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The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

Hydrangea

Just a creature
Staff member
Moderator
Hello! I've never been one to post on this side of the forums, actually this is my first journey into this section since I was around thirteen. I'm rather new to fanfiction writing, especially that of the Pokemon variety. But I do hope that this may bring some enjoyment to some readers. This has been a project in the works since 2008, fully planned --- never written. I guess you could say it's a passion project.

Some small testimonials:
- It seems the fanfiction section no longer includes a rating system, but I would like to mention a few things about this fic. This fic will include death, violence, implied sexual content (nothing explicit), as well as a few other things. It's not exactly the happiest fanfiction. It's not the kind of story where there is going to be a happy ending, so if you're in the market for that --- I apologize.

Just names for now, this will be expanded as this goes on.

Vantas Faron (Pikachu/14/Deceased)
Lightning Faron (Vulpix/17/Alive)
Eclipse Faron (Ninetales/61/Alive)
Endo Faron (Raichu/52/Deceased)
Alternia Faron (Pikachu/19/Deceased)
Kay Faron (Pikachu/12/Alive)
??? (Eevee/14/Alive)

Index
Chapter 1 - The Leaving Song​


[ I - The Leaving Song ]

Decay.

The scent follows, it clings to everything on her body. She can feel her heart fluttering, her jaw begins to clench itself up, and she can feel the tears forming in the edges of her eyes already. She looks at the body of her brother, tossed into their house by their father. His eyes are dim, pained with seeing another one of his children dead. The body is thin, obviously malnourished --- they’re all like that at this point, their fur strained against their small frames. She’s the youngest of four, or she was the youngest of four; now only two remain.

“I’m done.” A voice echoed from the back of the room. Her mother looked up, her eyes puffy from crying. Her father turned, his hands covered in the dark matted blood that was on his son’s body. “I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of seeing my family die!” The young Vulpix blurted out from the back of the room, her brown eyes flaring with anger as she spoke. “I’m leaving. I can’t deal with this anymore.” The Vulpix turned, ready to go.

“Light, wait!” She spoke up, watching her elder sister ready to go, leaving her impoverished family behind.

“Kay. You let her leave. If she wants to abandon the family, that’s her business.” Her father’s gruff voice made her cringe backwards, she tucked her head down towards her chest, her tail lowering towards the floor. Lightning gave an incredulous look, shocked at her father’s quick tongue.

“God, do you even hear yourself?” She asked, glaring at her father. “Two of your four children are dead. There’s no food here, Endo! The rest of us are going to die like Vantas and Alternia did, unless we get food.” She bared her teeth at her father, she was the only Vulpix of the four children. She was the only one that had taken after her mother, and it showed in her ferocity. “If I leave, there will be more food for Kay. She’s young! For Arceus’ sake, she’s only twelve. Do you really want to see her die in the same way?” Her words were venomous to her father’s ears, the elder Raichu’s eyes clouded over with disbelief.

“Vantas didn’t starve, Lightning.” Was all he said to defend himself, causing his daughter to laugh in his face.

“No of course not, how could I forget. That was just Alternia. Vantas died trying to get us food, dad! It’s the same thing. We’re so poor and hungry that he stooped to stealing, and look where that got him!” She gestured to the body of her younger brother, herself being the second oldest after the late Alternia. “I need to leave.” Her anger had subsided, leaving only a pained look in her big brown eyes. “I need to leave so you all can live. It’s the only way dad.” She sighed, there was a pleading to her voice. She didn’t intend to just leave, she wanted his blessing before she left. Endo looked down at the floor, his son’s mangled body lay at his feet. The once soft yellow fur was matted, coarse from the poor nutrition he was receiving. He looked at his two remaining children. Both girls were thin, Kay’s eyes had begun to grow sunken into her head from not being able to eat properly. Lightning’s tails were spiked in all directions, her fur unkempt from lack of energy.

“Go.” Was the only thing he could muster. He clutched his daughter’s paws in his own, looking at her with dejected and sad eyes. “Please.” He muttered, looking down to meet her face. “Please come back alive.” He fought back the tears that he could feel blooming in his eyes. His daughter gave a small nod, turning towards the door and leaving.

