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The Legend's End

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Scaldaver, Jan 7, 2012.

  1. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Every story has an ending. Nothing lasts forever. Not any more.

    Hey, this is my Fanfic. Please post if you like it so I can get more motivated to write more chapters. Chapters may be uploaded with slight few days delay, more if I have too much work. Please know that, as my first attempt, it is a bit short for a first chapter, but I hope for there to be many, many chapters, that will get progressively longer. Consider this a first taste. Feel free to point out mistakes and speculate. Enjoy.

    It is important to know that, although it start moderately slow, it DOES pick up in the second chapter (With something most people find pretty shocking).

    Also, please know that, although my reply to criticism was bordering on cruel when I first wrote this (as I honestly thought people were being cruel to me at the time), I have since grown out of those tendencies and will make the corrections and thank you.

    Note: This fanfiction takes place in a separate Pokemon universe. In this, all legendary Pokemon are unique, they are all genderless (with the exception of Lati@s) and all events from the Pokemon games and Anime including legendary Pokemon did not happen. As well as this, I am not giving main character description - feel free to come up with those yourself. Model them after your imagination. Furthermore, at the beggining of each chapter I will give the age rating, as there is different content in each chapter. This one is suitable for all viewers.

    Donphan Dude,
    Kutie Pie,


    The gargantuan creature opened its eyes, a hollow ring of molten gold glowing in the darkness of its home. It knew it was close. It knew its breaths were numbered.

    “Show yourself,” the monster growled, shaking the stalactites precariously with its deep, ancient voice.

    A figure fell from the ceiling of the cavern, gracefully, and came to rest a few feet from the warm stone floor. It surveyed its prey with an indifferent glance, as though impatient for its job to be completed. The recently awakened behemoth closed its eyes and sagged its head.

    “I have known... of your coming.” The monster spoke slowly but fiercely, savouring its final moments of life. “I know... of your goal. I know... I cannot beat you.” The creature shot its eyes wide open, snapped its head back and roared, producing a blast so powerful that dust and stalactites fell from the ceiling. The assailant didn't even blink.

    “But I'm not going down without a fight! I will bide the others time! And together,” it roared again, splitting the rock and causing earthquakes for miles around its subterranean cove, strange markings in the chinks of its armour illuminating the area a bright blue, “they will avenge me!”

    With that the chamber began to collapse, rocks and dust removing all visibility. The battle began.


    Chapter 1

    Three Pokemon looked up expectantly at the boy in the forest clearing. The one to his left resembled some sort of tiny dinosaur, light green skin with very rounded limbs. Around the base of the elongated head were small green beads winding around it like a necklace. Upon the head a large leaf hung on a stalk, just above the large red eyes. Below its featureless body were four featureless legs, each ending with a small, white claw. A small tail protruded from its behind, waving gently from side to side. This was a Chikorita, the leaf Pokemon. It stood calmly, its leaf waving gently in the cool breeze and, to all intents and purposes, looking pretty bored with the whole ordeal.

    Beside it was a small bird that resembled an orange chicken. Its bulbous head, which rested on a small round body, contained few features, most predominately a small cream beak, two blue shining eyes, and three yellow tipped feathers sticking up on top. Below its head, small wing-like limbs protruded from the top of its body. Below, two cream-coloured stick-like legs connected to scrawny chicken feet stuck out; it carried most of its weight on only one, the other slightly bent backward in the air. This was Torchic, the chick Pokemon.

    To the right of the boy stood a blue dog-like Pokemon. Instead of a tail, however, a large pale blue fin stood vertical against its backside. It had a light, marine blue back, but a pale blue underbelly. It had four short legs, each with three undefined toes at the end. Upon its large head stood another vertical fin, the same colour as the blue head. Each cheek had a strange orange star-shaped gill that slowly inflated and deflated. The boy was surprised when he didn't see any eyes, but they were prised shut. The creature was also quietly murmuring to itself:

    “Mud, mud, kip, kip,” which translated as, if the boy's lessons in Pokemon communication were anything to go by, “Please pick me, please pick me.”

    The boy smiled. Anticipation glowed within him.

    Behind him, the girl yawned loudly.

    “You picked yet, Edward?" she called over. "Some of us are growing old you know."

    Edward grinned. She knew that Nuria was only kidding, but he did realise he'd been staring at them for quite a while. And he had made his decision. He turned his back on the starter Pokemon and faced the professor and Nuria. His friend sighed with relief.

    “Finally.” She checked her watch, raising her eyebrows. Edward ignored her.

    “Have you made your selection?” Professor Birch asked. Edward nodded, grinning uncontrollably. “And you, Nuria?”

    “Aaaages ago,” Nuria yawned, catching Edward's eye and winked.

    “Once again, I'm sorry we didn't have a spare Treecko; we just ran out and it was lucky Elm could give us the Chikorita. If either of you wanted Treecko, we could wait a few more days. Are you sure you don't want one?”

    “I'm sure,” they both replied at the same time. Nuria's voice rang with boredom at the question. Edward grinned as he remembered how they always talked about their starter Pokemon: which one they'd get. Most of these conversations lead to Nuria ranting about how ugly and bug-eyed Treecko was. Edward didn't like them much either, but couldn't quite see what all the fuss was about.

    “Okay,” Birch continued, exhaling in relief. “Nuria, you chose first, so which do you want to be your companion?”

    “Chikorita,” she said almost immediately, determined. Her eyes burned, as though threatening the professor to argue with her. Birch nodded.

    “I thought as much.” He turned to Edward. “And you?”

    Edward cast his eyes over to the Mudkip. Its eyes were even more screwed up. He laughed again. The past thirteen years had been building up to this. He didn't know if he could talk with all the excitement.

    “I'd like the Mudkip, please,” he said, loud enough so the Mudkip could overhear. Immediately the mud fish Pokemon leapt up and ran straight at Edward; before he could dodge or jump out of the way, the Mudkip was upon his feet, nearly sobbing and crying out, muttering, in his own speech: “Thank you! Thank you so much! You won't regret this! Thank-”

    As Mudkip expressed his gratitude, Edward's face lit up. As excitement and joy filled him entirely, Birch leaned over and handed him a small red and white sphere while Nuria giggled behind him. Mudkip's pokeball. Edward took the ball and held it toward Mudkip, causing the blue dog-fish to turn into red plasma and withdraw into the ball. Birch grinned apologetically.

    “You've got to be good to him. He's been waiting his whole life to be selected. It means a lot to him.” He then turned back to Nuria. “And here's Chikorita's ball.”

    With a brief mutter of thanks, Nuria took the ball and held it toward her new Chikorita. It too turned into a hazy red plasma and flew into the ball. All that was left was the Torchic, looking a bit downtrodden. Birch held up its withdrew it too, and looked apologetically at the sphere; he muttered - “Don't worry. Your time will come." As though being drawn out of a dream, the professor looked towards the teens again. "Now, without further ado,” he said as he reached into his pocket, bringing out two small, metallic rectangles; one pink, one blue. Nuria immediately snatched the blue one before Birch could offer it to Edward.

    “Sorry Eddy," she taunted mockingly. "Better luck next time.”

    Edward sighed and took the pink Pokedex. It wasn't the colour that exasperated him, but the pet name Nuria had for him. Ever since he was little Nuria had called him Eddy. It was just so demeaning. Edward was a proper name; by contrast, Eddy was just too childish. I'm basically an adult now! he thought, annoyed as he slipped the Pokedex into his trouser pocket. Despite thinking this, however, looking up to see Nuria sticking her tongue out at him made him raise his eyebrows, grinning; accepting the challenge.

    “Erm,” interjected professor Birch, breaking the playful atmosphere, “I guess you know what these are. These are Type 19 Hoenn Pokedexes. It has Pokemon info, a map, and even tells you the level and condition of your team. Oh, and here are five empty Pokeballs each. Are you both ready to go?”

    The two thirteen-year-olds nodded.

    “And I assume you've both said goodbye to your families?”

    They nodded again, though Edward carefully caught Nuria's eyes. They were as tough as steel, cold as ice.

    “Well then, I guess there's nothing more for it," he said, a sense of finality in his voice as he began to re-adjust his bag as he turned away. "Oldale Town is through this small forest, as I'm sure you know, and keep safe on the way. If you leave now you might get there by sundown. Keep your Pokemon in good health and … Well, goodbye I guess.”

    Nuria began trekking off towards the forest without a backward glance. Edward chuckled and turned to Birch, face alight.

    “Thank you so much, professor. We'll try keep good care of them.” He then turned back towards Nuria, running to catching up with her just before they entered the forest, unaware of the true magnitude off the journey he was about to undertake.

    Last edited: Dec 21, 2013
  2. overlordmewtwo

    overlordmewtwo Supreme Overlord

    That's actually a pretty good fanfic, Scaldaver. Keep writing so I can see more of the plot come together.
  3. Not_A_Cyberbully

    Not_A_Cyberbully Claimed Gabite

    amazing! prologue has me intrigued. do you have a pm list? if so can I be on it?
  4. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Hey, sorry for the week-long wait. I've been so busy lately. Cooloolcool, I'll pt you on my PM list right away.

