The Hunt for Suicune

[Charmanderman]

Yeah, I try to proofread, I guess I need to triple-check or something...:/

And for the Shockwave thing, that was a big problem of mine. I try to make the characters Pokénotomically (?) correct. But when your main enemy is an electric type you have to bend the rules a bit. Maybe he found a way into Dream World or something. I really don't know...

 

[Latios_lover]

On other great chapter! So sorry for the late replay :U I love your fic!

 

[Charmanderman]

Sorry this is REALLY late, I just needed to do a LOT of research about Eusine. Anywhoo here's this chapter:

Through the rubble and through the ash, a lone figure emerges, a lone floating, ghost puppet, Shuppet. The supposed only survivor of the tower crash, for he went through the rubble with his invisibility. He soon spotted Mantine and Lapras floating around the crash site, shifting through pieces of the broken tower, looking for others. “Mantine, Lapras! You're alive!” Shuppet called to them.

“Oh! Shuppet! Of course we're alive. You are too I see...are there any more survivors” Mantine asked.

“I sure hope so, I couldn't find them anywhere...” Shuppet sighed.

“Keep looking! They have to be somewhere beneath this rubble! How did this even happen anyway?” Lapras asked, worried.

“That Luxray guy, he has an owner who took Entei, Raikou, and Suicune then he destroyed the tower!” Shuppet explained.

“Well...at least you finally found Suicune...” Lapras said trying to cheer him up.

“Yeah, but he's gone! We need to find him again. But not without the rest of the group, let's keep searching!” Shuppet suggested, then searched all around the rubble.

Mantine, Lapras, and Shuppet were all searching without luck, until a huge piece of rubble was uncovered, under it was Herdier. More and more Pokémon were uncovered soon after, the only two left were Buzz and Shockwave, and of course Sparkplug, but they weren't sure they even wanted to find him...

Suddenly, a piece of rubble started to move, Buzz burst out of it, a bright light shining around him. He started breathing heavily, it seemed like the bursting out of it took some energy out of him.

“Where's Shockwave?” he asked.

“I was hoping you would know...” Melody explained.

“Right....here....” said a voice from beneath the rubble.

“Shockwave!” The Alakazam exclaimed.

“Hey Melody! Looks like we're all here. Mantine, Lapras, are you alright?"

“Yeah, some guy tried to attack us though. The better question is are YOU alright, the tower fell on you!” Mantine said.

“Yeah, I'm fine, that did hurt a lot though...” Shockwave complained.

“Glad to see that we're all doing fine. Now we better go look for Sparkplug's master. We need to get Suicune and the other legendary beasts!” Melody said.

“You're right, Melody. They couldn't have gotten very far, but we still need to get to them as quickly as possible, so we need to run as fast as we can!” Shockwave announced.

Melody seemed to be in deep thought. “If we need to go places fast...I think I can teleport us...I'm not so worried anymore.” she said.

“Could you really do that?” Buzz asked, in awe.

“Well, yes, I need an exact location, where do you think they would be by now?” Melody asked.

Shockwave scratched his head. “Hmmm, that guy must be taking them somewhere. Sparkplug said that he was going to do something with them, he didn't tell me what though....”

“Well...maybe we need to...erm...ask Sparkplug?” Buzz suggested.

Shockwave's eyes widened. “We can't just ASK Sparkplug! I don't even know where he is!” he said.

“Well, Buzz is right, it's our only lead, and he has to be under this rubble somewhere,” Melody said.

“Well...okay, we'll all pitch together to search for Sparkplug. Let's go team!” Shockwave announced.

The group searched under the rubble everywhere, trying to find the old lieutenant. Unown eventually found a four-sided yellow figure peaking from out of a pile of rubble. It was Sparkplug's tail! Unown used the only move he knew, Hidden Power, on the rubble over the Sparkplug's tail, releasing a field of energy, and blowing the rubble off of of the tail, revealing the fallen Sparkplug.


“Ughhhhhhhh....” the Luxray groaned.

“Look guys! I found him!” Unown shouted.

The group came rushing around Sparkplug, staring at his bruises.

Sparkplug jumped up quickly. “WHAT?! STOP STARING AT ME! GET AWAY! HOW DID YOU ALL SURVIVE?!” he shouted.

The group backed away, giving the Sparkplug space. Shockwave ignored the question and got closer to him. “Where is your master taking the legends?” he asked almost in a growl.

Sparkplug pointed his head up at the sky. “Why should I tell you?”

