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The Magikarp Girl

Xtra

You will be missed:(
Chapter 1

In a house at Mauville City, Anita couldn't sleep. She knew that she would recieve word on her scores from the pokemon test tomorrow. Whether she was able to receive her license and go on a journey hinged on that score. She knew that she studied well, but still, she was worried. If she didn't pass, she'd have to wait almost a year, and take the classes again.

She sat up in bed, twirling a few strands of her shoulder length brown hair around one finger. Outside, she could hear the sounds of nocturnal pokemon like Oddish and Poochyena on one of the nearby routes. From her studies, she knew that Oddish was most likely absorbing moonlight, and the Poochyena was probably searching for prey.

She glanced at the computer in the corner, sitting on her desk. Next to it, she had her belt pouch, all packed with the things she would need for her journey. Around the room was various plushies she played with when she was younger, as well as some posters of famous trainers. Even though her mom was never a trainer, she still supported Anita's dream to become one.

She laid back down on her bed, soon falling into a fitful sleep. The next thing she knew, she was being woken up by the sun filtering in her room outside, and the smells of breakfast downstairs. She hopped out of bed, got dressed in her trainer clothes, and grabbed her backpack. She then went downstairs, where her mother had pancakes ready.

"Oh, Anita, good morning," her mother said, then handed her an envelope. "I'm guessing that you'll be wanting to read this."

She took the envelope from her mother, carefully opening it and reading what the piece of paper said inside. The first word she saw was "Congratulations".

She quickly read the rest of the letter. It basically told her to go see Professor Pine to get her license, starter pokemon, pokedex, and 5 pokeballs. It included an address, but Anita already knew where his house was located, so she didn't need it.

---
After a quick breakfast, Anita grabbed her belt pouch, slipped it around her waist, and rushed over to the professor's house. Her house was right next to the pokemart, and his house was on the east side of town. So it wasn't too far of a walk.

Anyway, she walked in and looked around the lab. It was mostly wide open, with computers here and there. Along one wall, There was a long bookcase, full of books. Along another wall, there was a shelf full of pokeballs. Each pokeball contained a basic pokemon for the trainers to get for their starter.

"Good morning, Anita," Professor Pine said, stepping out of the back room. "I'm guessing you're here for everything you need?"

Professor Pine was a young man in his 20's. He had brown hair, which was usually neatly combed back, wore glasses, and was usually dressed in a white lab coat and black pants.

Anita nodded, and the professor handed her the license first. The license had her picture, as well as her name, height, and weight. She also got 5 pokeballs, which were connected to a small belt clip. Last, she received her pokedex, which was put away in a pocket.

"So, what pokemon do I get to start with?" Anita asked.

"That's for you to decide, in a way," the professor said, waving a hand at the rows of pokeballs behind him. "Just choose one pokeball, and the pokemon inside is yours. The pokemon in these pokeballs should be simple for a beginner trainer to control, so you don't have to worry about that."

Anita went to the pokeballs and looked over them. They were all the same, and there were no labels. So it was impossible to tell which pokemon was in which ball. She reached out a hand and grabbed one of the red and white balls at random.

"That's now your pokemon, Anita," the professor said. "I wish you good luck on your journey."

"Let's see what I got," she said, pressing the button.

There was a flash of light, and a pokemon came out of the pokeball. When she could see what it was, she blinked and took another look, barely believing what pokemon she got.

The pokemon flopping in front of her, looking like a fish out of water...was a Magikarp.

To be continued...
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Magikarp! *squeals* I love Magikarp stories. Especially when they are the starting Pokémon.

Grammar was good. I personally feel that you should capitalize Pokéball and Pokédex because they are proper nouns and registered trademarks. It's like Kleenex. Other than that, it's good.

Description of the characters is something I need a bit more of. You don't have to give me a hair-by-hair description, but the basics would be nice. You did have the hair description there! But, at least you gave your character a personality. Instead of her just being uber-excited that she was going to be a trainer, you had her anxious! That's good.

