Huckleberry
Poison Trainer
Whoo!
Can't wait to see more, Links. Also, congrats on the graduation and good luck on the job search!
Can't wait to see more, Links. Also, congrats on the graduation and good luck on the job search!
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The Journey (R)
- Thread starter LinksOcarina
- Start date
TrueCharizard
Well-Known Member
Yeah, add me to the PM list. Congrats. By the way, you might like the film Out Law starring Sean Bean, Danny Dyer, Bob Hoskins. Its on youtube in 11 parts but the ending is very similar to a moment n your fic.
Your review is ready holmes.
Well first things first. As I said in the PM, the title is so blunt its kinda funny. If no one else sees it that way, well at least it made me laugh. Even though it wasn’t probably meant for that.
On first notice, the prologue was rather dark, in both senses of the word. First sense, it was in a pitch-black cave (darn Amp) and in the second sense it was kinda sinister. I mean dark shape, glowing eyes.
Okay, the first chapter. One year later and there is a huge celebration in the town of Ganlon (Fake region, always fun. I find it increases the originality sevenfold, and it’s kind of an unspoken rule for me that there is lots of originality in a fic.) The celebration it seems is to see off the latest in a long line of trainers vying for supremacy.
(Now Wesker, Backstabbing *many expletives*, sorry but those memories of finally completing Resident Evil, by far the hardest one, still linger in my mind. And Caine, like Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami. One man and his sunglasses, the greatest love story ever written.)
And you bring family ties into it, however frequent. It’s often the problem that it’s our hero(es) and only our hero(es) therefore you don’t get enough depth in there. Plus they don’t just go; right I’m on a journey so I’ll just leave unexpectedly.
Yay. Towns named after Berries. I suppose it was easier than coming up with your own names for them.
This section could be cleaned up a lot nicer than it is. After each bit of speech double tap enter, it makes it look nicer like this.
“No good!” Sebastian cried, “it just missed it.”
“******** dude! He hit it, so it counts!” Ken called back. “Wooper, good job. Got to work on the aiming though, but that was awesome.”
“Wwoopperr!” It cried back in excitement. “Your turn buddy.” Ken said, as he grabbed the stick and began to run back to where he was standing before. Sebastian then bent down, and looked at Cubone right in the eyes.
It looks more presentable, and it gives your fic a cheating little length boost. ;]
I won’t point out all the other sections but you get the idea by the example I just pointed out.
Despite that it wasn’t that long, I suppose it was only the second chapter and usually you can’t do much about it plot wise, so they tend to turn up on the short side. Perhaps you could have fleshed it out a bit more, maybe got some character interactions in there perhaps one-on-ones between trainer and pokemon, getting to know one another. You could also bring the Pokémons personalities in as well.
And a new Cubone knowing Bonemerang, that means it already level 28 at least (I like Marowak you see) a bit odd, by that standard it’s close to evolution.
Gah. Evil Seedot. The water will be avenged.
The Battle was nicely written and the Seedot got what was coming to it, Haha.
Eww. Are you sure that stuff is safe to drink, I mean its been in something’s mouth.
We get introduced to Damon, the owner of the Ampharos in the prologue that abandoned Seb. Apparently he is a pretty good trainer and wishes to give out some advice, tough older type character that will probably stay or return later.
Tough older shady type guy, answers cell phone, it can only be bad. As I said, only bad. And I suppose the Magby and Elekid are the ‘merchandise’ Damon mentioned.
That should be ‘too damn proud’ and too strong willed’
Are these people all super surfers, I mean the over excessive use of the word ‘dude’ is getting annoying.
How can you knock on a tent flap?
Her dad is travelling with them as well? I’m sure you meant talk about my father.
I do have a point to make, I mean I know you have an R rated fic here, but the amount of swearing in this thing is annoying, I don’t want to keep deciphering starred out words into possible swearwords they can be. I’m sure not all teens swear like drunken sailors.
Gym battle was nicely described, and so was the fistfight in the alley. I must say that the overall goodness of this fic has improved, which makes sense.
So you say this is kind of like Lost, in the way that everything is significant. Damn that show irritated me to no end with its unfinished storylines and unanswered questions and the fact it moved to Sky One, which I don’t have. Anyway, a fic like that could be good in ways, just have to make people want to come back for more.
Oh. I happened to be at the end of your fic, I thought there were more chapters. Damn, I want to know what happens in the cave, I want to know more. Heroes FTW.
The conclusion. AKA ‘the sum-up of all fears.’
At the start, the story was kinda bland. Two kids journey from small town to prosper in the world of pokemon training. Gladly, you brought other stuff into it, the introduction of Damon. A pretty cool and quite believable character, the older been there, done that, bought the t-shirt kinda guy ready to share his knowledge. With his own secret agenda not forgetting. Then Sophie, the love interest in the story. Beautiful, strong and a bit short-fused, make sure she doesn’t fall into a Mary Sue trap and please make sure she doesn’t turn into a Misty clone.
As for the main, main characters Ken and Seb, they too are believable, not too overly powerful and not too overly idiotic. However Ken does annoy me with his constant shouting and swearing. Like a character from Divinity’s fic ‘Shattered Pieces’ I really just want to slice off his head and store it on a pike in front of my house. Ken say hi to a Totodile.
Seb is your typical nervous/nice guy, he likes to help people but isn’t too overly confident like one of their close friends is bound to be. However he does have a charm about him that makes him a likeable guy.
As for the pokemon, I would like to see them make more of an appearance rather than just in battles or being used as tools to aid the trainers living. Its something about fics that I really like, nicely described and realistic pokemon. Dogs have their own personalities; I mean my family owns two West Highland Terriers, ones older (about 3-4) and quite placid, whilst the other one is quite young (1-2) and a bit hyperactive. Its just something nice to put in and is helpful for adding length and character development.
Overall, It started out quite average but as it progressed, you yourself progressed as a writer and the chapters were better and more readable, whilst not amazing, your grammar has improved a lot. But I’ll leave Air Dragon to pick up all of those.
I would give you a 7 out of 10 overall, but as it has only just started. For a journey fic anyway. It does have chance to improve which I’m sure it will do, have fun continuing writing your Heroes/Lost epic and I will have fun continuing reading.
Well first things first. As I said in the PM, the title is so blunt its kinda funny. If no one else sees it that way, well at least it made me laugh. Even though it wasn’t probably meant for that.
On first notice, the prologue was rather dark, in both senses of the word. First sense, it was in a pitch-black cave (darn Amp) and in the second sense it was kinda sinister. I mean dark shape, glowing eyes.
Okay, the first chapter. One year later and there is a huge celebration in the town of Ganlon (Fake region, always fun. I find it increases the originality sevenfold, and it’s kind of an unspoken rule for me that there is lots of originality in a fic.) The celebration it seems is to see off the latest in a long line of trainers vying for supremacy.
(Now Wesker, Backstabbing *many expletives*, sorry but those memories of finally completing Resident Evil, by far the hardest one, still linger in my mind. And Caine, like Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami. One man and his sunglasses, the greatest love story ever written.)
And you bring family ties into it, however frequent. It’s often the problem that it’s our hero(es) and only our hero(es) therefore you don’t get enough depth in there. Plus they don’t just go; right I’m on a journey so I’ll just leave unexpectedly.
Yay. Towns named after Berries. I suppose it was easier than coming up with your own names for them.
This section could be cleaned up a lot nicer than it is. After each bit of speech double tap enter, it makes it look nicer like this.
“No good!” Sebastian cried, “it just missed it.”
“******** dude! He hit it, so it counts!” Ken called back. “Wooper, good job. Got to work on the aiming though, but that was awesome.”
“Wwoopperr!” It cried back in excitement. “Your turn buddy.” Ken said, as he grabbed the stick and began to run back to where he was standing before. Sebastian then bent down, and looked at Cubone right in the eyes.
It looks more presentable, and it gives your fic a cheating little length boost. ;]
I won’t point out all the other sections but you get the idea by the example I just pointed out.
Despite that it wasn’t that long, I suppose it was only the second chapter and usually you can’t do much about it plot wise, so they tend to turn up on the short side. Perhaps you could have fleshed it out a bit more, maybe got some character interactions in there perhaps one-on-ones between trainer and pokemon, getting to know one another. You could also bring the Pokémons personalities in as well.
