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The Markiye Chronicles: Legacy of Constantine

Haunter

Johto Champion
Word count not including notes or the title: 1341
Word count including everything: 1473

The Markiye Chronicles: Legacy of Constantine
Prologue

The region of Markiye was a huge and – for the most part – untamed wilderness. It was filled with a bloody and violent past. Markiye's people – the Marki – had lived there and had respected the earth for countless generations. This did not mean, however, that they respected each other.

The past of the Marki was riddled with Clanwars and the deaths of hundreds of Marki. The most brutal and horrific Clanwar was the war between the two ancient Clans of the Doifre Llimtha – the Starlight Gazers – and the Ffoposc Rambeb – the Blessed People.

The Clanwar was fought over a period of twenty-seven years. It took place three-hundred and seventy-two years before Markiye was settled by the people of Kanto, Johto and Hoenn.

Atrocities were committed by both sides and all of the families involved lost at least one of their number. The Clanwar only ended because the ancient pokémon – named Ceticulusmipilis in Ancient Marki – intervened to stop the two Clans from exterminating each other. Since the day when the Skyvoyager had intervened, the two Clans carried a hatred for each other that ran so deep that members of each Clan seemed to be born with the intense hatred that characterised members of the two Clans.

Markiye was situated in the Northern Seas near the Polar Wastes and as a result, it was often very cold in the upper and more mountainous regions of Markiye.

There were, however, warm places in Markiye. The island of Cisibalt was one such place and so was the area of land known as the Southern Arm. The Navidan Archipelago was situated in the Sacred Blue – more commonly called the Southern Ocean – and was the warmest part of Markiye.

Markiye had only been settled by “civilised” people for two-hundred and fifty-seven years and had only been settled because of a terrorist group called the Crusaders of Constantine. The Crusaders were founded by a man named Mortimer Constantine who had, like many others of his era, had heard tell from the sailors of a marvellous new land filled with strange peoples and even stranger pokémon. The sailors – mostly, anyway - stayed away from these strange lands as the natives – both people and pokémon – were incredibly suspicious and even more superstitious and would often attack at sight if they were not led to believe that you meant no harm to them or their pokémon.

Constantine – unlike the majority of respectable society – had wanted to go there. He had heard one sailor – who had been on good terms with the natives – say that there was a practical pantheon of what were known as the Legendaries and Constantine's interest was captured.

Soon after hearing – and verifying, by word of a highly respectable drunk who frequented the White Poochyena tavern – the tale, Constantine – and some of his ragtag crew of followers who called themselves the Crusaders of Constantine – left their homes in central Hoenn and settled down in Markiye to search for the Markiye Legendaries.

After befriending a tribe of natives called the Marki Camp of the Polursine and of the Clan Ffoposc Rambeb, Constantine was led to a shrine on the coast that faced the Polar Wastes.

It was a shrine to Ceticulusmipilis, the Skyvoyager, and here, Constantine was told, was the spot to find Ceticulusmipilis at the Winter Solstice. Constantine was happy to wait for the Legendary Skyvoyager and so was not too put out when he was told that he had missed the most recent Solstice.

The Solstice came and, true to word, so did Ceticulusmipilis. The Polursine Marki – like they had done for generations – offered Ceticulusmipilis gifts – baskets, fruits and other items – but Constantine and his Crusaders captured the unaware Ceticulusmipilis with what the Marki called an utta – a windspirit. The utta was a small, wooden sphere holding a certain Nut that no pokémon could resist capture from. It had been used by the Marki for generations and the Polursine Marki had willingly given their knowledge to Constantine.

Constantine used the utta to command Ceticulusmipilis to lay waste to the Polursine Marki. Ceticulusmipilis, having no choice but to obey, killed the helpless people and their pokémon leaving behind nothing more than bloodied snow and charred body parts.

