Night Avenger
Rust In Peace
Thanks for reviewing, and I'll have that in mind for the next chapter 
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The Lone Lone Pokemon Ranch
- Thread starter Night Avenger
- Start date
- Status
After reading this story, I've come to the conclusion that you may need to seek the help of people in the advice threads in the Author's cafe in order to rethink the story. You have some talent but you are in need of being descriptive in order to get a clear image in the reader's head. Right now, as it stands I am not getting a clear image of things. Also, It's probably not a good idea to post smilies in the post as it gets annoying and very distracting to the reader.
LX
LX
Night Avenger
Rust In Peace
(Taking Notes)
Description... Author's Cafe... Ask for advice... Smilies... Got it!!
Thanks
Description... Author's Cafe... Ask for advice... Smilies... Got it!!
Thanks
ImJessieTR
I WON'T kiss Ash...
My review...
This does read like a bunch of journal entries. However, I disagree that it's necessarily a bad thing. The Diary of Anne Frank is an example of a famous book that is just a bunch of journal entries.
There seems to be so little emotion. As the young rancher was watching the battle with the murkrow and manetric, or the kadabra and the haunter -- the kid should have been feeling something, because I'm sure his pokemon did. Something along the lines of: The kadabra had been sitting cross-legged in the kitchen, completely still, not even breathing visibly -- all to lure the ghost pokemon. Sure enough, the haunter, unable to bear a pokemon that ignored it, playfully licked the psychic pokemon's face. Although I could see shivers running up kadabra's spine, the psychic pokemon kept a straight face. However, its fingers were beginning to rub the lone spoon in its hand. The haunter, growing more and more visibly irritated, used its powers to levitate the kadabra close to the ceiling fan. My mother and I gasped. ... and so on... Readers need to know not just a character's behavior and physical description, but also their interior motivations.
I'll go ahead and be honest. While I think that this fic so far is okay, I personally appreciate more complex plots than this. I was kinda hoping that the obsessive dreams about houndoom would have led to something deeper than just foretelling the houndour's capture (although you still have time to make this a deeper story without changing the beginning chapters). Like I said, it's not bad, but it isn't great either. But practice can fix that.
This does read like a bunch of journal entries. However, I disagree that it's necessarily a bad thing. The Diary of Anne Frank is an example of a famous book that is just a bunch of journal entries.
There seems to be so little emotion. As the young rancher was watching the battle with the murkrow and manetric, or the kadabra and the haunter -- the kid should have been feeling something, because I'm sure his pokemon did. Something along the lines of: The kadabra had been sitting cross-legged in the kitchen, completely still, not even breathing visibly -- all to lure the ghost pokemon. Sure enough, the haunter, unable to bear a pokemon that ignored it, playfully licked the psychic pokemon's face. Although I could see shivers running up kadabra's spine, the psychic pokemon kept a straight face. However, its fingers were beginning to rub the lone spoon in its hand. The haunter, growing more and more visibly irritated, used its powers to levitate the kadabra close to the ceiling fan. My mother and I gasped. ... and so on... Readers need to know not just a character's behavior and physical description, but also their interior motivations.
I'll go ahead and be honest. While I think that this fic so far is okay, I personally appreciate more complex plots than this. I was kinda hoping that the obsessive dreams about houndoom would have led to something deeper than just foretelling the houndour's capture (although you still have time to make this a deeper story without changing the beginning chapters). Like I said, it's not bad, but it isn't great either. But practice can fix that.
Night Avenger
Rust In Peace
Thanks, I'll now be more "descriptive"
M
Magi of all
Guest
You requested a review. Your wish is my command. *Magical girl transformation*
Magical Girl Mighty Magi (This is so wrong seeing as how I’m a guy)
Anyway, since I review by chapter I may as well get started
Ch 1: Not reviewing your prologue to save space, but it seriously needs work. If you want to write in diary sequence, you need to include things in different days. However, I would suggest you make it in third person. To begin, your first paragraph seems to flow very awkwardly. You go directly form a dream to a birth to jealousy over not having a pokèmon. If the dream is important then it should get a lot more description and at least two paragraphs. While we are on the subject, your paragraphs should always have a space between them. This keeps the eyes from being confused and skipping lines of dialogue that might be important. Next up, the part about Haunter being in the house is very pointless. It’s kind of like an anime filler and those are a no-no in fiction. Events should take place for a reason and advance the story in some way, be it major or minor. Also, when you say he was defeated so many times he escaped, we have little idea who you are talking about. It could be Haunter or Kadabra, no one knows.
Your first pokèmon sequence is really kind of bland. First you have your character whine about not getting pokèmon and then you have him just pass it off like its nothing. Another problem is your attack list. Pokemon don’t just learn attacks instantly, it takes time
On to the battles. Both of them are bland and boring. Pokemon use attacks almost in turn and the attacks have no description. I could do the same thing with tiny toys and have the same effect. It’s really bad. Also, Stantler should have fainted, not falled. Your other fight was equally bad. A Torchic, Tauros, and Houndour could probably not defeat a Houndoom pack, not without a lot of luck and grave injuries. Another problem is Houndour’s random appearance. It really needs an explanation. All in all, this chapter sucked. His Moms acceptance of his departure is also kind of random and weird.
