That's a lot of thanks, so you're welcome! XD;Here's the next chapter, with many(x10^10) thanks to The Great Butler for the Beta!
I can't put my finger on what you changed here from the beta copy, but it appears to read more clearly that they are still in the tent.So, without further ado:
“Eddy! Sorry, but you were waaaay to close.”
Edward stayed doubled sideways on the tent floor, massaging his throbbing ribs. Did he hear something break?
“Look, can I help how I move when I'm asleep?”
I notice Nuria is unusually calm right here. Feels like she's gone through a bit of character growth.“Yeah, but you were literally this close. Imagine what you'd do if you woke up to see a face like a centimetre in front of you!”
“Well, I wouldn't knee them in the chest, for one thing.”
“Look, I apologised, all right?”
Suddenly something collided into Edward's back, jolting him up straight.
“What happened?!” Mudkip yelled as Edward's hands now slid around to his back to assess the damage. Something definitely didn't feel right.
“I kneed him in the chest,” Nuria explained calmly. Mudkip's features sharpened as though to growl at Nuria, but, with a hazardous glance to the tent mouth, he turned to Edward.
Ah, there's the familiar Nuria again.“So, umm, are you okay?” Mudkip asked, his voice low.
“Not really,” Edward grumbled as he struggled to sit up. Just as he was half-way up he felt a sudden jolt, and he collapsed again, biting his lip to stop him from screaming out loud. Even so, a piercing note leapt from his throat. Dear God that hurt, he mentally screamed as his face contorted in agony.
“Eddy?!” Nuria snapped in concern. “Are you okay?”
The idea of Edward only being able to say much less than he wants to strikes me as creative for some reason. Minor, but creative nevertheless.What the hell do you think, witch, I was just kneed in the chest, tackled in the back, as I tried to get up I screamed a bit and right now I'm rolling around in agony. How the bloody hell do you think I am?
The pain, however, only permitted him a strangled “No.”
This is a curious way for them to discover Kirlia's evolution. It's a lot more creative than I was expecting.And suddenly something else was in the enclosed space, but Edward thought he must be hallucinating. It resembled a six-year-old girl, with a white tutu and long straight hair. On the other hand, her legs and hair were green, her face was paper-white and she had two red half-disks protruding on the right and left sides of her head.
“Ralts?” Nuria half-shrieked as the Pokemon advanced onto Edward. Wait, Edward thought in the tiny centre of his mind that wasn't screaming mindless obscenities, that's not Ralts.
The Pokemon knelt by Edward and put its white, two-fingered hands together, as though in prayer. As brilliant silver dust began to accumulate around the hands, Edward noticed subtle features of the Pokemon: the small, shy way in which it moved, the way it positioned itself right opposite Nuria. Ooooh, he realised all of a sudden, as the creature brought its hands apart, causing silver glitter to fall towards Edward's head, she evolved.
That's a very jarring transition, but given the context, it works.The powder just touched his face-
And suddenly he shot upright, his eyes flying open to absorb the interior of the hospital room. It was a wide space: the wall space was dominated by shelves with brightly-coloured hard-back books and various cabinets held strange-looking contraptions, stacks of paper, or more books.
That makes sense about why Heal Pulse had that effect on him. Also, Edward and Nuria's relationship comes across very well here.“Careful,” Nuria said next to him, causing Edward to jump a little. He turned, and saw her sitting curled up in a green arm-chair by his bed, just by his pillow.
“No, really, be careful. The doctor said the painkillers might make you feel energised, but you're still hurt. Lie back down.”
Not bearing to be slow, Edward dropped back into the bed, shaking the frame slightly.
“Okay then, so what happened? Last thing I remember was all this glitter.”
“Umm, okay, where to begin?” she asked herself as she balanced her chin on her palm. “Well, Mudkip ran into you, which seemed to have hurt an awful lot, so Ra- I mean Kirlia appeared and used Heal Pulse on you. You fell asleep because apparently Pokemon heal moves are knock out humans, and we took you here.”
And this is why I love Nuria. She just has so much personality.Nuria's look of confusion was suddenly replaced by a countenance of proud superiority.
“Well, let's just say I worked out what the old man said in his note.”
Edward bit his lower lip. Then it was his turn to narrow his eyes, though this time in suspicion.
“Wait, so this is Slateport? But how-?”
“Well, my friend,” she said, crossing her arms whilst keeping the victorious smile on her lips, “it was really quite simple.”
I still find this strategy of hers a little unbelievable, but it does make more sense than it did before now. Nuria is certainly one who would be creative enough to do something like this.“But Ralts can't Teleport to places she hasn't been yet, so...”
“Well, I was thinking about that while I recalled all the Pokemon and hauled you out of the tent. I was thinking that if Kirlia just had to see where we had to go, we could simply fly there.”
Nuria paused, as though to give Edward time to applaud her brilliance. Instead he looked at her blankly.
“I don't follow your logic.”
Nuria smiled deviously and leaned in.
“Well, I reasoned if she Teleported up and in the direction of Slateport, then, as we fell a bit, Teleport upwards again in the same direction until we got there...”
“Oooh,” Edward said, a drop of genuine awe in his voice as he imagined Nuria and Kirlia materialising around the cloudy sky whilst lugging around his limp body.
Oh God I love these two so much.“Yeah, there was definitely great skill and intelligence on my part,” she said, leaning back with her hands behind her head, grinning proudly.
“Yeah,” Edward said, grinning slightly himself, “like the skill required to wind someone with their knee at the break of dawn. Or to cross an ocean by Teleport-air flying when you could've got me to a hospital in seconds.”
“You know, one day you'll look back on this and laugh. Latias and Latios? No problem. Regice? Cool. A thirteen year-old girl and a level sixteen Mudkip? You're hospitalised for two weeks.”
“Ha! See? Funny! No, seriously you've been out for a day, that's all, I swear.”
Edward took a deep breath, calming the frogs which had just leapt in his stomach.
“I hate you.”
“Love you, Eddy.”
You know, I hadn't realized that about Nuria's evolutions, but it's right now that I think about it.Edward stayed down, craning his neck to look around the room.
“So,” he said after a brief silence, “Ralts evolved.”
“You know, one of these days I might even see one of my Pokemon evolve,” she said through clenched teeth, although she didn't look or sound too angry.
Talk about bedside manner, huh?Before Edward could comment, the door slid open and the doctor entered, her eyes fixed on the chart before her.
“Your spine's recovered; it was lucky that Kirlia healed that or you'd be in a wheelchair right about now. It didn't heal the rib though; it wasn't focusing on that. Luckily the water didn't stay in your lungs for too long, or sorting that out would have been tricky. The hospital's Pokemon fixed it up, but with the Pokemon healing you've already had, a full recovery of the rib would've been dangerous. You shouldn't do any strenuous activity for a few weeks, but you'll be fine. Just try not to run too often, stay out of danger, et cetera. I apologise for my hurrying but there have many incidents due to the flash floods. You may leave, and I hope you don't come back.” With that, the nurse just turned and left, the door closing quietly behind her.
Edward's speech sounds strangely formal for this scene, I think.“Well, that was...” Edward murmured.
“Yeah,” Nuria agreed, before looking up at the clock. “Hey look, it's nearly ten! Shall we leave now?”
“But,” Edward said, sweeping his arms down his body, “I am hospitalised and all drugged up. And,” he looked under his covers, “I am wearing a hospital gown.”
I still find the whole way they traveled to Slateport a little hard to swallow, especially now that we know Nuria dropped him in the ocean. How did she get him out?Nuria suddenly jumped up.
“Well, your clothes are in the corner,” she said, pointing over to his nicely folded clothes ear the radiator whilst she headed for the door.
“Hey, Nuria,” he called as she got further away, “what was that she said about water?”
Nuria had reached the door and was now standing on the other side of it, poking her head around the corner.
“Well, when Kirlia and I were Teleporting around the sky...see, it was pretty hard to hold on, and gravity made us fall the whole time...so, well, by mistake I.....I, umm... dropped you.”
Edward shot up for the third time in recent days, but before he could even say anything, Nuria had shut the door behind her.
Dropped me. She... she dropped me. Does she want me dead?
He could always get help from his Pokemon.His eyes skimmed over the room again, passing the clock.
An entire day of my journey, lost. Because Mudkip was trying to help me.
The clock ticked past another minute.
