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The Lillycove Chronicles By Chaka27 (advanceshipping & gymshipping)

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Power Shot

Reignited with Ego!
Oh boy, I find myself in a rather picky nature right now. This fic reall needs work.

The first two chapters were horrible, there was no discription whatsoever in either chapter. You still have a long way to go in that respect. Your characters are also quite generic, relying on mostly reader's knowledge of who they are and how they would react. In order to stand out in a writing community, you must make your fic yours, and not someone else's. If you copy something that has already been done, chances are no one will want to read it.

The other chapters were better, but still a lack of originality causes me to think that more could be spent on this fic.
 

Chaka27

Banned
Err...thanks power shot I guess. that kinda put me down because I was getting writers block. The story is 10x better in my head but Im not exactly a fan of typing. I'll still try to make it better though.
 

Power Shot

Reignited with Ego!
Well, I said what you really needed to hear. The important thing is to transform what is in your head to the computer. If you can do that, you've got yourself a pretty awesome fic.

For writer's block, I recomend seeing a movie. Just Friends came out, I'm going to recharge from that.
 

Chaka27

Banned
Tanks for real this time ill take your advice. I have all of POKEMON ADVANCED on DVD so maybe that will help. Also could somone make a banneror somehing or the site and maybe Ill add a BIG spoiler
 
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jinxie

Guest
mwahaha. The ending is gorgeous
I just love the gymshippyness
Keep it up

edit:
dude. you're so mean to misty<3
 
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Chaka27

Banned
Well Jinxie Misty wasnt exactly the good guy in the begining but Brock made her a nice (and uninocent) person again. Now Team Magma is the big problem.
 
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D

dragonmaster5000

Guest
That was great! This story is getting better and better. One thing though: Remember not to rush the story and if you have Microsoft Word, be sure to use Spelling and Grammar Check.
 
P

PikachuBlue

Guest
Getting better and better. The only thing I would have to say is try not to rush the plot. Other than that the story is great. Looking forward to the next chap. Keep up the good work. ^^
 

Chaka27

Banned
Thank God! I still have it and here it is........

CHAPTER 4- The Rescue


“Welcome one and all to the Lillycove City Pokemon Contest Demonstration! My Name Is Vivian and I’ll be your MC today.” Vivian said as the crowd cheered. “Our judges are Nurse Joy for cuteness, Officer Jenny for toughness, Wallace for beauty, Prof. Birch for smartness, and Norman for coolness. Now let’s begin!” It was time for May to show Ash how good she was. She decided to enter her Ivysaur to make her dad proud by entering a Pokemon under his judgment. May called out Rose and had her use Petal Dance and then solar beam, after that she had a Whirlwind-Vine Whip combo which gave her a score of 48.5 making her the champion of the cool rank along with Kelly in Smartness, Drew in cuteness, Robert in beauty, and Harley in toughnwss. Then it was time for two people to be selected to have a contest battle for the title of grand champion and the two chosen were May and Harley.

“Blaze, I choose you” May said. As Blaze popped out

“Come on out Bane!” Harley said as he called out Bannete.

“Thunder Punch” May cried as Blaze charged towards the ghost.

“Dodge and use shadow ball” Harley smirked as the attack hit squarely.

“Oh No, Flamethrower” May cried out as Blaze shot out a large flame.

“Sh*t try Night Shade” He swore.

Dodge and try Blaze Kick” she called as Bane missed.

“Night shade again then toxic” he commanded and it caused Blaze to be extremely weak.
“Nooo” May sobbed as Blaze fell to the ground.


“Now Hyper Beam” Harley roared. And with that Blaze fainted.

After the ceremony May was upstairs crying. Ash felt terrible he felt as if he had lost himself. He never had seen her so sad. He diced to take a walk to the Pokemon center.

Later as he entered the Pokemon Center he saw Harley bragging to a crowed about his victory with a TON of false details. “So I beat her in five seconds flat with one Hyper Beam.” Harley bragged.

“Liar!” Ash hollered causing everyone to look at him “May is 100 times better than you! You just got lucky!”

“You’re that boy that likes her.” Harley sneered.

Well at least I like girls not guys like YOU!” Ash grunted as he stormed away leaving a ****** Harley behind him.

“To bad she likes ME not you!” Harley said only to be punched out by a ****** Ash.

