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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Polls' started by TheWatersGreatGuardian, Jul 20, 2011.

  1. CuriousHeartless

    CuriousHeartless Well-Known Member

    Okay, I got one.

    When does a blond have two brain cells?

    When she's pregnant.
     
  2. OK.

    Three women are about to get executed. One is a brunette, another auburn, and the third blonde. The executioners plan to kill the auburn haired girl first.

    "Ready, loaded-"

    "TORNADO!" the woman cried. All the executioners ducked, and she escaped.

    The same thing happened with the brunette, except she shouted, "TSUNAMI!" She escaped.

    The last one left was the blonde.

    "Ready, loaded," Then the blonde cried,

    "FIRE!"

    I once read a book called Books are Officially Taboo.
     
  3. Devil's Apprentice

    Devil's Apprentice ~Orian Adventures~

    I've noticed that lots of these are Blonde jokes - which I take offense too, though I'm pretty sure the stereotype only refers to women, but still.

    Prof. Oak Jokes (I am not claiming these as my own, just sharing them):

    Oak says: I have studied pokemon my whole life. Here, take my pokedex, it's empty
    Oak says: What is your name? Are you sure?
    Oak says: Don't ride your bike indoors. My voice will haunt you if you do
    Oak says: There are over 600 pokemon. I have three
    Oak says: Your lv. 100 Charizard can't burn down that tree. But your lv. 1 paras can cut it
     
  4. Jacobthepokemonfreak

    Jacobthepokemonfreak Fly it all away!

    There's a chicken and a duck at the side of the road.
    The Chicken says "whatever you do DON'T cross, you'll never hear the end of it".

    A guy comes into work late.
    Boss: You should have been here at 8:30
    Guy: What happened at 8:30

    There is a guy walking past a house that says on a sign: Talking Dog $50
    Intrigued, the guy comes in and asks to see the dog.
    The owner brings the guy into the living room where the dog is and leaves.
    The dog says "Hi" and the guy shocked says "WOW, where did you learn to talk?"
    The dog replies "the CIA trained me to listen into peoples conversations to uncover secret plots and the like."
    The guy and dog chat for a while and the owner comes in. "Why are you selling him for only $50, a dog of his skill and Calibre must be worth MILLIONS!?"
    The owner replies "Oh, he hasn't been feeding you that rubbish about the CIA has he?"
     
  5. Jhonny

    Jhonny Officially The Worst

    Why do seagulls have wings?

    So that they can beat the Jippo's to the tip.

    ...
     
  6. bob_is_cool

    bob_is_cool back again...

    A guy walks into a bar

    gets drunk, calls a cab, and goes home
     
  7. GalladeX

    GalladeX Well-Known Member

    Do I know any jokes about sodium?

    Na.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2011
  8. Priceless

    Priceless **** this, i'm out

    What has 3 legs and a prick on top of it?

    A drum stool.
     
  9. I-am-the-peel

    I-am-the-peel Justice Forever

    Hmmm, a common one that I know:
    A patient goes to see their doctor
    Doctor: I have bad news and worse news
    Patient: Oh crap, whats the bad news
    Doctor: The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live...
    Patient: Good god! Thats terrible! But how can the other news be possibly worse?
    Doctor: Well, the worse news is, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!
    Another one, slightly creepy
    A patient goes to there doctor:
    Patient: Doc, I have a problem, Everytime I sleep on the bed, I fear there is something underneath it and everytime I sleep under the bed I fear there is something above it: What should I do?
    Doctor: Do not worry, I shall fix your bed so it works.
    The doctor slices the legs on the bed and the patient does the same...And the good doctor slept ever since... ;)


    A doctor who tells riddles tells the following to a pregnant woman in hospital, slightly creepey as well:
    Doctor: Are you feeling ok? Here is a riddle to keep your mind off things, what moves with four legs, then with two legs and finally three legs?
    Patient: Erm, a human being, as a baby it crawls on four then as an adult it walks with two and as an elderly person, it uses a cane.
    Doctor: Good try but the answer to all three is a baby, true it crawls on all fours but I could force it to hobble on two and then give it a crutch to try with three...
    Patient: Oh my god! Nurse! Nurse! (Doctor gives Patient morphine, she falls asleep)
    Doctor: Nurse! She has had morphine to calm her done, I think I will keep her under observation and after she goes through labour, I will keep her child under observation too...
    Nurse: Of course doctor, all your other patients like her have been so safe, they have never needed to come back here!

    The first one was from a Batman cartoon and the last two from "Arkham Asylum" though I changed the last one. Who wants more?

    Edit: Rank Up! Its a sign that I should do more. :D

    Edit 2: And on the ligher side, here is a science one...
    Helium goes into a bar and asks:
    Helium: I would like a pint of beer please
    Bartender: (The Bartender does not react)
    Helium: Fine, I will call my friends for a drink (Calls friends for a drink but there is no response and the phone does not react)
    Helium: Great, I'll just go home. (He finds his home is on fire)
    Helium: I don't care anymore! (Runs into fire and sits on chair, watching television as the room is surrounded by fire)
    Helium: Why am I still alive? (The fire did not react with Helium)

    (Get it? Because the element helium does not react with any element!) :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2011
  10. #Gecko#

    #Gecko# The Essential One

    OK, so a blonde finds a magic lamp. She rubs it and a gene comes out.

    The gene says "Listen I been having too much work lately so I will only grant you one wish."

    The blonde agrees and then asks, "I want to travel to Europe so bad, but I'm extremely afraid of heights and I get seasick very easily. So, I wish for a giant bridge from the U.S. to Europe so I can go by car instead."

    "What?! NO!!!" the gene replies, "Do you know everything I would have to do for that to happen!!! Not to mention the expenses, and time for such a big project. So pick another wish."

    The blonde thinks and replies, "Well, I'm also tired of people making fun of us blondes because were stupid, so I wish all blondes were very intelligent."

    So the gene says "So how many lanes do you want on your bridge?" :D
     
  11. sonic507

    sonic507 Come at me Flower!

    whats worse than fining a worm in you apple?

    Finding only half a worm, since that means you ATE half a worm, Lol
     
  12. Devil's Apprentice

    Devil's Apprentice ~Orian Adventures~

    Here are some things called "Anti-Jokes"

    Because he was hit by a bus

    Red Paint

    The Holocaust

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    To
    To Whom

    Grass. I lied about the wheels

    Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

    Anti Jokes!
     
  13. Dragon Trainer X

    Dragon Trainer X 良い感じ!

    Hmmm... here are some Chuck Norris jokes.
    Once Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    Chuck Norris can stop the beat.
    Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
    Everybody loves Raymond, except Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
    Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame.
    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries :(
    Nagasaki was never bombed by America. America just had Chuck Norris jump from a plane and punch the ground.
    Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding >_>
    Chuck Norris can't stop me from finishing this se
     

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