The Journey Of A Champion

[Pokemon Master17]

Chapter 1-The Beginning
New Bark Town : 9:45 am

Noah: (Yawns) Jeez im tired today. Oh time to get Breakfast. (goes downstairs and sees mother sitting at the kitchen table) oh hey mom your up early today.

Mom: yes son i am i couldn't sleep this morning so i decided to get up and get a head start on the spring cleaning as you know today is the first day of spring.

Noah: OH NO WAY IS THAT TODAY !!! sorry mom i have to hurry to prof.elms lab right away. (opens door and rushes out of the room quickly) Bye mom.

Mom: Bye son.

Streets of New Bark Town : 10:00 am

Noah: oh god iv got to hurry i need to get to prof.elms lab quickly.(bumps into a person by accident) oh sorry (looks around and realizes its his friend Darren) oh hey Darren sorry for bumping into you im just in a big hurry to get to prof.elms lab right away.

Darren: its OK Noah don't worry no harm done. why are you in such a hurry to get to prof.elms lab....... wait don't tell me its finally the day you get your first Pokemon and start your journey isn't it.

Noah: yes it is and i was so exited i completely forgot and now i'm so late. so i'll be leaving now OK Darren i will come to your house later with my Pokemon before i leave on my journey OK ?.

Darren: Yes Noah that's grand i'll be waiting to see what Pokemon you choose
OK.

(massive explosion at elm Pokemon lab)

Noah: what was that ?

Darren: uh oh that came from prof.elms Pokemon lab !.

Noah: quick lets go see what happened.

(Several minutes later)

Prof.elm: No stop you bully don't take the precious starter Pokemon that i have to give to the new trainers ! please don't !

Bad guy: ha ha ha you really think you grovelling will stop us taking these Pokemon HAH !! you really must be stupid !.

Noah: Prof.elm whats happening here ?.

Prof.elm: Noah they are trying to take the starter Pokemon.

Noah. what can we do ? !!!

Darren: (throws 2 poke balls into the air) come on out Typhlosion and Ursaring
lets teach him a lesson.

Bad guy: ( throws 2 poke balls as well) now !! weavile, scizor go !!!

(what will happen next who will win this battle tune in next time to find out )

 

[Pokemon Master17]

Elm Pokemon Lab

(Now standing in the research room in Prof.Elms lab is Darren a Pokemon trainer from New Bark Town, his friend Noah who was meant to start his Pokemon Journey today with his very first Pokemon, Prof.Elm and a male dressed in Red and Green Clothes. Darren And this male are about to have a Pokemon battle)

Darren: now Typhlosion use Lava Plume and Ursaring you use Hammer Arm.(Typhlosion shuts his eyes and starts storing energy while Ursaring Lunges forward with a glowing white arm ready to attack his opponent.)

Bad Guy: Ha ha ha Now weavile use ice punch and scizor use razor wind.(Scizor's wings start to flit extremely fast and a raging gale fly's forth from behind the metal mantis Pokemon while Weavile's fist glows a bright blue and it lunges forward just in time to meet Ursarings Hammer arm attack. the two attacks meet in a head on collision and a huge explosion occurs leaving a wall of smoke between the two battlers.)

Darren: Ugh . ! Typhlosion you ok? Ursaring come on tell me your ok.

Typhlosion: Typhlo !

Ursaring: Ursa !

Darren: good you guys are OK phew that's a relief .

(just as the smoke is clearing a car pulls up and shouts to the male dressed in red and green.)

Male#2: come on you idiot Commander Torrent is waiting for us in Cherrygrove City!

Male#1: OK OK i'm coming just let me wrap things up here first OK !

Male#2: Make it quick !

Male#1: ha ha ha scizor weavile use sandstorm and smokescreen now ! (both Pokemon obey their trainer and emit these two attacks )

Darren: Typhlosion Ursaring watch out !!!!

(the two attacks wear off and clear from the room )

Darren: Prof.Elm who were they ?