“I doubt it” Ash said and went home.
………………………
Ash deiced to go talk to her but when he got upstairs he found nothing but a letter

Dear Ash,

Hi, how are you? We are fine. We have taken May hostage. If you want your girlfriend back battle us ALONE at Mt. Chimney. If you win we will give back the girl. If we win we get you as well. Have a nice day and remember land will fill the world!

-Maxie

‘May’ Ash thought before he ran off.

“Hey everyone, May and Ash are gone! And look at this letter.” Max yelled. And when everyone saw the letter they were in shock.




“Megahorn” Hank and Courtney said in unison. As Pikachu and Marshtomp fell to the ground and Ash recalled them after being hit by Aggron and Rhydon.

“Ash run!” May hollered desperate to save her love.

“No May, I’m staying here till were both free.” Ash replied. Anger towards Team Magma was making his blood boil. He allowed himself be taken away thinking he would be put with May. But instead he was taken to the edge of the Volcano.

“Say goodbye Ashy” Maxie smirked as he held ash over the edge.

“Flygon go”

“You too Claydol”

“What, Hank, Courtney stop! Maxie yelled as Hank’s Flygon saved Ash and Courtney’s Claydol lifted Maxie.

“Were tired of doing evil, we Quit!” Courtney yelled.

“Even if you are our leader!” Hank added.

“I am more than that.” Maxie sneered “Hank, I am your FATHER!”

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” Hank cried while May just starred at them with a ‘WTF’ look on her face as Ash freed her. But then Maxie’s Tanglea yanked May over to the Jet where Maxie and it were. And with that they flew off.

“MMMMMAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!” Ash screamed, but it was no use “She’s gone.” Ash whispered

“But not for good.” Hank said

“What do you mean? Why should I trust you? Ash hollered.

“Well if we weren’t on your side why would I have had my Flygon save you?” Hank said “Why would we be here still? Why would we tell you our hideout is in the Jagged Pass? Why would we disguise us and you to save May? Why-“

“Okay I get it!” Ash said. “But you didn’t do the last two things.”

“But we will.” Hank said smiling as he and Courtney sat down on either side of him.

“Well get your friend back Ash, I promise.” Courtney Said as she put her hand on his shoulder. Then they all changed into regular outfits and Ash learned that Courtney actually had very short Black hair and Hank had long blond hair but they had to wear wigs.

“Let’s go stop my Father!” Hank said boldly.

‘You do realize he was kidding right?” Courtney smirked.

“Oh………I knew that” Hank said as the other two promptly facefaulted.

…………………………………

Courtney and Hank decided to tell Ash about their story before their journey from The Lavaridge Pokemon Center, through the fiery path, up Mt.Chimney (the cable car was broken), down the Jagged pass, and on the Magma Train that led to the Underwater Cavern which was the location of their hideout. Altogether that would take 8 days and since everyone in Lillycove was panicking they called them. And after an hour of explaining to everyone Shelly decides to join them because she has been a spy to them before.

The story began 6 years ago in Saffron City when Hank and Courtney were 24. They had grown up together in an orphanage and were lucky enough to get scholarships at the University Of Cinnabar Island. There they became great students. Hank and Courtney were engaged at 22 at the Graduation ball at The Cinnabar Mansion (which at the time was a condominium and wasn’t burned) and decided to live their and six weeks later they lost everything in the fire. They raised just enough money to move to Hoenn but couldn’t afford anything once they got there they were out on the streets of Slateport until they were 24 and Maxie took them in as long as they did everything he said and until now they obeyed him. But they just wanted to make enough money to live on their own and finally get married. But when they were ready they were too afraid of Maxie to leave. Until now when they realized that they were so
scared of Maxie that they were letting others suffer from their cowardly behavior. Now they will not rest until they stop Maxie and end team Magma………or at least until they need to sleep.


________
Like it? R+R please!
 
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Chaka27

Banned
Meganium XD said:
Good think you found the chap! It's preety good! ^^

I just need to ask you something:How do you make the qutation marks instead of these kinds "?

Err...I use Comic sans ms on word so that might explain ".
 
E

Ember

Guest
It's pretty good. I like the plot, but the story itself lacks description and needs some help lenth-wise. It's also really rushed, and could use some more time put into it. Anywho, keep up the good work, I wanna know what happens next!

P.S. I'd be happy to draw pics for your story in my spare time. The link to my deviantart account's in my sig if you want to see examples.
 

Chaka27

Banned
I dunno?????????

And Ember, your art is.....................FABULOUS!!! I pm the pics i need but dont rush.
 
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