Chibi Pika
Stay positive
Hello yes it is me, finally showing up to reply to reviews in my thread. I'm sorry to make you all wait!
@Marika_CZ:

@Starlight Aurate:
@Sike Saner:
@Negrek:
Hm.
I mean, on the one hand, I do really love summary sentences, especially since it lets me make the narration more conversational, (which I'm constantly trying to do with 1st person.) Buuuuut, I can see how this one might not be needed, yes. So you've at least gotten me to more carefully consider the value of each one in the future, even if I won't be trying to get rid of all of them. ;P
...at least her character arc is 100% different, and that was the first thing I created for her. :V
Also I seem to have oversold people on her wanting to get stronger when it's not that at all. :T She wants to go on adventures.There will most certainly be many fun and exciting adventures in her future.
Again, thanks so much for the reviews everyone! And now, a status update. Some of you might know that I wrote Book 2 for NaNoWriMo! Specifically, my goal was to finish scripting the first half of Book 2, or everything up to Chapter 45. While I ran into some snags with the Hoenn arc, everything's looking pretty solid so far! I which I hadn't burned myself out for December/January though. It's completely unacceptable that I let Chapter 32 take this long, and only because I was bored with it and didn't want to write it. ><
But it's finally done and should be posted later tonight! And I've started a new method of making myself commit to writing at least 200 words a day, so we'll see where that takes me.
~Chibi~
@Marika_CZ:
Well compared to how long it took me to reply to it, I’d say you did just fine! xDSeriously, apologies for taking so long to get to this. RL stuff and all that :/
Ahahaha, criticism for obsessing over it is definitely warranted! But luckily this will be the final revision. I actually know what I’m doing this time.Revision 11? Oh my Arceus...! Chibi do I commend you for hard work and dedication, or do I criticize obsessing over this story too much
jk, it is totally up to you. I was genuinely surprised you edited it that many times on such a scale tho.
You know, this actually made me realize that perhaps they shouldn’t use that term, or at least some of the more formal ones shouldn’t. It was something I’d been waffling on for a while.I was a bit surprised legandaries (or at least Lugia) refer to themselves as "legendaries" (since that is obviously a human term), but not just that, they apparently have some sort of secret society, too! XD
All of the things you described regarding Jade and Starr are 100% spot-on and I am delightedSecond part of the prologue deals with the protagonist and their soon to be estranged friends (judging from the Ch1 narration), who will no doubt be important later on (ooooo I smell rivalry, opposite sides of the war, tearful reunions and "it is complicated" relationships developing... I love those when handled really well! Good job making me intrigued there).
It took a very, very long time to get to this point, as all the earlier versions really did just dump a bunch of personality descriptions on the reader. xPThis is a long chapter fic so you can afford starting slow here. And your pace seems honestly fair. I noticed for example the dialogue there doesnt shower me with exposition and character history... you say only what is really important (at least for now) - i.e. Jade's experience with her friends leaving and becoming lonely. This will be picked on in Ch1 to serve as a motivation for joining a certain group and starting the adventure. But you also do it in such a way that we get to see the chracters' peronalities without listing their traits directly, word by word.
I really loved how well you’ve managed to pin down Starr here, and in such a short amount of time too!Starr is obviously rather mature for her age, being down-to-earth with changes in her life and predicting her friend's bahaviour. This also subtly tells me they are good judge of character or at least good with observations - and smart. I like!
Ahaha, you’re quite right! xD I always wanted to show more of her home life before the call to adventure, but also I was impatient. ;PMoving on to Chapter 1, we skip five years to meet Jade who is not exactly at the highest point of her life. She didn't pass the exam so no journey (more importantly separation from all her friends comes to play). Luckily her own adventure starts anyway, and on the same day too!
Seriously that felt a bit too fast. She didn't even have time to feel sorry about it all and we already meet Team Rocket, a legendary and the mysterious stranger (TM) who puts her on the path of a hero's quest.
