The Hunt for Hope [PG]

[Anti-Cloner]

Please C & C peoples! This is my first fic, so it sucks....

-Danny

Ch 1—Legendary problems

Mark awoke to a bright day. The previous night had been stormy, and the leaves of trees and plants dripped with water. Curious Pokémon poked their heads of nests, and wild Tailows sang.Today, November fourteenth, stood for happiness in Mark’s mind. Thinking about his humongous birthday cake and his possible new Pokémon, he quickly dressed and headed downstairs.

“Happy 13th Birthday!” His mom cried out. “Will you get your Pokémon today, or will you chicken out again?”

Mark replied “Mom….. I want to catch one myself. I don’t want one of those ‘genetically modified to be super strong’ zombies from Professor Birch.”

“All right, have it your way. Breakfast is still in the microwave.” His mom retorted. “Let’s check your bag. Great Balls, Ultra Balls, Potions… Everything seems to be in order. Have fun!”

Mark’s mother casually slipped a battered Pokéball into his bag and smiled. She thought to herself ‘This would give him an extra help on his adventure.’
Finishing his breakfast, Mark bade his mom farewell and set out on his journey. Already equipped with running shoes, he travelled without incident to Lake Verity. He scanned the area, and cautiously peered into the tall grass. A Bidoof, defending its territory, tackled Mark’s face and scampered away. Having attained a bruise on his face, Mark wondered if he was meant to be a Pokémon trainer.

He grumbled out loud “Stupid Bidoof.. They’re always here when you don’t want them. Now I have a bruise on my face, and I can’t use a Potion on it.”
Deciding not to peer into any more tall grass (and not to get his face any more bruised) he headed out from Lake Verity, unknowingly followed by an envoy of invisible legendary Pokémon. In the lead was a bouncing pink Pokémon. The pink Pokémon examined Mark’s bag and decided to stay inside for the time being, and beamingly looked at the battered Pokéball.

Examining the Pokéball, it commented {So this is the son of Cynthia. I wonder which Pokémon this is?}

Mark, well versed in Pokémon speech, heard the voice, and turned around. Seeing nothing, he set down his bag, and cautiously opened it intending to bring out his father’s Silph Scope. Seeing movement, he backed off and examined the inside for a considerable amount of time from a distance. Finally deciding to take the risk, he put his head inside to look. Mespirit (Which was the pink Pokémon duh) decided to fly out of the bag at the same time, and for the second time in one day, Mark bumped his head against a Pokémon. He felt around for anything and caught Mespirit in his hands. Unaccustomed to being caught by humans, Mespirit lost her concentration and popped into view.

{Aaaah!} It yelled and madly used Amnesia(because it was so scared and it didn’t know what to do).

Stunned, Mark withdrew his head quickly and screamed “A Mes…!”
_ _ _
Mespirit regained its composure and rapidly silenced Mark {Don’t scream that out! I know there’s a Mespirit in your bag, and your mom asked me to follow you throughout your whole entire journey!} She also thought to herself --No need to mention that there’s also an Azelf flying around his head and an Uxie looking at that Pokéball and a Latias, Latios, Diagla, Palkia, and Giratina here…--

“Yay. A little pink tiny fairy thingy is trying to protect me. Sorry, a little tiny fairy thingy that is scared of humans is trying to protect me. I feel so safe now!” Mark responded, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Mark tried to gather the spilt contents of his bag, but an Azelf popped into view.
{You should feel safe! We are the awesome pixie trio thingies!} Azelf proclaimed, clearly missing the point of sarcasm.

Mespirit and the hidden Uxie both sweat dropped, and both replied {Azelf, when will you ever learn?}

Mark, soon learning that there was an Uxie too, became irritated and complained “I don’t need three stupid pixie thingies with attitude problems! I can do well by myself! For Pete’s sake, I haven’t reached the next town yet, and my mom is right there!”

Uxie popped into view and commented, its voice shaking {Cynthia looks… mad.. RUN! I mean FLY!}

Unfortunately for them, Mark’s mom had her Clefairy pin them to the ground using gravity, and quickly scolded them “You’re supposed to be invisible guardians! Not annoying pixie thingies! Maybe I should send Latias on the job. She’s much better at being invisible!”

A second later, Latias and Latios appeared, and cheerfully sang out “Of course! We’re not pixie thingies! That makes us ten times better!”

 

[Diddy]

Argh, now this is rather scary.

Not in a fearful way, but in a what the hell just happened way.

You have a kid wake up, walk out the door almost instantly and get ambushed by not one but three maybe five legendary pokémon if I read it right. That's one other thing, it reads to fast, the flow is off. You need to pace yourself, make sure nothing happens too fast that isn't supposed to happen too fast. If you were starting a journey, you wouldn't just get rushed out of the door, regardless of who your parents were. She didn't even seem to want to say goodbye in a meaningful way. It almost seemed as if she wanted him gone, at least that's what I read like.

and wild Tailows sang.

the plural of any pokémon is it's own name. A flock of taillow, a herd of miltank etc.

“Happy 13th Birthday!”

For most numbers in fiction, you should write them out in word form, the exceptions are if the number is too big to write out (Three thousand six hundred and eighty four would be too clunky) or if the number is meant to be there, "in the year 1908" for example

The writing isn't bad, in fact it's better than most things that appear here every now and then, you just have to work on pacing and most importantly plot. Boy goes on journey, son of a champion/game or anime character, meets a legendary, is somewhat special (legendary guardians) it screams cliché.

People on these boards aren't massive fans of cliché.

If you need help with working on the plot then you can go to the Fic Ideas thread in the Authors Café.

Mespirit (Which was the pink Pokémon duh)

Try to avoid the use of parantheses (stuff in brackets and the likes) improperly. Description should be enough to tell us what was in his bag.