And a new Cubone knowing Bonemerang, that means it already level 28 at least (I like Marowak you see) a bit odd, by that standard it’s close to evolution.
Gah. Evil Seedot. The water will be avenged.
The Battle was nicely written and the Seedot got what was coming to it, Haha.
Eww. Are you sure that stuff is safe to drink, I mean its been in something’s mouth.
We get introduced to Damon, the owner of the Ampharos in the prologue that abandoned Seb. Apparently he is a pretty good trainer and wishes to give out some advice, tough older type character that will probably stay or return later.
Tough older shady type guy, answers cell phone, it can only be bad. As I said, only bad. And I suppose the Magby and Elekid are the ‘merchandise’ Damon mentioned.
That should be ‘too damn proud’ and too strong willed’
Are these people all super surfers, I mean the over excessive use of the word ‘dude’ is getting annoying.
How can you knock on a tent flap?
Her dad is travelling with them as well? I’m sure you meant talk about my father.
I do have a point to make, I mean I know you have an R rated fic here, but the amount of swearing in this thing is annoying, I don’t want to keep deciphering starred out words into possible swearwords they can be. I’m sure not all teens swear like drunken sailors.
Gym battle was nicely described, and so was the fistfight in the alley. I must say that the overall goodness of this fic has improved, which makes sense.
So you say this is kind of like Lost, in the way that everything is significant. Damn that show irritated me to no end with its unfinished storylines and unanswered questions and the fact it moved to Sky One, which I don’t have. Anyway, a fic like that could be good in ways, just have to make people want to come back for more.
Oh. I happened to be at the end of your fic, I thought there were more chapters. Damn, I want to know what happens in the cave, I want to know more. Heroes FTW.
The conclusion. AKA ‘the sum-up of all fears.’
At the start, the story was kinda bland. Two kids journey from small town to prosper in the world of pokemon training. Gladly, you brought other stuff into it, the introduction of Damon. A pretty cool and quite believable character, the older been there, done that, bought the t-shirt kinda guy ready to share his knowledge. With his own secret agenda not forgetting. Then Sophie, the love interest in the story. Beautiful, strong and a bit short-fused, make sure she doesn’t fall into a Mary Sue trap and please make sure she doesn’t turn into a Misty clone.
As for the main, main characters Ken and Seb, they too are believable, not too overly powerful and not too overly idiotic. However Ken does annoy me with his constant shouting and swearing. Like a character from Divinity’s fic ‘Shattered Pieces’ I really just want to slice off his head and store it on a pike in front of my house. Ken say hi to a Totodile.
Seb is your typical nervous/nice guy, he likes to help people but isn’t too overly confident like one of their close friends is bound to be. However he does have a charm about him that makes him a likeable guy.
As for the pokemon, I would like to see them make more of an appearance rather than just in battles or being used as tools to aid the trainers living. Its something about fics that I really like, nicely described and realistic pokemon. Dogs have their own personalities; I mean my family owns two West Highland Terriers, ones older (about 3-4) and quite placid, whilst the other one is quite young (1-2) and a bit hyperactive. Its just something nice to put in and is helpful for adding length and character development.
Overall, It started out quite average but as it progressed, you yourself progressed as a writer and the chapters were better and more readable, whilst not amazing, your grammar has improved a lot. But I’ll leave Air Dragon to pick up all of those.
I would give you a 7 out of 10 overall, but as it has only just started. For a journey fic anyway. It does have chance to improve which I’m sure it will do, have fun continuing writing your Heroes/Lost epic and I will have fun continuing reading.
LinksOcarina
The true master
My logic is that the pokemon are accessable to all their moves for their level, just to make things easier.
And thank you for the pointers in grammar and the good and bad criticism, it is much appreciated Diddy, I hope you keep reading as I sprinkle a chapter here and there from time to time. And hey, 7/10 is better than I expected (i'm too critical on myself.) Anyway thank you for the review, it is much appreciated!
I must confess though, what do you mean by mary-sue? I hear that all over the forums, but never really understood what makes a mary-sue.
And thank you for the pointers in grammar and the good and bad criticism, it is much appreciated Diddy, I hope you keep reading as I sprinkle a chapter here and there from time to time. And hey, 7/10 is better than I expected (i'm too critical on myself.) Anyway thank you for the review, it is much appreciated!
I must confess though, what do you mean by mary-sue? I hear that all over the forums, but never really understood what makes a mary-sue.
Last edited:
Shinobi5878
Resident Bad A**
Hey man,
Read all the chapters you wrote. There pretty good. I do see some grammer mistakes but to me thats no big deal cuse you can understand it anyway. But its a pretty good story. Can't wait for more chapters.
Read all the chapters you wrote. There pretty good. I do see some grammer mistakes but to me thats no big deal cuse you can understand it anyway. But its a pretty good story. Can't wait for more chapters.
LinksOcarina
The true master
Woah!
Holy crap! I'm back!
Well, sort of. I actually split the chapter up a bit, because I am so damn busy it is hard for me to write much now a days. This is a small portion of what the chapter was supposed to be, but it will do, so I am making it it's own chapter as of right now.
With that said, I hope you all enjoy it. Not much happens here, but I had fun writing this bit when I did it.
Same disclaimer applies, the story is rated R for violence, innuendos, etc.
Chapter 16- Chase
The Steelix’s gleeful roar echoed through the cavern’s granite walls, shaking them from the terrible, hollowed sound. Sebastian and Sophie covered their ears from the high pitched sound, one that could easily rupture their eardrums at such a close range. Sebastian could barely think with the sound echoing in his brain, but innately, he knew one thing he had to do in such a situation.
“RUN!” He shouted, before grabbing Sophie’s slender wrist and pulling her away from the Steelix. The two teens began to sprint as fast as they could in the darkness, unsure of where to go in the blackness of the cave, but getting away from the shadowy figure of the Steelix behind them.
The Steelix, however, would not have any of that. Snapping its mouth in the air madly, it tried to grab onto the teens, gripping them in a steel vice. Its massive jaws snapped the stagnant air around Sebastian and Sophie, barely missing the two in the darkness. Emitting a angry growl, it charged forward, squeezing through the hole it created at a faster pace.
The two teens began running as fast as they could, their hearts pounding with each strident step, as if they would leap from their chests out of exhaustion. Their muscles turned into elastic jelly in their bodies and they pumped their legs to gather as much speed as possible. Their minds began to get cloudy, their breathing labored as they ran; the Steelix giving chase, moving swiftly enough through the caves to keep up with the teens.
“WHERE ARE WE GOING?” Shouted Sebastian, as the two kept running away from the giant pokemon behind them.
“WHO CARES….LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” Sophie shot back. Her voice was wavering slightly as she tried to breathe through the pain in her body.
In the black, it was nearly impossible to see. The darkness of the cave obscured any vision the teens may have, and numerous times they nearly ran into a cavern wall, or tripped on a large stone. Luck was with them as they sprinted by, for they never lost much ground against the chasing Steelix. The Steelix kept chugging along at a close enough distance, making growling snarls to the teens and snapping it’s steel jaws towards them, hoping to capture something inside it besides the pungent cave air.
“LOOK!” Sophie suddenly shouted,
Finally, in the distance of a long tunnel, a faint light can be seen by the two.
“IS…IT A….WAY OUT?” Sebastian shouted.
“I DON’T KNOW.” Sophie shouted back.
“ROOOOAAARR” The Steelix made, almost deafening the teens again. From that, the two trainers rushed towards the illuminated source, while the Steelix now pounding the cavern walls behind it with its tail, causing small tremors to shake the foundations of the cave.
The tremors began to quake around the trainers, causing their already weakened legs to wobble even more on uneven ground. Their bodies were tired from having to run for what seemed like forever inside the cave. Sebastian, unable to hold his balance any longer, fell over on the quaking ground, his body giving out to exhaustion. Sophie stopped dead in her tracks, and turned back to grab Sebastian.
“LEAVE ME!” He shouted. But Sophie just shook her head.
