Eternalserenity
Wanderer
Joe: My aunt collects fleas for a living.
Josh: What does your uncle do?
Joe: Scratch.
Josh: What does your uncle do?
Joe: Scratch.
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The joke thread
- Thread starter TheWatersGreatGuardian
- Start date
TeamRocketGrunt
WobbWobbWobb Wobrudo
There once was a woman who lived in a shoe.
She really didn't like it.
She really didn't like it.
Ðãmon Howe
Stop posting DH.
What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Hail!
Eternalserenity
Wanderer
Did you hear about the banker who could no longer ride a bike because he lost his balance?
A panda walks into a restaurant. He ordered a meal, shot the manager, and left. Before he left, a waitress asked him why he shot the manager. He said "Look me up in the dictionary". So they looked up "panda"
Eats shoots and leaves!
Eternalserenity
Wanderer
George: What did you get the little medal for?
Steve: For singing.
George: What did you get the big medal for?
Steve: For stopping.
Steve: For singing.
George: What did you get the big medal for?
Steve: For stopping.
Joy to dark and grossly offensive jokes!
What's the difference between a dentist and a orphadontist?
orphadontist have better magazines. I'm a dentist just for the jokes.
Eternalserenity
Wanderer
Teacher: Where is your pencil, Harold?
Harold: I ain't got none.
Teacher: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harold? Now listen: I do not have a pencil, you do not have a pencil, they do not have a pencil...
Now, Harold, do you understand?
Harold: Not really. What happened to all the pencils?
Harold: I ain't got none.
Teacher: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harold? Now listen: I do not have a pencil, you do not have a pencil, they do not have a pencil...
Now, Harold, do you understand?
Harold: Not really. What happened to all the pencils?
Eternalserenity
Wanderer
Logical Reasoning
He who steals from me... steals from a poor man.
He who steals from a poor man... steals trash.
He who steals trash... is a poor thief.
He who is a poor thief... starves.
He who starves... dies.
Then the logic is quite clear...
Dead people are stealing my trash!
He who steals from me... steals from a poor man.
He who steals from a poor man... steals trash.
He who steals trash... is a poor thief.
He who is a poor thief... starves.
He who starves... dies.
Then the logic is quite clear...
Dead people are stealing my trash!
Ðãmon Howe
Stop posting DH.
An athiest skeptic is walking along the beach (as atheist skeptics are frequently wont to do) near a vacation resort he's spending the summer at; it's approaching sunset, and he's out enjoying the salty air, and walking over the cool, sea-shell littered sand. Suddenly, and inexplicably, a loud booming voice thunders down from the heavans.
"DIG."
The man blinks. Knowing he is alone, he wonders if it's his imagination, or if he's suffering from sleep deprivation without realizing it.
The voice booms again, louder and angrier. "I SAID DIG!"
The man looks around, startled to realize he is the sole target of the voice. Whatever the source, it's very threatening. Fearful of corporeal harm, the man immediately drops to his knees, and starts scooping sand away with his bare hands. After a scant sixty seconds, he notices a hard wooden object. His curiosity piqued, he slowly excavates the object, discovering it to be a large wooden strongbox, with metal bracings and a rusty old padlock.
By now, he's almost forgotten about the voice...but it returns, as deapheningly loud as before. "THE ROCK."
The man gives a nervous shrug to no-one in particular, grabs a nearby rock, and smashes the ancient, decaying padlock open.
"OPEN."
Not having to be told twice, the atheist skeptic (still not convinced of any paranormal activity, simply assuming he is either hallucinating, or is somehow suffering a trick from his resoruceful atheist, skeptical compatriots) opens the creaky old chest. Under a layer of fetid water, rotten fungus and decomposing plant matter, the man is rendered speechless at the sight of a massive pile of gold and silver doubloons, cut jewels, and fine jewelry, apparently of spanish origin.
The voice booms once more. "ROUTE 87."
The man picks up the enormously heavy chest, and manages to lug the strongbox to the roadside.
"EAST."
By now, the man is far too curious (and to a degree, afraid) to disobey the commanding voice now. He caries the heavy box down the highway, on foot... despite his excellent health and superior physique, the gold is tremendously heavy, and he is soon approaching exhaustion. His clothes are all sweaty and unkempt, and he is covered with sand and dirt from digging, and smells like fetid seawater. By the time he finally reaches the nearest city, it is well past nightfall, and he looks likes a miserable wreck.
"TO THE CASINO!"
'...okay then!' the man thinks, and wearily heads for the largest, most glamorous casino in town. Surrounded by hob-nobbing millionaires in tuxedos and evening gowns, he rapidly gains the attention of the entire building.
"TO THE CASHIER!"