Buuuuuth... Nothing more to say. Except that Magikarp are awesome!

-;129;
 

Xtra

You will be missed:(
firewater said:
wow that is pretty sad for a begginging pokemon, but it is a good story

Why do you think it called The Magikarp Girl? Anyways, thanks for the compliment.

Hanako Tabris said:
Magikarp! *squeals* I love Magikarp stories. Especially when they are the starting Pokémon.

PM me some links to the other stories.

Hanako Tabris said:
Grammar was good. I personally feel that you should capitalize Pokéball and Pokédex because they are proper nouns and registered trademarks. It's like Kleenex. Other than that, it's good.

Description of the characters is something I need a bit more of. You don't have to give me a hair-by-hair description, but the basics would be nice. You did have the hair description there!

I'll be sure to get that right in the future.

Hanako Tarbis said:
But, at least you gave your character a personality. Instead of her just being uber-excited that she was going to be a trainer, you had her anxious! That's good.

Thanks.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Just to let you know... There are no other stories with Magikarp. ;-; No one else writes about the lonely little fish, and that's exactly why I love your story. So please, keep it up!

At least, no other stories that I have seen? Has anyone?
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
She also got 5 pokeballs, which were connected to a small belt clip.
It basically told her to go see Professor Pine to get her license, starter pokemon, pokedex, and 5 pokeballs.
5 > five. Yeah, never take shortcuts.


Other comments:
"Just choose one pokeball, and the pokemon inside is yours. The pokemon in these pokeballs should be simple for a beginner trainer to control, so you don't have to worry about that."
Simple his foot. Magikarp is suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrreeeeeee simple. :p
Anita went to the pokeballs and looked over them. They were all the same, and there were no labels. So it was impossible to tell which pokemon was in which ball. She reached out a hand and grabbed one of the red and white balls at random.
"So I'm guessing Mr. Professor here doesn't know how to give pokemon away and just let her choose it ramdomly," I say smiling. :p

Other than that, no other mistakes, or comments.
Just to let you know... There are no other stories with Magikarp. ;-;
There was one. It was about this girl named Angel who was training a Magikarp. Not as the starter, but second pokemon. But it was funny how it was used. :p Like a blugeon. It's gone now.

Anyway, like I said, no other comments. Keep it up. ^_^

~PEACE~
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
*coughs* Hanako, right now there are, you forgot about the bludgeon fish already? Or maybe you never read the OT fic I made, ah well.

I'm only going to point out one thing, that I feel should be pointed out. Magikarp is a fish basically with no attacks. Right? Well right now I bet it would only know splash. So, how is she goung to use the magikarp in battle? Or catch other pokemon? Rely on the magikarp's super strong bone like scales to protect it and wear down others?

I'm just trying to point out how could she start with a Magikarp and obtain more pokemon, as they are a pretty pathetic pkmn. It's an original idea, just doesn't seemed well thought out.
 

Xtra

You will be missed:(
Renegade said:
I'm just trying to point out how could she start with a Magikarp and obtain more pokemon, as they are a pretty pathetic pkmn. It's an original idea, just doesn't seemed well thought out.

I already thought that through, and you'll find out in chapter 2
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Renegade said:
*coughs* Hanako, right now there are, you forgot about the bludgeon fish already? Or maybe you never read the OT fic I made, ah well.

Nope. You left before I signed up. And by the time that I finally got around to the Fanfiction section, your fic was lost in the masses. That's what I get for being on fanfiction.net first. :/

*sigh* Another fic to read once I get out of school... Don't worry, Renegade! I'll get right on it! *salutes*

And now to read the other fics I have waiting, while writing my own, while waiting for chapter two of this.

EDIT: Renegade, just finished reading your fic. Too bad you had to close it due to other people. :/ At least you're back now.
 
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Dragon trainer

Arise from the Ashes
actually thereis one other fic, where magikarp is the starter its called MagiMagikarp, its on fanfiction.net

btw i've given up on my fic, im doing one where Mareep, and the rival's is lotad or geodude.
 

