The Lone Lone Pokémon Ranch (Reviewed Edition)

[Night Avenger]

The Lone Lone Pokémon Ranch (Reviewed Edition)

O.K. I don't know who closed my other fic (neither why) so I'm opening one again (reviewed and improved, a little). So if you wanna close this one, just put why.
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Prologue:

I suppose you don't know me, my name is Jack I'm thirteen years old, have light brown hair, brown eyes, I'm five feet tall and my weight is 88 Lbs. I live in a Pokémon Ranch, The Lone Lone Pokémon Ranch. I live here alone with my mom, my dad has went in a long trip with our Rapidash. He is searching for a miraculous berry that is said to cure any disease and gives only two berries a year. Our ranch is really famous, some people come to town just to visit it and, well our Miltank produce very good milk, our Mareep have really good wool and our corn harvests are the best. I can't really complain about anything else but, no having Pokémon that I can call my own. Our corn plantations are protected by three Cacturnes, we've got five tauros and ten Miltank, seven Torchics, one Dodrio, six Ponyta, fifteen Mareep, five Flaafys, four Manectrics and a Delcatty, and having all those Pokémon, my mom keeps saying that I can't have one!! Why? I mean, we've got lots of Pokémon, why can't I have one?

I see lots of Pokémon books at school, there are more than three-hundred Pokémon known by people!! I've heard about a boy that has gone from Kanto to Hoenn and has seen all those Pokémon, what a lucky guy!! I think he's called Ash Ketchum...

Sometimes, I dream that I'm in the middle of a Pokémon Stadium, and a voice is heard, The New Leaugue Champion is Jack!!! All the people at the Satdium crys: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack!!!! A girl comes running from a bench next to the arena and kisses me, in that very moment I wake up.

Oh, I forgot to tell you:
I live in Jaken, a region full of Kanto, Johto and Hoenn Pokémon.

 

[≈*Virulent Tsunami*≈]

The problem is the length. Stories should usually be twice as long, which is why the other one was closed.

~*CB*~
The 8th Champion​

 

[Xiang]

Should be a lot longer, this isn't even a page. Is this a diary of some sort? Sounds like one. Perhaps you should put in multiple entries to make it longer.

 

[Night Avenger]

O.K. That was just the prologue so it isn't very long, here's chapter 1
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Chapter 1: The Nightmare & the Adventure of Love

The same nightmare keeps tormenting me; a group of monsters enter the house. They begin to burn everything, I go to the basement with my mom, then I suddenly come out, a devil turns and looks at me with anger, he roars and then I wake up.

A Miltank has given birth to a Tauros. I don’t know why people are the only live beings that appear directly from our mother, I mean all pokemon appear from eggs. I’m also very jealous of those guys at school that have their own pokemon and don’t have to take rental ones. I mean, I like Boney, the Cubone I always rent, but, why can’t I have a pokemon of my own too?
I told mom about this but she said that when the time comes I will get my own pokemon. I’ve been waiting for a long time (aren’t 13 years enough for her?), but all that I get is a:
"When the time comes…" Gee, I’m getting really sick of that.
By the way, a Haunter entered the house. I thought it would be cool to have a ghost at home, but it sucks. His only occupations are stealing food and scaring us. Mom bought a Kadabra to get rid of him, the battle between this two was a big example of equality in power. Kadabra was walking to the corn plantations when Haunter suddenly got out from one of the barn's walls. He saw Kadabra and licked his back. Kadabra ignored him, Haunter licked him again, then Kadabra stopped. Haunter walked back and his eyes began to turn red. Hypnosis. Kadabra turned and fell asleep. Then Haunter’s eyes begun to glow blue and a white beam came out of Kadabra and into Haunter’s mouth. Dream Eater. Suddenly, the beam stopped to flow, Kadabra woke up. His eyes begun to glow purple, he bent his spoon and Haunter fell to the floor, He stood up, he was surrounded by black waves, Kadabra was surrounded by purple waves. The Night Shade and Psywave attacks collided. The two Pokémon were flying through the airs. Haunter stood up, Kadabra didn’t. Next day we didn’t found Kadabra, he escaped.