Prof.Elm: they were 2 members of a new evil organisation known as team corona !

Darren: Team corona never heard of them ?

Noah: i have they are members of team galactic from sinnoh and team plasma from unova they have joined forces to overthrow team rocket once and for all or so the internet articles say !

Prof.Elm: and now they have the new starter Pokemon !

Darren: don't worry professor we will go to cherrygrove city and retrieve the Pokemon for you !

Noah: yeah prof.Elm don't worry !

a few hours later 12:00 on Route 29

(Naoh and Darren are walking across a freshly cut meadow when they hear a Muffled scream )

Noah: Darren what was that ?

Darren: it sounded like a Pokemon screaming ? and it sounds like it came from the rivers direction !

Noah: ??? river there is no river around here ?

Darren: ah Noah you have a lot to learn.

(several moments later the two are standing facing a beautiful river.)

Darren: this river is known as serenity river. it got it's name as any pokemon that drinks form this river becomes calm and serene.

Noah: ah that's nice, (muffled scream) but that doesn't sound so calm or serene !!! (looks around and spots a little red and black Pokemon hanging from a fallen tree out over the center of the river) Darren quick look at the fallen tree there is a Pokemon in danger.

Darren: good eye sight Noah now wha! (before Darren could even finish his sentence Noah had started to sprint towards the fallen tree with Darren close behind) Noah don't do anything stupid !!!

(Noah steps onto the fallen tree and reaches his hand out to the scared Pokemon ) come on little fellow i won't hurt you.(the Pokemon smiles and slips off the broken tree only to realize it is heading for a waterfall at the base of the river!!!)

Noah: ( without a seconds thought SPLASH and Noah is in the water swimming to try to save the Pokemon that is in danger!) don't worry little guy i'll save you (and with that Noah is hurdled off the waterfall along with the little Pokemon) AAAAAAH ! (Noah reaches out and grabs the little Pokemon and wraps his arms around it very tightly) hah now i have you no need to worry .

(out of nowhere to green vines wrap them selves around Noah and the Pokemon)

Darren: hah now torterra carry them to safety.

(the big Pokemon uses the vines originating from the enormous tree on its back quickly pulls the two to safety)

Darren: thanks torterra return.

Noah: thanks Darren you really saved our bacon back there but i didnt know you had a torterra?

Darren: yeah i got it while travelling through the sinnoh region the first region i ever traveled through.

Noah: oh that's so cool Darren i wish i had some Pokemon
(and with that the little red and black Pokemon nudges Noah and smiles) oh yeah i forgot about this little guy i wonder what kind of Pokemon he is and where he came from?

Darren: i can tell you Darren pulls out his Pokedex and scans the little Pokemon (after a few seconds ) now this Pokemon is called tepig and it's originally from the unova region they dont live around here ?

Noah: oh so you don't have a home ?

Tepig: pig pig tepig !!! ( the Pokemon jumps into Noah's arms )

Noah: oh whats this ?

Darren: it looks as if this Tepig want's to join your team Noah and look it has a special collar it has a Pokeball attached !

Noah: so tepig do you want to join me ?

Tepig: te te te tepiiiig (the Pokemon knocks the poke ball into Noah's hand and smiles, then nudges the Poke ball with it's head and goes inside)

Noah: wow i just caught my very first Pokemon :O i'm finally a trainer yay !!!

(and with that Noah caught his very first Pokemon. NEXT TIME: Noah and Darren reach cherry grove city only to realize the city is under attack!!! will they be able to help . they meet a new and resource full friend.)

 

[Pokemon Master17]

Double Battle in cherrygrove city!

Route 29 14:15pm

(Noah and Darren have traveled through a forest on route 29 and have reached the forest clearing)

Noah: hey Darren we reached the Clearing Can we take a break yet?

Darren: OK fine but only a small break.

(several minutes later)

Darren: OK Noah we took our break now it's time for you to start training if you want to be a great Pokemon trainer.

