The Journey of Three Friends

[ijea4444]

Here is one of my fan fics hope you like it
The Journey of Three Friends

Chapter 1.

"Hey Lily,” both Kyle & Willy said in unison," are you ready to get our first pokemon?"

"Of course, lets go to Professor Birch's lab," said Lily.

Lily walked with her blue shirt and sky blue skirt with her long black hair and sapphire eyes , followed by her blue pokeball waist pack. Kyle entered with his red coat, red under shirt, red cap, red shoes and red back pack. Will (willy) sort of resembled green bandana Brendan.

Professor Birch walked up with three pokeballs. “Chose,” said the prof. The girl in the blue picked up the pokeball with the teardrop symbol. The boy in the red picked up the pokeball with the flame symbol. Will picked up the pokeball with the leaf symbol. They all let out their pokemon."Yay, I got the pokemon I wanted," they all yelled.

"So what do you plan to do with your pokemon?"asked Birch.

Lily responded, "I want to be a pokemon co-ordinater."

"I’m going to enter the Pokemon League ,"answered Will.

"I am going to be a pokemon breeder. Like my cousin Brock,” said Kyle.

"Very good choices," said the prof, "also I will give you each 5 pokeballs to catch all the pokemon you want. So you may embark on your journey now.”

So the three pals headed towards the small town known as Oldale Town. “Oh, right Lil (Which is what people called Lily) did you here that Delon Town is having a Pokemon Contest? Its a little passed Oldale Town.” informed Kyle.
“Really? I better start training with my Mudkip.

Go Mudkip,” yelled Lily. After a little training with Mudkip they were at Delon Town. A little red worm appeared.

Lily ran towards it and said,” I got to catch that that Wurmple.”
She sent out her Mudkip and said,” Mudkip start off with an ice beam then let loose with a water gun.”

Mudkip instantly froze the little worm in an ice cube . Then it was broke free when a strong force of water broke the ice while damaging the Wurmple. “Lets hope this Net ball I found lying around in the floor will really work,” She told her water pokemon.

It was thrown and hit the worm being put inside the ball. It tuned left and right until finally it clicked shut, showing that it was caught. “Yahoo I caught my first pokemon.” happily said Lily.

When it was time for the contest to begin she went to the stage because she was the first person up. She released her Mudkip and said ,” Start off with Rain Dance and the follow up with Ice Beam.”

Mudkip started dancing and after a while rain clouds entered the arena.
Then Mudkip froze all the rain drops causing floating ice shards.

“Now water gun,” ordered the co-ordinater. Mudkip then exploded all the shards with water gun leaving a beautiful array of blue sparkles. She was given a 2.8.

“Good for your fist time,” boasted a mysterious 11 year-old boy.

“Who are you and who do you think you are?” angrily said Lily.

“I’m the proud owner of last years ribbon cup,” once again boasted the brat,” Oh yeah, your question. My name is Zal. I shall win the Delon Town ribbon with my first pokemon Espeon. I should say the evolved form of my first pokemon.”

Once on stage he released his Espeon. “Espeon send three shadow balls and use psychic to keep them in the air. Then obliterate them with Swift.

The Psychic pokemon threw 3 black orbs in the air. Suddenly they started getting a blue aura while being levitated in the air. All of Espeons two eyes started glowing blue. Then it opened its mouth releasing a couple stars at the flying balls. The balls with the stars exploded leaving purple, black, and yellow sparkles in the air. He was given a 3.0. After all the appeals Lily Zal and two other co-ordinaters were on to the semi-finals.

Will Lily and Zal face of in the semi-finals? Will Lily make it to next round? Will she get her first ribbon? Stay tuned for the next chapter and find out!

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Please don't double post, if you have to add something, edit it. Now for the fic, the start was pretty short. Try to do 3 or 4 pages on word to have a decent chapter. This is pretty unoriginal so far but having them all be like May Ash and Brock. Everything is going way too fast. You jump from one place to the next with no description. They just started out and a contest is already started? Slow down your fic a little and add to it to make it more appealing to readers. Also you must capitalize names, you said birch, B should capitalized.

-Danny

 

[ijea4444]

I double posted on purpose and you are right i did go on to fast with the contest. But the may brock and ash was on purpose 2. Also i will try to make the chappies longer

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hey.

Heh, just reading this, it's clear that you've got a very visual style to your story - that's awesome, but don't forget to help your readers see what you're seeing! Apart from the obvious spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes (fixable with Spellchecker and proofreading - or beta reading if you don't know what to look for/how to fix) what I think you need to do is to convey more deeply what you're seeing.