I’ve got an A at school and mom gave me a Torchic and the baby Tauros as a prize, yeah my first two pokemon, this is so cool. I’ve taught Torchic how to do Ember and Peck, he already knew Scratch and Growl. I’ve also taught Tauros Headbutt and Stomp, he already knew Tackle and Tail Whip. By the way, I’ve challenged a guy at school to a Double Battle, I’m sure Torchic and Tauros will do well.

I won the battle. He sent an Ivysaur and a Stantler. Torchic begun with an ember to Ivysaur, Tauros and Stantler were both attacking each other with Headbutt. Ivysaur used Vine Whip to trap Torchic, but Tauros left Stantler and with a Stomp he left Ivysaur knocked out. Torchic used Ember and left Stantler burnt.Tauros used Tail Whip and Stantler was really angry. He run towards Tauros but he dodged him. Stantler hit a tree. He fell and fainted.
“Stantler can’t continue, I win!” I shouted. Everybody was really excited, “Jack! Jack! Jack!” was the only thing that could be heard at school.

That night it occurred. The nightmare was taking place. The Houndooms entered the house and started burning everything. Mom took me with her to the basement.
“Mom, I’ve got to stop them!”
“No, you won’t, you’ll stay with me here!”
“I’m going!” then I went out. A Houndoom looked at me.
“This is gonna be hard” I thought. Houndoom attacked Torchic with bite, Tauros used Stomp and took the Houndoom to the floor, he turned and used Flamethrower. Torchic attacked with Peck to stop him. Tauros was really hurt but he wanted to continue. I told him to come back but instead he attacked Houndoom with Headbutt (his favorite attack). Houndoom howled. Another Houndoom came, but a Houndour joined our team, it was odd, suddenly he jumped out of nowhere and bit the new Houndoom, a rebelty feeling could be read in his eyes. A combinated attack did the trick. Torchic with Peck, Houndour with Bite and Tauros with Stomp. The second Houndoom fainted. The other one looked at the attack. Then he took his fainted friend, howled and all the other Houndooms fled. As soon as this finished I threw a pokéball to the Houndour. I caught him; I caught my first wild pokemon!
When we finished putting out the fire, mom called me.
“I can repair this but I want you to have this…” she gave me a pokéball belt, a medal box and a backpack full of clothes and money.
“You can go now… Make me proud!” she said, I was really happy,
“Thanks mom!” was the only thing I could say. The next morning I crossed the ranch doors, sure that I wasn’t going to return in a long, long time.

I knew that the first thing I should do was get a Pokedex. Suddenly, out of the forest, a little boy appeared in front of me.
“Let’s battle! I know you’ve got pokémon, I’ve seen your pokéballs!”
“O.K. I’m just starting, but I’m warning you I’m good.”
“O.K. let’s start! Go Ratatta!”
“Go Torchic!” Rattata used Hyper Fang, it was a One-hit-K.O. Then I sent Houndour.
“Houndour, Bite!” He used ember instead. Ratatta fainted.
“Hey Houndour I told you to use Bite, not Ember!” He looked at me and growled. Then the little boy sent out a Squirtle.
“Squirtle, Bubblebeam!” A Bubblebeam hit Houndour, He growled and attacked with Bite to Squirtle, which used Defense Curl and hid in his shell. He howled in pain.
“Houndour come back!” He used Headbutt and sent Squirtle in his shell, spinning towards a tree. He came out of the shell really dizzy, he felt with a rock and fainted. Houndour was really angry.
“Go, Smeargle!” Smeargle rushed towards Houndour and used Double Kick, then he used Water Pulse, then Iron Tail and left Houndour howling in pain. Houndour turned back and used Flamethrower, he learned Flamethrower in his anger! Smeargle fell.
“Smeargle, Sketch! Now, Flamethrower!” He used Flamethrower and Houndour fainted.
“What was that? A Smeargle is a Normal Type; he can’t learn all those attacks!”
“He can, if you learn how to use Sketch. It’s an attack that copies the last attack made to him. You’ve helped me complete the best Sketched moves combination!”
“O.K. then let’s see if you can beat Tauros!” Tauros used Headbutt and knocked Smeargle out.
“Wow, you’re a very good trainer! I want you to have this PokéNav!"
"A Pokénav?!!"
"Yep, I already have one, I found this one in a forest. Register me, my number is 2230- 9978, my name is Johnny. Let’s see if our paths cross again. Bye!”
“Well, thanks and… bye!”