Well, what am I doing wasting more of my time? he suddenly thought, and swivelled his legs around off the bed. With his entire body leaning forward, he felt a strain on his chest – not sharp, but dulled and throbbing. How much are the painkillers suppressing the pain? Or is this as bad as it gets?
Edward pushed himself up slowly, testing the strength of his upper body. He couldn't help but wince – I can see how this is going slow me down.
Suddenly a vision popped into his head – him, being pursued by Legendaries, completely incapable of running. Then again, I'd never be able to run from a Legendary anyway, would I? It didn't fully help his already-weakened nerves, but he could at least justify not being an invalid for his mission.
This comment about his realizing his own fragility (nice callback to the chapter title, by the way) is obviously going to be important, if you ask me.There was another thing, he realised, which had begun to eat away at him. I am so easy to break. He knew it was childish to think himself invincible and all-powerful, but what Nuria had said earlier had really hit home – he'd been incapacitated by a lowly thirteen year old girl and his own, unevolved starter Pokemon. If it's so easy for them to hospitalise me then-
Edward tried to kick the thought out of his head, and went on to do what he'd learnt two nights previously – to devote his whole mind to one specific, unrelated task.
Now standing, he took a few steps – he was surprised to find he couldn't feel as much pain as before. Maybe it's just getting up and down, he thought hopefully. Unless it will feel worse after the painkiller wears off, the cynical part of his mind sneered.
I don't think it was the painkillers, Edward. I think you just had your next Legendary encounter, and something weird is going on.He was half-way to his drying clothes when he felt something behind him. He didn't know what, but there was definitely something. It was just like with Regice and Latios and Latias; it was as though all the world was concentrating in that particular piece of space behind him.
By reflex he suddenly turned, and was met by a sharp spike of pain in his ribs. His arm went to his side, covering his chest, but when he looked up the pain was all forgotten.
Hovering just above his head, two metres above the floor, sat a small, green, elf-like creature, with two short antennae with blue tips. It's wide, attentive eyes seemed to look deep into Edward's very soul, as it seemed not to register the flagrant shock on his face. Edward knew what this creature was straight away. It was one of his favourite Legends he heard as a child.
The Legend seemed to have finished appraising him, as it closed its eyes and shook its head, frustration evident in its tired expression.
“Still too early!” a pure, reverberating voice echoed from everywhere.
And then it was gone.
Edward stood, transfixed, staring into empty space before him.
Please tell me that was the painkillers.
I probably would have reacted the same way lol.“Yeah, but you were literally this close. Imagine what you'd do if you woke up to see a face like a centimetre in front of you!”
I'd love to see you expand on that more in future chapters. It's always really excited me to see the different way's Pokemon moves and or medicine can be used on humans and what adverse effects may arise. Glad to see you're of the same persuasionmean Kirlia appeared and used Heal Pulse on you. You fell asleep because apparently Pokemon heal moves are knock out humans, and we took you here.”
She's such a smart alick sometimes. Love itYou're hospitalised for two weeks.”
That was actually quite well done. I love when fics delve into medical aspects and the problems and restrictions that go along with them. After what Edward went through, there is obviously going to be ramifications and I'm glad you dont subscribe to the theory I see sometimes on boards where characters suffer injuries with no lasting effects. Nice realistic touch.Your spine's recovered; it was lucky that Kirlia healed that or you'd be in a wheelchair right about now. It didn't heal the rib though; it wasn't focusing on that. Luckily the water didn't stay in your lungs for too long, or sorting that out would have been tricky. The hospital's Pokemon fixed it up, but with the Pokemon healing you've already had, a full recovery of the rib would've been dangerous. You shouldn't do any strenuous activity for a few weeks, but you'll be fine. Just try not to run too often, stay out of danger, et cetera. I apologise for my hurrying but there have many incidents due to the flash floods. You may leave, and I hope you don't come back.” With that, the nurse just turned and left, the door closing quietly behind her.
Is there any particular reason why you're using 'I am' so often instead of 'I'm'? It doesn't bother me too much, but reading it so quickly back to back makes it a tad bit tedious. You dig?Edward said, sweeping his arms down his body, “I am hospitalised and all drugged up. And,” he looked under his covers, “I am wearing a hospital gown.”
It's almost as if he wants to wish Celebi away even though it is something he wants. Hell, knowing Edward I feel like he would look for any possible reason to force himself to believe it was real. Interesting.Please tell me that was the painkillers.
Thanks for the quick response, Dragonfree! I would have replied this morning, but stuff dragged on (I did, incidentally, see (and hate) Pokemon heroes for the first time).Hey. Nice to see you still at it. Some brief comments on the last couple of chapters; it's late and I don't have the energy right now to do a very thorough or structured review:
I still like how Edward and Nuria interact, although I kind of cringe when he starts mentally calling her a 'witch' or whatever.
While having characters be properly hospitalizably injured instead of just chugging on even as they go through things that would kill a normal human being several times over is cool, you kind of went too far in the other direction here. Nuria kneeing him while lying down should probably not break his rib, nor should Mudkip be able to break his spine simply by charging into his back, unless he has severe osteoporosis or something.
I'm pretty sure hospital painkillers are generally opioids, which are sedatives - Edward should definitely not be energized by them.
A doctor and a nurse are two different things, so when you describe the woman who comes in to explain Edward's injuries as a doctor and then moments later as a nurse, it doesn't really make sense.
The paragraph you have on contests in chapter 17 seems really extraneous - you only have Edward notice the Contest Hall in the first place so that he can mentally explain that contests are stupid and then move on to the next thing and never bring it up again. Without knowing what was actually going through your head, I can't help but get the feeling you were just voicing your own opinion on contests there. Either way it doesn't really seem to belong. If Edward and Nuria thinking contests are stupid becomes relevant later, you can bring it up then.
Edward seems a bit oddly overenthusiastic about battling here, especially what with it managing to seriously distract him from an instance of Pokémon abuse that he clearly finds disturbing. It's not like he hasn't battled for weeks or something (unless you meant to imply a timeskip between chapters 16 and 17), so it shouldn't be quite this important to him, I would think.
I'm intrigued by how you're actually doing stuff with the Pokémon treatment issue; Bayleef is turning out eerily right about things. Hope this is leading into further tackling of the matter.
Sh*t got way more real.Millions? Thousands, he could imagine, but... millions. Edward's mind became a kaleidoscope of horrors – families drowning, children, newly orphaned, screaming for their parents whilst mothers and fathers mourned their losses.
After all they did for me...[/]
The bolded bit seems a little info-dumpy. Perhaps you could just have her say that Terrence Pancel said he'd kill the legend-killer, and then Edward would gasp and say, "Hoenn's champion? The one with a big, freakin' Moltres?", or something like that. Also, the sentence is missing a double-quote to end Nuria's lines.The other thing,” she said, picking up the pace – Edward hadn't even noticed them slowing, “is that Terrence Pancel – you know, Hoenn's champion - declared that he'd hunt down whatever killed Groudon and Kyogre and kill it.
Technically, you don't have to change paragraphs if the same person is speaking, so this bit could all be merged like so:“Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored.
“How did you...?” Edward left the question hanging in the air.
I liked that you show not all trainers are scrupulous. I read it as a subtle way of pointing out that the way the games show trainers is overly black-and-white (ironically, Black and White are more mature in this respect by making Team Plasma hypocrites), but I assume you were simply trying to show that some people are *ssholes.“Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored. He began to ask, “How did you...?”, but left the question hanging in the air.
Again, this bit feels a little unwieldy, and the 'it's' should be an 'its'. Try lopping off the bit after 'the little Mudkip' and making that a new sentence: "Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair, that formed a mane around its face." The tense switch midway is also a little disconcerting.The beast towered above the little Mudkip, it's blue skin almost fully covered with navy hair, forming a mane around its face
Aaaaaand you're my new best friendGotta say, Scaldy,
Hmm, Ihaven't read that fic, but thanks for the praise! Scaldaver was originally the name of the main Protagonist in a story I'd like to write before I realised 'v's were fairly overused and the name sounded too stereotypical (I intened the 'Scal' to both mean 'scale' and 'scald').this is shaping up to be on par with other epicfics I've read, like The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World. That's one of the best fics I've ever read so that's some pretty high praise from me Also, Scaldaver sounds like a combination of scald (as in burned by boiling hot water) and cadaver (a corpse).Maybe you could kill someone off by having them drown in boiling hot water? I have a gruesome and demented mind.