“Because you're just one Pokémon, we outnumber you and are VERY upset.” Shockwave spat.

Sparkplug snorted. “Whatever, I can take you all down again, no problem. But I might as well tell you. It's not like you'll be able to get there in time anyway....”

It's good he doesn't know Melody could teleport them, Shockwave thought.

“Well, my master is going to-...erm...well, actually...” a sweat drop formed on the Luxray's eyebrow. “I...don't really know what my master is going to do with them... He never actually told me, I just said all those things to seem scary...” he ducked his head down in shame.

Shockwave slapped his paw on his face in disappointment.

Sparkplug then raised his head and showed his teeth. “It doesn't matter anyway,” he began. “It's not like I'd tell you in the first place!” Electricity started to spark around him.

Buzz sighed. “For ONCE can we have a normal conversation with you! We just needed information, and we all know that we're not ready to fight, especially you.”

Sparkplug seemed to agree silently, he growled to show he could still be menacing, he even let out a bark for good measure and walked to the corner of the fallen pile of rubble.

“Well that's just great...” Shockwave whined. “Absolutely fantastic. We have to find Suicune with no clue where he is...AGAIN!”

Melody tried to support him. “Come on, I know we'll find him. He couldn't have walked too far...but it's getting late, we should get some rest, don't you think?” she said yawning.

Shockwave nodded. “Yeah, you're right...Lapras, Mantine, please take us off of this rubble.”

The two water Pokémon motioned for the group to get on their backs. Just as they were about to go, Buzz walked to the corner Sparkplug was in.

“Sparkplug?” he asked.

The Luxray grunted.

“There's only one thing I don't understand...your master said to catch up to him didn't he?”

“You can understand humans?”

“Yeah...I was captured once, I only know a little...but anyway that's what I heard him, and you said you didn't know where he was. So why would he say that if you didn't know his goal?”

Sparkplug turned his back toward Buzz. “It was his way of saying he doesn't need me anymore. My master likes to hide things in riddles.”

Buzz looked down. “Oh...”

“Yeah, but whatever! I don't need him, and I don't need you to talk to me! SCRAM!” he yelled.

Buzz started walking off. “So you're just going to stay here then?”

“Of course not! I'm going back to the wild, but first I need time to think about some things...so I'm staying here for a bit...wait, why am I getting all sappy to you? I said SCRAM!” he roared louder.

Buzz walked back to the group and onto the Mantine's back, he couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the beast..just a little bit.

I proof-read this so many times. That means there'll be no mistakes right? Right? RIGHT?
Also, sorry for this not being very eventful. I had to cut it short to revive this and show I didn't give up on it. Good news is though that this fanfiction is pretty much the only thing I'll be doing on Serebii now, so less boring waits!

 

[SuicuneScale]

Shockwave slapped his paw on his face in disappointment.

Facepaw. LOL
Nice chapter.

 

[Kutie Pie]

I proof-read this so many times. That means there'll be no mistakes right? Right? RIGHT?

*evil laugh, thunder clap*

Methinks you didn't proofread carefully enough. You can look over it as many times as possible, but it you were just skimming, you would miss a good amount of things. Such as the following:

He soon spotted Mantine and Lapras floating around the crash site, shifting through pieces of the broken tower, looking for others.

I know you meant that for Shuppet, but I think you need to reword it, since I mistook it for Mantine and Lapras.

“Oh! Shuppet! Of course we're alive, you are too I see...are there any more survivors” Mantine asked.

All right, for one thing, that's a run-on because of you have the punctuation marks in the wrong places. I think you meant to put one of the exclamation marks after "alive", thus it would be broken into two sentences. And the other is the question mark is missing.

“Yeah, but he's gone! We need to find him again, but not without the rest of the group, let's keep searching!” Shuppet suggested, then searched all around the rubble.

Again, run-on sentence. It'd look better in two separate sentences.

Mantine, Lapras, and Shuppet were all searching without luck, until a huge piece of rubble was uncovered, under it was Herdier.

As should this one.

“Hey Melody! Looks like we're all here. Mantine, Lapras, are you alright?

Forgot the end quotation marks.

“Your right, Melody.

*face-palm* Charmanderman... does the writing program you use let you know when there's grammar mistakes? If so, it should have caught this one. In most if not all, grammar mistakes are underlined in green. Spelling errors are underlined in red. Please take heed of them.

But if you're using a writing program that doesn't have that capability, I suggest using Microsoft Word. Surely all computers have Word on them.

