ShimmerInTheDark
Ace Trainer
Yay! I'm gay, I wanna join.
I have something to share actually and I wanted to have some thoughts on it. I thought I didn't feel bad anymore, but I guess I kind of do still. Looking for some input/advice. Copy/pasting this from my personal blog.
Okay, so there's been something that's been weighing pretty heavily on my mind. The story is basically that I hooked up with this guy, and now he thinks I'm a ***** that only saw him as a piece of meat. Except only, it's more complicated than that. It all started when I made a comment on my friends facebook. This friend just so happens to be gay. What you may not know is that gay people on facebook are facebook friends with every single gay person within the radius of 750 miles. (This is most likely due to the fact that all gay men are filthy caniving *****s, which is a whole other blog post!) Give or take. Naturally, another gay person he knew liked the comment I made, and followed up by a friend request. I thought he was sort of cute, so I accept and chat him up. Turns out, he lives pretty close. Whoa, a gay person that actually lives close to me? Me?? Yes please. Hell, I don't even care that we've never met in person.
When you live in a place where there is virtually no gay people, and they're only told of in legends and folktales, you'll take what you can get. Give me a break. So, we start talking. He's interested, I'm interested. Everything is going good, right? Well, supposedly. As we talk I learn that he has really deep rooted self esteem issues. He thinks he's ugly. He hates his body. He pretty much hates everything about himself. Major red flag. I know everyone has baggage, but from what I gathered, this dude seemed to have a truckload. But hey, he's cute, why not give him a chance? It's not like it's raining gay people or anything around here. Can I really afford to pass up what could potentially be a good relationship? See, this is what a desperate mode of thinking does to you. It makes you settle for less than what you know you deserve. Ergo, I believe I deserve to date an emotionally stable and healthy person. Eh, I compromised.
We agree to meet up, and as our first date we agree to meet at his house and watch a movie. Now, one might think "You ****, you're going to his HOUSE on the first date?" However, the truth is I had no intention of hooking up with him. I honestly just wanted to watch the movie and cuddle. In my head I had it planned out that if he made any sort of advances, that I'd turn him down. In my head at least. As I lay cuddled against him, he's slightly rubbing my arm up and down. I stay still. Then he starts rubbing his hands on my waiste. I stay still. At this point, I'm aroused, and at the same time I'm kind of feeling like a jerk for not returning his affection. So, I do the same thing he does. Alright, so we're just feeling eachother up now, no sex. Well, then he starts making grabs towards other places. At this point I'm so aroused I can't even think straight and the only thought in my brain is "**** it, it's just one night. That doesn't make you a *****." One thing leads to another, and whaddya know, we're having sex. Shocker.
As it turns out, the guy is much more attractive in profile pictures than he is in person. Clothes come off, and he's really skinny and pale. Like, snow white pale and dying Jew in a concentration camp skinny. Well, not that bad, you get the idea. So as we're doing the deed so to speak, I'm finding it increasingly difficult just to stay aroused. To make it worse, he's terrible at kissing. He like, grabs my entire face with his mouth. It felt like he was a vacuum cleaner trying to suck my entire face dry. I had to wipe off my face a few times because it was covered in spit. It was pretty nasty. So, I let him give me head. I mean, after all, you can be that bad at it? All you do is suck, right? Wrong. I felt his teeth scrapping and it was more painful than it was pleasurable. And ofcourse, there's no lubricant around so, actual intercourse is kind of out of the question. So I give up on the love making and just decide to finish things up. We both sit across from eachother and we're mutually getting off. To make matters worse, he just stares at me with cold, dead eyes. Literally no expression on his face. How's that for a turn on? Yeah. So, we both eventually finish our business, and after our hookup from hell is concluded he gives me a ride home.
Now, I've definitely decided I don't want to see him romantically anymore. With his self esteem issues and other baggage, in tandem with how disastrously horrible our hookup was, I knew things could only end badly. We never really officially dated, so I didn't really know how to "breakup" with him. So, I did what you aren't supposed to do. Instead of being upfront with him, I decided to hide from him. My phone was out of commission at the time due to me not having enough cash to make the payment, so he couldn't text me. Then, whenever he was on facebook I'd go into offline mode. Ignore the issue and it will disappear. Right? Wrong. I look at his facebook status and it says something a long the lines of "People only view me as a piece of meat." I figured since I hadn't talked to him for a few days, that status must be about me. Naturally, I feel absolutely terrible. Not because I did view him as a piece of meat, I didn't. The intention was always for a future relationship. I felt terrible for not talking to him, allowing him to think and wonder whether he was just a quick hump and dump. I also wondered whether telling him the truth would make him feel any better. In the end I decided that telling the truth and being upfront might be less painful than just letting him go on thinking whatever it is that he's thinking.
I calmly explained to him via facebook message that I did not use him, or see him as a piece of meat, and that I never meant to make him feel that way. I then explained why I didn't think being romantic was the best idea for the same reasons I already discussed earlier, and that I wanted him as a friend. His reply made me furious. It was "yeah, lead me on, I didn't want to have sex but you kept going for it, whatever." ...Are you ****ing kidding me? Whatever civility and sympathy I had for this **** just went out the window. Excuse me *****, but I was happy just cuddling. I wasn't the one that decided your hands needed to roam everywhere. I didn't initiate that ****. I didn't initiate making out, either. All the while, he never gave me any clues that he didn't want to have sex. He could have said "No, not on the first date" or "Maybe some other time" or hell "I'm saving it for marriage" would have worked. If I had picked up on the fact that he didn't want to, I would have stopped. He had no problem or reservations doing any of the things we did. I was beyond pissed that he'd try to portray himself as this poor victim, and that I was some player that didn't give a **** about his boundaries. After that, I didn't feel bad for him anymore. Honestly, he can go **** himself. I mean, good luck finding someone that wants to put up with you.
In conclusion, I learned many life lessons. Such as, don't be a desperate loser, hookups through facebook are a ****ing terrible idea, and don't date people that have **** tons of baggage. Oh, and take things slow first when you want to date someone. This way they won't think you're a ***** that just tried to use them when you breakup. Also, pro-tip, if you want to take things slow, going to their house for a first date is a ****ing terrible idea.
First off, welcome to the club! I don't think I've ever once met a gay man who didn't have self-esteem issues, but man, that guy takes the cake. That sounds like a very unpleasant situation, especially when you had no intentions of anything happening in the first place. Well I guess you learned your lesson here. I wouldn't let someone elses insecurities bother you too much.