It is no biggie, mind you. It is just these calls for adventure happen miraculously right when the protagonist seems at the dead end. XD
Quite liking your predictions here! Playing around with the different factions of Team Rocket was a lot of fun in Book 1, and I like how many of the plot threads you caught!If we take everything our anti-Rocket friend says at the face value, Rockets are highly competent in this incarnation (also evidenced by organized attack on Entei, using all the tricks available). And there is apprantly a rebelious faction within the organization too. (I like stories with twists to the point I am a bit paranoid... I expect this person to actually not care about Team Rocket being stopped, but possibly using Jade as a pawn for their own agenda) This makes it rather interesting for me: how much of that is true, and how will this play out. It means a lot of possibilities jade's character arc could go: Will she join some sort of undercover organization? Or maybe she will join Team Rocket as a mole (judging by the picture in your sig)? Or something else entirely?
Nah, it was indeed fantastically vague. xD Another character calls this out later.We get some exposition on Team Rocket and then Jade gets a card, which gave me a pause... is that all there was written on that card? That is not just vague, that is insufficient Wonder what is Jade supposed to do once she gets to Vermillion harbor. She doesn't know even time she should appear at, or who she is supposed to talk to? Then again, there might be a reason for this, better explained in following chapters.
It's grown on me in time lol. It just felt so forced when I first wrote it.Contrary to your final note in Ch1 I actually think the cliffhanger idea was good. I am even more interested what happens to Jade after reading it! And I agree the length is just enough. We got adventure start and some hooks and potential conflicts introduced. There is no need to stretch it further. Nice time for a break and a little something to make me go back!
No worries, thanks for sharing your thoughts on the beginning! It was a lot of fun to read. ^^Not sure if I will have the luxury of following this story, as I already feel a bit overwhelmed by the others I have been reading. I couldn't find anything outright wrong or jarring (or choppy as you suggested - I guess the multiple polishing efforts paid off)
@Starlight Aurate:
No apologies needed! Also, deciding to read the Prologue and most recent chapter was an excellent idea! Especially since the most recent chapter was the first chapter of Book 2, and it kind of summed up most of Book 1. It gave you the chance to see how those character arcs ended up.Hello! Firstly, I want to apologize for two things:
1. I am here for your Monthly Mod Madness prize review, which is waaaaaay overdue. I have no excuse, life just got away from me. So I will have to ask your forgiveness.
2. I'll review the prologue and first chapter and the most recent chapter you posted. I feel like it's hard to get an idea of your current writing style and how much it may have changed if I only read what you wrote years ago. So I'm sorry for not thoroughly going through everything else ._.
unrepentantAuthor got me to cut down some of the adjectives and it reads a lot better now! I'll be editing the first post shortly, but thanks for the reminder.I know this is years old, so it's not an accurate reflection of how write now, but there is a lot of purple prose in the part about Lugia. This is pretty typical and fitting for describing circumstances around a legendary, but it was a bit overwhelming.
That's pretty much exactly what I was going for!I like this; it's a lot like how I portray evil teams--they have so much power and influence in the world that they can't be arrested, because they would just be set free again by all the people working undercover for them.
Ooh, I'm glad--that was the goal after all, to get people wanting to know where this Rocket drama was heading! >:DOverall, I do like the premise; in general, I love anything that has to do with the evil teams ^_^; I think you made the characters fairly good and believable, though it's hard to tell since we've seen so little of the random trainer and why his organization is just handing out the cards to just anyone. I think you've definitely got a good fic, and your writing style is catchy--not too over the top, but with enough detail so we can clearly envision what's going on. I think the story and plot are very interesting, and definitely something that leaves readers (at least me) wanting more and wanting to know what's next.
Ah, good catch! Yeah, that would really read better with a subject.I don't know if you missed a word before "could," but as there's no subject in this sentence, I'm not sure who you're referring to having a hard time hearing. I assume it's the narrator, as it's common colloquial speech to leave out the subject, but it threw me off.
Jet is becoming more and more of a goober with each scene I write her in, and I love it.I thought the battle with Steelix was decently-written; you didn't linger too much on specifics, so it flowed by well. And Jet tackling her owner at the end and showing off for the crowd was downright adorable!
You’re quite right! It’s sort of more like, she’s over it enough to function normally from day to day, but it’s deeeefinitely not behind her, and the majority of Book 2 will involve a lot of being triggered and struggling to come to terms with things. There's plenty of trauma left to sort through!I personally feel like 8 months is a bit quick to get over things as nightmarish and traumatizing as what she's been through. Having other things to do, especially being as busy as a Pokemon trainer, will certainly help, but still. For instance, most people I know who have been through a relationship break up have taken at least a year to fully get over it. I know people who have been through bad family issues and attempted suicide and it's taken them several years to get over and process that. So 8 months just... feels a bit short.