Yeah, I always toyed with the idea of these moves actually doing something better than affecting move powers. I always thought 'Shouldn't these moves screw with the ecosystem? What if someone uses Sunny Day in the Arctic, would the world flood?'.I like the touch of amping up Sunny Day and Rain Dance all the way, so that they're now quite possibly the most powerful moves known to mankind. But shouldn't Rayquaza be able to Air Lock all this? Oh wait, it ran - flew? - away. Damn, there goes my plothole.
You forgot to close the italics tag properly.
Never thought about that before. I'll make suitable changes.The bolded bit seems a little info-dumpy. Perhaps you could just have her say that Terrence Pancel said he'd kill the legend-killer, and then Edward would gasp and say, "Hoenn's champion? The one with a big, freakin' Moltres?", or something like that. Also, the sentence is missing a double-quote to end Nuria's lines.
There's always that little vain guy in power, isn't there?That aside, I worry for the poor man. Really. Moltres against something that decimated Groudon and Kyogre and scared Rayquaza into hiding? I pity Moltres.
How so?By the way, the legend-killer seems an awful lot like Deoxys.
*Cackles maniacally*Also, I love how Edward is pissed with the public for going, "Ooh, Rayquaza! Never mind that it's actually scared out of its mind, let's track it down and make a documentary!" Rayquaza is already pretty nervy from the killer, so what happens when a bunch of humans with cameras come running after it? I anticipate severe consequences ...
I'll not sure whether or not to take you up on that suggestion. I just wanted to make it seem like a new topic was introduced.... I'll re-read and decide.Technically, you don't have to change paragraphs if the same person is speaking, so this bit could all be merged like so:
Well, one of my main objectives of this fic is to break down stereotypes, and I'm glad it's working for everybody!I liked that you show not all trainers are scrupulous. I read it as a subtle way of pointing out that the way the games show trainers is overly black-and-white (ironically, Black and White are more mature in this respect by making Team Plasma hypocrites), but I assume you were simply trying to show that some people are *ssholes.
OOh, sorry, that is rather ugly. I'll change it.Again, this bit feels a little unwieldy, and the 'it's' should be an 'its'. Try lopping off the bit after 'the little Mudkip' and making that a new sentence: "Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair, that formed a mane around its face." The tense switch midway is also a little disconcerting.
Thanks for all the compliments! The new chapter should be out soon, so I hope you enjoy that too!Aside from those grammar-y nitpicks (I'm a Grammar Nazi, what do you expect?), this was another good chapter. The first part is cleverly disguised exposition, and the battle in the second part was fantastically well-written. Especially the way you made Luxray so menacing, seeing as it's a pretty awesome Pokemon. Plus, Edward is still conflicted inside. We'll see how this gets resolved later on, perhaps?
And finally, that intriguing little sign-off was possibly one of the most minimalistic cliffhangers I've seen. No build-up at all. Just a forest, a tree stump, and an unknown Pokemon. That single word - "almost" - hits you with so much power. It's like being whacked in the face with a car. I assume that was Celebi?
Whoever the mystery Pokemon was, this fic continues to reek of intrigue and suspense. The epic-ness is finally beginning to show itself, and now I leave you with a slightly modified quote from God only knows who: Oh, Scaldy, Scaldy, what a tangled web of legends you weave.
I think it would just have been awesome if you spent more time on this piece of, what I assume to be, cryptic foreshadowing. It was really short and snappy, while it's true I think it's good you didn't add fluff for the sake of length, possibly maybe really get into the details and depth of things with this scenes would have been more enticing for the reader. It would hype up the reader for the future reveal of what this just mean, while I'm somewhat interested I really think you could do more with this scene to peak my interest more than what you did.The murderer looked down toward its recently dead quarry. A tear rolled down its cheek.
“I am so sorry,” it said, nothing other than sincerity in its voice.
It turned once. And vanished.
There really is no need for the "the" in "the rain." I personally would just say rain began to fall since it makes the sentence less wordy. Watch out for little moments like that, it makes your description and words flow better.High above, in the open air, the rain began to fall.
More unneeded "the"s.He was surprised to see the dark, swirling mass of the rain clouds obscuring the sun.
The rain began to fall.
Center*A Pokemon Centre.
"Lavaridge."“...and after such an eruption both Larvaridge and Fallarbor Town are now encased in lava.
"Anchorman."An archorman sat at a desk with camera footage of the carnage behind him.
Remember to use commas with items in a series, "Bright, orange, molten rock....."Bright orange molten rock was streaming down
Remember, "vaporizing" is how it's suppose to be spelled. Also is there anyway this description can be delivered without it coming off as a block of info-dump? While it's not a huge cause for concern and might not be relevant to your current skill level since this is just Chapter 3 I'm reviewing and you have released a far more immense amounts of chapters, that's just something I wanted to point out.Bright orange molten rock was streaming down from Mount Chimney, grey and white ash filling the air above as a torrential downpour fell from the swirling clouds above. At the base of the mountain the lava had pooled and filled up most of the valleys around. As the rain lashed the pyroclastic flow it vaporised, rising as steam, creating a fog. In one area the lava was being buffeted by sandstorm as the slow flowing liquid's heat formed glass crystals in the sand dunes. The shot changed to the lava rolling gradually into the water near Fallarbor Town, vaporising the liquid on contact. The shot changed again, to the sight of a hundred far-off flying types soaring into the distance. The reporter raised his voice, knocking Edward out of his stupor.
Same thing here, it just comes off as listing. While there's nothing wrong with listing once in a while in my opinion, intermixing description and detail with general things works better without unengrossing(Not a word ) the reader from what else you have going on.Flecked in cooling rock and dripping wet at the same time was a massive creature on its stomach, dinosaur like with blood red plating. Between the chinks formed a black pattern, but lava had flown up so many of the seams that the pattern had become almost indiscernible. Massive jutting spikes shot out from the sides of its neck, lower chest and tail. At the end of the tail, which was stuck in position high above the creature were blood red razors, each sharper than the next. Upon its head were similar red razors, and one of the creature's gargantuan arms with cleaver-like claws hung suspended at its side. The other was submerged in the molten stew, as was its face.
I think this would all have a bigger impact and be better if you showed it rather than told. Nothing wrong with telling in drab scenes or scenes that aren't relevant to the story at hand but having some dialogue between Edward and Nuria or reading both of the kids' internal thoughts so we can see them weigh in on Groudon would have been better imo.He'd only ever seen pictures, artist's impressions, but somehow he knew this was the real thing. There could be no doubt that this was the ancient Continent Pokemon. Yet it was lunacy, impossible to believe. What sort of creature could have possibly does this?
Edward looked outside again, in want of any other fitting action. The deluge. Of course. Ancient tales dictated that Groudon had a nemesis. An equal. A titan of the sea, that made the oceans of the world by causing continuous and unending rain that could flood the world. But, the tale dictated, Groudon balanced this by intensifying the sun's rays, causing drought. Together they kept the world's weather in balance.
And now Groudon was... was... gone....He couldn't bear to think about it.
Brofist!In my opinion, any fic with a legendary killer is awesome.
I couldn't find any errors when I read through the chapter. However after a great amount of theorizing and research, I was able to discover the identity of the legendary killer-
A genetically modified Magikarp! =)
Sure thing!Anyway, could I be added to the PM list?
That should be "breath."Chapter 17
After sluggishly getting dressed and popping to the toilet, Edward slowly descended the marble stairs, gripping the handrail as tightly as possible. Why is everything so damn painful?
Finally getting to the bottom floor, Edward had to stop for a second to catch his breath. He couldn't breathe as deeply without a sharp jab of pain, so took as small a breathes as his ribs could allow. Taking one last little gulp of air, he looked toward the door; sure enough, Nuria was standing there, both his and her rucksack slung over each of her shoulders.
I like that little gesture of kindness Nuria showed Edward just now.“Thought I'd lighten your load,” Nuria said with a smile, holding out five miniaturised Pokeballs and a pink Pokedex. He took and pushed them into his pocket, then raised his eyebrows as Nuria produced a small, clear tube containing many white pills. “Painkillers,” she elaborated, “from the nurse.”
This is something I think gives this story a unique quality - the setting you're using. It's important to remember the apocalyptic events going on, and that description of Slateport's ghostly qualities captures it perfectly.“Thanks. So,” he said, stepping through as the automatic door opened, “where are we going?”