Ch 2: A trainer jumped out of the bushes? People don’t just stand around like in the game. Other trainers move around, they walk with friends, they run out of the woods while looking for pokèmon. They don’t wait in bushes to ambush random trainers. The battle was just really bad, same as the last chapters. Torchic loses in one hit, then Houndour fights three battles in a row, getting hit by multiple super effective attacks. After just fainting, Tauros. Also, dizziness does not cause something to faint, but it could have made it more vulnerable. Also, why in the world would Johnny just give up a pokenav to a random stranger? Something must be wrong with his head. The professor scene was weird, when did he ever meet her and why did she insist on the lack of a title.
The gym battle was really bland and stupid. One hit K.O.s are really cheap and stupid. The scene afterward was really just dumb. It really needs work. The relation seems rushed and forced. No part of it makes sense. People don’t just randomly love people. It’s really irrational.
Ch 3: Pointless filler based on the worst filler in Jhoto. If you revise this, (which I recommend,) remove this chapter and put in something original. Nothing else to say about this bland and pointless chapter.
Ch. 4: Milotic just randomly evolving is pointless. Why would she have a bunch of random blue pokeblocks laying around. It makes not sense at all.
I really think you should rewrite your fic as soon as possible. You really need to work on your writing. Read advice for aspiring authors and any high rated fic in the Forum. It could be a good fic, but it needs a LOT of work.
P.S. Sorry if I came off as angry and mean, but I have had a rough day.
Magical Girl Mighty Magi (This is so wrong seeing as how I’m a guy)
Anyway, since I review by chapter I may as well get started
Ch 1: Not reviewing your prologue to save space, but it seriously needs work. If you want to write in diary sequence, you need to include things in different days. However, I would suggest you make it in third person. To begin, your first paragraph seems to flow very awkwardly. You go directly form a dream to a birth to jealousy over not having a pokèmon. If the dream is important then it should get a lot more description and at least two paragraphs. While we are on the subject, your paragraphs should always have a space between them. This keeps the eyes from being confused and skipping lines of dialogue that might be important. Next up, the part about Haunter being in the house is very pointless. It’s kind of like an anime filler and those are a no-no in fiction. Events should take place for a reason and advance the story in some way, be it major or minor. Also, when you say he was defeated so many times he escaped, we have little idea who you are talking about. It could be Haunter or Kadabra, no one knows.
Your first pokèmon sequence is really kind of bland. First you have your character whine about not getting pokèmon and then you have him just pass it off like its nothing. Another problem is your attack list. Pokemon don’t just learn attacks instantly, it takes time
On to the battles. Both of them are bland and boring. Pokemon use attacks almost in turn and the attacks have no description. I could do the same thing with tiny toys and have the same effect. It’s really bad. Also, Stantler should have fainted, not falled. Your other fight was equally bad. A Torchic, Tauros, and Houndour could probably not defeat a Houndoom pack, not without a lot of luck and grave injuries. Another problem is Houndour’s random appearance. It really needs an explanation. All in all, this chapter sucked. His Moms acceptance of his departure is also kind of random and weird.
Ch 2: A trainer jumped out of the bushes? People don’t just stand around like in the game. Other trainers move around, they walk with friends, they run out of the woods while looking for pokèmon. They don’t wait in bushes to ambush random trainers. The battle was just really bad, same as the last chapters. Torchic loses in one hit, then Houndour fights three battles in a row, getting hit by multiple super effective attacks. After just fainting, Tauros. Also, dizziness does not cause something to faint, but it could have made it more vulnerable. Also, why in the world would Johnny just give up a pokenav to a random stranger? Something must be wrong with his head. The professor scene was weird, when did he ever meet her and why did she insist on the lack of a title.
The gym battle was really bland and stupid. One hit K.O.s are really cheap and stupid. The scene afterward was really just dumb. It really needs work. The relation seems rushed and forced. No part of it makes sense. People don’t just randomly love people. It’s really irrational.
Ch 3: Pointless filler based on the worst filler in Jhoto. If you revise this, (which I recommend,) remove this chapter and put in something original. Nothing else to say about this bland and pointless chapter.
Ch. 4: Milotic just randomly evolving is pointless. Why would she have a bunch of random blue pokeblocks laying around. It makes not sense at all.
I really think you should rewrite your fic as soon as possible. You really need to work on your writing. Read advice for aspiring authors and any high rated fic in the Forum. It could be a good fic, but it needs a LOT of work.
P.S. Sorry if I came off as angry and mean, but I have had a rough day.
I'm here with the Review you ask for. And....i'm sorry to say that your description wasn't very good and you need to space out everthing. Grammer was ok.
Like other's say, it does seem like a bunch of journal entries. I
think you might want to go the authers cafe' and get help or
read other peoples fic. It really wasn't that good. I'm soo Sorry.
As always, be kind to the mime.
Like other's say, it does seem like a bunch of journal entries. I
think you might want to go the authers cafe' and get help or
read other peoples fic. It really wasn't that good. I'm soo Sorry.
As always, be kind to the mime.
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