Hi all.
We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.
However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.
We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
Awww, yes, true. Truth be told I only implemented the movie-like beginning due to thinking it would serve as a nice intro to the story. I never had an intentions of it being a means to introduce new readers or non-Pokemon readers to the story at all.
I actually have a bit of a rule when it comes to describing Pokemon, Pokemon like Charizard, imo, don't need *much* description given it's a very known Pokemon and quite popular. A Pokemon like Druddigon for example, I feel would be better spent describing.
Well, that's about it I guess, I really liked this fic. It almost felt like a was reading a real published book, the descriptions are great, and the word variation is truly excellent. The story was great and well thought-out as well.
Sure, I don't mind adding you to the PM list and thank you for the review. Word variation and description are two things I've struggled with for quite a long time so it's good to know I did well in that regard.
Chapter 3 Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Cage!
The night was pitch black, the darkness surely would have enveloped the forest if not for the stars above that broke through the blackness. Iris was gazing from the tree down on the poachers’ campsite, she got a nice aerial view of everything around the area. Standing next to her, technically flapping, was a small white-and-blue bird Pokemon. He attempted to communicate, using gestures, over their current situation.
"Iris was gazing from the down to the poachers' campsite, and she got a nice aerial view..."
"hovering" would probably be a better term than "flapping," as well.
“I can sneak over there, I just gotta be careful.” Iris whispered only for the Swablu to overdramatically gulp.
The only thing standing in front of her was that incompetent poacher watching over the beasts. Iris still was hesitant had no one there to confine her feelings to except Swablu. She would have to sneak toward the vehicle via navigating the trees that stood around the campsite to avoid getting seen.
The sentence about Iris's feelings is confusing. You could probably cut it down to just a description of Iris being hesitant, unless it looks odd because there is a word missing. I think there might be, but I'm not quite sure what's missing where.
“Great, fly over there and put him to sleep and I’ll sneak over and free the Dragons. It’ll be easy,” Iris said confident in her plan, Swablu was still wary of the idea though given it seemed like it would work in Iris’s head. Actually executing it would be a whole different story however.
It would probably sound better like this: "...Iris said, confident in her plan. Swablu was still wary of the idea, though, given it seemed like it would work in Iris's head.
Both glared at each other momentarily as Iris nodded and the Flying-type took off en route to the cage. On the trip there he flew over various tents that littered the land below which reminded him once again he knew the minute he came with Iris that even trying to free the Dragons would be a risky move to make. Though he once again remembered how firm the young girl was in her convictions. As the bird came within range of the poacher, he noticed the man almost seemed to be nodding off into a sleep on his own and was barely being kept from falling into a slumber by a red, furry puppy that had its body decorated with black strips.
The second sentence is a run-on that desperately needs to be corrected via breaking up and reformatting.
“Okay, well you gotta g-”
“Swaalalalala,” the man was interrupted by a flow of sound that poured from Swablu’s beak. Tommy and his canine were entranced by the sweet music in mere seconds, though Growlithe fought to stay awake her body betrayed her. The young adult had slumped to the ground quietly like a toddler.
“Yes! Nice job!” Iris congratulated Swablu upon climbing down from the tree. As far as the plan went Swablu had successfully taken the poacher out of play. Iris went over and peered into the cage that housed the kidnapped reptiles. A sickening scent immediately attacked her nose before she even saw what she was looking at.
The stint of blood, the blood that belonged to the Druddigon wrapped together with her mate. The same Pokémon Baron had whipped prior to stealing.
That's a pretty powerful sensory image, both in sight and smell. Good, efficient use of description here really gets the point across. Good work.
“Druddigon?” Iris reached her arm between the bars enough to stroke the body of the bloody Cave Pokémon as she sniffed at the air curiously, confirming to herself that the presence was of someone from the Dragon Village. Inching in a little closer Iris managed to feel the Pokémon’s chest and could sense her vibrant heartbeat. “Please speak to me.” Iris got a little louder, her voice reflective of her concern.
This is a little confusing, because I can't tell who is sniffing at the air. The sentence first implies it's Iris, but then it goes on to suggest that Druddigon is detecting the scent of the Dragon Village, meaning it's Druddigon instead.
“I think not little girl.” That voice, she turned around and met eyes with Baron. She could smell the thick scent of cologne as he walked closer, the young girl shot a leer right at him with no fear of making eye-contact. All Iris saw was a worthless, sadistic, thief strolling toward her. After all she had gone through he wasn't going to come out without wounds.
“****! Stop it!” Baron swatted at the Pokémon who kept unleashing a barrage of furious pecks on him.
“Serves you right!” Iris ran over to the cage and screamed, “Everyone! You have to break this cage, somehow, there’s no time for me to free you!” Some of the creatures responded, others simply didn’t, which was a sure fire sign of their broken spirits. Almost as if they had accepted their awful fates. The determined child found a nicely sized rock on the ground and began to beat at the lock with all her might. “I’m gonna get you all out!”
“Swablublublu!” The Pokémon had done a nice job of keeping Baron contained in one spot as his sharp beak continued to stab Baron’s skin. Small bloody spots had punctured from the repeated wear and tear. Baron grabbed for a Poké Ball in his pocket while trying to shield his face from the angry bird’s onslaught.
“Weavile, kill that useless thing!” The Sharp Claw Pokémon appeared from the white-and-red sphere, clearly still tired from the earlier duel with Dragonite. Nonetheless the Ice-type separated Swablu from Baron with a quick rush which forced him to the ground hard.
Iris was still working on the lock which was nowhere near as deterred from the repeated hits with the stone, she turned her head to see Swablu evading a crystal-looking blast from Weavile. Her heart immediately started racing.
I think you should change 'dark' to 'darkened,' remove the hyphen and add "and" after "was" among other changes. It would then read like this: "...the two Druddigon in the prison didn't know who the darkened cellmate was, and neither did the other Dragons."
“Ice Shard!” More cold stones crashed into the mobile confinement, creating even more boisterous rounding that resonated throughout the cage. Like before the resting creature was clearly getting more unnerved as it tossed and turned.
”Maybe, just maybe. That Dragon could be strong enough to break free and save the day!”
"Swaaa."
“Hey, Swablu, in front of the cage, over here!”
“She’s playing with me,” Baron had an increasing feeling of irritation gradually creep up on him. “Weavile, for the last time, hit that little annoyance!”
Weavile created the biggest piece of ice yet, being nearly the size of a boulder, the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type. It was promptly evaded and slammed the jail hard, creating the most intense eruption of crying from the metal it impacted against. That was the last straw.
That sounds a bit much to merely be an Ice Shard. It almost sounds more like an Avalanche attack, if anything.
The titan had awoken.
“Raaawwwwwrrrrr!”
A piercing screech from behind the young lady literally could have broken her eardrums. Iris turned quickly to see the dark figure rising to the roof of the cage, she was elated to see it had come to life. Baron’s blood had gone cold when he saw the hellish faces of the creature.
Two small heads functioned as hands for the Dragon as well as a main head in the middle that was dark-blue with demonic, fuchsia eyes. Two useless legs limped in the air as the draconian, pitch-black wings gave the Pokémon the ability of flight.
I have to say, I'm kind of surprised that it's a Hydreigon. I thought for a while that you might have been playing loosely with the definition of "dragon" and that it would be a Charizard.
“Rawwwrrrr!” The monster’s voice blasted from all three heads which made Baron jump and surely awoke the other sleeping poachers.
I think the cry would read in a more menacing way if you used "dreiii" or some other variant taken from Hydreigon's name.
“You little *****! Look what you’ve caused!” Baron’s eyes were bullets trained on Iris, though Iris’s attention was registered completely on the Brutal Pokémon before her. She had never seen one of those before. The child was engrossed as she watched the creature writhe around the closed space, firing a blaze in all directions.
Unfortunately, a few of the other Dragons were almost hit by the attack. The male Druddigon did his best to shield his female counterpart from the fire, especially in her already severe state. Shelgon put up a barrier that they all gathered near that managed to keep them guarded from the flames.
I'd recommend elaborating a tiny bit on the female Druddigon's severe state. Also, "keep them guarded" in context would read better as "keep themselves guarded."
“Swabluuuuu!” Meanwhile, still tangoing with Weavile, the Cotton Bird Pokémon came drilling down with his beak having grown little over half a foot long. The Ice-type was dive bombed in the same manner as he was when defeated by Dragonite.
“Losing to the old bag and being beaten by a Pokémon that’s not even close to your speed?! ****! Why are you so useless!?” Weavile tried to not be phased by the insult and conjured more Ice Shards which were not hitting their mark. Swablu’s ability of flight combined with fatigue from battling Dragonite made such a task especially difficult.
"fazed," and the wording of the Ice Shard part is a little shaky tense-wise. The correct way to say it would probably be "did not hit their mark."
The Ice-type moves jetted through the air, each being dodged and hammering the cage which elicited more anger from the Dragon called “Hydreigon.” Iris had broken from her study when a blast of fire came close to hitting her.
“Raawwwwrr!” The Pokémon’s eyes turned a bloody red as its whole body seemed to emit a ruby aura, this gave an even more terrifying appearance to the Pokémon who started attacking the cage head on and thrashing at it unrelentingly. Each ringing of the cage in-sync with Baron’s fearful heartbeats, before long bars were down, freeing the raging atrocity as well as nearly every other Dragon who saw a chance at freedom and took it with no hesitation. Only two remained, the male Druddigon was doing his best to steadily help his hurt mate toward freedom.
Also, I really like the little side bit with the Druddigon. It's not a major part of the story, but it gives the reader a little look into how these creatures operate in their own internal society.
“Swablu! Give me a hand!” Iris bellowed for her little friend who had no problem following orders. The Brutal Pokémon sent a chain of flames at Weavile from all three heads which enveloped the Pokemon’s whole body, the Ice-type immediately fell to the ground in a near-death state.
“I caught you once and I can do it again!” Baron pulled out a black-and-yellow Poké Ball. Before running away Iris feared for the Brutal Pokemon’s safety and tried to give a message to flee.
“You have to run! You’re free now!” Iris’s words fell on deaf ears as the Hydreigon ejected another shower of fire in a random area, “Why aren’t you listening, you have to run! You! Have! To! Run!” Iris shouted at the furious brute, taking deep breaths between each word.
I get images of the Dragon Village episode of the anime here, and I have to say that I like it.
“After I contain it you’re next brat. You seriously don’t think I’m going to let you get away with losing my profit?” Iris’s previous boiling nature resurfaced, she had nearly forgotten about the leader of the gang. “So, you think you’re hot **** because that squirt was outclassing Weavile? Abomasnow, get its attention!”
There needs to be a comma between "it" and "you're" as well as between "next" and "brat." In addition, the non-dialogue sentence between the two pieces of dialogue feels unnecessary here. It could probably be moved somewhere else where it more directly links to the dialogue.
From the Ultra Ball came a creature covered in thick, chalky fur. It charged a mass of ice in its green hands, pitching it directly at Hydreigon who was knocked cleanly by the move in its enraged state.
“He doesn't belong to you!”
“Is that so? If I catch it, like any other person would, it technically belongs to me. Besides, who are you to tell me what and what I don’t own? Don’t worry, you’ll learn your place when I catch it again.” A sadistic grin formed around his face as Hydreigon approached.
I like it when villains use this logic, because if you think about it, it's correct. If he catches Hydreigon it does technically belong to him.
“Swabluuu,” he insinuated worriedly to Iris.
“Escape? But, what about him?” Iris sympathetically looked at Hydreigon. “Well, I can at least help the Druddigon escape.”
Meanwhile, now coming to his senses was Tommy who rubbed his head and felt soft debris on his body.
“What’s going on...?” He examined himself and Growlithe as he heard the ruckus and saw Baron’s Abomasnow engaged with a Hydreigon. He looked to his left to see Iris helping the Druddigon duo flee the scene by entering the thickness of the forest.
“Come on, you’ll be okay!” Iris had the female Druddigon’s right arm wrapped around her shoulder. “You two can get away while he’s busy!” Iris felt Tommy’s stare trained on her, she glanced to the left and looked right into his eyes. Tommy did not say anything, Iris did not speak either. Her eyes were a mirror that told an infuriated story of passion, those eyes were ones he would never forget.
The eyes of angry compassion like the rage of a Dragon itself. With Growlithe in-tow he ran away from the area as hastily as he could. Swablu kept a watching eye on the bout between the two fully-evolved Pokemon.
That was a great passage. In just a few paragraphs and lines we got an excellently vivid picture of Iris's character. Well done here.
Neither side looked like they were going to give in, however in the blink of an eye, Hydreigon spat a Flamethrower that ripped through Abomasnow’s fur. Doing its best to keep itself together, the Frost Tree Pokémon blew a very chilly wind that the Brutal Pokémon evaded with ease.