He looked around as he got outside. He'd never been to Slateport before, but had it been a sunnier day it would have been easy to imagine this as a popular tourist destination: beyond the light, tiled paths that wound around various market places, a great expanse of golden sand lay undisturbed by the beach.
But there was also a ghostly quality about the area: the various stalls looked rotting and abandoned, litter lay undisturbed and sopping wet along the pavement, and the golden sand looked depressingly filthy next to the still, grey ocean, there being no sunlight to brighten the place up.
That is heavy, and it did hit me with the kind of impact I think you intended, but wouldn't global weather disasters on this scale kill even more than that? Tens of millions, even?“Well, unless you want to compete in those ridiculous contests or Battle Tents, we should head towards Mauville – that's where the next gym is.”
“Yeah, Mauville,” Edward said distractedly, still looking over the depressingly drab landscape. Nuria saw the look in his eyes and looked around as well.
“You know,” she said softly, “the news said, globally, roughly a million people have died. Through floods and rock slides. That's why we're doing this... to help people.”
A key word punctured Edward's chest. Millions? Thousands, he could imagine, but... millions. Edward's mind became a kaleidoscope of horrors – families drowning, children, newly orphaned, screaming for their parents whilst mothers and fathers mourned their losses.
"self-centered," though I think I know why you wrote it the way you did.What's wrong with me?
Edward knew that, merely a few days previous, news like that would have floored him, made him sob for hours on end. But, even though he knew he should, that he wanted to, no tears sprang to his eyes. Am I really that self-centred now? That I only feel sad if something directly affects me or- NO!
The writing rambles a slight bit here, but that's okay, because Edward's thoughts are clearly not proceeding in an orderly fashion. In that sense, the way you wrote this section helps the reader tune into what's going on.“Nuria!” Edward gasped suddenly, as though all the air had been knocked from his lungs, “my parents, your-”
“No, no they're fine,” Nuria said quickly, trying to sport a supportive smile. It looked odd on her. “I checked with my Mum about Littleroot – everything's okay, although a bit soggy.'
Edward tried to calmly breath in, but he couldn't steady his raging pulse. Mum...Dad... He knew it was childish – the apprehension that one's parents were invincible. But suddenly it became apparent to him – if the world died, so would they. After all they did for me...
He steeled his mind, trying to remember his sanity tactic from before – to distract himself. To leave no room in his head to think about the future. To flit seamlessly between random thoughts, so he wouldn't even remember choosing to forget. But how? The whole city looked dying, and-
Hmm. The tone shift to a more trainer-oriented one feels a little odd. I wonder if you could somehow connect the previous topic with this one a bit more clearly somehow.“Wanna know something exciting though?” Nuria asked, almost shattering the negative mood. Instantly Edward latched onto the conversation, trying his best to absorb every syllable. “They say the route to Mauville is clogged with trainers. You know what that means?”
In spite of himself, Edward found himself smiling ever so slightly. Battles. Actual Trainer battles.. Shocked, Edward realised that he's only had three proper trainer battles: twp against Gym Leaders and one against Nuria. How have I only had three? That had been the reason for him starting his journey, anyway. And hadn't Latias said he should train his Pokemon, to make them a better, more cohesive unit?
Nuria's reaction is appropriate here, I think, as Edward does seem to be underplaying Celebi quite vastly.“Yeah,” he said, his smile more pronounced. “By the way, I saw Celebi in my room upstairs.”
Nuria looked at Edward.
“Yeah. Did the nurse say anything about hallucinations? Because of the painkillers?”
“No, nothing like that.” Nuria crossed her arms. “So, what did it say? Or did it just pop in to say hi?”
“It was strange. It just looked at me and said 'Still too early', then disappeared.”
Nuria narrowed her eyes in thought.
“You're oddly calm about this, considering everything.”
Of course, that probably means that Celebi will turn out to be the exact opposite.“Yeah. Maybe I'm getting used to it.”
“So, a time-travelling Legendary looks at you then says 'too early'? You know what that means?.”
“That I'll meet it one day in the future? My thoughts exactly,” Edward agreed, nodding.
“But when?” Nuria asked.
“You know what? With all that's going on... I don't think I feel scared about an encounter with Celebi. It didn't seem scary or angry. A nice change, you know?”
I'm kind of glad to get out of that hospital scene, because it was beginning to drag due to Edward underplaying Celebi's importance.“But still,” Nuria continued, “it is looking for you in a particular time. Aren't you curious to know when this is going to happen?”
“Sort of. Maybe the painkillers just null my sense of curiosity or something. I'm more excited, just at the moment, about doing some actual battles. Considering we have two gym badges, we haven't really done that much training.”
“Yeah,” Nuria said, and, taking his arm, started walking around the Pokemon centre to the path beside it. He was thankful for this; walking still hurt slightly, and with Nuria holding him up slightly he could almost feel nothing. Almost.
"They were walking in silence."They walking in silence, looking at the city which, due to the bleak, grey sky, looked dull and dead. Besides a harbour, museum and workshop, Edward spotted the contest hall at the opposite of the city, it's red, ribboned exterior doing little to make the scene any more pleasant.
Wouldn't "agreed on" sound better than "agreed with?"Out of the few things he and Nuria had agreed with in their childhood, their views on contests were the same. Stupid. A complete distraction from the badge-quest. They'd both watch contests on the TV, laughing at the ridiculously dressed individuals who pranced around like fairies while pompously groomed Pokemon would jump up and down. They'd turn the sound off and commentate to make each other laugh.
I love this idea. It's a great way to expand upon the base of the controllers of the weather being gone.After a while of walking, Edward found a way of walking which took the pain off his rib – it was awkward, yes, but it helped, and soon he was able to walk without Nuria, and he was even able to take his rucksack back.
As the forest came into view, Edward thought of something.
“What else did the news say?” he asked.
“Actually, quite a lot – some interesting stuff really. First, it's become illegal to use weather-affecting moves like Sunny Day and Rain Dance-”
“Why?” Edward asked, startled at that news.
“I'm getting to that! Anyway, they banned those moves because the effect is immense. Literally, a Ninetales somewhere in Orre used Sunny Day, and the intense heat that followed nearly hospitalised an entire city until the effect wore off. Then some bright spark in Kanto got his Milotic to use Rain Dance, and just like that," she clicked her fingers, "Pallet Town is submerged.”
That seems a little arbitrary. I'm surprised that what sounds like a newly-enacted emergency measure seems to have a specific punishment in place already.“Whoa,” was all Edward could say.
“Whoa indeed,” Nuria nodded, “so now anybody who uses these moves will be arrested for at least a month. People still do it – the idiots who don't read the news or the rebels who think they're cool.”
That's a good way to introduce him. I'm sure he'll have a role to play later.“Any reason for this?” Edward asked, still dumbfounded.
“Some random scientists in Unova think that, without Kyogre or Groudon keeping balance, any weather effect has a comparably larger effect. Well, it's just a theory. The other thing,” she said, picking up the pace – Edward hadn't even noticed them slowing, “is that Terrence Pancel declared that he'd hunt down whatever killed Groudon and Kyogre and kill it.
“Suppose that's a reasonable threat, considering he's 'The marvelous champion of the Hoenn Region, his bravest feat being the capture of the legendary Moltres',” Edward intoned sarcastically, imitating a news broadcaster. Nuria didn't seem to see the funny side.
First ever photographic image? Is it correct to assume, then, that the events of the games did not happen, meaning none of the player characters ever saw Rayquaza?“More like a publicity stunt if you ask me. And a stupid one, considering what we know. The last bit, not really that important, is that they've started to monitor Rayquaza.”
“Oh. Wait, what?” Edward's senses sharpened as the comment hit him.
“Yeah. You know how the stories go: that Rayquaza would calm the fight between Groudon and Kyogre?”
“Sure,” Edward nodded impatiently, hoping she would hurry up. Who in Hoenn hasn't grown up hearing that legend?
“Well, you know in the picture books it would appear and the sky would clear? Well, grey clouds cover the whole world – except for one moving hole in the sky. Someone enhanced the image and saw the first ever photographic image of Rayquaza. So they're tracking it – making it like a TV show.”
Possibly a last-in-a-lifetime opportunity.“That's... that's just weird. They're just... filming it? Like it's a circus act? But it's running – can't people see it doesn't want to be followed?”
