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The Final Dance. One Shot.

katiekitten

The Compromise
I have been planning this for a while, but I only just got around to writing it...



A pear tree, once laden with blossoms. Around it, darkness.

Silence.

A closed bud, sprouting off a shrivelled twig, its colours dictating peace and serenity, a soothing blend of soft pink and white. The last to bloom, for all the others are dead and gone. Alone.

Slowly, the petals unfurl, showing their splendour to the world. A fragment of hope in a world of darkness. The withered tree sways in a prevailing wind, the flower holds on with all its might, to the spark of life swiftly slipping from its grasp.

It fails.

The wind calls it, a melancholic tune that weaves the spell of the final reckoning, the final truth, the final end. With a sigh the flower lets go, allowing itself to be drawn into the heart of the call, the sonorous song, trilling through the ages unto the dawn of time. Away from its home it twirls, born on the wings of the North to fall, its last descent, on the cobbled stones of a courtyard. Silence. Forever silent.

A shadowed figure lies in the heart of the courtyard, tears trickling down her soft face to fall, forgotten, on the dry weathered stone. Her back is bent in grief, silent shudders running down her body as she sobs quietly into folded arms. She looks up, ruby eyes brimming with tears that trickle out of the corners of her eyes. Her green hair hangs over her face, slightly obscuring her features as she stares forlornly at the periwinkle sky. Why? She asks silently, her small cherry red lips mouthing the words. Why did it have to end this way? Why did you abandon me?

Her delicate hands were folded neatly in her lap, they shook uncontrollably. She bows her head once more, drawing her legs closer to herself. A small, pink blossom is blown upwards by a small breeze, drifting past her face. She sees it and reaches out, catching it in cupped hands and bringing it close. A sapphire tear runs down her nose and drops onto the flower, lingering on a poised petal as if it were a drop of dew. She gazes down at it, her eyes moist as the flow of tears slows to a halt. I am useless, she realizes, lips quivering as she held back another onslaught of tears. He threw me away as if I was something disgusting he had found on the bottom of his shoe. What did I do? I may not have been the strongest, but I loved him, like I thought he loved me.

Another tear forms and slips quietly down her face. She sits in silence, watching as a small cloud drifts over the sun’s glorious face. It is amazing, she thinks, watching its shadow encroach upon the peaceful sunshine of the courtyard, how something so small can make a such difference… She stops herself, shaking her head to clear it, dismayed at her reaction. Her green hair sways a little, brushing against the two red fins that protrude from the back of her head. I must stop this, she thinks fiercely, anger welling up as she brushes the tear away. It won't turn back time, or do anything but prove that he was right, that I am weak. Her expression hardens. Done is done. Sorrow darts fleetingly over her features as she reaches a decision. Carefully closing her hand she gets to her feet, pausing to brush off the worst of the dirt. Standing, she briefly closes her eyes, lips moving in a quick prayer. But soon the moment is gone and she spreads her arms wide, before opening her mouth and beginning to sing.

A slow tune began, her sweet, soprano voice rising and falling as she begins to sway from side to side, like a tree in the wind. She sang of beginnings, of new life, of hope, twirling into motion as her voice gains in power and lustre. She gradually picks up the beat as she begins to dance. Beneath her feet, grass that pokes up in-between the cracked paving stones begin to glow with a green light, before shooting up beneath her light step. Around the courtyard she spins and whirls, singing all the while. Now buds emerged and burst open in showers of color, sending the sensual smell of their nectar throughout the courtyard. The once dead place was now a spectacle of greenery of all shapes and sizes, from the vines on the walls to the dead tree sprouting new leaves, reinvigorated by the lively beat.

On and on, she spins and leaps, soaring through the air like a bird in flight. Her song changes, it now speaks of beauty and grace, of joy and glee. From the hovel of new leaves the twittering of birds reached her ears, sending shivers of pleasure down her spine. Smiling, she continues, twirling in mid air to land on one foot, as her song reaches its peak. The leaves are thrust aside as a starling flutters into her midst, adding its own melody to hers. The very air seems to sing with her, vibrant with life. She laughs with joy, her skirts floating gracefully around her as she pirouettes, slowly raising her arms.

