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The Girl Who Knows the Hearts of Dragons

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Blue Saturday, Aug 25, 2012.

  1. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    Sidewinder;
    Chapter of Charizard;
    ChloboShoka;
    Colt45;
    00poke_maniac;
    Virgil133;


    Chapter 1 The Village of Dragon

    Chapter 2 Dragon Tails
    Chapter 3 Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Cage!
    Chapter 4 A Future Beyond the Village!



    A/N:This is the re-introduction of my little project. The beta version of this fanfic was written a little while back. I've done a rewrite of this story after finding out some interesting things and exploring some new ideas that could be introduced to make the story better. Things will be drastically different from the previous incarnation of this story. The reason why I decided to rewrite the fic is because I felt the strong urge to write how Iris was portrayed to be in the game and how she started her journey. I thought that it would be a nice idea so I hope that you all enjoy my project. It's a Fanfiction on Iris, the Gym Leader of White Version's Opelucid Gym. Some focus will also be on Drayden during parts of the story as he is connected to Iris. As always any and all constructive criticism is appreciated since it can only make the fic better! I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


    Chapter 1 The Village of Dragons

    There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities, these amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.

    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning ice storms. These magnificent beast specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders, moves also have their own type. Pokémon who are the same type as the move they're using can cause greater damage than they would if they were a different type as the move they were executing.

    Each type has its advantages and disadvantages against one another. This allows there to be balance for Pokémon when they engage in contests of strength, technique, and athleticism known as "Pokémon Battles". These battles between Pokémon are considered to be a popular sport that are enjoyed by all ages. In Pokémon battles, there are people who command their Pokémon to utilize their moves against opposing Pokémon. These people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".

    There are trainers and people who favor some types of Pokémon over others. Facilities called "Gyms" specialize in one type of Pokémon in order to test trainers. When a trainer beats the "Gym Leader" of a Pokémon Gym, they will be awarded a "Gym Badge" that can be used to enter the "Pokémon League" of the region the gym is in.

    There are certain types of attacks that are super effective, as in doing more damage than usual, to different types of Pokémon. An example of this is that Water-type moves are very dangerous when used on Fire-type Pokémon. One of the seventeen known types that a Pokémon can be is the Dragon-type. The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Draconian or Dragon Pokémon can be, is a rare type that has some of the best of moves under its name. There's a clear distinction between being a Dragon and Dragon-type. Charizard is draconian, but not a Dragon-type.

    One of the two types that effect Dragon-types greatly are Ice-type moves. It is hypothesized a Dragon's scale-covered body can't handle cold temperatures, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-types wield powers like these. Dragon-type moves are super effective on Dragon-type Pokémon too.

    Dragons are known to be quite the opponents to combat in battle, being blessed with extraordinary battling prowess. Many are ferocious, many are mysterious, and many are sought for their high potential. Some are even known in legends for being responsible for the creation of many places and elements. They can also serve as guardians to people.

    These versatile beings' popularity meant they were highly sought often and that lead to them becoming a rarity in the wild. Not only is it hard to find and capture one of these brilliant individuals, it's even harder to train them, for some it's hard to tame them even. If one was to succeed in accomplishing such a hard feat, it would be a true testament to their skills to raise such a Pokémon.

    There's one village in particular where people cherish these creatures for all they're worth. In that particular village, a cheery girl who dreams of understanding the complex hearts of Dragons resides, waiting till she's of age to start her own journey. This unique girl's name is Iris."


    -:-

    The light pouring from the bright sun shined down on the forest's trees where a young girl was swinging from vine to vine. This wild child used her free time differently from all the other kids who also lived in the nearby "Village of Dragons." Unlike the others, who never really strayed too far from the village, she preferred to play in the forest.

    Her bright, maroon-red eyes stayed wary of any possible branches in her way as she swung wildly in commute to another tree. The sizable, purple hair on her head was tied up in its usual style with two rabbit ear-like puffs at each sides and one at the bottom. She sported her not-so-common cream and pink-colored garb with shoes of a similar color.

    "Can't catch me!" She teased as she was pursued by two ape-like, long, white Pokémon. She was bent on winning the game of tag, even if her playmates were clearly more adept to the terrain and action of vine-swinging than she was. She was confident of her victory with all the experience she gained through years of practicing the activity.

    "Vigorvigorvigor!" One of the Pokémon breathed heavily while it struggled to keep up with the tenacious child. The young lady grabbed another vine and went hurtling to a tree, landing on a branch from which she climbed down a limb to a lower one. Both of the Wild Monkey Pokémon followed suit with ease.

    She proceeded to leave the two Pokémon when she swung around the tree to another vine. The cunning kid then slyly giggled until she saw a branch blocking her path that made her quickly take hold of it and pull herself up. Throwing another mischievous expression, she yelled.

    "I'm right here!" The Vigoroth followed her voice, but as they came vine-swinging her way they ran into a vicious branch with their faces. That caused them to yelp in pain several times. Before she left the two poor Vigoroth, she uttered a goodbye.

    "See ya later, it was fun!" The Vigoroth simply said their names again as they rubbed their faces, still reeling from the punishment they had received. She was careful to climb down the tree as she remembered something alerting.

    "Ryuu's gonna be so mad," the girl scolded herself aloud. She knew very well that her mentor would be less than joyful at her tardiness, especially when there was an important lesson on the schedule for the day. Ryuu, her caretaker and teacher was one of the more respected people of the village. He was someone she could always look toward for advice and guidance, unfortunately, he had a low tolerance for lateness.

    The girl ran quickly, cutting through the several shortcuts in an attempt to get back to the village as soon as possible. The Dragon Village, a home for many people and Pokémon was a place the girl had lived in nearly all her life and a sanctuary for the Pokémon around it. It was a common place for the upbringing of strong trainers who wanted to catch Dragons and train their Pokémon against them.

    After she arrived at the village in around a quarter of an hour, she saw many people and Pokémon out and about doing what they usually did in the village. Some were training, some were picking berries, and some were just hanging around. Several people who knew the girl smiled at her as she was running to her lesson, she simply replied with a typical greeting for each which slurred due to her all-out running.

    During the full-speed sprint the juvenile nearly ran into a young, black-haired woman who was strolling in the opposite direction, this caused Iris to stop her race.

    "On time as always, Iris," her comment was coated with sarcasm. "You know dad's gonna be pissed," she exclaimed as she rubbed her brown eyes, as one would do after waking up from a nap. Iris sighed in dismay, she needed no one to remind her of Ryuu's strictness when it came to these things, especially not his daughter.

    Being a student under him for nearly a year now, Iris became more and more mindful of being on time for his classes. Unfortunately the distractions that surrounded her sometimes prevented her from doing that. Ryuu's classes were a lot of the time uninteresting but she had a great amount of respect for the man and understood his wishes. He always told her that the things he taught her would be of much value when she would become a trainer one day.

    "I was only playing in the forest, Mira," Iris admitted while they walked together.

    "Daddy's just gonna be all over you for not being more careful. I mean playing in the forest, right before a class? You have no concept of time," the seventeen-year-old said while frowning. The aspiring future healer had always been very kind to Iris, given her father's role as a mentor in her life. She also had a large respect for the young girl's past family and their effect on the village. "You really should manage your time better," she spoke authoritatively.

    "I just forgot. Don't worry! I'll be sure to arrive sooner next time!" Iris rolled her eyes.

    "You saying that makes me all the more worried. Did you see Shelgon while you were playing?"

    "Nah, I think he was somewhere else."

    Mira's Shelgon was the Pokémon she had since she was a little girl. He never did much battling and liked playing around in the forest often like Iris. The two would run into each other often. No further words were exchanged until the pair finally made it to Ryuu's nursery and clinic which was a, pretty simple, brick house building.

    "Well, I have to go." Mira turned away. "Try to be on time next time so daddy doesn't have a reason to get onto you anymore," the young woman chuckled as she left in the opposite direction.

    Iris took a deep breath and looked toward the door. Placing her palm on the metal knob, the girl took another deep breath and twisted it. After the door creaked open she cautiously walked in. Without looking around the building she immediately blurted.

    "Sorry I'm late!"

    The blond, older man turned his head around swiftly and glared at Iris. Dressed in his usual work attire of a pair of jogging pants and a clean white t-shirt with a light blue coat, Ryuu's face showed a miffed expression. A small bird swooped down toward Iris and shot her a nasty leer for her outburst.

    "Swablublu!" The blue-bodied, cotton-winged Pokémon pecked furiously at the air.

    "Shuush!" The man hissed in a visible bad mood. He had come to expect this sort of thing from Iris since she was only eight-years-old, but that didn't stop him from at least trying to teach her punctuality.

    "Just hurry up and get your hands washed," the man retorted, carrying several medical items. Iris went over to the sink and scrubbed her hands before returning to Ryuu, expecting a punishment or at least unpleasant words.

    "Sorry for missing the hatching of the Swablu," she said shyly.

    "Iris you know how much I dislike lateness, especially today. Next time I'm forbidding you from playing in that forest during class days. The Swablu hasn't hatched yet. Now let's get ready, it's due in a moment." Iris couldn't help but be somewhat elated as she expected her mentor to give her a more severe punishment. She did as he said and then helped get things in order around the place.

    Ryuu's nursery and clinic was his bread and butter. Healing, training, and tending to Pokémon was his forté since he was a young man around his daughter's age. The man owned the clinic for around eight years and specialized not just in healing Pokémon, but treating Dragons specifically. Ever since he was a young child he rarely saw any healers who trained specifically to take care of Dragons.

    This meant some Dragons never got proper treatment for the injuries they received back then. One day Ryuu decided he was going to change that. To succeed in doing so, he gave classes on healing to many people and tried to inform them of the basics of how to treat Pokémon. Not only that he would often help deliver the eggs of Dragons and ensure the safe hatching of the infants. It's mainly thanks to the service and undying consideration he offered over so many years that the village was brimming with Dragons and the population has increased steadily.

    "We're having the 'hatch' lesson today. It's important that you watch closely," the man lectured dryly. "Let's head to the room." Ryuu and Iris walked down the hallways of the somewhat home-like nursery with Swablu fluttering behind.

    The usual scent of freshness and disinfectant permeated the air. In the room, placed in front of her and the man was a lone egg on a table. It was surrounded by many cushions, sheets, and a small rubber tub specifically made for eggs. The room was also filled with many supplies that were prepared for new born infant Pokémon.

    "It's due in a few minutes. Quickly! Get that tub filled with some nice warm water." Ryuu examined the white and baby blue egg as Iris brought over the tub of water. He wore a stethoscope and placed the end of it firmly on the outer surface, listening for the life that it contained within its shell. Ryuu heard the sound of the Dragon inside trying to get out.

    "Standby," the man warned her. The egg began to glow a brilliant white with the light getting more and more intense with each second that passed. Iris and Ryuu both glued their eyes to the oval object. Iris would never get used to how superb it was to see a Pokémon being born. The young girl's eyes' reflected compassion made Ryuu smile weakly. With each gradual second that passed it began to slowly take shape, a small, plump, circular body formed. Two thin, plucky hairs leaped from the light. Dingy, petite feet formed from the bottom of the creature.

    The light soon began to subside. All that remained was a small Swablu, nestled in its own wings, as if they were pillows themselves. It slowly stretched out its wings, revealing itself to the world.

    "Swablublubluuuuuuu!" The newborn cried.

    "Swablu!" The elder Swablu was quick to comfort the baby.

    "Okay, let's get this little guy cleaned." Ryuu picked up the Cotton Bird Pokémon, carefully placing it into the small tub. "Pay attention, Iris." Ryuu grabbed a towel, dipped it into the water and wrung it out. He slowly cleaned and massaged the Swablu's body with the cloth, making sure to get the fluffy wings disinfected.

    Iris examined this intently as if she was truly an observant watching a seminar take place. Learning to properly deliver a newly-hatched Pokémon was one of Iris's most important learning points since she became a student under Ryuu a year ago. Mastering this would take time and her absolute attention.

    "Dry towel!" Ryuu ordered.

    "Swablublu," the older Swablu pointed to the baby, causing it to giggle. Ryuu had finished ridding it of all water. The Cotton Bird Pokémon awkwardly tried to flap its wings, attempting to emulate the elder avian. Its efforts were futile, as it was not developed enough to fly.

    "How cute," Iris admired the baby.

    "Yes a fine, young child. Swablu will be ready to leave in about, give or take...two weeks," Ryuu announced. "Things like these are sights to behold. You shouldn't ever take simple moments like these for granted."

    "Yeah, I know...." Iris had heard these types of things for a long time from Ryuu, especially when he would get nostalgic about his glory days. Iris could tell the man enjoyed having memories about his younger life, being known as one of the strongest trainers in the village since he was just a teenager. Being a master of Dragons meant a great deal.

    He always told Iris to cherish life and the beautiful moments that would await her. The birth of a Pokémon was no exception. She sometimes would get somewhat annoyed at the constant badgering she got but Ryuu only did this because he really wanted her to value life and her current youth just like he once did at her age.

    "You think you're all ready to do this yourself one day?" Ryuu cradled the baby as it drank milk-like liquid from a small bottle without a care in the world.

    "Sure I can!" Iris said without hesitation. She had heard the same question many times and she always was ready to give the same response. "Being able to successfully deliver a newborn is important because it's one of the ways you can understand them better. You told me yourself, remember?"

    "Are you sure, because...." Ryuu trailed, causing Iris to shoot him an annoyed stare. Ryuu liked seeing the distorted face she sported because it showed that he had blabbed about the subject so much that she was conditioned enough to remember it.

    "Okay, this lesson was short. I have some important business to attend to now. You may leave for the day."

    "Okay then. Bye Swablu!" Iris left out of Ryuu's clinic happily. Though class was done, she had her own business it take care of in in the forest.

    She jetted through the village before going to the forest and took notice to the people and Pokémon who were out and about. Iris looked around with a bubbly expression on her face and held her arms out, as if she were an airplane, and took off, waving to each person she passed by. The Dragon Village's people were special to her.

    Even though she didn't have her parents she was lucky enough to live in a village that had people who cared for her. It gave her joy to know that people truly did care despite some of her troublesome actions. Living with Dragons made Iris's life so exciting. She felt so attached to her home that she never felt like leaving. There's no other type of Pokémon that could make her heart leap with so much happiness other than Dragons.

    The protectors and symbols of Iris's home were irreplaceable. She hoped to one day have the blessing of being able to partner herself with one and become stronger alongside a team of them. That meant being able to train and possibly control one, something Iris simply wasn't capable of doing at the moment.

    She also had to be able to become in-sync with one of these beasts, which meant learning to attune to these creatures' hearts on a personal level. That in itself would not be easy in the slightest and she knew it.

    She was willing to look into their hearts and truly try to understand every Dragon thanks to her upbringing in the village. One of her dreams was that she could one day understand the magnificent hearts of these reptiles. She tried very often but her efforts often had little to no effect. Once she made it to the area in the forest she met a Dragon that was completely encased in a large, dome-like, gray shell.

    The only thing that was visible from inside were two golden, rough eyes. The rest of the shell was fairly dark with four stubby, rough-skinned legs that protruded from under.

    "Shel," the Pokémon greeted Iris, to which she immediately recognized to be Mira's Shelgon. He would often help her in her attempts to understand Dragon hearts. Like Mira, Shelgon had a soft spot for Iris and was more than willing to give her a hand.

    "Okay, today's the day for sure!" Iris approached the Dragon and got close to him. "Just relax."

    "Shelgongon," the Endurance Pokémon stayed fairly calm as Iris began bending down. She gently placed her palm on Shelgon's rough exterior and closed her eyes. She did her best to block out all other sounds, focusing her senses completely on the Pokémon's beating heart and doing her best to become at one with the creature.

    She opened her eyes and realized she understood nothing about the Dragon's heart much to her disappointment.

    "I guess today wasn't the day," Iris came to her senses, feeling defeated that her efforts to understand a Dragon's heart were once again in vain.

    "Shel," the Endurance Pokémon growled once before going on his own way knowing that the chances of success would be slim as usual. Iris went over to a tree and climbed it. She found a comfy, stable branch to rest soundly on as she reflected on her moment with Shelgon. She got a tad too comfortable as her momentary resting turned into a nap and then into a deep slumber.

    A few hours later she woke up, yawned, opened her eyes and stretched, feeling small pops from her bones as she got limber. The girl looked around and surveyed her surroundings. She looked up at the sky and noticed it had indeed been possibly a few hours since she had went unconscious. She climbed down the tree and began to walk back towards the village. However, she was taken by surprise during her trek.

    "Swablububluswa!" The same Pokémon Iris had known as Ryuu's helper flew in range of her face. He squawked at the young girl with a strain in his voice. Iris inspected the dotty Cotton Bird Pokémon and tilted her head wondering what was wrong.

    "Swablulu!" The small Pokémon motioned its wings in the direction of the Dragon Village. She jogged instead of walking with Swablu flying closely in front and continuously chirping.

    "What is it?" Iris asked while jogging, as if it would make a difference since she couldn't understand the Pokémon. Just when she was about to enter the village the Cotton Bird began to peck her head, pointing to a tree. She went up the tree and stayed tuckered in the greenery of the branches and looked down the village.

    She heard many roars and yelps. The sound of them made her worried for what could have possibly been happening. There was an unusual amount of people along with Ryuu gathered with strange-looking men in front of them.