“Since when has anyone cared about stuff like that? According to the news, there has been lots of criticism from the RSPCP to leave it alone, but nobody really cares. They're too excited, I mean, it's a real, living legendary – for most people its a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
Interesting. I guess that will be followed up on sometime?“'For most people',” Edward echoed dryly. Nuria let out a snort, and they continued walking for a while in silence, and in the distance Edward could make out the wide, beaten track saturated with people and Pokemon, the latter jumping around and running at each other. Far-off muffled sounds of battle soon evolved into the shouts of attacks, commands and encouragement.
Just before entering the entering the route boundary, Nuria stopped and turned to Edward.
“What do you say, meet back here at the end of the day?”
“Seriously?” Edward asked, grinning with excitement. “What about Mauville?”
“Meh – Mauville can wait – we'll stand a better chance again the gym if we train more.”
“Sure, meet here at five?” Edward asked, already taking a step into the route. Almost as soon as he had crossed the threshold of the route, a red-faced, sweaty young boy bounded over to him.
“I challenge you to a battle!” he yelled, holding out his Pokeball. Edward smiled at the challenge, reaching into his pocket for a Pokeball. Now this is what it's all about. This is why I wanted to be a trainer.
Deciding on a Pokeball, he withdrew and threw it high into the air – he was immediately met by a sharp pain in his torso, but he managed not to show it. The sphere burst open at the peak of its arc, and white light burst forth onto the floor, quickly solidifying into a surprised looking Nincada. However, at the sight of all the other trainer, he steeled himself and scratched his dark-brown claws.
As the Pokeball bounced back into Edward's outstretched hand, Edward's opponent bit his lip in indecision. Then, breaking into a smile, he picked out a Pokeball and threw it forward, a Combusken releasing itself onto the damp, dirt path. It hopped on the spot, its clawed feet scratching at the earth as its long, clawed arms flailed around. Edward's eyes widened. Is everyone's starter evolved but mine?
Jolting him back to his senses, Edward took out his Pokedex and looked up his party page. He read off their levels – Nincada – 16, Zubat – 13, Mudkip – 16. It should have evolved by now! Edward thought exasperatedly.
Ooh, I like that bit of consistency regarding what Nincada's been digging through.“Ember!” the trainer shouted, and instantly the beak-faced fire-type spat flaming hot pieces of ash at the insect, causing Nincada to shriek and jump back. That looked like it hurt, Edward noted, just before shouting his first command.
“Stay safe! Use Dig!”
Nincada, having just been digging on pure rock, dug through the soft earth with no problem, and instantly disappeared through the ground.
"the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery" is a bit repetitive. You could probably drop the "in savagery" part, making it "the ferocity of each slash grew."“Focus Energy!” the trainer yelled, the shade of his face getting darker red. Combusken planted its feet flat on the ground and bunched its hands into fists, the claws somehow managing not to pierce its skin. It brought it's arms up, and tensed its entire body, growling as it did.
“Now!” Edward roared, and immediately the ground below the fire-type collapsed, causing it to squawk, stumble and fall. “Fury Swipes!” Edward called, and Nincada's burst from the ground became a flurry of violent slashes with his front claws, mauling the fowl's legs. Edward noticed how the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery. He also hacked away for much longer than usual – He looks... angry? Edward realised. There was also something different with his eyes – they were narrowed, and his sharp jaws were bared.
You should probably use a word or term other than "embers" to describe the Ember attack. That's just to make sure everyone knows exactly what it is if they do not know what an ember is already.“Double Kick it away!” Edward's enemy shouted hurriedly, and suddenly Nincada was sailing through the air before scraping to a rough stop on the damp earth. Before Edward could utter another command, however, Nincada jumped back up and turned towards the fire-type.
“Ember!” the trainer shouted, a clear tone of excitement in his voice.
“Dig,” Edward said in desperation, and Nincada disappeared below ground just before the embers hit.
I feel like the other trainer should have done something more to protect Combusken from the weak point on its leg, given that Edward gave him a large advance warning about it.Okay, what to do? Edward thought. He quickly looked at the Combusken, knowing there was little time left until its trainer ordered another attack. It looked a lot more attentive than it had at the beginning of the battle – obviously the bug was not as easy to squash as it expected. It was no longer jumping around, but stood guarded, glaring at the floor, one long arm covering a wound on its left leg, only partially hiding the crimson blood against the orange feathers.
“Nincada, see that cut on Combusken's leg? Use Dig and aim for that!”
Nincada little head suddenly popped its little head from the newly-dug hole, nodded in understanding, then disappeared downwards again.
“Bulk Up!” the other trainer shouted, his grin disappearing slightly. Combusken began flexing its muscles, its eyes and beak closed in concentration.
Nincada once again broke through the ground beneath the young fowl Pokemon, tackling it in its left leg.
I think you are missing a word between "and" and "red-hot."“Fury Swipes,” Edward called, trying to keep his voice even. This is so cool!
“Jump away and use Ember!” his opponent shouted before Nincada could leave more than three scratches. His Pokemon crouched to jump, but it was obvious from its scrunched-up face that the exertion took its toll. Even so, the fire-type bounded out of the insect's reach, stumbled slightly, opened its mouth, and red-hot embers streaking out at Nincada. Nincada screamed and tried to roll out of the way, but all the Combusken had to do was turn its head or take a step forward to continue the fiery onslaught. Nincada simply wasn't fast enough to escape.
Well now, that was quite the surprise. A Luxray in Hoenn, owned by a trainer who for all appearances looked to be fairly new. Great twist.“Dig! Dig!” Edward screamed, but to no avail. Either Nincada couldn't hear him, or he physically couldn't tunnel any further. After a few more seconds of obvious agony, Nincada collapsed, his energy spent.
Combusken stopped immediately, and began taking long, deep breaths, one arm slung across its chest and the other clutched to its leg. It didn't look too hurt, though, more tired. How many battles has that thing fought today? Edward wondered as he recalled Nincada.
“Mudkip, go!” Edward shouted, and soon the energetic blue pup burst out of the white plasma, crouching into a concentrated pouncing pose. “Water Gun!”
Mudkip stood up straight then leaned back, as though summoning his energy for the blast.
“Double Kick!” the other trainer yelled in desperation, and the Combusken ran forward, wincing every time it landed on its left leg.
Edward couldn't help but smirk. Does he really think Combusken could attack before Mudkip does?
If anything, all the Combusken's advance did was hurt the fowl further and bring it closer to Mudkip. Mudkip's Water Gun, far more powerful than anything the mud fish had done previously, knocked the Combusken flying, landing in a crumpled heap. It steadily got up, quaking, but another short burst of water put the fire-type down for good.
Edward's opponent stomped his feet a few times in frustration and recalled his Pokemon. Then he produced something Edward hadn't expected – an Ultra Ball. Dear God what's in that? Edward thought in both horror and amazement. Surely he hasn't been able to catch anything that powerful this early on?
The ball opened, and the Pokemon formed. Edward's jaw dropped.
The beast towered above the little Mudkip. Its blue skin was almost fully covered with navy hair that formed a mane around its face. Its strong forepaws, half furry and half blue and yellow striped, ended with great, clawed paws, like its hind legs. The most terrifying feature, however, was its eyes – yellow pupils and iris with the surrounding red 'whites'.
How the heck did he manage to catch a Luxray? Edward thought in awe.
I get the feeling this kid has won a lot of other battles through sheer intimidation with his Luxray like this.The lion reared itself to full height and bellowed an ear-splitting roar at the comparatively insignificant Mudkip. The mud-fish stood, petrified, for a few seconds, taking in the scene of nightmares, then yelped and ran away to behind Edward's legs were he lay shaking, hiding his eyes with his front paws. Edward noticed many of the other trainers and Pokemon stopping their battles and looking over to the beast.
“Umm, you win, I give in,” Edward said nervously, eyeing the titan whilst thinking of his water and flying-type Pokemon.
“Yeah, thought you would,” the other trainer crowed, beaming wildly at all the attention he was receiving. The Luxray growled softly at the sound of its trainer's voice – and not in a kind way. It looked nervously around it, as though ashamed to be there. Still smiling confidently, the trainer withdrew the electric-type and walked over to Edward. “Good battle,” he said, a little too pompously for Edward's taste.
Oh yeah, Bayleef would have a field day with this kid.“Yeah,” Edward said evenly, extending a hand which the trainer promptly ignored.
“How did you...?” Edward left the question hanging in the air.
“Luxray? Caught her sleeping on the Route 102.”