“NO WAY, LETS GO!” She said, grabbing his arm and trying to lift his frame from the ground. The quaking of the cave made this difficult, but Sebastian just shoved her off of him.
“GET OUT OF HERE! GO!” He said, and he reached for his belt and grabbed one of his pokeballs, tossing it onto the ground next to him. In a flash of red light, the round, shadowy shape of his Seedot was now next to him, it’s big doe eyes scanning the cave as its own body shook from the Seelix’s earthquakes.
“I AM NOT GOING WITHOUT YOU!” She cried, but another loud ROOOAARR from the Steelix overpowered her voice.
The iron snake finally stopped inches from Sebastian’s laying point, its giant head in the air, breathing somewhat heavily from the chase it participated in. The creatures face was tilted upwards in a grinning snarl, almost as if it was laughing at the foolishness of the two teens trying to escape. It brought its snout close to Sebastian’s face, almost sniffing the air around him, and breathing on him with full force. Sebastian didn’t move a muscle, his eyes wide in fear as the creature eyed him in the dark. Behind him, he felt more rumbling, but this time it was not from the earthquakes the Steelix made, but of his Seedot, cowering in fear from the massive pokemon before it.
Sophie too, was frozen in terror, not moving anything except her hand, slowly reaching down to grab a pokeball at her side.
“Make a move, Seb.” Whispered Sophie.
The Seelix, inches from Sebastian’s head, jerked from the noise, its gaze now solely on the young female. Sebastian moved his hand, feeling for his Seedot, still shaking slightly from the Steelix’s presence.
“Attack it, Seedot.” Sebastian said, but the grass type didn’t move, too petrified to do anything against the iron snake. Sebastian tried to push his pokemon in front of him, forcibly moving the Seedot towards the Steelix, but the acorn just stood its ground, too terrified to move.
“Please….Seedot.” Sebastian pleaded. He began to hold the Seedot with his hand, trying to calm his pokemon down. The Seedot’s shakes began to slow, but it didn’t make any effort to move against the Steelix.
The Steelix moved its head back and forth, sniffing the air around Sebastian some more before focusing its gaze on Sophie. It followed a similar pattern, moving slowly, as if playing with the two, toying with their rapidly depleting courage. Neither of them could see it, but in the darkness the Steelix’s beady black eyes were gleaming with delight at its actions, enjoying the slow torture it was placing on its prey.
Like a curious predator, the Steelix tilted its head upwards, flexing its serpent body outwards as its head rose to the ceiling of the cave. It let out a triumphant growl, as it opened its large mouth and brought it closer towards Sebastian. Its teeth were like sharp steel needles, ready to grab and pierce its prey.
The Steelix roared in delight as it closed in on Sebastian’s head, its great mouth almost the goalpost opened wide. Sebastian could do nothing but watch in horror, and scream in terror, as the pokemons jaws came crashing down on his body.
Holy crap! I'm back!
Well, sort of. I actually split the chapter up a bit, because I am so damn busy it is hard for me to write much now a days. This is a small portion of what the chapter was supposed to be, but it will do, so I am making it it's own chapter as of right now.
With that said, I hope you all enjoy it. Not much happens here, but I had fun writing this bit when I did it.
Same disclaimer applies, the story is rated R for violence, innuendos, etc.
Chapter 16- Chase
The Steelix’s gleeful roar echoed through the cavern’s granite walls, shaking them from the terrible, hollowed sound. Sebastian and Sophie covered their ears from the high pitched sound, one that could easily rupture their eardrums at such a close range. Sebastian could barely think with the sound echoing in his brain, but innately, he knew one thing he had to do in such a situation.
“RUN!” He shouted, before grabbing Sophie’s slender wrist and pulling her away from the Steelix. The two teens began to sprint as fast as they could in the darkness, unsure of where to go in the blackness of the cave, but getting away from the shadowy figure of the Steelix behind them.
The Steelix, however, would not have any of that. Snapping its mouth in the air madly, it tried to grab onto the teens, gripping them in a steel vice. Its massive jaws snapped the stagnant air around Sebastian and Sophie, barely missing the two in the darkness. Emitting a angry growl, it charged forward, squeezing through the hole it created at a faster pace.
The two teens began running as fast as they could, their hearts pounding with each strident step, as if they would leap from their chests out of exhaustion. Their muscles turned into elastic jelly in their bodies and they pumped their legs to gather as much speed as possible. Their minds began to get cloudy, their breathing labored as they ran; the Steelix giving chase, moving swiftly enough through the caves to keep up with the teens.
“WHERE ARE WE GOING?” Shouted Sebastian, as the two kept running away from the giant pokemon behind them.
“WHO CARES….LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” Sophie shot back. Her voice was wavering slightly as she tried to breathe through the pain in her body.
In the black, it was nearly impossible to see. The darkness of the cave obscured any vision the teens may have, and numerous times they nearly ran into a cavern wall, or tripped on a large stone. Luck was with them as they sprinted by, for they never lost much ground against the chasing Steelix. The Steelix kept chugging along at a close enough distance, making growling snarls to the teens and snapping it’s steel jaws towards them, hoping to capture something inside it besides the pungent cave air.
“LOOK!” Sophie suddenly shouted,
Finally, in the distance of a long tunnel, a faint light can be seen by the two.
“IS…IT A….WAY OUT?” Sebastian shouted.
“I DON’T KNOW.” Sophie shouted back.
“ROOOOAAARR” The Steelix made, almost deafening the teens again. From that, the two trainers rushed towards the illuminated source, while the Steelix now pounding the cavern walls behind it with its tail, causing small tremors to shake the foundations of the cave.
The tremors began to quake around the trainers, causing their already weakened legs to wobble even more on uneven ground. Their bodies were tired from having to run for what seemed like forever inside the cave. Sebastian, unable to hold his balance any longer, fell over on the quaking ground, his body giving out to exhaustion. Sophie stopped dead in her tracks, and turned back to grab Sebastian.
“LEAVE ME!” He shouted. But Sophie just shook her head.
“NO WAY, LETS GO!” She said, grabbing his arm and trying to lift his frame from the ground. The quaking of the cave made this difficult, but Sebastian just shoved her off of him.
“GET OUT OF HERE! GO!” He said, and he reached for his belt and grabbed one of his pokeballs, tossing it onto the ground next to him. In a flash of red light, the round, shadowy shape of his Seedot was now next to him, it’s big doe eyes scanning the cave as its own body shook from the Seelix’s earthquakes.
“I AM NOT GOING WITHOUT YOU!” She cried, but another loud ROOOAARR from the Steelix overpowered her voice.
The iron snake finally stopped inches from Sebastian’s laying point, its giant head in the air, breathing somewhat heavily from the chase it participated in. The creatures face was tilted upwards in a grinning snarl, almost as if it was laughing at the foolishness of the two teens trying to escape. It brought its snout close to Sebastian’s face, almost sniffing the air around him, and breathing on him with full force. Sebastian didn’t move a muscle, his eyes wide in fear as the creature eyed him in the dark. Behind him, he felt more rumbling, but this time it was not from the earthquakes the Steelix made, but of his Seedot, cowering in fear from the massive pokemon before it.
Sophie too, was frozen in terror, not moving anything except her hand, slowly reaching down to grab a pokeball at her side.
“Make a move, Seb.” Whispered Sophie.
The Seelix, inches from Sebastian’s head, jerked from the noise, its gaze now solely on the young female. Sebastian moved his hand, feeling for his Seedot, still shaking slightly from the Steelix’s presence.
“Attack it, Seedot.” Sebastian said, but the grass type didn’t move, too petrified to do anything against the iron snake. Sebastian tried to push his pokemon in front of him, forcibly moving the Seedot towards the Steelix, but the acorn just stood its ground, too terrified to move.
“Please….Seedot.” Sebastian pleaded. He began to hold the Seedot with his hand, trying to calm his pokemon down. The Seedot’s shakes began to slow, but it didn’t make any effort to move against the Steelix.
The Steelix moved its head back and forth, sniffing the air around Sebastian some more before focusing its gaze on Sophie. It followed a similar pattern, moving slowly, as if playing with the two, toying with their rapidly depleting courage. Neither of them could see it, but in the darkness the Steelix’s beady black eyes were gleaming with delight at its actions, enjoying the slow torture it was placing on its prey.