I walked for an hour till I saw a city.
“It must be Silverlake city!” I thought. When I got there I quickly went to the Pokecenter.
“Hi, I’m Nurse Joey, may I help you?”
“Yes, can you cure my pokémon, please? And, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure. What happened?”
“I don’t know, I was battling and my Houndour just ignored my orders!”
“He must have a disobedient nature, don’t worry, he’ll obey you as soon as you win a Gym Leader Badge.”
“And where do I find a Gym Leader?”
“In this city, at the left of the Pokélab is the first Jaken Gym. Go there and be sure to use fire pokemon, it’s a grass gym. The leader is Rosie, a girl of your age.”
“Gee thanks.”
“You’re welcome, and here are your Pokémon!”
“Well, as I said, thanks, and good-bye!”

When I found the Pokélab I saw the Gym. It was a building covered in flowers and with palm trees around it. No doubt, it’s a Grass Type Gym! I entered the Pokélab, and found prof. Chirck looking through a microscope. She was beautiful, she could have been an actress, because of her talent and beauty but she dedicated her life to pokemon.
“Hey, Jack! Long time no see! How’s my godson doing?”
“Hello, Miss, I mean prof. Chirck…”
“Hahaha, you can call me Miss Chirck if you want!”
“Well, Miss Chirck, I was wandering if you could… Well…”
“Give you a Pokedex? Of course I can, I like to see young men starting and adventure, looking for legendary pokémon, making new friends, and all of that things!”
“Thanks, I’m going to the gym next door! Bye!”
“Well, bye and good luck in your quest!”

The Gym battle was really easy. I only used Torchic! She sent Sunkern, with an Ember he fainted. Then she used Chickorita, two Pecks and she fainted, and then came Bulbasaur, Ember and Peck. The last pokémon was the real challenge, Nuzleaf. Torchic used ember, but Nuzleaf used Comet Punch, Torchic fell to the floor. Then he looked at Nuzleaf jumped and begun to shine… Combusken used Double Kick and Nuzleaf fainted. I won the Gym Badge and evolved my Torchic! Rosie said that I was so lucky. I could begin a pokemon quest and she couldn’t.
“I will help you; I know how to make protective parents let you go…”
“You… You’ll do this for me? Thanks a lot!”
“Well don’t get that emotive, this is what we’ll do…”
That night a "burglar" entered Rosie’s house. She defeated him, and he escaped terrorized.

The next day, I was sleeping at the Pokecenter when she woke me up. “It worked! It worked! I can go now! Thanks a lot!” and she kissed me. It was my first kiss… all the world disappeared. It was just me and her in that long and unforgettable kiss… a warm feeling filled my body. Then she stood up, looked at me and her face turned red.
“I... It wasn’t… I let my feelings control me, sorry…”
“Don’t worry. I liked it…” I said.
“I liked it too…”
“Would you like to be my… well, my… girlfriend?”
“Of course! I mean, O.K…” I was going to start another adventure… the adventure of love…

 

[Xiang]

Better than the prologue, but you should double space for a new paragraph like this:

Soandso said something.

Another character says something, but since TAB doesn't work on the forums, there is a double space.

I think I said that on the forums many times. XD

Not that bad, although he began to look sort of like a Gary-Sue, or a person who is seemingly unrealistic because he ssems too perfect and or invincible. This is his first battle. How'd he win so easily? And Gym Leaders are never easy and pushover-y. That is never the case, even if the challenger has the advantage. Keep that in mind.

 

[Night Avenger]

Thanks I'll have that in mind

 

[pik achoo]

That's very good, so far.

 

[Night Avenger]

Thanks

 

[Magi of all]

I don’t know if you got my last review, so here is one for your new fic and chapter one

New title: teh l33t 63\/73\/\/34(reviewer) Magi.
I crit joo

To start with, you still have very little actual description. If you are writeing this like a diary, which if you are, please tells us this so we can all stop saying it, it still should have a bit more to it than this. Your prologue should be longer. It should set up the plot, give us something to hook us. Read the prologue form Quest for the Legends(by Dragonfree) and that should give you a good idea on what to do.