    This chapter is rated PG-13 for violence only - no profanities, etc. Enjoy.

    Chapter 2

    The cavern fell silent as the last seconds of life escaped the monster. It surveyed its home, nothing more than rubble and dust. The intruder was still there, staring at the once worshiped titan. There were once shrines dedicated to the monster, an entire religion devoted to it. And now all it was was a blood-soaked, crippled, pitiful creature, mere seconds from death. It exhaled one final time. Closed its eyes. And died.

    “You could have at least said thanks.”

    “Just stop babying me already! Look, we've got Pokemon for Pete's sake! We're basically adults. I can look after myself.”

    Edward sighed. How come, even though he'd been brought up with Nuria, could he find himself so infuriated by her constant rudeness?

    “And what's with you anyway?” she continued, “Ever since you saw that Mudkip you've had that stupid look on your face.”

    “What? You said it yourself – we just got Pokemon. Why shouldn't I be excited? More to the point, why aren't you?”

    Nuria sighed. “I think it'll hit me soon.”

    They continued walking for a few more meters, and as they broke into a small clearing, Edward had an idea. He was surprised he hadn't thought of it before.

    “Hey, how about we let them out? To, you know, talk to them.”

    Nuria took a minimized ball out of her pocket and pushed the button. As it expanded she threw it high into the air, and at the highest point of its arc the capsule opened, releasing a white jet of plasma. The shape of a Chikorita began to form, and then the white glow was expelled, leaving the dinosaur creature its light green colour. Its leaf began bobbing up and down in the wind. Mesmerising.

    Chikorita looked up at its master as Nuria took out her Pokedex. Her face broke out into a grin.

    “Oh, it says your a girl. Well hello Chikorita. My name's Nuria, and I'm your new master. I'm sure we will get very strong together and stuff. Hey Eddy!” She called out his dreaded pet name excitedly. “It says on here she already knows Razor Leaf! That means she's already level six. Must be my lucky day.” She looked at Chikorita, a light in her eyes. A possessive, greedy sort of look. The Chikorita sighed.

    “I'm not going to travel with you if I'm just some prize.” She spoke resigned and bored, lazily in her own language. The light in Nuria's eyes dimmed. “I've already been through that before. I had a trainer who only spoke about me being a thing, a trophy. He didn't care for me at all. In the end I stopped battling for him. He took me back to Professor Elm and returned me like I was some sort of collectible. He only ever raised me one level. So if that's how your going to treat me, we may as well just go our separate ways. All you trainers are the same.” She then went mute, and turned her back on the two humans.

    Edward saw Nuria's face, chalk white. She caught Edward's eye, and he motioned toward Chikorita with his head. She nodded, and took an awkward step toward Chikorita.

    Edward then became aware that this seemed to be more of a private thing, and walked across to the end of the clearing. He took his own Pokeball from his pocket and released his water type. As soon as the Mudkip materialized, it jumped again to Edward's feet and whispering,

    “Thank you, thank you...”

    Edwad knelt down to his Pokemon and sat down, so they were both at eye level.

    “So,” Edward began, then became unsure of what exactly he was going to say. He grinned. “So, uh, are you ready to get stronger, and stuff?” Edward blushed. How cheesy that sounded. Just like Nuria. Oh dear. The Mudkip stood up proud and fearless, determined to prove his worth.

    “Of course! I'll never let you down. I'll become stronger and stronger, and we'll beat anybody we battle! They say Mudkips are great, 'cause when we evolve we only have one weakness, and with an ice move we're basically indestructible!” He barked enthusiastically as he said this, and again Edward found that glow of anticipation, and excitement in his chest that rose and sent him into a moment of ecstasy.

    “So, you really want to evolve?” Edward enquired. The Mudkip nodded enthusiastically.

    “Yep! Some Pokemon hate evolving, but I just want to get stronger and stronger and stronger!” as he finished the sentence he started bouncing up and down in excitement. Edward was reminded of an excited six year old. He laughed again.

    “Well, my name is Edward Lance, and that over there is Nuria Heliol. Don't ever mention her last name or she will hit you. Trust me. Anyway, we both started our adventure today, a week after my thirteenth birthday. Nuria turned thirteen last month, but she decided to wait for me. We're travelling together. And we're both aiming for the Hoenn league. I think that's all.” Edward looked back at Nuria and Chikorita, each of whom seemed not a bit more cheerful. He then reached into his pocket and brought out his bright pink Pokedex. After a second of silent internal fuming, he flipped it open and pointed it at Mudkip. As he did so, Mudkip spoke up.

    “But I thought trainers started when they were ten. Why did you two wait?”

    Edward grimaced,

    “My parents needed a lot of convincing.” And I'm not entirely sure if Nuria's parents even know she left, he finished in his mind. He then checked his Pokedex. “So, you're a boy, and you only know Growl and Tackle.”

    Mudkip sagged and Edward felt like slapping himself up the face. What did I have to say only for? Edward decided his Pokemon obviously needed some cheering up.

    “Hey Mudkip, don't be down. This forest is probably crawling with Pokemon. Want to find a battle?” The effect was almost immediate. Mudkip jumped up, almost squeaking as he jumped up and down. Edward laughed again (something about this Mudkip just amused him) and stood up.

    “Nuria,” he called over his shoulder, “Mudkip and I are going to find a battle. Catch up with us when you're both finished." Nuria turned and nodded, eyes devoid of any emotion except frustration.

    He turned back towards Mudkip, and motioned him to follow. Obviously he wasn't going fast enough, as Mudkip began to run circles around him. They soon broke out of the clearing into a shaded area with a few trees. The forest between Little Root Town and Odale was not as dense as, say, Petalburg Forest, but Edward still knew how easy it was to get lost. As he had so many times before.

    They soon came across another small clearing, and within were two dog-like creatures sleeping under a tree, each with spiky, thick, brown and white zigzagging fur that stuck up on end. They had small, spiky brown and cream tails, and on each of their eyes were what resembled a black mask . Zigzagoon. A good start, thought Edward. Now what though? I could attack them now, and have an advantage, but then they might be mad and tag team against us. Edward shuddered. That was not an option.

    He had barely taken a calm, steadied step towards them when both the dogs bolted up suddenly and bared their teeth, growling.

    “Leave this place human” the smaller one threatened. It sounded high-pitched and desperate. They must be young, Edward realised, maybe even my age?.

    “Excuse me,” Edward began, trying to be polite as possible whilst trying to ignore the danger posed by two angry dogs, “but would one of you like to battle my Mudkip? We're, um, new.”

    The Zigzagoons looked at each other, and mumbled quietly to each other. The bigger one stepped forward.

    “I accept your challenge. We are sorry for our suspicion. Since the Shift we have not known who to trust.”

    Edward nodded, relieved. Of course, about five years ago, most of the Pokemon migration patters in the world suddenly shifted, meaning lots of Pokemon appeared in regions they weren't normally indigenous to. Some of the local Pokemon had become upset as their food chains were messed up. Nobody knew why it had happened. Investigations were still going on.

    Edward cleared his head and readied himself.

    “Go!” he commanded his Mudkip. “Use Tackle!” The Mudkip started running, faster that Edward expected, and ran straight into the Zigzagoon, which just managed to jump to the side. Mudkip skidded to a halt and glared at the Zigzagoon, who had retreated to a safe distance.

    “Now use Growl!” Edward grinned. Growl somehow made enemy Pokemon weaker, and as he expected a counter attack any time soon, it would be best to maximise Mudkip's chance of survivability. True to his thoughts, the raccoon Pokemon launched itself toward Mudkip as he let loose a threatening bark. The Zigzagoon winced and slowed slightly.

    “Dodge!” his trainer called, and an instant before Zigzagoon collided with Mudkip. The mud fish jumped to the right, the wild Pokemon sailing harmlessly into the floor.

    “Now Tackle again!” The Mudkip ran again and caught the Zigzagoon in the ribs. It was sent flying and landed painfully in a heap in the middle of the clearing. The observing Zigzagoon on the sidelines winced. Edward prepared himself for the normal type's counter, but then noticed with heart-stopping shock that the Pokemon wasn't breathing. Fainted Pokemon still breathed, he knew.Does this mean it's-

    His thought were shattered as the brown and cream dog jumped up and ran straight into Mudkip, who was sent hurtling. Edward bit his lip. A trick.

    “Are you okay Mudkip?” he called over. The Mudkip jumped right up, looking proud and determined but bleeding through a slight cut on his side. He nodded rigidly.

    “Well then, used Growl and stay away!” Edward couldn't risk his only Pokemon to sustain another direct hit like that. Mudkip barked threateningly again toward the Zigzagoon, and this time when it winced Edward noticed the steady flow of blood seeping out slowly from a wound on its back. Revulsion overcame Edward for a second, and he almost commanded Mudkip to return when he remembered a little titbit of knowledge from school: Pokemon heal far quicker than humans, that's why they can fight so long and hard, and don't mind doing so. Edward exhaled, getting over his split second of indecisiveness.