Like a curious predator, the Steelix tilted its head upwards, flexing its serpent body outwards as its head rose to the ceiling of the cave. It let out a triumphant growl, as it opened its large mouth and brought it closer towards Sebastian. Its teeth were like sharp steel needles, ready to grab and pierce its prey.
The Steelix roared in delight as it closed in on Sebastian’s head, its great mouth almost the goalpost opened wide. Sebastian could do nothing but watch in horror, and scream in terror, as the pokemons jaws came crashing down on his body.
Last edited:
Huckleberry
Poison Trainer
Just a missing apostrophe here, for the word 'cavern's'.
For the tense you tend to write in, this should say "as fast as they could".
Here, the word 'itself' isn't needed. It sounds a little odd with it in the sentence.
Couple things here. First, not to be repetitive, it should read "as fast as they could". Second, the last part of it should read "they pumped their legs to gather...". Just small typos.
Just another typo looks like. I'm fairly certain you meant snarls, not gnarls
The word 'ears' is extraneous here. Like the above example, the sentence just sounds awkward.
Another awkward sounding sentence. If you put the word 'from' into it, i.e. "Their bodies were tired from having...", it just gives it an easier flow.
Another missed apostrophe. No biggie.
Starting the sentence with "Neither of them could see it,..." is more proper. Also, "gleaming with delight at its actions,..." and "torture it was placing...". Just a couple more small typos.
Otherwise, dude, well done again. I'm excited every time I see this fic update. Keep at it, just don't let it strees you. The rest of life does that just fine on its own.
Edit: To fix my own typos *grin*
Last edited:
LinksOcarina
The true master
Whats funny is I took out the apostraphes on most of the words because I thought they didn't fit. The typos though I didn't notice, thanks for once again proving that I suck at grammar, lol.
And I am glad your enjoying the fic so far. As long as people keep reading, I will keep posting as much as I can, when I can.
And I am glad your enjoying the fic so far. As long as people keep reading, I will keep posting as much as I can, when I can.
electivire165
Well-Known Member
Hey man this is great, good on ya and keep up the good work!
electivire165
Well-Known Member
Hey man this is great, good on ya and keep up the good work!
Shadow Lucario
Lone Vanguard
The a here should be an. That's mostly the only thing I noticed. A really big cliffhanger at the end. Will Sebastian live? Will Ken and Damon find Sophie and Sebastian? I cannot wait for the next chapter
Until next time, this is Shadow Lucario signing off
Shadow Lucario
Lone Vanguard
The a here should be an. That's mostly the only thing I noticed. A really big cliffhanger at the end. Will Sebastian live? Will Ken and Damon find Sophie and Sebastian? I cannot wait for the next chapter
Until next time, this is Shadow Lucario signing off
Huckleberry
Poison Trainer
Bah! *waves it away* Typos happen to everyone and no one has perfect grammar. You actually have much better grammar than a good majority of fan fic writers, which is something to be proud of.
Edit to fix broken quote
dark destruction
Pokétoh
Wow inspiring, truly inspireing.
Could you please rate my thread? its not that good but ive got 2 people just attacking it and not helping me at all. they are: 'Yami Ryu' and 'storymasterb'. Please people i've just started it and these people are just attacking it
http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=335224
Please and thanks.
Could you please rate my thread? its not that good but ive got 2 people just attacking it and not helping me at all. they are: 'Yami Ryu' and 'storymasterb'. Please people i've just started it and these people are just attacking it
http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=335224
Please and thanks.
Air Dragon
Ha, ha... not.
Now for my two cents...
Mmmmm, Sebastian... tastes like chicken.
Wow, this had to be the shortest chapter you’ve written thus far. But it was certainly suspenseful.
Well, all we can do now is wait.
L@er!
Mmmmm, Sebastian... tastes like chicken.
Wow, this had to be the shortest chapter you’ve written thus far. But it was certainly suspenseful.
Well, all we can do now is wait.
L@er!
LinksOcarina
The true master
OMG i'm back!
hey all, i'm back. And the downward spiral of not posting for months and months continues.
I think the last chapter I posted was in August some time last year. To say the least it's been busy, with graduate school and struggling to find a job in a jobless economy in the U.S, but i'm still ticking, and I finally finished editing the next chapter.
I do want to thank everyone who has been supporting this little story though. All the good nature comments, the corrections to my grammar, the criticisms and the rest, I really do value it. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, as it is a turning point somewhat for the entire narrative, as you will see.
Disclaimer, of course. This story is rated R for scenes of graphic violence, foul language, and the like.
Enjoy.
LinksOcarina
Chapter 17- Collapse
The Steelix roared in delight as it closed in on Sebastian’s head, its great mouth almost the goalpost opened wide. Sebastian could do nothing but watch in horror, and scream in terror, as the pokemon’s jaws came crashing down on his body.
Sebastian closed his eyes, tucked in his arms and held his chest in a hug, waiting for his fate. Time seemed to slow down for him in the darkness; he could feel the slight shaking of his cowardly Seedot, Sophie’s soft hands grasping his shoulder, his own heart thumping loudly in his chest.
Suddenly, he heard the Steelix roar, almost in his ears, but this was not a roar of triumph as before, this was something different.
Sebastian opened his eyes again, only to close them quickly to shield the bright light that filled the cave. The brilliant, white light radiated the once blackness of the cave, laminating every crevice and crack, giving light to every dark void within the walls. Almost like a bulb being powered by a socket, the light shone brightly, unwavering in the darkness.
“COME ON!” shouted Sophie, tugging on Sebastian’s arm and trying to get him up on his feet. Sebastian began to scramble, kicking his feet into the dirt and crawling away from the thrashing Steelix, pummeling the cavern walls with its skull. The caves rumbled loudly, shaking with violent tremors by the Steelix’s head bashing. Amp stood its ground, its pink body shaking wildly from the turbulence.
Sebastian, finally upright once again, grabbed his still trembling Seedot and began running madly, his legs pumping as hard as they can to follow Sophie in the darkness. The two teens run downwards into the cavern, not knowing which way they are going or how to get there.
“WHERE ARE WE?” he shouted, in the near distance the roars of the Steelix were heard once again.
“JUST KEEP MOVING!” retorted Sophie. Her voice was now raspy from the constant yelling over the Steelix’s cries.
The two kept moving through the darkness, until they came to a larger chamber in the cave. This chamber stood out from the rest, mainly due to the large hole in the center of the cavern. The moonlight was now shining downwards into a perfect beam, the rain, now a slow drizzle, created a tiny puddle in the centerpiece, with the runoff water moving in numerous directions of the cavern. Sadly, the tunnel just lead to here, a dead end was what the two teens have run into.
Gasping for air, Sophie grabbed one of her pokeballs, and quickly tossed it to the ground. A quick red flash revealed her tiny Treecko, its golden eyes scanning the room with near perfect vision. Somewhat confused by the setting, it looked up at its heaving master, giving a puzzling expression as it waited for some type of command to fulfill.
Sebastian, still cradling his Seedot, began to catch his breath. His Seedot was still trembling with fear, emitting quick breaths through it’s near paralyzed state, to which Sebastan tried to caress it’s durable shell, hoping to calm his pokemon as he began to look around the cavern chamber. He scanned the sides of the walls, searching for some passageway to lead out of here, but found nothing.
“You see..anything?” He asked Sophie. Sophie just shook her head.
“Were at a dead end…****!” She wailed, before turning her head to her pokemon. “Treecko, were in trouble, be ready to fight if need be ok?” she asked.
The Treecko, still somewhat unsure as to what has transpired, only nodded it’s head in slightly. It’s tiny frame clung to Sophie, its eyes peeled for anything. Sebastian meanwhile recalled his Seedot, and threw another pokeball onto the floor, this time, his Cubone, club fully brandished, was ready for the next fight.
“Just in case buddy, be ready to fight a Steelix, ok?” He said to it, the Cubone’s eyes widened at the statement, and it nervously nodded its head. The four of them kept near the center of the cave, huddled under the small hole of light, except for Sebastian’s Cubone, which opted to stay away from the puddle in the floor. Despite the minor drizzle pouring on them, the group kept their eyes on the entrance to this chamber.
