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The Jade Dragon

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Ayra, May 27, 2011.

  1. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    This is my second fic ever.

    The Jade Dragon

    Prelude

    Long ago the world was in utter chaos. Terror and confusion ruled the land for centuries on end. All this was caused by the Hell Dragon and the Dark Soldiers. Then, in 15000 CE(Chaos Era), a green dragon and a white warrior appeared. The white warrior wielded the Hell's bane weapon, the Sword of White Light. Together, the white warrior and the green dragon banished the Hell Dragon to the Demon Plane, Soon after, a prophecy was made that said the Hell Dragon would reappear and the white warrior would be reincarnated 1500 years later without the traits of the the white warrior but only the reincarnation would be able to kill the Hell Dragon and rid the world of Aisho of his threat. In order to retain his traits, the white warrior converted all his powers into essences and scattered them across the world. They could only be retrieved by those of his bloodline for the prophecy stated that the white warrior would reincarnate into his bloodline. In order to preserve them, the white warrior, known as the Warrior of Light, sealed the Sword of White Light and the green dragon, known as the Jade Dragon, away.

    Then, in 1200 FE(Flourish Era), the Hell Dragon emerged from the depths of the Demon Plane. He set out to wipe out the Warrior of Light's bloodline to prevent the prophecy. He killed many of the Warrior of Light's descendants. At the same time, he sent the commanders of the Dark Soldiers, the Hell Creatures, to the shrines that held the essences of the Warrior of Light that were sealed away.

    Now, 300 years later, all that remains of the Warrior of Light's bloodline is a young girl and her mother who live in the Storm Mountains, unknown to the world that believes the hero's line is gone and nothing can save them from the Hell Dragon and the Dark Soldiers.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    I know it's short. I made it on the spot.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  2. chanseychansey77

    chanseychansey77 Elite Trainer

    Two pages on Microsoft Word is the minimum for a chapter/prologue. I wouldn't just make these on the spot, planning is important. I'm sorry to say this, but your story, to me, sounds quite like the plot of nearly every RPG ever. I feel It'd be more suspenseful if there was more than one descendent of the white warrior, don't you? We could see them all, their triumphs, their failures, there might be a death amongst them, I dunno. At the end, one of them would rise triumphant as a worthy descendent of the white warrior! Then, it doesn't feel as though the whole plot is see-through.
     
  3. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Just to clarify that. It's a bit iffy but prologues can be just fine if they are less than two pages imo (and thy typically can be anyway).

    But chanseychansey77 does have a point - you'd want to save your work in a word document or something like that and take your time working on the story - the plot, how the characters develop/what they do, and so forth. It tends to make for a more interesting story if you put the time into editing/planning then making it up as you go.
     
  4. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    Here's chapter one.

    Chapter 1

    My name is Ayra Pendragn. I'm sixteen years old and live with my mom in a small house in the Storm Mountains. Oh yeah, the Storm Mountains are called that because, near the bottom of the mountains, like 3000 miles above the ground, there's a never ending storm. Although the storm lets up at the summer and winter solstice. That's the day the people who live on the Storm Mountains take their goods and sell them at the fair in the village at the base of the Storm Mountains. Now, I'm 5'3”, I know, I'm short. I have long blond hair and blue eyes. I wear a white dress with a light blue belt, and light blue shoulder guards. I'm a swordsman. I have a plain steel sword and a plain white shield. Since my mom is kinda sickly, I do the house chores, cooking, and bringing in game. I also tend to my mom with my healing magic.

    “Mom! I'm home!” I call. I go to my mom's room to check on her.

    I look identical to my mom. She's laying down in her bed and looks up when I come in.

    “Welcome home Ayra.” she says.

    “I brought a deer home for dinner. I'm gonna take a nap then get dinner started.” I say.

    “Okay.” Mom replies.

    I go to my room, get into my bed, close my eyes, and go to sleep.

    I should mention, for a good while I've been having bizarre dreams. They always involve a tall man who I've never seen before, but looks oddly familiar, wielding a fancy white sword, fighting against powerful monsters. I can never make heads or tails of the dreams. When I told mom about the dreams, she got really nervous and told me to never dwell on the dreams. But, I can never shake the feeling that I knew the man in the dreams. But, at the same time, I'm positive I've never seen him before.

    After my nap, I go make dinner. I take mom's portion to her, eat my portion and preserve the rest. I then head to bed, and have the worst dream ever.

    I'm standing in a huge black temple with obsidian pillars. I turn around and I see a huge black dragon with red eyes, the Hell Dragon. Then, A monster approaches the Hell Dragon. The monster's bottom half is the tail of a Seminatrix pygaea, Black Swamp Snake, and the top half of a man down to the waist. He's clothed in black, a Dark Soldier.

    “My master, we may have found them.” he says.

    “Are you confident in your findings?” the Hell Dragon rumbles.

    “Yes sir.” the snakeman replies. “I've sent 10 of my brethren to wipe them out.”

    “Where are they?” the Hell Dragon asks.

    “In the...”

    I wake up.

    “What was that?” I wonder. I get up and get ready for hunting.

    “Mom, I'm going out to get some boar meat for breakfast.” I call.

    “Okay,” Mom says. “Be careful.”

    A couple hours later, I return home with two giant boars. When I walk in, I find the house ransacked. I run to my mom's room. I find her on the floor in a pool of blood.

    “Mom! Don't move, I'll try and heal the wound.”

    I work my strongest healing spell, but nothing happens.

    “Ayra, it's time for you to know.” my mom says, in a faint voice.

    “Know what?” I ask, tears running down my cheeks.

    “The dreams you've been having are not dreams, but memories.” my mom says.

    “Memories of what?” I ask.

    “Of your past life.” my mom replies. “You are the reincarnation of the Warrior of Light.”

    “Me?!” I exclaim.

    “Yes.” my mom says. “I packed everything you'll need, the pack is in the boiler room. Go to the top of the mountain. There you'll find the Shrine of Lightning. It is there that you'll find the first essence of your former self. You must journey through Aisho and regain yourself.”

    “Okay mom, I will.” I say.

    “Good luck Ayra, I love you my dear daughter.”

    With that last statement, my mother dies. I go outside and get the pack mom told me to get, and head up the path that leads to the Shrine of Lightning. My journey to regain myself has begun.

    -------------------------------------------------------

    It's kinda short, but it is what it is.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     

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