Now, your character that we see(Jack and Rosie) could easily be named Gary and Mary. As in Gary-stu and Mary-sue. Both of them are bland, unoriginal and boring. They are two-dimensional. Try and craft a character with faults, feelings and real human reaction. Give them some interesting pokemon. Tauros is rarely seen in fan-fics that I know of, but show us something interesting.

Your pokemon are pokebots plane and simple. They are soulless machines that are only battle tools for the trainer. Give them voices and personality. Pokemon may not be able to talk in the anime, but you can do what you want here. I would suggest doing that because a) it adds more original characters to the story and b) it allows you a free way out of a plot hole if you get stuck in one. It also can be used for creativity in battle Thinks of this. Jack orders Tauros to headbutt an Ariados. As he charges, Ariados uses spider web and stops him in his tracks. A cynical Tauros would probably say something like “nice going Jack” or some other retort. If he had a fiery personality, he might get angry and attack the Ariados for using cheap tactics to win. Any number of things could happen.

You sentences don’t flow very well, you go right form the dream to farm life to pokemon. These should all be developed into separate chapters or left out all together. Your dream sequence also needs work. Dreams of prophetic nature, be they a talent or a single occurrence, are rarely that clear. Use something vague that could represent anything from Santa Clause to Cerberus(ok, not that vague). Point is, think of a real dream when you write one.

The Haunter thing was really pointless. The only thing I got from it was that you can’t write battles very well. Attacks don’t just occur. Describe them, give use a vivid image of two creatures of moderate power struggling against one another, not a list of attacks that just happened somewhere. Dragonfree has good battles, look at her stuff.

When Jack gets his first pokemon, nothing really happens. He waits thirteen years for one and suddenly he get TWO of them and only mentions them as foot notes. He than list the attacks they know as if they are game sprites. Pokemon are alive in his world. A Torchic is a real bird with feathers and claws. Tauros is a real bull with strong hooves and horns. Think of an animal when you talk about them, not a sprite. Another problem is we have no concept of time as jack experiences it. It could have taken him months to teach a pokemon something or it may have taken five minuets. Pokemon don’t just learn attacks, they practice and perfect them to get better, like a football player running drills. Use attacks to include important events, don’t just ride them off like nothing. Jacks first battle is also only mentioned briefly at the end of the paragraph before the fight actually starts. Its his first battle, why is he not nervous, or anxious, or scared.

Speaking of the battle, it’s nothing at all. You ride it off like its nothing. A Torchic and a Tauros would need a bit more skill to beat an Ivysaur and Stantler. Give use a look into the battle. Show the reaction of everyone involved. Jack, Random Boy #24, the pokemon, bystanders, or anyone else important in the scene. Don’t be afraid to lose either. New trainers don’t win every battle they fight. It’s not like life resets like in the game when you lose. Everything still happens, your life still goes on(unless evil is involved) Also, Stantler fell, not falled.

The Houndoom thing was kind of weird. They Houndoom, which seem to be powerful wild pokemon, just attack for no reason and are beaten back by a Tauros that has had only one battle that we can see. Read a Dragonfree battle and you will probably see the large difference between a good battle and this. Houndour’s entrance is still really weird. He just randomly appears out of nowhere, with a “hint of rebelty(which, if it is a word, is not a very good one to use).” Give us a reason. He could be the runt of the pack and could finally lose it as Jacks team gets beaten back by the opposition. He could see Jack as a way to get stronger and that’s why he fights. Give use a reasonable reason (that’s a weird thing to say). And why in the world, after a major crisis has fallen on them and Jacks mom may need him more than ever at the ranch does she descided to let him leave on a journey. We need another reasonable reason. Also, you put out fires, not turn them off.

Know what you need here, a chapter break. If you expand this, you have a really good chapter going, so the next stuff just seems pointless.