    Iris attempted to get closer by carefully going to yet another branch a tree nearer. When she got a full view of it all she started filling with a mixture of emotions, mostly fear. This fear was from what would become of the titular creatures and people of her village as she obtained full attention of what was happening.

    She noticed the people that stood around. Most hid in the safety of their homes and others were outside watching the situation unfold, daring not to make a move for the sake of their lives. An usual aura of joy was replaced by unrelenting panic.

    Men in black, dingy clothing gathered up more and more Dragons with each second that passed. The invaders did their job with haste and seemed to do it with no problem whatsoever which very much worried Iris. She snapped out of her surreal state and looked around. Iris continued to watch from a distance, still tucked in the tree while remaining undetected by anyone.

    They all kept their eyes trained on the dirty brown-haired, rough-looking man that stood before them. His sly, despicable eyes were a clear window that showed how vile he was. Standing next to him was a short bluish-black Pokémon that barred knife-life claws. The most fear-striking thing about it was its simple gaze from the equally as sharp eyes along with the rather cold and sinister grin it wore.

    Near them was a large, black truck. It had a caged backside that held many Pokémon. Iris couldn't make out what Pokémon they were specifically but she knew without a doubt that the captured Dragons were just as helpless as the villagers were or else they surely would have freed themselves by now. She was tempted to try and get close to the truck, but she didn't want to risk it in this situation.

    "Old man, just give it up. Be honest with yourself, you're in no position to be trying anything. This village of yours is practically defenseless. I just want to gather what I came for to my heart's content with no interruption," the intimidating thief boomed.

    Iris shuddered as she knew very well how right the man was. There weren't many powerful trainers in the village since chosen Dragon trainers went on their journeys at a certain age. That in itself left the village pretty defenseless and at a disadvantage for possible attacks. Standing opposite the man was Ryuu, who sported a livid expression.

    "My age does not matter. You are to leave this village at once!" Ryuu yelled loudly, which caused one of the thieves to cringe. "Don't think I won't do what I have to in order to protect this village!"

    "We'll leave when we've collected what we need," the thief continued to protest.

    "Leave my village, poacher!" The man demanded with more animosity. The dark-clothed man smirked, seeming unfazed by Ryuu's anger.

    "I'm Baron and I like to think of myself as more of a businessman than a lowly poacher," he introduced himself arrogantly.

    "I see you're ready to face punishment for causing so much turmoil toward my home!" Ryuu took a look at the Weavile that stood next to its trainer.

    "Big words, big words. That's all I hear, I know very well how the Dragon Village is known for having few strong trainers. An old dinosaur like you is not one of them," Baron tormented childishly, which elicited a grimace from Ryuu.

    "You leave me no choice!" Ryuu pulled out a ping pong-sized ball. Pressing a button in the middle of the metal orb, he gave it one toss into the air. A large stream of energy flowed from the red-and-white, metallic sphere. It took shape and formed a bulky, light-orange body. The creature possessed muscular arms and legs, each end of both arms were equipped with three claws. The small blue-greenish and yellow wings on the Pokémon's back didn't look threatening in the slightest, the same could be said for the small horn on his head alongside two wobbly thin antennae. The Pokémon was none other than Ryuu's partner, Dragonite.

    Iris knew it all too well. She would sometimes watch Ryuu and the Dragon Pokémon train together. Seeing Dragonite fueled her dream of one day having her own powerful, large Dragon. Once again though she remembered raising and evolving Dragon Pokémon in-general has always been talked of as if it was a difficult test.

    "You gotta be pretty gutsy to even send out a Dragon-type against an Ice-type," the man hissed. "We brought these choice of Pokémon here with the intent of defeating Dragons easily."

    "You'll be surprised at the power of a hard-trained Dragon. Now use Dragon Claw!" The Dragon Pokémon dove at Weavile with his murderous claws glowing a bluish hue.

    "Make ready to evade it then strike with Ice Shard."

    "Wea," the Pokémon concurred. Weavile stood calmly and waited for its enemy. It made a near effortless jump, just in time to evade the charging Dragonite. The Sharp Claw Pokémon held out its claws as a chunk of ice formed and was thrown at Dragonite, who fled to the skies, only to have his back pelted by the attack.

    Dragonite struggled to stay airborne after taking a doubly strong move to his backside. Ice Shard was a certain type of move that was known for its remarkable speed, always being able to strike first and fast. Baron was extremely surprised by Dragonite's endurance.

    "That Dragonite is still flying!?"

    "Humph!" A loud roar came from Ryuu. "You've never battled a Pokémon with 'Multiscale' have you? Due to a thick coating of scales around Dragonite's body he can stand up to any move, even Ice-type ones! It's especially a useful ability when Dragonite's fresh!" Iris smirked seeing Baron was unfamiliar with the ability that few Dragonite had, allowing them to take attacks more effectively than they normally would. How Ryuu managed to obtain a Pokémon with such a rare ability, Iris didn't know. Managing to find one almost seemed like something she could only do in a dream.

    "Who cares?" Baron was visibly flustered. "No matter, I'll take your Dragonite too then."

    "Stay strong!" Ryuu encouraged his Pokémon. "Show them your power with Thunderbolt!" The Dragon Pokémon's antennae built up with electricity and delivered a blast of thunder toward Weavile. The Pokémon instinctively evaded the attack with grace, making Iris marvel at what formidable speed it wielded.

    "Ice Beam!" Weavile created an azure ball of ice on its mouth and directed the steady stream of chilling blast towards Dragonite. The Dragon Pokémon was just lucky enough to evade the super-effective attack in a split second. Ryuu was happy to see his fellow protector dodging the move without having to be told.

    "Thunderbolt, once more!" Ryuu shouted. Dragonite swiftly generated a powerful blast of electricity again. The Sharp Claw Pokémon reacted by once again evading the attack just in time. This made Baron more confident, much to Ryuu's annoyance.

    "Isn't that agility just amazing? I trained him myself to reach that level of speed. Now Weavile, use Blizzard!" this time his Pokémon conjured a huge ice storm-like blast of wind directed toward Dragonite and struck the Dragon Pokémon's chest which caused him to howl in pain from the subzero attack that made him crash onto the ground. Dragonite did his best to regain his composure.

    "Get up Dragonite!" Ryuu encouraged the large, light-orange Pokémon. Ryuu's Dragonite had been in many tough spots so was known for his undying will to persevere, especially when given verbal support.

    "Ice Beam, again!" Baron was sure that the blast of frozen power was finally going to take down Dragonite.

    "Try this Baron, Flamethrower!" A hot blaze trailed toward the Ice Beam, causing a slight cloud to fill the air as the Ice Beam collided with the Fire-type move. Many sprinkles and bits of water showered Weavile, making the Sharp Claw Pokémon and ground around it wet.

    "There's no running this time!" said Ryuu who then proceeded to tell his Dragonite to use Thunderbolt. Weavile had no time to react as it was promptly zapped by the powerful electricity with the water conducting the move. It was a clever trick Ryuu learned to use against his opponents in his younger days which worked wonders.

    Sparks surged off Weavile's damaged body. The Sharp Claw Pokémon was no tank and Baron wasn't comfortable with seeing it take such a powerful attack. Weavile couldn't stand up because of the power of the attack. Baron grunted with anger. With slightly clouded judgement he gave a temperamental command in an attempt to end things fast.


    "Nail it with Ice Punch!" Weavile used its remaining strength to bound into the air with a fist that shined with blue energy. Ryuu was quick to seize the opportunity though.

    "Ascend, then dive, and end this with Fire Punch!" Dragonite's fist was pumped with strong heat as he jetted off and then dive-bombed the Sharp Claw Pokémon.

    In the climax of the battle, both moves clashed and brought forth a monumental explosion of power. Fire Punch overpowered Ice Punch and when the smoke cleared it showed a very exhausted and senseless Weavile while Dragonite continued to stand proudly. Iris smiled with glee watching the Dragon Pokémon make fairly short work of Weavile with only two attacks.

    "But, how did...?!" Baron was stupefied.

    "Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are, you should have been more cautious. Let's take care of the poacher, Dragonite. I want him!" Ryuu wasn't joking as his Dragonite was making ready to bolt toward Baron.

    "Don't think that I've given up yet!" the man said with slime in his voice. Iris and the other villagers paid close attention to Baron who motioned toward two men standing and guarding the truck. The grunts proceeded to open the cage, the sound of Poké Balls being opened drew in Iris's attention.

    A pink, regal Pokémon stood near the cage, it put its hands on its large crown-like rock helmet, both eyes glowed light blue. Standing near the pink Pokémon was a brown, tall Pokémon, its whiskers were quite long. It held two spoons in its three-fingered hands, as if they were weapons. The spoons and its eyes took on a blue tone. Two large creatures were forced out of the caged truck violently.

    The aroma of fresh blood was the first thing that struck Iris's attention, the scent was intoxicating, even in the faraway tree. As both of the creatures came into view, Iris could only look on sorrowfully at the two Pokémon. Their ferocious, pale, yellow irises were filled with absolute hatred and pain. Hatred for Baron and what was being forced upon them. The Cave Pokémon certainly looked like they had seen better days.

    Their red-spiked, blue-scaled bodies were whipped in various areas. Some bare flesh showed from the abuse they suffered, their wings were slashed in a few places as well. The sight nearly triggered the young girl's gag reflex as her skin crawled.

    Baron grabbed a long whip and pulled it back and, with much force, slung the vicious cord onto the backside of one of the Druddigon. This caused the attacked Pokémon to holler in pain. Iris looked down when it made contact and cringed with her eyes shut, it was as if nails were being forcefully scratched on a chalkboard. She could tell the female Druddigon was struggling to hold back the tears that threatened to flood her face. With each whipping the Druddigon received the image was permanently burned into her mind.

    "Halt your attack and I'll stop whipping these poor, poor Dragons. Your move old man," Baron tormented. "The Dragons here are pretty weak if they can be subdued this easily."

    Whipping and mocking the Dragons only got Iris worked up. Ryuu called his Dragonite back to his Poké Ball and remained silent. Baron nodded to the two Psychic Pokémon.

    They gave a little more force into their combined Psychic attack, forcing the two Druddigon to their knees as Baron delivered another awful whipping to the male Druddigon this time which caused the creature to lifelessly blackout. Iris nearly yelled out, as if she felt the Cave Pokémon's pain herself, but quickly covered her mouth in fear of having attention drawn to her.

    "Alakazam, Slowking," Baron said the names of the Psychic-types once as they instinctively packaged the two Druddigon back into the cage. "It's been nice doing business with you, remember if you try anything. They'll die," Baron said, coldly yet, jokingly as if it was a game. This angered Iris even more.

    "Here's a lesson people of the Dragon Village!" Baron screamed. "The easiest and best way to tame Dragons is by force. You just need to be rough enough and you can accomplish the supposedly hard feat of taming a Dragon beast with ease. This is why your precious village falls short, it's too soft. You make creatures like these out to be friends, Dragons have the potential to be extremely savage creatures. You don't take advantage of that but don't worry I'm sure the new owners will enjoy having such Pokémon. Understanding their hearts? Don't make me laugh."

    "I held up on my part, now leave!" Ryuu shouted, disgruntled.

    "Tommy, go get the truck ready!" Baron motioned to one of his men, not caring about Ryuu anymore.

    "O-Okay sir!" The bumbling, blond young man ran up to the truck, stumbling on the way there and tripping. The rather pale-skinned man fell on his face. "Sorry, Baron!"

    He apologized while timidly getting on his feet. The rather new member of the gang of poachers had only joined recently, his rather eccentric, awkward personality usually gave Baron a headache in more ways than one, despite his attempts at doing his job well.

    "How did he get mixed in with those guys?" Iris wondered as she got a small amount of enjoyment at the incompetent grunt's expense.

    "Tommy, you dumbass!" Baron yelled to the buffoon of a grunt with zero sympathy. Putting the inefficient behavior aside Baron walked up and got into the passenger's seat as Tommy was stationed in the driver's seat. The leader of the poachers decided to leave some parting words to make Ryuu and the villagers feel even worse.

    "I bid you a farewell pathetic village!" Baron shouted from the window as he took off with the rest of the men latching on from the rear and sides of the vehicle.

    "I'm not letting them get away!" Iris yelled, still steaming from with anger about what he did to the Druddigon. She gave chase after the truck once she climbed down the tree. She couldn't keep up but did her best to follow. Swablu followed as well, not willing to let her go alone.

    -:-

    "Is everyone alright?" Ryuu announced, attempting to comfort everyone as they all were still shaken up from what just happened. The group of people talked among themselves and tried their best to reassure themselves of what had just had happened.

    "Everyone is okay Ryuu. We're all okay!" One man said aloud.

    "But, the Dragons aren't," a feminine voice spurted.

    "Now, now. We will do something about the Dragons, but this will take time," Ryuu announced. "I have to know for sure that everyone is fine."

    "Daddy! Daddy! I just checked around, Iris is missing!" Mira came running up, completely out of breath.

    "What! What do you mean, Mira?!" Ryuu asked.

    "I'm saying that I think Iris left in pursuit of the poachers who took the Dragons! I checked the forest area she usually plays in when those poachers showed up! She's not there! Shelgon said he saw her leave a little while back! I think she went after the poachers, it's just like her to do something like that!"

    "The girl whose ancestors were responsible for ending the great strife between Dragons and humans," Ryuu said frustrated. "We cannot beat those men with only a few strong Pokémon at our side, the numbers have been lessened even more because they took some of the village's strong wild Dragons. They might not have been under anyone's ownership, but they protected our village. Iris is letting her anger go to her head instead of patiently waiting for help to come!"

    "What are we going to do?!" Mira asked with tears in her eyes.

    "I'm going to ask for help from a strong trainer who trained here years ago, he's become quite the remarkable battler from what I've heard. I'm going to call Drayden in the Unova Region!"
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2013
  2. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    I'd started reading the first one, but got bogged down in exams, and was reluctant to read it in any case as it seemed you were about to revise it - it's nice that I could catch the reboot. x3 You've done a great job of it, from what I remember of the previous one, though! Cleared up quite a few of the highlighted issues. :D A few little things, though:

    Given that this is on a Pokemon forum targeting an audience that are presumed to understand the premise of the games/anime/manga, the italicised introduction is really not necessary. It doesn't append/change anything to/in the basic background. As an introduction to the idea of Pokemon itself, in any case, there are elements that lack explanation.

    Your movement from discussing the categorical types of Pokemon to a reference to their 'moves', when a non-Pokemon savvy reader hasn't yet been informed that these creatures are set against each other in a commercialised blood sport or even that their attacks/use of their abilities are dubbed as 'moves, is a bit of a leap. Rephrasing would be key here, as would a more careful consideration of your target audience throughout this introduction. The wording of the final sentence is also confusing - it's 'the same type as the move'.

    'Against' another. You also interchange what 'type' is referring to, switching from 'moves' to 'Pokemon type' throughout the introduction. As a result, here, where you mention that certain types are super-effective against each other, you are referring to both Pokemon and the move types. But if a water pokemon tackles a fire pokemon, the attack won't be super-effective against it, because what is crucial is not the type of the pokemon, but the type of the move - the type of pokemon just increases what moves they can do and the power of the move. You mentioned this at an earlier point, but failed to pull the distinction through and failed to define the difference here, so any reader without foreknowledge would be confused at this point. Keep an eye on the target audience, as I said before.

    I won't continue to point out things like this, you get the picture. A little reconsideration should iron it out. Again, though, if you're not intending to introduce a non-Pokemon audience to your fiction, the bulk of the introduction is redundant, at least until you reach the part about the Dragons, which, as it is of key interest to the protagonist and the story itself, is more relevant, as it introduces, in part, how the Dragons are perceived in your world, and how the villagers, in particular perceive them: this is decent scene setting material.

    I wouldn't say that the technical details about how 'ice moves are super effective' are really appropriate though - for two reasons.

    First of all, because that is once again introducing us to the concept of the tactics-based Pokemon games, and how dragon types are weak to dragon types and ice types which most readers would already know. If they don't know, which they possibly may not, I will admit, I still don't see how this piece of information is relevant at this moment. Knowing this technical detail doesn't assist the setting up of the scene or the story, I'd argue: it has no impact on the directly proceeding scene, and while it tactically introduces Dragons, there really isn't any need for tactical detail at this point. It feels irrelevant - for the time being, I'd argue.

    Finally, it's because this reel of statistics sounds unnatural when referring to flesh-and-blood creatures. It's dispassionate, discussing the creatures as you would an inanimate tool - a hammer is good for physical attacks, but if you use a fire attack on it, i.e. a blow torch, the attack will super-effectively melt it into a pile of molten iron and wood cinders. The more folk-lore-y sections, such as the hypothesis about the dragons' abilities to tolerate cold temperatures, both feels more natural and introduces how Dragons are perceived - and it is in this way I feel you could expand on the dragons weaknesses, if you feel you need to introduce it. It also reflects the cooperative relationship between the dragons and the villagers, which, as you finish stressing, is supposed to be close. Dispassionate descriptions draw away from that. But this is more a stylistic issue.

    No need for the 'it' before 'is a strong'.

    Sentence splice - you can't use a comma to connect two whole independent clauses (parts of a sentence). If the clauses on either side of a comma makes sense on their own, then you've created a splice. This website goes into more detail.

