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The Forgotten Enchantment

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katiekitten

The Compromise
Pretty good, Timid_Kyogre!

A really enjoyed the latest chapter, I feel as if I'm really getting to know poor Anahita. You managed to capture her emotion very well, thus making her my favorite character. The other chapters were also good, although the beginning set off to a shaky start. You are doing well writing first person, I am really enjoying it. :)

There are unfortunately, a few errors which I shall list below. :)


Aromabell islands are surrounded by amazing seas, with scenic, breathtaking views. Water Pokemon such as Lapras are found all around there, and most of the people who know about Aromabell visit there and enjoy the soothing, beautiful view.

A little bit repetitive with the views there. Maybe replace it with something else.

As other have said, the beginning is slightly: Start Stop. Start Stop. In other words, the sentences are a little choppy. Howabout you try a different way of introducing the story, such as having a pokemon fly over the islands, describing what they see. Or use any other object. It helps, writing it from their point of view. :)

The seventh sister…was unfortunately kidnapped…

You don't really need the ... at the end of that sentence. It kinda ruins the affect of the first one, better to delete it. :)

she had an obsession Umbreons so her dad...

Missing a with. :)

She should dye her londe hair to dark brown

Missing a "b" in blond. :)

“Don’t even try.” the little girl said, she wasn’t very worried, but I felt fear growing inside of her

Nearly forgot this one, you are just missing a full stop at the end. :)

Keep up the good work! :)
 

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier

Well-Known Member
Well, I'm here. And reading three fics in a row is not advisable. I'm absolutely stunned by talent.

TK, I am impressed. You've taken what I consider to be the 'cliched superpowered family' idea, and twisted it into your own, unique creation.

I haven't really seen enough of each character to give my opinions on them, but your description seems ok.

Nice work, and I'll keep reading.

Joshua
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
katiekitten: Thank you for your review :D I corrected all of the mistakes, thanks for pointing them out. I'm glad Anahita is your favorite character, she plays a very important part in the fic.

~Skywing Knight Joshua~: Your review just made my day absolutely great ^_^ Yes I know, I just started. Not much is going to be known about the characters yet. New characters will be revealed of course

Chapter Four: Not much...:( I'm having a lot of problems with it

~Timid Kyogre
 

Ex_Mightyena

Mightyena Master
originally posted by katiekitten:
Missing a "b" in blond.
and your missing an e in blonde!

Im so sorry Timid Kyogre I didnt think that i read chappy 3 And i thought i only read up till 2 sorry!
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
Im so sorry Timid Kyogre I didnt think that i read chappy 3 And i thought i only read up till 2 sorry!
Okay sorry but I'm confused, don't understand you

Please give a good review next time :) One about the fic, edit your post with your opinion

Chapter Four: The same...:(

~Timid Kyogre
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
Finally, I finished Chapter Four ^_^

I know it is short but like I said before...When I introduce a character its kind of short since I'm just creating a path to the story about that character.

Enjoy! :D


The Forgotten Enchantment

Chapter Four

I have to admit, I am extremely popular here at Lavaridge.

My ability, I know I have to hide it but…mine is just different, I can’t stand hiding it. Fire is my life, without it, I’m nothing. They say fire is the most powerful thing that ever existed here, but to me it’s the weakest thing, for I have dominated it.

I control fire, I breathe fire. I don’t even bleed, I have no blood.

I burn.

It doesn’t hurt, the feeling is incredibly amazing. Scientists wanted to study me but my new mother, Alicia, didn’t accept. So did my new little “sister” Anna. Both of them are nice to me, Anna and I always like to talk together.

Anna is extremely tall for an eight year old, she has bright grey eyes and creamy-white hair. Some think it’s weird but I kind of like her hair color, the same color Alicia has. Curiosity kills Anna, she always wants to know what happens. Alicia says she used to be exactly like her when she was young. She showed me pictures of her when she was Anna's age, and she looked exactly like her.

