the mysteries of adventure

[umbre0n 23]

CHAPTER 1




It was a bright sunny summer day in Jhoto a boy named Caislin with dark black hair wich covered his ears and went down to about his eyes in the front and three quarters his neck in the back,with a green bathing suit on and he lay in the sun on a towel next to an open pool him and his dad owned.He owned an Eevee that was quite bright and named mystery.He lay on the blanket awaiting a tan, not expecting to drift off into a sleep but lazily he did.


Eventually when he woke from his odd dream off mario and star wars with poke'mon he noticed he was next to the pool still.Then suddenly Caislin unexpectedly screamed at the top off his ten year old lungs "CANNONBALL!" and he went flying into the deep end of the pool and exploded in the water yonder him.It felt like his heart stopped underwater,yet it was beating as fast as the wings on a pidgeotto being raided by a colony of oversized aerodactyles.Caislin gave a strong clear kick with his legs and came up to the surface of the water."Ahhhhh.thats better."he said relaxed that he no longer felt the pressure of underwater.


But something was terribly wrong he noticed afer minutes of pumping his legs treading water.The bully named
Mason but everyone called him the Mace for some odd reason, was walking by wih his scrawny little head that never got him good grades and his weak arms that he bragged about being so big and strong with,and his stupid short blonde hair that made him look as annoying as he was.


Walking right next to the pool in baggy black shorts and no shirt on wich made Caislin give a scowl that looked of almost puking.As Mason whent up to the diving board Caislin climbed out of the pool stubbornly and disgusted."I'd rather be at professer elms boring speech then have you come swim in my pool without being invited mason!"caislin yelped to Mason with total disgust.So he did exactly as he said.He went to professer elms speech he had that day.Elm kept on announcing things that didn't matter too much.


At the end Elm said "I'm very glad to be able to present free starter poke'mon to trainers!So if your a trainer come up put your name in the hat and let"s see if you win one!"then Caislin mumbled "I hate luck award things.I never even win."But Caislin put his name in the hat any way, though he was very hesitant about it. Then professer elm announced "The first winner is Brad vintough!!!the next is ...Casey ronald!!!and the third is Jhon deren!!!Then they came up and took the balls that lied on the crimson covered table.


Then before elm threw the names away he said"WAIT!!!Brad vintough has entered his name many more times than one!!!The next winner is...Caislin O'Dalaigh!!!!!!"then Caislin came up standing proud
and professer elm said to him"This is the last one."Caislin opened it to find a totadile."tota tota tota dile!"the totadile chanted."I think I'll call this little guy Funk."Caislin said and returned it to the poke'ball.


He went home with his totadile standing next to him."your name is funk okay?"Caislin said to the totadile"totaaa"the totadile returned.Then mason came up glumly and said "Your a RETARD!"and punched Caislins face."your pool only gos six feet deep!"and then Mason smacked him again.Caislin got up shakily and weak but gathered strength kneed Masons crotch and Mason fell to the ground angrily but came back up enraged."NOW IM MAD PUNK.ANY LAST WORDS?"Mason screeched in pain.


"Why yes I do."Caislin replied smartly."Funk BITE.."
At that moment the totadile jumped up and clamped onto Mason head with it's repulsive sharp teeth.blood fell and Mason ran around shreiking in pain "ahhh!!!!"Suddenly Caislin said "funk heel.Mystery heel."The two poke'mon did his commanded as he watched Mason walk away holding his blood oozing face in pain.then caislin thought" Crap the cops might come."He didn't worry too much.He just went over to his friend Erics house.while there he kept seeing an old guy lurking around taking things and stuff.As wrinkly and old as his voice sounded Caislin knew he was robbing the place.

He tried pointing hin out to Eric but Eric just ignorantly would say "yep."or"uh huh."Then one time he picked Eric up and turned him as the
mischevious man picked up two cell phones gingerly."CALL THE COPS!"Eric screeched and ran to the phone."Don't dial that number kid."the man said and pulled out a gun holding it shakily.