Noah: really you will battle with me ? FINALLY lets do it.

(both trainers throw their poke balls into the air)

Darren: OK come on out Luxio!

Noah: lets do this Tepig!

(both Pokemon appear from their poke balls in a battle stance)

Darren: Luxio quick use wild charge! (Luxio starts sparking with electrical energy and charges at Tepig)

Noah: uh Tepig Quick Dodge and Use ember! ( Tepig jumps out oh Luxio's path and barrages Luxio with it's ember attack)

Darren: Luxio watch out! (Luxio misses Tepig by an inch and then gets hit by the ember attack Luxio moans with pain) heh heh Nice 1 but you'll be sorry !
Luxio use Discharge! (luxio sends forth a bolt of electricity crackling with energy)

Noah: WATCH OUT TEPIG !!! (bzzzzzz Tepig was hit with the Discharge attack and lays motion less on the ground) Tepig no are you ok?

Tepig: Piiig te te tepig.

Noah: OK tepig you did great have a rest.

Darren: that was good Noah but you need to keep practicing OK?

Noah: Yeah i will thanks Darren.

Darren: OK now we have to head to cherrygrove city.

Noah: OK lets go.

(several minutes later)

Darren: ah there we are Cherrygrove City!!

(Darren and Noah are standing at the forests exit looking at a bustling little city when... CRASH BANG BOOM )

Noah: what was that ?

Darren: that came from the city!! lets go Noah !

Noah: yeah lets go !!

(Several Minutes later the two reach the city square)

Team Corona Grunt Male: ha ha ha that's right Abmasnow keep using Focus Punch on the statue.

Darren: HEY you stop that now you can't just destroy the towns statue !!!

Noah: yeah that's not good !!!

Team Corona Grunt Male: ha ha and are you going to try and stop me ? !

Darren&Noah: Yeah !!!! (they both unleash Typhlosion and Tepig)
Now Flamethrower&Ember !!!

Team Corona Grunt Male: hey how about some help? (he calls to another grunt near the statue)

Team Corona Grunt Female: No problem ha go Armaldo !!

Team Corona Grunts M&F: now use leaf storm and Hydro Pump!!!

Darren&Noah: Typhlosion use Swift, Tepig use ember!.

(the grunts pokemon unleash a swirling tornado of razor sharp leaves and a huge torrent of water, while Typhlosion unleashes a golden star shaped attack and tepig lets loose his ember attack)

Darren&Noah: gwaaah !! (Typhlosion and Tepig Lay motionless on the ground when suddenly a Humanoid Feline Pokemon started to rein blows onto abomasnow and armaldo) who?

Mystery Trainer: Now meinshao use Close Combat !! (and with that command meinshao broke itno combat reining kicks and punches down on abomasnow and armaldo knocking them out!!)

Team Corona Grunts M&F: whaaaa? oh no Abomasnow,Armaldo!!!!

Mystery Trainer: now you evil criminals get away from this town!!!

(a lone female with blue hair walks up to the crowd)

Mystery Trainer: ah i knew it wouldn't be long before you showed up Torrent !!

Commander Torrent: it's commander torrent to you Alder !

Alder: why are you attacking this town torrent ? i thought you were locked up in the high security prison in unova?

commander torrent: ha you thought they could keep me locked up yeah right ha ha thanks to a few friends in team galactic i was freed.

Alder: why are you here in Jhoto Torrent i Thought we sorted this out back in Unova Before you were arrested.

Commander Torrent: ha ha Alder this will never be sorted out until i defeat you once and for all!!

(now why are team corona attacking cherrygrove? and why is alder the champion of unova in jhoto ? And how do Alder and commander Torrent know each other? tune in next time to find out ! )

 

[Pokemon Master17]

Double Battle in cherrygrove city! Part 2

Cherrygrove City 15:30pm

Alder: ha ha now Torrent you know you will never beat me!

