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The Kanto Clones

Psychic Umbreon

Well-Known Member
This is my third attempt at a Pokemon story... Zerodius is helping me as co-author. C and C will be much appreciated.

Prologue: Archie (of Team Aqua) and Maxie (of Team Magma) witnessed the fight for the land between the beasts of the sea, Kyogre, and the land, Groudon. After years of despairing and wondering why they hadn’t been able to catch these legendary Pokemon, they moved to Kanto and asked Giovanni if they could use the laboratory on New Island to clone the caged Pokemon they’d brought with them. After receiving Giovanni’s permission, the two former rivals prepared themselves and started their experiments.

Years later, after their patience had worn thin… after genetically altering the Pokemons’ DNA, they had created an army of cloned Pokemon that Giovanni was impressed with. There was one thing above others, though, that he had such a strong desire to have, so he told Archie and Maxie to go and find Mewtwo. What Giovanni wanted was Mewtwo’s DNA so that he could clone the legendary again, but this time, the cloned clone would obey his commands and not disappear like Mewtwo had. (Note: The army of clones included a Rapidash with indigo flames, a Charizard with red stripes on its body, a purple and blue Swellow, a cream coloured Vulpix, even an Arcanine that had Suicune’s purple mane and a Suicune that had Regi-ice’s body temperature of -362 degrees Celsius).

So Archie and Maxie went on a search for Mewtwo… after looking for two and a half years, they hadn’t found the legendary, but they kept trying. Eventually, when it was exactly three years since they had started the search, they found Mewtwo in Johto. Upon seeing them, Mewtwo asked who they were… as soon as the legendary learned who had sent them, his rage grew. In the resulting scuffle, Maxie managed to grab some purple fur from Mewtwo’s tail; he nodded at Archie and the two ex-leaders escaped while there was still time. Mewtwo’s fury at being found continued to escalate and the legendary decided to leave Johto and take his fellow clones with him, as they started again in searching for a place to live in peace.

But as to whether Mewtwo and his fellow clones can find another place to live in peace will be revealed in this story’s sequel which will be called “A Legendary’s Life”.

Meanwhile, Archie and Maxie arrived back at New Island with four strands of Mewtwo’s tail fur and presented these to the scientists. The scientists immediately started the arduous task of re-cloning Mewtwo; the young version would take about three or four years to mature. Just as the scientists had begun work, Giovanni came and asked Archie and Maxie what they thought the new clone’s name should be. Archie told Giovanni the truth… he didn’t know, but then Maxie suggested that they call the new clone Mewthree… Maxie went as far as describing how Mewthree should look. “Mewthree should look similar to Mewtwo, but his personality would be much nicer, he would have five fingers on each paw-like hand and his tail will have split into two.” Giovanni seemed to like the description and commanded the scientists to make the necessary changes according to Maxie’s depiction.

Note: The maturing of Mewthree will take occur in “A Legendary’s Life” which takes place three years after “The Kanto Clones”. Events relating to Mewthree, such as his birth, will happen in “The Kanto Clones”.
 

Guitar dude bill

It's here, it's near
Well...

The concept and plot was interesting.

But it needs a lot more detail. Why was Maxie there? Who was Team Magma? Why did the army impress Giovanni? More detail and description please. Describe Mewtwo, Archie and Maxie looks like; that includes Giovanni.

Your characters don't seem to have much emotion in them. Were they happy? Sad? Excited? Describe their emotions to us, and show them in reaction and dialogue.

Overall: It's alright, but work on what I told you.
 
Heya. As per requested: a review!

One of the first things I noticed was a use of brackets. Hmm... they're alright, but I'd prefer that they were avoided. *shrug* I think I'm guilty of continually using brackets... so feel free to disregard this and please take no offence at my hypocracy. ><

Mossheart said:
Years later, after their patience had worn thin… after genetically altering the Pokemons’ DNA, they had created an army of cloned Pokemon that Giovanni was impressed with. There was one thing above others, though, that he had such a strong desire to have, so he told Archie and Maxie to go and find Mewtwo. What Giovanni wanted was Mewtwo’s DNA so that he could clone the legendary again, but this time, the cloned clone would obey his commands and not disappear like Mewtwo had. (Note: The army of clones included a Rapidash with indigo flames, a Charizard with red stripes on its body, a purple and blue Swellow, a cream coloured Vulpix, even an Arcanine that had Suicune’s purple mane and a Suicune that had Regi-ice’s body temperature of -362 degrees Celsius).

This paragraph irked me a little. I reckon your 'Note' should be gotten rid of and the information from it inserted into the first half of the paragraph - perhaps to explain why Giovanni was impressed? IMO, it doesn't fit at the end of this section - especially not after the Mewtwo bit - but could be smoothly used as a lead in to Giovanni's reaction.

In the resulting scuffle, Maxie managed to grab some purple fur from Mewtwo’s tail; he nodded at Archie and the two ex-leaders escaped while there was still time.

Now THIS would have been an exciting bit to stretch out and show in detail. Meh, can't have everything.

“Mewthree should look similar to Mewtwo, but his personality would be much nicer, he would have five fingers on each paw-like hand and his tail will have split into two.” Giovanni seemed to like the description and commanded the scientists to make the necessary changes according to Maxie’s depiction.

Mmm, as a matter of preference, 'his personality would be much nicer' sounds a little tame - especially coming from the ex-Leader of Magma. 'More passive', 'less dominant', 'less aggressive', 'tamer', etc, would work a bit better, IMO. And why would there be a need to make Mewthree physically different from Mewtwo? Wouldn't that just prolong the cloning process and make it more complicated and apt to go wrong?

Note: The maturing of Mewthree will take occur in “A Legendary’s Life” which takes place three years after “The Kanto Clones”. Events relating to Mewthree, such as his birth, will happen in “The Kanto Clones”.

Mmmm, I'm getting a lot of info about what 'A Legendary's Life' will be about... but not a lot about what 'The Kanto Clones' is gonna hold. Mebbe more about the story you're writing now and less about the one you're going to write?

Eh, overall, this is an often used idea, but I really get the feeling you're going to deal with it in new and original ways. The standard of writing here is very usable - just pump a little more emotion and description in. The way I see it, you've got the skills, ideas and perseverence to write a story... what are you waiting for? Go for it! ^^

Anyway, I know I've not commented very deeply here, but with a short prologue, I can't really tell what the style/approach is going to be. Sorry, but once you put up the first chapter, I'll have more to comment on. Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;
 

Zerodius

Eternally hating D/P
Let's see... you made a BIG mistake here which is to post a prologue without even discussing with me about the storyline.

I'll be blunt: This story has way too many plotholes in its current state and the characters act in a way that is... well... stupid.

Time for a MASSIVE rewritte of the prologue (which could have been MANY chapters by the way) I guess... but this shall be done later, after discussing with you about the storyline.
 

Demy

Well-Known Member
this story has a good furter but it will need a bit of work to it first.

When you rewrite it i will read it again and give anther opption
Demy
 
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