The trainer just jumps out of the bushes? WTF that’s just random. Trainers are people just like your character. Make them real. He could run out of the wood after a pokemon or just be walking down the road in another direction. The battle with him is just as bad as the last ones, although it was better spaced. Try and refrain from one hit K.O.s. they really sheapen the battle up and make a character look like a really lucky/skilled trainer. Avoid them like the plaque. Houndour also has Supper Skitty syndrome. Where as Torchic loses in one hit, Houndour knocks out two pokemon, one of whom he’s weak against. Jack using Houndour also seems weird. He has Tauros or Houndour to fight with. One he know will listen to him and fight as he says, the other he has one battle with. Tauros would have been a better option. Johnny giving him a pokenav at the end of the battle is still weird and random, but a bit less so than the last time.

Explain the professor more. He know nothing about her. How does Jack know her? Why is she a professor? Why could she have been a star? EXPLAIN!

Gym battles that are one on four are another thing you NEVER do. Same tips for the last battle apply here.

Now we come to Rosie. Ask why. Why are her parents protective? Why can she lead a Gym, but not travel? Why could she leave after a burglar entered the house? Why would she suddenly fall in love with a random guy she just met? Ask any Why question you can and if there is no answer now or a plan for one later, write it in. It will make the story better and lengthen the chapters. Trust me.

On another note, avoid your chapter three. Furret is the only thing of value form the chapter, so get him in some other way. Do not use a rehash of a filler everyone hates.

All in all, pretty bad. Make these changes and you might get somewhere with this fic. Write what you want, but write it well.

P.S. If this is suppose to be a journal, ask for help in the Authors Café, because I can’t help there.

 

[mindripper]

Even though I have to give points for first person POV, you have a lot of work to do. The first thing you sould do would be to run everything through a spell check. Use Word or something. Some of your tenses were pretty terrible.

Also, buildup every battle. DO not just have your character going up against some random character without the least bit of description leading into the moment. It takes away from the battle itself. Also, you might want to make your character a little less perfect and a little more human.

Wish yo good luck for your next chapter. Good luck dude.

 

[SnoringFrog]

Alright, this is short, too short actually, you need to make it much longer.

about anything else but, no having

I don't think you need that comma, and it should be not.

run, terrorized.

I believe it's terrified.

He saw Kadabra and licked his back. Kadabra ignored him, Haunter licked him again, then Kadabra stopped. Haunter walked back and his eyes began to turn red. Hypnosis. Kadabra turned and fell asleep. Then Haunter’s eyes begun to glow blue and a white beam came out of Kadabra and into Haunter’s mouth. Dream Eater. Suddenly, the beam stopped to flow, Kadabra woke up. His eyes begun to glow purple, he bent his spoon and Haunter fell to the floor, He stood up, he was surrounded by black waves, Kadabra was surrounded by purple waves. The Night Shade and Psywave attacks collided. The two Pokémon were flying through the airs. Haunter stood up, Kadabra didn’t. Next day we didn’t found Kadabra, he escaped.

THis entire battle scene is very choppy, and nowhere near as good as it could be. Half the time the sentences started with he. It just doens't feel as though I'm watching the battle happen; it's like I'm just reading a list of what happened, in condensed form. You could make this battle much longer which would help with your overall length problem. Also, it should be find in the last sentence, not found.

I’ve got an A at school and mom gave me a Torchic and the baby Tauros as a prize, yeah my first two pokemon, this is so cool. I’ve taught Torchic how to do Ember and Peck, he already knew Scratch and Growl. I’ve also taught Tauros Headbutt and Stomp, he already knew Tackle and Tail Whip. By the way, I’ve challenged a guy at school to a Double Battle, I’m sure Torchic and Tauros will do well.

You need to try and vary your sentence structure. Here you use the exact same sentence twice in a row, you just switch a few words around. It gets quite boring actually.

I won the battle. He sent an Ivysaur and a Stantler. Torchic begun with an ember to Ivysaur, Tauros and Stantler were both attacking each other with Headbutt. Ivysaur used Vine Whip to trap Torchic, but Tauros left Stantler and with a Stomp he left Ivysaur knocked out. Torchic used Ember and left Stantler burnt.Tauros used Tail Whip and Stantler was really angry. He run towards Tauros but he dodged him. Stantler hit a tree. He fell and fainted. “Stantler can’t continue, I win!” I shouted. Everybody was really excited, “Jack! Jack! Jack!” was the only thing that could be heard at school.