“Well, Buzz is right, it's our only lead, and he has to be under this rubble somewhere” Melody said.

Forgot the comma after her dialogue.

“Well...okay, we'll all pitch together to search for Sparkplug, let's go team!” Shockwave announced.

Replace that comma with a period, it'll look better.

Unown used the only move he knew, Hidden Power on the rubble over the Sparkplug's tail, releasing a field of energy, and blowing the rubble off of of the tail, revealing the fallen Sparkplug.

There needs to be a comma after Hidden Power.

“Where is your master bringing the legends?” he asked almost in a growl.

That sounds a little odd. Replace it with "taking".

Shockwave slapped his paw on his face in disappointment.

That's a funny imagery, I have to admit.

“It's not like I'd tell you in the first place!” electricity started to move around him.

Capitalize "electricity", and I suggest replacing "move" with "spark", it sounds better.

Sparkplug seemed to agree silently, he growled to show he could still be menacing, he even let out a bark for good measure and walked to the corner of the floating pile of rubble.

This needs to be split into at least two sentences. Also, what's with floating piles of rubble? I think you meant something else.

Shockwave nodded. “Yeah, your right...

*foams at the mouth and babbles out nonsense*

*composes self* I'm okay... I just better not see anymore of tha--

Buzz started walking off. “So your just going to stay here then?”

*goes rabid again and trashes room*

*calms down again* Sorry about that...

Anyway, I was pleased to hear you are doing research on Eusine. I know very little about the guy, but I trust you are doing your best to get him in character.

I felt Sparkplug seemed a little bit out of character, just a little. I don't think he's the kind who would act like that out in the open. Even then, it wasn't the right moment for him to do so. It could have been used in a future chapter, depending on the circumstances of said chapter.

All in all, despite the mistakes I've happily pointed out, it's a breather chapter, not much more to be said.

*double-takes on hatchet in hand* Where'd that come from o_o?

 

[Charmanderman]

Actually...I don't have Word, no idea why I use Open Office, which is pretty good, except for what you pointed out...gee, that's embarrassing...

Also, I used floating as an adjective to describe how it's floating on the water. It's like an island composed out of the pieces of the fallen tower.

And i didn't understand the hatchet thing...-sweatdrop- :/

And finally, another reason that I forgot to mention on why this chapter was late is that my brain is trying to focus on another idea for a fanfiction that I might not even do. Blegh.

 

[Latios_lover]

On other great chapter, keep it up! Its hard for me too pick on your mistakes like kutie pie, so it's all the same for me. I LOVE your fic!

 

[Gelatino95]

Also, I used floating as an adjective to describe how it's floating on the water. It's like an island composed out of the pieces of the fallen tower.

Rocks don't float. Unless they're pumice, but nobody would make a tower out of pumice.

 

[Kutie Pie]

Actually...I don't have Word, no idea why I use Open Office, which is pretty good, except for what you pointed out...gee, that's embarrassing...

I use OpenOffice, it really is a good program. I actually haven't noticed it doesn't check grammar mistakes until you mentioned it. Strange. Well, for that you are forgiven, but still, I linked you back on the first page to a list of homonyms and their meanings you should have been looking at. So I take back that apology. *swipes away* Yoink.

Also, I used floating as an adjective to describe how it's floating on the water. It's like an island composed out of the pieces of the fallen tower.

Ah, I see, but Gelatino95 pointed out a large flaw in that. So I suppose it's best for you to go back and fix it up.

And i didn't understand the hatchet thing...-sweatdrop- :/

Lol, didn't expect you to... though you have been on Count to 60, so you should have noticed my creepiness... *stares*

And finally, another reason that I forgot to mention on why this chapter was late is that my brain is trying to focus on another idea for a fanfiction that I might not even do. Blegh.

Join the club. As a writer, you're going to get that a lot. I've always had issues with juggling numerous stories, which is why I held them off for just one right now. But they're sneaking up on me... *creepy, paranoia music plays*

 

[Charmanderman]

Alright fine, you got me, I'll change floating. And I also promise to use that page more often.

 

[SuicuneScale]

Revive the page!

 

[Charmanderman]

I...am...SO sorry. I said no more boring waits but I made one! I was just so busy, sorry again! ;_; But the chapter is up, here it is:


Buzz awoke by a bright light shining in his eyes, he must have overslept. Wait...when did he fall asleep anyway? He couldn't remember even feeling tired, and then there was a sharp pain in his forehead. He looked around the area, it was about were he was before, near the fallen tower the forested area, but it did NOT look like a forest anymore. Uprooted trees were all around, the occasional puddles were now just holes. What happened?