This time, when the voice booms down, everybody in the entire building immediately looks up, quite startled and mystified. The man struggles to carry the heavy box the last few feet to the change counter, his last dregs of strength quickly fading. Nobody dares approach him, but every eye in the room is fixed on him, and he is unknowingly the recipient of their undivided attention. He drops the strongbox onto the table. The banker, wide-eyed and astonished, franticaly begins weghing and appraising the huge pile of treasure, and finally gives the ragged looking man a huge pile of chips.
"TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!"
Everyone lookes up again, startled by the booming voice. By now, everyone in the casino is following the man to the roulette table, their attention completely captivated. He puts the pile of chips on the table.
"DOUBLE ZERO!"
The man attempts to put the entire pile of chips on double zero; it forms a sizable pile, and the employee at the table eventualy convinces the man to simply write a small check and place it as a placeholder. Everyone in the casino holds their breath as the wheel is spun... nobody can tear their eyes from it.
The ball lands on Red 1, missing double zero by only one slot.
The voice says "DAMN!"
-----
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says, "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The stranger is skeptical, but the drunk says, "I can prove it. Come with me." They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ—you here again?"
------
Jesus, on the cross, in his waning moments of life, calls to the crowd below, 'Peter!'
The apostle Peter hears the call and moves closer to his liege. 'Yes, my Lord, he says.
Jesus calls again, 'Peter!' Peter approaches the base of the cross, 'Yes my Lord, it is Peter, I am here for you what do you need?'
Jesus calls, 'Come closer Peter.' Peter is beside himself, wondering what the son of God might have to say to him alone... He climbs the cross.
Jesus calls 'Peter, come closer.' Peter replies that he is coming.
At last, Peter reaches Jesus on the cross, and says, 'I am here my Lord, what can I do?' Jesus says 'Peter? Peter? Is that you Peter?' 'Yes my Lord, I am here for you.'
Jesus says 'Peter, I can see your house from here....'
-----
There once was a god-fearing old man who lived near a river. One day, while watching the news, there was a report of possible flooding in the days to come and the man prayed to the Lord to save him.
A few days later the raining began and the police went door to door, evacuating the town by the bus load, but when the police came to the old man's door, he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."
A few days after that, the river broke through it's banks and flooded the town in three feet of water. The sherrif came by the old man's house in a boat to evacuate him, but he sent the sherrif away saying, "The Lord will save me."
A few days after that, the dam up river broke and sent a huge wall of water towards the town. The old man was forced to climb up onto the roof of his house. The national guard came in a helecopter to evacuate him, but he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."
Finally, the house collapsed. The old man drowned and went to Heaven. When he got there, he asked the God, "Lord, why didn't you save me?"
With a look of disgust, God looked at him and said, "Look I sent you a bus, a boat and a helecopter. What were you waiting for?!?"
----
Gotta love the good ol' religious jokes.
"DIG."
The man blinks. Knowing he is alone, he wonders if it's his imagination, or if he's suffering from sleep deprivation without realizing it.
The voice booms again, louder and angrier. "I SAID DIG!"
The man looks around, startled to realize he is the sole target of the voice. Whatever the source, it's very threatening. Fearful of corporeal harm, the man immediately drops to his knees, and starts scooping sand away with his bare hands. After a scant sixty seconds, he notices a hard wooden object. His curiosity piqued, he slowly excavates the object, discovering it to be a large wooden strongbox, with metal bracings and a rusty old padlock.
By now, he's almost forgotten about the voice...but it returns, as deapheningly loud as before. "THE ROCK."
The man gives a nervous shrug to no-one in particular, grabs a nearby rock, and smashes the ancient, decaying padlock open.
"OPEN."
Not having to be told twice, the atheist skeptic (still not convinced of any paranormal activity, simply assuming he is either hallucinating, or is somehow suffering a trick from his resoruceful atheist, skeptical compatriots) opens the creaky old chest. Under a layer of fetid water, rotten fungus and decomposing plant matter, the man is rendered speechless at the sight of a massive pile of gold and silver doubloons, cut jewels, and fine jewelry, apparently of spanish origin.
The voice booms once more. "ROUTE 87."
The man picks up the enormously heavy chest, and manages to lug the strongbox to the roadside.
"EAST."
By now, the man is far too curious (and to a degree, afraid) to disobey the commanding voice now. He caries the heavy box down the highway, on foot... despite his excellent health and superior physique, the gold is tremendously heavy, and he is soon approaching exhaustion. His clothes are all sweaty and unkempt, and he is covered with sand and dirt from digging, and smells like fetid seawater. By the time he finally reaches the nearest city, it is well past nightfall, and he looks likes a miserable wreck.
"TO THE CASINO!"
'...okay then!' the man thinks, and wearily heads for the largest, most glamorous casino in town. Surrounded by hob-nobbing millionaires in tuxedos and evening gowns, he rapidly gains the attention of the entire building.
"TO THE CASHIER!"