After a few moments, no sounds could be heard.
“I think we lost it….” Sebastian began to say, but then another rumble shook the chamber. All of them, human and pokemon, braced themselves, anticipating some kind of attack. The rumbles only got louder, the shaking cavern more turbulent.
“You had to say something.” Sophie said, right before a fresh hole was made to the right of the chambers entrance. The Steelix burst through the cavern walls, and Amp went flying in the air, until it landed hard onto the hardened ground headfirst. After a few seconds of immobilization, it looked like it was not getting up.
“ATTACK, MAGICAL LEAF!” Sophie shouted.
“HELP IT, CUBONE, BONEMERANG!” Sebastian cried.
The two tiny pokemon gave each other a quick glance, and then turned to their giant opponent, who was snaking closer to them, crunching the dirt bed and the tiny rocks below its massive metallic body while emitting a slight growl.
Treecko moved first, with great agility jumped into the air and seemingly out of nowhere, threw two large, paper thin leaves like spinning shurikens at the eyes of the giant pokemon. Cubone, in timely fashion, threw his bone at the pokemon’s face. The Steelix, however, just opened its mouth slightly, almost mimicking a laugh before it swished its blade-like tail into the air and made a sharp cut, knocking the bone to the floor and slicing the two leaves in half.
Treecko threw another set at the steel-type, while Cubone ran to retrieve its club. The Steelix roared loudly, causing the pokemon to stop in their tracks, frightened by the high pitched screech that was made. The steel type lifted its tail again and slashed the air, striking Treecko on its side and knocking it back onto the ground. It also moved part of its body in the pathway of Cubone, blocking it from its precious club.
“HEADBUTT!” cried Sebastian. Cubone, lowering its head, rammed full speed into the steel type’s body, but the hard surface seemingly shook off any blow, and rather knocked Cubone to the ground. The Steelix was almost bellowing in laughter, seemingly amused by the tiny pokémon’s attempts to attack it. With a flick of its tail, the Steelix tosses the Cubone back to the ground, making it roll through the center light and smack into the small pool of water.
“****…get up Cubone!” Sebastian cried. The small ground type was struggling to its feet, slipping in the pool. Its eyes were red and puffy and its fur was slick with mud, making movement slow and uncomfortable for the ground type. Across the room, Treeko was staggering to its feet, its arm was hanging on its side with a large gash running across it. Its eyes were slightly glossy, but it had a smile running across its face.
“Treeko! Ensnare it with Leech Seed!” cried Sophie. The pokemon lifted its good arm, and a glowing, green ball began to form in the palm of its hand. The Steelix, noticing the small pokemon, struck with its razor sharp tail again, but this time Treeko dodged it, not losing any concentration. With a quick motion, it threw the glowing ball towards the Steelixs’ tail. Upon striking it, the glowing orb began to sprout tiny, thorny vines that wrapped around the creatures backend. The Steelix roared as the seeds began to sap some of its power; small, glowing green balls began to float back to Treeko, giving it some much needed energy. The effects began to work, as the gash on its arm began to disappear.
“GET AMP AND LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” cried Sophie. Sebastian nodded and dashed towards Amp, still unconscious near the back of the room. He quickly grabbed its pink frame and donned the pokemon over its shoulder, and ran towards his Cubone as it struggled to stand in the middle of the chamber. The Steelix brought its teeth to the vines, and began gnawing the thorny brambles to cut itself loose. Treeko in turn began to attack again, throwing more magical leaves towards Steelixs’ eyes. The leaves struck the monsters eyes just as it sawed through the ensnaring brambles, causing it to stagger back a bit yelping in pain. Sophie recalled Treeko and ran towards Sebastian.
“HEAD FOR THE ENTERENCE!” Sebastian shouted as he grabbed his pokeball and retrieved his Cubone. “I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU….”Sophie cried, but the Steelix just roared and shoved its body between the two, swiping its tail at a shocked Sophie and bashing her on the top of her head. She fell down hard, a large bump with blood beginning to flow from the wound.
“SOPHIE!” Sebastian cried, but the Steelix obstructed his view of her. Its beady eyes locked in on Sebastian and Amp, and the iron snake began to circle around him.
‘I’m doomed….’ Thought Sebastian, as the Steelix opened its mouth and lowered its jaws over him, before a sudden BOOM of thunder erupted from the sky, stopping the Steelix for a moment. He looked up as the rain, once a drizzle, began to pour heavily.
A sudden idea crossed his mind, and he turned to the Steelix, looking upwards.
“Finish the damn job already! GO AHEAD! DO IT!” taunted Sebastian. The creature roared and moved its head down quickly, its jaws agape. Sebastian waited as long his nerves could stay, before he jumped away to the left, scraping his arm onto the metallic body of the Steelix as he crashed into it. Amp fell from his shoulder and hit the mudded ground hard as he reached for a pokeball and threw it as far away as he could. His baby Elekid popped out, emitting a loveable coo before opening its eyes and seeing the giant monstrosity before it.
“ELEKID, SHOCK THE STEELIX!” Sebastian screamed, as he grabbed Amp, now caked in fresh mud, and jumped again, over the Steelix’s body. The giant snake snapped at him, but instead caught himself, scraping its metallic body with a high pitched screech. Sebastian ran as fast as he could towards Sophie’s body, quickly grabbing her arm and dropping Amp as gently as he could next to her. His right arm was bruised and bleeding, his back was aching. He was tired and breathing heavy, but was more concerned for his friend than himself at this point.
The Steelix, now eyeing Sebastians' Elekid, seemed to lose all interest in the human it was chasing, and snapped its jaws furiously at the baby pokemon. The Elekid in turn was not frightened at all. In fact, its eyes were glowing as it readied an attack, sending a massive thunder bolt from the top of its head towards the Steelix. The creature was struck dead on, and thanks to the rain and the puddle the iron snake was still wading in, the hit was able to stick.
The pokemon, normally immune to thunder, was nearly paralyzed. The Steelix roared once again, this time in pain. Sebastian was busy checking Sophie to see if she was breathing, luckily, she was just knocked cold by the blow. Her pulse was faint and her breaths were low and labored.
“Wake up…wake up!” Sebastian kept uttering under his breath.
He was tired and dirty, and he kept slapping Sophie in the face, trying to spur her back into consciousness. Sophie began to stir a bit, much to Sebastian’s relief, coughing a bit before smacking him back.
“Don’t ever….hit me again!” Sophie said hoarsely. The blow on her head by the Steelix had stopped bleeding, but a large bruise protruded from her cranium, no doubt a small cut that was obstructed from view by her tangled hair.
“Come on get up!” Sebastian said, grabbing her and getting her on her feet. Behind them, a loud clap of thunder echoed in the cave, as the two teens turned and saw the Steelix convulse with electricity running through its shiny body. Sebastian’s Elekid kept his barrage of thunder bolts on the creature. The Steelix roared one more time, slamming its head into the rock wall, causing another tremor, before collapsing onto the floor.
“ELEKID, GET OVER HERE!” Shouted Sebastian.
The baby pokemon looked at him, its eyes a pale almost menacing looking yellow, pulsating with power, possibly leftover electricity that is still surging through its body. The baby pokemon had a small, sly smile form on its lips, almost a menacing look from the pokemon, as it leisurely walked towards its master.
Sebastian finally breathed deep, almost in a sigh, as he went towards his Elekid and gave it a loving pat.
“Thank you, for saving us.” He whispered into the pokémon’s ear, so that Sophie couldn’t hear him. The baby just cooed softly in glee, its eyes returning to normal and it’s smile fading to a full blown grin. Sebastian looked around for the creature’s poke-ball, before finding it near the Steelixs unconscious body. Picking it up and dusting off some of the grime and mud that accumulated on its side, he recalled his Elekid.
“Is it dead?” Sophie asked, walking cautiously towards the Steelix’s body.
“Sophie, let’s just…” Sebastian began, but she just lifted her palm to him and looked down at the Steel type.
“Maybe we should just capture it now.” She said to him.