“DONG!”

A low gong shatters the melody, the deep note rumbling through the ground and air. On she danced, her voice slipping down an octave, speed depleting as she reaches the end of her dance.

“DONG!”

Her voice loses its power, the Starling lets loose a mournful cry before gliding back to its nest, the color fading from petals as the flower heads begin to droop to the ground.

“DONG!”

Now her song changes, speaking of the wisdom of ages, of time slowly ending...

“Dong!”

The plants around her began to shrivel and die. Her dance continues to slow until she once more is still, holding a final position. Her voice fades to a mere whisper, speaking of the final sleep. The leaves on the tree browns and slip to the ground, one by one. The grass retreats into the depths of the soil, reduced once more to mere husks, the occasional bright green stalk only a memory of what once was.

“Dong…”

Her voice trails off. She slowly slides down, slipping into darkness. Her breathing slows, a sigh passing through her lips as her head touches the ground. Her hand opens as she gazes at the flower enclosed, vision narrowing. It had been reduced to a shrivelled husk, crumbling to dust in her wavering hand. It was now, finally, the end.




That's all. Short, I know. I don't know that many dance words. So, how did you like it? This whole one shot was about Perish Song, that is what she was singing. Comments and critism wanted, this is my first first short story that hasn't turned into an epic. o_O;
 
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mindripper

Guest
Right, here is my review!

The withered tree sways in a prevailing wind, the flower holds on with all its might, to the spark of life swiftly slipping from its grasp.

Oh I like this. Sounds like a quotable quote, which means that you really did good with that.

She looks up, ruby eyes brimming with tears that trickled out of the corners of her eyes.

Be careful when you use present tense, as you might make tense mistakes, like here.

I did not guess that the song was actually perish song. I can see the connections now that I know of them, of course. I would just like to know what exactly is the ending conclusion of this all? I really did not get the meaning you were trying to infuse. Yes, the fic needs brevity, but even though i know that the female protaganist is sad about something, I do not even have a clue, or a hint, as to what it could possibly be. I found it hard to sympathise with her, even though your prose was excellent. The way you went about describing the way the girl sings, and nature's response, is pretty profound stuff, and take nothing away from that. Yes, I do realise that the song she sang was one of grief/anger, and that all her surroundings shared her grief, and hence the withering. It really is poetic. Nicely done.

For the end, you should have had her opening her hand to reveal the flower within, only to realise that a withered husk remains. It would seem much more pwoerful, like an exclamation point.
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Thanks for the review mindripper! The advice was really useful, I changed the points you noted out. She is sad because her trainer threw her away upon getting a more powerful pokemon. (She is a Kirlia, I'm not certain if I made that clear enough. Probably not)

This whole piece of writing was a description of the move Perish song; I got the idea while Dragonfree was writing her move sets. I wasn't certan is Kirlia could actually learn it, but she was the only one for the part.

Thanks again mindripper! *hugs*
 

Elemental Charizam

Sudden Genre Shift
Very poetic one-shot. Good stuff!

I did guess it was a Kirlia, but not that it was Perish song. Sounded too epic for a single attack, though in a good way; in fact, it reminded me of the Windo on Fire song at the end of the simmilarly named trilogy. While it is brief, its a single concept, and it would probably have diminished in quality if you'd tried to sustain it further. A short one-shot usually hits harder, as well.
 
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Dragonfree

Just me
It was pretty well written, but it just seemed to lack in explanation. Okay, there is... something with green hair, who is sad about something, and starts singing something. Now I know it's a Kirlia who is sad about her trainer abandoning her and she is singing a Perish Song, but even if I had spent a while trying to figure it out, I doubt I'd have gotten many of the crucial details - maybe Kirlia and Perish Song, but never why exactly she was sad. It would probably have been better if you had included a better explanation for that. Additionally, you switched between tenses a lot, which you should try not to.