This time, when the voice booms down, everybody in the entire building immediately looks up, quite startled and mystified. The man struggles to carry the heavy box the last few feet to the change counter, his last dregs of strength quickly fading. Nobody dares approach him, but every eye in the room is fixed on him, and he is unknowingly the recipient of their undivided attention. He drops the strongbox onto the table. The banker, wide-eyed and astonished, franticaly begins weghing and appraising the huge pile of treasure, and finally gives the ragged looking man a huge pile of chips.
"TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!"
Everyone lookes up again, startled by the booming voice. By now, everyone in the casino is following the man to the roulette table, their attention completely captivated. He puts the pile of chips on the table.
"DOUBLE ZERO!"
The man attempts to put the entire pile of chips on double zero; it forms a sizable pile, and the employee at the table eventualy convinces the man to simply write a small check and place it as a placeholder. Everyone in the casino holds their breath as the wheel is spun... nobody can tear their eyes from it.
The ball lands on Red 1, missing double zero by only one slot.
The voice says "DAMN!"
-----
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says, "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The stranger is skeptical, but the drunk says, "I can prove it. Come with me." They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ—you here again?"
------
Jesus, on the cross, in his waning moments of life, calls to the crowd below, 'Peter!'
The apostle Peter hears the call and moves closer to his liege. 'Yes, my Lord, he says.
Jesus calls again, 'Peter!' Peter approaches the base of the cross, 'Yes my Lord, it is Peter, I am here for you what do you need?'
Jesus calls, 'Come closer Peter.' Peter is beside himself, wondering what the son of God might have to say to him alone... He climbs the cross.
Jesus calls 'Peter, come closer.' Peter replies that he is coming.
At last, Peter reaches Jesus on the cross, and says, 'I am here my Lord, what can I do?' Jesus says 'Peter? Peter? Is that you Peter?' 'Yes my Lord, I am here for you.'
Jesus says 'Peter, I can see your house from here....'
-----
There once was a god-fearing old man who lived near a river. One day, while watching the news, there was a report of possible flooding in the days to come and the man prayed to the Lord to save him.
A few days later the raining began and the police went door to door, evacuating the town by the bus load, but when the police came to the old man's door, he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."
A few days after that, the river broke through it's banks and flooded the town in three feet of water. The sherrif came by the old man's house in a boat to evacuate him, but he sent the sherrif away saying, "The Lord will save me."
A few days after that, the dam up river broke and sent a huge wall of water towards the town. The old man was forced to climb up onto the roof of his house. The national guard came in a helecopter to evacuate him, but he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."
Finally, the house collapsed. The old man drowned and went to Heaven. When he got there, he asked the God, "Lord, why didn't you save me?"
With a look of disgust, God looked at him and said, "Look I sent you a bus, a boat and a helecopter. What were you waiting for?!?"
----
Gotta love the good ol' religious jokes.
There was a family of three daughters, a dad and a deceased mom.
Daughter 1: Daddy, why did you name me Rose?
Dad: Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head and I was inspired to name you Rose.
Daughter 2: Daddy, why did you name me Daisy?
Dad: Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head and I was inspired to name you Daisy.
Daughter 3: GRRRRRRRRR!
Dad: Shut up, cinder block
Daughter 1: Daddy, why did you name me Rose?
Dad: Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head and I was inspired to name you Rose.
Daughter 2: Daddy, why did you name me Daisy?
Dad: Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head and I was inspired to name you Daisy.
Daughter 3: GRRRRRRRRR!
Dad: Shut up, cinder block
Plat. Frontier
Epic Mustache
I'd be banned if I said a joke about The Dukes of Hazzard, so...
What do your mom and Obama have in common?
[SPOIL]You.[/SPOIL]
What do your mom and Obama have in common?
[SPOIL]You.[/SPOIL]
Diamond Eagle
TheMightyPolak
When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity------Twice.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity------Twice.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Last edited:
Gelatino95
Not a tool
Ohh, so we're doing Chuck Norris now?
Chuck Norris can beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris turned up the sun because he was cold.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave because his hair wouldn't dare grow against his will.
Chuck Norris can beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris turned up the sun because he was cold.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't shave because his hair wouldn't dare grow against his will.
PokemonTrainerKaden
Well-Known Member
A blond, a brunette and a red head are talking about what they found in their daughters purses. The brunette says "I found a cigarette. I can't believe she smokes!" the red head says "I found a beer bottle. I can't believe she drinks!" The blond says " I found a condom. I can't believe she has a penis!"
Metagross Guy
ᴸ м f ᴬ σ.
lmfao =.= .
Eternalserenity
Wanderer
More Chuck Norris jokes! ^_^
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.
- If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
- In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Once, a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.
- If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
- In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Once, a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Diamond Eagle
TheMightyPolak
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He just dares the grass to grow.