 

[umbre0n 23]

Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2



The old man told caislin"YOU little man over here."Wich directed Caislin behind the old man and also near a sharp edge-rather large broken window.As the old man comanded Eric to do things demandingly Caislin decided to take a trip out of the window.Caislin thought "I have to get home...Mystery!"Meanwhile the old man closed up the window with boards from the ground by using his crowbar.


"There now that one smaller than me can't get away behind my back!.........HEY!Where did the little brat go?
At that moment the power went out totally dark because that was a room underground.Meanwhile Caislin is running feeling repulsive for he ran quite a distance and now just got in erics house as dark as a room full of tar.


Then Caislin walks into the room wich Eric is a hostage in.At that time the old krinkly man finds the boards on the window with his hands and smashes it with his crowbar.Nothing
So he finds it again and shoots a hole in the board.While screaming odd phrases that are rather panicke like"jbggynfgngndgndgrnygyyyyyyyyyyy"
or maybe"rbgbcgnyngycrgnaaaaaaaaaa"The circle of light made sort of a moonlight image .


Thats when Caislin said"Mystery, Faint attack!!!!!!!Mystery ran up and smashed right into the mans face and shoulder at the same time.liquids of blood splashing the floor all grimey and gringy ."mngfaaaaa!"the phsyco-maniac old man screeched in terror and shot at Mystery and hit him in the right left leg."eeee!"the poor little bleeding Eevee yelped and then as defensless as it seemed flame was in its eyes the Eevee hissed and jumped on the mans head,using anger as energy.


Mystery was hissng and clawing and biting and the phsyco manian freak fell to the ground gun in his hand.The blood splurted across the room for a minute then stopped.Then the power came back on with Mystery still biting the head."Mystery heel."Caislin went home without saying a word and sat in his bed thinking.

 

[Dilasc]

Did you give yourself a 5 star rating? You should know better than to give yourself praise when you definitely don't deserve it.

First and foremost, I am confused. Your plot makes very little sense, then again, you don't seem to be able to string words into proper sentences.

It was a bright sunny summer day in Jhoto a boy named Caislin with dark black hair wich covered his ears and went down to about his eyes in the front and three quarters his neck in the back,with a green bathing suit on and he lay in the sun on a towel next to an open pool him and his dad owned.He owned an Eevee that was quite bright and named mystery.He lay on the blanket awaiting a tan, not expecting to drift off into a sleep but lazily he did

I'm using it as an example, but I don't have a clue as to how I can even fix this. The main reason is because it is so very run-on.

All in all, you have a great deal of work ahead of you. Go to the Advice for Aspiring Author's thread and READ! READ READ READ!

As well, I should say the same for well written stories. Go and READ! The experts... we're not here to make you feel like dirt, even if it would be tons of fun, we don't try to shatter dreams. Uh, well, anyway, the point is, we're here to help you, and our works are a gateway to your rise. If you read the works of the experts, you can learn by watching their styles, and watching how they word things. It'll make your life a whole lot easier.

One more thing. Use MS word, or another word processor. It'll help you find spelling errors... you have a lot of those.

 

[umbre0n 23]

well look at it this way..

hey im only 10 years old and im just starting so shut it its pretty good for the level im at

 

[umbre0n 23]

chapter 3:SCHOOL and evolution

The weekend was over therefor Caislin had to go to school.School made a hole in Caislins heart with what he was learning. He didn't understand anything.Long division,algebra, and sometimes a bit of
mean median and mode wich is as easy as catching a caterpie but he hadn't done it in a long while.The school lunches were more likely someone to barf up than buy the double menu wich no one bought even people who ate too much.


"I wish i had an abra...god."Caislin muttered under his breath as the teacher passed out some algebra.And at the end of the day the best part when the coold hearted teacher would announce to the children"Remember only four more weeks!""I can't take this for another four weeks!!!"Caislin would angrily yelp while walking home.Pets weren't allowed at school but Caislin really seriously did not care.


He always kept his Eevee Mystery in his backpack when he goes to school.It breathes through tear in his backpack near the zipper,and he kept food in his backpack for it.He would detour through the forest wich gave him an extra ten or fifteen minutes to train with Mystery, though it was very dark in the forest as if it were night time.If he was lucky he would find a Sudowoodo and drive it out of its home harshley.