“Sleeping? And it said it didn't mind being caught?” Edward asked, flummoxed. The other trainer winked knowingly at Edward.
“Well, does it really matter if I didn't educate her on certain trainer rules?” he asked, a hint of mirth in his voice.
Edward couldn't react for a second. The mere thought of what Bayleef would say – would do silenced him. He knew what the trainer had done was illegal, and shamefully so, but what could he actually say?
Aha, Nuria, you wouldn't mind doing that, would you?“Yeah,” Edward laughed awkwardly, eyeing the trainer, trying to recall his every feature. He made to leave, but suddenly remembered something. “Umm, so, what did you say your name was again? So I can search for your Pokedex number and ring you and stuff.”
“Tony Flitch. And you?”
“Edward. Edward Lance. Well, uh, see you later, Tony Flitch,” he tried to smile naturally but assumed it looked too false, and quickly hurried away, taking little time to recall Mudkip.
He looked around, skirting around battles trying to find Nuria. Although his movement was severely limited by the pains in his chest, he soon saw her near a copse of trees, training her eyes like an eagle on the surrounding plethora of battlers. When Edward appeared she jumped slightly, as though being shocked from a daze. Without giving her time to speak, Edward quickly muttered what had happened. For a few moment after she stood looking into thin air, her eyes narrowed in anger
“Should I sick Bayleef on him?” Nuria asked, a hint of hope in her voice.
Ooh, neat, a cliffhanger. I wonder if it was Celebi or a different Legendary.Hiding in the inky blackness of shadows behind a rotting tree stump, a small, unnoticed creature trained its eyes on the young boy skirting around the medley of Pokemon and humans.
“Almost,” it muttered to nobody.
And then it was gone.
Thanks for the chapter review -and such a hefty one it was too! Thanks for all the compliments, and I did make those corrections (ahh, TGB, what would I do without you?). I do see a few of your points - some of the logic here may be stretched slightly (like the definite punishment for new law), but I reckon this would be how people would react (and even then I'm not a very good people person, so...)That should be "breath."
I like that little gesture of kindness Nuria showed Edward just now.
This is something I think gives this story a unique quality - the setting you're using. It's important to remember the apocalyptic events going on, and that description of Slateport's ghostly qualities captures it perfectly.
That is heavy, and it did hit me with the kind of impact I think you intended, but wouldn't global weather disasters on this scale kill even more than that? Tens of millions, even?
But maybe we just haven't gone that far yet.
The emotions here are something I like. Nuria's attempts to comfort Edward and his attempts to cope with the scope of the disasters especially stand out.
"self-centered," though I think I know why you wrote it the way you did.
The writing rambles a slight bit here, but that's okay, because Edward's thoughts are clearly not proceeding in an orderly fashion. In that sense, the way you wrote this section helps the reader tune into what's going on.
Hmm. The tone shift to a more trainer-oriented one feels a little odd. I wonder if you could somehow connect the previous topic with this one a bit more clearly somehow.
Nuria's reaction is appropriate here, I think, as Edward does seem to be underplaying Celebi quite vastly.
Of course, that probably means that Celebi will turn out to be the exact opposite.
I'm kind of glad to get out of that hospital scene, because it was beginning to drag due to Edward underplaying Celebi's importance.
"They were walking in silence."
Wouldn't "agreed on" sound better than "agreed with?"
I love this idea. It's a great way to expand upon the base of the controllers of the weather being gone.
That seems a little arbitrary. I'm surprised that what sounds like a newly-enacted emergency measure seems to have a specific punishment in place already.
That's a good way to introduce him. I'm sure he'll have a role to play later.
First ever photographic image? Is it correct to assume, then, that the events of the games did not happen, meaning none of the player characters ever saw Rayquaza?
Possibly a last-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Interesting. I guess that will be followed up on sometime?
Ooh, I like that bit of consistency regarding what Nincada's been digging through.
"the ferocity of each slash grew in savagery" is a bit repetitive. You could probably drop the "in savagery" part, making it "the ferocity of each slash grew."
You should probably use a word or term other than "embers" to describe the Ember attack. That's just to make sure everyone knows exactly what it is if they do not know what an ember is already.
I feel like the other trainer should have done something more to protect Combusken from the weak point on its leg, given that Edward gave him a large advance warning about it.
I think you are missing a word between "and" and "red-hot."
Well now, that was quite the surprise. A Luxray in Hoenn, owned by a trainer who for all appearances looked to be fairly new. Great twist.
I get the feeling this kid has won a lot of other battles through sheer intimidation with his Luxray like this.
Oh yeah, Bayleef would have a field day with this kid.
I get the feeling he might be recurring. The setup of what he did with Luxray begs to be followed up on.
Aha, Nuria, you wouldn't mind doing that, would you?
Ooh, neat, a cliffhanger. I wonder if it was Celebi or a different Legendary.
This chapter was pretty good. It was a noticeable change of pace and mood after the preceding chapters. That's actually something I want to bring up: sometimes it feels like the fact that the world is falling apart is pushed slightly to the background, which is a little unusual given the circumstances. There are times when you do tie it into ordinary happenings, such as the ban on weather-altering moves, but I feel like there's just a little bit of inconsistency regarding it.
This is silly enough to almost work as a conversation between them as they were drinking! I rather like the casual tone.Neeeeeew chapter! This'll be the last for a long time, so please enjoy!
“And then,” Nuria snorted in a fit of giggles to a guffawing Edward, “she told her Oddish to do the 'grass thingy'!”
“Oh god,” Edward gasped through the laughter, wiping a tear away from his eye, “why are people s-so incompetent?”
“But that's not the best thing,” Nuria declared, holding her hands up. “The best thing is-” she paused, her giggling preventing words from formulating, “the Oddish...the Oddish turned to her and said,” for a while Nuria could sat nothing as she gripped her sides, “'Who are you?'! Turned out she'd...she'd picked up the wrong Pokemon from the Centre!”
"Edward's ribs."Edward and Nuria erupted in howls of laughter at the amusing story. They were sitting at the rounded, wooden table in their room at the Pokemon Centre, sipping from their cola cans whilst exchanging their battle stories. They both felt light-headed after the day of pure trainer battles, and, even though Edwards ribs were starting to hurt rather painfully, neither of them could stop laughing.
You could probably do without "infinitesimally small" since you have "tiny" right next to it.That is, until a third voice began laughing hysterically with them.
It took Edward and Nuria a little while to hear the voice through their own giggling, but after a few seconds it was extremely apparent to both of them, and slowly, like a freight train grinding to a halt, they began to calm down, locking eyes in confusion whilst someone carried on laughing in the exact same state of mirth. From the corner of Edward's eye, something was definitely moving.
Edward noticed Nuria's expression turn to shock as both he and her came to the same conclusion: It's coming from next to us!
In tiny, infinitesimally small fractions of a circle, the two turned their heads to the source of the noise.
Oh God, French-talking Celebi is hilarious. I don't know how you got this idea but it's great.Celebi, as though finally realising that its companions had ceased laughing with it, started to tone down its chuckling awkwardly, until its face became passive, staring, wide eyed, at the two humans on either sides of it.
Nothing was said for the longest time. Until:
“Bonjour,” the Legendary Pokemon said politely, waving at Edward.
The spell over the two humans broke: almost symmetrically Edward and Nuria pushed away from the table, their chairs tipping making them fall to the floor.
“Ne vous inquietez pas, c'est moi, Celebi,” Celebi said kindly, smiling whilst sitting and staring unnaturally wide-eyed at the pair.
Clear something up for me please: was Celebi being serious when it was using the other languages, or was it just messing with them? Given Celebi's personality, either option sounds feasible.Neither of the humans responded.
The green pixie frowned, then straightened up, smiling again.
“¡Lo siento! Sé que muchos idiomas y -” Celebi stopped abruptly when it saw the blank expressions on the humans. After knitting its eyes for a few seconds, it spoke again, albeit more timidly.
“Do you understand me now?”
“What the hell are you doing here?!” Nuria blurted out, crawling away from the table on her back. Edward didn't know how to react – this was just too big a shock.
“I'll take that as a yes! I'm really sorry for that – there are just so many human languages I sometimes get a little muddled. Anyways, I have a story to tell. All should be clear after that. Please don't interrupt, because your questions will probably be answered.”
"surely" is misspelled as "surly" here. That needs to be fixed.Edward exchanged a quizzical look with Nuria, both the humans calming slightly. This could have gone a lot worse, I suppose...