He tried to remember, and then it came to him. The wind, he remembered a storm..but not a normal storm. Something caused it...someone caused it. It was Sparkplug's master, he used Suicune to destroy this entire place. But where was his group? He really needed to stop losing people. Just as he was thinking that, he found the group right behind him. What a relief.

They all looked pretty good, give or take a few bruises. Buzz could tell this wasn't the last of the damage that would happen here, he was feeling another gust of wind and remembered that Suicune was the guardian of the north winds. Sparkplug's master must not be done with destroying this town.

Shockwave could sense it too. “Group! Suicune is coming for another attack! Hide behind anything you can find!” he ordered.

“Like what?!” demanded Herdier, “Everything is blown away! No trees, no rocks, NOTHING!”

Shockwave was thinking hard. “I...I don't know what else to do!” he confessed.

The stress was really on him now, Buzz thought. Then in the distance, he saw Suicune, running long steps with its muscular legs. His eyes looked so sad. Buzz could tell he didn't want to destroy this place, but he was being forced. Shockwave was terrified, this legend was strong and running straight for him. He tried to act tough, but he was absolutely terrified. Out from two bushes came Raikou and Entei, looking equally sad but menacing, and right behind them was the man behind it all, the mystical man, Eusine.

“We're dead!” Unown cried.

“It's the end!” moaned the usually happy Chansey.

“No, this is NOT the end. We're fighting, but not the beasts, just dodge them, if we get the man they won't have to be controlled.”

“Great plan.” Melody told Shockwave, smiling. “So, what are we waiting for? Let's get that human!” and she began to run.

The rest of the group followed orders and went running towards the beasts, who were running into them. Then, just as they were about to be trampled, Melody made a flash of purple light and teleported them right behind the man.

He quickly figured out was going on and swiveled a foot making him face the Pokémon's direction. “Welcome little creatures! You must be the ones who caused so many problems with poor Sparkplug. He failed to get rid of you, but I will not fail, I NEVER fail. My beasts, you may dispose of these pests.” he called to the trio.

“Some plan...” whispered Shuppet to Shockwave.

“Ignore them! Attack the human!” Shockwave called. A burst of electricity shot out of the Jolteon and hit Eusine in the rib, making him fall over.

The beasts turned and came running for the Pokémon, not paying attention to their fallen master. Entei shot a fireball towards Melody who teleported a few inches away from it, just enough length so it couldn't hit her. Then, Raikou let out a lightning bolt at Lapras, who ducked as much as he could and it blew right over his head.

On the ground, Eusine called to his Pokémon. “Focus on the Jolteon and Ampharos! They're the biggest problem!”

The legendaries nodded their heads and each blasted a beam of their respective elements at the two electric-type Pokémon. The beams were let out so fast, neither of the Pokémon had time to dodge and were blasted far behind the rest of the group.

“Shockwave! Buzz!” Melody shouted to them.

They just lay there, motionless in the grass. Without thinking, Melody shot a beam of purple, psychic energy at the beasts in a rage. The beam made contact with the beasts but it didn't do much besides make them mad. They began to charge faster and tackled the entire group. With the group fallen, Eusine slowly rose up.

“Tsk, tsk, serves you right for trying to stop me! With Suicune I can now show the world the true power of the mystical man, Eusine! See, people always thought that I was crazy for trying to find Suicune, I just wanted to complete my grandfather's wish. But now, with the power of the beast in my hands I will show the world his power. And no one will think I'm crazy, they'll know me as the most powerful being in all of Johto!

"But why stop there? Why not get known in every region! Starting with Unova, and since I destroyed this town, all the residents fled and will spread my legend. THE LEGEND OF THE MYSTICAL MAN, EUSINE!” he stopped for a little bit. “Oh dear, I'm talking to Pokémon...Well, I'm off to Castelia City, I'm sure I'd get my legend known there. Ta-ta!” The man jumped onto Suicune's back and rode away, the other two beasts following close behind.

Shockwave got up from the ground he was laying on. “What did that guy say?” he asked Buzz.

Buzz got up too. “Something about using the beasts to be the most powerful being in the world. By that, he means he's going to destroy cities so people know him. Next stop, Castelia.”

Shocked started grinding his teeth in frustration. “We can't let him hurt people and Pokémon! We need to get there before him!”