    “Use Tackle to finish it off!” commanded Edward, and the mud fish launched itself at the dog once more. Something cracked, the raccoon was thrown sideways. It didn't get up, but at least this time it remained breathing. The Zigzagoon's companion ran over from the edge of the clearing over to it, and began gently licking its wounds.

    The next moment Edward was on his back – Mudkip had literally flown into his chest. He stood on his stomach, jumping up and down.

    “Did you see that? Did you see that?” he gibbered quickly, a wide smile plastered on his blue face, “I- we won! Wewonwewonwewon! Did you see me, I was like 'Take this' and he was all 'Nooooooooo...'! Did you see? Didyoudidyoudidyou?”

    “Yes,” Edward wheezed, the breath knocked out of him, but grinning maniacally nonetheless.“I'm proud of you. Did you just Tackle me?”

    After returning the ecstatic Mudkip to its Pokeball, Edward wandered, still glowing with pride, through the forest, until he reached the clearing where Nuria was sitting cross legged, looking vacantly at the Pokeball clenched in her hand. As he drew near she patted the ground next to her.

    “So, how did it go?” Edward asked tentatively.

    “She still doesn't trust me,” she moaned, placing her head in her hands. “Turns out she takes first impressions too seriously. I tried to explain to her. She just about decided to give me a second chance.”

    “Good.” Edward didn't know what else to say. “Maybe you should catch another Pokemon. To have someone else to train whilst you earn Chikorita's trust.”

    “Yeah. Maybe.” She spoke vacantly. "How is it possible that I could have screwed this up so soon?” she murmured, resting her head on Edward's side. Edward placed his arm over her shoulder. He completely understood what she meant: the excitement of the day you get your Pokemon, the plans you make to make sure everything goes smoothly... and then to mess up in the first ten minutes? That would hurt anyone's pride. “How did it go with you and Mudkip?”

    “Oh yeah.” He grinned, elated once again. “We won against a Zigzagoon.” All Nuria did was grin in acceptance. After a few seconds she rose her head from Edward's side, untangling his arm from around her.

    “You're right. Maybe I'll -” She was cut short by a comparatively deafening rustle in the otherwise silent undergrowth. Nuria leapt to her feet and threw her Pokeball high into the air. Chikorita materialized in a flash of white. She shot a reproachful glance at Nuria, then too heard the rustling and adopted a battle position. “Razor Leaf!” Nuria commanded. Chikorita stood stock still. Seconds ticked by. “Please,” Nuria intoned. The leaf Pokemon then flicked her leaf toward the rustling area of the bush, and somehow from under its own leaf a barrage of the green, serrated leaves flew toward the rustling. Something screeched, and part of the bush was cut away, revealing what could have been a young boy. Except instead of a head was a green helmet with two flat blunt red horns at either side. And instead of wearing clothes there was what resembled a white nightgown, with the legs ending in ruffles of what appeared to be fabric. Its small white arms were waving frantically as it tried to detach itself from the thorny bush. Across its body where small cuts, either from the thorns or the Razor Leaf. Edward took out is bright pink (ugh!) Pokedex, flipped it open and pointed it at the flailing Pokemon. It spoke in a high, robotic female voice:

    “Ralts, the Feeling Pokemon. This Pokemon is said to appear to happy trainers, but when it senses hostility it flees. It senses the emotions of those around it using the two horns in its head. Its eyes are concealed under its helmet.”

    Edward nodded, thoughtful. The bit about appearing to happy trainers made sense. He had been so happy a few moments ago. And it must have tried to flee when it sensed Nuria's hostility, of trying to get worked up to catch a wild Pokemon.

    All of a sudden the Pokemon broke loose from the branches and thorns, and jumped forward to face Chikorita.

    “Raa-AAA-aaalts!” it Growled at the grass type. Chikorita flinched slightly, but held its position. Nuria grinned.

    “Now Chikorita, would you be so kind as to use Tackle?” The Chikorita grinned and jumped forward, knocking the small Pokemon off balance. It fell to the ground, its breaths came out in short rasps. Nuria took out a minimized Pokeball from her pocket and threw it at the psychic type. The ball was moving on target, but just a moment before it should have collided with the Ralts, Chikorita jumped in the way and reflected it with her leaf.

    “Chikorita, what the hell are you doing?” Nuria gasped incredulously, her voice teetering dangerously on the edge of rage. Chikorita glared at her trainer.

    “Look at it, this Pokemon came to experience joy and happiness, but we bloody and bruise it and then try to take away its free will! Fighting is bad enough - at least we become stronger in the process - but forced imprisonment? If it wants to be caught, that's fine, but we should ask it before we catch it. It should at least know what it's getting into.”

    Nuria fumed silently for a few moments, glaring back at her starter with a look of hatred, then looked at the Ralts, crumpled in a heap. Her eyes softened marginally as she understood Chikorita's point. Turning her head slowly towards the collapsed Pokemon, Nuria began to speak with conviction:

    “Would you like me to catch you? Together we could become stronger, and when my training for champion ends I promise I will return you here. Is that acceptable?” Slowly, shaking slightly, the Ralts nodded its large green head. Nuria grinned, took another empty Pokeball from her pocket and threw it at the wild Pokemon whilst Chikorita cringed, aghast with Ralts' decision. It popped open on contact with it, and the Ralts dissolved in glowing red plasma and shot into the ball. It closed, fell to the ground, and clicked.

    Last edited: Jul 9, 2013
  5. Not_A_Cyberbully

    Not_A_Cyberbully Claimed Gabite

    You are a good writer. Very descriptive. Love the blocking of the pokeball and the talking to pokemon.
  6. Chimpchar

    Chimpchar PKMN CHAMPION!!!!

    Could you add me to your pm list?
  7. overlordmewtwo

    overlordmewtwo Supreme Overlord

    Very good writing, Scaldaver. I'm somewhat considering writing a fanfic of my own because of you. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to Chapter 3!
  8. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Your punctuation of dialogue is often inconsistent and thus by extension often incorrect, so it sounds like you could use a primer in how it works.

    Dialogue tags - things like "he said", "she said, annoyed", "he shouted", etc. - are insertions into a sentence, not sentences of their own. So say you're going to add a dialogue tag to a sentence such as, "My name is Bob." This is done in one of the following ways:

    He said, "My name is Bob."
    "My name," he said, "is Bob."
    "My name is Bob," he said.

    Note that wherever a dialogue tag is separated from the actual dialogue, there is a comma; that if there is a comma after a quoted sentence, it goes inside the quotation marks; that the capitalization of the quoted sentence acts as if the dialogue tag simply weren't there; and that the capitalization of the dialogue tags acts as if the quotation marks weren't there. This means all of the following are incorrect:

    He said "My name is Bob."
    "My name" he said "is Bob."
    "My name is Bob" he said.
    "My name is Bob." He said.
    He said, "my name is Bob."
    "My name is Bob", he said.

    Also note that if you have a dialogue tag after one quoted sentence and then have another quoted sentence afterwards, that's different from inserting a dialogue tag into the middle of a single quoted sentence. The second quoted sentence is irrelevant to the dialogue tag attached to the first one. So this is correct:

    "My name is Bob," he said. "What's yours?"

    When the sentence you're quoting ends in something other than a period - such as an exclamation mark, a question mark, or an ellipsis - then you do not replace it with a comma even if it's followed by a dialogue tag, but the capitalization of the dialogue tag still follows the same rules as usual, like so:

    "What is your name?" he asked.
    "Hurry up!" she said. "We're getting late!"
    "I don't know..." he said hesitantly.

    However, note that not everything you put after dialogue that contains a pronoun or a character's name is actually a dialogue tag; it is only a dialogue tag if it has a speech verb that directly describes the quote being uttered. So if a character says a sentence and then grins, then "He grinned" is not a dialogue tag; it's a separate sentence and should be punctuated as a separate sentence unrelated to the dialogue, like so:

    She laughed. "That's stupid."
    "You're stupid." He scowled at her.
    "Childish, are we?" She grinned. "You're amusing."

    Note that if you have a dialogue tag that also includes an unrelated action, that's punctuated like a dialogue tag because it still has a speech verb and so is still a description of the dialogue being said:

    "I'm not sure," he said, twiddling his thumbs. "Isn't that kind of dangerous?"
    "I guess," she said; her face fell.
    "Well, we'll figure it out," he said, grinning in a way he hoped was somewhat encouraging.

    And that just about covers it, except for some rare situations I won't go into. Try Googling for a grammar guide if something comes up that isn't mentioned here.

    An ellipsis is exactly three periods. Putting in more of them to lengthen the pause is something done in video games, but not in prose. If you want to show this as an especially long pause, write some narration in between that indicates this: "I know... of your goal..." The creature waited, taking a slow, leveled breath. "I know... I cannot beat you."