But as I said, the writing was vivid while having a nice flow, which is very good.
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Thanks Elemental!

I remember those books... I realy enjoyed them, although the end confused me. Now tht I think of it, it is slightly similar... Neat! :)

Thanks Dragonfree!

Yeah, I need to work on those tenses. They tend to leap all over the place. With the reason why she is sad, I agree, it does need to be more obvious. I'll work on it. :)
 
S

Shadowcat

Guest
You told me about this last year... I'm sorry I didn't review sooner....

Anyways, very good and poetic. Kirlia is lovely... And your description was really nice too. Good flow of description there katie, I can never be as good as you.

Now, go up there and make a name for yourself. Girl, this is good and you know it. Work hard... And you'll definitely make a name for yourself for your One-Shot and fics...

Final Dance, nice title... Now katie, the description of Kirlia was beautiful. And... I can picture it in my mind.
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Ah, thanks Sapphire! *gives really big hug* It means a lot to me that you reviewed this. Thanks for the help with the title, the little chat we had helped me decide to use it. I'm glad you liked the Kirlia, I may turn this into a prologue for a fic sometime... But at the moment, I have other ideas to plan out and write. Thanks so much for the review, Sapphire! *hugs again*
 

Brian Random

I WAS FROZEN TODAY!!
It’s an okay story. Your capturing of the character’s emotion is cool; feeling sad because of a dying tree (or is it about something else, I’ll talk about that in a bit) but knowing that the time is nearly up, she had to do something joyous for the last time and… we can do the math.

What puzzled me the most about this fic, I know that the fic’s about the Perish Song move but why is the Gardevoir (or it could be someone else, I don’t know) feeling sad about the tree? Did they share a great bond with each other? Sometimes, you need describe more about the history of the characters so that the readers can understand what was happening.

Also, you need to work on your paragraphing. For example:
“DONG!”
A low gong shattered the melody, the deep note rumbling through the ground and air. On she danced, her voice slipping down an octave, speed depleting as she reached the end of her dance.
“DONG!” Her voice lost its power, the Starling let loose a mournful cry before gliding back to its nest, the color fading from petals as the flower heads began to droop to the ground.
“DONG!” Now her song changed, speaking of the wisdom of ages, of time slowly ending...
“Dong!” The plants around her began to shrivel and die. Her dance continued to slow until she once more was still, holding a final position. Her voice faded to a mere whisper, speaking of the final sleep. The leaves on the tree browned and slipped to the ground, one by one. The grass retreated into the depths of the soil, reduced once more to mere husks, the occasional bright green stalk only a memory of what once was.
“Dong…” Her voice trailed off. She slowly slid to the ground, slipping into darkness. Her breathing slowed, a sigh passing through her lips as her head touched the ground. Her red eyes gazed sightlessly at the peach blossom that lie, slightly crumpled, in her outstretched hand. It was now, finally, the end.
Maybe you ought to do something like this…
“DONG!”

A low gong shattered the melody, the deep note rumbling through the ground and air. On she danced, her voice slipping down an octave, speed depleting as she reached the end of her dance.

“DONG!”

Her voice lost its power, the Starling let loose a mournful cry before gliding back to its nest, the color fading from petals as the flower heads began to droop to the ground.

“DONG!”

Now her song changed, speaking of the wisdom of ages, of time slowly ending...

“Dong!”

The plants around her began to shrivel and die. Her dance continued to slow until she once more was still, holding a final position. Her voice faded to a mere whisper, speaking of the final sleep. The leaves on the tree browned and slipped to the ground, one by one. The grass retreated into the depths of the soil, reduced once more to mere husks, the occasional bright green stalk only a memory of what once was.

“Dong…”

Her voice trailed off. She slowly slid to the ground, slipping into darkness. Her breathing slowed, a sigh passing through her lips as her head touched the ground. Her red eyes gazed sightlessly at the peach blossom that lie, slightly crumpled, in her outstretched hand. It was now, finally, the end.