What replaces fire in my life you ask?

Water.

Anahita was obsessed with water so I learned to deal with it. As her older twin I have to respect what she likes, the same way she respects what I like. Rose always teased her for not having any abilities but I always told Rose that she is the special one out of all of us.

I’m known as “Fire Girl” here at Lavaridge. I’m not ashamed of my title, if I was, it would mean I was ashamed of my abilities. I’m also the youngest trainer at Flannery’s Gym, the ten year old trainer that Flannery accepted.

Flannery, surprisingly, figured out about my abilities. She says her grandfather visited Aromabell once and met my real father. I don’t know if I could believe her or not, but I always denied the fact that I have special abilities.

I trained with Flannery and she gave me two Fire Stones, and now I have a Ninetales and an Arcanine. Its been two years since Flannery has become a gym leader, but she’s excellent at battling. I also have an Eevee which I’m currently training. I really want it to evolve to a Flareon.

You see, I have tried my very best to hide my amazing flame abilities but it was just this one time…it just sort of erupted from me, I had to use it.

The first one who saw it was Anna, and fortunately she kept it a secret. I started playing with flames in front of her while she stared in amazement. Time after time she became curious and wanted to know how or from where I inherited my abilities, but every time she did that I would just intimidate her by burning my hand.

After a few months of Anna finding out the whole town knew about it. It was just a normal Thursday nothing else, but when I stepped on gas and burned it everyone knew…I was made of flames. There was a fire but thank god it didn't spread that much, the Water Pokemon stopped the fire just in time.

Everyone started to think I am some sort of demon, but thank god Flannery explained and she told them that I am somehow blessed and that fire is not a sign of hell. After that I became ‘Little Miss Popular’

Some hated me, but that really didn’t make me worry a lot. Flannery started telling me a few ancient tales about those who are blessed with Fire Abilities and how they could battle with Fire Pokemon extremely well. She suggested that she should train me sometime when I was nine years old, and when Ninetales and Arcanine rose to lv.30 she offered me a place in her gym.

Of course, after a few months of finding out my talent they offered me plenty of jobs. I refused all of them but one, it was this job to help raise Fire Pokemon at some sort of Fire Pokemon Farm. I go there every Friday and Saturday and I usually have a great time there.

My ability isn’t that heavenly wonderful, it could be deadly sometimes. Even though Alicia doesn’t know as much as dad knows about our abilities she knows that fire could kill anyone just like that. She told me that I have to be careful of it. I could kill anyone by mistake if I mess with my abilities too much.

Right now I’m in the farm, I brought Anna with me because I knew she will enjoy it. She doesn’t adore Fire Pokemon as much as I do but she’ll just like the fact that she is surrounded by many Pokemon.

“Charmanders!” Anna yelled with excitement, as she started playing with a Charmander. It started chasing her in a friendly way while she was giggled insanely, she took Charmander’s role by surprise and started chasing the Charmander. I went to the Magbys to get one so Anna could play with it.

“Magby, come here boy.” I grabbed the Magby and returned back to where Anna and the Charmander were. They had stopped running and were sat down on the grassy field. The farm had a rocky side and a grassy side, the rocky field had most of the new Pokemon.

Anna started petting the Charmander, then her hand got closer to the flame on its tail.

“Anna, no!” I shouted, but it was too late.

The Charmander had gone officially insane and started running through the field full of anger.


Please review!

~Timid Kyogre
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
and your missing an e in blonde!

*sticks out tongue* I had a typo, alright? I don't exactly use word to type up my reviews, so get off my back. *glares*

Anyway, back to the review. :)

I really liked this chapter, TK! A nice introduction to a new character, and a nice cliff hanger. :)

One little thing I noticed..

but when I burned gas while stepping on it everyone knew…

The sentence doen't sound entirely right... Could you help me with please?