The Dragon swooped down in a flash and barred its sharp, carnivorous fangs, biting down unrelentingly on Abomasnow’s arm. The Ice-type cried out for the simple freedom of the bite however Hydreigon got more agitated and forced its teeth deeper into the Frost Tree Pokémon’s flesh.
"bared," not "barred." "Carnivorous" isn't really a great word to use to describe fangs though I can see a way it could work. I would recommend not using the species names of Pokemon so often - "Frost Tree Pokemon" is used twice in rapid succession. "Simple freedom of the bite" doesn't make sense; it should be "cried out for simple freedom from the bite."
Blood gradually began to spill from the wound, all Abomasnow did was struggle helplessly, soon Hydreigon let go only after the Pokémon had fallen unconscious. Another near-death state that the very Brutal Pokémon had forced upon one of Baron’s.
Run-on sentence. Rewrite it like this: "Blood gradually began to spill from the wound, but all Abomasnow did was struggle helplessly. Soon, Hydreigon let go, but only after Abomasnow had fallen unconscious. Another near-death state that the very brutal Pokemon had forced upon one of Baron's."
“This **** isn’t worth it!” Baron returned his Grass-type, most of the other poachers had gotten the right idea and already fled the scene after waking up. “Fearow, abort!”
"and" needs to go between "Grass-type" and "most."
The large beak-having bird appeared from a Poké Ball, he boarded it in an attempt to escape. Despite nearly being blasted out of the air by Flamethrowers from Hydreigon he had gotten away. Meanwhile, Iris and the Druddigon had covered half a mile.
This is very awkwardly worded. "The bird with a large beak" is a better way to describe Fearow, and you need to clarify who the "he" is that boarded it.
“This is far enough, you two go. I have to go help Swablu and that other Dragon somehow.”
“Drudd,” the male nodded as him and the female continued the trek toward the Dragon Village.
“Raawwwwrr!” The Brutal Pokémon continued to fly around, spitting more flames at everything and anything in its path. Many forest Pokémon had ran away from the area due to the dangerous situation as well as the unearthly noise that belonged to Hydreigon. Iris made it back to the poachers’ site running full speed, she was glad to see them gone.
That could be worded a little better. There's two uses of "fire" in one sentence, and I would think the tree would be lit up if the fire was that close to it.
“Swabluuu,” the Pokémon frantically flew back toward Iris, struggling to stay mobile. The feathers on his body were charred, the fire had only grazed him but had done a significant amount of damage while trying to put the terrorizing creature to sleep. She caught the small bird and held him in her arms.
That second sentence is a bit confusing to read. It starts out okay but around "while trying to put the terrorizing creature to sleep" you start getting muddled. A way to fix this would be "...had done a significant amount of damage while he tried to put the creature to sleep."
Another general tip, try to stay consistent on tenses.
Iris looked down at the burnt feathers, Swablu couldn’t help but feel bad for the tears that were making ready to spill over the child’s eyelashes.
Rearrange the words in this sentence. It's a good line, but the wording is a little out of whack - try "Iris looked down at Swablu's burnt feathers, and Swablu couldn't help but feel bad over the tears Iris was about to shed."
“Rawwwwwrrr!” The blustering cry from the fully-evolved Dragon was a sign of attack as it expelled another burst of fire toward Swablu and Iris, the girl was surprised to look up and see she and the bird were not hit as the raging beast’s fire was intercepted by a similar attack.
“Druddigon!” The male Cave Pokémon came racing in and was the owner of the smaller flame that collided with it, making a strong eruption of power. The constant fire close-calls were starting to get to Iris though as she wiped the sweat from her forehead and did her best to console her injured friend in her arms.
Another line that's good in thought but suffers due to wording. Let me fix this one: first, I wouldn't have Druddigon say its whole name, because this causes the scene to become confusing due to it looking like Iris is speaking.
Or try this: ""Druddigon!" cried the male Cave Pokemon as he came racing in, having blocked Hydreigon's attack. Despite this, her constant close calls with the fire were starting to get to Iris, and she wiped the sweat from her forehead while consoling her injured friend."
“Drudd!” Iris couldn’t forget about the still agonized female Druddigon that limped with the help of her mate, she assumed she had made it to the village alright. The maiden looked up at the horrendous face of Hydreigon once more as it continued its rampage, trying kill anything that so much as moved, viewing it as an enemy.
Too many uses of "she." This is a problem because it creates confusion between Iris and the female Druddigon in the narration. Other than that, drop the "limped with the help of her mate" part and clarify the last part to make it clear that Hydreigon is viewing things as enemies instead of Iris. Otherwise, this one is good.
The Cave Pokémon stepped up to try and take on the destructive monstrosity, getting away from the other Dragon Villagers for their safety.
“I don’t know what I did, I thought he would listen if he got free....” she cuddled the poor soul who cooed softly in her arms while they watched the fighting Dragons.
Who is the one who got away from the other Dragon Villagers, Druddigon or Iris?
“Druddi!” The Pokémon had two cerulean claws ready to attack Hydreigon, the large creature leapt into the air and slashed violently. Hydreigon dodged the close-range attack however, the ability to fly made an earth-bound Pokémon’s job much harder. As the Cave Pokémon fell back to the ground his wings worked as a parachute to cushion the force of the fall.
Add "and" between "Hydreigon" and "the" in the first non-quote sentence. Move the comma in the second sentence to between "attack" and "however," and put a semicolon between "however" and "the."
A cluster of turquoise balls darted from the main head of Hydreigon, to counter Druddigon discharged globs of brown-purple filth that met and made an explosion that ripped through the air so hard Hydreigon was fanned back a significant amount. Druddigon was calm and cool and made sure to watch closely and leave no room for error.
"and" goes between "Hydreigon" and "to." Also, I think you could find better words for description here besides such things as "balls" and "globs", and the color description is a little bit clumsy-sounding.
Next up Hydreigon attempted to go in for a close-quarters attack by showing its vicious choppers and hurrying toward the Cave Pokémon. Iris saw the blood-stained fangs and cringed all the while getting more and more unnerved the longer the barbaric beast kept up its assault.
Remove "up," and don't use "choppers" as a synonym for "teeth" or "fangs." It's not a word that can be taken seriously easily.
Hydreigon chomped down on Druddigon, its grip was quickly broken, the inside of its mouth had been scissored by the rough, spiky skin of Druddigon. The red-and-blue creature retaliated by knocking the bleeding Dragon across the face with a Dragon Claw that forced it to the ground.
Second sentence is fine, but the first is a run-on with too many commas that needs to be broken up.
Iris saw blood leak from the Brutal Pokémon’s mouth and began to shiver. She cared about Druddigon and wanted him to survive but she didn’t want harm to come to Hydreigon either. The battle was turning into a very scary, deadly sight.
Druddigon made ready to go in for another Dragon Claw though the incoming Pokémon was hit by a Flamethrower that forced him to the ground after he jumped.
Hydreigon’s body and eyes glowed a deep red as he raced at Druddigon and unleashed all of his rage in the form of punching and thrashing that the Pokémon did his best to endure. It wasn’t easy, gradually the Cave Pokémon gave way and fell while Hydreigon’s Outrage continued to batter him.
“Raawwrrr!” After the storm of hits had ended Hydreigon rose to the air menacingly and readied a Flamethrower to finish Druddigon for good.
“Don’t do it! Please!” Iris’s face was covered with tears that dropped lightly on Swablu who had blacked-out some moments prior. The trapped flames overflowed from the monster’s mouth and Iris gave one last futile scream before the attack was fully charged, just when Hydreigon made ready to let loose the move.
“Brrrrraugh!” it was boxed in the face by a fiery fist.
“Dragonite!” Iris’s tears ceased momentarily.
“I’m so glad you’re okay!” Mira came running in behind Iris, bending down on her knees and hugging her graciously with tears running down her face. Ryuu appeared behind his daughter and glared up at the Hydreigon. Before it could even react to the Fire Punch, a Dragon Claw smashed into its stomach.
This is good, but you need some description beyond "boxed in the face by a fiery fist" to indicate Dragonite's arrival. That part was rather hard to follow.
“Rawwwrr!” The rage continued as Hydreigon created another Flamethrower.
“End this Dragonite! Thunderbolt! Shelgon, Hydro Pump!” Ryuu commanded.
Iris looked over to see Mira’s Pokémon was indeed there as well, she hadn’t even noticed. The Dragon Pokémon generated a storm of electricity that zapped Hydreigon complemented by a pump of water from the Endurance Pokémon that amplified the attack. The Brutal Pokémon was unable to spew flames, it also struggled to move as sparks surged from its body.
Using species names to describe all three of the Pokemon is a little confusing, especially with Dragonite, who is just the "Dragon" Pokemon - something all of them technically are.
“Paralysis,” the man pulled out a Poké Ball similar to the one Baron had, “Ultra Ball, Hydreigon!” Ryuu launched the capsule at the Dragon and the strong sphere forced the beaten-up Brutal Pokémon inside. There was an internal struggle that caused the sphere to wiggle for a few seconds but it soon stopped as indicated by a small spring of sparkles popped from it.
“It’s all over,” Ryuu closed his eyes and looked at the surrounding area, surveying the damage.
“Ryuu,” Iris bawled softly while making her way over to her caretaker with Swablu still in her arms. “Is Druddigon going to be okay?!” Ryuu didn’t have the heart to try to sugarcoat anything so he simply said.
“I don’t know,” solemnly as he marched over to the severely hurt Cave Pokémon with Iris following closely behind.
"Bawled" isn't really a word that lends itself to a soft sound. "Whimpered" would probably be better.
Having the description of Ryuu's emotions and his action ("simply said") on a line separate from his actual dialogue, which the action descriptor is describing, isn't correct. The way you worded those parts, Ryuu's dialogue should be together with the description.
“What about Swablu?!” she held out her palms with the bird peacefully sleeping in them.
“Don’t worry about this, leave it to me.” The elder man went over the Druddigon and put him inside a Poké Ball. Mira picked up the captured Hydreigon’s Ultra Ball and pocketed it.
“Iris, let’s go home,” Mira said with tears still pooled in her eyes from reuniting with Iris. “Give Swablu to me,” Iris handed her the senseless Pokémon with care.
"Senseless" isn't the right word to describe Swablu here, but I'm not entirely sure what it is you're going for so I can't really give you good advice on what to use to replace it.
“Dragonite, this is urgent!” Ryuu called to his guardian, ready to take flight, securing Swablu and the Ultra Ball from Mira with Druddigon’s Poké Ball as well. “I promise I’ll do everything I can.” He left her with few words while Dragonite raced off to the village with an earnest sense of urgency.
“Let’s go Iris, we’ll walk together,” The young girl sobbed with Mira putting her arm around her shoulder benevolently.
Restate the description after Mira's line so it sounds a bit smoother; try something like "Iris was sobbing, so Mira put her arm around her friend's shoulder as they walked."
Iris stood outside the medical tent set-up near Ryuu’s clinic, unsurprisingly, quite a few people were concerned for her and welcomed her back with hugs and smiles. Though there was no reason to celebrate or be happy, inside the setup facility was her mentor himself performing critical surgery on Druddigon. The Cave Pokémon certainly had taken a lot of detriment from Hydreigon.
That comma between "clinic" and "unsurprisingly" would probably work better as a semicolon. "However" would sound better than "though" at the beginning of the second sentence, with a comma after it. "As" or "for" should be between "happy" and "inside." "Detriment" isn't the kind of word I'd use in this context; try something that more directly means injury or physical damage.
“Swa,” the tiny bird swooped in with bandages around his body.
“I’m glad you’re okay, I feel really guilty.”
“Swabluululu,” the Pokémon tried to snap Iris out of her saddened mood. Mira appeared from the tent abruptly.
“Well, the female Druddigon’s wounds have been treated, though most of the pain had to do with what’s in her stomach,” Mira explained.
Well, that explains the male Druddigon's urgent need to protect her. Nice little twist there.
“Are you saying?” Iris’s eyes widened.
“She’s pregnant and due in a little while, can’t give an estimate on her time. Though I’m sure the egg will make it out fine, despite the amount of abuse she suffered...” Mira bit her lip.
“Mira, I need your assistance!” Ryuu called for his daughter to return.
“Be right back.”
“She’s pregnant and the baby’s gonna be okay, that’s the one good thing to come out of this,” Iris chatted with the Cotton Bird Pokémon. She was getting tired, she didn’t leave the medical tent but simply sat down near the entrance and rested her eyes until she fell into a warm, light nap with Swablu nestled in her arms.
In this part, I particularly like the last lines, the ones that focus on Iris until she falls asleep. It's subtle, but we get a look there at the part of Iris's personality that is unsure and seems a bit frustrated about being unable to do anything.