Alright, another near-descriptionless battle. If you actually take the effort to put soem description into this fic, it might fix your length problem. ALso, this battle was quite confusing as you used he almost every other word in some sentences, half the time I had to guess who was attacking. And you used run instead of ran in there too.

Another Houndoom came, but a Houndour joined

Uhh... What the heck is going on here? It looks to me as if you didn't even finish the chapter, not to mention that again you could have had much more description on what you've done on this scene so far.

Well, there you have it, my review. I would say your primary problem is yor description and flow. You have next to no description, and alot of this fic reads very choppily, you suddenly jump from one thing to another over and over again. If you tried to vary your sentences a little, it woould make it sound better, and if you put in some description, it would help you alot with your length problem.

.::S-Frog::.

 

[Night Avenger]

Well, I have improved it a little, and the:
"Another Houndoom camed but a Houndour joined..." thing was just because it was too long and a post couldn't be that long (I had to get rid of double spaces)

 

[Xiang]

You could always split it into two posts so it doesn't have to strain our eyes.

 

[Night Avenger]

Chapter 2: The War Between the Prairies & the Mischievous Gym Leader

Rosie is beautiful, when I see her, a strange feeling appears inside me. It’s not the love I had with my mom, it’s another kind of love… I want her to be with me for all my life!!

We’ve been in a forest (I think it’s called Saphoney Forest) for three long days. I think we’re lost, but Rosie keeps her happiness. We’ve seen lots of Bug Pokémon. When we first saw a Yanma, I thought she was going to run screaming: “A bug! A bug!” But instead she started feeding the Yanma. That dragonfly followed us for two days!! Today I’ve found a Heracross and caught him. He was sucking sap from a tree. I threw a pokéball and he didn’t even notice it!! I caught him at the first try.

We finally got out of the forest. We didn’t notice that at the first time, we where walking ‘till we saw a light. It was a little light at the horizon, but when we came closer we realized that it was a farm. The farmer attended us very well. He gave us a room with two big beds and offered to let our pokémon sleep at the barn. That night at dinner, we felt a little tremor.
“They’ve started again… Why can’t they live in peace?” the farmer said.
“Who?” asked Rosie.
“Who?!! I’ll tell you who!! The Linoones and Furrets!! Since those two pokemon went here, they’ve kept fighting for the territory. I call it “The war between the prairies”. Some people have moved from here because of the damages this war has caused!” He shouted. That night I kept thinking of those pokémon. They should be stopped. But, how? How can someone stop a war? A war between pokémon?

The next morning we went to the prairies, after thanking the farmer and picking our pokémon who were playing at the barn. When we got there all the Linoones and Furrets were lying on the ground. They were all very weak, but when they saw us, they got up and run. Then we left our pokémon out of their pokéballs and got up a tree. Some time passed as the two pokémon races begun to appear. Two enormous armies of Linoones and Furrets appeared. Rosie’s Bulbasaur run to the center of the prairie, the other pokémon didn’t seem to notice that. Then our other pokémon run to help Bulbasaur. The two armies stopped and looked confused to our pokémon. How can they be together if they are so different? Why don’t they fight? I’m sure that was what they thought. Then Bulbasaur began talking with them. After a while our pokemon left the battlefield and the two armies walked towards the other one. Then the Linoones and Furrets began to play, as if they were friends from the beginning. Rosie jumped from the tree and threw a pokéball to a lonely Furret. She caught it.
“Well, I think they’re so cute that I couldn’t resist catching one!!” she said. When we were leaving, Bulbasaur run towards Rosie, they were staring at each other and after a minute she said:
“O.K. I understand that your place is here… Go Bulbasaur take care of them!!” she shouted. We were walking and after a long time she began crying… She broke my heart with her tears…
“Why? Why did he left me Jack?” she said.
“You know why… This pokémon needed him more than you need him…”
“But, but…”
“I’m sure he will always remember you.”
“Me too, Jack, me too…”
“I’m sure you will. But, please don’t cry, please, I’m begging you, you’re breaking my heart.”
“O.K.” she said. Some time passed and I said:
“Besides, you’ve got a nerd Furret!!”
“Shut up!!” she said and laughed.
“Where are we going now?” she asked.
“To the Raykahn City.”
“The one with the hyper active Gym leader?”
“Hahaha, yep!”