You've got a fantastic sense of what your characters, places and action looks like and you can afford to be more flourishy when you put that visualisation down on paper/computer screen. Mebbe pick words that have more emotional and atmospheric meaning and value.

Oh, and a brief point - please don't use smilies! Those and other shortcuts like using numbers in place of words (and writing lists of characters and their pokemon rather than working that info into the story itself) make you look lazy and detract from the 'professional' impression you might otherwise have made. Sure, it takes a bit longer, but a lot of the readers around these forums are writers themselves and probably won't be too impressed if you take shortcuts they've made efforts to avoid.

Overall, I'd say you've got a lot of potential here and it's starting to show but remember it's hard for readers to see the ideas and stunning imagination you have unless you deliberately help them to. Description and getting rid of those spelling/grammer/punctuation errors can do a lot to achieving this goal. So put this beginning to good use! If you want anything else in your story commented on or if you want anything in this review expanded upon/explained, let me know.

Best of luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[ijea4444]

I was thinking if i give you the chapter before i post it. You could check it and tell me what to fix.Ok Pinecone Tortoise?

 

[Felix Feral Fezirix]

Well, Piney's words sure put in lots of comfort. I don't get to grill you like CB drill sergant though, just poking some stuff.

Oh, and with Lily wearing all blue and Kyle wearing all red, it would be good to add in what shade of blue and red. Okay, so you did for Lily's skirt, but if you describe the colour of her skirt in detail, so should you do so for the rest of her clothes. Kyle wearing all red. I have no idea whether there's a difference in red shade, so I visualise him as some person wearing blood red everything. If you don't like your character looking like that, put in some adjectives so that people reading your fic have the benefit of seeing him properly.

NEVER USE SMILIES. They should take this rule and bore it into every single person's skull. It says so on the rules, so is it mutely written in professional ettiquette (of sorts) for writers. Just think for a moment. Pick up any book that's supposed to be good, professional, and for young readers. Read halfway through, and you see a smiley hanging. What impression does that give you?

One more thing. Never describe a character after a character that has not been mentioned anywhere in any point of time in the fanfiction. Even if you do so, please also describe the character in full detail anyway. Laziness on this kind of stuff ish good. Trust me on this one.

Oh, and Mudkip already learning Ice Beam when Lily first gets it? That's like finding Kryptonite. Ice Beam is easily one of the best Ice attacks, and Ice attacks are pretty useful on a lot of pokemon.

There are also a lot of spelling mistakes, which can be easily fixed by a proofreader (which you have to go hunting for, since I'm busy enough). Oh, and while we're here, Lily getting her first contest in the prologue is waaaaaay too fast. We aren't doing sprint writing you know. No need to cram everything in the prologue. Use the prologue to introduce your characters, give them a past and all that.

Oh, and you're supposed to exceed my expectation of your plot. My expectation is that a random team would go and try and stop your characters in an idiotic way, so be better than that. At least make them cool or over-powered or such. Make them worthy adversaries, not a plot devices for easy-to-resolve conflicts. Or something.

Now to poke holes.

Lily uses Net ball. I don't see her picking up any net balls. You have to let the reader see her pick it up, not say she has it out of the blue because she picked it up and chuck it at the critical moment.

Your contests lack emotion. It's Lily's first contest, and doubtlessle lots of people are watching. It is common for her to have stagefright and get nervous and such. I used to be in a choir, I'd know that. The contest seems pretty lifelss, since it seems Lily and Zal are the only ones present. Metioned the background and all that. There's a lot more to contests than just doing moves and fighting each other. The tension. The audience. The judges. Make full use of all that.

Woah. I'm feeling lazy, so I'll end it here today. I'll be watching. -evil glint in eye-

 

[ijea4444]

Those were some tough words but i want more. After a while i will rewrite it but for now i will leave it . Hope that doesnt make anyone mad. I will stop using the sprites . Also They are all rich so they came with tms like ice beam. Ill try to make it better though.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

I was thinking if i give you the chapter before i post it. You could check it and tell me what to fix.Ok Pinecone Tortoise?

^^ ; Um, alright, I can try. But please remember that I'm kinda busy at the moment so you might not get it back straight away. But if you still want to, just put what you've written into a PM and send it over. ^^

Good luck and fun to you, as always.

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[crobatconey/leafeon lunatic]

I like fan-fics that are related to the anime like yours. What I dont like is like everyone else said you rush to much. Did it take Ash to battle Roxxanne in Hoenn one episode? No! And I mean honestly you can't learn ice beam when your like level 5. Lily's Mudkip should learn it at least when it's a Marshtomp. Because the first form of starters usually only learn bad moves like tackle and mud slap.