“Iris.....psh...Iris. Daddy needs you to come into the tent,” Iris rubbed her eyes until the blur disappeared revealing the tan face of Mira. She did what was told without a word, mostly due to her groggy state.
“Iris...” Ryuu bit his tongue. “I need you to say goodbye to Druddigon...” Iris’s face immediately lost its color as it was obvious what she was about to do.
“No tears,” Mira bent down to the child’s level. “Druddigon wants to hear your voice," she said as the young girl walked over to the being as Ryuu stood by.
“Druddigon, I’m so so sorry. I’m was stupid to think that Dragon would help us and now you’re like this!” she wiped the drops of water from her face. Ryuu placed his hand on the Cave Pokemon’s chest and closed his eyes.
“He says that you made a mistake, that’s okay. He was glad that before his mate left this world she was able to give birth to the egg containing their child safely,” Ryuu translated. Iris immediately came to the realization that from that news the female Druddigon passed away while in labor.
“What have I done?” Iris fell to her knees, putting her face to the floor and sobbing loudly. “There’s nothing I can do to apologize!” Iris’s guilt nearly overtook her while the man did his best to keep his composure and continue translating.
“Don’t worry about that at all. Just promise to be good friends with my kid,” The Cave Pokémon smirked as Ryuu said that, Mira lifted Iris up from the ground and handed her a red and blue egg with a crooked yellow pattern running through the middle from left to right. Iris gaped down at the egg, halting her crying.
“Ryuu, I thought Druddigon wanted to continue on. I thought I understood.”
“No,” Ryuu was stern but calm, “If you really had understood Druddigon’s heart you would have realized that his wishes were to end the pain. Druddigon has suffered many serious injuries beyond repair, even attempting to live would be a burden on him. There would have to be surgeries often every few years or possibly months, foods he wouldn’t be able to eat at all, I’m not even sure if he could ever walk again. Being a wild Pokémon, that’s a necessity for life.”
Iris felt even more terrible about what had happened, though Druddigon was looking at her with a sympathetic face that told her not to weep any further.
Still, with the Druddigon-themed egg in her hands, she slumped and looked at a table, sitting there was the Ultra Ball. Mira looked at Iris warmly.
“If you want to know, that Dragon is called Hydreigon and I’m almost positive it isn’t from around here in the main village. Probably lives in a den somewhere and it’s going to be okay, that species is known for their power and resilience.” Mira informed, Iris forgot about the Brutal Pokémon for a second and just observed the Cave Pokémon.
“Goodbye, Druddigon,” Iris said one last time, still caressing the egg that contained the Dragon life as she fell asleep from sheer exhaustion right then and there. She had been completely worn-out and mentally drained, trying to fight to stay awake would have been a meaningless struggle.
After that event Iris learned a lot. She learned about the evil within humans and the evil within Pokémon. She learned about life and death a bit more. Her own ideals about cherishing what was near and dear to her were strengthened that day. She learned about never taking life for granted. One thing in particular stuck out to Iris, the one thing she knew. She had never feared a Dragon in her life, she thought she had warm feelings for nearly all Dragons she encountered, however, now she knew that wasn’t the case.
That was intense. I didn't want to comment on any turns in the story and break up that scene, because it was perfect. I think this scene was a perfect summary of just what everything this story is about - Iris having to learn some rough lessons about life, and seeing that not everything goes right but conversely that some clouds do indeed have silver linings. Very emotionally intense.
I also noticed an improvement in the writing technique for this final scene. I have to mention that, because if you can apply lessons from writing that scene to the rest of the future chapters, things will improve greatly.
I hope you don't take this review the wrong way because I primarily focused on advice regarding technical aspects. I truly did enjoy the chapter for its content; Iris was so perfectly in-character that I could easily see her growing into her eventual canon self, and the trials she was forced to face were truly intense in both a physical and an emotional sense. The Druddigon scene at the end was especially gut-wrenching, yet you could see Iris growing even while it was playing out.
Hello there, I'm re-reviewing chapter three for the review game.
Opening: I don't think you need to mention that it's night in the opening of this chapter because following the description of the sky and how dark it is in the forest, readers can already figure out for themselves that it's night. You should cut The night was pitch black part and open with The darkness surely would have enveloped the forest...
Scene: I liked the dark scene because it makes a good contrast with the confident Iris and how it rubs off on Swablu who acts very adorable in this chapter.
“Great, fly over there and put him to sleep and I’ll sneak over and free the Dragons. It’ll be easy,” Iris said confident in her plan, Swablu was still wary of the idea though given it seemed like it would work in Iris’s head. Actually executing it would be a whole different story however.
This part really lives up to it's title which is why I really enjoyed the scene in this part.
Ending: All the action in the fic gave it a really good conclusion to the chapter. I think the ending is my favourite part of the chapter because of how sharply it reads out to me. Iris really had a strong reality check there.
Enjoyment: As you may have already known, I really enjoy the story so far because I enjoy Iris as a character and I find it refreshing the way you write her. You've left open many brilliant routes for some very good character development for Iris.
It was strong, true, but something she simply ignored while she focused on the main cause for concern - the Dragons - she didn't really get as huge an impact of it until that moment.
A funnel or point so to speak, I should have made that clearer.
I have to say, I'm kind of surprised that it's a Hydreigon. I thought for a while that you might have been playing loosely with the definition of "dragon" and that it would be a Charizard.
Picking Hydreigon for this role was easy, given their natural instinct for chaos and destruction. I also felt like it would convey much more intense feeling given the rather monstrous appearance of the Pokemon itself. Charizard wouldn't really work for what I have planned for this little plot with the Pokemon itself later down the road.
I think the cry would read in a more menacing way if you used "dreiii" or some other variant taken from Hydreigon's name.
I was actually planning to do that at first, one of the reasons I was against it is because some Pokemon don't actually scream their names. I figured it would be better since Hydreigon is going wild and crazy and naturally, in the anime for example, Hydreigon don't actually say their names like other Pokemon do at some points. It's more of a generic roar, though thank you for the advice on it. I'll keep it in mind for the future.
Indeed it is Outrage, I'll convey attacks in a few different ways depending on what Pokemon is using it. For example, the Dragonair line is known for their ability to control weather so an Outrage from them(When they're really out-of-control and/or extremely powerful as this Hydreigon) would be vastly different from an Outrage from a Hydreigon.
Also, I really like the little side bit with the Druddigon. It's not a major part of the story, but it gives the reader a little look into how these creatures operate in their own internal society.
Thanks, the Village of Dragon isn't even prominent in-game so I did borrow from other sources of canon at times. Though the Dragon Village in this fic. still has quite a few differences from the anime's, for example this one houses a few foreign Pokemon and foreign Dragons. Being outside of Unova and the natural presence of it being a sanctuary for Dragons, I figured it was for the best. Though there aren't that many non-Unova non-Dragon Pokemon there but, still a few.(The Vigoroth family is the only one that has appeared thus far) Naturally, Ryuu imported some Dragons from other locations and trainers came back and forth between the village with different species of Dragon families slowly populating the areas further.(Trapinch, Swablu, Shelgon, etc.) There are quite a few of them en masse(Druddigon). Even Ryuu's Dragonite is the only known Dragonite in the Village of Dragons and there are some very rare ones.(Charmander)
I like it when villains use this logic, because if you think about it, it's correct. If he catches Hydreigon it does technically belong to him.
My main problem with Baron is he's more of a generic villain than anything, typical bad guy does bad things for money type guy. It's not a main cause for concern since, looking back, he and the poachers were more of plot-devices than anything for the impending set-up waiting in the future. Though I still at least tried to make him somewhat entertaining, if anything.
I feel you need more description of Iris traveling around, because this feels really abrupt to have her moving long distances so fast.
Oh, yes, pacing has always been one of main pieces of folly I've been trying to be wary of. Thank you for it out because it's really helpful and tells me what I need to keep an eye on.
Well, that explains the male Druddigon's urgent need to protect her. Nice little twist there.
It's mostly my attempt to tie things to canon in a somewhat interesting way.
In this part, I particularly like the last lines, the ones that focus on Iris until she falls asleep. It's subtle, but we get a look there at the part of Iris's personality that is unsure and seems a bit frustrated about being unable to do anything.
Considering I've always been, once again, hesitant of how to write scenes of inner weakness this is good to know.
That was intense. I didn't want to comment on any turns in the story and break up that scene, because it was perfect. I think this scene was a perfect summary of just what everything this story is about - Iris having to learn some rough lessons about life, and seeing that not everything goes right but conversely that some clouds do indeed have silver linings. Very emotionally intense.
I also noticed an improvement in the writing technique for this final scene. I have to mention that, because if you can apply lessons from writing that scene to the rest of the future chapters, things will improve greatly.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the review, criticism is expected in a review of a fic. and I appreciate the fact I get it. As I've said before, good critique really can be hard to come by and this review you offered gave me quite a few aspects of things I have been and am working harder toward making better. Even though I didn't reply to your grammatical quotes, I very muck acknowledge them and are keeping the errors I made in mind for the future.
I truly did enjoy the chapter for its content; Iris was so perfectly in-character that I could easily see her growing into her eventual canon self, and the trials she was forced to face were truly intense in both a physical and an emotional sense. The Druddigon scene at the end was especially gut-wrenching, yet you could see Iris growing even while it was playing out.
I appreciate that, I actually didn't expect the Druddigon scene to have any impact given the readers weren't really connected to the Pokemon themselves.
Still, thank you very much for this review and I'm very glad you took the time to write it out and read my story.
Scene: I liked the dark scene because it makes a good contrast with the confident Iris and how it rubs off on Swablu who acts very adorable in this chapter.
Ending: All the action in the fic gave it a really good conclusion to the chapter. I think the ending is my favourite part of the chapter because of how sharply it reads out to me. Iris really had a strong reality check there.
That was the plan, indeed, things don't always go as expected and in real life there are consequences for reckless actions. Even if the reckless actions have good intentions, she helped free the Dragons at the cost of the life of the two Druddigon she cared so much about and gaining a new found outlook on a certain Dragon-type. However, there were still some successes in the reckless behavior, saving the egg of the parents and ultimately saving the Dragons.
Enjoyment: As you may have already known, I really enjoy the story so far because I enjoy Iris as a character and I find it refreshing the way you write her. You've left open many brilliant routes for some very good character development for Iris.
A/N:Here we go, I hit the ground running a bit. The aftermath of everything and the leap toward Iris's future with Drayden. I am bit nervous about a few idea I implemented in this chapter, though it took a while and I appreciate any and all criticism I can get.
Chapter 4 A Future Beyond the Village!
“Welcome to the Village of Dragons! I hope you all enjoyed your time on Virbank City Virga Traveling! Where destinations near, in, and around Unova are just a boat ride away!”
The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people disembarking from the ferry. One man took his time leaving the boat, as he took in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky.
One thing he noticed immediately was how much more life was in the area around the village compared to before. He speculated that the population of dragons must have gone up greatly over the years.
“Ryuu’s clearly found success in his endeavor....” Drayden kept examining the world around him.
It was a very nice day for the residents of the village; the weather was akin to something Drayden might see in the tropical climate of Undella Town. Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business and idle downtime was the last thing on the man’s mind.
As a trainer and person who was committed to the development of imperative aspects in his life, he was pursuing strength in multiple ways, both as a trainer and as an individual.
Drayden had traveled all over the world looking for a successor, even faraway areas like Kanto and Sinnoh, and had yet to come across one person to catch his eye.
His ultimate goal of finding a certain someone had reached its end the day he met her. Who that someone was, he simply didn’t know for the longest of time however, meeting her and being around her so long had finally made Drayden fully realize she was the one.
The man decided to return to Unova and go back to basics a bit. It was ironic the remote Village of Dragons right outside the Unova Region was the destination where his search concluded.
His old stomping grounds he often spent time at during his youth was a very fitting place to survey if he truly wanted to find exceptional trainers, he had an old friend that lived in the village after all.
His companion had been a very amazing trainer in many regards and areas, unfortunately, he had never truly fostered his talents and brought out his latent potential in the same way Drayden had.
Training and honing his own skills through experiencing the world made Drayden as strong as he was today, in mind and body. He would take on the job of bestowing his blessing on one special person who he was there to pick up. Drayden wasted no time making it toward Ryuu’s house.
-:-
“Yahoooo!” Iris yelled while careening from a branch, landing on the ground with ease. It didn’t matter how many times she would do that, there was always something freeing about vine-swinging that made her enjoy it so much. The feeling of flying was serene, yet exciting, the fun it gave her couldn’t be duplicated.
“You should try this buddy! I checked over there, I didn’t find any really good looking flowers though I got us something to eat.”