Caislin always brought two or three dollars so he could buy some slim jims or other snacks that weren't as disgusting as his schools lunch was."Grilled ham and cheese day yum!I love it when they smear cheese all over the tray and have burnt ham. Ooh and thay even have a side of meted blackberry sherbert.Always nice tasty and puky."He would whisper to his friends in line.


One day taking the detour home after having made a very crappy working poke'ball in art class he spotted a little pichu."yum i'm starvin." He said rudely breaking the silence as he pulled Myestery out of his bag."Mystery scratch!"Caislin yelled as sprinting forward two feet.The poor little Pichu fell over."pichuuwuuwuu!" the little pichu cried helplessly"Mystery stop!"Caislin commanded.


He then threw the little ball and it captured the little guy quick as a pikach using quick attack."I think I'll call the little bugger.........Rave.Sound good."The next day in Science he studied the evolutions of Eevees and why. "Wow."Caislin said amazed by the possibilities.That day Caislin planned on taking an extra thirty minutes in the forest training.But after he K.O'd a weedle Mystery was glowing white.


"Yes!Your evolving!Yes!"caislin shouted eagerly to find out what Mystery would change to.The white wore off and an Umbreon emerged from the glow."Awesome an umbreon!Mystery your an umbreon!"Caislin kept shouting with exitemant commanding his voice.Then suddenly out of nowhere a heracross flew out from the trees."hera!"it screeched suddenly it came down and scratched Mystery's nose."Shadow ball!"Caislin commanded Mystery gathered energy from its body and created a ginormous black ball
and shot it up at the heracross.It hit and broke off a wing of the hera cross.


Then it swooped down as quick as lightning and jabbed Mystery's stomach with one of its horns.Mystery's blood oozed out slowly and painfully.The heracross smashed him again."Umbreeaaa!"the umbreon screamed."Mystery return!!!"Caislin shouted.the heracross slowly walked forward Caislin.Caislin knew it would attack him now unless he summoned a poke'mon wich he didn't have his totadile."Go Rave!"Caislin said and The pichu emerged.


The pichu shed a tear then got angry."PICHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!"Exploded out of Raves mouth and a gigantic blast of lightning slammed everything around it,luckily Caislin was far enough away not to get hit."heraaaaa."the Nearly dead heracross whined."Hey little guy, come here Rave it's okay."Caislin coaxed to the pichu.The pichu feeling no other choice accepted this offer of parentancy.


Rave felt safe with CAislin in his arms and by the time he got home it was softly sleeping.That night while caislin was sleeping with his umbreon Mystery,his toptadile Funk, and his new member a pichu called Rave,Rave slowly glowed whie feeling safe and love.

 

[The Great Butler]

Telling reviewers to shut it isn't a good idea. We're here to offer honest opinions.

I like to be optimistic about fan fics and writers, so I'm willing to give you a chance. What you do need to do, however, is twofold. First read the stickies on the top of the forums for tips, then read other highly-rated fan fics to see how it's done. I'd recommend Cheshire Cat's, my own, IceKing's, and Commander Blizzard's as some of the best.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

... where to start?

1. Your chapters are way to short. I put all of them on MS word and All three were 3 and a half pages long. Each chapter should be at least that long on MS word.

2. Almost every word was underlined in red. Meaning you didn't check your spelling or Grammar.

3. Start a new paragraph every time someone talks thank you.

4. There is something we call a space bar, use it every sentence. SEE like that!

5. I'm 11 and beleive me I write better then that.

6. Don't insult your reveiwers. If you do no one will want to coment on your fic.

7. Be more descriptive.

8. Why do you have a poll asking whats the best video game? It has nothing to do with your fanfic.

Thats all for now, and use Microsoft Word to make sure you have no spelling grammar errers.

 

[IceKing]

hey im only 10 years old and im just starting so shut it its pretty good for the level im at

Then why tell the reviewers who will help you get excellent for the level your at to shut it? If you don't want reviews, don't post at Serebii. Fact is, age really doesn't matter here. 10 year olds are still capable of understanding the advice most reviewers give them =)

And the Great Butler, its usually not best to call you own work among the best XD It makes you sound kinda boastful...And I'm faaaar from the best

 

[The Great Butler]

I try to be modest about it, but dammit, I can't take it anymore! I RULE! ALL HAIL THE GREAT BUTLER, THE WORLD'S GREATEST FANFIC WRITER!!!!!