I absolutely love that after only one chapter, that reads as “the sort of thing she would do.” That tells me that she left an impression. ^^Oh typical Jet. Definitely the sort of thing she would do =P
I'm especially glad that their personalities came through so well even for someone who hadn't read all the interim chapters! That's definitely a good sign. I'm really glad you decided to read the first chapter of both Book 1 and 2, as it led to a lot of neat perspectives. Thanks again for the review!This was a cute chapter! As Dragonfree said, it had a recap-ish feel, which I don't think is bad--I actually think it helps people who aren't familiar with the earlier parts of the fic get caught up and makes it easier for people who are new to it jump in. It wasn't too serious, except when dealing with Chibi's anxiety, and overall it was lighthearted. Your writing style is easy to follow--as I said in the beginning, it's not too descriptive, but also provides enough to give us a clear idea of what's going on. Even in the span of just this chapter, the different Pokemon have personalities that really shine through, and seeing them all play/fight on the beach is amusing.
@Sike Saner:
Keeping track of that particular five days was a travesty. xD;Long five days indeed; it definitely feels as though it's been longer. Props for being able to keep track of the timeline even in the midst of so many major events taking place in-story; I know firsthand that keeping track of all the whens isn't always easy.
That’s how I’ve interpreted it! You can’t just throw the same ball twice, after all.This makes me wonder if some captures fail not because the pokémon escapes the ball but because the pokémon manages to break the ball outright and never actually gets pulled in by it to begin with.
Bwahahah yes. Exactly. xDOkay, maybe this is just because I have cats and they absolutely dgaf who sees them, uh, washing under their tails, but here I am helplessly imagining this fricking weasel doing precisely that, specifically as a show of how very few fricks she gives about Jade. XD
D8 D8Dear brain: why did you initially read this as his tail snapping off?
>:3 Good.Somewhere, Anakin looks on with abject disgust.
Ooh, you’ll enjoy the next chapter then!I like it whenever in-game locations get expanded into something more realistic. Especially when said location is only afforded a single damn building in-game. XD Poor Indigo.
@Negrek:
I... hm.Summary sentences like this are often unnecessary and negate the tension in the following events (after all, you just told us Jade's going to pass this exam, and easily, but then go on for ~four paragraphs about it anyway). Starting with "I arrived at the league..." is more immediate, getting right to the action, and what do you lose by dropping the intro sentence?
I use summary sentences like these a lot, but it's a habit I'm absolutely trying to break. Food for thought!
Hm.
I mean, on the one hand, I do really love summary sentences, especially since it lets me make the narration more conversational, (which I'm constantly trying to do with 1st person.) Buuuuut, I can see how this one might not be needed, yes. So you've at least gotten me to more carefully consider the value of each one in the future, even if I won't be trying to get rid of all of them. ;P
Someday I will figure out the correct way to state that Aros is a showoff who gives zero f*cks about a fair fight. Someday.I think the meaning you're shooting for here is "Aros likes winning even if his opponents are way weaker"/"Aros likes beating other pokémon whether or not they're weaker than him" but the way it reads now this sentence suggests that he doesn't bother with opponents weaker than himself or doesn't consider those wins real victories.
hey now wait a secondSo Jade makes a late addition to her team, a female member of the buizel line with an upbeat and feisty personality, a serious interest in getting stronger, and an unusual speech pattern... It's odd, I almost feel like I've seen this somewhere before...![]()
...at least her character arc is 100% different, and that was the first thing I created for her. :V
Also I seem to have oversold people on her wanting to get stronger when it's not that at all. :T She wants to go on adventures.
aaaa, I'm so glad you liked the ending! I really wanted it to feel like a true and proper ending to Book 1 (despite obvious plot hooks for Book 2) and I'm so glad that it came off well, especially with that bittersweet air that I was going for.And the final scene with Jade on Pidgeot just does a great job of capping the chapter, and book, with a great mixture of looking backwards and on towards the future. There's some really nice descriptive writing here, and I especially liked how you evoked the feeling of actually getting to ride a pokémon, the sensation of flying. The meeting with Ajia and Starr, as Jade remarks, does a great job of bringing everything full circle and giving a sense of closure to this part of the narrative. All in all this little scene really captures the bittersweet ending feel that I love, of things coming to a close and yet preparing to begin again. And of course, this story isn't actually over--we'll get to see just where Jade and her friends go off to. Nice work!
