, the second problem: working on this particular story you want to finish. First of all, I think you need to really come to terms with why you stopped working on it. Only once you know what the actual problem is can you figure out how to beat it. In my particular case, I had actually finished a complete draft of my 'fic. This turned out to be, paradoxically, a problem, and for two reasons: first, because I felt a false sense of accomplishment. I'd already finished the story, right? The hard part was done! And I'd already accomplished what I'd sent out to do (that is, finish the 'fic in some form or other). So when it turned out that no, the hard part was not done, the hard part was yet to come, I wasn't really prepared and kind of wimped out on it. But the second, and ultimately more damning, reason, was that I no longer really liked the story very much. I'd started it a very long time ago, and by the time I finished it, I just wasn't all that jazzed about it. I didn't think it was my best work--in fact, I thought it was pretty bad. On the other hand, I had all these really good ideas for new stories, and I was having a ton of fun writing them--so that's what I did. Meanwhile, my other 'fic continued to look worse and worse by comparison because I was, naturally, continuing to improve as I wrote more. Eventually, though, I had to sit myself down and be like, "Okay, do you care about finishing this thing or not? You don't have to finish it. But you also don't have to worry about it being an amazing gem of literature or anything, because hey, you wrote it literally years ago now. (Oops.)" Once I figured out that what was really holding me back, I was able to kind of just grin and bear it and crank out the rest of it. It still took me the better part of a year to wrap it up due to real-life commitments and also not being all that good at the whole "letting go" thing, but hey, I did manage to finish it. And now I'll never, ever have to worry about it again.
I sense some of the same things from you, with your statement about what an idiot you were when you wrote the first part of the fanfic (err, at least I assume that's the one you're talking about getting back to). So, are you not writing because you no longer feel in touch with the story, like you no longer really want to write it? Do you fear that if you post stuff related to it now people will finally actually realize that oh no all the stuff you wrote before sucks and you are a terrible writer or maybe oh no this plot is bad, how could I ever think this was a good idea? . And do give yourself the permission not to finish it--far better to continue going on writing, on something else entirely, and lay this one to rest, than to let this one story stop you from writing at all. Maybe it just isn't worth it. Don't be afraid to admit that.
Or, on the other hand, maybe you fear that now you've gone too long without writing, and you aren't going to be able to live up to what people, you or otherwise, have come to expect from the story. Maybe you're afraid you don't really have it in you anymore, like you've lost either the spark or the drive or some other vital thing that you'll need to finish the story. Perhaps you're even afraid of success--believe it or not, you're in a comfortable spot right now. If anyone asks, you can say, "Yes, I am working on a fanfic." (You are doing something, you are being an author.) You know where the story is supposed to go, you have things all figured out. But when you finish, you won't have that anymore. You might not have any idea what to do, where to go, next. You'll have to start all over again, which is always daunting. Or perhaps you're afraid of a particular scene, or a particular character, or something else that you're worried you won't be able to pull off, or which everyone will hate, or something else along those lines.
And so on and so on. I tend to suspect that a lot of procrastination comes back to fear of something, at least on a subconscious level. If you can at least recognize that fear, you can begin to confront it. At least you might not feel guilty/frustrated about the fact that you think you should be able to write, but can't.
And then just write the damn thing. Seriously. That's all it comes down to in the end. Put one word after the other and eventually you'll get somewhere.
Is Character Development your first priority?
No, Having Fun writing a Good Story is my first priority. What character development may occur is incidental. In some stories, like the one I'm working on now, it's extremely important; in others, much less so.