After walking for a day or two we’ve reached the city. Now we’re Training our Pokémon, Rosie’s Furret is very strong! He defeated my Heracross in no time! The battle was like this: Heracross used Megahorn, Furret used Dig, Heracross went up Flying, Furret jumped from the ground and used Thundershock, and then, Heracross fainted.

We found a Change- House here, we entered and Rosie was looking for people willing to give any beautiful pokémon when she found a guy advertising a Milotic, he was saying:
“Who doesn’t know Milotic the most beautiful Pokémon?, when it comes to beauty contests, Milotic is the Pokémon you’re looking for, I’ll exchange one for any Pokémon!” She went there running.
“I’ll give you my Sunkern for that Milotic!”
“O.K. let’s put our pokéballs in position, now press exchange!” A Greatball appeared where Rosie’s pokéball was.
“Go, Milotic!” she said.
“Feebas! Feeeeee!”
“What? A Feebas?! Stop that man, he’s stealing my Sunkern!” But it was too late, the man had already escaped. She keeps giving her Feebas blue Pokéblocks (which she had to make her pokémon more beautiful); she says that by doing this she’ll make it a lot more beautiful. I still think Feebas is very ugly…

When we went to the Gym they said that the Leader, Joey, wasn’t there. We went to look for him at the PokéMall where he should be, as the Gym guardian told us. He wasn’t there. We looked in all the city stores, and we couldn’t find him. Finally the guardian called us.
“This is terrible, our leader Joey has been kidnapped by Team Rocket!! Please, help him!”
“We’ve got to go help!” said Rosie.
“But where can we find them?”
“We’ll lure them to that hill…” she said. When we reached the hill she took Feeba's Greatball and said:
“Go Milotic!” a Milotic appeared from her pokéball
“What? A Milotic? Since when do you have one?”
“It’s a long story… When you were sleeping something odd occurred. I had given Feebas almost all my blue Pokéblocks, I had only one left. When I gave her the last one… She evolved to Milotic!!”
“And that would take Team Rocket here, because…”
“Because they’re always looking for rare Pokémon. And Milotic is a rare Pokémon.”
“O.K. now I understand.”

Suddenly, out of nowhere, two Rocket grunts appeared.
“Give us your Pokémon and nobody will be harmed!” said the first grunt.
“See what I told you!” said Rosie.
“Yeah, I see. You’ll have to take our Pokémon by the force!”
“Haha, I knew you would say that!” said the second Rocket.
“Go Combusken!”
“Go Furret!”
“Go Sableye!”
“Go Mawile!”
“Combusken, Double Kick!”
“Furret, Dig!”
“Mawile, catch Combusken’s feet with Bite!”
“Sableye, use Swift to Furret!” Furret appeared and was hit by Sableye’s Swift.
“Furret, Thundershock! Then Slam him with your Tail!” Sableye was hit and fainted.
“Combusken, Ember to Mawile, she’s a Steel Pokémon!” Mawile couldn’t escape and was defeated.
“Now tell us where you have Joey!”
“Joey? Who is Joey?”
“Come on don’t tell me you don’t know him. The little guy you kidnapped!”
“Kidnap? Us? I’m sure that we steal pokémon but we could never kidnap a little kid!” suddenly my PokéNav began to ring.
“Hello, who is it?”
“It’s me the Gym guardian. Joey was never kidnapped by Team Rocket, that mischievous boy… Sorry for the inconvenients…”
“WHAT! HE TRICKED US?! TELL HIM THAT I’M GOING THERE! AND HE SHOULD BE SCARED!” said Rosie.
“I’m not scared!” said a little voice.
“YOU SHOULD!” she took my PokéNav and yelled:
“DID YOU HEAR ME?!”
“Yes…”
“DID YOU HEAR ME?!!!”
“Yes!” then she closed the PokéNav. When we looked, the Rockets were gone. We walked all the way to the city again and when we reached the Gym Joey was waiting for us at the door.
“Sorry for all the problems I gave ya… I’m eight years old! Sorry… I want you to have this…” he handed us two medals.
“Thanks.” I said.
“Thanks? We deserved this!” Rosie said angrily.
“Well, I said sorry so please don’t hit me!” A Granbull suddenly appeared and tried to attack Rosie.
“Bully, come back! Sorry, he’s my best pokémon in this Normal-Type Gym so he is a little protective…”
“Don’t worry!!” I said. “Rosie, let’s go to the next city!”
“O.k. we’re now going to… Secht City!”
“O.K. then, Secht City, what Gym Leader is there?”
“Zoey, the Flying-Type Gym Leader!”
“O.K. then, Zoey, prepare for two big battles!”
“Which we’ll surely win!”
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For everyone to know these two Rockets will be as Jessie and James with Jack & Rosie, they'll follow them through all of their adventures. In the next chapter their names will be revealed.