Commander Torrent: well Alder we will just have to see about that !!

(and with that the two trainers hurled their poke balls into the air)

Commander Torrent: Lets do this Swampert!!!

Alder: come on out Druddigon!!

(a giant mud fish Pokemon with whiskers on it's face appears from Torrents poke ball, and a Red and Blue Dragon type Pokemon appears from Alders Poke ball)

Alder: now Druddigon use Dragon Pulse!!

Commander Torrent: hah Swampert Stand your ground!

(Druddigon glows blue and unleashes a powerful Dragon Pulse attack heading straight for Swampert, the giant Swampert stands it's ground as commanded and the Dragon Pulse hits it's target head on)

Commander Torrent: now Swampert Use Hammer Arm!!

(Swamperts giant fist starts to glow and the it lunges forward at lightning speed and Druddigon has no time to react or so Commander Torrent thinks)

Alder: (nods to Druddigon)

(just as Swamperts Hammer Arm collides with Druddigon The Dragon Pokemon Starts to glow and unleashes an extremely powerful Dragon Pulse and it collides with Swampert knocking it straight on it's back and thus winning the battle)

Alder: i told you Torrent you will never beat me !!!

Commander Torrent: aaargh !! come on you idiots lets retreat for now !! (and with that Commander Torrent and her grunts jump into their car and speed off)

Alder: (turns to Noah and Darren) are you guys OK ?

Noah&Darren: yeah thanks for that.

Alder: oh it's OK i had unfinished business with those guys.

Noah: you know them ?

Alder: yes very well in fact lets go to the Pokemon centre to heal your Pokemon and i will fill you in there

(a few minutes later in the Pokemon centre common room)

Noah: now would you like to go on ?

Alder: yes thank you, well as you may know i am the champion of the Unova Pokemon league and i have come to jhoto following team Corona.

Darren: Alder if you don't mind me asking but you seem to know that Commander Torrent girl don't you?

Alder: ah yes well the thing is Commander Torrent is well my my.....my sister!

Noah&Darren: WHAT!!!!

Alder: yes she is and i am on a journey to stop her so now i will take my leave i have to follow them.

(Alder gets up and leaves the Pokemon centre just as nurse joy calls Darren and Noah to let them know their Pokemon are healed)

Noah&Darren: thanks very much.

Nurse Joy: no problem that's what i'm here for.

Noah: so Darren where do we go from here ?

Darren: well Noah its time you went on your journey alone.

Noah: oh i knew it was ha ha OK so Darren where are you headed?

Darren: i'm going to challenge the gyms here in jhoto as i have already got 8 badges from sinnoh and unova so i think i'll try this region now.

Noah: OK Darren good luck and maybe we will meet up again and have another battle when i get stronger?

Darren: for sure Noah.

(and so the two leave the Pokemon centre and go their seperate ways on their journeys, i wonder when will team Corona srike again and what became of the stolen Pokemon? well we will just have to wait and see)

 

[Sgeckledorf Spoongeblorb]

Oh Jesus, it's a script-fic with horrible Mary-Sues and Gary-Stu's.

What's new?

 

[Darkrai'sShadow]

You're either trying and you need practice, or you're simply not trying at all.

Script form is hard to pull off, and many writers prefer the normal way of storytelling. You can continue the way you are going, but I recommend you read your work before posting it to catch any grammar mistakes. Even better, read your character's speech out loud to try and find any areas that simply don't sound right. I'm not an expert at script form, so I can't help that much there.

(out of nowhere to green vines wrap them selves around Noah and the Pokemon)

Darren: hah now torterra carry them to safety.

(the big Pokemon uses the vines originating from the enormous tree on its back quickly pulls the two to safety)

If you have any questions about pokemon moves, I suggest you look them up. Torterra can't use Vine Whip in any way.

Noah: Ah that's nice, (muffled scream) but that doesn't sound so calm or serene! (looks around and spots a little red and black Pokemon hanging from a fallen tree out over the center of the river) Darren quick look at the fallen tree there is a Pokemon in danger.