    I'll leave it here for now, but I'll come back and finish the review in a little while. I'm just hungry. x3
     
  3. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    I wouldn't use "beings being" like that. It reads weird. I'd say either "These dragons being..." or "These beings are sought for their strength, and that means...."

    There should be a comma after "annoyed" and "She" should be lower case since "exclaimed" describes the actual dialogue (like "said" or "cried" or "yelled")

    The descriptive bits at the end there feel tacked-on. Try to work stuff like that into the narration on Mira instead of just gluing them to the end of sentences like that.

    A couple of punctuation problems there. There should be a semi-colon between "lateness" and "today", since there is a natural pause between those clauses. Also, after "class days" should be a period. "The Swablu hasn't hatched yet" should be its own standalone sentence.

    The grammar at the end of that sentence really falls apart. I'd put a period after "elder Swablu". And then the second sentence should be "Its efforts were futile, as it was not developed enough yet to fly". (that's another thing: it's hard, but try not to use contractions in narration).

    Sounds like "um" or the like aren't ideal in dialogue like how you used them. I would change it to say something like Iris hesitated before answering, "Sure I can". Or Iris stammered, "Sure I can!".

    In past-tense, try to avoid saying "now". It implies present-tense. Say "Upon entering the forest" or "While in the forest".

    This is telling instead of showing. I'd rather this line be cut, and you just describe the scene. Who are the invaders? What do they look like? What are they doing to the dragons?

    I don't know what exactly bothers me about this bit of dialogue, but it reads really weakly to me. It just seems too forced. Why does Ryuu care what this guy's name is? If someone is robbing my house, I'm not going to confront them and say "What's your name?" I'm just going to defend myself. Maybe Ryuu should just say "Leave my village, poacher!". Then you can keep Baron's line the same; his willingness to give his own name represents him as being smug and feeling untouchable. And then Ryuu's last bit of dialogue there seems a bit...cheesy to me. Like canned heroic dialogue. Maybe something more emotional like "This is my village, and I won't stand for this!" I dunno. I just don't like it as is. Sorry. :(

    For as much intro as you do at the beginning of this story to teach new readers about pokemon (there are 17 types, they each have their own strengths and weaknesses, they can summon attacks from the elements, battles are a match of athleticism and wits, there are gyms, etc), you don't really describe pokeball technology much, and that would be a big question for a new reader. I'm not saying to necessarily plug it in here, but you might want to describe how pokeballs work in the opening, too.

    You know what I just said about pokeballs needing an intro since you intro'd pokemon themselves? You might want to mention how pokemon species have identifiers (i.e., "The Sharp Claw Pokemon") or what "abilities" are. Not that we here don't know that, but since the opening implies that this story is supposed to be accessible to non-pokemon fans, it'd help those types of readers out.

    This seems a little immature for someone of Ryuu's age and stature.

    I'm trying not to complain about omniscient narrator despite how much I generally dislike it, but this bit here really sticks out to me. Why on Earth am I suddenly getting insight into this newbie member and/or Baron? Especially in a paragraph that started out with Iris' perspective? It's particularly jarring here, and it seems like it's thrown in JUST to explain something to which I could have waited on an answer.



    -Okay, it's interesting to me just HOW DIFFERENT this story is from the original. I was expecting kind of a re-hashing with new details thrown in, and that is clearly not the case. Commendable work on that.

    Obviously, there's some stuff you need to work on grammatically and with narration, but that's all right. This was actually not badly written at all, and was generally an enjoyable read. I look forward to future chapters.
     
  4. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    I'm here for the Review Game.



    Overall, I'm liking your usage of a movie-like introduction as a basis for starting the story off. However, I have to say that I think that exclamation point at the end of the first sentence is a bit awkward. Actually, the first two sentences could probably be combined with a comma and work a bit better.

    This paragraph is good, but feels a little wordy. Two pieces of advice I'd give you here are: 1) change "are" to "is" in "popular sport that are enjoyed by all ages," and 2) reduce the number of words a little bit. Going from beginning to end of the paragraph, you could probably cut "kind of," "own" and "in these fights."

    Beginning two consecutive sentences with "there are" creates awkward repetition, so I would recommend you change that.

    There's more repetition in the last sentence ("strong" variants being used twice) as well as some confusing wording. I understand that you mean "Dragon Pokemon" as in draconian Pokemon, not Dragon-types, but others may not.

    It's very good that you're providing this information for readers who may not already be privy to it. However, once again the wordiness is coming out a bit cumbersome; this time, you do not need to say the second half of the first sentence, because all it does is restate the same information as the first half. You keep using "Dragon" a little too much in general, so let me give you the advice to try diversifying your language a bit.

    The first sentence again restates the same information twice.

    I see the plot beginning to kick in now, so I'm excited. Let's get down to it.

    So this is game Iris, but you borrowed some bits of her anime persona as well? I like that. It helps create a character that is recognizable and familiar while still being fresh.

    Wording note: Far too many uses of "girl" in this part.

    This is a very nice bit of characterization. It certainly fits Iris well, and for those who are not familiar with her, it serves as a good introduction to how she acts.

    I really like this scene. It's silly and laid-back, yet tells us just what we need to know about Iris. Someone coming into this completely blind could easily tell that Iris is cocky but in a playful way already.

    And now an original character, which adds some more variety to the mix. Good move.

    A note: the word immediately after the closing of quotations should be lowercase unless it begins a new sentence. "the girl said" is not the beginning of a new sentence here, so it should be lowercase.

    All of this is good information, but it probably should be broken up into more sentences in order to make it easier to read.

    Good worldbuilding here. This scene is very clear with what information it is delivering.

    I have to point out, again, the overuse of a word. This time it's Ryuu's name, which could be substituted with "him" or "her teacher" or something at times.

    These two interact well. I can see their conversation playing out quite clearly in my head.

    Something about this little bit of information makes me smile. I'm not really sure why.

    Ooh, I like this. It's pleasant to envision.

    Okay, I'm liking Ryuu and his Swablu already. Another very distinctive personality, which is something you seem to be quite good at.

    Characterization and character interactions appear to be your strong suits so far, judging from things like this.

    An excellent piece of background information here. This tells me quite a bit about Ryuu; he appears to be a harsh but kind person who takes things seriously but helps others. There's also some rather interesting backstory for the dragons that could be delved into from here, so using these paragraphs creates a good jumping-off point.

    A very well-described and interesting scene. You can take several things away from this part - on the surface, Iris is just helping bring another dragon into the world, but if you think about it, she can learn lessons and life skills from this that go far beyond the surface situation here.

    I'm amazed at the attention to detail here.

    I know I keep saying this, but I really am loving just how clear you make Iris's lessons and how well written they are. I can feel all of this being entirely real, and all of the characters feel real as well. I'm very impressed on that regard.

    I wonder what the important business is.

    Will Iris's parents become a factor later? That's a subject I'm curious about.

    This is an interesting way to depict the whole "Girl Who Knows the Hearts of Dragons" concept. It's good that Iris has a friendly Pokemon to practice with, though I get the feeling that may not always be the case.

    I guess my prediction might be about to come true a lot faster than I thought. Something's clearly happened.

    This feels a little hard to believe. Nobody's doing anything to stop this? I think that you need to state a little more clearly how these people are making the residents of the Village of Dragons feel threatened.

    Again, it's a little hard to believe. You'd think some villagers would feel loyalty to their home and stay to defend it as dragon trainers.

    If Baron is the poacher's name, it's not generally a good idea to use the name as if we know it already before you tell it to us.

    He doesn't sound so weak to me, if he has a Dragonite...

    Another nod to the anime?

    This could be delivered a lot more effectively, for example by having Baron react to Multiscale before revealing and explaining it. This part needs better description overall.

    Also, you spelled "Multiscale" two different ways when "Multiscale" is the correct spelling.

    Who is speaking here?

    That was a pretty decent battle. I certainly would not call Ryuu weak.

    This really doesn't feel like all that much of a threat. Ryuu has his Dragonite, so why does he not try to free the Druddigon?

    Is this grunt supposed to be comic relief? He feels a little out of place in what is otherwise a serious story, I think.

    This fits into Iris's pattern of behavior, I think. Though I still think this whole thing could have been avoided.

    And a decent ending to wrap everything up. The hints about Iris's backstory provide an interesting cliffhanger, as does the reveal of Drayden.

    Anyway, let's sum things up:

    Characters: Your strongest suit. Every character has a defined, distinct personality that makes them clear individuals. Iris's character stands out, which I say because this feels very much like it could be a story involving her in canon.

    Relationships: Also good. The characters mesh well together, meaning they maintain their individuality while contributing to the larger whole. This was especially evident during Iris's lesson with the Egg.

    Writing: This is your weakness, I think. Some problems here include wordiness, repetition of certain words, and awkward wording. A beta reader could help you with this by helping you correct such mistakes.

    Plot: Finally, I have to say that I overall enjoyed the plot. You're providing a look into the history of a relatively new character and you're writing that history well. I could believe at times that I actually was watching Iris. Seeing her grow through lessons learned from Ryuu was a satisfying experience. Unfortunately, the plot with the poacher was a bit less interesting, because his plan felt a little strange and reliant upon coincidence and luck.

    Overall, I enjoyed it. I'd recommend it if an Iris fan asked me for an Iris fic recommendation.
     
  5. LadyLady

    LadyLady Well-Known Member

    Heyy, gunna' do a review haha :D I'm not an expert but will try my best.

    Only one were.

    Umm, you mentioned why ice types in the intro were super effective towards dragon types, which was interesting! Would you possibly be able to come up as a theory as to why dragon types are super effective agains dragon types? That would be cool. Also in the introduction, you covered plenty of information but another thing you could possibly add is how someone becomes a gym leader? As that's not really explained in depth and I just thought sice the fic centres around iris it might be a nice addition to add.

    I'm abit through and I must say your description is fine honestly, but being a more creative writer I feel it could be better! Ya know, a few metaphors, smilies, maybe add some alliteration that rolls of the tongue? It would just make the fic more enjoyable to read as we're I'm upto right now (Swablu hatching) its becoming abit of a drag.

    Eyes? I'm not sure?

    That's what I was waiting for! I was thinking surely Ryuu is gunna' have to say something!

    Oh I like him.

    I like the battle, you're describing it really well, the tactics are interesting and I can picture it all in my head nicely! Well done! I love that Baron is a villain that actually cares for his Pokemon. It's great that your describing the Pokemon before you reveal them other people (like me) can never be bothered to do that. Kudos ;)

    Ok I take that back, Baron doesn't care for his Pokemon, or maybe just Weaville? (my mistake, druddigon wasn't his)

    Maybe 'feel even more bad.' ?

    This might just be me but I think this is a tad rushed, you could of planned this out better. I don't understand how Shelgon could get that point across so easily and how Mira could of checked the forest so quickly, maybe spread it out abit, like have them find out she was missing the next day or bourse later maybe Mira realises she hasn't seen iris in a while.

    The anticipation of Draden is a nice touch at the end, something to leave the reader anticipated. I couldn't find any spelling mistakes (but that's coming from me haha) or grammar, so well done! Obviously this is just the first chapter however I don't feel like the plot is strong enough at all, but of course it is most likely not the full plot or whatever. If it is, and the whole story is about iris searching for these poachers I really don't know how far you can go with it. Your range of vocabulary is nice to read although as said before I would prefere more creative writing involved. Otherwise a nice chapter so far, you've described everything fine but nothing I could say was 'exceptional' like idk, even though it's blatantly not rushed at all it still seemed like it because of the lack of small but significant details you could of added.

    Well that's all from me, hope I wasn't too nice/bad aha, see ya later :)
     
  6. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    I think that I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapters. I got pulled in with the title because I had a feeling it would be an Iris-centric fic. I've really started to like Iris' character lately and I think she's an interesting character. It will be interesting to see your version of how Iris becomes the champion. I really really enjoyed the first chapter.
     
  7. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    Well, thank you for deciding to read my fic. I hope you enjoy it, hopefully the quality will increase significantly as things go along This is my first true fanfic so I'll try to keep on mend and try to continue to improve it.

    It's a thought I dabbled with, I didn't think many would be interested.

    Gotcha, I'll work on this in the future.



    fix'd

    fix'd


    Thank you for pointing that out. To be honest I just decided to do this intro because I thought it would be a good way to start off the story, I didn't have a specific target audience in mind. ^^;;



    Noted and cleared up.


    Hum...I actually never thought of it that way, I'll keep this in mind. Also all grammatical issues are cleaned up, thank you for pointing them out.

    Indeed, it isn't really a rehash. More like a new story made from the ground up in a way, same concept, same characters, different plot, tone, and execution. Thank you.

    Yes, I did. Thank you for the compliment, I was going for that when I decided on making her a bit of a "wild child".

    Haha, I'm not sure. I'm actually still working on whether or not and when that should be incorporated into the story if I put it in.
    That actually wasn't a nod to the anime. I just wanted to show that Iris wishes she had a strong Dragon like Ryuu's since he's her teacher, caretaker, and mentor.

    I know he seems out of place and a bit like a bonehead move to include among the rest of the baddies. But he serves a very important purposes later on in the story.

    Indeed, that's always been one of my main problems. My words, awkward phrasing, wordiness, and repetition of words, I'm working on improving on that. Also, I've corrected every grammatical mistake that was pointed out and went back and cleaned up some of the words a bit.
    Yeah, I agree about that. It felt a bit too "situational" in a way, like what were the chances the poachers would show up out of the blue like that? I wish I could have foreshadowed that more, but thanks for pointing this out. I'll work on doing this more properly in the future.




    I've cleaned every grammar error up and fixed up some of the wordiness in Chapter one, I really appreciate the reviews it can only improve my writing skills and I'm glad that you all took the time out of your days to read my fic and critique it. Hopefully the significantly shorter chapter two is up to scratch.
     
  8. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    In my opinion, this should be two sentences - replace the comma with a full stop.

    Now the opposite - this could all be one sentence and sound more fluid.

    I fail to see as to why this is a 'for example' moment - the fact that Charizard is not dragon has nothing to do with the previous sentence.

    It is hypothesized THAT a Dragon's scaley body can't handle cold temperatures, AND, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-.......

    Just a suggestion.

    After the speech marks put 'the' rather than 'The' as it is continuation.


    You repeat the term 'power' and 'attack' twice, - maybe sub the latter sentence for 'Weavile couldn't stand due to the thousands of volts coursing through its fragile body.' And the use of 'tank' sounds an awful lot like a real-life competitive battling title - just sounds a bit off, even if the people in this world use it.

    Three issues: first, I believe 'regal' to be a better word here than 'kingly', I personally feel that the 'large crown-like rock helmet' should be referenced to having eyes and, finally, I find the phrase 'a light blue colour' to be a little jagged; can't you just say 'light blue'?

    Switch the first comma and first full stop. That makes the last sentence flow better.

    Ahh, the perfect opportunity to use the interrobang twice: ‽

    That mark is a question mark over an exclamation mark and could be used when both are used at the same time, and the two sentences above are perfect for this. Of course, it's not a properly recognised mark, but its popularity is increasing.

    Well, over all I think it was quite a good read. You made the village seem really homely (somewhere an adventure is sure to start) so good on you for that. The description you go into on the intro may be a little much, however - after all, we all know these things about Pokemon already! So, maybe meantion the importance of Dragon being Weak to Ice, but the whole water/fire thing is a little redundant for this story, don't you think?

    So, overall, you managed to grab our attention immediately after the post-intro, and set the scene and world very nicely (I don't watch the anime - are all these people from it? (I know Iris, of course)) as well as Iris' childishness, with her rash behaviour and cute air-plane impersonation.
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2012
  9. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    A/N: Chapter 2 is finally here after an extremely long interval of time, nearly four and half months since the last update. That's just so unallowable, I apologize for that since I've actually had a few people contact me regarding the fic.'s current status and when Chapter 2 would finally be released. I'm actually fairly surprised that I wasn't able to get it out sooner, but I'll make sure to never have a gap that monstrous again. Not to mention, the 'real world' got in my way since I've been busy with the holidays, football conditioning training, and other lame excuses. Without further ado here it is. No the title is not a spelling error, it's meant to be a pun/reference.


    Chapter 2 Dragon Tails


    “Damn, where is it?!”

    The firmly built, spacious clinic was in shambles. The man had tossed around various objects in his erratic searching. He desperately pursued the guide, knowing that it, as well as the person it would lead to, might ultimately end up being Iris's salvation.

    A sweaty, headache-consumed Ryuu muttered unintelligible words under his breath as he yanked out a drawer with little force. This caused a variety of papers to take flight around him. The frustration the man felt was an intoxicating mixture of anxiety and exhaustion. He thought back several times to the day’s incident and replayed the same scenario in his head. The poachers were ruthless to say the least.

    "I found the map!" Mira yelled, much to the surprise of Ryuu. His daughter handed him the raggedy paper and he hastily grabbed a Poké Ball. After he enlarged and tossed it, a bang of energy flooded from the capsule and Dragonite appeared. Ryuu held out the map so the Dragon could get a good view of it.

    “This is the Unova Region, find this man in this place.” Ryuu showed the map as well as a picture to the fully-grown Pokémon. The Dragon analyzed the two illustrations for a few more minutes as Ryuu did his best to explain their current situation to him in a rushed but understandable manner.

    “Is this really the best way?” Mira asked half-heartedly.