 

[Avenger Angel]

Well you asked, so here I am.

How much I liked your story: 2/10 – I won’t lie about this, I really couldn’t get into it. The diary-type style is definitely not the best choice for a serious fan fiction, and I highly recommend trying something else on your next story. It’s tough to work with, it skips tons of events that could have been interesting to use in the story, and the very character of the story itself is tarnished with experiences and events being reduced to everyday logs. It makes it very uninteresting to read. Also, I’m not very crazy about the style. Seems very Gary-Sue in my opinion with your main character defeating everyone and catching every Pokémon he lays eyes on with virtually zero effort. That, and the battles are reduced to one or two sentences of just a recollection of what happened rather than letting the reader really get into the details of the battle. To say the least, these things really need to be fixed.

How much I liked your description: 3/10 – Meh, it was just barely there in some cases, and totally non-existent in others. As the reader, you want all the juicy details on how the battles are like, and you’re itching to see cleverly used wordplay to describe the setting and open it up to the viewer. You’ve got to do that if you want to net people’s interest. Maybe it’s just me, but I think most people would rather see every battle play out with action and suspense. Again, the log style really doesn’t do that. However, I can see slight bits of improvement from the prologue to Chapter 2, but there’s still a long way to go.

How much I liked your characters: 2/10 – This too, needs some work. Your characters can’t be invincible, flawless, Pokémon-catching robots that never feel challenged by anything. Not only does it make them seem less interesting, but it really gives them a hard, arrogant aura around them and the reader would probably love to see them get nailed in a battle as opposed to readers loving and assocating with your characters. Really work hard on developing each character’s personality to avoid this. Try thinking of someone you know and model a character after them for starters, even if it’s yourself. Don’t make it like chewing gum without a flavor…

How much I liked your plot and setting: 1.5/10 – I’m really apprehensive toward trainer fics in the first place, so unless they’re good, I really don’t like them. Judging from the title, I honestly didn’t think this would be a trainer fic and would be much more about the Lone Lone Pokémon Ranch itself, but after the prologue, everything about the ranch just seems to disappear. Then, Jack goes on a catching and conquering spree and I can honestly say it really went downhill from there. If you’re going to do a trainer fic, then try your absolute hardest to bring something new and interesting to the table. Make sure the main character doesn’t have a one-way ticket down easy street and has weaknesses and downfalls in their battling style. How can we appreciate the main character’s success if he never ever faces a failure?

How much realism was in the story: 1.5/10 – Mmm, not very much. Again, I stress hard not to make it easy for the main character so many times with both battling and catching. Challenges are supposed to be just that… challenging! A trainer fic should avoid being a “to do” list at all possible costs. And without some good description, it leaves the reader wondering what’s happening rather than enjoying the story itself. Plus, it just doesn’t seem real. Nothing is ever that easy…

In Closing…: – It needs a lot of work. I know you have edited it and you want it to be the best it could be, but rather than remaining persistent with this story, I encourage you to start on a clean slate and try a whole new story out for size. Try to avoid making another trainer fic, and stay away from this kind of journal setup. Make the story more about enjoying the journey rather than just going from point A to point B. I’m sure a lot more people would get more out of it.

Also, to avoid making a bias review, I avoided reading Magi of all’s review until I was finished writing this one. Again, he also brings up some very key points on how to improve this story of yours. I hope you pay attention to these because they will help you greatly if you take them seriously.