That was the last time they saw Lighting. A month after she left Kay’s father finally succumbed to starvation, leaving only Kay and her mother. Her mother had grown frail as well, her illness finally beginning to take over. She had never been healthy, and her husband’s death had taken her by force. She slept most of the day, refusing to eat, refusing to speak to her daughter. It was Kay’s turn to leave, she was young; far younger than Lightning. However, she could not bare to watch her mother die the same way that her father had. She knew it was coming, and as selfish as it made her sound, she did not want to be around when it finally happened.

The Pikachu left quietly, she snuck out of her bedroom window in the dead of night. It wasn’t hard, it wasn’t like her frail mother had the greatest hearing at this point in her life. She crawled, belly to the earth for what felt like an eternity. She didn’t want to get caught, she knew the police wandered the streets in this part of town. Too many crimes, too many runaways. She didn’t want to be caught and dragged back home just to relive all the memories that she was so desperately trying to bury deep within herself.

Her thin stomach was tickled by the long grass that surrounded the main square, no one was ever out around this time. The sun hadn’t even begun to rear it’s rays, the darkness of the twilight lapped at the edges of her vision. Her mouth was dry, she hadn’t had anything to drink in a few days --- or, maybe a week? She wasn’t sure. Days meant nothing when you were unable to feel warmth in your stomach. Actually, it couldn’t have been a week, she was sure that she would be dead if it had been that long. Her paws grabbed the grass, if she could actually stomach this green garbage it would be her meal for the day. She was desperate, but not quite that desperate.

She finally reached the edge of the square, her eyes darted back and forth, ensuring that no one was around. She stood up, dusting the dirt off her stomach. She approached the road, her pawsteps echoed loudly against the stone pathway. She followed it, her pace sluggish due to lack of energy. She made her way to the post office, she rarely saw this part of town due her family being from the other end. Lower Square, as the locals called it. It’s where the dirty poor Pokemon lived, or so she had heard from rumors. That’s what Alternia used to say, when she was alive. As she approached the post office, she saw another figure. She froze, who would actually be here at this time of night?

“I need help. My friend is stuck.” Kay heard the voice speak, the figure was standing in front of the help board --- reading the postings aloud. Kay took a few steps forward, although her vision was blurred from lack of substance, she could make out the brown fur and large ears. The voice was feminine, leading Kay to believe that it was a woman. As Kay slowly got closer, she accidentally kicked a stone, causing a loud scraping sound as the rock brushed against the pathway. The figure turned, Kay was now a few feet away from a young Eevee. She looked a little older than Kay, and she was striking. Large blue orbs making her eyes a strong contrast from the usual earthen tone known to most of her species, she had a nervous look on her face as she looked at the Pikachu.

“Oh my god.” The Eevee spoke up. “Are you okay?” She was looking Kay up and down, eyeing her small frame and her wobbling legs. She took a few steps forward, knowing that there was finally a Pokemon directly in front of her that truly and desperately needed help. Kay shook, she was terrified that this Eevee was going to alert someone that she was away from home.

“Please…” Kay forced out, looking at the Eevee that was coming towards her. She could feel her legs beginning to shake, the crawl here had taken far too much of her energy. Her chest heaved with exhaustion, her ribs poking out from her sides. The Eevee’s ears perked up, rushing to Kay’s side as she began to collapse.

“H-hey! Stay with me here!” Shouted the Eevee, bracing her body against Kay’s as she fell. The Eevee looked around, not knowing what to do. Kay’s eyes fluttered shut, causing the world around her to slowly go black. The Eevee’s heartbeat raced, trying to figure out what to do. There was no one around, no way to get help quickly. All she could do was scream.

“Somebody! Please, anybody! I need some help!” She called out, echoing her voice with blasts of Hyper Voice. She prayed someone would hear her soon, or it may be too late for her new companion.
 
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TikTok13

Oh, I have a title?
Hey, Hydrangea, happy to see you in this neck of the woods! This sounds like the kind of thing I'm going to be interested in; there's already a dark tone, but there's a sort of nonchalance in the way it's written, as if deaths happen all the time.