    Either he just opened his eyes, or he shot them open. "Shot opened" doesn't make any sense.

    Although in the rest of the prologue you refer to the creature as "it", and in your preamble you explained all legendaries are genderless in this fic, so I'm presuming this "he" was a mistake. Be careful with this sort of thing; I also find it hard to stick to calling characters "it" (and in my fic legendaries, although technically genderless, are referred to with gendered pronouns anyway), but if you're going to do it, be very careful with your proofreading so that you don't accidentally mess up somewhere.

    You really don't need to describe what Pokémon look like in this kind of detail. It's a pretty safe bet that if someone is reading Pokémon fanfiction, they already know what Pokémon look like - and if they don't, the only hope they'll ever actually have an accurate image of the Pokémon in their head is if they look up the name somewhere and find a picture, anyway. Describing Pokémon is better reserved for when there is something interesting or unusual about this particular Pokémon that's worth commenting on; the POV character wouldn't be mentally picking apart the details of what their starter choices look like if they're already familiar with Pokémon. More in-depth advice on this subject can be found here, courtesy of Negrek.

    Suddenly bringing up "the girl" as if we should already know there's a girl there is a bit jarring. If you don't want to mention her name yet for some reason, "the girl behind him" would work better.

    Presumably that should be a "he".

    Common mistake, but there shouldn't be a comma there because "raised her eyebrows" could not be a separate sentence of its own; "and" only has a comma before it if there are complete sentences on both sides (well, that and if you have a list of three items or more and use the Oxford comma).

    Here, on the other hand, there should be a comma after "you", because the "Nuria" is a direct address, and there are always commas surrounding direct addresses.

    In a story you'd generally want to write "okay", because "OK" is shorthand that doesn't really belong in prose.

    Cast. Caste is a different word.

    "Overhear" is a bit of a weird choice of wording here, since overhearing something generally refers to hearing something you aren't supposed to hear; talking loudly so that someone can overhear you seems like an oxymoron. Just use "hear".

    It's spelled "dodge".

    You forgot the space between "face" and "lit".

    This is a comma splice, or a sentence where two full sentences are separated with only a comma. Commas aren't strong enough to separate two sentences that could stand on their own, as here; you need to replace it with a semicolon or add a conjunction such as "and" after it.

    Also, "plasma" is uncountable, like "water"; you wouldn't say something turned into a water, so you wouldn't say it turned into a plasma, either. Just "turned into red plasma" would suffice.

    In the second chapter, you write "your" instead of "you're" a couple of times. When it's short for "you are", it's written "you're"; "your" means something that belongs to you.

    That would be "blood-soaked", with a hyphen.

    That should be "Well, hello, Chikorita", first because "Well" at the beginning of a sentence always has a comma after it, and then because it's directly addressing Chikorita.

    You've done this several times, but it's wrong. You've probably heard people say you should start a new paragraph with a new line of dialogue, but you only need to start a new paragraph when a new character starts speaking, because paragraphs are meant to separate topics. There is no change of topic between a character doing something and the same character saying something, so you don't need to put a paragraph break there.


    Earlier you said he didn't mind the Pokédex's color, just the nickname. So which one is it? Also, that should be "pointed it at Mudkip".


    Littleroot Town is only two words.

    Another problem with such lengthy Pokémon descriptions: by doing it that way, you bring attention to things the character wouldn't be noticing before things that he would. Edward should note them as being asleep immediately, not only after mentally describing what they look like - otherwise the reader starts imagining them there playing or standing around until you suddenly mention they were asleep all along, and the effect is jarring.


    A comma splice again. That first comma should be replaced with a colon or semicolon.

    Another comma splice, but I'm also just confused. Something clicked? What do you mean by that?

    Breath. Breath is the noun; breathe is the verb.

    You generally haven't been capitalizing moves; don't suddenly capitalize this one, especially since this is a context where you generally wouldn't capitalize it anyway (since you're using "growl" as a speech verb here).

    Well, that seems a bit hypocritical considering Chikorita seemed pretty enthusiastic about Tackling it. Just saying "Oi, don't go capturing it without asking" is okay, but with the fact she's also disdainfully mentioning the bloodying and bruising, you're just making her come off as unreasonable.

    The past tense of "throw" is spelled "threw". "Through" means going through something.

    So all in all, your spelling and grammar need some polish; you might want to get a beta-reader who can correct errors like the ones I've been pointing out here. Better proofreading, to take care of the relatively frequent typos, would also be in order.

    We don't know much about your plot yet, but it seems potentially intriguing. Are you planning to continue to post snippets of plot at the beginning of each chapter? Because that could be a good idea to keep readers interested before the main characters properly get caught up in it.

    It's nice to see you're trying to establish your characters early on, but I think you could do with being a bit more subtle with Nuria; her rudeness at the beginning seems a bit exaggerated, and at the same time you have Edward keep remarking on it, to the point that it feels like you're trying too hard to get the reader to notice. Likewise, when Chikorita berates her, not only is her turnaround quite complete - despite her usual tough manner, she gets all melodramatically "How could I have gone so wrong?!" - which already feels a bit overdone, but you also have Edward remarking in the narration on how she's sensitive deep down and so on. It feels like you're overexplaining it. Let us deduce what her character is like on our own instead of directly telling us about it quite so much.

    Also, the word "said" doesn't bite. You often seem to be going through contortions to avoid it, with words like "intoned" and repeated uses of "spoke". Generally "said" is an invisible word; nobody notices if most of your dialogue tags use it, and they're a lot more likely to notice if you keep using unusual speech verbs. Most of the time people just say things, and that's okay.

    Is there a reason Edward hasn't checked his Mudkip's gender, by the way? It feels kind of weird for him to keep referring to it as "it", especially when the first thing Nuria did was find out her Chikorita was female.

    (Have you by any chance read my fic? I'm seeing a lot of amusing similarities, but they could be a coincidence.)
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2012
  9. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Yeah, I suppose I better explain.

    Thank you so much Dragonfree for the grammar checks. They would've gone completely unnoticed by me forever if you hadn't pointed it out. Ironically, by going through to check what I did wrong, I found more mistakes. Thanks so much and I'll get onto changing them.

    But the main problem is this. I have literally two days a week for writing, and even then I have loads going on. I do want to devote more time, and I will try and find some.

    Unfortunately this means that either you all have to wait months for chapters while I proof read, etc, or you can get slightly mistaken pieces of work. PM me to tell me what you want.

    Chimpchar, I will PM you when a chapter comes out.

    Chikorita is not reasonable. There's the fun.

    While the fact he had been given a pink pokedex annoyed him, his nickname is worse. And the fact he had no choice. Loads of things.

    Actually I'm pretty sure I capitalized all the moves. Just a note for everyone, I will always capitalize them. For example,

    "Trapinch used Dig."
    "Trapinch began Digging."
    "It Dug a hole." ETC
  10. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    Looking at it again, you did capitalize them most of the time; I got the impression you weren't capitalizing because the first move you mention is noncapitalized:
    And then right after the Growling Ralts, there's
    so when I looked around after being jarred by that "Growling", that was what I saw. Sorry about that, though that still leaves those two needing fixing. (Still think capitalizing move names when they're being used as if they were common verbs sounds kind of awkward, but eh.)

    Also, basic proofreading really doesn't take that long, even if you only have two days a week to write. Careful editing can take longer, but you should be able to easily eliminate most or all typos and such errors by just reading carefully over what you've written two or three times. I'd strongly encourage you to at least make an attempt to do that.
  11. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Okay, my main goal in this chapter is to get at least two positive comments from Dragonfree. Could someone PM me and tell me how to get trainer card pictures in my posts? The FAQ does not help me at all. Hope you like this chapter guys.

    This chapter is rated pg-13. There is no violence, sexual references or profanities, but a horrible bit with mutilation.

    Chapter 3 - Storm

    The murderer looked down toward its recently dead quarry. A tear rolled down its cheek.

    “I am so sorry,” it said, nothing other than sincerity in its voice.

    It turned once. And vanished.


    Seconds later, the walls of the cavern began to crack, glowing bright orange as magma began to seep through. Soon the titan was engulfed in the pyroclastic flow as the earth began to rumble. High above, in the open air, the rain began to fall.


    The silence was deafening. And then-

    “I'm sorry, Chikorita.”

    The leaf Pokemon replied after a few seconds, regaining its composure. “At least you listened to me. It was more than what he did.” Even without asking, the two humans knew who he was.

    “Thank you. I'll be more careful next time.” Nuria held up Chikorita's Pokeball, and Chikorita melted away in a flash of red and shot back into the ball. “So,” she reasserted herself, standing upright, “looks like I caught my first Pokemon.” Her face lit up in a grin. Edward smiled too. “And I may have made things better with my Chikorita.” She looked down to her watch. “Well, that's what I call a good first hour of Pokemon training.”

