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The Horizon Of a New Gym Leader

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by blueaquadog, Nov 20, 2005.

  1. blueaquadog

    blueaquadog Elect./water master

    This is my first fic. So rate but please don't be to harsh.

    Also, the main characters are not in this chapter. So enjoy.

    The Horizon Of a New Gym Leader

    The Beginning

    CRASH! A door flew open and a man in a white jacket came running through it. He was running to a room, which had a box that contained very important contents. He looked back to see a man and woman dressed in purple with a ghost picture on there shirt. In front of them were two ghosts. One was about 4’11” and had red eyes. The other one was shorter and looked as if it had a necklace on. The tall one was a Gengar and the other one was a Misdreavus.

    “Mist, get in front of him and use mean look!” yelled the girl. The guy beside her looked at the Gengar.

    “Ghoul, get up there and help stop the professor!” said the man. The two pokemon dashed towards the man in white. “Professor Bonsai, if you hand over the materials we’ll let you go to our prison instead of being turned into a ghost.

    “Never! Why Karen? Why Jack? You two were great assistants.” Said Prof. Bonsai. Before he could get his answer he was hit by a shadow ball and flew pass Mist. The professor stood up and opened the door. He slammed it shut and locked it. He grabbed a pen and paper and hurriedly wrote a note. He attached it to a nearby box. He saw a girl outside and opened the window. He threw the box out the window and shut the window.

    The girl had long brown hair and looked as if she was in her twenties. She jumped as the box landed in front of her. She stopped and picked it up then looked at the window. She heard the professor scream and heard silence. “Father!” she said. She took the box over to a nearby bush and sat down. She took the letter off of the box and opened it. She began to read it.

    Dear Julie,
    I’m in big trouble. I don’t think I’ll make it to the meeting. Take the box and meet the others at the hide out in Meshae town. I’ll miss you.

    She dropped the note and tears were in her eyes. She stood up and checked her bag and grabbed her two pokeballs. She left the box and ran inside. Karen and Jack came down stairs with Professor Bonsai and behind them was Ghoul and Mist. She threw a rock at the two and then ran. Karen and Mist followed her and Jack stayed.

    Karen entered a dark room then heard a click. The lights came on. There was a pool in between Karen and Julie. “Julie, its time for you to see who’s the better one.” Said Karen

    Julie laughed a little. “I’ll show you to ever hurt my family. We will have a two on two battle! If I win you leave my father behind.” Said Julie.

    Karen smiled. “And if I win you come with us.” Said Karen the two nodded. Karen then threw a pokeball and Mist went to the battlefield.

    (To be continued!)
  2. Joe Vega #4

    Joe Vega #4 RAWR.

    Some capitalization errors here and there, and lack of length and description, as well as short, choppy sentences, and finally punctuation errors. The classic fanfic mistakes, fix 'em and this fic just might make it.
  3. blueaquadog

    blueaquadog Elect./water master

    Thank you for the advice. I'll probably update this story every saturday.
  4. Kamia_Jay

    Kamia_Jay Well-Known Member

    Whoa. First off it is way too short, did you actually do this on MS or something similar? Anyways back to the point, short, choppy, sentences are not the way to go.It seems like you really took a knife and chop all of these sentences. It seems original, but you make it seem boring and ordinary. You hardly describe anything in the fic at all, you just say something and all of the sudden people come and battle!. No background story or anything, you need to probably look at the help threads around here and read them.
  5. Xiang

    Xiang Well-Known Member

    Description. Don't expect everyone to let you slip on that. What's a Gengar look like? How about a Misdreavus? I can't picture anything in my mind. That way, it was really hard to understand and was confusing. Who are these people? Where do they come from? Usually a prologue has the purpose of introducin the characters and their personalities through describing what they are saying, thinking and doing. this prologue didn't have much of that.

    And just because it's a prologue doesn't mean it has to be short. It should be a length that gives enough room to get the job of introducing the character DONE.

    AND just because I'm giving loads of crit doesn't mean you stink. You have potential, you just need to unleash it right.

  6. Okay, a few comments. First of all, I'm so glad you paragraphed this. It made it clear and easy to read. Plus, it looks just that bit more professional, so nice work there!

    I have to say, I thought it was a little stereotyped that the woman would have the Misdreavus and the man would have the Gengar, but mebbe you'll show why the pairs work as they are. It's about teh personality, I tells ya, not the look of the thing!! o_O

    On the topic of stereotypes, I also think the 'daughter of the professor' has been a little over done. But hey, it's your story and if you can bring something new to it, I'll be happy to read it. But keep in mind that a child battling for his/her father's life is likely to be considerably worried, panicky and feeling the pressure of the situation. Especially if they're up against professional trainers and the like. One mistake and they're both goners. Why she'd be laughing (nervous laughter excluded) I have trouble fathoming.

    But hey, you at least have the format and a bunch of ideas to put in it, so keep writing!


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