The rest of the group slowly got up too and ran towards Shockwave and Buzz to hear more of their chat.

“Luckily we have a teleporter, eh, Melody?” Herdier said.

Melody was the most bruised one of all. “Ugh...I don't think I can...Not without proper healing....” she groaned.

Chansey's eye lit up. “I can heal you! I can probably heal you all, and we should get something to eat before we start this mission!”

She walked over to a tree stump that wasn't completely destroyed, dug into the pouch she had her egg in and pulled out dozens of berries. At least 15 for all of them, Shockwave wondered how she could fit them all in the small pouch of hers. The group went over to the tree stump and made a fest with all the berries. Chansey plucked out one new berry for each of them. “This should make you all healthy!” she announced and gave one to each of the Pokémon, she ate one for herself too.

After eating the berry and her meal, Melody was so surprised, the berry healed her instantly! “Alright, I think I can take you to Castelia City now. Oh, and thank you Chansey!”

Chansey winked. “Don't mention it!”

The rest of the group finished their meals and huddled around the Alakazam. “Are you sure you're ready? With all the beasts that man is probably already at Castelia, it might be too late...” she explained.

“If there's any chance we have to take it. And we really need to get back the legendaries, I can tell they hate being controlled.” Shockwave said.

“You sure you want to go?” Melody asked again.

“Are you worried?”

“A little...Just a few of us Pokémon against three big legendaries, that is a bit worrying, don't you think?”

Shockwave thought about it. “Yeah...I guess so...we might not have a chance...” he confessed.

“No,” a mysterious voice called. “You will win, because it's not just you, we're going to help.”

Shockwave turned around and saw an amazing sight. All the members of the Zap Squad and Magma Tribe were standing there, leaded by one Pokémon, Sparkplug.

“We heard what happened to our leaders from Sparkplug, and we're going to help fight that man and take them back. Besides, this war is over now, might as well have one last fight, and this one is for a good reason.” explained an Electrode.

“But...how did Sparkplug tell you guys so fast? How did you get here so fast? Why is Sparkplug even helping?” Shockwave asked.

Sparkplug answered this. “Right before Suicune came and destroyed this place Melody saw me standing around. She asked if I needed help and I told her to teleport me to Johto, she did but she didn't know why. She must have thought that I was just going to go back home. But at Johto I told these two teams what was happening, and they wanted to help. We came back here quickly by a huge electric bird Pokémon. It was so fast, sad to say it couldn't help us battle my old master though. And finally, I'm only helping you for a bit of revenge on my master, is that good enough for you?”

“Perfect.” Shockwave said smiling. “Alright Melody, let's go!”

 

[FieryLucario]

Oh cool, new chapter! I like how Sparkplug helped them in the end, and they was so funny when Eusine said, oh dear I'm talking to Pokemon. Can't wait for the next chapter!

 

[Gelatino95]

I...am...SO sorry. I said no more boring waits but I made one! I was just so busy, sorry again!

That's okay, plenty of people make their chapters way slower than you. Work at your own speed.

Something caused it...someone caused it, it was Sparkplug's master, he used Suicune to destroy this entire place.

Run-on sentence.

Buzz could tell this wasn't the last of the damage that would happen here, he was feeling another gust of wind and remembered that Suicune was the guardian of the north winds.

And another one...

Then in the distance, he saw Suicune, running long steps with it's muscular legs.

Oops. It's a possessive pronoun, so it should just be "its".

His eyes looked so sad, Buzz could tell he didn't want to destroy this place, but he was being forced.

And yet ANOTHER run-on sentence.

Shockwave was terrified, this legend was strong and running straight for him.

From now on, if I find a run-on sentence, I just won't say anything. I'm tired of having to say, "run-on sentence!"

Out from two bushes came Raikou and Entei, looking equally sad but menacing, and right behind them was the man behind it all, the mystical man. Eusine.

This isn't really a run-on sentence, but "Eusine" at the end is exactly the opposite. It's a sentence fragment. A sentence must have both a subject and a verb, so don't leave words by themselves as sentences, even if you are trying to demonstrate the importance of Eusine in this case.

“We're fighting, but not the beasts, just dodge them, if we get the man they won't have to be controlled.”

“Great plan.” Melody told Shockwave smiling.

Should be a comma separating "Shockwave" and "smiling".

"You must be the ones who caused so many problems with poor, Sparkplug.

Unnecessary comma.

The beams were let out so fast, neither of the Pokémon had time to dodge and were blasted far behind the rest of the group.

