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~~~ The legend of Ho oh ~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter One - Part One
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twenty Years ago

Huge bolts of lighting cascaded down from the black clouds. Beats of tunder followed. No one was worried however. There were always storms at sea. The citizens of Cinnabar were more worried about getting home before it started to rain more than anything else. They walked nervously staring at sky, hoping that the evil looking clouds could wait just a bit longer before squeezing themselves dry, causing a pelt of tropical rain to soak anyone who was still outside.

The clouds however seemed merciless as the inebitable burst of rain poured out of it. A woman screamed joyfully, half laughing, half crying, her hair soaked and stinking of chlorine. She hit her boyfriend playfully on the shoulder and the two ran for the nearest shelter, a nearby bakery.

The bakery was packed with people trying to get out of the rain, causing a cramped, wet hair smell to waft through the room, clashing with the fresh scent given off by the various cakes and bread in there. A baker emerged from the back of his shop, puzzled to why it had become so popular. He saw the rain and nodded knowingly, while the pedestrians smiled nervously at him, hoping that he wouldn't throw them out. Instead he smiled understandingly and pressed a large button on the TV on his counter.

It instantly flickered to life, where a woman holding a large pink umbrella stood in the midst of the storm. "We bring you this story from Cinnabar Island," she began informatively. "It appears that a large tropical storm had hit the Island causing a downpour of rain. We urge you no..."

There was an almighty crash of lightning, and the television screen became crowded with black and white dots. The baker reached for his remote, and tried to change the channel, but none of them worked. The cable was down. "Must 'ave been hit by lightnin'," he muttered angrily, tossing the remote to one side. "Never mind, ay?" he said optimistically to the crowd, but to know avail. Slight hints of panic and worry were beginning to creep into the room. There was a stiff, tense atmosphere. Never before had Cinnabar Island faced a storm like this.

-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter One - Part Two
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose sighed as she gazed boredly out of her bedroom window. She watched the rain beating vigorously off her bedroom window as she tried to think of a way to entertain herself. She picked up an old Pokedoll, a Clefairy, its ears chewed off and one of its eyes missing. "I wish we could go outside," she said to it sadly. She tossed her old doll across to the other side of the room where it landed on her bed. She sighed. "It'll take forever for the storm to blow over," she muttered. She sighed and walked away from the window and threw herself on the bed. She stretched out her arms and yawned, then decively, she stood up. "You know what," she said to herself. "Sod it. I'm going outside anyway." She reached for her wellingtons and put them forcefully on her feet, and then she took her bright yellow anorak and put it on."

She walked out of her bedroom, slamming her door behind her and mde her way down the stairs. Her mother and father had gone to town to do some quick shopping before the storm had broken out, and they wouldn't be able to return untill the storm had stopped. Rose opened the large front door of her house and stepped outside behind her. As she was about to put in on the catch, a gust of wind caught teh door making it slam shut. Swearing under her breath Rose tried to open the door, pulling on its handle, but to no avail.

Reduced to tears in the falling rain, Rose sat on her doorstep sobbing. Her parents would be angry when they got back, if they discovered her outside, that she knew. And furthermore she had to sit out in the cold rain until they got back, shivering, dreading a nearby clash of lightining. Rose's house stood at the foot of Mount Cinnabar, the long extinct volcano. Its large shadow sheltered the house from wind coming from the sea, but not even the volcano could stop the storm.

BANG! A nearby bolt of lightning made Rose jump. It had hit the volcano. Rose stared up at it, a look of awe displayed across her young face. Out of the volcano rose a phoenix, its bright red tail feathers glowing. It screeched terribly and soared off across the night sky. But following the phooenix came a burst of lava. The guardian of the volcano had awoken. It had left its spot. Rose had nowhere to run.
 
Last edited:

Lily

you were the one.
Interesting start, although I would've preferred it if the chapter was a tad bit longer. For a second, I was under the assumption the first part was actually the prologue. XP

Anyway, you had no problems with descriptions as far as I can tell, except for a few awkward word choices. 'inebitable' -> 'inevitable.' 'Wet hair smell' -> 'scent of wet hair.' That part made me..cringe, somewhat. x.x So I liked the descriptions...

Second part had some typos and weird-sounding phrases. Revising would be a benefit. I like the cliffhanger you gave it...I only wish you could've described the phoenix and the lava more, and Rose's fearful emotion at the time, as that would've helped with the brief atmosphere.

Other than the shortness, I like the plot you gave it. First part definitely captivated me, as I have not read a Cinnabar Island related fanfiction in so long. Second art was also alright...just work on making it a bit longer, or rather, combine the two.

Nice job. ;3



;172;
 
Last edited:

whiteabsol

.:Daisy Dancing:.
Beats of tunder followed
You spelled thunder wrong.

As she was about to put in on the catch, a gust of wind caught teh door making it slam shut.

You spelled the wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter One - Part Two
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rose sighed as she gazed boredly out of her bedroom window. She watched the rain beating vigorously off her bedroom window as she tried to think of a way to entertain herself. She picked up an old Pokedoll, a Clefairy, its ears chewed off and one of its eyes missing. "I wish we could go outside," she said to it sadly. She tossed her old doll across to the other side of the room where it landed on her bed. She sighed. "It'll take forever for the storm to blow over," she muttered. She sighed and walked away from the window and threw herself on the bed. She stretched out her arms and yawned, then decively, she stood up. "You know what," she said to herself. "Sod it. I'm going outside anyway." She reached for her wellingtons and put them forcefully on her feet, and then she took her bright yellow anorak and put it on."

That Chapter one: part two thing isn't really needed. Just reaplce it with these :~~~~~~~~~ or something else.

You failed to describe the Rose and the woman, and desription is nessiccary to a good fic.

You also don't need those quotation marks at the end of the paragraph.

But, this sounds like an interesting fic ^_^

~W.A~
 
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