Other than that, great! I am getting to know more of the story, and I really like the characters you are introducing. I still think the third chapter was my favourite, but this one is close behind. Great job! :)
 
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R

~*Ratiosu*~

Guest
Wow, this was good! I was glad you referred me to this. The only things I see wrong:

1) You sometimes switch between past and present tense. Not in the describing the sister's past and stuff, but in Chappie 1 it was there somwhere.

2) You sometimes forgot punctuation marks and such. But that's understandable.

3) Levels are not used in the anime' or fanfics. But I can see why it is used so I would say it doesn't matter. Very good use of them, it makes it look like you're not using them at all.

Can't wait for chapter 5!
 

Ex_Mightyena

Mightyena Master
Grammar/spelling error:
Flannery, surprisingly, figured out about my abilities. She says her grandfather visited Aromabell once and met my real father. I don’t know if I could believe her or not, but I always denied the fact the I have special abilities.
There is two the's,like it should be:But I always denied the fact thatI have special abilities.

Im sorry Timid Kyogre,thats going to sound really terrible and mean.

Katiekitten:I really liked this chapter, TK! A nice introdution to a new character, and a nice cliff hanger.
your really going to hate me,but your missing a "c" in introduction.

And Timid Kyogre,when fire meets gas,there is a bang,gas burns by a pilot lighter(safe way!),but when there is a gas tube with fire...KABOOM!

Otherwise it was great!I love it,I like switching between past and present tense with your characters,its sort of like a jigsaw puzzle,really amusing!
Who knows,if the psychic twins (Salaira and Laira) could see the future,we could be seeing 3 different tenses in the same paragraph!
(Future,present and past)

Dont want to rush you but I cant wait for chapter 5!
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
Wow, this was good! I was glad you referred me to this. The only things I see wrong:

1) You sometimes switch between past and present tense. Not in the describing the sister's past and stuff, but in Chappie 1 it was there somwhere.

2) You sometimes forgot punctuation marks and such. But that's understandable.

3) Levels are not used in the anime' or fanfics. But I can see why it is used so I would say it doesn't matter. Very good use of them, it makes it look like you're not using them at all.

Can't wait for chapter 5!

Yeah I know...I just started but believe me I'm going to get better as the chapters increase ^_^

And Timid Kyogre,when fire meets gas,there is a bang,gas burns by a pilot lighter(safe way!),but when there is a gas tube with fire...KABOOM!
Amber stepped on the gas and well...Caused fire. She didn't use fire its just that...You know what I mean. Thanks for your corrections ^_^

~Timid Kyogre
 

Final Flash

I've still got it.
There are a lot of Spelling errors...Do you have microsoft word? That autocorrects Typo's Spelling/Grammar mistakes. Besides that, It's awesome! I can't wait to see the other fan fics.
 

StrayedBullet

OMFG................
Timid Kyogre,

Okay here is my review:

Chapter 1: It was an okay start, a bit more description would have been nice, and I found that the first paragraph was too blocky, it didn't really flow very well.

Chapter 2: A bit too much dialogue, add more descripition, but other than that it was pretty good.

Chapter 3: Good, but I *think* you could have possibly described the battle a bit better, in more detail. things like how did the flames come out of the mouth? how did they look? why did they shoot at the wrong thing? etc.

Chapter 4: It was a bit short, but you have improved greatly. The description is getting better and better, and you have given a good insight to her personality.

Hope I helped!

-SB ;001;
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
StrayedBullet: Thank you for your review ^_^ Yes I know, I didn't do my best at the first few chapters but I will improve as soon as the chapters increase. Hopefully when I finish this fic I'll edit the first few chapters.

Chapter Five: Not much...:( I'm sorry, I have been so busy right now and with the Interview With The Authors thing...I barely have enough time. Please don't be hasty, I will post it soon (hopefully)

~Timid Kyogre
 

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier

Well-Known Member
Sorry this took me so long, but I'm here to review.