"See, people always thought that I was crazy for trying to find Suicune, I just wanted to complete my grandfathers wish."

At least 15 for all of them, Shockwave wondered how she could fit them all in the small pouch of hers.

The group went over to the tree stump and made a fest with all the berries.

I think this is supposed to be "feast".

“This should make you all healthy!” she announced and gave one to each of the Pokémon, she ate one for herself too.

After eating the berry and her meal, Melody was so surprised, the berry healed her instantly!

“And we really need to get back the legendaries, I can tell they hate being controlled.”

“A little...Just a few of us Pokémon against three big legendaries, that is a bit worrying, don't you think?”

“You will win, because it's not just you, we're going to help.”

All the members of the Zap Squad and Magma Tribe were standing there, leaded by one Pokémon, Sparkplug.

"Leaded" should be "lead" and I think you need a colon before "Sparkplug".

“She asked if I needed help and I told her to teleport me to Johto, she did, but she didn't know why, she must have thought that I was just going to go back home.

 

[Kutie Pie]

Gelatino did the critique, but I'm gonna do a little more that I saw myself! Muah ha ha ha!

First off, I must say, you ARE improving. This chapter had a different feel to it, and I like it.

Buzz awoke by a bright light shining in his eyes, he must have overslept. Wait...when did he fall asleep anyway? He couldn't remember even feeling tired, and then there was a sharp pain in his forehead. He looked around the area, it was about were he was before, near the fallen tower the forested area, but it did NOT look like a forest anymore. Uprooted trees were all around, the occasional puddles were now just holes. What happened?

This confused me. I thought they were looking for the Beast Trio and something happened off-screen? Wha? I'm just glad Buzz was as confused as I was.

“Tsk, tsk, serves you right for trying to stop me! With Suicune I can now show the world the true power of the mystical man, Eusine! See, people always thought that I was crazy for trying to find Suicune, I just wanted to complete my grandfathers wish. But now, with the power of the beast in my hands I will show the world his power. And no one will think I'm crazy, they'll know me as the most powerful being in all of Johto! But why stop there? Why not get known in every region! Starting with Unova, and since I destroyed this town, all the residents fled and will spread my legend. THE LEGEND OF THE MYSTICAL MAN, EUSINE!” he stopped for a little bit. “Oh dear, I'm talking to Pokémon...Well, I'm off to Castelia City, I'm sure I'd get my legend known there. Ta-ta!” The man jumped onto Suicune's back and rode away, the other two beasts following close behind.

This paragraph is a bit big. I suggest cutting it like at the part where he paused. (That's a funny line, "I'm talking to Pokémon" xD.)

Another is the bolded part is missing the apostrophe.

Shocwave got up from the ground he was laying on. “What did that guy say?” he asked Buzz.

Oh noes, you spelled his name wrong D8!

“No,” a mysterious voice called. “You will win, because it's not just you, we're going to help.”

Shockwave turned around and saw an amazing sight. All the members of the Zap Squad and Magma Tribe were standing there, leaded by one Pokémon, Sparkplug.

What a twist!

It's normal for there to be a wait in between chapters. It's understandable if you had ran into a problem and needed time to solve it, everyone goes through it. In fact, I think that long wait worked, this chapter is the most well-written chapter in this story so far. *clap clap clap*

Keep it up!

 

[Gelatino95]

No offense, but can you take me off the PM list? I already have a ton of fics on my plate... and don't worry, I don't have anything against you.

 

[Charmanderman]

That's alright, I understand that. You're off now. Also a new chapter...yay?


The army of Pokémon appeared in the big city, luckily, no sign of Suicune or his new master. The Pokémon still had time for plans, which of course would be made by Shockwave.

“Alright, we need to cover all entrances to start my plan.” he said.

Buzz looked confused. “Your plan being?”

“We set up ropes near all the entrances so when that guy comes riding on Suicune, it will trip Suicune so his master will fall off and then we come and destroy those Master Balls he has, releasing the beasts!” Shockwave explained.

“It could work...” Herdier thought.

“Well unless you can think of anything else that's what I'm going with.”

“Alright, but where will we get the ropes?” Melody asked.

“Look around!” Shockwave exclaimed. “Ropes are everywhere.” he said pointing to electricity cables. “Now watch out....” and Shockwave blasted one of the wires down with his own electricity.

It fell to the ground sparking slightly and Shockwave picked it up in his mouth, dragging the long wire. “Now Herdier, chew this cable into five pieces. Four for those alley ways and one for the bridge entrance.”