Constantine, seeing Ceticulusmipilis's destructive power, hatched a plan to lay waste to Kanto, Johto and Hoenn. He would have succeeded if it wasn't for a Marki named Huseresansaris – the Dawnprince. However, Constantine was not stopped quite soon enough.

Fearing his demise, Constantine set into motion plans that would carry themselves out if he were to die unexpectedly. One such plan was a war on the Three Regions of Pokémon. Thousands of people died in what could only be called a massacre due to Ceticulusmipilis.

The war went on for many years until the other Legendaries stepped in. Celebi, Mew and Jirachi negated the effects of the ussa as Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza healed the beaten earth. The Elemental Trio – Articuno, Moltres and Zapdos – reigned in the Crusaders even as the Golems of Rock, Steel and Ice subdued those who fought for the Three Regions. The Three Beasts of Johto had the unpleasant task of gathering up the numerous Markiye Legendaries and preventing them from declaring war on the Three Regions in revenge for Ceticulumipilis's imprisonment and abuse.

It was then decided by all the Legendaries – even those on Markiye who had always before stayed away from the other Legendaries – that contact with the humans was to be severely curtailed. The people of Markiye were outraged. Always before had they been in contact with the Legendaries and now that precious contact was to be cut off? It was not a move that was widely accepted by the Marki and several camps protested against the move violently.

It was then that the Three Regions of Pokémon decided to populate Markiye to prevent further threats coming from there. To do this, however, meant imposing on the Marki. Treaties were signed granting the settlers areas of land in areas uninhabited by the various Marki Camps.

The first major city to be built was that of Tal Markiye – a sprawling metropolis filled with all kinds of people and pokémon. Following Tal Markiye was the city of Swyrmrambeb meaning different people in the language of the Clans.

Years passed with nothing of any note happening until in the year 4280 by the reckoning of the Marki, somebody had the bright idea to begin a Pokémon League – Markiye Style. It was structured differently than those in Kanto or Johto or Hoenn.

Instead of fighting four elite trainers and then going on to fight the Champion, you’d fight four pairs of elite trainers in Double Battles. Then, if you were lucky enough, you’d get to face the Champion Duo who were the best trainers in the world. If you could beat them, they would lose their titles of “Grand High Trainer” and the title would then be given to whoever defeated the pair. The new pair would then become the Champion Duo – if they agreed to the honour.

The rules of the League state that: “Two trainers being of sound mind and body, over the approved age of fourteen years may take the Challenge issued by the Markiye Administration Pokémon League. Markiye, as defined by the Administration, includes Cisibalt, the Navidan Archipelago, the continent itself and the Polar Wastes. These rules apply in these places and in these places only.”

The Mandates of the Markiye Administration then proceed to go on about approved pokémon and number of badges needed to enter the League. It also states that only a pokémon caught in the wild or received from a Breeder was allowed as a “Starting pokémon.”

There were three Breeders on the Markiye mainland and two offshore. The three on the mainland were Breeder Anna, Breeder Courtney and Breeder Stan. Anna lived in Tal Markiye, Courtney in Swyrmrambeb and Stan lived in Caeffalscrioce.

The Breeders who lived offshore were Breeder Rachel and Breeder Judy. Rachel lived on Huserebemix of the Navidan Archipelago and Judy lived on Cisibalt.


Notes for the first major edit:

Parafral island and was changed and has become Cisibalt instead, meaning “holy island” in the language of the Clans.
The names of certain places have changed.
The Legendary Beats of Johto (who were previously omitted) have been added in.
Certain people have had gender and name changes and some have been scrapped altogether. (Analise, Raphael and Whitney to name but a few.)
Added some bits to the Mandates.
Changed Markiye's geography a bit.

I thank that's all. If anyone else disagrees: If you're reading on a forum, PM me. If you're not, e-mail me and inform me of what I missed out.

Ewan (AKA The Lynx (or Haunter))
 
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Polursine

Leave my posts alone
I liked it. A Double battle E4; never would have thought of it!
Turning a barren land with untamed creatures into a civilised organisation, people thriving about in daily ordeals. Good. Bring on more!