    “Speaking of which,” Edward remembered, “shouldn't we be on our way? Birch said we should make it by sundown.”

    “Yeah.” Nuria nodded. She looked up. “And the sun's already setting. Come on.” She took off forward. He caught up with her soon enough. The atmosphere was tense. Something was off. He decided to break the silence.

    “So, a Ralts. Good start. Aren't they really rare around here? I thought they were native to Sinnoh or somewhere.” Nuria grinned.

    “Yeah, they are. I think they're a bit rarer now a few more have been killed off by the Luxio packs since the Shift. So,” she looked at Edward, “what Pokemon are you going to catch first? Are you going to think up a strategy or what?” Edward pondered for a moment as they walked.

    “Well, something Mudkip said earlier got me thinking. He said that with an ice attack a Swampert is almost invincible. What do you reckon he means by that?”

    “Isn't it obvious?” Nuria chuckled, “You should have paid more attention in school. When it evolves, it becomes part ground type. This means electric type moves do no damage at all, but it is left with a solitary crushing weakness.” The answer hit Edward immediately. How did I not see it before?

    “Of course. It has a four times weakness against grass attacks. And ice type moves are good against grass!” Edward beamed. An invincible Pokemon...

    “Well,” Nuria intervened, bursting his bubble, “Swamperts are quite slow actually. And you have to remember, every other trainer in this region got a choice of Torchic, Mudkip or...” Edward's heart sank. Of course, Treecko. The blinding fast wood-gecko Pokemon. If a Swampert was to battle one of Treeko's evolutions, even a Swampert as fast as Mudkip's evolution was bound to be... Well, it wouldn't be pretty.

    “So,” Nuria continued, “What you need is a Pokemon that covers Swampert's weakness. Which is grass. Grass types are weak against fire, ice, poison, flying... and bug! Which one do you want?”

    Edward furrowed his brow in thoughtfulness. He decided to change the subject.

    “So, it looks like you and Chikorita are getting along slightly better.” Nuria was silent for a moment.

    “I should have remembered.” She muttered, “Back when we were talking, she was going on about how unfair the whole trainer-catch-Pokemon thing is. She thought it took away their free will. I mean, I know the Capture Rules and all that. I would have asked the Ralts, but just after I had caught it.”

    Edward nodded. He remembered being taught the Capture Rules when he was really young. Some were basic, like 'Don't catch another trainer's Pokemon', whilst others were more loose and specific at the same time. For a trainer to begin training a Pokemon, the trainer must have the Pokemon's consent. The consent could be asked for before or after capture, but if it was asked after capture and the Pokemon refused, by law the trainer must release it.

    They walked on in silence a little longer whilst Edward thought. He looked up to the sky to see how dark it was getting. He was surprised to see the dark, swirling mass of the rain clouds obscuring the sun.

    The rain began to fall.

    Instinctively both Edward and Nuria started to quicken their step. Their clothes were more summer wear than waterproof. Funny, Edward thought, the weather forecast said nothing about rain...

    As the rain became thicker and heavier the two started to run. Edward was already wet through, and Nuria was faring no better.

    After a few minutes of running in silence, Nuria outpacing Edward by a few metres, they saw the dim lights of Odale Town. Without stopping to admire the view, the two ran through the downpour as lighting forked the sky, until they spotted a building with a red roof. A Pokemon Centre.

    The automatic doors whirled open to give them admittance. They stood, shivering and dripping, until the warmth of the building started to work its wonders. Edward looked down at himself. Soaked. Nuria too. Nuria took a fistful of her hair and held it in front of her eyes. She scowled.

    After a few seconds of enjoying the pleasant warmth, Edward noticed a group of young children positioned in a huddle around a wall television. Edward couldn't make out the sound, or too much of the picture.

    “Nuria,” he began, but she followed his gaze and nodded. They walked off toward the screen, leaving a trail of water behind.

    “...and after such an eruption both Lavaridge and Fallarbor Town are now submerged in lava. Luckily the towns had been evacuated of people and Pokemon due to the recent earthquakes that have plagued this area these past few days.”

    The tension in their air could have been cut with a knife. Edward gazed at the screen in shock. An anchorman sat at a desk with camera footage of the carnage behind him: the camera zooming in to survey the damage whilst he reported the statistics. Bright orange molten rock was streaming down from Mount Chimney, grey and white ash filling the air above as a torrential downpour fell from the swirling clouds above. At the base of the mountain the lava had pooled and filled up most of the valleys around. As the rain lashed the pyroclastic flow it vaporised, rising as steam and creating a dense fog. In one area the lava was being buffeted by sandstorm as the slow flowing liquid's heat formed glass crystals in the sand dunes. The shot changed to the lava rolling gradually into the water near Fallarbor Town, vaporising the liquid on contact. The shot changed again, to the sight of a hundred far-off flying types soaring into the distance. The reporter raised his voice, knocking Edward out of his stupor.

    “We appear to be getting information that a large object has risen out of the volcano mouth. It's fifteen, no, twenty metres long! It's a large boulder, and-” The reporter froze in mid speech. His face turned a ghostly shade of white as news reeled into his earphone. He stared at the camera in shock.

    The camera changed shot again. In absolute silence, it showed a shape flowing down the volcano atop the lava. Every being in the room gasped in absolute horror.

    Flecked in cooling rock and dripping wet at the same time was a massive creature on its stomach, dinosaur-like with blood red plating. Between the chinks formed a black pattern, but lava had flown up so many of the seams that the pattern had become almost indiscernible. Massive jutting spikes shot out from the sides of its neck, lower chest and tail. At the end of the tail, which was stuck in position high above the creature, were blood red razors, each sharper than the next. Upon its head were similar red razors, and one of the creature's gargantuan arms with cleaver-like claws hung suspended at its side. The other was submerged in the molten stew, as was its face.

    “My God.” The reporter gasped, unable to come up with any other sufficient words to describe the impossibility that was so plainly there.

    As it drew closer, moving gradually down the slope more monstrosities revealed themselves. Deep, long lacerations on its back, several gouge marks missing from its sides. Darker sections of red became visible in and around the cuts. Its armour was cracked in numerous places.

    “B-b-but,” the anchorman appeared to be struggling for breath, like all the others in the room, “i-it's... It's Groudon!”

    As soon as he said the name every trainer started out of their collective daze. Associating such a revered name, and connecting it to this madness... too much.



    “No way...”

    Were just some of the shocked mutterings born of pure astonishment. The anchorman was gibbering wildly as an overload of information came from his earpiece. But nobody was listening, each too incredulous for regular function.

    Edward fell backwards on the floor as his knees turned to jelly. 'Impossible' was written on his mind. All his life he'd heard stories, legends of an immense creature that had raised all the land on Earth. Such a creature which had been so vital to life as we know it, of such sheer strength...

    He'd only ever seen pictures, artist's impressions, but somehow he knew this was the real thing. There could be no doubt that this was the ancient Continent Pokemon. Yet it was lunacy, impossible to believe. What sort of creature could have possibly does this?

    The bellow of lighting outside startled Edward. He looked around. Nuria was on the floor too, glaring accusingly at the screen, whilst the other trainers took the news in their own ways. One young boy ran away, crying.

    Edward looked outside again, in want of any other fitting action. The deluge. Of course. Ancient tales dictated that Groudon had a nemesis. An equal. A titan of the sea, that made the oceans of the world by causing continuous and unending rain that could flood the world. But, the tale went on, Groudon balanced this by intensifying the sun's rays, causing drought. Together they kept the world's weather in balance.

    And now Groudon was... was... gone....He couldn't bear to think about it.


    The creature ignored the tumultuous cloudburst as it observed the great expanse of ocean below it. Somewhere, it knew, its prey was in hiding. Stationary at the bottom of the sea for thousands of years. The creature prepared itself. It dived.

    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
  12. overlordmewtwo

    overlordmewtwo Supreme Overlord

    Kyogre actually KILLED Groudon! Dang, that's harsh! I knew they had a rivalry, but did it really have to go THAT far?! Either way, great storyline, and I hope to see it unfold even more!
  13. Not_A_Cyberbully

    Not_A_Cyberbully Claimed Gabite

    I'm betting "The Creature" is Rayquaza! But don't tell me! I love this fanfic!
  14. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    The scene divider after the italicized portion at the beginning should presumably be in its own line.

    I think you may have misunderstood me slightly when I said you only needed a new paragraph when a new character is speaking. The main point was that paragraphs separate topics, and there is no change of topic between a character doing something and the same character saying something. Because it's the latter line that's being said by Chikorita, "The leaf Pokémon replied after a few seconds" should be in that paragraph, not the first one - otherwise you're making it sound as if Chikorita was apologizing to herself.

    I also notice you make several more blunders with dialogue punctuation in this chapter; you might want to read my explanation of it again. For example:

    "She looked down to her watch" is not a dialogue tag, because it's not a description of her saying the dialogue. Therefore, it should just be a separate sentence from the dialogue and end in a period.

