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The Legend of Raichu

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H

HetaOni

Chesaught
The Legend of Raichu



Chapter 1: Hurricane Irene

"Cameron...Cameron...CAMERON WAKE UP!"

"Huh?What?" Cameron said lazily.

Cameron is raichu with red violet glasses.She had just been through hurricane Irene.Her family tried to evacuate Jackson,New Jersey,but had already been too late.Her sister,a totodile named Kayla had been trying to wake her up after being in a coma.

"Were am I!WHAT HAPPENED!"Cameron said frantically

"RELAX,we're just in philadelphia!"Kayla said

"Philadelphia!?"Cameron seemed suprised

In this world there are no humans.This world is exactly like our's except only pokemon live here.

"Remember Irene?"Kayla said

"OF COURSE!How could I forget?"Cameron said

Irene happened,but why was Cameron in a COMA?What exactally happened during Irene?All will be revealed in:

The Legend of Raichu

pm me if you updates on the legend of raichu(my first fan fic :3)
 
P

Phoopes

There it is.
This really isn't a chapter... It's way too short. In the fan fic rules, it says that the chapter has to be at least two pages in Microsoft Word. This is less than one.

However, if you make your chapters longer and do it correctly, this could be a good fic. I like your use of current events in the making of this fic. Just a word of advice for ya. Good luck in your writing!
 
bobandbill

bobandbill

Winning Smile
Staff member
Super Mod
As said, chapters need to be at least two pages long as per the Fan Fiction rules. Exceptions sometimes apply only to prologues but as this is a chapter...Try expanding on what you have with description and so forth - say rather than telling us outright that 'there are now humans in this world', show this in the story or expand on that.

Also be sure to proofread, as for instance:
"RELAX,we're just in philadelphia!"Kayla said

"Philadelphia!?"Cameron seemed suprised
Click to expand...
Should be a space between the ending quotation marks and the word that follows as well as after the comma, Philidelphia should be capitalised as it is a place (proper noun), surprised rather than suprised, and full stops should be at the end of those sentences too. Those are simple mistakes that a spell and grammar checker would easily pick up on, so be sure to use thee like of those (if you don't have Word which has a built-in one, try Openoffice [free to download], Google Docs [free to use] or an online checker.

'Cameron seemed surprised' is also somewhat telling us - try to describe and hence show us that he's surprised without directly telling us the fact he's surprised. It'll help to extend your story further and make for more interesting reading. For instance:
"RELAX, we're just in Philadelphia!" Kayla said.

"Philadelphia!?" Cameron shouted as he sprang to his feet and stared at Kayla.
Click to expand...

That'll be something for you to keep in mind. But as it's too short and doesn't seem to have the basic spell/grammar check applied to it either, closed.
 
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