Cautiously, Edward nodded once, as did Nuria. Content, the green pixie began to speak:
“I suppose you both know the legend in the Sinnoh region regarding the creation of the universe?. Anyway, it is about how a God was hatched from nothing, then created all that there is by delegating the powers of time, space and energy to three powerful deities.”
Celebi paused, giving Edward time to think. Sure, the story did sound familiar...Perhaps I read it in an old bed-time story?
But...surly this can't be true... Edward thought, confused as to why Celebi was going over this. How could a Pokemon make a universe. What made it?
I don't see much reason for anyone to doubt Celebi's claim, really. Celebi can time travel, so if it wishes to go back to the beginning of the universe, it can easily do so.“This story,” Celebi continued, smiling cordially at the pair, “is entirely true.”
Another pause. Edward's eyes narrowed. Come on, how could that even-
“I happen to know, because I was there,” Celebi said, looking directly at Edward now. The boy felt goose-bumps prickle on his skin – not only because of the stare, but the realisation that the Legendary, despite its carefree nature, was telling the truth. Before he could say anything, however, Celebi continued.
That's an interesting interpretation/expansion of Sinnoh's mythology. It makes good sense, too. I like it.“The God realised that these deities, however powerful, would fight a lot, basically, causing His beautiful universe to fragment. So He separated them as far as possible, each given homes in different crevices of time and space.
“But He knew it was not enough. One of the deities discovered and waged war on another: although He resolved the conflict, He still knew that battle between the three were inevitable. He also knew that, to keep the universe working properly, He would need to rest. He would be unable to protect His creations from themselves.
“So He took a portion of each of their power, and transferred it into me – a wonderfully spectacular creature with the ability to travel time and space and generate loads of energy. My job was, and still is, fairly easy. In the event of conflict, I am meant to step in to tip the scales in favour of a deity of my choosing to end the battle, thus preserving peace.
Shouldn't she be aware that Celebi can time travel when Celebi just told her about it?“You both probably still have questions. Please, ask away.”
Edward looked over at Nuria in disbelief, who too had her eyebrows knitted. Yeah. Right. How could such a small Pokemon be so powerful? Edward couldn't feel the overwhelming pressure he had felt around Latias or Latios, nor did it seem to exert any sheer power like Regice. In fact, Edward reckoned that, if he saw Celebi under different circumstances, he could have found it cute.
At the same time, he found its kind, lazy speech incompatible with its Legendary status. Overall, Edward felt fairly disorientated.
“I have a question,” Nuria said determinedly, rising slowly. Celebi's gaze snapped towards her. “I know that story – it was my favourite as a kid. Dialga – that was the time one,” she paused a little, uncertain and gauging Celebi's reaction before continuing, “then Palkia, the space one. But the only other is,” Nuria crumpled her expression as she tried to think, “Giratina – that's it! But Giratina was the ruler of its own little world, not the god of energy or anything.”
Edward, also rising, looked over proudly at his friend. Who knew Nuria had ever paid attention to a book?
“And you – all you do is fly around a forest somewhere. How could you be this epic peace-keeper when all you do is...well, I haven't really heard you do anything really.”
Celebi's distraction was amusing, but I think Nuria might be on to something - it's likely Celebi is, in fact, clever enough to try and dodge questions like that.“Forests! Ooh, I love forests,” Celebi squealed in delight. “Is that where I am now? Wait,” Celebi's expression turned thoughtful, “which forest are you talking about?”
“Umm, Ilex? Yeah, Ilex Forest, I think so,” Nuria said, sharing incredulous looks with Edward. How can this be a Legendary Pokemon?
“Oh, I haven't lived there for... about nine thousand years! That was, and still is, if you think about it, a really good time. But I preferred Pinwheel Forest about...three million years ago,” she said brightly. Nuria took a bold step forward.
“You evaded the explanation – about Giratina.”
Again, it seems strange that Celebi informed them of its time travel powers, and Edward clearly registered them in his own mind, but Nuria doesn't seem to know what Celebi's powers are? Or does she just not think much of such powers?Celebi, who began floating over the table, giggled.
“You've got to remember – these are just legends. 'Giratina', as you call it, controls pure energy. Antimatter is just an aspect of energy – the collision of regular matter and antimatter creates bucket-loads of the stuff. It lives in its own world made from antimatter, to help protect it from the other two deities.”
Edward rose too, feeling more confidant around the mini-Legendary.
“Wait, so you can travel time, right? So... do we end up beating this killer?”
Could you explain the mechanics of this rule a bit more? I'm not sure I fully grasp the way Celebi can't travel to the future.Celebi's expression darkened.
“Can you imagine, having all this power, the illusion of freedom, just to find a barrier blocking your view? I was given access to all of time and space – except for one, little golden rule. I can't travel to a future I haven't lived yet. Usually, I'm fine with that – I mean, what's more fun than watching the world go by? But then there's this killer... Come to think of it, that might be why I have the rule in the first place. I mean, you can't change the past, and maybe once I see the future, I won't be able to change it.
"brings me." You were missing the 's.'“Which actually bring me onto why I'm here...” The little Pokemon tensed excitedly, trying to build suspense. Edward noted that he and Nuria, however, were probably looking very unexcited. “I'm coming with you!”
"unfazed."Edward wasn't sure he heard properly.
“You're...c-c-coming...with us?” Edward stuttered. Celebi seemed unphased by the lack of enthusiasm.
You don't have to say "Nuria" twice. Just "she" would do fine for the second time.“Of course! You have no idea how boring things have been lately! It's like I've done everything up until this point. You have to be careful travelling time – meeting yourself can cause loooads of complications. Anyway, I'll just be there to watch what happens and... I dunno, help? So, what do you both say?”
Edward looked at Nuria out of the corner of his eye. Nuria coughed suddenly.
Once again, "surely" is misspelled as "surly." Also, using "uber" in dialogue feels a little awkward. Maybe just calling it "really powerful" would be fine. Either way, you don't need to say "Legendary power," just "Legendary."“Can you give us a minute?” she asked, not quite sounding polite.
“Sure,” Celebi said, not moving.
Nuria coughed. Then she boldly waved the Pokemon away. Then, when Celebi still did nothing, Nuria said,
Celebi, still oblivious to Nuria's rudeness, nodded enthusiastically and disappeared. Instantly, Nuria wheeled around on Edward.
“Sooo, what do we do?”
“Well,” Edward said slowly, considering his response, “it can't be that bad a thing, surly? Yeah, it's a bit forward, but an uber powerful Legendary power could come in handy.”
I'm glad Nuria brought up this question. It's good to be following up on details that were introduced earlier.“But what about the other thing?” Nuria hissed. “Remember what Latias and Latios said? Other Legendaries don't take lightly to other Legendaries in their territory – won't that make them more violent and less reasonable? Also, didn't they say the killer would be able to sense Legendaries, and therefore find any travelling with us? And, the most important bit, what the hell is happening? This is all happening waaay too fast!”
I get the feeling that once again, Celebi is exaggerating. The line about being far above other Legendaries is a sign of it, I think.Before Edward could respond, the softest of voices wafted through the room, as quiet as a summer breeze:
“I can shield myself from other Ancients.”
Sighing, Edward turned to the 'empty' half of the room.
“Okay, come out,” he said dryly.
Suddenly Celebi appeared.
“So, Celebi, you can make sure no other Legendaries can see you?” Edward enquired.
“Of course! I could also come in handy in case any turn violent – I am as far above them as Ancients are above humans.”
Yeah, definitely bluffing. I think this is setting up a plot point for the future.“But still,” Nuria said defiantly, “what would you do? Where would you...be?”
“I'd just hang around with you the whole time – it's easy to be invisible, as you saw. And I know all the Ancients rather personally: after all, I've had quite a bit of time. I know both where they are and what you should say to them. I can also cook, transport, make clothes, make friends, fly, read minds, defeat threats aaand,” Celebi cocked its head in thought, “I know everything about pretty much everything and everywhere.”
No need for an apostrophe in "things."Once again there was another awkward silence.
“Sure,” said Nuria weakly.
Celebi cheered and floated up, punching the sky.
“This will be so much fun! Think of all the thing's we'll do! All the people we'll meet!”
"Legendary's." You were missing the 'r.'“Yeah,” muttered Nuria, already looking as though she was rethinking her decision.