“No way! That thing will electrocute me if I chew it.” Herdier yelled.

“Oh, right!” Shockwave said and drained the electricity into himself. “Now chew it, your teeth are stronger than mine.”

Herdier chewed the cable into five even pieces with no risk of being shocked. “Now what?”

“Now I need two members each to carry the cables and tie them over the entrances.”

Two members for each cable immediately came up and brought them to an entrance, then tied them there. Humans who entered the city seemed puzzled and annoyed by the cables and either jumped over or ducked under it. Shockwave figured that Suicune would be running too fast to have time to jump over it.

“So what now?” Chansey asked.

“Now we station an even amount of Pokémon to each entrance and wait until Suicune trips over the wire.” Shockwave explained and divided the entire team into even groups and sent them to each entrance. Shockwave, Buzz, and Melody stayed at the docks, hoping for a sign of Suicune coming.

They waited for only about a minute, and he came, Suicune came with his new master riding on his back. But he didn't come from where Shockwave expected, he came from the water, right from the water next to the docks. How could he even breath from under there? Was that even possible? But he couldn't think that. His plan failed, and Suicune was here just about to tackle him.

Shockwave tried to dodge but Suicune slammed into him and ran towards a building. Shockwave heard commotion from two of the entrances, so he ran towards one on the left and was hit by a fire ball. Entei entered from there, but he was so strong the cord snapped in half when he ran into it. Shockwave figured the same thing happened with Raikou at the other entrance. The two other beasts ran to the building that their master and Suicune were at, the beasts all roared in unison. Shockwave was not going to give up, so his plan didn't work, whatever. He'd take down the beasts, he had an army with him.

He ordered his Pokémon to charge at the beasts which they did immediately. Unfortunately, Eusine was prepared and ordered his Pokémon to their elemental beams at the attacking Pokémon. Only one Magmar managed to hit Raikou, but was swatted away after he tried to tackle him.

“Mmm, so much trouble to go through to save a city. I didn't even know Pokémon were this caring...” Eusine said.

Shockwave couldn't understand what the human said, but he knew it was probably meant to tease him. That just made him mad, more mad than he already was that his plan had failed. He got up and growled loudly at the man. He was sparking with bright yellow jolts of electricity and shot one bolt toward him, unfortunately the man ordered Suicune to jump over it and it crashed into the doors of the building.

Shockwave roared in anger and commanded his army of Pokémon to run behind the building. They didn't understand the directions but decided not to argue, the Jolteon looked pretty mad. Once all the Pokémon were behind the building Shockwave told them to climb it. The building was pretty large, but not skyscraper height, like the size of an apartment building. Some of the Pokémon groaned but as soon as they saw the beast running after them they accepted Shockwave's orders and started climbing.

When they were half way up the beasts started clawing at the building but saw that they weren't tall enough to reach. “No you fools!” Eusine said. “Long-ranged attacks! They're too high up!”

The beasts understood and each shot a laser out of their mouths into the Pokémon, most of the ones that were hit fell off and hit the ground hard, some were missed and some hung in there. Shockwave, Buzz, and Sparkplug were highest so luckily they weren't harmed, but Sparkplug's tail did get in a close call with a flamethrower.

“Hang on!” Shockwave called.

“What do you think I'm doing?!” Sparkplug yelled.

“Move left a bit Sparkplug! Melody's climbing up near you.” Buzz said.

Sparkplug made a growling sound and moved a bit, leaving room for Melody to climb up.

“Thanks.” Melody said squeezing in the space between Sparkplug and Buzz.

They reached the top off the building with some other Pokémon, while the legendary beasts were still firing their beams even though the steep roof of the building was preventing any contact with the Pokémon.

The beasts also tried to climb the building but were too heavy and ended up falling. They growled and roared but the other Pokémon were too high up to care. The Pokémon that fell on the bottom managed to run away before the legendaries could attack them. But the Pokémon on the building were okay, and awaiting instructions from Shockwave.

“Alright everybody, lean against the edge of the building and focus any attacks you can at that man, not the beasts. It's not their fault that they're attacking us, we just need to take down their master and they'll be free, got it?” Shockwave said.

The group muttered words of approval and leaned over the side of the building and shot lasers, fire, and electricity all aimed at the man on top of Suicune. One hit and he fell off the beast and ordered them to fire any of their attacks that they had at the Pokémon. Since they were closer to the edge of the roof now, a water blast from Suicune hit an entire half of the Pokémon knocking them backwards.