*hugs* Love your use of Flannery, she's my alltime favourite Hoenn gym leader. Plus Fire Pokemon are awesome, so more good points there.

The character of "Fire Girl" is coming along nicely, and love the little sis. Anna is so cool!

Your writing is getting better with every chapter, and I look forward to the next one.

Joshua
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
Well...FINALLY, here's Chapter Five ^_^


The Forgotten Enchantment

Chapter Five

A tall, beautiful lady she is. Her skin is as white as snow. Her hair is as black as the shadows of the night. I usually see her in a ripped, old, blackish wedding dress. She always haunts my dreams, she’s chasing me. I know she’s trying to show a sign to me, but I can’t understand it. Sometimes I feel so dumb when I’m in the middle of a vision.

My ability is one of a kind, I’m the only one who has it. I could see what life hides for us, I could be prepared for everything that could happen to me.

I hide it, I pretend that I don’t like it. I actually enjoy watching that lady.

Most people wouldn’t like her because she wears black, but I like her obsession with black. The only problem is I don’t know if she’s real or not. I only see her in my lifeless, silent visions.

It all started in the vision I could never forget…It was after a few months of my silent visions of her.

She was in her gloomy garden, outside near the fountain. The stones looked old and seemed like they were about to break. She was staring at the colorful roses and lovely violets around, staring the flame burning inside some sort of unburnable box. Her garden was incredibly dark, the roses were the only bright thing.

What broke the heavenly feeling of that vision was her anger, it made the silence vanish in one second.

She was peacefully sitting on the edge of the fountain, but when she stared at this blinding light something sort of gave a reminiscent to her.

She started walking quickly around the garden with anger burning inside her at the same time. She walked by the roses and violets while darkening its beauty. She placed her hand in the fountain and turned the water black. The flame turned deep ebony, and she grabbed it and started burning her arm.

For one second I thought she was Amber, but then I remembered that she is already burning. So the flames don’t hurt her, nor burn her skin.

She acted like she didn’t feel the pain, her hand was burning from the dark flames. She was near the fountain again. She sat on the edge of the fountain, and fell inside the dark water straight after her final breath.

A vision I could never forget, ever since that happened I became so quiet. So quiet that even Sean, my new father, became worried about me.

I should be happy that I live in such a huge and fancy house, I get everything I want. The only thing I want is for us to return back to normal, to return back to Aromabell. I’m not thankful, and never will be. Why should I be proud of this life I’m ashamed of? I can’t even visit my hometown.

I was so worried that the lady in the vision was Sailaira. She could be a bit of crazy sometimes, she takes risks at all times. I thought maybe, darkness would’ve finally taken over her that time.

How could her bright purple hair turn dark black? Maybe it isn’t her.

But what if it is her? Her skin is as white as that lady I saw, but how could her violet eyes possibly turn into deep black?

I’ve been raised to believe in anything, since I lived in a legendary city. Anything could happen in there since there are many tales about amazing, yet weird, things happening in Aromabell. I know all of the tales since I was the only one who was very interested in it between all of my sisters.

“Laira!” yelled Sean “Your Espeon is on the table again!” Sunlight was always breaking the ‘number one rule’ and it’s for Pokemon never to get on the table. Mossdeep is very noisy, I don’t like it. I’d rather live in a quiet place.

Sean doesn’t know about my abilities, we rarely spend any time together. I just grabbed Espeon and walked to my room. It was a huge room, mostly pink in color. I really didn’t like it since I was usually blind from too much pink in my eyes. I’m just living with it, so I won’t complain.

Espeon could share my visions, see them with me. She rarely does though. I just sat on my bed with fear inside me from that recent vision. I closed my eyes and focused on nothing, so a vision would come to me. That was when I felt like I was dead on my bed, but I could see the vision.

There was mist, the vision was unclear and vague. There was someone slowly appearing in front of me, she was short and it looked like her black hair was tied in a short ponytail. Her image got even clearer, and I got to see that she had black eyes. She was a normal little girl, wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

“Hello.” I wanted to start a conversation with the little girl, but she didn’t answer.

