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the great mafia war

S

Sasukat

Back from the dead
hello this is my first fanfic so be brutal.

Chapter One:The Beginning of the End(Prologue)
One day, Cyndy the Cyndaquil,a blue and yellow mouse that seemed to have fire coming out of its back, was walking down the road when a meteor hit the ground. Cyndy had to run as the shockwave alone would be enough to severely hurt her, if not kill her. she hoped that her best friends, Fang the Totodile and Chick the Chickorita would be okay. The last thing she remembered was being mostly buried in the ground from the shockwave...

She awoke a few hours later with the town in ruins. She went walking and came across a little bit of food that had not been completely destroyed. There was enough for the whole town! Cyndy decided to share it when suddenly two people came down and saw the food. Their names where Sam and Kyle, and they had been enemies since the 3rd grade.The reason for this is that they both got into a fight over a girl named Emily. Sam won the fight, but had to go to the hospital due to a broken arm , they also both got a 2 week after school detention. The food was barely enough to keep them looking forward die to the hatred of each other. They tried to look down so as to not see each other but then there eyes met anyway so they turned around and left in disgust,figuring that they had to get the food,not so much as they wanted the food but also so the other one wont get it.

They both came up with an idea,Sam's was to share the food while Kyles was to give it to a select few.Sam and Kyle each went their own ways to gather a group of people to help settle it their way. Sam's way of getting people was an ad for helpers and everyone gets food, resulting in more people but they didn't know each other as well, while Kyle's way was to gather up people he knew, resulting in less people and more knowledge of who each other were. This marked the start of the great mafia war.
 
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A

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
A few basic things:

-You have to capitalize the title of a work, among other things. You also need to put a space after a comma.

http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

^That is a link to a wonderful place that explains the rules of English grammar. I think it could be very helpful to you.

- Secondly, I don't think this meets the minimum requirement for lengeth. You should read the fanfiction rules thread, which outlines what qualifies something as "ready-to-post."

- Lastly, the reason this fic isn't very good is because it's not presented well. You need to "show not tell." The whole thing reads very much like a list of things that happened, whereas an author's job is to show them happening. What did the characters feel? What sounds and sights were there?

Something else you should read is this:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2362023/1/Unoriginality_1_An_Original_Trainer_Story

Which will tell you in a generally fun way some of the things to avoid doing in writing in our fandom. It will help you develop and interesting and coherent storyline.

This really isn't ready to be received by an audience, but you do seem capable of stringing a sentence together and that's better than most n00bs here.

Put some extra work in to this, and I think you could have an enjoyable work. Good luck.
 
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Zephyr Flare

Zephyr Flare

/pose
Act has covered the main points I'd reckon though I would advise going to Advice for Aspiring Authors and checking the Fanfiction Rules aswell as this does fall below the length bottom limit. Though to be honest you do seem confused yourself whether this is a Prologue or a chapter, it cannot be both. Think of a Prologue as like a introduction, something to grab a readers interest before chucking them into the waves of chapters.

So this is your warning to kick up the length a bit and watch your spacing as you are running the risk of text-block-itus also if you please. Don't forget also you can save off your work using Notepad/Wordpad on the computer so you casn really thrash it out before posting so go have fun with kicking your next chapter to the best you can do :)
 
Zephyr Flare

Zephyr Flare

/pose
Act has covered the main points I'd reckon though I would advise going to Advice for Aspiring Authors and checking the Fanfiction Rules aswell as this does fall below the length bottom limit. Though to be honest you do seem confused yourself whether this is a Prologue or a chapter, it cannot be both. Think of a Prologue as like a introduction, something to grab a readers interest before chucking them into the waves of chapters.

So this is your warning to kick up the length a bit and watch your spacing as you are running the risk of text-block-itus also if you please. Don't forget also you can save off your work using Notepad/Wordpad on the computer so you casn really thrash it out before posting so go have fun with kicking your next chapter to the best you can do :)
 
S

Sasukat

Back from the dead
ok,thanks for the advice,ill read the stuff act posted and do the next one on word/note pad
 
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