    “A Dragonite’s intelligence can match or exceed that of a human’s and Dragonite in-general are known for having exceptional speed,” Ryuu proclaimed as Dragonite bolted toward the door and took flight, flying at what seemed to be so fast that his speed could reduce a jet to an envious mess.

    Having done everything he could to help Iris at this point, Ryuu had no choice but to leave it up to faith from this point on. The man took a seat on the couch sitting near the commons area, his head throbbed with pain from his headache. He felt mentally and physically drained from the day and it was no secret to Mira there was a gray cloud of guilt, frustration, worry, and depression that hung overhead.

    How was Iris doing? What was she doing? Was she hungry, scared, tired? Had she found the poachers? Had the poachers found her?

    Scanning the photograph he had shown to Dragonite, it detailed a person who reminded him of Iris in a way. The personality of a dreamer no doubt.

    “I have to rely on him for help.....” the respected man closed his eyes and relaxed for a few seconds, which gradually morphed into minutes. He felt nostalgic as he closed his eyes and dropped into a much-needed slumber.

    -:-

    It was sultry with the sun beaming in the clear, azure sky overhead. The great weather was something the sprawling Dragon Village was blessed with often. It gave a nice sense of peace to the once torn village that was sometimes called “Dragon Hell” for its past.

    A youthful man breathed calmly as a breeze of air swept through his blond hair, the lively guy wore his usual poker face in the heat of a challenge, height wise he was average compared to other Dragon Village fellows.

    Before him was a mostly blue-bodied, elegant serpent with two angelic wings in place of ears and a plain white underbelly. The majestic being did nothing but sleep peacefully in the midst of battle, probably the most appealing thing about the creature were the crystal, cerulean orbs on his tail and neck, the latter having one while the former being dual orbed. The miniscule non-threatening horn that jutted out of his head didn’t seem very lethal.

    Opposite the duo were an older man who was distinguished by his auburn hair and a lizard that seemed to possess a flame for a tail tip. The fire creature wobbled as it became clear its dark-red body was littered with several bruises that told the tale of a harsh battle that was going to end soon, but before that the trainer decided to give one last futile command.

    “Flamethrower!” the Flame Pokémon took a deep breath and showered the Dragonair in a hot power that completely enveloped him. As the flames died down they revealed Dragonair wasn't shaken in the slightest.

    The Dragon slowly opened his eyes and yawned. His trainer flicked a hand carelessly. A charge of lightning sent the Charmeleon flying twenty feet away, almost as if it was an insignificant pest being swatted. Much to the surprise of no one the Fire-type did not stand back up.

    “You make it look easy.” The other trainer said while returning the unconscious Charmeleon to its Poké Ball and grunting in slight frustration.

    “Thanks,” Ryuu patted Dragonair on his head in gratitude.

    “I actually thought that battling against you would push Charmeleon toward evolution. It was an interesting battle at least,” the trainers exchanged handshakes before parting ways.

    “Let’s battle again soon,” Ryuu returned Dragonair to his Poké Ball as he stared up at the sky and took notice to the flock of bird Pokémon that flew overhead. The day was as lively as always and the unchanging aura of the village was something he was accustomed to.

    He would wake-up, eat, and train, sometimes finding trainers to face off against. Time would be spent researching different plants, as a striving self-proclaimed “Dragon Doctor” he would often experiment with many different herbs.

    Today was no exception, he spent the day examining various greenery, only taking a break to battle a passerby. While searching, none of the plants gained his interest, so he looked a bit harder.

    The man took a detour around his usual spot and winded up near a clearing after a quarter of a hour. Nothing stood out about the place, it was a normal natural area.

    As he spent the better half of an hour examining the place, he came upon something peculiar. In the distance he made out two figures rolling around together on the ground, seemingly fighting. He moved in closer to get an earful of what they were saying.

    A maturing male voice growled, the brown-gray haired child had the creature in a headlock. His plain white t-shirt had been slightly ripped from the bout which showed off his pale skin that eluded the sun’s tanning rays. It wasn’t hard to tell that the boy worked out daily as he was decently built for his size and was contending against a wild Pokémon.

    “Fraxure!” The reptilian, forest-tinted Pokémon with tusks that seemed nearly as long as a yardstick tried to shake free of the boy’s grip as he flailed around. The human adversary drew back his fist and made ready to send it into Fraxure’s red-speckled gut, but the Pokémon threw the boy off of him in the nick of time. The Dragon-type took the opportunity to put a licking on his opponent, but the boy evaded the kicks and punches that were thrown his way.

    Fraxure smirked as he sneakingly swiped his left foot near the boy’s leg, causing him to momentarily lose his balance. This was enough for the Fraxure to force all his weight on the adolescent and keep him firmly planted to forest floor. Fraxure had a desperate look in his eyes as it made ready to pound the young man before Ryuu pulled out a Poké Ball and strided over with a yell.

    “Stop!”

    Fraxure and the kid both looked over toward Ryuu, taken off guard by the sharp scream.

    “Dragona-” Ryuu made ready to release his Dragon starter, once more, before he clumsily fell to the ground in his haste, dropping the Poké Ball as well.

    “Are you okay?” The boy and Fraxure both bolted over to a disoriented Ryuu lying on the ground. The Tusk Pokémon helped the man back up to his feet as he coughed in slight pain. Ryuu straightforwardly asked though.

    “Why were you fighting?!”

    “That was training.”

    “What the....” Ryuu didn’t finish his sentence, slightly embarrassed at the huge brouhaha he had made over supposed training.

    “We wrestle in order to train with each other, that’s how it’s always been. People usually think we’re fighting seriously though. I’m Drayden by the way and this is my Fraxure.”

    “Fraxuuu,” the Pokémon introduced himself with a comical salute. Ryuu turned several shades of pink as he went over and scouted for his Dragonair’s Poké Ball. He made sure to apologize once he walked back toward Drayden.

    “Well, sorry about that, you can go back to your training. I’m just here looking for some herbs.”

    “We’re calling it a day for now actually,” Drayden pointed his Poké Ball at the Tusk Pokémon and a beam shot at him, materializing the reptile into a red energy and sucking him back into the device. Drayden pocketed the orb. “What type of herbs?”

    “They’re green with a slightly darker tint near the bottom and leaf-shape and speckled with red tiny spots.”

    "You mean like those right there," Drayden said as he pointed to a nearby tree. Ryuu took notice to the unfamiliar accent of the boy.

    “Exactly,” the striving Dragon medic became somewhat elated, still visually embarrassed though, as he immediately walked over and picked a few pieces of the greenery and stored it in his medical pouch attached to the side of his hip.

    “You’re a medic and know this place, so you live in the Dragon Village?”

    “Yes, I do indeed.”

    “Good we can go together,” he tagged alongside the fellow, walking with purpose toward the village.

    “So, do you always train with your Fraxure like that?”

    “Fraxure is my starter, what better way to toughen him up?” Drayden said affectionately as he wiped a small amount of sweat from his forehead.

    “Such a weird way of training.”

    “Dragons are the strongest Pokémon there are, no reason to be light with their work-out. It’s good for a Pokémon and its trainers to go against each other and see who can win!” the boy scratched his small amount of facial hair. “I came to the Dragon Village to train against strong Dragons, but I haven’t come across many, so I decided to do our usual routine in the meantime.”

    “So, you’re looking for strong Dragons to battle?” Ryuu smirked while asking.

    “Yes, I’m hoping I’ll finally find something if I go to the village again. I went there a little while ago and I was disappointed in the pickings, wild wise and trainer wise.”

    “Well, the Dragon Village is growing back up.”

    “Meaning?”

    “Many skilled Dragon trainers leave the village at a certain age to start their journeys and only a choice few actually stay here to hone their skills. Wild wise, the Dragon population is on the road to recovery. The wild Dragons need time to raise the numbers.”

    “Oh, that’s a let-down,” Drayden exclaimed as he stretched his arms, “I was really looking forward to finding some strong trainers and Dragons here, guess I’m not gonna get that.”

    Ryuu hunched his shoulders, choosing not to answer as the two continued their trek toward the village. Ryuu’s gaze intercepted Fraxure’s Poké Ball which Drayden was wiping with his shirt.

    “So, your Fraxure is strong? I’ve never encountered a member of that line.”

    “Yeah, I got him in Unova.”

    “You’re from Unova? We don’t see too many Unovans here.”

    “Unova is my home region.” Drayden answered while the two continued their advance. “Opelucid to be specific, ‘time’s dividing line’ as many would sometimes call it. A city that respects history and values old things. Opelucid is simply amazing and I love that place, the legendary Dragons would be proud!” Drayden seeped with the type of enthusiasm that someone who had an intense passion for their home only exuded, something Ryuu could sympathize with as he absorbed the words.

    “Sounds kind of like what I think of the village, my unconditional care toward the Dragons and people of this village is what kept me planted here. I could have gone out on a journey and became a successful trainer by now, but I decided to stick to this place.”

    “So, you could have become a successful trainer? I thought you were merely a doctor?”

    “No, no, no. Drayden, I’m quite the battler if I do say so myself. I’m actually one of the best around these parts. Working alongside Dragons in medical settings and battling situations is my style and forte.”

    “Battle me then when we make it to the village.” Ryuu was taken off-guard, it never occurred to him to battle the kid.

    He was the type to not back down from a battle challenge so he blurted, “Okay, in the village.”

    -:-

    The two didn’t talk much further until they had finally made it to the Village of Dragons. Drayden and Ryuu swaggered into the Dragon Village, upon entry Ryuu was greeted by many different people, almost as if he was an idol. The Unova Region native was surprised at his new companion’s popularity, given his prior goofy behavior was less than something he expected from anything resembling a strong, respected trainer.

    The Dragon Village was like a boisterous town. Many children played, around and about people conversed amongst each other, the Pokémon were as lively as ever. Of course the village houses and homes stuck out as a bit peculiar to Drayden given the more wild style of some, whereas others simply looked like normal houses.

    “Well, this seems about right, don’t you think?” Ryuu put his palm to the ground and pulled a handful of grass from the earth. “Lively area we’ve got here. Since you’re the guest to my village, you may set the terms of the battle.”

    “Let’s make it a three-on-three match then,” Drayden pronounced.

    “Perfectly fine, more than doable,” Drayden and Ryuu took their respective places opposite each other. Some people gathered to watch the somewhat amusing battle take place between the young man and adult. The mood seemed tense as Ryuu sniffed the air and Drayden got psyched for his match. “My first one is this guy!” Ryuu tossed his Poké Ball into the air as a bulky, shelled, gray Pokémon appeared before Drayden.

    “Meet Shelgon,” Ryuu announced, “I’ll be leading with him.” Drayden took a look at the Endurance Pokémon and calmly pieced together a plan and assessed the situation, he readied a Poké Ball.

    ”What do I know about the opponent? I’m battling Ryuu. He’s one of the strongest in the Dragon Village, he’s using a Shelgon and most likely has more Dragons. It's a very defensive Dragon that can take attacks and persevere. With that it would be probably be best if I saved Fraxure for later, so in that case....."

    “Now is the moment of truth, Larvitar!” A green dinosaur-like creature appeared before Shelgon in a white burst of light, glaring down the Endurance Pokémon. The Pokémon kept his stare trained on Shelgon as he scratched his red chest and warmed up for the match.

    “Larvitar? Those are usually native to Johto, seeing one outside of its main region is pretty unlikely, and besides I was expecting to face off against a Dragon-type.”

    “I want to be a Dragon specialist, but at the same time Dragons are rare. It’s unrealistic to have nothing but Dragons.” Drayden explained, Larvitar moved his foot across the dirt like a bull Pokémon making ready to charge. “Larvitar might not be a Dragon-type but the species is draconic so that’s something to consider. He's no weakling.”

    “Well, let’s see if your words are true. Headbutt!”

    “Brace yourself and use Rock Smash!”

    Shelgon rushed Larvitar as the Rock Skin Pokémon pulled back a green fist, the creatures struck each other, engaged in a clash of physical strength. That same strength ripped both Pokémon apart violently. Ryuu decided to go for a more long-range attack this time.

    “Let’s use Flamethrower!” Shelgon spat a flurry of fire at Larvitar who steeled himself for the enviable hit, fortunately for him, Drayden was quick on the fly with a command.

    “Dig!” Larvitar drilled into the ground under him, completely evading the blaze, and appeared from under the earth near Shelgon with a vicious uppercut ready to strike. Drayden figured the underground offense would be the perfect answer to a slower Pokémon like Shelgon.

    “Iron Defense!” Shelgon glowed a silvery hue before taking on a more stoney texture, leaving the attack’s hit doing little more than nothing to Shelgon.

    “Offensive power may be the most popular when it comes to Dragons, but I think Defense gets the job done more efficiently.”

    ”Ryuu’s a defensive battler?" Drayden contemplated, his suspicions being confirmed. “Let’s use Dragon Dance!” Larvitar began to frantically move around in a rather peculiar pattern, the Rock Skin Pokémon notably had an increase in its muscle tone and size.

    “Power-raising move? How straight forward.”

    “Let’s try Stone Edge!” Larvitar jumped into the air as several rocks formed out of thin air around his body, like heat-seeking missiles each rock crashed into the slow Shelgon, who was pushed back by the Rock-type move. Shelgon made a small effort to dodge beforehand but was simply too burly a Pokémon to get away.

    “Not bad,” Ryuu complemented. “You might have done some damage, but we’ll be fine. Iron Defense, once more!”

    “Shellgonnn!” the Pokémon roared as its defensive capabilities were reinforced and strengthened, as evidenced by the more stony appearance of its body.

    “Headbutt!” Ryuu shrieked.

    “Dragon Dance, again! Then Rock Smash!” Larvitar once again raised his speed and offensive strength as he darted toward Shelgon and engaged in contact with the Endurance Pokémon, unlike before, Larvitar was slowly being overpowered and pushed back by the more rough-bodied opponent despite the smaller Pokémon digging in his heels to stay put.

    “You could power-up all you want, I’ll just answer with Iron Defense. Let’s finish it, Flamethrower at close range!” flames emanating from Shelgon's mouth were spat at Larvitar who had no time to get away and took the ferocious energy with bravery.

    “Larvitar, stay strong!”

    “While it is true Rock-types are good at sponging Fire-type moves, I think my Shelgon’s overall strength makes up for that. Send it flying with one powerful burst!”

    Larvitar was blasted away like a ragdoll. The Rock Skin Pokémon fell to a single knee as a blaring cry surfaced from the dinosaur-like Pokémon, having been engulfed in spontaneous flames out of the blue.

    “Burn?” Drayden commented, he knew burns had the effect of slowly chipping away at the opponent every once in awhile. It was having other effects on the Ground-type as a more aggressive expression and barbaric appearance took over the once calmer Pokémon. The creature’s body was bathed in a potent, red aura.

    “Larrrvviiiiiiii!” An ear-splitting roar surely woke-up Ryuu and any bystanders. .

    “Guts?!” Ryuu recognized the ability with ease.

    “It is Guts!” Larvitar seemed to feel rage at the burn inflicted upon him, he emanated a new found jolt of power. Ryuu was bent on not letting Drayden seize the opportunity to use the newly-spawned energy.

    “Shelgon, take it down with Headbutt before it lands an attack!”

    “Dig, quickly!” Larvitar burrowed underground, getting out of harm’s way before resurfacing and bolting toward Shelgon, a single kick sent the Endurance Pokémon rolling like a bowling ball.

    “No!” Ryuu screamed in horror as his rotund Dragon’s defenses were overcome by a simple hit. “Get it together and hit it with Flamethrower!”

    “Stone Edge!”

    Shelgon had stopped rolling by this point and conjured up another burst of flames for Larvitar, who sent a swarm of rocks through the Fire-type move with ease and impacted Shelgon hard, scoring a big hit and surely a large amount of damage in the process. The Endurance Pokémon could only stand for so long before collapsing like a brick house on the ground.

    “Good job, Larvitar.” Drayden exclaimed with a wholehearted smile as the Pokémon crossed his arms in superiority. Ryuu pointed a Poké Ball at Shelgon who was sucked back inside the portable capsule.

    “Amazing, though I had you in the palm of my hand until Guts activated. I won’t underestimate that Larvitar again, so I’ll pull out a big gun!” Drayden then remembered from Ryuu’s words that the battle was far from over, he had two more of Ryuu’s Pokémon to overcome if he truly wanted to call himself the winner.

    “I’ll be sticking with Larvitar, with Guts especially we have a huge chance at beating or seriously denting what comes next!” Drayden remarked.

    “Overconfidence.....” Ryuu replied and pulled out a blue Poké Bal,l two red marks on the top. Pressing a button to enlarge the sphere he shouted, “Come on out.”

    A ton of light exploded from the Poké Ball in an instant, transforming into a towering figure. The tan underbelly of the Pokémon was decorated with trillions of scales, the mostly blue body of the Pokémon swayed back and forth. The humongous serpentine Pokémon roared, more than ready to take on any opponent.

    Drayden couldn’t help but be slightly unnerved by the Atrocious Pokémon, especially since, as if to intimidate him further, the Dragon bared her fangs and solemnly licked its lips. The monstrosity in front of him was a more common Dragon that Drayden easily identified as a Gyarados.

    “You’re in a different ballpark, sure about sticking with Larvitar?” Ryuu taunted, Drayden knew Larvitar had a type disadvantage against the Water and Flying-type Pokémon, but the same could be said of Gyarados against Larvitar’s main Rock typing.

