The Legend Of Lugia

[~*Mudkip Fantastic*~]

This is the first part of my story of a pokemon trainer from Goldenrod who ends up with a group of friends and captures all the legendary pokemon.;249;

Proluge

The huge great beast flapped it's huge wings and shot up, up higher than the brave little Jumpluff could comprehend, spinning all the while. Then it stopped and stared down at the frightened little creature. Lugia breathed in deep, and crashed it's wings together creating a huge sonic boom, then he moved his wings appart, and screeched. A giant gust af air hurtled through the vacum created by the sonic boom. It made no sound. The next day a kid was walking towards the place and he found a small, sphere like skeleton. It was Jumpluff and from that day forth Alex decided to take revenge on that poor creature and caputer the Lugia that did this.

Well what do you think? I am new to this so go easy. PLEASE!!!
(How did he know Lugia did this? Well he could se from the fact that all its skin had been blown off by what looked like an areoblast.)

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Too short, it has to be at least a page on MS word to stay open. But seeing as that was a prologue it won't get closed, but just remember to do that in chapter 1 or it will get a closure. But even then it's short. Type on MS word then copy and paste it into the post box. Don't worry. Alot of newbies make that mistake.
Little description, the only thing you described was lugia, that was described quite well. But more description is needed. Where is lugia flying? What does a Jumpluff look like? You need to work on your description a bit.
At the end. That legendary bit at the end was bad.
1) You have totally spoilt both the end and the characters for us.
2) THAT many legendaries is OTT. I would change that. Any legendaries is alot. But shinys and look at Alex. It's better off having no legendaries at all unless they have a good reason.
You spelt a few things wrong like 'caputer' and 'cypher'. It's capture and cipher. So overall I'd say this isn't bad but it isn't good either. I'm sure you can improve.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Whoo.. you've certainly got some big things in store for this trainer. Actually, I'd advise toning the success down a bit. People rarely like to read about 'perfect' trainers whose journey goes flawlessly and end up with such a team of 00bers. Believe it or not, readers often get bored reading such stories because the attention is fixed solely on the Legendary pokemon in question.

The Legendaries are considered the 'ultimate' pokemon - beasts of enormous strength. Their very uncatchability is part of what adds to their 'special-ness'. If you go around handing them out to the average trainer, readers tend to get sceptical. Unfortunately, this is often part of a catch 22, since if an uber trainer gets a Legendary, people lost interest because they simply can't relate to such a powerful person. If there's no connection between the reader and the characters, the story remains dull and deadened. Once a connection is formed, the characters seem to come to life in the readers' eyes. They become 'real' people with vivid personalities and similar hopes and feelings. And it's THIS that really makes a story great to read.

Evidently, you've got a connection with the character - it's your character. It's natural to feel attached. But your readers won't have this. To them, Alex is just another name with the names of Legendaries attached - there's no interest in it for them.

My advice? Cut the Legendaries. For now at least. Remember, you can pack just as much thrill into a character capturing a common pokemon as you can pack into a character capturing a Legendary. Leave the Legendaries be - people have their own preconceptions of how such a strong beast should be and act - if you interfere with those notions, you interfere with the connection between the reader and the story.

Try picking a common pokemon - ones where there can be great variation between the individuals. Wurmple for example. There's plenty of those. You can give it whatever behaviour traits and personality you choose because you're talking about THAT Wurmple. When you pick 'one of a kind' pokemon, people get edgy and may feel that you've gone about constructing that pokemon character the 'wrong' way.

And now to technical errors - first and foremost, your actual chapters have to be MUCH longer than this to meet the Rule requirements. I think you're allowed to have a short prologue, but the chapters themselves have to be at least a page in Word.

Also, if you value your readership, DON'T use smilies. Smilies are for people who aren't over the novelty of animated wriggly colours, not authors. And especially, don't use them in place of writing out the character's pokemon! It just shows a lack of effort and readers think poorly of a story where even the author hasn't put in the energy to make it professional.

And just a preference - I really don't think you should tell what's going to happen in your story in one sentence at the start. It takes all the surprise away. I mean, if you were going to just say that and then rely on your writing skills to make the fic interesting, I suppose it would be alright. But I'd strongly advise you just to leave things for the reader to discover as they go along.

That's about it. Good luck and have fun! (And I'm sorry if this review upset you in anyway. I'm really trying to help. PM me if you have any questions or when you put the next chapter up!)

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Gavin Luper]

It's an interesting premise for your story: a boy who attempts (and eventually succeeds) in capturing a lot of Legendaries. It will definitely be interesting to see how he goes about this - will he struggle on his path to success? Or will it be a cinch for him? The possibilities for you, the writer, are endless. Of course, the notion of having most of the Legendaries might seem unrealistic, but let's face it - it's pokémon, it's all unrealistic. So I say, go for it. See where this story takes you. Everyone has to start somewhere, and this seems as good a place as anywhere to begin.

Obviously, the prologue isn't that great - you could definitely work on length (though as a reader I'm not fussed with length) and description and character development. I'm curious as to what Alex looks like, where he comes from, what his history is? Maybe you could provide the reader with details and depth like this in the next chapter?

Until next time,

Gavin.