The Legendary Region (Short Chapters)

[twilighteevee]

Chapter 1
There are many legends about pokemon, like Jirachi. Or How Deoxys was Born. Yet one legend lives on in many hearts; it's the one legend that makes many of us treat Pokemon with love and respect; the Legend of Riono. It tells of a region ruled by Pokemon. Only few people have seen it, but they won't say it. They are the Valley Guardians. Few children are chosen to go there and guard the valleys. But they must love Pokemon so much, that they are able to leave home. Four of these chosen trainers are called Beta, Ano, Sies, and Resca. Beta was the smart one. She had been oldest. Ano and Sies were the strong ones. They always win. And Resca was the shy one. She was the youngest of them. Together, they were to guard the Eevee Valleys. This is where our story begins.

It was a sunny afternoon, and Resca was in the gates, playing with the Eevees. She was to check up on them, but they got her to play. Beta sighed, watching them play. She put her clothes in a sac. Soon, Resca came in. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm packing," Beta replied. "Why?" she asked again. "I'm leaving." "Why?" "I have to leave, I'm finally 16. I'm too old to be here." "Can I come?" "You need to ask the Eevee Valley King and Queen to leave." "I will." And Resca left to ask. To Beta's surprise, she could. She had to take a Pokemon, though.;133;

 

[foxkitty]

Okay, good.
but.. at this part: ""I'm leaving." "Why?" "I have to leave, I'm finally 16. I'm too old to be here." "Can I come?" "You need to ask the Eevee Valley King and Queen to leave." "I will."" it was alittle confusing because some people can get missed up on who's saying what.

Also i know you said they were going to be short chapters but please not that short, read the rules, they have to be at least 3 pages.

here: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993 those are the rules please read them so you don't get in trouble, thank oyu

~Fox~

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya! Hmm, this has a whole lotta potential here. Sure, the idea of kids grown up with pokemon rather than humans has been overdone and Eevees are so OU that almost everyone's sick of them, but as people keep repeating, unoriginal does not make bad. It makes a window of opportunity for you to take the standard and make it well above the average. If you can pull this off, it will really stand out as quality amongst other stories with similar plots that have tried and failed.

But be careful, lest you fall into the same traps that other authors have. Make sure, as you write this, that you ARE doing it well. At the moment, there's a few points in here that make me raise an eyebrow. Here's a few.

1. Why are children chosen as Guardians to the 'Valley'? Wouldn't it be more sensible to pick a competant adult trainer who agreed with the core values the pokemon had? Cause while children are easier to control and to teach, it seems that they would be ill suited for the role of 'Guardian'. What if they actually had to defend the place? From the sounds of it, they have no pokemon of their own, no training in any form of defense and no strategy to counter attackers. Now, it may be that there's a very good reason for picking children as guardians (ie: pokemon don't want humans that can think strongly for themselves, that are easily instructed, innocent and obedient.) but you have to let the reader know these reasons (not necessarily now, but at some point in the near future of your fic) or the assumption may be that you simply had a special role and put children in it cause you wanted to write your story with children as the main characters.

2. Why Eevees? Why center your characters' background on a whole bunch of Eevees? Are there other Eeveelutions around? What happens when the Eevees evolve? Are there evolutionary stones around or are the valleys simply stuffed with Eevees, Umbreons and Espeons and completely devoid of Flareons, Jolteons and Vaporeons? Whilst choosing Eevee for its broad evolutionary path allows for interest and difference in your characters' backgrounds, you completely jumped any description of their culture (though this perhaps is due to come in future chapters?) and a great reason for picking Eevee as a pokemon to fill valleys with is bypassed. There could well be an answer to this question and I'd advise answering it soon. Why on earth would you make the predominant species in our characters' home be Eevee? Cute (debatably) as they might be, they've been so overdone that they're generally considered boring and typical. Perhaps you wanted your characters to be disadvantaged by having no experience apart from a single, Normal-type species, or perhaps you were seeking a pokemon that could be turned to a variety of different uses, depending on what it evolved to. Whatever your reason is, I again suggest you state it, lest people think you only chose Eevee cause their cute and considered speshul.