    You might be able to chuckle a word or two, but you can hardly chuckle three full sentences, so again, "Nuria chuckled" isn't a description of her saying her dialogue and should not have a comma after it.

    You're breaking up a single sentence with the dialogue tag there, so the "What" shouldn't be capitalized.

    "She looked at Edward", yet again, is not a description of her saying the dialogue, so you can't separate it from dialogue by commas.

    So yeah, look into that again.

    You have a bit of a thing for really short, choppy sentences, sometimes, which can make the prose feel a bit jerky, too:

    Combining some of these to make the relation between the events they describe more apparent would make them flow better. Short sentences are sometimes effective, but in all of these passages I felt they were hurting your flow.


    The latter comma shouldn't be there - "shot back into the ball" isn't a complete sentence.

    Huh? Ralts are canonically native to Hoenn. ?_? I can't figure out what you're trying to do here; why make it seem less plausible for them to find a Ralts?

    "Swamperts". Also, there should be a comma before "actually".

    Treecko has a c, like "gecko".

    Capitalizing the Pokédex classification is at least a bit silly, don't you think?

    Again, because it's Edward saying the first line of dialogue here, that dialogue belongs in the paragraph with Edward's actions, while Nuria's silence belongs in the paragraph with her speech.

    You slip into present tense there with "refuses".

    It seems strange they didn't notice when the clouds first appeared; surely, if it suddenly grows dark, they should look up to see, if only because they're out traveling so the weather is very directly relevant to them. Or, if that was what you meant to imply was happening, it's strangely worded, because you don't bring attention to the strangeness of what's happening, instead just making it sound like he happens to look up to see how dark it is.

    Describing things as "blood red" carries an ominous connotation that doesn't fit with the fact it's, well, a Pokémon Center. Use a more neutral descriptor; there are plenty of red things that don't have those connotations.

    The warmth of the building really wouldn't start working much in the way of wonders while they're still dripping wet. Water conserves temperature better than air, so their waterlogged clothes would stay cold for a bit even after they get into the Pokémon Center. Their first concern should be getting out of their wet clothes.

    I think you might want to establish better why they go over to the television - perhaps by moving the comment about the tense atmosphere to when they step in, so that they sense there's something going on, or by having Edward explicitly think, "Maybe the news has something about this sudden storm." As it is they just kind of walk over to the TV as if the TV is the obvious place to go when you get into a Pokémon Center and are soaked through.

    Glass actually doesn't form crystals.

    There should be a space after the comma, and that should be "hundreds". That said, I don't know what you're talking about here and you don't go on to explain, so I'm kind of puzzled by this. What dotted shapes? Are they migrating bird Pokémon or something?

    Another Pokémon description that mentions routine details of the Pokémon's appearance instead of the actual clearly most noteworthy thing about the Pokémon: you go meticulously into where Groudon's body has spikes and razors, but fail to actually mention that it's dead, which is by far the most important thing about the image Edward is seeing. It should be crystal clear to us the moment it is to Edward that Groudon isn't moving and is lying limply in an awkward position with its arm just hanging there - that should be the focus of the description, rather than what Groudon generally looks like.

    That said, this isn't a bad description - it could just be better focused. You use strong, evocative words to convey Groudon's size and generally intimidating appearance, and you manage to make the general sight of it there sound as frightening as it should be. When its injuries start to show, you also continue to portray that fairly effectively. Could maybe be polished in various ways, but overall you did the horror pretty well - in many authors' hands these descriptions would have been clinical and boring, but you made them (or at least parts of them) quite visceral and memorable.

    "Ladies and gentlemen" seems a bit overly formal here - you've been trying to show the anchorman is terrified, so using a phrase like "Ladies and gentlemen" doesn't seem like something he'd have the presence of mind to do. Not overly important, but eh.

    As with "your" and "you're", "its" means something belonging to it, whereas "it's" is short for "it is". Also, bad dialogue punctuation again.

    You really don't need the last line there; the actual lines speak for themselves. Also, they should be paragraphed normally, with double spacing and all.

    Having seen artists' impressions isn't a very good way to back up his conviction that this is the real Groudon - saying they were artists' impressions is drawing attention to the fact it probably wouldn't actually look quite like the pictures. This would work better if you said something like, "He'd seen pictures - only artists' impressions, but it was still unmistakeable that this was the real thing" - then the fact they're artists' impressions is more sensibly introduced as something of a counterpoint to his conviction.

    Could have possibly done this.

    I'm presuming you're thinking of "lightning". It has an extra n.

    I think these ellipses aren't really helping you. Ellipses are meant to convey pauses, hesitation or trailing off; they're not magic wands that make your sentences more dramatic. "Groudon was... was... gone" works, implying he looks for a word and then emphasizing the one he finds; "Groudon was... was... gone..." just lessens the impact of the sentence by making it sound kind of uncertain.

    Also, punctuation always has a space after it, and I actually think this would be more effective without the "He couldn't bear to think about it"; we can already tell he's in shock, so it's unnecessary, and just the realization that Groudon is gone is a more effective closing line for the scene.

    "Stationary at the bottom of the sea for thousands of years" is not a full sentence. Sentence fragments often work well for effect - you've had several in the previous italicized bits - but I don't think it really does here. You should probably combine it with the previous sentence, e.g. "Somewhere, it knew, its prey was in hiding, still stationary at the bottom of the sea after thousands of years" or something like that.

    Kudos on getting to the point. I imagined it would take longer to get the main characters involved with the Groudon plot, what with them being beginning trainers and all, but the fact you're getting to it immediately is promising and stirs things up nicely from the otherwise fairly standard OT fic beginning.

    Also, like I said, I think you did a pretty good job describing the general horror of Groudon's body floating down with the lava - you have something of a sense of evocative word usage that I for instance completely failed at for years after I started writing. You just could have focused it better on that instead of describing exactly what Groudon looked like.
  15. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Well, two positive comments was what I asked for and what I got. Feels like a good day.

    Thanks for the spelling help. I've started to write MUST DO BETTER AT GRAMMAR with my own blood on the wall, so I think I'll get my act together.

    I just have a few points from your review that I want to defend, however:

    Ralts is rarer and in fewer areas in Hoenn than in Sinnoh. It's the same way in which Bulbapedia claim the Meditite is native to Sinnoh.

    In a forest, in deep thought, on the first day of being a trainer a person can a) simply not see the sky and b) their mind is wondering too much.

    Secondly, Birch said that they should try and make it to Odale by nightfall. Checking the sky is a way of pacing himself - too dark and they should hurry.
    I've got to disagree on that point. When one moves from a cold area, dripping wet, to a warmer area, still dripping wet, they will get warmer. Whilst the water prevents your own body heat from keeping you warm, the winds makes the water colder by evaporation, and therefore is what truly makes you cold. And yes, they would still be cold for a while, but 'for a while' would be only a few seconds.

    Yeah, they were birds. I'll change it now to make it more obvious.

    I think the description made it fairly obvious (though obviously it didn't) . As well as this, I tried to ease in the fact it was a) hurt and b) dead for effect. And we all know it's dead because of the bits before the chapters.

    The Ladies and Gentlemen bit is to make the reporter try to ready the audience. They say things like that when there is a severe news bulletin. He also hasn't talked for a while, so he has to make himself addressed again.

    He's thirteen, he'd lived his whole life seeing these pictures. To him, they were what Groudon was.

    Oops, italization doesn't carry over.

    Anyway, thanks for the reviews, and I'll get onto the changes. TTFN!
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2012
  16. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    When it suddenly grows dark, it doesn't mean some change that happens in the sky that you won't notice if you aren't looking at it; it means a shadow is cast over everything and your whole surroundings grow darker. That's pretty noticeable - especially if you're worrying about trying to get somewhere before dark, while on foot so the weather matters. It would take a lot to be so distracted you don't notice it at all.

    The point isn't that I can't tell; the point is that the way you write these descriptions, you make them extremely vague on things they have every reason to be specific about. If Edward sees birds flying in the distance, it should be pretty immediately obvious to him that they're birds, and that means it should be obvious to the reader too - you should be describing them as birds, not as "spotted shapes". Saying "spotted shapes" implies Edward doesn't know what they are and makes the reader expect some sort of followup. Likewise, if Groudon's body is floating down a stream of lava, that description should sound very different from a description of a live Groudon emerging from the lava. By focusing on details of Groudon's general appearance - spikes here, razors there - instead of the really striking thing about what Edward is looking at - that a legendary is dead - you make it sound as if the fact Groudon is dead isn't particularly interesting or important, which is just bizarre. Imagine reading this description in a crime novel:

    Your description is more dramatic than that one, obviously, but it shows the same lack of regard for the natural way a POV character would actually take in the scene. If you walk in on Mr. Smith having been shot in the head, the first thing that's going to strike you is "oh god blood he's been shot", not the clothes he's wearing or how expensive his watch is or whether he's balding. Groudon being dead is slightly more subtle than Mr. Smith having been shot, but it should still be immediately off that it's just floating there and not moving and positioned awkwardly; failing to make Edward's narration react to that accordingly and having him just describe Groudon's appearance as if nothing were more natural instead makes it sound markedly off. Easing in facts for effect is done by describing reactions and details that take a moment to come together into a big picture (say, if you focused the description on Groudon's arm hanging suspended, the fact its head is still buried in the lava, and the fact it's not moving - things you mentioned in your description but only off-handedly), not by describing irrelevant things like Groudon's spikes instead.