“What’s your name?” She gave no reply again.

If she wasn’t going to give me any reply then I’ll just do the same with her. I’ll just hopelessly sit down while the mist is covering me.

I stared at her for some time. The silence was killing me.

Her eyes started to glitter, but she still had a stubborn look in her face.

I was falling inside random thoughts, I started thinking about absolutely anything.

Then I asked myself, how come I was able to talk in this vision?

I noticed that I wasn’t in the middle of a vision. I was transported to another place. I know I didn’t teleport since this wasn’t an ordinary area.

I started to shiver. The little girl noticed as she was focusing on me all the time. She drew an evil smile on her face.

“W-where am I?” I asked the little girl, showing my fear.

“Where you are…Is where you aren’t.” She gave me a pointless reply. I didn’t understand what she said. See what I meant with ‘I feel dumb when I’m in the middle of a vision’ but this time I was absolutely sure, this is not a vision.

I tried to escape out of this frightening place but I couldn’t.

Her deep black eyes started to glow red, and the field around me started to turn to someplace that looked like…

Aromabell.

I knew I had to get out of there, or else I’ll end up being kidnapped.

“Where you are is where you aren’t.” she repeated the same sentence she said before.

Well, since she was repeating it I tried to figure out what that sentence meant.

“You can’t escape from where you aren’t. You’re always in somewhere you aren’t in, Laira.” She repeated in a much nicer tone.

I really didn’t care how she knew my name, I was just trying to find a way to escape from ‘Where I’m aren’t’

“Do I have to explain this to everyone?” I said “The world has to stop thinking in a very stupid way, sheesh you’re going to work good at a theater.” I told her that because it was my only answer. This whole thing is a joke.

She grabbed my hand in a hard way and held it roughly, she started walking to a house I’ve never seen before in Aromabell. It had a fountain, its stones looked like they were about to break. The garden had a few wilted roses and violets around. There was a black fire burning in some sort of box. There was a piece of fabric coming out of the fountain.

It was the same place I had that vision of the lady. I quickly rushed to the fountain to find her dead in there.

The little girl let go of my arm, leaving blood on it. I was so close to faint, I knew this was a nightmare I couldn’t get out of.

“Jenjer Firespeller.” she whispered to my ear.


Review :D

~Timid Kyogre
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
Ooh... Nice and spooky this chapter, I like it, I like it! :)

Well done TK! I really enjoyed this chapter. As before, really good first person. I want to read more now, but I will wait.

No grammer or spelling errors I could see, except maybe the first sentence.
A tall, beautiful lady she is.
When I read that I thought of Yoda. XD But that is just my opinion... :)

As I said, really good Timid_Kyogre, and I'll see you at the next chapter!

*Glares at Ex_Kyogre* Stop spell checking my posts! *throws computer at him* :p
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
Nah...That's just how Laira is, there's just something about her. Can't say anything else ^_^

I'm glad you enjoyed it. The whole story is about to start from this chapter, but it'll start in a much more detailed way at chapter...Seven, yeah.

~Timid Kyogre
 

Joshua - Shadow Brigadier

Well-Known Member
Gonna go wow. What a beautiful and suspenseful chapter.

Though:

It was the same place I had that vision of the lady. I quickly rushed to the fountain to find her dead in there.

Since Laira has been haunted by this woman for so long, you would think she would show more emotion at finding her dead.

Lovely suspence in this chapter, and I can't wait for the next one.

Joshua
 

Timid Kyogre

Endangered Creature
~Skywing Knight Joshua~: Thanks for your review! ^_^

Since Laira has been haunted by this woman for so long, you would think she would show more emotion at finding her dead
Yeah I know, I'm planning to write it in the next chapter of Laira.

Chapter Six: Going well...^_^ Should be posted soon (hopefully)

~Timid Kyogre
 
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