Quick Question: Why is there a tribe called "Marki Camp of the Polursine"?
Whee! I'm mentioned!
 

Haunter

Johto Champion
It's the Camp of the Polursine because polursine is a good name for an ice-tybe bear.

Markiye wasn't -all- barren, either! Just the bits near the Polar Wastes and the Wastes themselves, of course.

If I were you I'd go back and reread the prologue as I've updated it. Not MUCH has changed, but still you should read it.

Thanks for reading, Polursine!

To anyone else: If you read this fanfiction, please comment. I'd like to know what you all thought of it.
 
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shadowlight

Fraught With Peril
It's great so far
 

icemew

Banned
Wow, great. Your history is amazingly thought out and detailed.
 

Act

Let's Go Rangers!
I do like OTs, I must admit.

I always thought your title was Mariyke, not Markiye, so it always made me think of 'Malik.' Your fic is doomed to be ever-associated with the number 8 and a circus shot in my mind. Which isn't a bad thing. Pretty positive, actually.

Anyway.

---

And Marki makes me think of Biz Markee. Maybe I'm not in the best mindset for a review...

Doifre Llimtha – the Starlight Gazers – and the Ffoposc Rambeb – the Blessed People.

I feel random letters. As an IMO thing, it might be better to base made-up locations on real words in other languages, just to give them meaning.

The Clanwar was fought over

It should probably be 'This Clanwar...' Otherwise it implies that there was only one. And it doesn't really sound right. You could also say something like, 'The Clanwar in question...'

I'm also a tad iffy as to whether or not 'clanwar' (I just typed clam-war. You're doomed to another strange word association) should be capatalized.

involved lost at least one of their number.

Of their number what?

Ceticulusmipilis

Hahhaa. These poor people. And they say English is the hardest language.

lans carried a hatred for each other that ran so deep that members of each Clan seemed to be born with the intense hatred that characterised members of the two Clans.

You use the word hatred, a word with many amazing synonyms, twice here.

Also, Skyvoyager? Seems a little bit of an unorthodox name for a pokemon. Going with the word trend thus far, I'd have called it aldhalklfjslkgjla, but I get the feeling you were going for something epic. Again, this is where foreign word combinations come in. Skyvoyager is a long, offsetting name for a made-up pokemon.

Markiye was situated in the Northern Seas near the Polar Wastes and as a result, it was often very cold in the upper and more mountainous regions of Markiye.

OKay, this is a pretty random scene change. I'd recommend implanting a scene break symbol (SBS). Also, IMO, you should tell us geographic things first. It makes more sense to explain the way things are set up before putting them into action.

::bashes head on keyboard:: I'm reading 'Markiye' as Malik! STOP.

The sailors – mostly, anyway - stayed away from these strange lands as the natives – both people and pokémon – were incredibly suspicious and even more superstitious and would often attack at sight if they were not led to believe that you meant no harm to them or their pokémon.

Woh, reword this one. It's a run-on in disguise, and it doesn't make much sense to the reader as is.

Legendaries and Constantine's interest was captured.

I'd put a comme after 'ledgendaries,' which may be wrong, so if you don't want to take that chance, reword this as it feels like a run-on as is.

Soon after hearing – and verifying, by word of a highly respectable drunk who frequented the White Poochyena tavern – the tale, Constantine – and some of his ragtag crew of followers who called themselves the Crusaders of Constantine – left their homes in central Hoenn and settled down in Markiye to search for the Markiye Legendaries.

Okay, dude, you're abusing hyphens. It's cruel. It's absolutely massacreing your sentence structure and making things nonsensical and a terror to read. Get rid of the hyphens, and split up your sentences. If you want to connect simple sentences, use commas and semicolons, not hyphens. Not this much.

a tribe of natives called the Marki Camp of the Polursine and of the Clan Ffoposc Rambeb,

This is awfully confusing. A rule I've found to be generally true goes like this: If you use more than one 'of' in a sentence, it will make no sense to your readers and you need to reword it.