She was standing now near the edge of the light hole, touching the water with the tips of her sneakers as she inched closer to look the Steelix over. Its beady eyes, once expressionless, were now almost shut. Its body wasn’t stirring, it’s mouth opened wide. The Steelix was knocked out and was unlikely to get up any time soon.
Suddenly, the cave began to shake once more, even more violently then before. Sophie fell almost headfirst into the pool of water, while Sebastian struggled to keep his own balance.
“Now what?” Sophie said, almost sarcastically. The shaking continued until a loud, cracking noise was heard. Both teens turned towards the Steelix’s front, where the head of the creature slammed into the eroding rock wall. Around it, the rocks began to splinter into a thousand tiny shards, before generating a large crack, barely visible in the darkness as it snaked up towards the ceiling. It made its way towards the center hole, where Sebastian could see, to his horror, the large, black cracks in plain view, as they began to shatter near the edges of the hole.
“SOPHIE!” He shouted, as he rushed towards her. Sophie, on her hands and knees from the shakes of the cave, tilted her head. Her eyes went wide as the ceiling began to crack, until a huge piece of rock, almost twice her size, came crashing down.
Sophie braced herself, her eyes shut until she felt a giant tug as she fell hard into the ground, just before another tremor shook the earth. This time, it was followed a loud thud, and a giant splash in between. Sophie looked to her right, and saw another rock fall, this one the size of a basketball. The rockslide from the cavern ceiling created an even bigger hole; the combination of the rain eroding the walls and the Steelix’s headbutt to the wall was too much for the cave itself to handle.
Sophie, still on the ground, looked around for Sebastian, before a flash of lightning gave her a clearer sight of the fallen rocks. Her eyes widened in horror, he mouth was open in shock, at the sight of Sebastian’s body, bloodied and crumpled in between the giant rocks that fell from the ceiling.
The morning sun was finally rising; the storm clouds were dissipating, as the sun’s majestic rays beamed through the clouds. Atop a hill, overlooking the mountainous cave, two young men, camping in the highlands, watched with intense eyes the sides of the mountain. One of them, a tall, thin man with a coal colored goatee, was looking at the mountain with a pair of binoculars. The other, a shorter, angelic faced looking youth with curly brown hair and big, almost doe like eyes, was over his shoulder, almost eager with anticipation of any movement down below.
“What do you think happened in there?” said the trainer with curly brown hair.
“It sounded like a major struggle?” The man with the goatee said.
“Maybe we should check it out.” Said the curly haired one, but the other just shook his head, adverting his gaze from the binoculars towards his friend.
“Always quick to action, huh Mike? It will get you killed one day.”
The man named Mike gave his partner a cold look.
“Well, what do you suggest then, Rafe?”
“We wait until we see anything, like we were told to do.” Said the man named Rafe. Mike just sighed and sat down on the grass. The hill was far enough to be out of sight, yet close enough to get a view of the whole mountain.
“Wait…I….yes there is something.” Rafe said, peering intently through the binoculars towards the mountains side.
“What is it?” said Mike, getting up and hovering over his partner, trying to grab the binoculars and look for himself.
“Stop it…” said Rafe, shaking off Mike, who just shrugged and stood back.
“Is it them or not?”
“It….does look like them. Yes. Three of them, at least. It looks like they are carrying something too…something wrapped up in a cloth…”
“Is it a body?” Mike asked.
Rafe only nodded.
“So it got one of the targets then? Good.” Said Mike triumphantly.
“Get on the phone with Yuri, tell him we have an unconfirmed kill. The Steelix did its job, hopefully.”
“What about the Steelix, shouldn’t we retrieve it?” Mike asked.
“No!” snapped Rafe. “The fact that only one of them is down means it failed its mission. Its not even worth keeping if it was defeated by normal pokemon.”
“What about….him?” Spat Mike.
Rafe peered through his binoculars some more, focusing on the figures in the distance as they ran off, the morning glares obstructing his view.
“I can’t tell…but knowing Damon, he’s probably leading them now, like how he lead them to our trap.”
Mike began to chuckle, somewhat morbidly, as Rafe left a wryly smile creep across his lips.
“He has to be scared, at the very least.” Said Rafe. “He is running out of places to hide from us. Sooner or later, he will get what he deserves, and so will those half wit’s who are travelling with him.”
hey all, i'm back. And the downward spiral of not posting for months and months continues.
I think the last chapter I posted was in August some time last year. To say the least it's been busy, with graduate school and struggling to find a job in a jobless economy in the U.S, but i'm still ticking, and I finally finished editing the next chapter.
I do want to thank everyone who has been supporting this little story though. All the good nature comments, the corrections to my grammar, the criticisms and the rest, I really do value it. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, as it is a turning point somewhat for the entire narrative, as you will see.
Disclaimer, of course. This story is rated R for scenes of graphic violence, foul language, and the like.
Enjoy.
LinksOcarina
Chapter 17- Collapse
The Steelix roared in delight as it closed in on Sebastian’s head, its great mouth almost the goalpost opened wide. Sebastian could do nothing but watch in horror, and scream in terror, as the pokemon’s jaws came crashing down on his body.
Sebastian closed his eyes, tucked in his arms and held his chest in a hug, waiting for his fate. Time seemed to slow down for him in the darkness; he could feel the slight shaking of his cowardly Seedot, Sophie’s soft hands grasping his shoulder, his own heart thumping loudly in his chest.
Suddenly, he heard the Steelix roar, almost in his ears, but this was not a roar of triumph as before, this was something different.
Sebastian opened his eyes again, only to close them quickly to shield the bright light that filled the cave. The brilliant, white light radiated the once blackness of the cave, laminating every crevice and crack, giving light to every dark void within the walls. Almost like a bulb being powered by a socket, the light shone brightly, unwavering in the darkness.
“COME ON!” shouted Sophie, tugging on Sebastian’s arm and trying to get him up on his feet. Sebastian began to scramble, kicking his feet into the dirt and crawling away from the thrashing Steelix, pummeling the cavern walls with its skull. The caves rumbled loudly, shaking with violent tremors by the Steelix’s head bashing. Amp stood its ground, its pink body shaking wildly from the turbulence.
Sebastian, finally upright once again, grabbed his still trembling Seedot and began running madly, his legs pumping as hard as they can to follow Sophie in the darkness. The two teens run downwards into the cavern, not knowing which way they are going or how to get there.
“WHERE ARE WE?” he shouted, in the near distance the roars of the Steelix were heard once again.
“JUST KEEP MOVING!” retorted Sophie. Her voice was now raspy from the constant yelling over the Steelix’s cries.
The two kept moving through the darkness, until they came to a larger chamber in the cave. This chamber stood out from the rest, mainly due to the large hole in the center of the cavern. The moonlight was now shining downwards into a perfect beam, the rain, now a slow drizzle, created a tiny puddle in the centerpiece, with the runoff water moving in numerous directions of the cavern. Sadly, the tunnel just lead to here, a dead end was what the two teens have run into.
Gasping for air, Sophie grabbed one of her pokeballs, and quickly tossed it to the ground. A quick red flash revealed her tiny Treecko, its golden eyes scanning the room with near perfect vision. Somewhat confused by the setting, it looked up at its heaving master, giving a puzzling expression as it waited for some type of command to fulfill.
Sebastian, still cradling his Seedot, began to catch his breath. His Seedot was still trembling with fear, emitting quick breaths through it’s near paralyzed state, to which Sebastan tried to caress it’s durable shell, hoping to calm his pokemon as he began to look around the cavern chamber. He scanned the sides of the walls, searching for some passageway to lead out of here, but found nothing.
“You see..anything?” He asked Sophie. Sophie just shook her head.
“Were at a dead end…****!” She wailed, before turning her head to her pokemon. “Treecko, were in trouble, be ready to fight if need be ok?” she asked.
The Treecko, still somewhat unsure as to what has transpired, only nodded it’s head in slightly. It’s tiny frame clung to Sophie, its eyes peeled for anything. Sebastian meanwhile recalled his Seedot, and threw another pokeball onto the floor, this time, his Cubone, club fully brandished, was ready for the next fight.