    Though Gyarados had the advantage of being a much larger opponent than Larvitar and fresher compared to the Rock Skin Pokémon who was somewhat tuckered out from the early bout against Shelgon. Drayden knew from his previous battle that Ryuu seemed to favor defense over straight-up power and speed but Gyarados seemed like a contradiction. Though he was gonna test that.

    “Okay, let’s go! Larvi-”

    “Larvi!” A shrill scream erupted from Larvitar as the Pokémon was surrounded by an outburst of fire. That reminded Drayden that he was under a timer when it came to using Larvitar, not only did the burns grant Larvitar serious power but it also ate away at the Pokémon’s health. Each of the burns would leave Larvitar worse for wear and certainly were going to add up.

    “A blessing and a curse isn’t it?” Ryuu threw his two cents in.

    “Use Stone Edge!” Drayden barked, Larvitar ran full-speed and jumped in the air as several powerful rocks formed around him and slammed into Gyarados’s face. The huge Pokémon cried out in pain, that attack only confirmed Drayden’s early notions that Ryuu’s Pokémon were made more for defense than evasion and speed in the way his were.

    Dodging for a large Pokémon like Gyarados would be hard anyway outside of water, she certainly wasn’t going anywhere. Drayden opted for another attack.

    “Stone Edge, again!” Ryuu screeched and pointed toward Gyarados.

    “Hydro Pump!”

    Gyarados blew through the rocks like nothing with a pump of water, the force smashed right into Larvitar who was free falling back to the ground. Larvitar did not get back up after the attack.

    “Things are even, nice job Gyarados.”

    The Rock Skin Pokémon lay on the ground before gaining his bearing and realizing he had lost the battle and hung his head in shame.

    “Don’t worry. You performed well Larvitar and fought courageously.” The boy returned Larvitar to his Poké Ball and Ryuu looked on questionably.

    “What was that about?”

    “Don't worry about that,” Drayden said sharply.

    “I see,” Ryuu analyzed the boy's tone. “Let’s move on.”

    The Unovan muttered to the defeated Pokémon’s ball, “You never felt like you could measure up to to them, this proved that you can.” Drayden pulled out another Poké Ball, this one containing a Dragon.

    “Now is the moment of truth, Druddigon!” Drayden attempted to match Gyarados with his biggest Pokémon, despite that they were nowhere even in size. The Cave Pokémon appeared in all its scale-covered glory and gave a bold menace at Gyarados, realizing his opponent was not something to underestimate. “Druddigon, let’s show Ryuu what strength is! Hit Gyarados with Dragon Rage!”

    “Dragon Rage as well,” Ryuu copied.

    Druddigon’s stomach seemed to take on a transparent hue as he charged and expelled a blast of energy from his mouth likewise the Gyarados who, with little effort, spat a sphere of crimson energy at the Cave Pokémon. Druddigon was quicker on the fly however and much stronger as Gyarados’s move was overpowered and the Atrocious Pokémon was struck.

    “I can tell this is gonna be a wild ride. Gyarados, Hydro Pump!”

    “Quickly Druddigon! Double Team!”

    As a familiar strike of water raced at Druddigon the Cave Pokémon made several copies of himself in time. The Hydro Pump hit one of the clones which caused it to disappear, though the other doppelgangers were actively keeping their eyes on Gyarados.

    “Enough of this! Blizzard!”

    “What?! Jump!” Drayden screamed in surprise.

    A internal-spawned blast of wind cleaned away all the fakes in mere seconds, leaving a small blanket of snow on the ground that melted almost instantly. The real Druddigon had leaped in the air to avoid the super effective move, an eager, somewhat sadistic grin from Gyarados told Drayden that Druddigon’s death warrant had been signed.

    “Finish with Dragon Tail.” The Gyarados’ tail came careening toward Druddigon, blindsiding the Cave Pokémon who smashed into the ground hard. Druddigon’s face looked shell shocked.

    “End this with Blizzard!”

    Gyarados purged another cruel, cold storm at the smaller adversary which not only knocked him out but fully froze the Cave Pokémon in a block of ice. Druddigon could not retaliate, let alone move.

    “Guess that’s it, Gyarados wins again.” Ryuu announced as Drayden returned Druddigon to his Poké Ball, still in awe of the sea serpent’s devastating power, it was going to take Drayden’s strongest to beat that thing. “I hope you realize why I’m one of the strongest villagers around, not to gloat but you’re going to have to come at me full force if you want to win.” Drayden realized it was going to take a fighter that could impose his pure will on Gyarados to win.

    “Gyaarrraa!” The beast roared in satisfaction.

    “What will your last Pokémon be?” Ryuu demanded.

    “My starter!" Drayden answered, "Fraxure, now is the moment of truth!” Drayden shouted his battle cry once more as the Tusk Pokémon appeared in front of the formidable beast. The experience Fraxure gained from training with Drayden since he was a wee Axew was more than enough to take on a Gyarados, Drayden had to remind himself this wasn’t just any Gyarados however.

    “Fraxure, it’s a very strong Pokémon, but any Pokémon is beatable! Don’t hold back, go all out!”

    “Let’s end this quickly with Hydro Pump,” Ryuu hollered.

    “Dodge it!” Fraxure evaded the blast of water in no time flat, a much more agile and faster Dragon than Druddigon was, this was what Gyarados was dealing with now. Drayden waited patiently as another fire of water jetted at Fraxure, his Pokémon could only dodge until Gyarados used a certain move.

    “Dragon Rage!” Ryuu got more conviction in his voice, as the same draconic energy flew at Fraxure who evaded once more. Gyarados was having a harder time nailing the much smaller, speedier target with a long-range attack. Ryuu opted for something a bit more accurate.

    “Dragon Tail!” Ryuu roared.

    “Catch that tail!” Drayden ordered Fraxure who stood his ground and tried to catch the violent tail, although he was successful, he skidded across the ground from the impact as he manhandled the gigantic attack. A stoic expression crossed Drayden’s face. “Counter!”

    Ryuu’s eyes bucked as Fraxure, veins popping, gave the tail a dynamic hurl toward the opposite direction, the Atrocious Pokémon was smacked cleanly in the face by its own tail causing the Gyarados to not only fall to the ground, but shriek in sheer agony. The results were clear to everyone as Ryuu returned the Atrocious Pokémon to her Poké Ball.

    “There’s no point in continuing Gyarados. You did a good job though.”

    “Nice job,” Drayden congratulated the Tusk Pokémon which made him hop up and down in joy like a giddy child. Either way Ryuu had Pokémon in possession with the manpower to put the powerful creature in its place. Fraxure’s confidence level rose slightly from being able to bring such a brute to its knees.

    “Good job Drayden, I have no doubt in my mind that Fraxure is strong. I mean using Counter which sends double the power of a physical attack back at the opponent? ” Ryuu fiddled in his pocket and pulled out a Poké Ball. “I think it’s time to really make you sweat, meet my ace. Dragonair, come on out!”

    Ryuu’s other serpent Pokémon made an appearance, Drayden steeled his demeanor as the Dragon Pokémon gave off a sense of superiority over the other middle-staged Dragon Pokémon in front of him. Fraxure and Drayden knew this was going to be no easy task, nor would it be like the previous battles that just occurred. Fraxure wasn’t fresh after being forced to take a Dragon Tail from Gyarados. It was going to be close so they had to take Dragonair down quick.

    “Start strong, Dual Chop!” Fraxure took off like a bottle rocket toward the serpent with both arms ready, Ryuu didn't order any evasive tactic nor attack, instead letting Dragonair get pummeled by the multi-hit move.

    Drayden simply took this lack of action as a sign of a slowness on Dragonair’s part, given Shelgon and Gyarados’s emphasis on bulk rather than speed, though Dragonair as a species weren’t nearly as slow as Gyarados or Shelgon.

    The elder trainer waved his hand, causing Dragonair to spit a stream of fire at the Tusk Pokémon, who suffered the cost of Drayden’s unawareness.

    “Fraxure!” Drayden cried out as if it was going to make a difference.

    “Speaking isn’t the only way to command a Pokémon. Some more advanced and experienced trainers will opt to use hand signals to command a Pokémon, there are even strong trainers who can connect with their Pokémon mentally and order attacks in that way.”

    Drayden was less than stellar at being lectured, but he knew in Ryuu’s words there was some knowledge, he wouldn’t make the mistake again. An idea popped into his head while his Fraxure was still within range of Dragonair.

    “Assurance!” Fraxure hopped near Dragonair’s face and gave him a swift kick to the cheek, the power of the Dark-type move got results as Dragonair cried out in pain. The Tusk Pokémon darted after striking his Dragon brethren. With Fraxure in-range of the serpent, it was practically begging to be attacked though.

    “Thunder,” Ryuu exclaimed as the bolt of lightning made a jagged path toward Fraxure.

    “Evade it!” Fraxure turned his head while running and sidestepped the electricity just in time, Drayden still didn’t understand why Dragonair was remaining stationary, though he was focused on his own Pokémon for the most part.

    “Flamethrower!” A blaze propelled at Fraxure, who instinctively dodged, knowing that’s what his trainer would have wanted, that small action elicited a smile from Drayden. When faced with an opponent like Dragonair speed would be key as well as the agility that Fraxure possessed. Ryuu decided to make Dragonair mobile.

    “Dragonair, go after Fraxure, get close and use Thunder!” The basilisk slithered at Fraxure in a vain attempt to catch him.

    “Dodge it, again!” The Tusk Pokémon somersaulted over the snake-like Dragon with ease. As Fraxure came free falling down Drayden had an idea. “Drop a Dragon Pulse!” Fraxure conjured a sphere of concentrated power and chucked the ball down on Dragonair, a small explosion ensued. “Dual Chop!” two powerful super-effective strikes to the noggin left the serpent howling in pain as Fraxure gracefully landed on the ground in a fancy pose.

    “Job well done Fraxure!” The boy thanked his Pokémon after his success with the continuous doubly strong attacks.

    “Indeed gravity seems to have been your friend in that instance and that was a nice job of linking up super effective attacks.” Ryuu was a good sport, but he knew that if Fraxure kept that up Dragonair was going to be history and that was apparent by the faltering reptile’s breathing pattern. Luckily for him, he had a strategy planned for this exact situation. “Rest!”

    “What?!” is all Drayden could say as he knew that move would undo every bit of damage Fraxure had dealt. The serpent simply closed his eyes and fell into a quick sleep, both males watched as Dragonair’s body seemed to begin its journey on the road to recovery in near microscopic time.

    “You still left yourself wide-open! Fraxure, finish Dragonair!” Fraxure made ready to attack until Ryuu interrupted.

    “That won’t work. Dragonair has an ability called ‘Marvel Scale,’ in times of turmoil within Dragonair's body its instantly ups his defensive capabilities. By turmoil I meant specifically things like status effects. You won’t scratch Dragonair.” Ryuu explained. “It’s a rare ability for a Dragonair to possess, but an amazing one. When Dragonair evolves, he’ll gain an even more rarer ability believe it or not.”

    “I don’t care!” Drayden shouted, Ryuu winced at the desperation that seethed from Drayden. “Dual Chop!” Fraxure was more than happy to comply as he sent both arms into Dragonair’s marvelous body rapidly.

    “See, it doesn’t do anythi-WHAT!” Ryuu watched as Dragonair was dented and bruised by the powerful blows.

    “You said before you’ve never battled a member of the Fraxure line, mine has an ability called ‘Mold Breaker’ meaning it can nullify the abilities of other Pokémon.” Drayden stated, Ryuu simply assumed the words before were pointless noise rather than having any true basis behind them. Ryuu watched as his guardian was beaten to pulp in his healing slumber.

    “Dragon Pulse!” Drayden continued to have the Tusk Pokémon land severe hits. Ryuu could only watch in a sense of forlorn. After a few more brutal moves, reality brought an even more battered Dragonair back into the world.

    Ryuu’s cautious state subsided somewhat, he was surprised to see his infamous ‘Rest + Marvel Scale’ combination fail him. Usually Dragonair was able to recover and wake up and would have regenerated more of his energy than his opponent would have dealt, effectively stalling his opponent out and being able to finish the more worn-out adversary with a few attacks.

    Ryuu had to defeat Fraxure then and there while he was close, he decided to call upon his Dragonair’s strongest move to get the job done.

    “Outrage!” Ryuu wailed, Drayden cringed at the mere mention of the move, knowing its destructive potential. The adolescent glared to his Fraxure as an out-of-control, demonic, red-eyed Dragonair charged the Tusk Pokémon.

    “You have to knock it out with Dual Chop before it lands a hit!” Fraxure got close, a fight of pure close combat began as Fraxure bobbed and weaved between each strike from Dragonair’s tail and smacked his opponent in an attempt to answer each hit he received. Both trainers encouraged their Pokémon as they shouted cheers at the top of their lungs.

    Fraxure fell face first to evade a strong jab from Dragonair’s menacing appendage, the Dragon Pokémon tried for another hit but Fraxure managed to roll out of harm’s way just in time. The Tusk Pokémon delivered one vicious punch to the snake Dragon’s stomach, but he was left wide open from a dazing headbutt in the meantime. Finally, after that hit the battle had reached its climax.

    “It’s over!” They both screamed simultaneously as their Pokémon landed lethal blows on each other. With thunderous swings, the match had been decided as both Pokémon had fallen, Dragonair looking extremely dazed.

    “A tie!” Ryuu said the obvious result aloud. The young adult had to snap himself back into reality as Drayden walked over to Fraxure and congratulated the Pokémon. Drayden enjoyed himself and Ryuu couldn’t believe he had tied against a kid from Unova and his Fraxure, only a strong trainer could give him a run for his money in that way. It was an amazing battle for both sides regardless.

    “You take a break for now, I bet you’re tired, still that was pretty impressive.” Drayden returned him to his Poké Ball, Ryuu did the same with Dragonair. Ryuu turned around to see some people coming over to congratulate him, he then looked around and took notice that the small group of people that were watching his battle had morphed in a sizable crowd. He sighed as Ryuu bashfully accepted the praises of the bystanders.

    “Drayden, that was a great match. You and your Fraxure worked hard and showed just how strong you are, against my Dragonair no-less.”

    “I probably would have lost if I......” Ryuu reworked his sentence, “Fraxure hadn’t brought down Gyarados with Counter.” Drayden sentimentally looked at his Fraxure’s Poké Ball.

    “So, why exactly do you battle besides having a lot of pride in your Dragons?” Ryuu asked the somewhat out-of-nowhere question.

    “I battle with purpose for the sake of development, for me and my Pokémon to be successes.” Drayden couldn’t resist the urge to smile weakly as he and Ryuu walked away. Just then he felt the Poké Ball in his pocket wiggle and wobble, Fraxure independently appeared in front of both guys, holding his knee in pain and slightly teary-eyed.

    “Looks like a minor knee injury, probably from our battle. I got a quick-fix for that though.” Ryuu pulled a leaf out of his pouch and popped it into his mouth, chewing it until it was a green, gooey texture. He bent down and applied the disgusting-looking substance to the Tusk Pokémon’s knee. “There, should be better in no time. I’ve been meaning to try out these plants. They’re herbs for sprains that really benefit scale-covered creatures.”

    “Thank you, Ryuu,” Drayden said as Fraxure climbed onto his back, he carried the injured Pokémon in piggyback style.

    “So, you can baby your Pokémon when you want to? That's pretty caring in itself....” Ryuu grinned, much to Drayden’s embarrassment. “And you’re welcome. Maybe one day you can repay the favor?” The young man said jokingly. The day died down as Ryuu and Drayden went to talk to the crowd of fans that spectated their battle, Drayden was going to be something strong someday and Ryuu could tell. Perhaps even stronger than him one day. The two continued to get congratulatory praise from the crowd.

    “Hey, Drayden, by the way, how old are you?”

    “I’m fifteen right now.”

    “So, back when you were little Poké Balls didn’t exist. Your Fraxure has stuck by your side since?”

    “Since I was young, like you said.”

    “I guess that shows your Fraxure truly loves and respects you, interesting!” Ryuu yawned loudly as he finished his sentence.

    “What are you gonna do now?” Drayden asked.

    “I want to go relax,” The older trainer stated flatly while rubbing his eyes.

    -:-

    A light tap on the shoulder awoke Ryuu from his nap as he looked up to his daughter. He was less on edge about everything, he was a bit sweaty though. His aged eyes stared into his daughter’s as he realized he had to have been asleep for a few hours.

    “Are you feeling better dad?” Mira asked with watered eyes, crying while he was asleep no doubt.

    “I’m fine Mira, just fine. Trust me, Iris will be saved. She’ll be okay,” Ryuu assured Mira as he got up to change into cleaner clothes.

    “Please....” Mira said as she tried to fight more tears.

    “Drayden will come...” Ryuu hugged Mira, not realizing just how wrong he was.

    -:-

    “Huuuuhhuuh,” Iris breathed heavily in the tree, she had done it, she had finally found those vile poachers and was looming near their campsite, Swablu stayed right near her. She spied the truck containing the purloined Dragon Pokémon from a distance. This was it, it now or never. She had to make her move.

    “I promised, I’d rescue you,” she chimed to herself.

    “Swablu,” the Pokémon cooed as he quietly patted Iris in apprehension.