Unfortunately, Shockwave was in the half that was hit. The water sprayed onto the roof of the building making it slippery, and combined with the slippery roof and the water's impact Shockwave flung of the opposite side of the building along with a few other of the Pokémon who were hit and didn't find something to hold onto.

Shockwave fell into a street, feet away from an oncoming car. Being too injured to move quickly enough, he risked laying flat on the road just for it to brush by. Knowing more cars would be coming, he carefully rolled to the safety of the sidewalk.
Buzz was still on the building trying to blast Eusine with his electricity, who seemed to get annoyed and he finally snapped. “That's it...destroy this building. Crush it and show those Pokémon the true power of Eusine!”

The beasts charged at the building cracking it, then once again and it started to fall. At the bottom of it Shockwave yelled to his group. “Get off! Jump off the bulding! NOW!” He yelled.

“We'll be crushed!” a small Magnemite said.

“I'll teleport you all, just gather around me.” Melody said and flashed with a purple light making her and all the other Pokémon appear right next to Shockwave.

“Now we need to stop this building from falling! People are in here and it's heading straight for us. Push it up!” he yelled.

The Pokémon all raced to the falling building and began pushing it upright. With all the Pokémon's strength together it was brought up in no time. But the beasts were right behind them, and Eusine was burnt and electrocuted, but he did not give up. The beasts growled and roared, and he clenched his fists.

“Shockwave....” Herdier said. “What's our plan now?”

“Plan?” Shockwave clenched his teeth. “Our plan is to fight.”

 

[Kutie Pie]

“Now chew it, your teeth are stranger than mine.”

I think you meant "stronger", but that's hilarious.

Humans who entered the city seemed puzzled and annoyed by the cables and either jumped over or ducked under it.

Are you suggesting they were setting up the trap while people were around? That's so stealthy of you, Shockwave. But even then, that sentence either needs to be reworded a little bit or taken out entirely, it's rather... out-of-place a bit if not just odd.

When they were half way up the beasts started clawing at the building but saw that they weren't tall enough to reach. “No you fools!” Eusine said. “Long-ranged attacks! They're too high up!”

o_o... I think the beasts became dumber when they were captured... or something.

Shockwave hit the ground hard, he noticed he was in a street, and a big car was headed straight at him. He was to hurt to move but if he didn't he'd be run over. He struggled to move but couldn't, he'd have to risk laying flat and hoping he wouldn't be run over. So he lay as flat as he could and the car just brushed past his fur. More cars would be coming soon, so he knew he had to move, he tried to roll around slowly and carefully and reached the sidewalk before another car came.

There is such a thing as being too descriptive. Why don't you just say this:

Shockwave fell into a street, feet away from an oncoming car. Being too injured to move quickly enough, he risked laying flat on the road just for it to brush by. Knowing more cars would be coming, he carefully rolled to the safety of the sidewalk.

It sounds better, doesn't it? It's also not repetitive, which is something you have been using a whole lot. I keep telling you not to be so repetitive, it gets very redundant.

Buzz was still on the building trying to blast Eusine with his electricity, who seemed to get annoyed and he finally snapped. “That's it...destroy this building. Crush it and show those Pokémon the true power of Eusine!”

The beasts charged at the building cracking it, then once again and it started to fall.

Um... what kind of building was it? You never stated, and even if you did, the description was too all over the place, and I doubt three legendary beasts can topple a building over even IF they are powerful beings.

Overall, it was just a chapter to show Eusine is in control of the beasts. Shockwave's plan may have fallen short because the ropes he used are most likely wires, and judging by how much wire they used, it wouldn't have been enough to stop the beasts. If the wires were any thinner, and there were enough of them, had they run into it, it would have cut them rather cleanly, with messy results.

Hopefully the fight scenes are done well enough I can keep up with what is going on. This is most likely the climax, so I suggest taking your time with it, try to make it as awesome as possible, okay? End this story with a bang.

 

[Charmanderman]

Alright thanks, I was actually pleased with only a few mistakes you pointed out. Hopefully that's all but just in case I better check a fourth time.

Also I'll try to make it as awesome as possible. I have the ending planned but I need a few more details to add onto the fight scene, I've had experience with those in other books I've written. (To be clear I've written other books and such. This is my first fan-fiction though. And those books were a lot more terrible than this and were filled with tons of grammatical errors. But I have to say the fight scenes were pretty good. At least that's how I remember them so let's hope this one is good too!)