Iris’s Pokémon’s rough, red face showed a cheery grin, in her burly blue arms were a vast assortment of freshly-picked flowers. Iris pulled two Oran Berries from her pocket. She walked over and fed the Druddigon one while she took a bite out of the other. Both relished the juicy, sweetness of the fruit while staring at the batch of newly found plants in her Pokémon’s arms.
“Those are all nice.” Iris marveled at them, “Sorry, I wasn’t too much help, I got sidetracked when I got hungry,” she continued to talk partly with her mouth full of pieces of chewed up Oran, wiping the juices from her mouth as she finished the last of it.
“Speaking of being sidetracked, I can’t be late today, that’s a sure thing. It would look bad since it’s my last test, remember?” she said simply to her beloved Pokémon. “There’s no telling what Ryuu’s got up his sleeve, it could even be a battle against Dragonite. Imagine if you had to beat one of Ryuu’s Pokémon in order for me to pass, Dragonite maybe? Imagine, starter versus starter!”
Druddigon looked visually unnerved by the idea of having to face off against Ryuu’s powerhouse, she knew the full-extent of Dragonite’s strength. In training sessions, Iris’s mentor wouldn’t even have his Pokémon use half of his normal dynamism, as the younger creature would easily be overwhelmed by the much more experienced Dragon.
“Druddi,” the Pokémon attempted to protest against the idea, going up against the benevolent monstrosity, seriously, might cause her to faint on the spot. Iris was too wrapped up in her own enthusiasm however to notice.
“After that I’ll officially be an official trainer who can catch official Pokémon and have battles being judged by official....officials,” that comment managed to elicit a light-hearted smirk from her mild-mannered beast. “Still can’t believe I got you two years ago....has it really been that long?”
The girl looked up to the much taller Druddigon, she had come a long way from when she was just an infant Dragon. Iris had watched over her egg like a mother, and the day she hatched Iris formed a connection with her. Doing many things with her: training her, bathing her, feeding her, and even sleeping next to her at night.
The fact she had cared so much for Druddigon since then is what led to her even being the fine Dragon she was today. Ryuu and Mira played a large role in that as well since Iris, despite tending to act more than her age at times, was only still a child herself.
Since then Iris had sprouted a more than noticeable amount compared to her previously diminutive height. She hadn’t just changed in size either, she had a notable increase in maturity as a person. That mostly had to do with, once again, being under the watchful eyes of Mira and Ryuu, who both cared for her unconditionally.
“It’s all so exciting, I feel like I’m gonna explode. Let’s go ahead and do what we need to do and then we can go on to Ryuu’s!”
Druddigon just smiled while carrying the flowers in her arms, Iris ran full-speed toward where they had to go. The Cave Pokémon began to fall behind and threw caution to the wind in regards to the flowers and powered on alongside her trainer with all the speed she could muster.
“No way I’m losing!” Iris jetted past her Pokémon, who was barely keeping up. In a matter of minutes the pair of young girls had made it to their short-distanced destination, both labored for breathing as they slowed to a gradual walk and took in the sights a bit.
The sky had turned cloudless in the trek toward the area for their small task, allowing more rays of sunlight to grace the empty area with their presence. It was almost completely surrounded by many beautiful, white lilies that Iris always was told, by Mira, were planted there to symbolize something more.
To make a statement about the area...to show just how much that place meant to the villagers, to show how much they strived to truly work alongside Dragons compared to the old days and how they had changed for the better.
Iris and Druddigon trudged through the flowers and came upon two lumpy mounds of dirt. It seemed like no matter how many times they would visit the area those dirt piles would remain unchanged.
The young girl was almost sure she could remember every speck of dirt around them, not even a stone could go unturned without her noticing. That’s just how much the range of area meant to her, it was simply the essence of life in her eyes.
She secured the flowers from the young Pokémon’s arms and proceeded to place one of the sweet-smelling daisies on the left mound of soil. One by one she, carefully, placed the flora on the respected spot until she was down to one. Each side had an equal amount of flowers, so the very last one went right between the two graves without hesitation, somehow it felt right to her to do that.
“This is probably gonna be our last day here for a while,” the young girl said as she patted her brawny friend’s head, trying to suppress her slightly shakened demeanor and faced the graves. “We’ll both keep training no matter what. I thought it was amazing how Ryuu was able to make you open your hearts to him so quickly, I realized the only way he was able to do that is because of how long he had been working toward it, Drayden told me that. I’m gonna be able to do the same perfectly someday, if I do it like him I’ll be able to be understand more Dragons better. That’s why I’ll keep trying.”
Iris's eyes were slightly watery as she finished her spiel directed at the heavens. However, she quickly suppressed this small slip in her emotions.
Druddigon had no words for the occasion, opting to stay silent as she was unable to conjure any truly meaningful emotions.
Even though they were her parents, the Pokémon didn’t feel much emotion about hovering near their graves in the same way Iris did. Druddigon didn’t know her parents and thus didn’t have any type of connection with them and couldn’t really feel any deep feelings.
A lot of Pokémon that came from eggs didn’t even get to meet their parents, so it was hardly a travesty for her that she didn’t have the opportunity to be raised by two of her own kind. Iris(and Ryuu and Mira), filled that role very well.
In all honesty they might as well have been two complete strangers to her, it did make her feel awkward to see Iris get so distraught by seeing them while she, herself, simply remained emotionless.
The death of the Dragon’s mother and father was due to the devious actions of a gang of Pokémon thieves, Iris remembered it all too well. If she ever came across those low-life poachers, even one of them, ever again she would teach them a lesson for sure and get back at them for their awful deed.
Expecting to ever see the poachers again seemed like little more than a pipe dream given that they last were seen two years ago, Iris likely would never come across them again in her life.
The father had suffered critical injuries from dealing with a raging Hydreigon and the mother had taken a very brutal whipping, coupled with her being pregnant, she reached her limit quickly. It was especially painful and emotionally taxing with trying to protect her unborn child.
She remembered the father requested one thing of Iris before being euthanized and, completely sticking to what the papa Dragon’s last wishes were, Iris took very good care of his child.
She showered the Cave Pokémon with love and affection and for Iris, being an eager child herself, a natural sense of cheery behavior and care emanated from her when it came to interacting with her first ever Pokémon.
Druddigon was unofficially Iris’s starter Pokémon, having no Poké Ball to show for it, but battling under her command loyally, more than willing to follow her orders like a true captured Pokémon would.
Normally such Pokémon were hard to control right off the bat, the fact Iris had deepened her relationship with her since her birth two years ago was the only reason she was even allowed to use such a Pokémon.
Smaller Pokémon were usually the norm for children for a reason, specifically, due to them being easy to control and fairly weak, posing little to no threat to an inexperienced owner. Ryuu was willing to grant some leeway given the circumstances behind Iris obtaining Druddigon and his close supervision.
The young girl got up off of the ground and looked up at the sky, a renewed sense of motivation seemed to overtake her as she jumped in the air and shouted.
“First I’ll clear my final test with Ryuu, then it’s toward Unova with Drayden!”
Both of the young souls headed toward Iris’s caretaker’s home, leaving the resting place of the deceased creatures behind, but still as Iris left, she couldn’t help but think back to when she had met that man. The Unova Gym Leader and mayor of Opelucid.
The one who had the potential to change her life.
~:~
Eight months after the horrific disaster that befell the Dragon Village had come and gone, the meeting of an important figure in Iris’s life was approaching.
“Okay, Druddigon, let’s go!”
Iris stood on one side of the battlefield with a young man opposite her position, judging the battle was Drayden. A small group of people had gathered around to watch as the battle raged on in the middle of the Dragon Village, both Pokémon were reaching their limits. On command the Cave Pokémon dashed towards its monkey adversary.
“Oh no you don’t! Vigoroth, Round!” the auburn-haired teen screeched. Vigoroth inhaled once and yelled out violently, a wide soundwave washed over the Dragon-type, stopping her advance quickly as she forced her palms over her ears in pain. “Yes! Bullseye!”
”Could this be it?” Drayden continued to watch.
“Come on buddy! This isn’t over yet,” Iris encouraged her Pokémon the best she could, the motivation from this managed to help Druddigon pull together all the reserve she had and bore the pain. “Let’s use Dragon Rage!”
The Cave Pokémon, with as much heart as she could put into it, managed to rip out of her pained state and shoot a blast of indigo, fire-mixed electricity that exploded against the Wild Monkey Pokémon and knocked him out.
“Vigoroth is unable to battle! The winner is Druddigon and the victory goes to Iris!” Drayden announced.
“Yay, we did it!” Iris ran over and, recklessly, jumped onto her Pokémon’s stomach and hugged her tightly. Even though Druddigon had a striking appearance, she was only just a child and easily thrilled over the praise she got from her trainer.
The young girl managed to bring out the best in her Pokémon in battle and stay strong throughout the whole thing alongside her like a trainer should, that’s just how strong their bond was.
”Interesting, she was almost completely at one with her Druddigon during that match.”
Drayden smiled lightly as the girl walked over to congratulate her opponent, who had enjoyed the battle despite the outcome. The man decided to greet the young lady, he walked over with vigor.
“That was quite the battle, Iris,” Drayden bent down and smiled at her.
“Thanks for refereeing the battle, mister, I’m glad you showed up you were a big help.”
“It was absolutely no problem, if possible, could I meet your parents?” Drayden asked while turning toward Druddigon as well.
“My parents? Um....okay,” she said nervously as she fiddled with her fingers. “I’ll lead the way.”
~:~
“Drayden?!” Mira came over hastily, almost slipping on the freshly mopped floor of the clinic in the process.
The last thing her or her father expected was to come face to face with the muscular man with hair the color of fresh snow. Mira’s eyes widened to see the person at the door was very much the Spartan Mayor, in a flash, her attitude seemed to to turn sour as she stared directly into his yellow eyes.
“If it isn’t Drayden, I see you got our eight month old SOS!” her comment was laced with anger.
“Mira,” Ryuu started.
“I was so sure you were just late, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking!”
“Stop,” Ryuu silenced his daughter in a commanding tone as if she was an ill-mannered toddler. “Welcome, come in, this certainly is a surprise....”
“Thank you, it’s a pleasure,” Drayden replied, he walked into the clinic and took a seat on the couch in the commons area with Ryuu taking a seat on the chair opposite it. He motioned to Mira to leave before he turned back to Drayden, the parent knew his daughter would end up spitting even more rude comments out if she remained in the visitor’s presence. “I see your daughter has grown up.....”
“She has,” Ryuu said, embarrassed, knowing fully well Mira’s, not-so-subtle, angry remarks were not lost on the Spartan Mayor in the slightest. “So, what are you doing here in the Village of Dragons? Last time I saw you was back during the old days.....”
Drayden shrugged, to answer Ryuu’s question, he simply stuck his purple-gloved hand into his pocket and pulled out a small metal object. A golden border zigzagged unevenly around the small trinket and the inside of it was grayed with a small ruby planted nearly at the center.
“I’m here to find an heir...so to speak,” Drayden was quick and to the point about his plans.
“The Legend Badge! I guess you really have become a something of a legend yourself. It goes without saying what one has to accomplish to become the leader of Opelucid Gym, amazing. What do you mean by ‘heir’ when you say it?”
Drayden closed his eyes and opened them again, looking at Ryuu directly and spoke in an earnest tone.
“Exactly as it sounds, a successor, an apprentice, a student who I can train to become a successful trainer and possibly the future co-Opelucid Gym Leader.”
“Gym Leader?! Of Opelucid!”
“I’m sure you know that as the mayor and Gym Leader of Opelucid I lead a very demanding lifestyle, naturally, I’ll be offering a scholarship to an exceptional trainer who I can find to come and live in Opelucid City and learn under me in the future.”
Drayden scratched the white shocks of hair that curled around his face, almost like a Druddigon’s jaw.
“Why the Village of Dragons?” there was a true sense of curiosity about why Drayden chose to come to the village to seek a strong, young trainer. “A lot of strong trainers often leave the village at a certain age to go venture out into the world.”
“You’re one of the exceptions to that however, and I imagine this village hasn’t run dry of any talented young people,” Drayden said, “In fact, unless my eyes deceive me, Iris is a perfect example of a young trainer with promise.”
“Iris?” Ryuu parroted back questionably.
“Yes, I was surprised when she told me you were her legal guardian and pointed me toward your clinic of all places.”
“Um....” Ryuu stuttered and did his best to keep an honest expression. “We-”
Ryuu was cut off by light knocking at the door. It kept knocking rather rhythmically until Ryuu got up, took hold of the handle and opened it.
“Hey, Ryuu!” Iris grinned as she greeted her guardian and looked over toward Drayden, meeting her gaze with his. “Hey, mister, Ryuu that guy’s from Unova and he helped referee one of my battles today!”