Xtra

You will be missed:(
Chapter 2

"A Magikarp. I still can't believe it," Anita thought.

After finding out she got a Magikarp, she went to the pokemon center in town. She was sitting at one of the tables in the pokemon center. She was staring at Magikarp's ball, which sat on the table in front of her.

Suddenly, she was staring at a turkey sandwich. Anita looked up to see Bryan, one of her closest friends. He had short black hair and piercing green eyes. Some of her friends joked that they were boyfriend and girlfriend, but Anita always denied this.

"You look a little down, Anita. So I thought some food may help," he said, sitting down in the chair in front of her.

"I guess I am a little hungry," Anita said, unwrapping the sandwich. "So, what did you get?"

Bryan pulled out his pokeball and pressed the button. In a flash, a Spearow came out of the ball and landed on the table. When she saw that Bryan was right behind her, she fluttered up to land on his shoulder. Bryan stroked her head.

"Meet Spear, my Spearow," he said, then looked at the ball sitting on the table. "Is that your Magikarp?"

"Yeah, don't remind me," Anita muttered.

"Well, you should at least give it a nickname," Bryan said, then smiled. "You could name it Useless, and you wouldn't be too far off."

They both had a laugh at that, then Anita said, "No, he needs something that'll reflect what he'll become someday...like Karpinator."

Bryan thought about that one.

"I'm not sure if that'll work for a Magikarp," Bryan replied. "But it's your choice. At least he'll be a Gyrados someday."

Anita started to answer, then there was something that she remembered. She was so disappointed over the Magikarp that she totally forgot.

"Oh, man, I have to get home. My mom wanted to give me a gift if I got my license. See you around," Anita told him, as she grabbed Magikarp's ball started for the door.

"Wait," Bryan said, standing up and grabbing her shoulder. "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to travel on our journey together."

"Together?" Anita replied, then smiled. "Why not? It'll be fun."

They made plans to meet up the next morning, and Anita left the center towards home.

"Where were you, Anita?" her mom said, when she walked in. "I was starting to think you forgot about little old me and already left."

"No, Bryan and I are leaving tomorrow," she said.

"Give me a call when you decide to start dating him," her mother joked.

"Moooooooooooom!" Anita replied.

Anita's mother gave her a card with 3000 credits on it, to use at any pokemart. She also gave her a pokenav, with her number already registered on it.

"Now, there's one more thing," her mother said, leading Anita into her room. Anita was almost never inside, so she looked around with a mild curiosity.

The room was sparkling clean (her mother wouldn't stand for anything less). The bed in one corner was large enough for one person, and had white sheets on it. There was an end table next to it, with a lamp and a half finished book next to it.

The dresser was black, and stood against the wall next to the walk in closet. Since the window was open, the white curtains flowed gently in the breeze.

Anyway, her mother opened the door, and Anita gasped. it was the last thing she expected to see. A small shelf was inside, lined with pokeballs, about 20 in total. Every ball was clearly marked with a label, so you could tell what was inside. Anita turned to her mother.

"I thought you told me you were never a pokemon trainer," Anita said.

"I knew that if I told you I was, you would beg me for a pokemon. I retired from pokemon training, and I wanted you to be fully licensed before I gave you one. Pick any one you want," she replied.

Anita walked in the closet, as her mother left to do something else. She scanned the pokeballs, trying to choose which one would be the best one to join in with her Magikarp. She also wanted to make sure that Spear would get along with it as well, so bug pokemon were definitely out.

As she scanned the labels, wondering which one would suit her best, her shoulder bumped against some clothes hanging nearby. She turned towards them to push them out of the way, when she noticed one of the outfits.

The shirt was striped black and white, like a prison uniform. The pants, being blue, did not go together with the shirt. But it was the bandana with the outfit that caught Anita's eye. It was blue, like the pants, and there was a white emblem on the front.