It was a shrine to Ceticulusmipilis, the Skyvoyager
Waaaaaait a second. Ceticulusmipilis (do you copy and paste that or seriously retype it every time?) really seemed like a place, not a pokemon, when you described it before. I'm quite confused.

a certain Nut that

A Nut? Did I miss something else?

pokémon leaving behind nothing more than bloodied snow and charred body parts.

Comma between 'pokemon' and 'leaving'.

a plan to lay waste to

I'm unfamiliar with that expression, though I have an idea of what it means from context. This may sound weird, but going with the general definition of waste, my first thought was, 'He's... doing his business on them? What?" I rationalized and decided it meant 'destroy.' I'd love it if you could clarify.

Huseresansaris

o_O;; Cara Caracarabowdit?

Three Regions of Pokémon

What's that?

---

Well, I don't want to say it was bad, because it wasn't.

But, Lord help me, that was some of the worst sentence structure and most confusing prose I've ever waded through. If you want to know why I missed the meaning of certain terms, it's because I was too busy trying to figure out the meaning of the sentence they were in. The huge, random, made-up words you were using only made it a thousand times worse. It became aggrivating and annoying, a far stretch from the 'enjoyable' it's supposed to be. Please, read. Read respected SPPF authors. Read decent real authors. That's the only advice I can give you as to improvement of your sentence structure. And proofread your stuff as if it's alien to you. Or bypass all of that and get a beta. A harsh one who doesn't just correct grammar, because, techinically, your grammar was pretty good.

Not only was I horribly confused, I was really bored. At the end of this, first of all, you just stopped. No closing. Just, 'I think this is long enough. Let's make.... this!... the last sentence.' That left me feeling along the lines of, 'What the hell was the point of that?' /Nothing/ happened. There was no rise and fall of action, it was just a multipage infodump. The plot, or lacktherof, construction was so, so poor. There is at least two pages of info there that you could have added in little bits as the fic progressed.

Or maybe not. Because I got no sense of the plot.

The only remotely interesting thing was the Constantine plot, which was just so, so confusing. And, really, that was pointless, too. You resolved it quickly, and didn't even attempt to tie it in with the rest of the fic. The whole thing was a big, boring, confusing, "Who cares?"

That's not good.

A prologue is supposed to grab us, set up a shroud of mystery and suspense by relaying actions and emotions we can only understand if we continue reading. When I see the end of a fic chapter and think 'Thank God it's over, now I can see if my next review is any good,' you're not doing that, and the chapter wasn't executed properly.

On the dimly lit side, you have some good ideas. I can't comment on the plot, because there was none. No foreshadowing as from a blatant 'LEDGENDARIES WILL BE INVOLVED,' which really doesn't narrow it down much. But, through everything, it seems like you have an idea. And that's more than I can say for one of my fics.

This was a pretty harsh review, I can feel it, and I feel sort of bad about it. But if I didn't tell you how confused/bored I was, I don't think it's a proper review. Please, do keep in mind that I'm not attacking you personally. I'm reading your fic and jotting down my thoughts as they come up. You asked me to.

Since some people seem to like number ratings, I'd give this a 2.5-3/5. It was average, but really not bad. Again, it's a shame it was so confusing. I feel like there's a good fic there somewhere.

Good luck with this, really. You will always be Malik :p

I really wish I"d liked this more, because I find myself wanting to like it. I'm not even sure why. Maybe it's Malik.
 

Haunter

Johto Champion
Haha. Probably is the Malik. The words aren't actually random - they're part of a conlang. And I probably should put the updated version here. It's less ... icky.

I don't type Ceticulusmipillis out all the time because OpenOffice finishes it for me. :)

I probably -could- be a little less confusing, couldn't I?

Anyway, I'll get onto the revisions before finishing chapter one and I'll post them together.
 
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