“It’s was a pleasure,” Drayden said while smiling modestly to Iris as he turned back to Ryuu. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the little one you hold in such high regard that you told me about.”
“Yes, the very same one,” the man confirmed.
“So, she’s the one who got involved in that incident and had you and your daughter so worked up,” Drayden said quizzingly. “Unfortunately I couldn’t come, Iris, I was away at the time in Sinnoh and I apologize for that and your losses.”
”He’s the one who was going to come and help?!” Iris was shocked. “N-no problem!”
“It’s okay, Drayden, I already informed her quite a long while ago, she never knew your name however. She really loves Dragons a great deal and shows promise, that’s one of the reasons I’ve been teaching her so much so she may become exceptional. I think Iris shows a talent for training Dragons well, her Druddigon is a very competent Pokémon for its age.”
“Tell me more....” Drayden’s interest had been peaked, Iris remained silent as she stood there and absorbed the words Ryuu said, even though she wouldn’t admit it she loved hearing the compliments.
“I think she has a natural connection to Dragons, you see, Iris’s ancestor was a woman named Siria. There was a time where Dragons and humans here in the village fought day and night, sometimes to the death.....Siria was the one who tamed the first Dragons. She did this, not by violence or conflict, but by imploring a method known as trying to understand their hearts. It’s believed to be an ability learned by some to understand Dragon Pokémon. As you already know, I can do this.”
“She can do this as well?” Drayden raised a right eyebrow and clasped both his hands together.
“Well, it’s hard to explain, she’s shown a natural connection to Dragons so I think so. That skill needs honing and I simply don’t think it could be fostered just staying here cooped up in the village.”
“I’m curious, what is this child doing with you?” Drayden remarked.
“She was entrusted to me...” Ryuu hesitated slightly but answered with a heavy heart, this made Iris turn her head sharply and stare at her mentor for a few seconds. A short moment of silenced developed while Drayden looked down and thought.
”A child who shows an exceptional ability to train Dragon Pokémon at such a young age and that can understand them on such a personal level, it almost sounds like fiction.”
“I truly believe you could benefit from allowing Iris the chance to be your apprentice, please.”
“I believe your words are sincere, if she truly is as noteworthy as you say I’ll make an effort to visit the village more often to see more of her. I’ve already seen an example of her abilities today.”
“Isn’t that great, Iris?” Ryuu grinned heavily.
“U-Uhh...sure!” Iris hesitantly replied.
One Week Later.....
“Use Dragon Tail!”
“Haxooor!”
The monstrous Pokémon, the color of an aged forest, rotated swiftly while smashing his massive reptilian tail into a Slaking. This caused the Lazy Pokémon to be knocked off his feet and hit the ground unconscious.
“This sucks,” the young woman said as her Pokémon returned to his ball. “See ya later....” she walked away, Drayden looked over as he heard rustling in the bush behind him.
“You can come out,” he spoke while he patted his Haxorus on the head for yet another job well done in battle.
“Hahaha...” Iris laughed in embarrassment as she sprang out of hiding.
“Why do you keep training where I train and then hiding when you think I don’t see you?”
“Well, you see, about that, I thought your Haxorus might be hungry....” Iris pulled a light-blue piece of fruit from her pocket. “Dragons around here love Yache Berries,” she offered which caused the man to smile as he bent down and graciously accepted the fruit.
“Thank you for your consideration,” he fed it to his strongest Pokémon, who was clearly enjoying his snack.
“Haxorus is one of the coolest Dragons I’ve ever seen....” she couldn’t take her eyes off the beast as he continued to munch on the sour Berry.
“Why don’t you see up close then?” Drayden picked up Iris and put her in range of the Axe Jaw Pokémon’s face, the Dragon smiled at her as she rubbed his scaly head.
“Hahaha,” Iris giggled as, in response, he began to lick her face after swallowing the last of the fruit.
~:~
Two weeks later
“I still couldn’t do it.....” Iris sat in the tree within the forest as she sulked over her latest try, at reading a Dragon Pokémon’s heart, failing once more.
“Iris!” Drayden shouted in concern as he dashed along. “There you are....” Drayden peered up into the thickness of the tree and spotted her in hiding. “Why did you run away?”
“You saw, I failed. I can’t even read their hearts...”
“You must not fear failure, it’s a part of life. Don’t be so unnerved by something so minuscule.”
“Why would you want me to be your apprentice if I can’t do even that?”
“You know, there’s no need to try and act so mature. You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you, as I said before, failure is something that is unavoidable. You can get upset over it every time it happens or you can learn to deal with it and move on.”
Iris remained silent as she sat on the branch and avoided eye contact with the Spartan Mayor, not wanting him to see a moment of weakness in her.
“I have a story to tell you. Just listen to it,” Drayden said commandingly. Iris climbed down the tree and listened to Drayden as he squatted down to her level to make sure his words got across clearly and effectively.
“There’s a legend of a Pokémon known as Magikarp, I’m sure you know what a Magikarp is. It is said that there was a Magikarp that so desperately tried to swim up a waterfall and kept continuously failing and being washed away by the strong current. The Magikarp, after a lot of perseverance and trying, finally made it upstream.”
“What happened next?” Iris asked curiously.
“The Magikarp, when upstream, finally made a grand, brave leap over the waterfall. Upon doing this the Magikarp landed at the bottom and resurfaced as a Gyarados. They say a Gyarados’s large, conspicuous scales indicate its origin from a Magikarp.”
“It evolved?”
“Yes, because Magikarp worked so hard and jumped over the waterfall which was known as the Dragon Gate in legend. It’s one of the reasons many believe Magikarp today evolve into Gyarados.”
“So, I can one day read the hearts of Dragons?” Iris’s eyes brightened up.
“If your ancestors can do it and Ryuu can do it, I believe you could as well. However, that doesn’t mean flying off when you fail, you must move on from it and grow.”
“Thank you!” Iris ran up to the man and embraced him happily, she was thankful for the reassurance.
“Let’s go back to the village,” Drayden and Iris walked together, the young girl staying tugged to his arm as they did.
~:~
”Those were the days, the days where I first met Drayden.”
The Spartan Mayor kept coming back to the Dragon Village to observe Iris and talk with her before officially deciding to adopt her from Ryuu. Today was the day where she would have her final test under her current mentor before going to live with Drayden.
“I can’t believe this is really it, it’s been a long time coming but I’m ready!” Iris jumped in the air and shouted with spirit, this managed to make Druddigon feel hyped.
“Dru!”
“We’re both gonna see so many new things and meet so many new people, I can’t wait!”
Iris and Druddigon finally came upon Ryuu’s clinic and Iris instinctively walked into it without even knocking while the Cave Pokémon stayed outside.
“I’m here! Ready for my final test!” she shouted, the noise resonating so loud that Altaria woke up in a nasty fit. Even looking at Altaria, Iris remembered the same thing would happen when he was just a Swablu.
“Sorry Altaria,” Iris said while holding her palms up defensively, the cloud-bodied Pokémon went back to sleep.
“As loud as always I see,” Ryuu appeared from the backroom with Mira following closely behind.
“The test is ready,” Mira said as she went over next to Iris. “Are you?”
“Completely, I can do this, I’ll take anything you throw at me.”
“That’s a good attitude to have, Drayden is on his way right now. Mira packed all your bags and everything you’ll need. Unova is gonna be an amazing experience for you, you’ll grow more than you ever could have in this village.”
“I’m gonna miss you so much, it’s not gonna be the same without your bubbly face greeting me everyday,” Mira hugged the young girl.
“Mira you have another kid to worry about, remember?” Iris patted her sister-like figure’s stomach as they both broke into laughs.
“Let’s get this underway, I want to finish before Drayden makes it,” Ryuu said as he walked down the hallway and to a room, he opened the door so Mira and Iris could come in. “This is your final test,” he held his arm out.
“Begin,” Mira announced.
Sitting in front of them, on a table, was a sandy-orange egg, it became clear what Iris had to do as she walked over and looked down at the sphere. She immediately got a tub filled with some hot, but not scalding, water. Ryuu and Mira stood and watched intently, not allowing themselves to interfere.
“Okay, let’s see....” Iris took several cushions and surrounded the egg with them, just in time as it began to shine and take shape. A roundish body with four plump legs emerged first, a large head in proportion to the rest of its body appeared as the light began to dissipate. “A Trapinch! Wait, it hatched so quickly, I didn’t even get to use the stethoscope!”
Iris covered her mouth, mentally scolding herself for shouting as the Pokémon began to cry, not from Iris’s shout but from the natural behavior that came with being a newborn. She got a towel and dipped it into the water and wrung it out, the Pokémon gradually stopped as it was massaged out of its fit.
”Now I just need to get a bottle ready.”
Iris meandered over to the sink with Trapinch lying on the table, she took a bottle and filled it with a white, dusty powder. Walking over to the sink and turning on the faucet to release some hot water, she filled the bottle to the top and screwed on a nipple and shook it wildly. She poured a bit of the contents of it on her arm to check its temperature and proceeded to feed it to the infant.
“Trapiii,” the Pokémon whined softly.
“There there, don’t cry.” Iris picked up the baby and rocked it back and forth within her arms as it drank, she took the chance to wrap it in a blanket that sat on the counter. This made the Ant Pit Pokémon comfy enough to fall asleep right there in her arms.
“Looks like it’s a boy....” Mira observed.
“Nice job,” Ryuu said. “You without a doubt, pass, that means you’ll be moving on to your next stage of learning with Drayden effectively.”
“I knew this day was coming,” Iris said as she continued to cradle the baby Trapinch.
“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Mira exclaimed.
“Dragonite, Altaria, and Shelgon as well and I’m sure the other villagers will too,” Ryuu was quick to add.
“As hard as it is for daddy to show his emotions, he will too,” Mira gave a cheeky smile toward her father who simply pretended to ignore her teasing.
Iris set Trapinch on one of the cushions as he drooled in his sleep, she walked into an embrace with Ryuu.
“Whatever happens, keep working hard, whether I’m there or not. Listen to what Drayden says, I know you can do it....please don’t give him a hard time,” Ryuu said with a bit of emotion in his voice.
“We’ll both be hoping the best of wishes for you and your future,” Mira said as well.
“I promise I will and I just won’t have Drayden there, Druddigon will be there with me too!” Iris grinned, expressing a genuine sense of gratitude and delight over the support of her foster family.
“I see things went well for her final test,” a new voice entered as the three turned around to see Drayden.
“Drayden,” Ryuu announced what was so obvious to everyone.
“The door was unlocked and I decided to come in, I arrived off the ferry just around fifteen minutes ago.”
“Drayden, I hatched the egg perfectly. See, the egg used to be this little guy,” Iris picked up the sheet-wrapped Ground-type and handed it to the Spartan Mayor to hold.
“My my, you sure did a fine job.”
“Trrraa,” the Pokémon yawned and opened his eyes to see the Spartan Mayor peering down at him and began to smile widely.
“Trapinch likes you,” Iris said.
“That it does, that it does,” Ryuu said earnestly.
-:-
Standing near the port with Iris were Drayden, Druddigon, Mira, Ryuu, Dragonite, Shelgon, and Altaria and in Mira’s arms was Trapinch. They were all ready to see the young girl and man off toward the Unova Region. Iris stretched and yawned at the same time.
“Do we have to leave so early in the morning?” she complained.
“The earlier we leave the quicker we’ll make it,” Drayden replied. “Plus the ferry doesn’t leave according to what time we want, you mustn’t forget.”
“Druddigongon!” the Cave Pokémon went over to hug Shelgon and Dragonite and she licked Altaria’s face, much to the Humming Pokémon’s embarrassment.
“So, when do you think you’ll dock in Unova?” Ryuu asked.
“I imagine in about five or four hours from now,” Drayden rubbed his chin and estimated.
“Excellent, around the crack of noon, Iris you can sleep on the boat.”
“I still can’t believe this is it, I’m gonna think about you all everyday,” Iris said once again to the group of people she loved that she would soon be departing with.
“You too Ms.Dragon chick,” Mira said with a thumb’s up.
”Attention! Departure in less than five minutes, all passengers should be aboard now!
“Take care,” Drayden said to Mira and Ryuu as he turned his back to them.
“Trapipipi!” the Ant Pit Pokémon jumped out of Mira’s arms and ran over to Drayden.
“Looks like it doesn’t want you to leave,” Ryuu smirked.
“Well this could pose a problem, so.....” Mira gave a large grin.
-:-
“Bye bye!” Iris yelled and waved from the boat with Trapinch in her arms.
“Druddi!” the Cave Pokémon emulated her trainer’s actions.
“It’s so awesome you caught a new Pokémon, Drayden, who knew Trapinch would want to be with you so much,” she exclaimed as she looked down at the baby. “You really do like him, don’t you?”