I will never stop wishing that my hiatus had been between 30 and 31. x_x Ah well, what can ya do. I really did want to format the fic like it's split into three books though, with completely separate introductions, inciting incidents, story arcs, climaxes, ect, in a way that I wouldn't get from just a normal story arc. It's just in the same thread because starting a sequel thread tanks viewership. :pNot much to say about this chapter. Most of it was taken up by the battle with Jasmine. It was a solid battle, and kind of fun to see Jade fighting in a more formalized scenario than she usually has been in the past. Other than that, it did get a bit recap-ish, with a lot of summarizing both what we already know (who the various characters are) and what we don't (generally what's been going on since the last time we checked in). This makes sense as the start of a "second book," but since this isn't actually a separate book/story but only the start of a new section within a single fanfic it does seem a bit odd that we're getting reminded that the majority of Jade's team are experiments, etc.
I am glad that the time skip came through well enough though! That was one thing I failed spectacularly at in the old thread lol.This chapter does do a good job of making it feel as though it's genuinely been a few months since the last one, as the characters have genuinely advanced and there's enough calling back to what's been going on off-screen that it feels like the time gap has been explained. Rudy in particular sounds completely different than he did in the previous chapter. It was really cute to see Buizel eagerly demanding that Jade recount her old war-stories. I would have enjoyed some more references to specific events that happened on Jade's journey since the last time we checked in, but that's my only gripe there, really.
Not much chilling and traveling, I’m afraid, but there absolutely will be a ton of Jade/Starr/Ajia interacting and working out their issues (in fact, chapters 35 and 37 and almost entirely devoted to this.) So don’t worry, we will get to see this!At this point I might wonder pointedly whether Jade will actually get to meet Rudy at the plateau or whether ~stuff~ will catch up with her in Blackthorn that will keep her away, but I seem to recall some in-progress art featuring a houndoom that was around chapter-header size, so I guess that answers that question. It is a little disappointing, for me, that we apparently only have the two chapters of trainerfic left and so far we haven't actually gotten to see Jade, Ajia, and Starr actually interact at all. I was really looking forward to seeing some of their friendship developing and how they kind of work out their various issues with each other, but it looks like we won't be getting much of that in this section. I imagine we'll be seeing loads of interaction between them in the future as the plot starts revving up again, but nevertheless, I had hoped for a little more chilling and just traveling, I guess.
This is my favorite thing ever for three separate reasons.In any case, Jade may have left Kanto to escape the Kanto Rockets, but moving to Johto does mean that she's right in the neighborhood of that one Rocket who literally has her (pokégear) number. Even if Stalker doesn't do something so egregious that Jade can't ignore it, he can just, like, show up in person and thrust the TR bullshit right back on her. Maybe she should head to Hoenn, I hear there's absolutely no Team Rocket presence there at all.![]()
Thank you so much for your dedication in keeping up with my stupid fic over all these years. Can't wait to show off what's coming next!Once again, happy ficiversary, and belated congratulations on making it to the end of Book 1! And past the end of Book 1! It sounds as though there's a lot of exciting stuff going on in Book 2, and I hope you've had a good time working on it so far. I'm looking forward to getting to see all these scenes you've had knocking around in your head for years. As long as you're still writing, you can expect to see me here reading. Here's to another year!
Again, thanks so much for the reviews everyone! And now, a status update. Some of you might know that I wrote Book 2 for NaNoWriMo! Specifically, my goal was to finish scripting the first half of Book 2, or everything up to Chapter 45. While I ran into some snags with the Hoenn arc, everything's looking pretty solid so far! I which I hadn't burned myself out for December/January though. It's completely unacceptable that I let Chapter 32 take this long, and only because I was bored with it and didn't want to write it. ><
But it's finally done and should be posted later tonight! And I've started a new method of making myself commit to writing at least 200 words a day, so we'll see where that takes me.
~Chibi~