The unmistakable emblem of Team Aqua.
 

ex-ty

Swift and deadly
MAGIKARP!!

I love Magikarp even if people call them rubbish. Good twist though having her mum be from Team Aqua. I'm guessing they'll come into the story later on then. Anyway this is a really good fic
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Useless the Magikarp... ;-; That nearly broke my Magikarp-loving heart. And ex-ty, I don't think you love Magikarp more than me. No one does, or wants to.

What a twist at the end! I mean, I knew Anita's mom used to be a Pokémon trainer, because I read your preview, but a member of Team Rocket...! Shockers!

I didn't spot any mistakes, but then again, I'm not like lite/darcstars. I'm just here to read a fic about the world's cutest, unloved Water Poké...

;129; <3

Fwee...
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
What a twist at the end! I mean, I knew Anita's mom used to be a Pokémon trainer, because I read your preview, but a member of Team Rocket...! Shockers!
Umm...>->
The unmistakable emblem of Team Aqua.
Team Aqua?

Anyways, there was something that I found wrong...*prods, prods*
There was an end table next to it, with a lamp and a half finished book next to it.
Half-finished? I think it could be half-open, because you wouldn't refer to an open book as..half-finished, would you?

Anyways, I like short stuff. ^_^ I'll be back.

~PEACE~
 

Xtra

You will be missed:(
Hanako Tabris said:
Useless the Magikarp... ;-; That nearly broke my Magikarp-loving heart. And ex-ty, I don't think you love Magikarp more than me. No one does, or wants to.

I guess Magikarp does have fans

Hanako Tarbas said:
What a twist at the end! I mean, I knew Anita's mom used to be a Pokémon trainer, because I read your preview, but a member of Team Rocket...! Shockers!

It's Team Aqua. There's a diffrence.

Lightstars said:
Half-finished? I think it could be half-open, because you wouldn't refer to an open book as..half-finished, would you?

It wasn't open. It was closed, with a bookmark stuck in it. It was the first thing I thought of when I was describing it.

Anyways, for your pleasure, I'll give you a deleted scene:

When Anita said that Magikarp's nickname was Karpinator (Which, by the way, is the nickname of my own Magikarp), Bryan mentioned that she was naming it after a Schwarzenegger movie, which he didn't agree with.

Deleted because:I didn't think Schwarzenegger fit the world of pokemon.
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
It wasn't open. It was closed, with a bookmark stuck in it. It was the first thing I thought of when I was describing it.
The first thing I thought when I read that was a piece of cardboard with random paper around it. Half-finished. People would say they're half-finished with the book. Half-finished, when you're describing it, would be half made. Half-finished also could mean half-manufactured. ;P There's a difference.

~PEACE~
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Well, now see... I was reading this in the space of five minutes. *gets shot for her awful stupidity* Sorry. *jumps off cliff too, for good measure*

EDIT: Just thought that we can all use me as an example of when not to post. Especially when you just got done reading two fics about secret members of Team Rocket gone good. And when you have to go to work. *sigh* Sorry again. I feel like such an idiot to miss that. And to have two people point this out to me. *sigh* I'll shut up now.

Anywho, I'll just be sitting here. Waiting for an update, again.
 
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moonstone

Thunder Trainer
Good story. :) I liked how the mom is in Team Aqua... might Anita follow in her footsteps with a Gyrados? Just some speculation... Anyway, I thought it was good. Post a new chapter soon, please!
 
Very good so far. The Magikarp starter shure is......... Original to say the least. I wonder what Pokemon Anita will pick.
 

Torkoal

What? Exactly
Intresting. I do like that she had a Magicarp as her starter. Perhaps she will join Team Aqua, if this story is set before its disbanded. Magicarp does have some potential. If Anita gets an Experience Share, she could get it to be a Gyarados in no time. I do wonder which pokemon she'll chose. She might become a water trainer, or she might choose something to counter Magicarps weaknesses. I don't really know, but I'm sure you do. I'll come back here and give you a full review later.
 
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