I agree with Mindripper. You ought to double check on your tense errors, whether you’re using spell/grammar check on your computer, or whether you have beta reader, or whatever. Always double check.

Overall score: 3/5
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Thanks for the review, Brian!

Well, I was only using the tree as an entrance. She doesn't care about the tree, really, she is sad for an entirely different reason. She was abandoned by her trainer, tossed away. The perish song is just away for her to express it. :)
 

Lady Myuu

Damsel mostly Stressed.
an interesting idea, you nearly pulled it off. I am not very good with such short oneshots cuz I just can't get into them XD

took me awhile to read cuz I R busy! uum, yeah needs some more explaining here and there. Was very pretty though I give you that. Not much I could say that hasn't been said.

Some twinking could do otherwise its a very sweet and sad little piece.
 

Ash_Junior

Irredeemable Nerd
very interesting...

for a little while there, I thought it was one of those "Life sucks, and then we die" dark fics....you know, a girl who had just been broken up with?

you REALLY need to be more clear that it's about a Poke and Perish Song...

even the green hair didn't clue me in. when I read that, my exact thought was:

"Why do they always have weird hair colors in the anime that you NEVER see in real life?"

lol...

personally, I think that while the first paragraph works well, it COULD work better...

instead of

A pear tree, once laden with blossoms. Around it, darkness. Silence. A closed bud, sprouting off a shrivelled twig, its colours dictating peace and serenity, a soothing blend of soft pink and white. The last to bloom, for all the others are dead and gone. Alone. Slowly, the petals unfurl, showing their splendour to the world. A fragment of hope in a world of darkness. The withered tree sways in a prevailing wind, the flower holds on with all its might, to the spark of life swiftly slipping from its grasp.

that's good, but it doesn't seem poignant enough to me....

try:

A pear tree, once laden with blossoms. Around it, darkness.

Silence.

A closed bud, sprouting off a shrivelled twig, its colours dictating peace and serenity, a soothing blend of soft pink and white. The last to bloom, for all the others are dead and gone. Alone.

Slowly, the petals unfurl, showing their splendour to the world. A fragment of hope in a world of darkness. The withered tree sways in a prevailing wind, the flower holds on with all its might, to the spark of life swiftly slipping from its grasp.

cut off each paragraph with the abrupt, one-word sentence.

to me, it just flows better, and makes things more poignant. or maybe that's just the editor in me that likes rewriting things to better suit my fancy, I dunno....

lol

A shadowed figure lies in the heart of the courtyard, tears trickling down her soft face to fall, forgotten, on the dry weathered stone. Her back was bent in grief, silent shudders running down her body as she sobs quietly into folded arms. She looks up, ruby eyes brimming with tears that trickle out of the corners of her eyes. Her green hair hangs over her face, slightly obscuring her features as she stares forlornly at the periwinkle sky. Why? She asks silently, her small cherry red lips mouthing the words. Why did it have to end this way? Why did you abandon me? Her delicate hands were folded neatly in her lap, they shaked uncontrollably.

is this supposed to be past or present tense?

and shaked should be shook

now that I understand what's going on, it's a very interesting story full of angst...

personally, not something I would read, 'cause I'm not much into angsty fics, but you did a really good job with it.

sorry, I don't give out stars...

but you'd have either a four or a five from me.
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Thanks for the review Myuu!

Yeah, I do need to edit it. I have been working on it, tweaking it here and there, so I am getting there. :)

Thanks for the review Ash_Junior!

Good idea for the beginning... *edits* It looks a lot better now, thanks. I also edited that paragraph to make it all present tense, well, mostly. I might have missed a few bits out. Thanks for the help! It's really appreciated. :)
 

Ejunknown

be creative
Sorry for the wait in reviewing. I've been busy. Anyway...

It's very good. The description is detailed and vivid, with very beautiful imagery. It would work as a good prologue, good idea there. Nothing bad I can really say about it. Just keep up the good work!!
 

katiekitten

The Compromise
Thanks for the review, Ej! *hugs*
 
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