This is just one example of the many instances where you're lacking in description. Say the bolded line out loud in a monotone voice. That's how Noah would be saying it. It's sort fo a run on sentence as well. You're also missing some grammar there and some captialization. I made my changes in red. You don't need three exclamation points unless it really is something extreme to shout about. Using three here is kind of an exaggeration. Also the muffled scream part should be more sudden, like it could have it's own line. Anyway, here's how the bolded part would look with some punctuation marks.

"Darren, quick! Look at the fallen tree! There is a pokemon in danger!"

I added exclamation marks and now there is the emotion of urgency in Noah's voice.

Darren: i can tell you Darren pulls out his Pokedex and scans the little Pokemon (after a few seconds ) now this Pokemon is called tepig and it's originally from the unova region they dont live around here ?

Throughout your writing, I notice you were using parentheses to separate the actions. The bolded area is clearly an action, but you forgot the parentheses. Once again, re-read your work before you post it.

There's something to point out in almost every line. Also, unfortunately, as Sgeckledorf said, your characters are all Mary-Sues and Gary-Stu's. In case you didn't know, those kind of characters are all perfect and the world just works out for them like how the pieces to a puzzle fit together. You should be very careful with characterizing, because perfect characters with no originality simply aren't interesting and they can ruin a good story easily. Try to avoid cliche type concepts, like how Noah gained tepig's full trust so quickly and so suddenly.

I also noticed that you posted all your parts within about an hour. You obviously posted them without reading them yourself. For the next part, I recommend checking your grammar carefully before posting, and try to add description on the setting. I didn't bother reading the last two parts because they all need a lot of work. However, if you can brush up on a few things like your grammar, description, plot, and characterization, then you can turn this into a great fanfic. It's just hard to pull that off with script form, though people like you may find it easier to write.

I also suggest you read some other fanfiction on Serebii. The best way to learn to write is to read first. You can increase your vocabulary and learn how fanfiction can be written. Trust me, if you put time into your work to check it, add descrition, and make it overall more interesting, then your story will improve. Everybody makes mistakes in grammar, even professionals, so don't feel bad if you got a criticizing review like this. It just means you have room to improve.

 

[bobandbill]

Oh Jesus, it's a script-fic with horrible Mary-Sues and Gary-Stu's.

What's new?

Next time just use the report thread instead of posting that - it doesn't help anyone.

Anyway, I will close because as the Fan Fiction rules state:

Scripts: The way plays and screenplays are written to instruct actors. No scripted fics are allowed unless they are properly written scripts. This means they include details on the setting, characters’ emotions/tone of voice, and stage direction.

There's not much of that here - only minor stage directions so I suggest editing before posting again. Some of these chapters are also shorter than the minimum 2 pages limit that is allowed here, and you'd want to use some more capitalisation/punctuation as well, I suggest - e.g.:

Noah: oh i knew it was ha ha OK so Darren where are you headed?

Darren: i'm going to challenge the gyms here in jhoto as i have already got 8 badges from sinnoh and unova so i think i'll try this region now.

Noah: OK Darren good luck and maybe we will meet up again and have another battle when i get stronger?

to

Noah: Oh, I knew it was! (laughs) So Darren, where are you headed?

Darren: I'm going to challenge the gyms here in Johto as I have already got eight badges from Sinnoh and Unova, so I think I'll try this region now.

Noah: OK, Darren. Good luck and maybe we will meet up again and have another battle when I get stronger?

Basically the only changes are splitting into proper sentences and capitalising (I'll instead of i'll for instance), and changing jhoto to Johto, its correct spelling. That just makes your story look better and easier to read, as spelling/grammatical errors can distract the readers from the story.

I'd strongly advise reading Darkrai'sShadow post too because that goes into far greater detail about a few aspects I was planning to mention (yay for being ninja'd).