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The Legend of the Chosen One.

chosen_one386

Angel of Chaos
I am very new here people, so work with me, as I may make some mistakes. Please correct them (nice like)! Anyway, this chapter is really short, so enjoy!


Chapter 1! (Creatively called, The Legend of the Chosen One!)

A legend wrote long ago,
As deep as the winter snow,
The powers of the land and sea,
Fought a war, the reason being,
Started by the Shadow,
Ended by the One,
Once again, this war has begun.

The Chosen One's power inside the Crystal Orb,
The powers of the land and sea are warned,
In the Great War, the end of the human race,
The Aquapolians, a challenge they must face,
In the Great War, the Shadow will reign,
The blinding sun through the powering rain,

Your journey has just begun,
The challenges you must face,
Prepare, O Chosen One,
For you must save the human race.


I know it's short and deep, but I'm a very deep person!
;249-d; PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!
 

RaZoR LeAf

Night Terror
That's not a chapter. It's the summery on the back of the book that tells you what the inside is about. At the very least that should lead into the actual chapter itself, as a precursor to the real events.
 

chosen_one386

Angel of Chaos
Razor Leaf, I was soooo exited when I got my first review and I'm glad you stated that! I should have put it as the prologue, but in some books that I have read, the author puts a poem or such like the one I have here in a chapter all by itself. But, I should have put this as the prologue! I'm new, so I'll remember this later! In the meantime, I'll start writing the REAL start of the fic, but I'll go ahead and name it Chapter 2. Thanks!
 

chosen_one386

Angel of Chaos
I have only gotten 1 review, so I'm am going to go ahead and write the 2nd chapter (although it should be the first).



Chapter 2:The Great War.

It was a cold, rainy day outside of the Cave of Origin. A girl was standing by a large column in front of the temple's entrance. She shivered and wandered when the people she was waiting for.

This was Kristal Reeves (her friends call her Kris), a top Elite 4 member and a Pokemon trainer. Her Pikachu sat on her shoulders, cold and wet.

"Ugh, when will they get here?" she muttered, flinging back a piece of golden blond hair out of her face. Kris was very pretty, with eyes the color of Aquapolian crystal (the most precious gem on earth which glows in a beautiful shade of blue) and hair as golden as the sun, she could have any boy in Southern Japan as a boyfriend. But, their was a reason why she was so beautiful.

Kris was an angel. A REAL angel. An angel-from-heaven angel.

Of course, she had a boyfriend. He was clumsy at times, but he was very sweet and they had grown up together in Pallet Town. Even raised their Pikachu together and had traveled together for many years.

A boy with black hair and a Pikachu on his shoulders as well appeared through the rain. Kris smiled, this was her boyfriend.

"Ash! Finally, I was wandering if anyone from the legendary team were going to show up!" The legendary team was made up of Aquapolians (half- human, half- Pokemon) who wanted to stop the Shadow and save the human race. Kris was the head, since she was the Chosen One.

"Well, I did see Team Aqua's sub speed by on the way here, so Archie should be here soon," Ash replied. Archie and Kris were enimies for many years until he finally agreed to help her stop the Shadow forces.

"Good! I..." Kris and Ash looked up as a man with red hair and a Mightyena running beside him sped up to the two teens. Kris had to step on Ash's foot hard to stop him from making a comment. The man finally spotted them and half smiled, half cringed.

"Sorry I'm late. Had a couple of problems at the base." he said. Kris knew he didn't like the rain since he was a fire- type. She stepped on Ash's foot even harder before he could comment further.

"That's Ok, Ash and I are the only ones that were here before you. Ash did say he saw Team Aqua's sub, though. Right Ash?" she asked.

Ash nodded, afraid to open his mouth. Kris was glad that he didn't say anything for once, but even after they joined up with Team Aqua and Magma, he still didn't trust the two leaders. Especially not Maxie.

Kris had been mortal enimies with Maxie for years, but tossed everything aside as the Great War began.

Now, everything was different from before.

Now, the world was in choas.

Now, the Shadow reigned.





Please review!!!!!!!!
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
Needs more description and length. Instead of "Ash had black hair" how about "Ash had messy, short black hair that stuck out in various different directions."

If you don't elaborate on the description, people will get confused and misunderstand what you're talking about. Plus, readers love a long chapter.
 

chosen_one386

Angel of Chaos
Thanks for the reviews. You see, when I usually write stories for my friends, they tell me I elaborate too much. I'm new to posting and I don't have much time to write new posts, so I tend to leave stuff out. I'll make the next chapter longer and more descriptive. Once again, thanks for the reviews!
 

chosen_one386

Angel of Chaos
Thanks for the reviews! (Although I've only had two). I've had 50 views so far,though. Please review when you read! (Not all 50 of you, though!!!!!!) Anyway, here's the 3rd chapter! (Yes, it IS longer!)


Chapter 3:The Legendary Team

After a while (Kris, Ash, and Maxie shivering in the rain), two girls came bolting toward the temple. One, adout 14, had orange hair in a ponytail and wore yellow shorts and a top. The other, a little bit younger than the orange- haired one, had brown hair that came down in two ponytails on the sides with a red bandanna on top. She wore a red shirt and a white skirt and looked completely miserable in the rain. These two girls were Misty (orange- hair) and May (brown- hair). Kris and Ash had known both for a long time.