“Just in case buddy, be ready to fight a Steelix, ok?” He said to it, the Cubone’s eyes widened at the statement, and it nervously nodded its head. The four of them kept near the center of the cave, huddled under the small hole of light, except for Sebastian’s Cubone, which opted to stay away from the puddle in the floor. Despite the minor drizzle pouring on them, the group kept their eyes on the entrance to this chamber.
After a few moments, no sounds could be heard.
“I think we lost it….” Sebastian began to say, but then another rumble shook the chamber. All of them, human and pokemon, braced themselves, anticipating some kind of attack. The rumbles only got louder, the shaking cavern more turbulent.
“You had to say something.” Sophie said, right before a fresh hole was made to the right of the chambers entrance. The Steelix burst through the cavern walls, and Amp went flying in the air, until it landed hard onto the hardened ground headfirst. After a few seconds of immobilization, it looked like it was not getting up.
“ATTACK, MAGICAL LEAF!” Sophie shouted.
“HELP IT, CUBONE, BONEMERANG!” Sebastian cried.
The two tiny pokemon gave each other a quick glance, and then turned to their giant opponent, who was snaking closer to them, crunching the dirt bed and the tiny rocks below its massive metallic body while emitting a slight growl.
Treecko moved first, with great agility jumped into the air and seemingly out of nowhere, threw two large, paper thin leaves like spinning shurikens at the eyes of the giant pokemon. Cubone, in timely fashion, threw his bone at the pokemon’s face. The Steelix, however, just opened its mouth slightly, almost mimicking a laugh before it swished its blade-like tail into the air and made a sharp cut, knocking the bone to the floor and slicing the two leaves in half.
Treecko threw another set at the steel-type, while Cubone ran to retrieve its club. The Steelix roared loudly, causing the pokemon to stop in their tracks, frightened by the high pitched screech that was made. The steel type lifted its tail again and slashed the air, striking Treecko on its side and knocking it back onto the ground. It also moved part of its body in the pathway of Cubone, blocking it from its precious club.
“HEADBUTT!” cried Sebastian. Cubone, lowering its head, rammed full speed into the steel type’s body, but the hard surface seemingly shook off any blow, and rather knocked Cubone to the ground. The Steelix was almost bellowing in laughter, seemingly amused by the tiny pokémon’s attempts to attack it. With a flick of its tail, the Steelix tosses the Cubone back to the ground, making it roll through the center light and smack into the small pool of water.
“****…get up Cubone!” Sebastian cried. The small ground type was struggling to its feet, slipping in the pool. Its eyes were red and puffy and its fur was slick with mud, making movement slow and uncomfortable for the ground type. Across the room, Treeko was staggering to its feet, its arm was hanging on its side with a large gash running across it. Its eyes were slightly glossy, but it had a smile running across its face.
“Treeko! Ensnare it with Leech Seed!” cried Sophie. The pokemon lifted its good arm, and a glowing, green ball began to form in the palm of its hand. The Steelix, noticing the small pokemon, struck with its razor sharp tail again, but this time Treeko dodged it, not losing any concentration. With a quick motion, it threw the glowing ball towards the Steelixs’ tail. Upon striking it, the glowing orb began to sprout tiny, thorny vines that wrapped around the creatures backend. The Steelix roared as the seeds began to sap some of its power; small, glowing green balls began to float back to Treeko, giving it some much needed energy. The effects began to work, as the gash on its arm began to disappear.
“GET AMP AND LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” cried Sophie. Sebastian nodded and dashed towards Amp, still unconscious near the back of the room. He quickly grabbed its pink frame and donned the pokemon over its shoulder, and ran towards his Cubone as it struggled to stand in the middle of the chamber. The Steelix brought its teeth to the vines, and began gnawing the thorny brambles to cut itself loose. Treeko in turn began to attack again, throwing more magical leaves towards Steelixs’ eyes. The leaves struck the monsters eyes just as it sawed through the ensnaring brambles, causing it to stagger back a bit yelping in pain. Sophie recalled Treeko and ran towards Sebastian.
“HEAD FOR THE ENTERENCE!” Sebastian shouted as he grabbed his pokeball and retrieved his Cubone. “I’M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT YOU….”Sophie cried, but the Steelix just roared and shoved its body between the two, swiping its tail at a shocked Sophie and bashing her on the top of her head. She fell down hard, a large bump with blood beginning to flow from the wound.
“SOPHIE!” Sebastian cried, but the Steelix obstructed his view of her. Its beady eyes locked in on Sebastian and Amp, and the iron snake began to circle around him.
‘I’m doomed….’ Thought Sebastian, as the Steelix opened its mouth and lowered its jaws over him, before a sudden BOOM of thunder erupted from the sky, stopping the Steelix for a moment. He looked up as the rain, once a drizzle, began to pour heavily.
A sudden idea crossed his mind, and he turned to the Steelix, looking upwards.
“Finish the damn job already! GO AHEAD! DO IT!” taunted Sebastian. The creature roared and moved its head down quickly, its jaws agape. Sebastian waited as long his nerves could stay, before he jumped away to the left, scraping his arm onto the metallic body of the Steelix as he crashed into it. Amp fell from his shoulder and hit the mudded ground hard as he reached for a pokeball and threw it as far away as he could. His baby Elekid popped out, emitting a loveable coo before opening its eyes and seeing the giant monstrosity before it.
“ELEKID, SHOCK THE STEELIX!” Sebastian screamed, as he grabbed Amp, now caked in fresh mud, and jumped again, over the Steelix’s body. The giant snake snapped at him, but instead caught himself, scraping its metallic body with a high pitched screech. Sebastian ran as fast as he could towards Sophie’s body, quickly grabbing her arm and dropping Amp as gently as he could next to her. His right arm was bruised and bleeding, his back was aching. He was tired and breathing heavy, but was more concerned for his friend than himself at this point.
The Steelix, now eyeing Sebastians' Elekid, seemed to lose all interest in the human it was chasing, and snapped its jaws furiously at the baby pokemon. The Elekid in turn was not frightened at all. In fact, its eyes were glowing as it readied an attack, sending a massive thunder bolt from the top of its head towards the Steelix. The creature was struck dead on, and thanks to the rain and the puddle the iron snake was still wading in, the hit was able to stick.
The pokemon, normally immune to thunder, was nearly paralyzed. The Steelix roared once again, this time in pain. Sebastian was busy checking Sophie to see if she was breathing, luckily, she was just knocked cold by the blow. Her pulse was faint and her breaths were low and labored.
“Wake up…wake up!” Sebastian kept uttering under his breath.
He was tired and dirty, and he kept slapping Sophie in the face, trying to spur her back into consciousness. Sophie began to stir a bit, much to Sebastian’s relief, coughing a bit before smacking him back.
“Don’t ever….hit me again!” Sophie said hoarsely. The blow on her head by the Steelix had stopped bleeding, but a large bruise protruded from her cranium, no doubt a small cut that was obstructed from view by her tangled hair.
“Come on get up!” Sebastian said, grabbing her and getting her on her feet. Behind them, a loud clap of thunder echoed in the cave, as the two teens turned and saw the Steelix convulse with electricity running through its shiny body. Sebastian’s Elekid kept his barrage of thunder bolts on the creature. The Steelix roared one more time, slamming its head into the rock wall, causing another tremor, before collapsing onto the floor.
“ELEKID, GET OVER HERE!” Shouted Sebastian.
The baby pokemon looked at him, its eyes a pale almost menacing looking yellow, pulsating with power, possibly leftover electricity that is still surging through its body. The baby pokemon had a small, sly smile form on its lips, almost a menacing look from the pokemon, as it leisurely walked towards its master.
Sebastian finally breathed deep, almost in a sigh, as he went towards his Elekid and gave it a loving pat.
“Thank you, for saving us.” He whispered into the pokémon’s ear, so that Sophie couldn’t hear him. The baby just cooed softly in glee, its eyes returning to normal and it’s smile fading to a full blown grin. Sebastian looked around for the creature’s poke-ball, before finding it near the Steelixs unconscious body. Picking it up and dusting off some of the grime and mud that accumulated on its side, he recalled his Elekid.
“Is it dead?” Sophie asked, walking cautiously towards the Steelix’s body.
“Sophie, let’s just…” Sebastian began, but she just lifted her palm to him and looked down at the Steel type.
“Maybe we should just capture it now.” She said to him.