“Tra,” the Pokémon jumped out of Iris’s arms and went over to rub his head against Drayden’s leg, he bent down to rub his head in response.
“It’s towards the Unova Region for you and I, remember what I told you about Unova?”
“That I’ll meet a lot of new people and Pokémon I’ve never seen before there? Yeah, it’s gonna be the coolest!”
”I wonder if there truly is more to this child than meets the eye, we’ll see....”
With this, I have made it to the end of a spike in the story itself. The beginning phase, so to speak, and I'll be posting a list of kinda "What's what?" at some point soon on a few aspects of the story.(Inspiration for scenes and the like.) Just a few general trivial things I've been wanting to get out there and that might help things in the fic. be more comprehensible for the sake of the people reading it. I already have it ready however, I don't want to clout this post up with it. I will get it posted soon though.
A/N:Here we go, I hit the ground running a bit. The aftermath of everything and the leap toward Iris's future with Drayden. I am bit nervous about a few idea I implemented in this chapter, though it took a while and I appreciate any and all criticism I can get.
Sorry I took so long to manage to get to this. So let's get started, shall we?
Chapter 4 A Future Beyond the Village!
“Welcome to the Village of Dragons! I hope you all enjoyed your time on Virbank City Virga Traveling! Where destinations near, in, and around Unova are just a boat ride away!”
I noticed that you said in your replies to me previously that this Village of Dragons is outside Unova, but I'm going to guess that it isn't all that far from Unova based on this?
The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people that disembarked from the ferry. The man took his time leaving the boat while taking in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky while he did.
Try to diversify the sound of your sentences a bit, because if you read this part out loud for example, it would sound repetitive. Try something like this:
"The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people disembarking from the ferry. One man took his time leaving the boat, as he took in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky."
A difference he immediately noticed was that the vicinity of the Village of Dragons was more lively than ever with Pokémon life compared to the times he had previously visited. From that observation he speculated the draconic population must have increased a great deal over the years.
Another pointer: sentences such as this are too wordy, which is another think you can detect by reading it aloud. My thought on how to fix it: "One thing he noticed immediately was how much more life was in the area around the village compared to before. He speculated that the population of dragons must have gone up greatly over the years."
Onto the subject matter of the line itself: I'm intrigued by the comments that seem to be pointing out the population of dragons as an important fact to know. I wonder what it means, exactly?
“Ryuu’s clearly found success in his endeavor....” Drayden kept examining the world around him.
It was a very nice day for the residents of the village, the weather was akin to something Drayden might see in the tropical climate of Undella Town. Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business, idle downtime was the last thing on the man’s mind.
Another bit of advice I'd give you is to try to learn when to use semicolons and 'and' instead of commas where appropriate. A semicolon would go well between "village" and "the weather," because both halves of that sentence could also be perfectly acceptible as their own individual sentences. Between "business" and "idle," you could remove the comma and put "and" instead, thus making it "Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business and idle downtime was the last thing on the man's mind."
As a trainer and person who was committed to the development of imperative aspects in his life, he was pursuing greater strength in more than one form.
Drayden had traveled all over the world looking for a successor, even faraway areas like Kanto and Sinnoh, and had yet to come across one person to catch his eye.
His ultimate goal of finding a certain someone had reached its end the day he met her. Who that someone was, he simply didn’t know for the longest of time however, meeting her and being around her so long had finally made Drayden fully realize she was the one.
The first sentence here feels a little unnecessary; it could probably be cut down to just "He was pursuing strength in multiple ways, both as a trainer and as an individual."
Though brief, this section gives us a nice little look into Drayden's character. He could seek strength by simply training harder and harder, but instead, he puts priorities on securing his legacy as well, showing that his strength is not merely brute force.
The man decided to return to Unova and go back to basics a bit, it was ironic the remote Village of Dragons right outside the Unova Region was the destination where his search, ultimately, concluded.
There are too many commas in this sentence. Change the first one to a period and separate the two sentences, and remove the other two completely.
“Yahoooo!” Iris yelled while careening from a branch, landing on the ground with ease. It didn’t matter how many times she would do that, there was always something freeing about vine-swinging that made her enjoy it so much. The feeling of flying was serene, yet exciting, the fun it gave her couldn’t be duplicated.
“You should try this buddy! I checked over there, I didn’t find any really good looking flowers though I got us something to eat.”
I'm pretty surprised Iris is back to her old self so quickly, though it's encouraging to see. Unless this is a flashback?
Iris’s Pokémon’s rough, red face showed a cheery grin, in her burly blue arms were a vast assortment of freshly-picked flowers. Iris pulled two Oran Berries from her pocket. She walked over and fed the Druddigon one while she took a bite out of the other. Both relished the juicy, sweetness of the fruit while staring at the batch of newly found plants in her Pokémon’s arms.
“Those all nice,” Iris marveled at them, “Sorry, I wasn’t too much help, I got sidetracked when I got hungry,” she continued to talk partly with her mouth full of pieces of chewed up Oran, wiping the juices from her mouth as she finished the last of it.
I like how casual and friendly Iris is with Druddigon. It makes the story read a bit lighter.
“Speaking of being sidetracked, I can’t be late today, that’s a sure thing. It would look bad since it’s my last test, remember?” she said simply to her beloved Pokémon. “There’s no telling what Ryuu’s got up his sleeve, it could even be a battle against Dragonite. Imagine if you had to beat one of Ryuu’s Pokémon in order for me to pass, Dragonite maybe? Imagine, starter versus starter!”
Druddigon looked visually unnerved by the idea of having to face off against Ryuu’s powerhouse, she knew the full-extent of Dragonite’s strength. In training sessions, Iris’s mentor wouldn’t even have his Pokémon use half of his normal dynamism, as the younger creature would easily be overwhelmed by the much more experienced Dragon.
I really like the enthusiasm Iris is showing, and Druddigon's personality and knowledge of Dragonite's strength is refreshing to see, because a lot of times Pokemon don't have personality like humans do. The test is another intriguing part - I'd like to learn more about how the tests work and what they're for.
“Druddi,” the Pokémon attempted to protest against the idea, going up against the benevolent monstrosity, seriously, might cause her to faint on the spot. Iris was too wrapped up in her own enthusiasm however to notice.
“After that I’ll officially be an official trainer who can catch official Pokémon and have battles being judged by official....officials,” that comment managed to elicit a light-hearted smirk from her mild-mannered beast. “Still can’t believe I got you two years ago....has it really been that long?”
There we go, that answers my question about how much time had passed.
Both Iris and Druddigon are really adorable here. They both have great personalities.
Did I mention how much I like choosing the newborn-in-the-previous-chapter Druddigon as her starter? Positives in its favor are that it is a fairly unusual species of Pokemon as well as one that she has a strong connection to.
The girl looked up Druddigon, she had come a long way from when she was just an infant Dragon. Iris had watched over her egg like a mother, and the day she hatched Iris formed a connection with her. Doing many things with her: training her, bathing her, feeding her, and even sleeping next to her at night.
Good imagery, but I don't understand what "the girl looked up Druddigon" means.
The fact she had cared so much for Druddigon since then is what led to her even being the fine Dragon she was today. Ryuu and Mira played a large role in that as well since Iris, despite tending to act more than her age at times, was only still a child herself.
Since then Iris had sprouted a more than noticeable amount compared to her previously diminutive height. She hadn’t just changed in size either, she had a notable increase in maturity as a person. That mostly had to do with, once again, being under the watchful eyes of Mira and Ryuu, who both cared for her unconditionally.
“It’s all so exciting, I feel like I’m gonna explode. Let’s go ahead and do what we need to do and then we can go on to Ryuu’s!”
Druddigon just smiled while carrying the flowers in her arms, Iris ran full-speed toward where they had to go. The Cave Pokémon began to fall behind and threw caution to the wind in regards to the flowers and powered on alongside her trainer with all the speed she could muster.
“No way I’m losing!” Iris jetted past her Pokémon, who was barely keeping up. In a matter of minutes the pair of young girls had made it to their short-distanced destination, both labored for breathing as they slowed to a gradual walk and took in the sights a bit.
These two really go together well. Their personalities are a fine match.
The sky had turned cloudless in the trek toward the area for their small task, allowing more rays of sunlight to grace the empty area with their presence. It was almost completely surrounded by many beautiful, white lilies that Iris always was told, by Mira, were planted there to symbolize something more.
To make a statement about the area, to show just how much that place meant to the villagers, to show how much they strived to truly work alongside Dragons compared to the old days and how they had changed for the better.
Is the second sentence ("To make a statement...") what the flowers are meant to symbolize? If not, the first part is too vague by not identifying what they symbolize.
Iris and Druddigon trudged through the flowers and came upon two lumpy mounds of dirt. It seemed like no matter how many times they would visit the area those dirt piles would remain unchanged.
The young girl was almost sure she could remember every speck of dirt around them, not even a stone could go unturned without her noticing. That’s just how much the range of area meant to her, it was simply the essence of life in her eyes.
I feel like the thoughts here could be expressed a bit more clearly, though I can't quite put my finger on how.
She secured the flowers from the young Pokémon’s arms and proceeded to place one of the sweet-smelling daisies on the left mound of soil. One by one she, carefully, placed the flora on the respected spot until she was down to one. Each side had an equal amount of flowers, so the very last one went right between the two graves without hesitation, somehow it felt right to her to do that.
...Oh, wow. It took me a minute to realize what the mounds of dirt were, but wow, that really hit me.
Iris finished her small spiel to the heavens with her eyes slightly watered, she was once again good at quickly bottling up her small emotional slip however.
This is very awkwardly worded and far too wordy for its own good. The exact same thing could be said in a much simpler fashion; for example, "Iris's eyes were slightly watery as she finished her spiel directed at the heavens. However, she quickly suppressed this small slip in her emotions."
Druddigon had no words for the occasion, opting to stay silent as she was unable to conjure any truly meaningful emotions.
Even though they were her parents, the Pokémon didn’t feel much emotion about hovering near their graves in the same way Iris did. Druddigon didn’t know her parents, thus didn’t have any type of connection with them and couldn’t really feel any deep feelings.
Minor correction: "and" needs to be between "parents" and "thus."
Interesting way to play with emotions by having Druddigon be less emotional about this.
A lot of Pokémon that came from eggs didn’t even get to meet their parents, so it was hardly a travesty for her that she didn’t have the opportunity to be raised by two of her own kind. Iris(and Ryuu and Mira), filled that role very well.
In all honesty they might as well have been two complete strangers to her, it did make her feel awkward to see Iris get so distraught by seeing them while she, herself, simply remained emotionless.
The death of the Dragon’s mother and father was due to the devious actions of a gang of Pokémon thieves, Iris remembered it all too well. If she ever came across those low-life poachers, even one of them, ever again she would teach them a lesson for sure and get back at them for their awful deed.
Expecting to ever see the poachers again seemed like little more than a pipe dream given that they last were seen two years ago, Iris likely would never come across them again in her life.
The father had suffered critical injuries from dealing with a raging Hydreigon and the mother had taken a very brutal whipping, coupled with her being pregnant, she reached her limit quickly. It was especially painful and emotionally taxing with trying to protect her unborn child.
She remembered the father requested one thing of Iris before being euthanized and, completely sticking to what the papa Dragon’s last wishes were, Iris took very good care of his child.
She showered the Cave Pokémon with love and affection and for Iris, being an eager child herself, a natural sense of cheery behavior and care emanated from her when it came to interacting with her first ever Pokémon.
Decent summary of the intervening events within the timeskip. Filled in quite a few details for me.
Druddigon was unofficially Iris’s starter Pokémon, having no Poké Ball to show for it, but battling under her command loyally, more than willing to follow her orders like a true captured Pokémon would.
Okay, that's an interesting turn. I wonder if the fact that Druddigon doesn't have a Poké Ball will be relevant later?
Eight months after the horrific disaster that befell the Dragon Village had come and gone, the meeting of an important figure in Iris’s life was approaching.
Wait, wasn't the timeskip two years before? What's this eight months note now?
“Okay, Druddigon, let’s go!”
Iris stood on one side of the battlefield with a young man opposite her position, judging the battle was Drayden. A small group of people had gathered around to watch as the battle raged on in the middle of the Dragon Village, both Pokémon were reaching their limits. On command the Cave Pokémon dashed towards its monkey adversary.
“Oh no you don’t! Vigoroth, Round!” the auburn-haired teen screeched. Vigoroth inhaled once and yelled out violently, a wide soundwave washed over the Dragon-type, stopping her advance quickly as she forced her palms over her ears in pain. “Yes! Bullseye!”
”Could this be it?” Drayden continued to watch.