Yah, as people said with technical issues, formatting is a must. Properly spaced paragraphs, proper punctuation and correct spelling are essential. A Spellcheck can do it for you - just put what you've typed into Word and run the Spellchecker. Failing that, get someone to beta (proof read) for you. And the length (as I remember) is one page minimum for actual chapters. You'll probably get away with this cause it's the prologue and prologues are allowed to be shorter, but from now on, the rules say that your chapters will have to be at least one page long.

Anyway, good luck and have fun with your future chapters. You can make this great, but be realistic about your writing. Don't pick things just cause they're cool - make sure there's reasons behind them. ^^ You have a great start - use it wisely.

Piney.
;204;;324;

EDIT: Forgot to mention it, but using numbers instead of words is generally frowned upon. Writing '16' instead of 'sixteen' is often a sign of laziness and is best avoided.

 

[twilighteevee]

Heya! Hmm, this has a whole lotta potential here. Sure, the idea of kids grown up with pokemon rather than humans has been overdone and Eevees are so OU that almost everyone's sick of them, but as people keep repeating, unoriginal does not make bad. It makes a window of opportunity for you to take the standard and make it well above the average. If you can pull this off, it will really stand out as quality amongst other stories with similar plots that have tried and failed.

But be careful, lest you fall into the same traps that other authors have. Make sure, as you write this, that you ARE doing it well. At the moment, there's a few points in here that make me raise an eyebrow. Here's a few.

1. Why are children chosen as Guardians to the 'Valley'? Wouldn't it be more sensible to pick a competant adult trainer who agreed with the core values the pokemon had? Cause while children are easier to control and to teach, it seems that they would be ill suited for the role of 'Guardian'. What if they actually had to defend the place? From the sounds of it, they have no pokemon of their own, no training in any form of defense and no strategy to counter attackers. Now, it may be that there's a very good reason for picking children as guardians (ie: pokemon don't want humans that can think strongly for themselves, that are easily instructed, innocent and obedient.) but you have to let the reader know these reasons (not necessarily now, but at some point in the near future of your fic) or the assumption may be that you simply had a special role and put children in it cause you wanted to write your story with children as the main characters.

2. Why Eevees? Why center your characters' background on a whole bunch of Eevees? Are there other Eeveelutions around? What happens when the Eevees evolve? Are there evolutionary stones around or are the valleys simply stuffed with Eevees, Umbreons and Espeons and completely devoid of Flareons, Jolteons and Vaporeons? Whilst choosing Eevee for its broad evolutionary path allows for interest and difference in your characters' backgrounds, you completely jumped any description of their culture (though this perhaps is due to come in future chapters?) and a great reason for picking Eevee as a pokemon to fill valleys with is bypassed. There could well be an answer to this question and I'd advise answering it soon. Why on earth would you make the predominant species in our characters' home be Eevee? Cute (debatably) as they might be, they've been so overdone that they're generally considered boring and typical. Perhaps you wanted your characters to be disadvantaged by having no experience apart from a single, Normal-type species, or perhaps you were seeking a pokemon that could be turned to a variety of different uses, depending on what it evolved to. Whatever your reason is, I again suggest you state it, lest people think you only chose Eevee cause their cute and considered speshul.

Yah, as people said with technical issues, formatting is a must. Properly spaced paragraphs, proper punctuation and correct spelling are essential. A Spellcheck can do it for you - just put what you've typed into Word and run the Spellchecker. Failing that, get someone to beta (proof read) for you. And the length (as I remember) is one page minimum for actual chapters. You'll probably get away with this cause it's the prologue and prologues are allowed to be shorter, but from now on, the rules say that your chapters will have to be at least one page long.

Anyway, good luck and have fun with your future chapters. You can make this great, but be realistic about your writing. Don't pick things just cause they're cool - make sure there's reasons behind them. ^^ You have a great start - use it wisely.

Piney.
;204;;324;

The Eevee Valleys are full of Eeveelutions, which is why they have their own valleys.