“So...” Edward said calmly, trying not to ruin the Legenday's fun, “what are you going to do now?”
Celebi didn't go anywhere, I'm sure of it. That thing is just too hilariously mischievous to pass up a chance like this.“It is late, isn't it? I can watch you both sleep!” Celebi cried in excitement.
“No no,” Nuria said hurriedly,” how about you, uh, just leave us until morning. Is that alright?”
“Sure!” Celebi beamed, then disappeared.
I actually smiled pretty hard at that. It just came out of nowhere, yet it's so strangely funny that I couldn't help it.Edward couldn't remember his dream the next morning. It may have had something to do with waking up to two, large and staring eyes mere centimetres from his face.
“It's morning!” Celebi crowed happily, pushing some purple fluff towards Edward. “Want any candy floss?”
I just noticed something. Is Celebi joking again when it says that the candy floss came from three hundred and forty seven years ago? If it isn't joking, then there's some major loose playing with the laws of time travel going on here. I think I need a bit further an elaboration on this.After overcoming the mini heart-attack and refuting the sugary treat, Edward, thinking it best that Nuria did not wake in the same way he did, gently woke her up.
“Please,” Nuria yawned, rubbing her eyes, “tell me that didn't happen yesterday.”
“Candy floss?” Celebi offered, popping a small chunk into its mouth. “From the Viridian Festival around three hundred and forty seven years ago. It's really nice.”
Try to pick a consistent capitalization scheme for the term "Legendary Pokemon." Are both words capitalized or is just 'Pokemon' capitalized?Groaning, Nuria sluggishly rose out of bed, collected her clothes, and headed for the bathroom. After the door was locked, Celebi turned to Edward. Edward, who was silently cursing Nuria for leaving him alone with the Legendary, tried to avoid eye contact.
“Your friend doesn't like me, does she?” Celebi said, sounding fairly depressed. Edward, even though he could hardly believe he was having such a conversation with a legendary Pokemon... a Legendary Pokemon he only really met last night, felt bad to hear this.
Is the expression 'people person' used differently where you're from? I'm not going to call this an error immediately because that could be the case.“No, it's just that Nuria... well, she isn't really a peoples person.”
That was amazing. Even after having read this scene once already when I beta-ed it, I still laughed at it again. Some silliness is good to have in a serious story.From inside the bathroom, Edward heard the shower turning on. Feeling less awkward, Edward turned to look Celebi in the face, and noticed it beginning to smile.
“No matter. I'm really good at making friends.” The green pixie looked strangely at its candy floss. “Maybe she just doesn't like this in particular...”
Sensing Celebi was beginning to look disheartened again, Edward tried to smile in comfort.
“Nah, Nuria prefers Gummy Teddiursas anyway, so-” Edward stopped abruptly when he realised Celebi had disappeared.
Nuria screamed, and quick as a flash ran out the bathroom door, barely managing to hurriedly wrap a towel around her sopping frame in time. Edward instantly looked away, listening to his friend's cussing.
“But Edward said you liked Gummy Teddiursas,” Celebi said brightly, hovering through he bathroom door. Instantly, Edward could feel Nuria's glare on him.
I can just imagine what Nuria would do to him if she didn't believe him. And that's what makes me love their interactions so much.“You told it to do that!?” she screeched, kicking him hard in the leg – even without any shoes on, Nuria still caused Edward to wince.
“No, I just said you didn't like candy floss and preferred Gummy Teddiursas,” Edward pleaded, looking at the ceiling rather that at his angry, mostly naked companion. “I didn't tell it to go in on you. Promise. Dear lord please believe me.”
"Edward stood there in silence."Carefully, Edward lowered his gaze until he could just about make out Nuria's scowling face. He felt sickened at the thought of looking lower. She then looked at the Legendary, who had opened the packet and began to eat a few, gumming its mouth shut.
“Never do that to me again! Do you understand?” Nuria growled at Celebi. Celebi closed its eyes and bowed its head, looking fairly guilty. Nuria ignored the Pokemon's expression and walked past it, into the bathroom, and slammed and locked the door.
Edward stood there is silence, not looking at Celebi, just listening to the sound of the shower running. It stopped, then a few minutes later Nuria walked out, her hair wet. Too timid to talk to her, Edward collected his clothes and shuffled into the bathroom: he noticed how wet the floor was.
I just knew Nuria told Celebi to do it back to him. These two just have such a great dynamic together, it's almost unbelievable.Quickly getting undressed, Edward turned on the shower and stepped into the hot spray. How long has it been before I've had one of these? he pondered, recounting the freezing downpours and when he fell into the ocean. He was just applying the shampoo when he noticed the muffled sounds of speech from the other room. Neither sounded angry, so Edward smiled. At least they're getting on better, he thought happily. The voices suddenly stopped talking. Strange...
“BOO!” Celebi shouted, less than a metre away from him in the shower cubicle. Screaming, Edward fell through the door onto the bathroom floor. Noting the Legendary was still present, Edward's shock turned to embarrassment as he groped around for his towel.
The little pixie hovered, clutching its sides and kicking its legs in laughter, and Edward could hear the same sort of sound from outside the room. Making sure the towel was securely fastened around him, Edward unlocked then slammed open the door, glaring as angrily as he could at his hysterical friend.
Whoa, what's with this twist ending? Was it actually Celebi all along? Like, was it a Celebi from the past or an impostor in there? You've got me asking questions, so that's a sign of a good twist ending.“Damn you,” he growled, before turning to Celebi. He held on to its arm and, unbeknownst to the laughing Pokemon, Edward guided it out of the room. He then slammed the door, locking it tightly.
I hate Legendaries, he thought darkly as he dried himself off.
Celebi hovered outside the Pokemon Centre window, observing itself and the laughing female. Sighing to itself, frustrated, it turned and once again vanished.
I knew whilst writing it that it was a bit loose, but I really couldn't come up with that an imaginative story at the time.The Pokemon Center giving the girl the wrong Pokemon is something that seems a little unbelievable, but in a world where the kind of chaos you've shown is going on, some level of confusion on an administrative level is understandable.
I know its slight overkill, but I really like the imagery 'infinitesimally small' gives.You could probably do without "infinitesimally small" since you have "tiny" right next to it.
Thanks for the compliment! I'll let people come up with their own opinions for the second bit though.Oh God, French-talking Celebi is hilarious. I don't know how you got this idea but it's great.
Clear something up for me please: was Celebi being serious when it was using the other languages, or was it just messing with them? Given Celebi's personality, either option sounds feasible.
Hmm, depends how many religions I'm willing to insult at the time. Probably none, so unless I can think up another way, this won't really be addressed. For the time being.Interesting that you're touching on the "chicken or the egg" paradox in regards to Arceus and creation. I wonder if we'll see something to clear that up later?
When I originally wrote that, I thought 'Is this making Edward sound like a cheat?', until I remembered that, as the world hung in the balance, it was a legit question.Edward's question is a good one, I'm glad he thought of it.
Thanks for saying they're so good. I worry sometimes that I get too wrapped up in plot expansion (I understand it has gone WAY to quickly) and forget about believable characters, so thanks.That was amazing. Even after having read this scene once already when I beta-ed it, I still laughed at it again. Some silliness is good to have in a serious story.
I just knew Nuria told Celebi to do it back to him. These two just have such a great dynamic together, it's almost unbelievable.
DUN DUN DUNNNNN!Whoa, what's with this twist ending? Was it actually Celebi all along? Like, was it a Celebi from the past or an impostor in there? You've got me asking questions, so that's a sign of a good twist ending.
Thanks alot for that, I do worry sometimes I rush this a tad as I have such little time to write.This was a good chapter overall, I'd say. Celebi was definitely the standout character with its ridiculous behavior that seems to have something deeper going on, but Edward and Nuria really had a great presence too. I want to say that this chapter is an example of how a chapter with few real events happening can still be great just on the strengths of its characters.
Hey there too! Thanks alot, and of course you can be on the PM list!Hi. I read fourteen chapters and liked it a lot. I nominated you for a couple of awards. May I be on the PM list?
You just blew my mind. Thanks for all the support!So anyways, When I first read about Nuria's Bayleaf(Or should I say Chikorita) I first thought she's similar to N. Except more meaner and Angrier. She is also similar to Banette. It is said that Banette was once a doll until its owner threw it away. Kinda like The trainer who gave Chikorita back to Prof. Elm. Though Bayleaf seemed to be more worse than Banette in my opinion.