Our Pikachu protagonist, while being a Pokémon I despise, seems to be one with an admirable personality, but I don't think that there was much personality development included in this chapter. I do wish that Lightning gets a bit more spotlight; an obviously established character not afraid to do what needs to be done, but I doubt there will a reappearance.

This setting seems intriguing though, and I can see that there is obviously a societal divide between the rich and the poor. This makes me wonder where the Eevee stands in all this, and what kind of character she'll be.

A great start to a fic with plenty of potential. I'll be keeping a look out for more of you in the future. Excited to see more - keep at it!
 

Ambyssin

Winter can't come soon enough
Hiya! Don't worry, we've got plenty of folks writing more somber stories, here. You should feel right at home. Is that really a good thing to say out loud? Doesn't seem like it...

The opening is very interesting, especially since you're drawing on senses other than sight to get the reader acclimated. I don't think I've read too many works of fiction that start with smell. I was caught a bit off-guard by the sudden tense change after the first paragraph though. Why is the opening in the present tense, when everything else shifted to past tense?

Otherwise, it's certainly a very grim opening that we're thrust into, here. It looked like you were painting the dad up to be rather vile, just from the way it opened. But as his argument with Lightning unfolded, that didn't really end up being the case. I'm curious if she'll factor into the story at all beyond this opening; I'm assuming yes because otherwise I'd be a bit confused as to why we were shown this. Considering a lot of the chapter is focused on Kay's departure and the hunger-induced exhaustion coming with it, I don't have much of an opinion of her yet. The language you use makes me think she (and her family) are victims of circumstance and that that could end up boiling over into what'll happen now that she's left home (like, with the Eevee for example). At the same time, I can't quite put my finger on what sort of world you're crafting up here. Like, it's a world of Pokémon, I got that much. And it has houses and buildings like a post office. But the town is grass-and-dirt and so-far seems to be very "low tech." So, I'm curious to see what direction that will end up going in.

One thing struck me as off, in particular:
She had never been healthy, and her husband’s death had taken her by force.
I'm not really sure what you mean in this sentence. I don't think "taken her by force" is the right choice of words if you're trying to say that it took a great emotional toll on her.

Also, I should make you aware of dialogue cues. Others don't hesitate to point this out, so I thought I'd try and let you know about this early.

“I’m done.” A voice echoed from the back of the room.
Dialogue atributions should not be separate sentences. Rather, the dialogue should end in a comma, and the attribution should start in lower case (unless of course you're referring to the speaker by their name). So, in this case, it would read:

"I'm done," a voice echoed from the back of the room.

This also applies to dialogue lines that end in exclamation points or question marks, like this one here:
“Light, wait!” She spoke up, watching her elder sister ready to go,
You would still start with "she spoke up..." because you're not starting a new sentence, you're attributing the dialogue to a character, if that makes sense.

“I’m leaving. I can’t deal with this anymore.” The Vulpix turned, ready to go.
You did get this right, though. If you're following the dialogue with a character doing something, then you end it on a period and capitalize. Trust me, I made the exact same mistakes in my first several chapters (and have gotten lectured on it plenty); it's perfectly fixable going forward. And it doesn't detract from the chapter for me personally, but I know some readers are huge sticklers for writing mechanics, so I wanted to get the jump on them.

That's it for me. I've got quite a few questions, but I'm going to wait and see if they end up answered.
 

Chibi Pika

Stay positive
Now that was quite the dark opening! It looks like this is taking place in a PMD-sort of world, as we've got Pokemon living in towns with buildings and such. But it's a far cry from the idyllic society in most PMD-verses, with stark class inequality and what almost seems like a totalitarian rule? But there are still some familiar things like the bulletin board for rescue teams. I'm wondering if only rich Pokemon can afford to buy the guild's services? In any case, it seems like the Eevee is sympathetic, and can hopefully help Kay get on her feet again.

Not much else to say, as this is a pretty short opening. You've got an interesting premise, so I'm curious to see where this leads!

~Chibi~;249;;448;
 
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