    Then he should compose himself first, instead of being "struggling for breath". Readying the audience for it is something you do when you've calmed yourself down - if you're panicking yourself, readying the audience isn't your first priority.

    Again, that's not the point. The point is if the narration brings up the fact the pictures he's seen were just artists' impressions, that is a counterpoint to his conviction that this is Groudon. If the pictures just are Groudon to him, he's just going to think "It looks just like the pictures" - if he thinks specifically of the fact they were only artists' impressions, that point explicitly casts doubt on their accuracy and makes it strange when the narration proceeds to act like it doesn't.
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2012
  17. Well, I have to say, your latest chapter was written better than the first two, so it's nice to see that you've been taking Dragonfree's advice, and as a reader, it makes the story more enjoyable seeing that there are less grammar mistakes, and punctuation errors.

    Getting on to the actual story itself, it's certainly captured my attention, as rarely do writers write about a legendary dying, and most people would assume that they're immortal (myself included), so this is certainly an unusual story. That being said, I'm intrigued to find out who this assassin is, and how it is that they have the ability to kill legendary pokemon. As for suggestions and corrections, Dragonfree has already pointed out most of them, so my only suggestion is to perhaps include a table of contents of sorts in the original post, where you link each chapter individually, so the reader can access them without having to search through a thread looking for them. Good luck!
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2012
  18. Scaldaver

    Scaldaver Limitless

    Ok, sorry for the wait. Thanks goes to Dragonfree for the proofreading. Without her, this'd be a very poorly written fic.

    Chapter 4

    The murderer dived deeper and deeper through the murky water. Somewhere, it knew, was the second.

    It paused, sensing a massive power above it. Then it was gone. The creature considered giving chase, but stayed where it was, turning its attention back to the eternal expanse of the icy depths.

    It dived, deeper and deeper.


    Edward didn't know how he wound up in the Pokemon Centre bedroom. He spent a few moments trying to remember as the rain lashed the windows of the small room. Then it came back to him.


    He hoped it to have been a dream, but knew that it was all too real. Something had killed the very same pokemon that had once created the land. It was impossible to conceive anything which could have even damaged such a behemoth.

    Could they still go on? With such rainfall, floods were bound to follow. Would it be safe to continue?

    Edward sat up and shook his head, attempting to expel the thoughts from his head. No use thinking about all that now. It was his second day of trainerdom. He grinned at the thought, but wasn't as enthusiastic as the previous day.

    Edward glanced out of the window at his side. The concrete on the roads was covered in about an inch of rain, and the downpour seemed harder than ever. Not a soul was in sight, and the occasional thunderbolt streaked across the sky. He jumped out of bed, and was unsurprised to find himself fully clothed. His clothes were slightly damp, but wearable. He slung his rucksack over his shoulders. He checked his pockets. Yep, the Pokeballs and Pokedex were still there. He left the room and quickly made his way back to the great entrance of the Pokemon Centre. It was much emptier since he had last been, and the bright orange and yellow tiles seemed less cheerful than they had originally been destined to be. Near the screen television, watching a news broadcast, was Nuria, fully dressed, a bowl of cereal in her hands. He walked over; she looked up.

    “Hello, sleepyhead,” she muttered as she shovelled some chocolate-covered cereal into her mouth. She nodded her head towards the screen. “It's raining everywhere on Earth. Hoenn, Sinnoh, and even Unova are issuing flood warnings.” She took another mouthful and swallowed. “Are you hungry?”

    Edward shook his head. He couldn't really stomach anything after last night. Nuria shrugged.

    “Anything else?” Edward enquired.

    “Yeah, something really strange. Some bright sparks from Kanto tried to get their fire types to use Sunny Day so their Pokemon's fire moves wouldn't be half as powerful. But it doesn't work. Neither does Abomasnow's ability or the move Hail. They reckon that without Groudon keeping the weather in balance, nothing else is powerful enough to.”

    Edward nodded. It made sense, in a twisted kind of way.

    “So,” she said, “when do you want to leave? Petalburg's on the other side of another forest, but the Centre's giving out anoraks, so we won't get as wet.” She finished her cereal, placed the bowl on the coffee table and stood up, making for the door. Edward suddenly remembered something.

    “Just a second, I've got to heal my Mudkip. Where's the nurse?”

    Nuria pointed to a large, bulky silver machine in the corner of the room. “Place your Pokedex and Pokeballs in there, and it should heal minor wounds. The nurse had to leave to help take care of some of the Pokemon which had evacuated the towns encased in rock.”

    Edward approached the restoration machine - a large, bulky piece of equipment with a small screen, a green button and seven slots. As he did, he drew out his Pokedex and single full Pokeball. There was a rectangular grove he managed to fit the Pokedex into. A boy walked past, and caught a glance of the Pokemon encyclopedia.

    “Pretty 'dex. Suits your eyes,” the stranger laughed as he walked past, causing Edward to grit his teeth. He cursed Nuria in his head, and then placed the minimized Pokeball into a hemispherical slot in the machine. He then pushed the large green button. The machine screen glowed yellow for a second, beeped, and ejected the Pokeball and Pokedex. He walked back to Nuria at the entrance to the Centre. There was a large tub of transparent anoraks by the door. They fitted one on each and walked out into the town.

    Vicious gales matched by cruel cloudburst started to tear at the trainers as they sloshed through the ground-water. Edward cursed under his breath, but it was lost in the wind. His feet were already soaked. He looked up to view the surroundings he had not taken in during his previous detour. The thinly spread out wooden buildings rattled in the wind, natural spaces of grassland becoming marshes under the deluge. More lightning forked the sky, blinding him momentarily.

    “Why are we travelling in this weather?” Edward shouted over the wind to Nuria, his voice just carrying over the gust.

    “What would we gain by staying?” Nuria shrieked back. Edward had no answer. Instead, something occurred to him.

    “Hey! You know Petalburg Forest?” Edward roared.

    “Yeah...” called Nuria.

    “It's a denser forest than yesterday's!” His voice began to get hoarse. “Maybe the wind and rain aren't as bad!”

    “What?” Nuria bellowed back. Edward just shut up, and they continued to struggle upwind toward the distant forest.

    As they neared, Edward spotted an old man blocking their direct path a few metres ahead. He stood in front of a natural opening to the woods, hunched, supported by a walking stick. His wrinkled face was mainly obscured by a long grey beard which whirled in the wind. He was encased in a large warm looking coat. Beside him a small child was sitting against a tree. No, not a small child, Edward corrected himself as he drew closer and the creature became clearer. Edward had spent enough time studying Pokedexes to know an Abra when he saw one. As they drew close to the man, who had a slight hunchback, he drew himself up and addressed them.

    “Halt!” The old man wheezed. Nuria ignored him and tried to step past. The old man moved into her way, causing her to jump back. Under her hood she glared at the elderly man, who for all the world seemed not to care.

    “I'm an official Pokemon league representative,” the man grunted over the wind. “I'm here to warn people against the vicious Luxio packs and marshes caused by the rain. I offer Teleportation to the other side with Poof here.”

    Nuria glanced at Edward, unsure. Sure, they had heard the horrible abduction stories of children stolen with Teleporting Pokemon. But, if it was their only way...

    “Obviously we can't trust him,” Nuria began, leaning in towards Edward to avoid being overheard, “he's obviously senile. He named an Abra 'Poof' for Pete's sake!” Edward nodded, appraising the old man with a scrutinizing eye. There was nothing too off about him, but still... There was no way to tell what was going on in his mind. Or was there...

    After a brief mutter to Nuria she had released her newly caught Ralts onto the wet ground in front of her, where it immediately started shivering. Nuria leaned in.

    “Sorry about this. I promise to talk to you and introduce you to myself later, but could you just check that this guy's... authentic?”

    Ralts got the hint and turned its green head to the old human. After a second of appraisal, it mumbled something quietly to Nuria so that Edward could not hear over the din of the wind and rain. Nuria nodded and recalled the Ralts. She leaned in to Edward.

    “He checks out,” she muttered. “Apparently his Abra put in a good word for him, and he's not showing any emotion that would lead us to be suspicious.” She then raised her voice so the decrepit could hear them. “Fine, you can take us.”

    The man nodded and turned to his psychic type. It rose from where it was apparently sleeping and hobbled over to the humans. It reached up and gripped Edward's hand tightly with its own. It offered a hand to Nuria. She glared at it for a second, then took it firmly.

