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The Light in the Darkness (Preview)

Discussion in 'The Authors' Café' started by PokemonHero, Nov 25, 2008.

  1. PokemonHero

    PokemonHero I can see the future

    I put a commercial up not too long ago for my newest fan fic The Light in the Darkness. While I plan on releasing it here next month (it is currently up on FanFiction.Net), I figure that I'd leave a preview here for everybody to look at and decide whether or not they want to read it.

    As I said on the commercial thread, this is my first attempt at a R-rated fic (mature content including swearing, violence, sexual content, etc.), first attempt with the first person POV, first time with a female protagonist, and first time using romance.

    The section that is posted below is part of the Prologue, introducing us to Amber, the main protagonist from whom's point-of-view the story is currently being told from. Amber is a human who finds herself...well, I think you'll figure it out when you read.

    All comments and suggestions are accepted. I will be more than happy to answer any questions that you may have, as long as I don't feel that I'll be giving away too much of the story by answering it.

    So here it is, the Serebii.Net Forums preview of The Light in the Darkness:

    Excerpt from Prologue: Escape

    Frantically my mind tried to figure out how I came to be this way. Earlier that morning, I had found a letter from my older brother Kyle on my welcome mat. From what he told me, he worked for a pharmaceutical company that was working on some new cures for diseases. However, he said he couldn’t talk much about what he did; it was company policy.

    The letter seemed harmless enough: Kyle’s company—Gilroy Pharmaceuticals—was looking for some volunteers to test a new product. There was no information about what product they wanted to test on me, but nonetheless, I decided to go along with it and see what they wanted me to test.

    I arrived at the company later that afternoon, still contemplating what I would be asked to test. The company was located on the outskirts of the city, about an hour or so from where I lived. The building itself was a large, gray concrete two-story building, not unlike most of the other buildings surrounding it. I walked in and asked the receptionist about the product testing. She obliged and took me to another room. At one end of the room, an old overstuffed couch sat waiting for someone to sit upon it. There was also a small coffee table with a few old magazines to keep someone occupied as they waited.

    As I sat there for what seemed like hours, I thought about my brother. I had never really had a great relationship with him. He was always so secretive and untrusting of others. This was especially true after he joined Gilroy Pharmaceuticals. For all my life, I had wondered why he was this way. What big secret could he be hiding from me? I figured that this letter could be him finally opening up to me.

    At last, two men in white lab coats came into the room. Both men had surgical masks covering their face, as though they had just left the ER to meet me. They asked me to follow them. Like the lemming that I am, I followed, unaware of what awaited for me. That’s the last thing that I could remember.

    And now… I looked over my new body. Small paws instead of hands and feet. A mane of brown-and-cream fur around the scruff of my neck. A long puffed-up tail. I had always thought that Eevee were cute, but never had I imagined being one.

    Just then, I heard footsteps coming down the row of cages again. Two tall figures stood at the entrance to my cage.

    “Here we are sir,” the first one said. I recognized the voice as the one who brought me the food and water.

    “So this is it?”

    “Yes, Experiment EV-005.”

    It? Experiment EV-005? I felt my anger building. “Hey,” I shouted at them, “who are you calling it?”

    For some reason, though, they didn’t seem to understand me. One of the two turned back to me and looked into my cage. He wore dark glasses and the same surgical mask that the two men wore who escorted me out of the waiting room. For a minute, he just stared at me, silently. It was very unsettling. Then he stood up and whispered something to his accomplice. He wrote down something on a clipboard before biding his comrade farewell and walking away. Now it was just the two of us, the man with dark glasses and I.

    He turned back around and looked at me again. “So, sister…” he drawled slowly.

    Sister? No, it can’t be. I began to crawl away from the entrance of my cage. You can’t be…

    He just smiled and laughed. But it was unlike any laugh I had ever heard. Cold and sinister, it seemed to suck out all the warmth left in my body. In an almost calculating manner, he reached up and pulled his dark glasses from his eyes. Now the man stared at me with icy blue eyes. Kyle’s eyes.

    <End Preview>
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2008
  2. Yonowaru in Chaos

    Yonowaru in Chaos gaspard de la nuit

    Well, while I don't *think* this preview was rushed, it certainly could be longer. In three paragraphs, you moved from reading a letter to sitting in a waiting room, one or two hours away, before moving on to the doctors and experimentation in another paragraph. It's nice that you've mimicked Amber's rush to circulate events, but it's not particular effective if you want to introduce the audience to Amber (and Kyle as well, to a lesser extent) effectively.

    However, it would be a bit odd to read something that unfolded slowly and gradually when you're reminiscing on a flashback. From personal experiences, it is not exactly easy (for me anyway) to write a nice-sounding flashback that was detailed and yet didn't make it sound like the character experiencing the flashback knew everything.
  3. PokemonHero

    PokemonHero I can see the future

    I do understand what you are saying. Granted, this is from the middle of the preview. Kyle appears later in the preview (as indicated by the end of the preview) and Amber had prior realized that she had been turned into an Eevee. Thus explaining some of the lack of detail.

    As you suggested, I did try to reflect Amber's frantic mindset when I wrote this scene. I mean, what else would you be when you find yourself turned into a Pokemon. Of course you're going to try and remember what caused you to end up like that.

    Thanks for reading and reviewing, BTW. As a note to everyone, I will finally release The Light in the Darkness this Saturday, December 6th.

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