    “No need to worry, I’ll be careful!” Iris gave Swablu an affirming thumbs up as she directed her gaze at the campsite once more.

    Guarding the cage was none other than the poacher from before, Tommy.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  10. Chapter

    Chapter hello, im back sorta

    hey. Challenged to review chapter one.
    First sentence. @the bold, the comma should be a period or semi-colin.
    Capitalized "Type"
    But not here. This happens many times.
    I love this. Very good description. Make sure to describe how everything is effected. (Being slightly hypocritical. LOL)
    That's the kind of description that is perfect.
    @bold, the comma should be either a "comma+and" or a "!".

    I like this story a lot. Good luck with it! And make sure to read my challenge on that game! Don't want to be on PM list.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2013
  11. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    Hey there, thanks for reviewing. Not that I dislike this review or anything, but it was extremely, extremely short and I was hoping for an in-depth review. Something that would help improve my own skills by quite a bit, regardless thank you for taking the time to read my story. "Type" is capitalized in those quotes because it's pointing out a specific name and not calling it something like "Fire-type." Thank you for catching the comma error however. Sure I'll add you to the PM list, glad you like it. And, no, that description is pretty lukewarm looking back on it. It's not really anything well done and a bit too wordy and repetitive.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2013
  12. The Great Butler

    The Great Butler Hush, keep it down

    I'm here both by request and as part of the Review Game.

    An interesting opening that drew me in right away. However, there are some issues.

    There should be a period, not a comma, between "shambles" and "the man," thus dividing those parts into two sentences. "The item he so desperately pursued" should be reworded to sound better; I think something like "He desperately pursued the guide, knowing that it, as well as the person it would lead to, might ultimately end up being Iris's salvation."

    The first sentence here is a bit of a run-on with a lot of thoughts going on at once. It would be well served if you broke it up into smaller portions.

    That said, the second sentence is excellent, not only because it's structured well but also because it gives a great look inside Ryuu's mind at this point.

    I think one thing you could learn to do a little better is using commas wisely. Allow me to rewrite this quote:

    "He thought back several times to the day's incident and replayed the same thing in his head. The poachers were ruthless to say the least.

    "I found the map!" Mira yelled, much to the surprise of Ryuu. His daughter handed him the raggedy paper, and he hastily grabbed a Poké Ball. After he enlarged and tossed it, a bang of energy flooded from the capsule and Dragonite appeared. Ryuu held out the map."

    Don't you think that sounds quite a bit better?

    I find this quote to be a little difficult to understand because of the wording, but I'm not sure entirely what advice to give you on this specific one. I like what I think it means, but I really believe that it would be better to be more specific.

    Now this, on the other hand, is really cool. Just change the period after "speed" to a comma and add "at" between "flying" and "what."

    So many things I like here. The description of Ryuu's emotions and thoughts is quite vivid, making it easy for the reader to relate to him. His relationship with Iris is conveyed to a satisfactory level as well, even as she isn't present currently. (I should mention that he has a good, well-written relationship with Mira as well, judging from what we've seen so far.) The tension going through his mind is conveyed quite well, so I'm definitely on the level of feeling his worry over Iris, for example.

    You can drop that comma after "called," but wow, that was a nice dose of beautiful description right there. The little bit about "Dragon Hell" was a nice touch.

    Probably should fix that "hair blond-hair" thing. Just needs to be "blonde hair."

    I get what you're describing here - Dragonair - but the way the description is being delivered is a bit awkward. Some of these details don't really need to be mentioned at all. Either that, or they could be folded into later descriptions of Dragonair's actions so it doesn't feel like a text dump.

    That battle was pretty decently written (despite continuing comma problems, such as in "the Dragon slowly opened his eyes and yawned, his trainer flicked his hand carelessly," where that comma in the middle has to go) and it provides a potentially curious way of telling the story. Depends on who the person Ryuu is battling against is.

    That that claim is the last thing this guy tells Ryuu before leaving is very interesting; I'm certainly curious to know who it is and what his deal is. Good job getting me drawn into interest in him.

    I'm a sucker for detailed looks at the day-to-day lives of characters, so this is right up my alley. You aren't using many words here, but the words you are using are very effective, so I can still see everything quite clearly. Ryuu's day-to-day routine feels familiar to me based just on this passage.

    One tip: "While searching, none of the plants gained his interest, so he looked a bit harder" would sound and look better.

    Just a little reminder that's very easy to forget: "an usual" is actually incorrect, it should be "a usual." This is because "usual" has a Y sound when it is pronounced.

    Another interesting character, this boy. I notice some similarities to Drayden; could that be significant?

    An amusing exchange. I already like how these two interact.

    Ah, so it is Drayden. I had suspected that this was a flashback already, so I suppose this confirms that too. Ought to be interesting to see how Drayden was when he was younger.

    The commas are pretty major here. Let me rebuild the line:

    "You mean like those right there," Drayden said as he pointed to a nearby tree. Ryuu took notice to the unfamiliar accent of the boy."

    I also wonder why Ryuu's mental narration is pointing out Drayden's accent here of all places?

    I'm liking the budding friendship that's already developing between Ryuu and Drayden. That's something you're doing right very often: making your characters have enjoyable, pleasant personalities and interactions.

    Repeating what I said above, I just love how Ryuu and Drayden are getting along.

    Now this raises a curious point in my mind. What exactly happened to cause the wild dragon population to decrease? That's something I want to know more about.

    Also, the idea of the village having population issues because so many people leave to start their journeys is an interesting idea. I'd like to see it expanded upon.

    Oh, that's right, the Village of Dragons is outside Unova. I often forget that.

    I honestly cannot say enough about how much I like the relationship between Ryuu and Drayden. It just feels so natural, like a real friendship.

    I knew there would be a battle challenge in there somewhere.

    Made it to the Village of Dragons.

    The adoration he receives adds an interesting dimension to Ryuu's character. He is very humble for someone who has such popularity.

    What exactly is Drayden concurring with? I'm a little confused there.

    Liked the bit with the grass, though.

    "Its" should be "It's" and the ending should have ellipses ("case...") and then close the quotes that started the line.

    You could probably drop or at least reword the "looked-to-be-scarred" part, because it's too wordy.

    Some interesting philosophy on Drayden's part. It'll be interesting to see how he acts when he reunites with Ryuu in the present.

    "...pulled back a green fist, and the creatures struck each other, engaged in a clash of physical strength."

    Who is figuring that the underground offense would be the perfect answer to a slower Pokemon like Shelgon?

    Also, you can drop "more" from "more slower."

    I don't understand what a "rather orphic fashion" is. Can you explain, please?

    Again, drop "more" from "more slower." Words such as "slower" do not need "more" added to them because they already communicate its meaning by default.

    "A feisty element" is certainly a different way to describe fire.

    Something about these lines feels a little off, but I can't think of precisely how it should be worded.

    That was a good bit of action, though I'm not sure how the kick was "demeaning."

    Good, good. This part is working well. Their interactions continue to be entertaining.

    There needs to be a "but" between "speed" and "Gyarados" instead of a comma.

    "two cents."

    That's a really great line on Ryuu's part, though.

    Well, that went as expected. I didn't think Larvitar would be able to put up that much of a fight.

    Add an "and" between "Ball," and "Ryuu."

    Nice touch.

    Comma after "ball."

    Isn't Dragon Rage usually always the same strength?

    That was a good shot of action. I could visualize it well.

    "this was what Gyarados was dealing with now." "is" communicates the wrong tense.

    That was pretty surprising.

    Just go with "previous battles." "Very" isn't needed.

    Comma between "speed" and "though."

    Ooh, good move there. Assurance was something I didn't expect.

    I like the variety of moves Dragonair has.

    The "is" on the last line should be lower-case, as it's still continuing the sentence that began with the quote.

    There needs to be a comma after "Fraxure" and before "finish."

    You definitely did your research. Excellent work with the abilities.

    Now that was very exciting. An excellent end to the battle.

    "out of nowhere."

    That was a very original bit of medicine. I like it.

    Nice little touch of characterization at the end here.

    Ooh, a cliffhanger here. Now I'm really intrigued.

    "I promise, I'll rescue you," she chimed to herself.

    And an even bigger cliffhanger. Great choice for a chapter ending!

    Summing up:

    Characters: The characters, in particular Ryuu and Drayden, are fleshed out very nicely. They have a very believable, genuine interaction, and many parts of their friendship made me smile. It was an effective backstory for the two of them that you provided, also.

    Spelling/grammar: Spelling is fine, but the grammar is probably the weakest point of this strong chapter. In particular, the comma use or non-use issue presents a big blocking point. I've pointed out a number of places in the chapter where you could improve, but to really learn about this, I'd recommend you get a beta reader.

    Scene: Let me pick out what I liked the most - the battle. Even with some grammatical stumbling blocks, you really put together a well-researched battle. The action was easily visualized, not to mention that some of the things you thought to put in, like the abilities, were a very pleasant surprise.

    Ending: I have to give you a thumbs-up on this as well. Returning to Iris was a wise idea after the chapter mainly focusing on Ryuu and Drayden, and what you chose to depict - her discovery of the poachers - was also a good choice. You stopped at just the right point to create a cliffhanger that left me wanting to read more.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2013
  13. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    I understand what you're saying, intermixing description in with usual actions flows more nicely. I don't know how I let that slip by but that was a major dent in my armor previously before writing this fic. Though thank you for pointing that out.


    Never knew that, thank you for telling me. This is a mistake I'll have to watch out for in the future.

    Hum....mental narration pointing out Drayden's accent? I never saw a problem with that, I'm curious to hear why that's a problem specifically.


    That's relieving, I thought their friendship might have come off as a bit too cookie-cutter.
    That's actually going to be expanded upon in a later chapter.
    That too :p

    Me as well, I think that comes from the anime's influence.

    Comes off as a bit flowery, doesn't it?
    Yeah, same strength for the same Pokemon to conjure so to speak. For example a Gyarados's Dragon Rage would be larger than a Druddigon's due to the monstrous difference in size.

    Indeed, I've never been very impressive or perfect when it comes to commas which are my main blocking point. Though I'm trying to improve upon that and have done my best to clean everything up in past chapters. I've also rectified every grammatical errors you pointed out for me, so thank you for that.
    Battles have never been my expertise so that's nice to hear, I honestly think my battles in terms of pacing and description leave a little bit more to be desired.

    And thank you!


    Thanks very much for the review! I really do appreciate the quality critique, it lets me know what I really need to work on and what I'm doing decently/good.
     
  14. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    A/N:Huh, now look at that. Quick update was quick for once, well at least my definition of quick. Managing to get this mama out after posting the last chapter two weeks ago feels good, though it probably helps I had already written this chapter before releasing chapter two and I've mostly been cleaning things up for about a week before actually releasing this. After this chapter Drayden will finally appear in the story, which is good. Yes, this chapter gets a bit graphic at some points so I figured I should point that out since I've never written very violent scenes in any of my fanfics so that was new. Big events happen after this chapter just to let you know and it also establishes a critical moment in Iris's character.

    I also wanna say I'm very thankful for all reviews, comments, PMs, and compliments I've received about this fic. thus far. Nice to see people are enjoying it. Don't be afraid to drop a review or throw a little critique my way, I'm appreciative of both! Enough blabbering, here's chapter three!

    Chapter 3 Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Cage!

    The night was pitch black, the darkness surely would have enveloped the forest if not for the stars above that broke through the blackness. Iris was gazing from the tree down on the poachers’ campsite, she got a nice aerial view of everything around the area. Standing next to her, technically flapping, was a small white-and-blue bird Pokemon. He attempted to communicate, using gestures, over their current situation.

    “I can sneak over there, I just gotta be careful,” Iris whispered only for the Swablu to over dramatically gulp.

    The only thing standing in front of her was that incompetent poacher watching over the beasts, she was hesitant and had no one there to confide her feelings to.

    “He can’t be too dangerous,” Iris assured herself, “I mean did you see him today?”

    “Swa,” the Cotton Bird Pokémon replied in a supportive fashion.

    “I’m glad to have you here,” Iris exclaimed, giving a half-hearted smile.

    “Swablublu,” the Pokémon hugged her arm.

    “We still gotta figure out what to do though when we make it over there, maybe you could do something to distract him?”

    “Swaswaswa,” the tiny avian was definitely up to the challenge. It was going to be a critical move for them both, Swablu had been around Iris enough to realize that the girl could be quite the troublesome child and very impulsive. When she was determined to get the job done she truly was dead-set on her endeavor and usually clung to it like a maniac until she got a satisfactory result.

    “You can put him to sleep right?”

    “Swablu!”

    “Great, fly over there and put him to sleep and I’ll sneak over and free the Dragons. It’ll be easy,” Iris said confident in her plan, Swablu was still wary of the idea though given it seemed like it would work in Iris’s head. Actually executing it would be a whole different story however.

    Both glared at each other momentarily as Iris nodded and the Flying-type took off en route to the cage. On the trip there he flew over various tents that littered the land below. That reminded him once again he knew the minute he came with Iris that even trying to free the Dragons would be a risky move to make. Though he once again remembered how firm the young girl was in her convictions. As the bird came within range of the poacher, he noticed the man almost seemed to be nodding off into a sleep on his own and was barely being kept from falling into a slumber by a red, furry puppy that had its body decorated with black strips.

    “Growlgrowl!” The dog barked at Tommy as he let out a yawn.

    “Sorry girl, I’m glad you’re looking out for me though. I really need to turn in for the night....”
    Growlithe sympathetically came over and rubbed her body against Tommy’s leg. The man, fueled by the care of his Pokémon, continued to stay conscious.

    “I swear to God the money better be worth it.” Much to the surprise of Tommy, two small, beady, black eyes greeted him.

    “Grrrrrr,” Growlithe growled in an aggressive stance that suggested she saw Swablu as a threat.

    “Chill, it’s just a Swablu,” Tommy said calmly. Unknown to the Growlithe and Tommy Iris had made her way over to a tree right behind the caged-truck. “So, where did you come from?” Tommy asked with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

    “Now,” Iris gave the cue through her cupped hands that formed a false megaphone.

    “Okay, well you gotta g-”

    “Swaalalalala,” the man was interrupted by a flow of sound that poured from Swablu’s beak. Tommy and his canine were entranced by the sweet music in mere seconds, though Growlithe fought to stay awake her body betrayed her. The young adult had slumped to the ground quietly like a toddler.

    “Yes! Nice job!” Iris congratulated Swablu upon climbing down from the tree. As far as the plan went Swablu had successfully taken the poacher out of play. Iris went over and peered into the cage that housed the kidnapped reptiles. A sickening scent immediately attacked her nose before she even saw what she was looking at.

    The stint of blood, the blood that belonged to the Druddigon wrapped together with her mate. The same Pokémon Baron had whipped prior to stealing.

    “Druddigon,” Iris murmured as Swablu cooed. “Are you alright?” The girl naively asked, knowing the Pokémon were most certainly not okay, though she still felt the urge to ask.

    “Swa.”

    “Druddigon?” Iris reached her arm between the bars enough to stroke the body of the bloody Cave Pokémon who sniffed at the air curiously, confirming to herself that the presence was of someone from the Dragon Village. Inching in a little closer Iris managed to feel the Pokémon’s chest and could sense her vibrant heartbeat. “Please speak to me...” Iris got a little louder, her voice reflective of her concern.

    “Druddi,” the Pokémon whined. The other Druddigon managed to get up and walk toward the cage and meet eyes with Iris, seemingly connecting with the young girl on a very emotional level.

    “So, you can walk but your friend doesn't seem too okay.”

    “Druddigon,” The red-and-blue Pokémon confirmed with a soft sigh.

    “It’s okay, I’m gonna help you all. Swablu, we have to get this cage open,” Iris called out. Inside the cage, besides the two Druddigon, were a Vibrava, a Dragon-type that resembled a dragonfly, a Shelgon, a Charmeleon, and lastly was a rather large creature. It was mostly dark in appearance, it appeared to be sleeping, breathing in deep, long intervals of heavy breaths.

    ”What’s that?”

    “Swaswaswa,” the Pokémon gestured in a questioning manner, he was just as clueless on the species.

    “Let’s just try to get it open,” Iris took her focus off the mystery monster.

    “I think not little girl...” That voice, she turned around and met eyes with Baron. She could smell the thick scent of cologne as he walked closer, the young girl shot a leer right at him with no fear of making eye-contact. All Iris saw was a worthless, sadistic, thief strolling toward her. After all she had gone through he wasn't going to come out without wounds.

    “You monster! Fury Attack!” The Cotton Bird Pokémon violently attacked Baron as if he was channeling Iris’s anger through his own body.

    “****! Stop it!” Baron swatted at the Pokémon who kept unleashing a barrage of furious pecks upon him.

    “Serves you right!” Iris ran over to the cage and screamed, “Everyone! You have to break this cage, somehow, there’s no time for me to free you!” Some of the creatures responded, others simply didn’t, which was a sure fire sign of their broken spirits. Almost as if they had accepted their awful fates. The determined child found a nicely sized rock on the ground and began to beat at the lock with all her might. “I’m gonna get you all out!”

    “Swablublublu!” The Pokémon had done a nice job of keeping Baron contained in one spot as his sharp beak continued to stab Baron’s skin. Small bloody spots had punctured from the repeated wear and tear. Baron grabbed for a Poké Ball in his pocket while trying to shield his face from the angry bird’s onslaught.