“Come on buddy! This isn’t over yet,” Iris encouraged her Pokémon the best she could, the motivation from this managed to help Druddigon pull together all the reserve she had and bore the pain. “Let’s use Dragon Rage!”
The Cave Pokémon, with as much heart as she could put into it, managed to rip out of her pained state and shoot a blast of indigo, fire-mixed electricity that exploded against the Wild Monkey Pokémon and knocked him out.
That's a bit of an unusual way to describe Dragon Rage, but it works.
Good to see Iris winning the battle.
“Vigoroth is unable to battle! The winner is Druddigon and the victory goes to Iris!” Drayden announced.
“Yay, we did it!” Iris ran over and, recklessly, jumped onto her Pokémon’s stomach and hugged her tightly. Even though Druddigon had a striking appearance, she was only just a child and easily thrilled over the praise she got from her trainer.
The young girl managed to bring out the best in her Pokémon in battle and stay strong throughout the whole thing alongside her like a trainer should, that’s just how strong their bond was.
”Interesting, she was almost completely at one with her Druddigon during that match.”
Drayden smiled lightly as the girl walked over to congratulate her opponent, who had enjoyed the battle despite the outcome. The man decided to greet the young lady, he walked over with vigor.
“That was quite the battle, Iris,” Drayden bent down and smiled at her.
“Thanks for refereeing the battle, mister, I’m glad you showed up you were a big help.”
“It was absolutely no problem, if possible, could I meet your parents?” Drayden asked while turning toward Druddigon as well.
“My parents? Um....okay,” she said nervously as she fiddled with her fingers. “I’ll lead the way.”
I'm becoming a little confused over the timeline of the events taking place in this chapter, though.
“Drayden?!” Mira came over hastily, almost slipping on the freshly mopped floor of the clinic in the process.
The last thing her or her father expected was to come face to face with the muscular man with hair the color of fresh snow. Mira’s eyes widened to see the person at the door was very much the Spartan Mayor, in a flash, her attitude seemed to to turn sour as she stared directly into his yellow eyes.
“If it isn’t Drayden, I see you got our eight month old SOS!” her comment was laced with obvious, passive-aggressiveness.
I don't think you need to point out the passive-aggressiveness, it's pretty apparent in the line.
I like the personality Mira's showing here, though. It's nice that she actually even stands up to Drayden of all people.
“Mira,” Ryuu started.
“I was so sure you were just late, but I suppose that was just wishful thinking!”
“Stop,” Ryuu silenced his daughter in a commanding tone as if she was an ill-mannered toddler. “Welcome, come in, this certainly is a surprise....”
“Thank you, it’s a pleasure,” Drayden replied, he walked into the clinic and took a seat on the couch in the common’s area with Ryuu taking a seat on the chair opposite it. He motioned to Mira to leave before he turned back Drayden, the parent knew his daughter would end up spitting even more rude comments out if she remained in the visitor’s presence. “I see your daughter has grown up.....”
Drop the apostrophe and the 's' from "common." Also, you left out "to" in "turned back to Drayden."
“She has,” Ryuu said, embarrassed, knowing fully well Mira’s, not-so-subtle, angry remarks were not lost on the Spartan Mayor in the slightest. “So, what are you doing here in the Village of Dragons? Last time I saw you was back during the old days.....”
Drayden shrugged, to answer Ryuu’s question, he simply stuck his purple-gloved hand into his pocket and pulled out a small metal object. A golden border zigzagged unevenly around the small trinket and the inside of it was grayed with a small ruby planted nearly at the center.
“I’m here to find an heir...so to speak,” Drayden was quick and to the point about his plans.
“The Legend Badge! I guess you really have become a something of a legend yourself. It goes without saying what one has to accomplish to become the leader of Opelucid Gym, amazing. What do you mean by ‘heir’ when you say it?”
Drayden closed his eyes and opened them again, looking at Ryuu directly and spoke in an earnest tone.
“Exactly as it sounds, a successor, an apprentice, a student who I can train to become a successful trainer and possibly the future co-Opelucid Gym Leader.”
“Gym Leader?! Of Opelucid!”
“I’m sure you know that as the mayor and Gym Leader of Opelucid I lead a very demanding lifestyle, naturally, I’ll be offering a scholarship to an exceptional trainer who I can find to come and live in Opelucid City and learn under me in the future.”
Drayden scratched the white shocks of hair that curled around his face, almost like a Druddigon’s jaw.
“Why the Village of Dragons?” there was a true sense of curiosity about why Drayden chose to come to the village to seek a strong, young trainer. “A lot of strong trainers often leave the village at a certain age to go venture out into the world.”
Right away I think that while it may be true that many strong trainers leave the village, there are still young people being raised in its environment. Drayden could easily take in someone who hadn't become a trainer yet and train them while building on the village's culture. Of course, he is going to do that anyway, more or less.
“You’re one of the exceptions to that however, and I imagine this village hasn’t run dry of any talented young people,” Drayden said, “In fact, unless my eyes deceive me, Iris is a perfect example of a young trainer with promise.”
“Iris?” Ryuu parroted back questionably.
“Yes, I was surprised when she told me you were her legal guardian and pointed me toward your clinic of all places.”
“Um....” Ryuu stuttered and did his best to keep an honest expression. “We-”
Ryuu was cut off by light knocking at the door. It kept knocking rather rhythmically until Ryuu got up, took hold of the handle and opened it.
“Hey, Ryuu!” Iris grinned as she greeted her guardian and looked over toward Drayden, meeting her gaze with his. “Hey, mister, Ryuu that guy’s from Unova and he helped referee one of my battles today!”
“It’s was a pleasure,” Drayden said while smiling modestly to Iris as he turned back to Ryuu. “If I’m not mistaken, this is the little one you hold in such high regard that you told me about.”
I already like the dynamic Iris and Drayden have. Her lighthearted attitude compared to his strict personality is an entertaining contradiction.
“Yes, the very same one,” the man confirmed.
“So, she’s the one who got involved in that incident and had you and your daughter so worked up,” Drayden said quizzingly. “Unfortunately I couldn’t come, Iris, I was away at the time in Sinnoh and I apologize for that and your loses.”
”He’s the one who was going to come and help?!” Iris was shocked. “N-no problem!”
“It’s okay, Drayden, I already informed her quite a long while ago, she never knew your name however. She really loves Dragons a great deal and shows promise, that’s one of the reasons I’ve been teaching her so much so she may become exceptional. I think Iris shows a talent for training Dragons well, her Druddigon is a very competent Pokémon for its age.”
“Tell me more....” Drayden’s interest had been peaked, Iris remained silent as she stood there and absorbed the words Ryuu said, even though she wouldn’t admit it she loved hearing the compliments.
I could see Drayden rubbing his chin in thought here. It's kind of a great image.
“I think she has a natural connection to Dragons, you see, Iris’s ancestor was a woman named Siria. There was a time where Dragons and humans here in the village fought day and night, sometimes to the death.....Siria was the one who tamed the first Dragons. She did this, not by violence or conflict, but by imploring a method known as trying to understand their hearts. It’s believed to be an ability learned by some to understand Dragon Pokémon. As you already know, I can do this.”
Thank you for finally being the one to go and give Iris some substantive backstory. Already I can tell that this ties together details about Iris that are so often complained about very nicely.
“She can do this as well?” Drayden raised a right eyebrow and clasped both his hands together.
“Well, it’s hard to explain, she’s shown a natural connection to Dragons so I think so. That skill needs honing and I simply don’t think it could be fostered just staying here cooped up in the village.”
“I’m curious, what is this child doing with you?” Drayden remarked.
“She was entrusted to me...” Ryuu hesitated slightly but answered with a heavy heart, this made Iris turn her head sharply and stare at her mentor for a few seconds. A short moment of silenced developed while Drayden looked down and thought.
”A child who shows an exceptional ability to train Dragon Pokémon at such a young age and that can understand them on such a personal level, it almost sounds like fiction.”
“I truly believe you could benefit from allowing Iris the chance to be your apprentice, please.”
“I believe your words are sincere, if she truly is as noteworthy as you say I’ll make an effort to visit the village more often to see more of her. I’ve already seen an example of her abilities today.”
I like how you show that Iris isn't totally sure about what this means, too. Obviously she has some more maturing to do.
One Week Later.....
“Use Dragon Tail!”
“Haxooor!”
The monstrous Pokémon, the color of an aged forest, rotated swiftly while smashing his massive reptilian tail into a Slaking. This caused the Lazy Pokémon to be knocked off his feet and hit the ground unconscious.
“This sucks,” the young woman said as her Pokémon returned to his ball. “See ya later....” she walked away, Drayden looked over as he heard rustling in the bush behind him.
“You can come out,” he spoke while he patted his Haxorus on the head for yet another job well done in battle.
“Hahaha...” Iris laughed in embarrassment as she sprang out of hiding.
“Why do you keep training where I train and then hiding when you think I don’t see you?”
“Well, you see, about that, I thought your Haxorus might be hungry....” Iris pulled a light-blue piece of fruit from her pocket. “Dragons around here love Yache Berries,” she offered which caused the man to smile as he bent down and graciously accepted the fruit.
“Thank you for your consideration,” he fed it to his strongest Pokémon, who was clearly enjoying his snack.
“Haxorus is one of the coolest Dragons I’ve ever seen....” she couldn’t take her eyes off the beast as he continued to munch on the sour Berry.
“Why don’t you see up close then?” Drayden picked up Iris and put her in range of the Axe Jaw Pokémon’s face, the Dragon smiled at her as she rubbed his scaly head.
“Hahaha,” Iris giggled as, in response, he began to lick her face after swallowing the last of the fruit.
And that is adorable too. You're really good at crafting these simple yet memorable little scenes where the characters stand out.
Two weeks later
“I still couldn’t do it.....” Iris sat in the tree within the forest as she sulked over her latest try, at reading a Dragon Pokémon’s heart, failing once more.
“Iris!” Drayden shouted in concern as he sped along. “There you are....” Drayden peered up into the thickness of the tree and spotted her in hiding. “Why did you run away?”
“Why would you want me to be your apprentice if I can’t do even that?”
“You know, there’s no need to try and act so mature. You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you, as I said before, failure is something that is unavoidable. You can get upset over it every time it happens or you can learn to deal with it and move on.”
Iris remained silent as she sat on the branch and avoided eye contact with the Spartan Mayor, not wanting him to see a moment of weakness in her.
I find Iris's actions here very believable and well-suited to her personality. Very well done.
“I have a story to tell you. Just listen to it,” Drayden said commandingly. Iris climbed down the tree and listened to Drayden as he squatted down to her level to make sure his words got across clearly and effectively.
“There’s a legend of a Pokémon known as Magikarp, I’m sure you know what a Magikarp is. It is said that there was a Magikarp that so desperately tried to swim up a waterfall and kept continuously failing and being washed away by the strong current. The Magikarp, after a lot of perseverance and trying, finally made it upstream.”
“What happened next?” Iris asked curiously.
“The Magikarp, when upstream, finally made a grand, brave leap over the waterfall. Upon doing this the Magikarp landed at the bottom and resurfaced as a Gyarados. They say a Gyarados’s large, conspicuous scales indicate its origin from a Magikarp.”
“It evolved?”
“Yes, because Magikarp worked so hard and jumped over the waterfall which was known as the Dragon Gate in legend. It’s one of the reasons many believe Magikarp today evolve into Gyarados.”
“So, I can one day read the hearts of Dragons?” Iris’s eyes brightened up.
“If your ancestors can do it and Ryuu can do it, I believe you could as well. However, that doesn’t mean flying off when you fail, you must move on from it and grow.”
“Thank you!” Iris ran up to the man and embraced him happily, she was thankful for the reassurance.
“Let’s go back to the village,” Drayden and Iris walked together, the young girl staying tugged to his arm as they did.
That... that was great. Drayden explained the story well, and it relates to Iris's struggle quite closely. I also like how you expanded on canon in a simple yet impressive way to create the story itself.
”Those were the days, the days where I first met Drayden.”
The Spartan Mayor kept coming back to the Dragon Village to observe Iris and talk with her before officially deciding to adopt her from Ryuu. Today was the day where she would have her final test under her current mentor before going to live with Drayden.
I don't completely understand what that italic line is?
“I can’t believe this is really it, it’s been a long time coming but I’m ready!” Iris jumped in the air and shouted with spirit, this manage to make Druddigon feel hyped.
There should be an "and" between "clinic" and "Iris."
“I’m here! Ready for my final test!” she shouted, the noise resonating so loud that Altaria woke up in a nasty fit. Even looking at Altaria, Iris remembered the same thing would happen when he was just a Swablu.
“Sorry Altaria,” Iris said while holding her palms up defensively, the cloud-bodied Pokémon went back to sleep.