 

[ijea4444]

Like i said before they are rich so they had tms like ice beam and gave it to mudkip.

 

[Felix Feral Fezirix]

SO Mukip can learn Ice beam through TM. You have to refer to it, and Ice Beam isn't the most common TM in the world. Let them reach Lilycove before giving them the TM, at least. Ice Beam Mudkip kills too many things, and Ice Beam should only be learnt Swampert stage generaklly, since during any starter's first two stages, you're learning stuff, and getting used to the type. Think about why you get Ice Beam so late in the game. The game programmers put it in late-game for a good reason, and you should know why. Rich is no excuse. Anyway, if your parents are successful and send you on a journey like theirs, they'll probably just send you out with nothing, since you can never be good if you don't do stuff for yourself. Capice?

Woah. Long argument against early-chapter Ice beam. Then again, that's just imbalanced.

~Pikachuism

 

[ijea4444]

Hey, this is my first fan fic so it is suposed (i know it is spelled wrong) s**k
i don know if u can say that word.

 

[Felix Feral Fezirix]

The fic in my siggy is my first fic, and I started out too n00bish, but at least it didn't contain a Mudkip with a move it shouldn't be learning. Unless you're planning to make it part of the plot. Like Felix with two swords coming in to dice you.

;025; Damn straight.

Oh, and suck is allowed. You know, I'm currently sucking my thumb while typing this. Get the drift? That's the only reason why it's not censored. Of course, you should try to avoid it, since there are much better alternatives out there.

 

[Misty&May]

I Like it a lot. of course they are right you shoud'nt have had the contest.:172bros: ;174;

 

[Advancedblazeashmaymistyp]

um...... well it its er creative, but personally I think ur story was rushed like put more detail into it do u want a rushed story cause those are horrible and how the hel% did Mudkip learn ice beam at level 5 u could have said earlier that he could have been specially breeeded and packed with variety of moves or something like that and yeah suck doesn't have to be ccensored

 

[ijea4444]

I am a horrible author i know that. so everybody plz stop talking about icebeam Mudkip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Silent Conversation]

what people have been saying is right. The kids just started their journey and there is already a contest! Don't rush! You should've made the contest in at least Rustboro!

Well, besides that, there are a few grammer mistakes, but the plot is pretty good. You just need to make your chapters a little bit longer.

Lucario Lover
;rukario;

 

[Felix Feral Fezirix]

ijea, people would have been fine with it if not for Ice Beam Mudkip. It's just broken. You should just rewrite it and get the Mudkip out. Believe me, if you leave it there, people are going to harp on it. It sticks out because it is actually used to DEFEAT a Pokemon. People remember finishing moves better, ya know. So you better do something about it.

 

[Demise]

Oh...dear......First of all,

I respect it to be having it as your first fanfic, I used to have one, but a flamer got the best of me.

Let me point out a few things,

The chappie is too short.

Lily:

Mudkip Lv. 9: Water Gun, Ice Beam, Iron Tail, Rain Dance

Wurmple Lv. 4: Poison Sting, Tackle, String Shot

Will:

Treecko Lv. 7 : Iron tail, Bullet Seed,

Kyle:

Torchic Lv. 6: Ember, Peck, Scratch

A fic isn't fun if based on levels. Er, how does a level nine mudkip learn Ice beam, Iron tail, rain dance? I'm sorry but, where did Lily get the tms??? Hmm?

Torchics don't learn peck and ember until lv. 16 and 10. If youa re going to base it off a game then do it correctly!

For a treecko it is suppose to naturally know pound and leer, what happened to them? And same question, where did thetrainers get tms to teach to thier pokmon?

And if they obtained it somehow, how come the fic doesn't tell when they were taught?

“Yahoo! I caught my first pokemon,” happily said Lily.

Ahem, like that.

*Yawns* I'm too tired to point the mistakes out. On the plot and the shape of the fic, it starting out bad and would probably continue that way.

Not to b mean or anything, the things are rushed, poorly described, and 'a red worm' erm that's an interesting way to describe something, [/sarcasm]

“Who are you and who do you think you are,” angrily said Lily.

That is a question, there should be a question mark.

Of course, lets go to birch's lab," said Lily.

Birch? It should be Professor Birch, same thing goes for the way you put Prof instead of Professor. DON"T USE SHORTCUTS. Prof is a shortcut , You an do Prof Bircj, but never a Prof. Type 'two' instead of 2, everyone slacks their time off to type the words of numbers, it isn't fair to se a short cut.

Eevee says; Tasch! ;133;

 

[AnimeStar]

I like the story, i also like Lily! XD