    “Weavile, kill that useless thing!” The Sharp Claw Pokémon appeared from the white-and-red sphere, clearly still tired from the earlier duel with Dragonite. Nonetheless the Ice-type separated Swablu from Baron with a quick rush which forced the bird to the ground hard.

    Iris was still working on the lock which was nowhere near as deterred as it was when she started from the repeated hits with the stone, she turned her head to see Swablu evading a crystal-looking blast from Weavile. Her heart immediately started racing.

    “Swablu, I’m coming!” Iris jumped away from the gate to run over to the Cotton Bird Pokémon who had landed near her. She stood in front of the cage watching and analyzing the battle as both Pokémon moved around with vibrancy, she felt the need to stay near Swablu. A lime-green orb of energy formed and was tossed at the Sharp Claw Pokémon by Swablu.

    “Ice Shard,” Baron responded, Weavile barreled a chunk of ice that met the Dragon-type move halfway to form a small explosion of light. “How weak, keep up the Ice Shard. Get rid of that little pest!”

    Weavile unleashed a barrage of icy fragments that Swablu evaded, a few of the wayward shards had shattered against the cage. From that racket that caused the cage to ring with sound, the shadowed creature finally moved, shuddering in its lethargic state.

    “It’s waking up,” Iris looked at the two Druddigon from in the prison who didn't know who the darkened cellmate was, neither did the other Dragons.

    “Ice Shard!” More cold stones crashed into the mobile confinement, creating even more boisterous rounding that resonated throughout the cage. Like before the resting creature was clearly getting more unnerved as it tossed and turned.

    ”Maybe, just maybe. That Dragon could be strong enough to break free and save the day!”

    "Swaaa."

    “Hey, Swablu, in front of the cage, over here!

    “She’s playing with me,” Baron had an increasing feeling of irritation gradually creep up on him. “Weavile, for the last time, hit that little annoyance!”

    Weavile created the biggest piece of ice yet, being nearly the size of a boulder, the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type. It was promptly evaded and slammed the jail hard, creating the most intense eruption of crying from the metal it impacted against. That was the last straw.

    The titan had awoken.

    “Raaawwwwwrrrrr!”

    A piercing screech from behind the young lady literally could have broken her eardrums. Iris turned quickly to see the dark figure rising to the roof of the cage, she was elated to see it had come to life. Baron’s blood had gone cold when he saw the hellish faces of the creature.

    Two small heads functioned as hands for the Dragon as well as a main head in the middle that was dark-blue with demonic, fuchsia eyes. Two useless legs limped in the air as the draconian, pitch-black wings gave the Pokémon the ability of flight.

    “Rawwwrrrr!” The monster’s voice blasted from all three heads which made Baron jump and surely awoke the other sleeping poachers.

    “You little *****! Look what you’ve caused!” Baron’s eyes were bullets trained on Iris, though Iris’s attention was registered completely on the Brutal Pokémon before her. She had never seen one of those before. The child was engrossed as she watched the creature writhe around the closed space, firing a blaze in all directions.

    Unfortunately, a few of the other Dragons were almost hit by the attack. The male Druddigon did his best to shield his female counterpart from the fire, especially in her already severely pained state. Shelgon put up a barrier that they all gathered near that managed to keep them all guarded from the flames.

    “Swabluuuuu!” Meanwhile, still tangoing with Weavile, the Cotton Bird Pokémon came drilling down with his beak having grown little over half a foot long. The Ice-type was dive bombed in the same manner as he was when defeated by Dragonite.

    “Losing to the old bag and being beaten by a Pokémon that’s not even close to your speed?! ****! Why are you so useless!?” Weavile tried to not be fazed by the insult and conjured more Ice Shards which did not hit their mark. Swablu’s ability of flight combined with fatigue from battling Dragonite made such a task especially difficult.

    The Ice-type moves jetted through the air, each being dodged and hammering the cage which elicited more anger from the Dragon called “Hydreigon.” Iris had broken from her study when a blast of fire came close to hitting her.

    “Raawwwwrr!” The Pokémon’s eyes turned a bloody red as its whole body seemed to emit a ruby aura, this gave an even more terrifying appearance to the Pokémon who started attacking the cage head on and thrashing at it unrelentingly. Each ringing of the cage in-sync with Baron’s fearful heartbeats, before long bars were down, freeing the raging atrocity as well as nearly every other Dragon who saw a chance at freedom and took it with no hesitation. Only two remained, the male Druddigon was doing his best to steadily help his hurt mate toward freedom.

    “Swablu! Give me a hand!” Iris bellowed for her little friend who had no problem following orders. The Brutal Pokémon sent a chain of flames at Weavile from all three heads which enveloped the Pokemon’s whole body, the Ice-type immediately fell to the ground in a near-death state.

    “I caught you once and I can do it again!” Baron pulled out a black-and-yellow Poké Ball. Before running away Iris feared for the Brutal Pokemon’s safety and tried to give a message to flee.

    “You have to run! You’re free now!” Iris’s words fell on deaf ears as the Hydreigon ejected another shower of fire in a random area, “Why aren’t you listening, you have to run! You! Have! To! Run!” Iris shouted at the furious brute, taking deep breaths between each word.

    “After I contain it, you’re next, brat. You seriously don’t think I’m going to let you get away with losing my profit?” Iris’s previous boiling nature resurfaced, she had nearly forgotten about the leader of the gang. “So, you think you’re hot **** because that squirt was outclassing Weavile? Abomasnow, get its attention!”

    From the Ultra Ball came a creature covered in thick, chalky fur. It charged a mass of ice in its green hands, pitching it directly at Hydreigon who was knocked cleanly by the move in its enraged state.

    “He doesn't belong to you!”

    “Is that so? If I catch it, like any other person would, it technically belongs to me. Besides, who are you to tell me what and what I don’t own? Don’t worry, you’ll learn your place when I catch it again.” A sadistic grin formed around his face as Hydreigon approached.

    “Swabluuu,” he insinuated worriedly to Iris.

    “Escape? But, what about him?” Iris sympathetically looked at Hydreigon. “Well, I can at least help the Druddigon escape.”

    Meanwhile, now coming to his senses was Tommy who rubbed his head and felt soft debris on his body.

    “What’s going on...?” He examined himself and Growlithe as he heard the ruckus and saw Baron’s Abomasnow engaged with a Hydreigon. He looked to his left to see Iris helping the Druddigon duo flee the scene by entering the thickness of the forest.

    “Come on, you’ll be okay!” Iris had the female Druddigon’s right arm wrapped around her shoulder. “You two can get away while he’s busy!” Iris felt Tommy’s stare trained on her, she glanced to the left and looked right into his eyes. Tommy did not say anything, Iris did not speak either. Her eyes were a mirror that told an infuriated story of passion, those eyes were ones he would never forget.

    The eyes of angry compassion like the rage of a Dragon itself. With Growlithe in-tow he ran away from the area as hastily as he could. Swablu kept a watching eye on the bout between the two fully-evolved Pokemon.

    Neither side looked like they were going to give in, however in the blink of an eye, Hydreigon spat a Flamethrower that ripped through Abomasnow’s fur. Doing its best to keep itself together, the Frost Tree Pokémon blew a very chilly wind that the Brutal Pokémon evaded with ease.

    The Dragon swooped down in a flash and bared its fangs, biting down unrelentingly on Abomasnow’s arm. The Ice-type cried out for the simple freedom from the bite however Hydreigon got more agitated and forced its teeth deeper into the Frost Tree Pokémon’s flesh.

    Blood gradually began to spill from the wound, all Abomasnow did was struggle helplessly, Hydreigon let go only after its enemy had fallen unconscious. Another near-death state that the very Brutal Pokémon had forced upon one of Baron’s.

    “This **** isn’t worth it!” Baron returned his Grass-type, most of the other poachers had gotten the right idea and already fled the scene after waking up. “Fearow, abort!”

    The bird with a massive beak appeared from a Poké Ball, he boarded it in an attempt to escape. Despite nearly being blasted out of the air by Flamethrowers from Hydreigon he had gotten away. Meanwhile, Iris and the Druddigon had covered half a mile.

    “This is far enough, you two go. I have to go help Swablu and that other Dragon somehow.”

    “Drudd,” the male nodded as him and the female continued the trek toward the Dragon Village.

    “Raawwwwrr!” The Brutal Pokémon continued to fly around, spitting more flames at everything and anything in its path. Many forest Pokémon had ran away from the area due to the dangerous situation as well as the unearthly noise that belonged to Hydreigon. Iris made it back to the poachers’ site running full speed, she was glad to see them gone.

    “Thank you! You scared them away, now’s let g-” A trail of flames shot near her, nearly setting the tree next to her on fire.

    “Swabluuu,” the Pokémon frantically flew back toward Iris, struggling to stay mobile. The feathers on his body were charred, the fire had only grazed him but had done a significant amount of damage while he tried to put the creature to sleep. She caught the small bird and held him in her arms.

    Iris looked down at Swablu's burnt feathers, and Swablu couldn't help but feel bad over the tears Iris was about to shed.

    “Rawwwwwrrr!” The blustering cry from the fully-evolved Dragon was a sign of attack as it expelled another burst of fire toward Swablu and Iris but the girl was surprised to look up and see she and the bird were not hit as the raging beast’s fire was intercepted by a similar attack.

    "Druddigon!" cried the male Cave Pokemon as he came racing in, having blocked Hydreigon's attack. Despite this, her constant close calls with the fire were starting to get to Iris, and she wiped the sweat from her forehead while consoling her injured friend.

    “Drudd!” Iris couldn’t forget about the still agonized female Druddigon, who she assumed had made it to the village alright. The maiden looked up at the horrendous face of Hydreigon once more as it continued its rampage, trying to kill anything that so much as moved, viewing it as an enemy.

    The Cave Pokémon stepped up to try and take on the destructive monstrosity, getting away from the others to avoid them getting hit by any stray attacks.

    “I don’t know what I did, I thought he would listen if he got free....” she cuddled the poor soul who cooed softly in her arms while they watched the fighting Dragons.

    “Druddi!” the Pokémon had two cerulean claws ready to attack Hydreigon and the large creature leapt into the air and slashed violently. Hydreigon dodged the close-range attack, however; the ability to fly made an earth-bound Pokémon’s job much harder. As the Cave Pokémon fell back to the ground his wings worked as a parachute to cushion the force of the fall.

    A cluster of turquoise balls darted from the main head of Hydreigon, to counter Druddigon discharged shots of brown filth that met and made an explosion that ripped through the air so hard Hydreigon was fanned back a significant amount. Druddigon was calm and cool and made sure to watch closely and leave no room for error.

    Next Hydreigon attempted to go in for a close-quarters attack by showing its fangs, once again, hurrying toward the Cave Pokémon. Iris saw the blood-stained fangs and cringed all the while getting more and more unnerved the longer the barbaric beast kept up its assault.

    Hydreigon bit down on Druddigon, its grip was quickly broken though. The inside of its mouth had been scissored by the rough, spiky skin of Druddigon. The red-and-blue creature retaliated by knocking the bleeding Dragon across the face with a Dragon Claw that forced it to the ground.

    Iris saw blood leak from the Brutal Pokémon’s mouth and began to shiver. She cared about Druddigon and wanted him to survive but she didn’t want harm to come to Hydreigon either. The battle was turning into a very scary, deadly sight.

    Druddigon made ready to go in for another Dragon Claw though the incoming Pokémon was hit by a Flamethrower that forced him to the ground after he jumped.

    Hydreigon’s body and eyes glowed a deep red as he raced at Druddigon and unleashed all of his rage in the form of punching and thrashing that the Pokémon did his best to endure. It wasn’t easy and gradually the Cave Pokémon gave way and fell while Hydreigon’s Outrage continued to batter him.

    “Raawwrrr!” After the storm of hits had ended Hydreigon rose to the air menacingly and readied a Flamethrower to finish Druddigon for good.

    “Don’t do it! Please!” Iris’s face was covered with tears that dropped lightly on Swablu who had blacked-out some moments prior. The trapped flames overflowed from the monster’s mouth and Iris gave one last futile scream before the attack was fully charged, just when Hydreigon made ready to let loose the move.

    “Brrrrraugh!” it was boxed in the face by a fiery, yellow fist.

    “Dragonite!” Iris’s tears ceased momentarily.

    “I’m so glad you’re okay!” Mira came running in behind Iris, bending down on her knees and hugging her graciously with tears running down her face. Ryuu appeared behind his daughter and glared up at the Hydreigon. Before it could even react to the Fire Punch, a Dragon Claw smashed into its stomach.

    “Rawwwrr!” The rage continued as Hydreigon created another Flamethrower.

    “End this, Dragonite! Thunderbolt! Shelgon, Hydro Pump!” Ryuu commanded.

    Iris looked over to see Mira’s Pokémon was indeed there as well, she hadn’t even noticed. The large, yellow Pokémon generated a storm of electricity that zapped Hydreigon complemented by a pump of water from the Shelgon that amplified the attack. The Brutal Pokémon was unable to spew flames, it also struggled to move as sparks surged from its body.

    “Paralysis,” the man pulled out a Poké Ball similar to the one Baron had, “Ultra Ball, Hydreigon!” Ryuu launched the capsule at the Dragon and the strong sphere forced the beaten-up Brutal Pokémon inside. There was an internal struggle that caused the sphere to wiggle for a few seconds but it soon stopped as indicated by a small spring of sparkles popped from it.

    “It’s all over,” Ryuu closed his eyes and looked at the surrounding area, surveying the damage.

    “Ryuu,” Iris whimpered like a small animal while making her way over to her caretaker with Swablu still in her arms. “Is Druddigon going to be okay?!” Ryuu didn’t have the heart to try to sugarcoat anything.

    “I don’t know,” Ryuu said as he marched over to the severely hurt Cave Pokémon with Iris following closely behind.

    “What about Swablu?!” she held out her palms with the bird peacefully sleeping in them.

    “Don’t worry about this, leave it to me.” The elder man went over the Druddigon and put him inside a Poké Ball. Mira picked up the captured Hydreigon’s Ultra Ball and pocketed it.

    “Iris, let’s go home,” Mira said with tears still pooled in her eyes from reuniting with Iris. “Give Swablu to me,” Iris handed her the injured Pokémon with care.

    “Dragonite, this is urgent!” Ryuu called to his guardian, ready to take flight, securing Swablu and the Ultra Ball from Mira with Druddigon’s Poké Ball as well. “I promise I’ll do everything I can.” He left her with few words while Dragonite raced off to the village with an earnest sense of urgency.

    “Let’s go Iris, we’ll walk together,” the young girl sobbed with Mira putting her arm around her friend's shoulder.

    -:-

    Iris stood outside the medical tent set-up near Ryuu’s clinic; unsurprisingly, quite a few people were concerned for her and welcomed her back with hugs and smiles. However, there was no reason to celebrate or be happy for inside the setup facility was her mentor himself performing critical surgery on Druddigon. The Cave Pokémon was most likely in more turmoil and pain than the child could ever understand.

    “Swa,” the tiny bird swooped in with bandages around his body.

    “I’m glad you’re okay, I feel really guilty.”

    “Swabluululu,” the Pokémon tried to snap Iris out of her saddened mood. Mira appeared from the tent abruptly.

    “Well, the female Druddigon’s wounds have been treated, though most of the pain had to do with what’s in her stomach,” Mira explained.

    “Are you saying?” Iris’s eyes widened.

    “She’s pregnant and due in a little while, can’t give an estimate on her time. Though I’m sure the egg will make it out fine, despite the amount of abuse she suffered...” Mira bit her lip.

    “Mira, I need your assistance!” Ryuu called for his daughter to return.

    “Be right back.”

    “She’s pregnant and the baby’s gonna be okay, that’s the one good thing to come out of this,” Iris chatted with the Cotton Bird Pokémon. She was getting tired, she didn’t leave the medical tent but simply sat down near the entrance and rested her eyes until she fell into a warm, light nap with Swablu nestled in her arms.

    -:-

    “Iris.....psh...Iris. Daddy needs you to come into the tent,” Iris rubbed her eyes until the blur disappeared revealing the tan face of Mira. She did what was told without a word, mostly due to her groggy state.

    “Iris...” Ryuu bit his tongue. “I need you to say goodbye to Druddigon...” Iris’s face immediately lost its color as it was obvious what she was about to do.

    “No tears,” Mira bent down to the child’s level. “Druddigon wants to hear your voice," she said as the young girl walked over to the being as Ryuu stood by.

    “Druddigon, I’m so so sorry. I’m was stupid to think that Dragon would help us and now you’re like this!” she wiped the drops of water from her face. Ryuu placed his hand on the Cave Pokemon’s chest and closed his eyes.

    “He says that you made a mistake, that’s okay. He was glad that before his mate left this world she was able to give birth to the egg containing their child safely,” Ryuu translated. Iris immediately came to the realization that from that news the female Druddigon passed away while in labor.

    “What have I done?” Iris fell to her knees, putting her face to the floor and sobbing loudly. “There’s nothing I can do to apologize!” Iris’s guilt nearly overtook her while the man did his best to keep his composure and continue translating.

    “Don’t worry about that at all. Just promise to be good friends with my kid,” The Cave Pokémon smirked as Ryuu said that, Mira lifted Iris up from the ground and handed her a red and blue egg with a crooked yellow pattern running through the middle from left to right. Iris gaped down at the egg, halting her crying.