“As loud as always I see,” Ryuu appeared from the backroom with Mira following closely behind.
“The test is ready,” Mira said as she went over next to Iris. “Are you?”
“Completely, I can do this, I’ll take anything you throw at me.”
“That’s a good attitude to have, Drayden is on his way right now. Mira packed all your bags and everything you’ll need. Unova is gonna be an amazing experience for you, you’ll grow more than you ever could have in this village.”
“I’m gonna miss you so much, it’s not gonna be the same without your bubbly face greeting me everyday,” Mira hugged the young girl.
I have a bit of a nervous feeling that something's about to go wrong.
“Mira you have another kid to worry about, remember?” Iris patted her sister-like figure’s stomach as they both broke into laughs.
“Let’s get this underway, I want to finish before Drayden makes it,” Ryuu said as he walked down the hallway and to a room, he opened the door so Mira and Iris could come in. “This is your final test,” he held his arm out.
“Begin,” Mira announced.
Sitting in front of them, on a table, was a sandy-orange egg, it became clear what Iris had to do as she walked over and looked down at the sphere. She immediately got a tub filled with some hot, but not scalding, water. Ryuu and Mira stood and watched intently, not allowing themselves to interfere.
Nice callback to an earlier chapter with what the test is.
“Okay, let’s see....” Iris took several cushions and surrounded the egg with them, just in time as it began to shine and take shape. A roundish body with four plump legs emerged first, a large head in proportion to the rest of its body appeared as the light began to dissipate. “A Trapinch! Wait, it hatched so quickly, I didn’t even get to use the stethoscope!”
Iris covered her mouth, mentally scolding herself for shouting as the Pokémon began to cry, not from Iris’s shout but from the natural behavior that came with being a newborn. She got a towel and dipped it into the water and wrung it out, the Pokémon gradually stopped as it was massaged out of its fit.
”Now I just need to get a bottle ready.”
Iris meandered over to the sink with Trapinch lying on the table, she took a bottle and filled it with a white, dusty powder. Walking over to the sink and turning on the faucet to release some hot water, she filled the bottle to the top and screwed on a nipple and shook it wildly. She poured a bit of the contents of it on her arm to check its temperature and proceeded to feed it to the infant.
“Trapiii,” the Pokémon whined softly.
“There there, don’t cry.” Iris picked up the baby and rocked it back and forth within her arms as it drank, she took the chance to wrap it in a blanket that sat on the counter. This made the Ant Pit Pokémon comfy enough to fall asleep right there in her arms.
“Nice job,” Ryuu said. “You without a doubt, pass, that means you’ll be moving on to your next stage of learning with Drayden effectively.”
“I knew this day was coming,” Iris said as she continued to cradle the baby Trapinch.
“I’m gonna miss you so much,” Mira exclaimed.
“Dragonite, Altaria, and Shelgon as well and I’m sure the other villagers will too,” Ryuu was quick to add.
“As hard as it is for daddy to show his emotions, he will too,” Mira gave a cheeky smile toward her father who simply pretended to ignore her teasing.
Iris set Trapinch on one of the cushions as he drooled in his sleep, she walked into an embrace with Ryuu.
“Whatever happens, keep working hard, whether I’m there or not. Listen to what Drayden says, I know you can do it....please don’t give him a hard time,” Ryuu said with a bit of emotion in his voice.
“We’ll both be hoping the best of wishes for you and your future,” Mira said as well.
Good pacing for a goodbye scene. I often find that this type of scene can be difficult to write without getting bogged down, so I think you handled it pretty well.
Is that last line a Best Wishes! reference?
“Drayden, I hatched the egg perfectly. See, the egg used to be this little guy,” Iris picked up the sheet-wrapped Ground-type and handed it to the Spartan Mayor to hold.
Shouldn't that be "this little guy used to be the egg?"
Standing near the port with Iris were Drayden, Druddigon, Mira, Ryuu, Dragonite, Shelgon, and Altaria and in Mira’s arms was Trapinch. They were all ready to see the young girl and man off toward the Unova Region. Iris stretched and yawned at the same time.
“Do we have to leave so early in the morning?” she complained.
“The earlier we leave the quicker we’ll make it,” Drayden replied. “Plus the ferry doesn’t leave according to what time we want, you mustn’t forget.”
The rest that I didn't quote is more or less fine; there's really not anything I feel particularly driven to comment on.
This was a good chapter. The plot really advanced here quite a bit, which is the strongest suit. You had good pacing as well, so the story details you wanted to tell came across well and were pleasant to read. My only real criticism is the same thing I've mentioned before - comma usage/run-on sentences and a few other spare grammar mistakes here and there. Just proofread a bit more and that should be taken care of nicely.
"the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type" This is an awkward sentence. Saying something is delivered does not evoke speed or action the way a word like flung or shot would.
I reviewed this chapter once before, and I don't know if it's been revised since then. I don't really remember th plot of this story beyond people putting pokemon in cages and a girl being connected with dragons, but the flow is good enough. Your action scenes have improved vastly over the beginning pahses when it would literally just be people yelling out the names of attacks. Personally, I suggest you put out your fourth chapter before asking for another review. I would like to see what improvements you've made to your style in the intervening months.
I don't think I have much to say that I didn't say in the last review or that the people above me have said before. But if you have any intention of continuing this stor, you should get on it. There's only so much people can review about three short chapters after all.
I noticed that you said in your replies to me previously that this Village of Dragons is outside Unova, but I'm going to guess that it isn't all that far from Unova based on this?
Try to diversify the sound of your sentences a bit, because if you read this part out loud for example, it would sound repetitive. Try something like this:
"The sun was shining like a welcoming beacon to the people disembarking from the ferry. One man took his time leaving the boat, as he took in the nostalgic aura of the typical Dragon Village sky."
Aw, yes, sentence wording is something I'll definitely keep in mind for the future.
Another pointer: sentences such as this are too wordy, which is another think you can detect by reading it aloud. My thought on how to fix it: "One thing he noticed immediately was how much more life was in the area around the village compared to before. He speculated that the population of dragons must have gone up greatly over the years."
Wordyness is a chore to read from a readers standpoint, so I see what you mean when you say that.
Onto the subject matter of the line itself: I'm intrigued by the comments that seem to be pointing out the population of dragons as an important fact to know. I wonder what it means, exactly?
Ryuu's a Dragon doctor and in earlier chapters one of the the things he specializes in is keeping the population in check a bit. It was pointed out in chapter two iirc when Ryuu made a comment about the village "growing back up" so to speak.
Another bit of advice I'd give you is to try to learn when to use semicolons and 'and' instead of commas where appropriate. A semicolon would go well between "village" and "the weather," because both halves of that sentence could also be perfectly acceptible as their own individual sentences. Between "business" and "idle," you could remove the comma and put "and" instead, thus making it "Despite how lovely it was, he was there strictly on business and idle downtime was the last thing on the man's mind."
The first sentence here feels a little unnecessary; it could probably be cut down to just "He was pursuing strength in multiple ways, both as a trainer and as an individual."
Though brief, this section gives us a nice little look into Drayden's character. He could seek strength by simply training harder and harder, but instead, he puts priorities on securing his legacy as well, showing that his strength is not merely brute force.
That's actually what I wanted to emphasize heavily with his character in different parts of this fic. He's quite a masculine character in BW but not enough is focused on his different forms of strength, his non-physical strengths.
I like how casual and friendly Iris is with Druddigon. It makes the story read a bit lighter.
I really like the enthusiasm Iris is showing, and Druddigon's personality and knowledge of Dragonite's strength is refreshing to see, because a lot of times Pokemon don't have personality like humans do. The test is another intriguing part - I'd like to learn more about how the tests work and what they're for.
I wanted to try to portray Druddigon as being sort of childish in a way, I figured it would provide a somewhat entertaining contrast to the appearance of the Pokemon itself. Unfortunately, looking back I wish I had given the test a more larger sense of grandeur than what I did. I regret that earlier decision.
Did I mention how much I like choosing the newborn-in-the-previous-chapter Druddigon as her starter? Positives in its favor are that it is a fairly unusual species of Pokemon as well as one that she has a strong connection to.
I figured it would provide a bit of a connection to the two deceased Druddigon and plus in almost every form of canon Iris's starter is never a Druddigon, I figured it would provide an interesting turn to break from the norm of using an Axew-line member right off the bat.
Good imagery, but I don't understand what "the girl looked up Druddigon" means.
Thank you for pointing that out, looks like I missed a word.
Is the second sentence ("To make a statement...") what the flowers are meant to symbolize? If not, the first part is too vague by not identifying what they symbolize.
I wanted to make it seem somewhat vague to do just that, though I doubt it would invoke any form of emotion as the Druddigon never had garnered an attachment to the readers. That's just something else I wish I could have done better.
This is very awkwardly worded and far too wordy for its own good. The exact same thing could be said in a much simpler fashion; for example, "Iris's eyes were slightly watery as she finished her spiel directed at the heavens. However, she quickly suppressed this small slip in her emotions."
I wanted to make her into a bit of a firecracker in that way.
Right away I think that while it may be true that many strong trainers leave the village, there are still young people being raised in its environment. Drayden could easily take in someone who hadn't become a trainer yet and train them while building on the village's culture. Of course, he is going to do that anyway, more or less.
I wanted to try to make their interactions bounce a bit more, thank you for the compliment.
....THANK YOU.
Thank you for finally being the one to go and give Iris some substantive backstory. Already I can tell that this ties together details about Iris that are so often complained about very nicely.
I was actually thinking together an explanation for that for quite some time, I was given the idea from another user last summer. I took the idea and expanded on it a bit and figured it would make sense for the reader more with this ability being somewhat vague in the games.
I like how you show that Iris isn't totally sure about what this means, too. Obviously she has some more maturing to do.
That... that was great. Drayden explained the story well, and it relates to Iris's struggle quite closely. I also like how you expanded on canon in a simple yet impressive way to create the story itself.
Good pacing for a goodbye scene. I often find that this type of scene can be difficult to write without getting bogged down, so I think you handled it pretty well.
I was actually nervous about the goodbye scene, the prospect of Iris meeting Drayden that day and deciding to go with him seemed unrealistic since she would only know him for a short while. I think implementing flashbacks helps it seem more realistic and makes the upcoming goodbye scene's pacing a bit easier to swallow. Yes, that was a reference to BW anime.
Nice touch to keep Iris's personality in mind. Her needing to be told that the ferry doesn't go by her schedule fits her personality.
That personality trait will actually be a bit of a small-scale problem in the future.
This was a good chapter. The plot really advanced here quite a bit, which is the strongest suit. You had good pacing as well, so the story details you wanted to tell came across well and were pleasant to read. My only real criticism is the same thing I've mentioned before - comma usage/run-on sentences and a few other spare grammar mistakes here and there. Just proofread a bit more and that should be taken care of nicely.
Will do, I appreciate you pointing out those errors too. It allows me to know what I need to improve on in that regard, I've already started working on them and learning more.
"the gigantic shard was delivered toward the agile Flying-type" This is an awkward sentence. Saying something is delivered does not evoke speed or action the way a word like flung or shot would.
I reviewed this chapter once before, and I don't know if it's been revised since then. I don't really remember th plot of this story beyond people putting pokemon in cages and a girl being connected with dragons, but the flow is good enough. Your action scenes have improved vastly over the beginning pahses when it would literally just be people yelling out the names of attacks. Personally, I suggest you put out your fourth chapter before asking for another review. I would like to see what improvements you've made to your style in the intervening months.
I don't think I have much to say that I didn't say in the last review or that the people above me have said before. But if you have any intention of continuing this stor, you should get on it. There's only so much people can review about three short chapters after all.
I thought that this Chapter was pretty damn cool. We got see see Dryden, one of my favourite characters in BW, and how he needed to choose his next successor.
Opening: I thought you did quite well with this opening, you introduced Dryden and how he is searching for another successor. It made me want to read on more and find out exactly who he wants to be the successor.
Scene: One of my favourite scenes from this is when Druddigon was reflecting on itself, and how it didn't want to battle her other Pokemon. This showed the nature of fear that some Pokemon have, which is awesome for a story in terms of character development.
Dialogue. The dialogue in this story varies from exceptionally well done towards a bit confusing. By this I mean, it's great to read and isn't an eye sore, however there are times where I lost myself when I was reading because the quotes were put in the same place as the narration.
Plot: I'm not sure what direction you are trying to head in with this story, but you can bet that I definitely wan't to find out I'm assuming it has something to do with Iris and Dryden, and how she could possibly succeed him? I just hope, you plan on adding a twist so that you can make me jump out of my seat
I'm assuming it has something to do with Iris and Dryden, and how she could possibly succeed him? I just hope, you plan on adding a twist so that you can make me jump out of my seat