She was standing now near the edge of the light hole, touching the water with the tips of her sneakers as she inched closer to look the Steelix over. Its beady eyes, once expressionless, were now almost shut. Its body wasn’t stirring, it’s mouth opened wide. The Steelix was knocked out and was unlikely to get up any time soon.
Suddenly, the cave began to shake once more, even more violently then before. Sophie fell almost headfirst into the pool of water, while Sebastian struggled to keep his own balance.
“Now what?” Sophie said, almost sarcastically. The shaking continued until a loud, cracking noise was heard. Both teens turned towards the Steelix’s front, where the head of the creature slammed into the eroding rock wall. Around it, the rocks began to splinter into a thousand tiny shards, before generating a large crack, barely visible in the darkness as it snaked up towards the ceiling. It made its way towards the center hole, where Sebastian could see, to his horror, the large, black cracks in plain view, as they began to shatter near the edges of the hole.
“SOPHIE!” He shouted, as he rushed towards her. Sophie, on her hands and knees from the shakes of the cave, tilted her head. Her eyes went wide as the ceiling began to crack, until a huge piece of rock, almost twice her size, came crashing down.
Sophie braced herself, her eyes shut until she felt a giant tug as she fell hard into the ground, just before another tremor shook the earth. This time, it was followed a loud thud, and a giant splash in between. Sophie looked to her right, and saw another rock fall, this one the size of a basketball. The rockslide from the cavern ceiling created an even bigger hole; the combination of the rain eroding the walls and the Steelix’s headbutt to the wall was too much for the cave itself to handle.
Sophie, still on the ground, looked around for Sebastian, before a flash of lightning gave her a clearer sight of the fallen rocks. Her eyes widened in horror, he mouth was open in shock, at the sight of Sebastian’s body, bloodied and crumpled in between the giant rocks that fell from the ceiling.
The morning sun was finally rising; the storm clouds were dissipating, as the sun’s majestic rays beamed through the clouds. Atop a hill, overlooking the mountainous cave, two young men, camping in the highlands, watched with intense eyes the sides of the mountain. One of them, a tall, thin man with a coal colored goatee, was looking at the mountain with a pair of binoculars. The other, a shorter, angelic faced looking youth with curly brown hair and big, almost doe like eyes, was over his shoulder, almost eager with anticipation of any movement down below.
“What do you think happened in there?” said the trainer with curly brown hair.
“It sounded like a major struggle?” The man with the goatee said.
“Maybe we should check it out.” Said the curly haired one, but the other just shook his head, adverting his gaze from the binoculars towards his friend.
“Always quick to action, huh Mike? It will get you killed one day.”
The man named Mike gave his partner a cold look.
“Well, what do you suggest then, Rafe?”
“We wait until we see anything, like we were told to do.” Said the man named Rafe. Mike just sighed and sat down on the grass. The hill was far enough to be out of sight, yet close enough to get a view of the whole mountain.
“Wait…I….yes there is something.” Rafe said, peering intently through the binoculars towards the mountains side.
“What is it?” said Mike, getting up and hovering over his partner, trying to grab the binoculars and look for himself.
“Stop it…” said Rafe, shaking off Mike, who just shrugged and stood back.
“Is it them or not?”
“It….does look like them. Yes. Three of them, at least. It looks like they are carrying something too…something wrapped up in a cloth…”
“Is it a body?” Mike asked.
Rafe only nodded.
“So it got one of the targets then? Good.” Said Mike triumphantly.
“Get on the phone with Yuri, tell him we have an unconfirmed kill. The Steelix did its job, hopefully.”
“What about the Steelix, shouldn’t we retrieve it?” Mike asked.
“No!” snapped Rafe. “The fact that only one of them is down means it failed its mission. Its not even worth keeping if it was defeated by normal pokemon.”
“What about….him?” Spat Mike.
Rafe peered through his binoculars some more, focusing on the figures in the distance as they ran off, the morning glares obstructing his view.
“I can’t tell…but knowing Damon, he’s probably leading them now, like how he lead them to our trap.”
Mike began to chuckle, somewhat morbidly, as Rafe left a wryly smile creep across his lips.
“He has to be scared, at the very least.” Said Rafe. “He is running out of places to hide from us. Sooner or later, he will get what he deserves, and so will those half wit’s who are travelling with him.”
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Shadow Lucario
Lone Vanguard
Time for one hell of a review! First I will show you the corrections.
Most of the mistakes were a combination of what I mentioned above. With the comma thing, if you are going to say said you need a comma in the speech like what I have. If not then you can use a period.
For example:
"Those are nice shoes," said Sally. That needs a comma.
Sally said, "Those are nice shoes." That needs a comma after the said, but a period after the last word Sally is saying and before the quotation.
I also noticed you shifted tense a lot.
Besides that I liked it, even though we didn't get to see Damon -_- Don't think about the mistakes too much. You still have a good, unique story. You're probably just rusty from all your vacation
Looking forward to the next chapter
Until next time, I'm out
He does not need to be capitialized
Apostrophe in we're and she does not need to be capitialized
Entrance is misspelled
Comma needed instead of period and said is supposed to be lowercase
Spat needs a lowercase 'S'.
Most of the mistakes were a combination of what I mentioned above. With the comma thing, if you are going to say said you need a comma in the speech like what I have. If not then you can use a period.
For example:
"Those are nice shoes," said Sally. That needs a comma.
Sally said, "Those are nice shoes." That needs a comma after the said, but a period after the last word Sally is saying and before the quotation.
I also noticed you shifted tense a lot.
Here is an example. You went from past tense to present tense. Instead of "reveals" it should be "revealed". A lot of people get turned off by things like that.
I didn't know what you meant by this.
Besides that I liked it, even though we didn't get to see Damon -_- Don't think about the mistakes too much. You still have a good, unique story. You're probably just rusty from all your vacation
Looking forward to the next chapterUntil next time, I'm out
Air Dragon
Ha, ha... not.
Well... you've had quite the holiday, haven't you? Welcome back.
Numerous errors, although they were all caught by Shadow Lucario, so my work there is done.
Well, nearly. You seem to misfire your apostrophes. All too often. Just remember:
Steelix's = belonging to Steelix
Steelixs' = belonging to more than one Steelix
There were other scenarios where no apostrophe was used at all. Watch out in later chapters
I didn't see the Steelix being owned by Damon's pursuers coming. Not at all. And for Sebastian's 'death'... that caused some heavy OH NOEZ too...
Well, you have successfully kept us in suspense. Hopefully thing will clear up next chapter.
L@er!
Numerous errors, although they were all caught by Shadow Lucario, so my work there is done.
Well, nearly. You seem to misfire your apostrophes. All too often. Just remember:
Steelix's = belonging to Steelix
Steelixs' = belonging to more than one Steelix
There were other scenarios where no apostrophe was used at all. Watch out in later chapters
I didn't see the Steelix being owned by Damon's pursuers coming. Not at all. And for Sebastian's 'death'... that caused some heavy OH NOEZ too...
Well, you have successfully kept us in suspense. Hopefully thing will clear up next chapter.
L@er!
LinksOcarina
The true master
Thank you for the comments everyone.
And yeah, the commas, the past-present tense, etc. have always been my biggest weakness, even in my regular writings for school. (which I should be writing now, actually.)
I do need to edit this chapter when I get a chance, and hopefully, I can pump out the next couple of chapters as soon as possible.
I have the rest of part one (I split this whole story in parts now.) finished in the planning stage, so I just need to finish it off online.
So thank you, everyone, for being so faithful to the story. To be frank, you guys are part of the reason I keep going. I want to finish this story for you all too, now. So I hope you enjoy what is coming.
And yeah, the commas, the past-present tense, etc. have always been my biggest weakness, even in my regular writings for school. (which I should be writing now, actually.)
I do need to edit this chapter when I get a chance, and hopefully, I can pump out the next couple of chapters as soon as possible.
I have the rest of part one (I split this whole story in parts now.) finished in the planning stage, so I just need to finish it off online.
So thank you, everyone, for being so faithful to the story. To be frank, you guys are part of the reason I keep going. I want to finish this story for you all too, now. So I hope you enjoy what is coming.