    “Ryuu, I thought Druddigon wanted to continue on. I thought I understood.”

    “No,” Ryuu was stern but calm, “If you really had understood Druddigon’s heart you would have realized that his wishes were to end the pain. Druddigon has suffered many serious injuries beyond repair, even attempting to live would be a burden on him. There would have to be surgeries often every few years or possibly months, foods he wouldn’t be able to eat at all, I’m not even sure if he could ever walk again. Being a wild Pokémon, that’s a necessity for life.”

    Iris felt even more terrible about what had happened, though Druddigon was looking at her with a sympathetic face that told her not to weep any further.

    Still, with the Druddigon-themed egg in her hands, she slumped and looked at a table, sitting there was the Ultra Ball. Mira looked at Iris warmly.

    “If you want to know, that Dragon is called Hydreigon and I’m almost positive it isn’t from around here in the main village. Probably lives in a den somewhere and it’s going to be okay, that species is known for their power and resilience.” Mira informed, Iris forgot about the Brutal Pokémon for a second and just observed the Cave Pokémon.

    “Goodbye, Druddigon,” Iris said one last time, still caressing the egg that contained the Dragon life as she fell asleep from sheer exhaustion right then and there. She had been completely worn-out and mentally drained, trying to fight to stay awake would have been a meaningless struggle.

    After that event Iris learned a lot. She learned about the evil within humans and the evil within Pokémon. She learned about life and death a bit more. Her own ideals about cherishing what was near and dear to her were strengthened that day. She learned about never taking life for granted. One thing in particular stuck out to Iris, the one thing she knew. She had never feared a Dragon in her life, she thought she had warm feelings for nearly all Dragons she encountered, however, now she knew that wasn’t the case.

    She was afraid of Hydreigon.
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2013
  15. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    I really like the way you ended this chapter because it felt as if it tied with the canon universe really well and also showed potentially great character development for Iris. :D
     
  16. Sid87

    Sid87 I love shiny pokemon

    There's exactly a 0% chance I get through this chapter in one sitting because your chapters are too immense and my attention span is too tiny. But I'll give it a shot and come back later if must.

    You need either a semi-colon or a period between "yanked out a drawer with little force" and "this caused a variety...". A comma doesn't separate two independent clauses.

    What did he replay? This doesn't tell me.

    I'm assuming regions aren't very big in your universe. Some people consider them differently: the size of a large city, the size of a state, the size of a country, or even a continent. Even if Dragonite is really fast, asking it to look around a country or continent (or even a medium-sized state) would take... a great deal of time.

    Ehhh... I don't love "lively guy" in narration. It is too colloquial.

    "insignificant little pest" is a bit redundant. I'd drop the "little". It will sound better.

    Don't like "knocked-out". Either... "unconscious" or"fallen" or "defeated" or even "battered" if you want to go for a truly beaten imagery.

    Get rid of the redundant use of "time" in the first bit there. "Time would be spent....a lot of the time".

    This seems a little, I don't know, irrelevant. "He looked. He didn't see anything. He looked more". I don't know what this part really contributed to moving the story on.

    "He looked for 15 minutes. He found nothing". Again... what is the point of this narration?

    Comma after "place".

    Needs better color description. "brown-grayish"? "dark-greenish"? These don't tell me anything. Compare them to something. "The boy, his matted hair the color of a worn-out saddle..." or "the reptilian, forest-tinted Pokemon...". That's more vivid, yes? I mean, don't get TOO flowery with it, but add some spice.

    ...wut? Is this supposed to make me see Ryuu as a buffoon and respect him less?

    What is with all the swearing all of the sudden? This doesn't seem like a situation that calls for it. The boy's, I guess I can see. But from Ryuu?

    Don't randomly italicize things like the "my" there. It's kind of distracting. You can just narrate in a dialogue tag that emphasized part of the sentence.

    Another comma separating two independent clauses there.

    I'm assuming a professional would have a special pouch or container and wouldn't generally be stuffing delicate plants in his pockets.

    Oh, inconsistent narration. Now we're in Drayden's P.O.V. all of the sudden? That always throws me.

    "Light". Unless he's talking about diet food.

    "working alongside dragons in medical"? I don't think that's right. "Medical settings"? "Medical emergencies"? "in medicine"? I'm assuming you mean one of those.

    Wait, do you have both of them speaking in the same paragraph here?"

    We already know it is called "The Village of Dragons". It's not a nickname, so don't set it off in quotations.

    "Most of...for the most part". Another redundancy.

    Comma after "played".


    -Okay, this is where I stop for now. I'll try to get the rest of it later.

    Another redundancy. Their eyes met when they made eye contact.

    Comma after unlikely.

    Drayden FIGURED. not "figuring".

    Anyone who plays the games will know why the attack is "boosted", but for a story, either go into detail explaining it for the reader's sake, or just leave it out and let the attack be the attack.

    Leave out the "What happened next was..." bit and just say Larvitar was blasted back. It hits harder and is less distracting.

    I think fics take a hit when they play too closely by video game rules. They seem too nonsensical and silly. Like this part here... I'm not saying not to use Larvitar's ability... just don't describe it such like a game. Explain it more as, I dunno, "Larvitar seemed to feel rage at the burn inflicted upon him, and it emanated a newfound aura of power..." Just an example. Don't go into "status moves" and stuff.

    Like a contradiction, not contradictory.

    Lay, not "lied".

    I'm, personally, not a big fan of sound effects. Just say "the beast roared in satisfaction". Sound effects are really distracting and almost always make a reader stop, disengage from the story, and imagine them.

    I get that Drayden is young here, but this dialogue doesn't fit very well with the man we all know he becomes.

    More video-game rules with the description of Assurance there. Like I said...that won't make any sense to a non-game player, and even to those of us who do play them, it just seems kind of silly to think of in a "real world" battle like this.

    Also, I don't love the usage of "bailed". Again, too colloquial for narration.


    As I read on, I saw more gamey battle mechanics that I didn't love (Rest/Marvel Scale). If you're going to incorporate that, try to make it more realistic and describe how those methods would look/act in real life.

    A lot of your characters are still suffering from all sounding fairly immature and, really, like teenagers. Try to get more into the soul of who they are and give them their independent voices.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2013
  17. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    Thank you very much the kind words. I'm pretty much doing my best to keep this fic. tied to the game-canon in a realistic and free-flowing way, though the fear of Hydreigon was my own touch and is going to be an important factor later for Ms.Wild-child. :p Can you imagine, as an 8-year-old, seeing a raging dark beast wreck everything they see and nearly take various lives? Hopefully I can portray that fear well in the future when the time comes while still being enticing to see.


    If you want you could just drop the fic. I don't mean it in a rude way, more so that if the fic. isn't very engaging for you and the chapter length bothers you you could just stop reading it. You clearly have given the chapters a chance and obviously you're not very engrossed by the story if the chapters are that much of a bother due to the word count, I don't mind removing you from the PM list. Though thank you for the reviews in the past and this review, I really appreciate it. Good critique is a rarity in many forms around these parts.
    Actually regions in this fic. are the same ones from in-game. Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, and Hoenn are based on real-life regions in Japan, Kanto, Kaisai, Kyushu, Hokkaido, and lastly Unova is the USA, specifically Manhatten/New York. The regions are all within around an hour or so boat ride of each other in Japan iirc, America is around an eight or so hour plane ride. The Dragon Village, in-game, resides just outside of the Unova Region. So it wouldn't be that long a distance to fly for a Dragonite, given their exceptional speed.
    It's mainly characterization, while Ryuu is more respected as an adult and mature moments like that are meant to highlight the contrast between him and his younger self. Plus it's meant to be a somewhat amusing scene.

    Looking back, I do indeed agree on that. It's very...unneeded. XP
    I know italicization is a nitpick of yours from your previous reviews and other reviews and post here in the Fanfiction section and honestly you're probably the only person I've every come across that's quite bothered by it. ^^; Though I hear what you're saying, the italicization is meant to highlight the word and make you think about it. It can also be used as a nice indicator of sarcasm in dialogue. Though I have corrected every other error and piece awkward dialogue you pointed out, I don't see a point in changing that.
    I mentioned that at the end actually, must have had a brain-fart at the beginning and forgot. Went back and edited, thank you for pointing it out.
    I hear what you're saying, making it less robotic and more smooth in a sense. For example is in a future chapter to explain why Grass-types aren't heavily bothered by Electricity I would say they have bodies that are able to handle and diffuse electricity into dirt/the ground. I actually wrote this chapter a long time ago during my beginning phases in fanfiction so I didn't know better, but thank you for pointing that out. It gives me much more to think about in the future. ^^


    Thank you, my characterization does need more fine-tuning. I appreciate the review once again.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2013
  18. An Enemy Spy

    An Enemy Spy Well-Known Member

    This is for the review game. Sorry if you have trouble reading my word coloration. I use the Electric Type background so this color shows up pretty well for me, and it helps differentiate my words from yours.

    "There's a world in this universe filled with monsters who are mainly known for their special powers and abilities, these amazing monsters that inhabit this strange and unique world are called Pokémon.

    They have talents that allow them to do many amazing things! Whether it be breathing fire, generating electricity, or summoning ice storms. These magnificent beast specialize in their own specific "Type" that allows them to do such wonders, moves also have their own type. Pokémon who are the same type as the move they're using can cause greater damage than they would if they were a different type as the move they were executing.

    Each type has its advantages and disadvantages against other types. This allows there to be balance for Pokémon when they engage in contests of strength, technique, and athleticism known as "Pokémon Battles". These battles between Pokémon are considered to be a popular sport that is enjoyed by all ages. In Pokémon battles, there are people who command their Pokémon to utilize their moves against other Pokémon. These people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".

    There are trainers and people who favor some types of Pokémon over others. Facilities called "Gyms" specialize in one type of Pokémon in order to test trainers. When a trainer beats the "Gym Leader" of a Pokémon Gym, they will be awarded a "Gym Badge" that can be used to enter the "Pokémon League" of the region the gym is in.

    There are certain types of attacks that are super effective, as in doing more damage than usual, to different types of Pokémon. An example of this is that Water-type moves are very dangerous when used on Fire-type Pokémon. One of the seventeen known types that a Pokémon can be is the Dragon-type. The Dragon-type, a type that nearly all Draconian or Dragon Pokémon can be, is a rare type that has some of the best of moves under its name. For example, Charizard is draconian, but not a Dragon-type.

    One of the two types that effect Dragon-types greatly are Ice-type moves. It is hypothesized a Dragon's scale-covered body can't handle cold temperatures, unfortunately for the reptilian creatures, nearly all Ice-types wield powers like these. Dragon-type moves are super effective on Dragon-type Pokémon too.

    "Dragons are known to be quite the opponents to combat in battle, being blessed with extraordinary battling prowess. Many are ferocious, many are mysterious, and many are sought for their high potential. Some are even known in legends for being responsible for the creation of many places and elements. They can also serve as guardians to people.

    These versatile beings' popularity meant they were highly sought often and that lead to them becoming a rarity in the wild. Not only is it hard to find and capture one of these brilliant individuals, it's even harder to train them, for some it's hard to tame them even. If one was to succeed in doing such a hard feat, it would be a true testament to their skills to raise such a overly exceptionally Pokémon.

    There's one village in particular where people love and cherish these monsters for all they're worth. In that particular village, a cheery girl who dreams of understanding the complex hearts of dragons resides, waiting till she's of age to start her own journey. This unique girl's name is Iris.""

    This is way too long of an intro. It feels like you're trying to explain the game mechanics to us, but unless this story takes place in an OOTS like world, people shouldn't be aware of how the game rules work. For example, in a realistic setting, fire types do damage to grass types because plants are flammable, not because fire always gets to do double damage. You could have easily pared this down to two or three paragraphs. All we need to know is that there are dragons, and that Iris wants to understand them.


    So far, this is quite good. You use proper punctuation and sentence structure, and you break the text up so I'm not staring at an impenetrable wall.

    "Near them was a large, black truck. It had a caged backside that held many purloined Pokémon. Iris couldn't make out what Pokémon they were specifically but she knew without a doubt that the captured Dragons were just as helpless as she was or else they surely would have freed themselves by now. She was tempted to try and get close to the truck, but she didn't want to risk it in this situation."

    While I get that your trying to vary your vocabulary, the phrase "purloined Pokemon" really sounds kind of silly. The alliteration really takes away from the menace of these guys.

    ""Humph!" A loud roar came from Ryuu. "You've never battled a Pokémon with 'Multiscale' have you? This ability halves an attack's damage when the Pokémon with it has taken no damage." Iris smirked seeing Baron was unfamiliar with the ability that some Dragonite had, allowing them to take attacks more effectively than they normally would. How Ryuu managed to obtain a Pokémon with such a rare ability, Iris didn't know. Managing to find one almost seemed like something she could only do in a dream."

    And now things are just getting silly. Nothing takes away from the excitement of a fight scene like explaining the game rules behind each attack. Unless this story literally takes place inside a video game, dialogue like this should not exist.

    The fight has devolved into people just shouting out moves now. Make it seem organic and natural, with the trainers giving commands and the pokemon breathing fire and ice at each other, with the actual game moves themselves being more implied than outright stated. A dragon shooting a stream of hot orange flame is far more engaging than a dragon using Flamethrower.

    Thoughts on Chapter 1. Overly long and unnecessary intro, good beginning, and weak battle sequence marred by dialogue sounding more like from a video gaming tournament than an actual fight where the creatures are real and not just pixels and stats.

    Chapter Two is more of the same. It starts off strong, but then devolves into more battles that are just calling out attacks and describing the pokemon do that attack. It separates us from the action and makes it unexciting, because it doesn't feel real at all. Also, this is a very drawn out fight considering that nothing seems to actually be at stake here. I think you could shorten it down to a few paragraphs. If every battle is going to be like this one, then you're going to have a lot of overly long drawn out scenes that will quickly get boring.

    Chapter Three.

    Here's an idea. You have the Baron yelling "Ice Shard" over and over again. Why not have him saying things like, "hit her with an Ice Shard!" or something like that? It haelps to vary the combat dialogue and makes it seem less stilted.

    The action scene in this chapter is a major improvement. It flows better, and it doesn't suffer from the problem of just being a series of people yelling names of attacks over and over.

    This Chapter is a marked improvement, especially when compared to the second one. If you use this as a starting point for improvement, then this story will have some real potential.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
  19. Blue Saturday

    Blue Saturday too fly

    That will be no problem.

    Yeah, about that. I honestly can't really be too bothered when it comes to complaints about length. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the criticism since good, in-depth, genuine is hard to come by these days. However, I think that when complaints about lengths are a bit, I don't wanna say lazy or shallow but rather weak. Honestly, the intro was made to be as long as it needed to be to get everything across to the reader. There was no fluff in it. I can understand complaints about length if it explains rather flowery or fluffy details that won't be relevant or aren't gonna be important to the story at hand, however the things I mentioned will be brought up later. I only made it as long as it had to be ^^;;
    This, I agree with. I've heard similar criticize about this before, I mainly used this "movie-like" beginning to give a sense of "new intro, new beginning" to the story, that and I'm a sucker for movie-like beginning for a story. I can see how it might be a bit of a rather redundant move looking back at it now. I do think I should have focused more on the general grandeur of Dragons, Iris, village, etc. :X
    Thank you, that was something I struggled with so it's nice to know I've improved.
    Indeed, I can see where you're coming from with that.
    I've gotten similar complaints and, once again, I agree with you. I'm actually cleaning up situations like these, I've gone back to Chapter one and given more natural and flowing justifications for such things since in real-life it does come off as awkward. Thank you for pointing these things out though.

    I see, I see. I actually do strive for that regularly, believe it or not. Though the battle scenes will have trainers giving commands.


    I see and hear what you're saying, but again, when it comes to length and battles sometimes they're meant to be the central piece of the chapters themselves and as a way to sorta of elicit interactions, growth, etc. from the characters in an non-contrived and somewhat interesting fashion. I apologize if the battles are too long for your liking.

    I see.

    Thank you! I appreciate the nice words regarding Chapter three, I've actually got similar comments regarding Chapter three being a major step-up from previous chapters quite a few times. I'm actually really surprised you went and read all three of my chapters since the Review Game only requires you read and review one chapter. :p I, once again, thank you for the nice effort and review.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2013
  20. Colt45

    Colt45 Cobalt

    I'm here for the review exchange we PM'd about.

    Not sure you really needed to go into that much detail lol, but I do like your opening overall.
    I think it'd make more sense to go with "The people who partake in this sport are called "Pokémon Trainers".

    Just a minor gripe here, I really don't think you had to put quotations around every title.

    Maybe explain what a Charizard is?

    I would've started a new sentence here, changing the first comma to a period, and capitalizing unfortunately.

    Your use of the word combat is a little confusing here, how bout just "to battle with"?


    Remove the "then" from in front of "slyly giggled".

    Some corrections in bold. Mostly commas.

    How bout, "which was, pretty simply, a brick house building."?


    There's no need for the "out of".



    If you're going to put a comma after took off, remove the "with".

    Well, that's about it I guess, I really liked this fic. It almost felt like a was reading a real published book, the descriptions are great, and the word variation is truly excellent. The story was great and well thought-out as well.

    Overall: 9.5/10

    Edit: Also, I'd like to be added to the PM list.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2013

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