"Sorry we're late!" Misty said, hardly shivering in the rain at all, being a water- type. "I got caught up at the gym!" Misty was the Cerulean Gym leader.

May didn't like the rain as much as Misty did. She had the same expression on her face as Maxie had. She was also a fire- type, but she was the only co-ordinator in the group. "I was training for my next contest with Max!"

Right on cue, a boy about 8 years old bolted out of the rain. He had dark blue hair and wore glasses. As he skid along a rain puddle, it turned to ice. This was Max, May's little brother. He was an ice-type and knew almost everything you would need to know adout Pokemon. He enjoyed these cold winter days just as much as Misty.

"Where have you been?!" May yelled at him.

"Getting here! You left me on the outskirts of Ever Grande! Shesh May, you were running like the Shadow itself were after you!" he replied and got a swift punch on the shoulder that told him to shut up.

A couple of minutes later, two more figures appeared out of the rain. A tall boy, about 16, with brown hair that stuck up in spikes and a younger boy with white hair. The boy with white hair had a Plusle and Minun purched on his shoulders. The older boy was Brock, a breeder, leader of the Pewter Gym, and a rock- type. The younger was Tory, a boy from Larousse city and a psychic- type.

"Hey!" Tory waved as they made it to the others. Tory had been afraid of Pokemon for years until a freak attack from Deoxys caused him to become more confident and brave.

Just four more people to go, Kris thought as she counted the already gathered members. The rain had stopped, a blessing, and the sun was out.

The temple overlooked the coast and Kris stared out at the waves, lost in thought. Suddenly, she spotted a speeding boat near the shore.... or on the shore for that matter...

A girl with blond hair with lighter highlights in it and wearing a miniskirt (it was the middle of winter) got out and yelled at the driver of the boat, a man with a blue bandanna on his head that had an "A" on the front. Archie!

"Next time, I'm flying!" the blond- haired girl yelled. Another girl, this one with bright red abd dressed more appropriatly, climbed out of the boat and said, "Taylor, you are a fighting- type!"

"Exactly Sarah!" These two were two of Kris' friends from Ever Grande. Sarah, the red- haired girl, was an elite co-ordinator and a grass- type. Taylor, the blond, was a skilled trainer who had been invited to join both Team Magma and Aqua, So Kris invited her to join the legendary team instead. Oh, and I'm sure you know who Archie is! (Leader of Team Aqua)

The last member of the team stepped out of the boat, her raven black hair picked up in a breeze. This was Shia, Kris' only living relative.

Oh yeah, she's also a demon.

Anyway, we all assembled around and Kris called order. (With 11 members, she had to).

"Ok, now first item of business, the Shadow Pokemon! We've successfully purified all of the Shadow Pokemon (except Lugia) that the Cipher have made! Now, we need to turn our attention to a different matter, stopping the Shadow Forces!" Kris yelled.

"We've been doing that already!" Taylor said.

"But we need to cover every aspect of the Forces! Come New Year's, the War will become much worse!"

Everybody murmered as Kris watched on in silent grief. Greif for the human race. Greif for her lost family.

Greif for the world.



Please review! I'd also like to say, I based Sarah and Taylor on two of my best friends. Thanks guys! Couldn't do it without you!!!!!!
 

blackemerald

Well-Known Member
Personaly, I though that "chapter" was more like a poem. Although it could also double as a blurb. You did not describe much in any of the chapters, thinking that everyone should know what everything looks like. Imaging that we don't know a thing about pokemon so you must tell us what everything looks like. Your chapters are also too short.

She shivered and wandered when the people she was waiting for.

Shouldn't it be when the people she was waiting for would arrive?


But, their was a reason why she was so beautiful.

There instead of their. Wrong type.


Even raised their Pikachu together and had traveled together for many years.

You keep missing out words. Put 'They had' at the beginning of the sentence.


Archie and Kris were enimies for many years until he finally agreed to help her stop the Shadow forces.

Enemies, not enimies. Take out the i.


One, adout 14, had orange hair in a ponytail and wore yellow shorts and a top.

About, not adout.


This was Max, May's little brother. He was an ice-type and knew almost everything you would need to know adout Pokemon.

See above.


As he skid along a rain puddle, it turned to ice. This was Max, May's little brother.

Max is doing something. Therefore put ed at the end of skid.


"Next time, I'm flying!" the blond- haired girl yelled. Another girl, this one with bright red abd dressed more appropriatly, climbed out of the boat and said, "Taylor, you are a fighting- type!"

Would your care to explain what a abd is?


Anyway, we all assembled around and Kris called order. (With 11 members, she had to).

You have just switched from third to first person in this sentence. Confusing.

You let tiny mistake slip by in your writing, so my final bit of advice to you is this. Proofread, proofread, proofread.
 

chosen_one386

Angel of Chaos
Thanks for the replies! I really need to proofread, though I don't know what's gotten into me! I have the best English and grammer average in my grade at school! I must be typing too fast and not going back to read what I've written! I'll proofread from now on! Chapter 4 up soon! Promise it will be better! Thanks for the corrections! I can always learn from mistakes!
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
Aye, you should beef up the paragraphs and add as much description as you can. (It looks...better.) There's no such thing as elaborating too much and if you've seen the pro works around here, perhaps you could follow an example like that. Keep on the lookout for words!

EDIT: Make the chapters longer. They're too short.
 
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