    Suddenly they were in a heavily concreted city. Huge structures jutted out of the pavement, bright grey in contrast to the black sky. The road had filled with running water; a nearby car seemed in trouble of being carried off. Edward turned and saw he was up against a large building with a red roof. Upon the door was a laminated sign, dampened and just about readable - 'To all trainers, there has been damage to the centre's roof. This has caused flooding. Nurse out. If healing or beds are needed, come to Petalburg Forest, Petalburg entrance.'

    Edward turned back to the Abra, whose hand he was still holding tightly.

    “Could we please have a lift to the entrance of Petalburg Forest?” Edward enquired, voice raised. The bipedal fox nodded, and suddenly the buildings and pavement were replaced by trees and saturated soil. In front of them the forest seemed extremely densely packed. The Abra detached itself as Nuria started forward. Edward turned to the Abra to thank it, but it had already Teleported away.

    He pulled his hood more over his face, for it had begun to get wet, and pursued Nuria into the dense woods.

    The further in they travelled the less the rain fell on them. As well as this, the dense canopy prevented the harsh winds from freezing them. Shortly after entering, the two felt comfortable enough to remove their hoods.

    “So we've just missed out Petalburg altogether?” Nuria asked.

    “Well, the Gym there is the fifth in the region, so its Pokemon will be far stronger than ours,” Edward explained. Nuria nodded in acceptance.

    After several minutes of walking they stumbled upon a large clearing. In this clearing were multiple emergency tents, several Pokemon trainers, a mini restoration machine and a woman with a white apron and long pink hair, nervously pacing back and forth. Nurse Joy. She approached them, and as she neared Edward he could see the bags under her eyes.

    “Are you two trainers?”

    Nuria said they were.

    “Then you see that tent over there?” she asked, pointing over to one of the smaller, red tents at the side of the clearing, packed against a bush. “I'm afraid that's the only one we have to spare at the moment. You don't mind sharing, do you?” Edward reddened slightly, but before he could answer Nuria did.

    “That's fine.” She caught sight of Edward's face. “Oh, come on, Eddy! We've had sleep-overs before. What's the difference now?” And she went off toward the small tent. He could have pointed out that they had been seven, or that they had had a whole room to sleep in, not a small tent. Instead, knowing that he couldn't win this argument, he turned to the nurse and thanked her. She smiled slightly but appeared to be too fatigued to show more emotion.

    When Edward appeared at the mouth of the tent, Nuria was already in, unpacking a sleeping bag from her rucksack. She alone took up about three quarters of the room. Edward sighed, then grinned as he had an idea.

    “Nuria, I'm going to go off and train Mudkip for a while. I've had him for twelve hours and haven't raised him a level yet.”

    Nuria nodded and replied, “You probably won't find anything this deep into the woods. But yeah, I think after this I'll raise my Ralts some levels; it's only level four. It'll be damned hard to train, with it only knowing Growl and all.” Edward grinned, stood up and made his way into the dense foliage. Suddenly Nuria called to him. “And remember to try and catch a second Pokemon before a Treecko trainer finds you!” Edward sighed and continued walking. He really hadn't given it much thought.

    After wondering around in search for a minute, Edward came across another Zigzagoon, stuffing its face in a berry bush. Oh well, he thought, beggars can't be choosers. As he approached he threw Mudkip's Pokeball into the air, and the mud fish flew out in a discharge of white energy. The ball fell nearby on the floor, and Edward hurriedly picked it up. The Zigzagoon turned to face the water type and crouched into a fighting position. It looked bigger and stronger than the last one he had fought, but Edward was still all confidence.

    “Mudkip,” he called, “use Tackle!” Mudkip ran at the raccoon, but with blinding fast speed it dodged out of the way.

    “Growl!” he shouted again, determined to use the same tactics as last time. But instead of ramming the mud fish, the dog stood, wagging its short spiky tail at Mudkip. As it did so, Mudkip Growled at the Zigzagoon. The Zigzagoon flinched as the Mudkip stood up slightly straighter, distracted by the tail. Edward saw the danger, and, as the raccoon's back was turned, ordered another Tackle. It hit this time, and the Zigzagoon fell forward, motionless to the floor, not breathing. Not to be taken in by this ruse again, another Tackle was ordered, cracking something within the raccoon. It whimpered through its teeth. Taking it for knocked out, Edward nearly recalled the Mudkip, but the Zigzagoon had jumped up and rammed him with a Headbutt. Mudkip went flying.

    “Mudkip, get up!” Edward called in anxiety. He couldn't risk his only Pokemon being taken out. Mudkip stood slowly, quivering on its four legs. Something in Edward's pocket beeped, and from it he withdrew the bright pink Pokemon encyclopedia. It was flashing yellow on the small screen. On it was written-

    “MUDKIP levelled up. MUDKIP is now level SIX. MUDKIP learned MUD-SLAP!”

    Edward gasped in astonishment. Mudkip levelled up? He must be trying hard, Edward thought. He decided to try an experiment.

    “Use Mud-slap, Mudkip!” Edward commanded. Mudkip paused for a second, then turned and with slapped the ground with its fin. The earth flew at the Zigzagoon, becoming wetter as it did. The mud struck the Zigzagoon in the face and the raccooon starting to panic as its vision became obscured.

    “Tackle!” Edward called. The blind raccoon was caught between Mudkip and a group of trees. Mudkip closed the distance in seconds. The Zigzagoon was sent flying again, ramming the nearby tree. It did not get up again.

    Edward sighed in relief, then shouted over to his Pokemon.

    “Good one!” he called, expecting Mudkip to return the enthusiasm. But instead he stood stock-still, still in his combat position. It was glaring at the tree, growling quietly. Edward could hear a feint buzzing noise.

    “Mud-” Edward began, but something shot from the lower branches of the tree. A small object zoomed around the air, gaining speed, moving far too quickly for Edward's eyes to keep track of. It dashed into Mudkip, and he was thrown to the floor, blood flowing from a gash on its side. Edward's heart stopped momentarily, then he reasserted himself.

    “Mudslap... whatever it is, Mudkip,” he shrieked as the object whirled round and round and round. Mudkip slapped the ground with his fin-tail again, and thin waves of mud flew from the ground at the object. Every single bit missed as the creature appeared to speed up further, dodging the mud with ease.

    “Keep on Mud-slapping!” Edward cried, no other plan in his head. He knew they should run, but would it let them?

    Mud flew into all directions, but still the object seemed unstoppable. With a roar of “Mud!” Mudkip slapped the earth again, and a massive glob of sticky mud was sent flying towards the creature, at a speed much higher than the previous attacks. The object whirled away to dodge, but a small globule of stray mud caught it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground.

    The creature resembled the Nincada it had once been, but with gold plating on its back and a grey underbelly. Its feeler-like appendages had kept their shape upon evolution, and the small green wings had transformed into larger, translucent wings. The two wings stood erect, bound together by mud. It was wiggling them frantically, but to no avail. Edward recognised it, but panic clouded his mind.

    “Tackle it! Quick!” Edward shouted, trying to make up for lost time. As Mudkip rammed it repeatedly, Edward took out his Pokedex and pointed it at the creature. It spoke in the feminine robotic voice -

    “Ninjask, the ninja Pokemon. Evolves from Nincada at level twenty. Ninjask are rumoured to be so fast that they can dodge any attack. It can also become seemingly invisible from this speed. Ninjask is the fastest Pokemon currently on Earth.”

    Edward narrowed his eyes. Fastest Pokemon? Faster than Grovyle and Sceptile? Edward's stomach leapt even before he read the writing on the top left hand side of the small screen.

    “Type – Bug/Flying.”

    Edward gasped. The perfect combo to take down any grass type. Edward grinned as he reached his decision. This was the Pokemon for him.

    As Mudkip rammed the bug for the umpteenth time, the ninja became unstuck and flew up into the air again, just as Edward reached into his pocket for an empty Pokeball. He cursed.

    “Mudslap it again before it can escape!” Edward screamed in excitement. The Ninjask hadn't had time to reach top speed yet, and was again covered in mud. This time, though, its wings didn't glue up. It darted to the trees.

    “No you don't!” Edward gasped before throwing the Pokeball up towards the tree the Ninjask had flown towards. Ninjask sped into the thickly-leaved tree, the Pokeball sailing in less than a second after. There was an inhuman shriek within the tree,a flash of red, and the Pokeball fell to the ground. It wobbled once. Twice. Three times.

    It clicked.

    Last edited: Feb 5, 2012
  19. overlordmewtwo

    overlordmewtwo Supreme Overlord

    He just captured the fastest non-legendary Pokemon! Good show, Edward!

    And good job, Scaldaver. Good to see you put your signature Pokemon into the story. I look forward to seeing this continue. And I still look forward to discovering why the killer did what he did.
  20. Donphan Dude

    Donphan Dude Member

    Now then, the great Scaldaver making spelling errors! Oh the horror! Great story mate!
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2012

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