Actually, I was just trying to give him some tips on where he can look, and my two main fics do have a five and a four rating respectively. Not intending to sound boastful at all, just saying where he might want to look. And I'd say you definitely are one of the best writers here, IceKing. ^_^

 

[Bay]

This is the first harsh review I am going to do (well, it won't be that harsh).

Okay, first off the sentences. You seemed to not put the spaces each time the sentence ends. For instance:

But something was terribly wrong he noticed afer minutes of pumping his legs treading water.The bully named
Mason but everyone called him the Mace for some odd reason, was walking by wih his scrawny little head that never got him good grades and his weak arms that he bragged about being so big and strong with,and his stupid short blonde hair that made him look as annoying as he was.

On the bolded part, the words should be spread out like this: "...water. The bully...".

Another problem is capitalzation. A lot of times I keep seeing you use capital letters and lower case letters on names. For example:

The old man told caislin"YOU little man over here."Wich directed Caislin behind the old man and also near a sharp edge-rather large broken window.As the old man comanded Eric to do things demandingly Caislin decided to take a trip out of the window.Caislin thought "I have to get home...Mystery!"Meanwhile the old man closed up the window with boards from the ground by using his crowbar.

I think you need to look over your writing and see if you miss any capitalizations on any of the names of your characters.

The next problem is your sentence structure. I saw how a lot of your sentences are run ons and fragments. For instance:

It was a bright sunny summer day in Jhoto a boy named Caislin with dark black hair wich covered his ears and went down to about his eyes in the front and three quarters his neck in the back,with a green bathing suit on and he lay in the sun on a towel next to an open pool him and his dad owned.

Also, your have some words misspelled. For instance, on the above quote, you spelled which wrong.

Okay, the last thing is plot. It seems that you only thought of this plot in thrity minutes. Maybe take some time to think about the plot and theme of the story, what you want out of it. I took a good amount of time to come up with a good plot on the chapters I do in my fanfiction.

I agreed with Great Butler. Saying shut up is not a good idea. We, the reviewers, are here to help you. I had some trobule the first time I came to the fanficition writing business but as time passed I got much better then three months ago.

Over here there are a lot of great sources on how to write your fanfic better. First off there's the Aspiring Advice for Authors theread, in which you can look at some tips on how to write better. Also, read a few good fanfictions here. Some of the authors I recoomend are Cheshire Cat's Saffire Persian's and IceKing's, plus others.

I hope all of us are a help to you.

 

[umbre0n 23]

uhhhhhh

well sorry i put 1 space inbetween about every sentence and vsorry i dont know too much of a large vocabulary spand and sorry i wanna try and explain lots of things to try and make undersatandable things more understanding and sorry for all the flaws and sorry i cant figure out how to do all this ms crap and everything, it even says serebii net forums the place for everyonewich probably should include wrookie fan fic writers
and sorry no matter how hard i try everyone thinks i suck and am horrid i mean god!atleast try and give real easy advice and i mean i dont even get long division at school so stop rejecting me for who i am and what i can do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Hey I sucked at my first Fanfic. And again whats up with tha t poll? It has nothing to do with your fanfic. You should go read some other fnfics and then use MS word to write it in so that you can correct every thing you get wrong.

 

[The Great Butler]

I can't resist.

it even says serebii net forums the place for everyonewich probably should include wrookie fan fic writers

I never knew Chewbacca was a fanfic writer. In fact, I'd have Han Solo put him in a Poké Ball.

Yeah, it was a cheap shot. But I couldn't resist......sorry.

Here's some tips:

-Slow down when you type. The "w" and "r" keys are not next to each other, for example, so you should be able to avoid confusing them if you slow down a bit.

-Plan out your plotline in advance. Honestly, this fic has the feel of being written as you go along, meaning you have no idea of where you want to go and how to get there.

-Please, please, please use the space bar and periods at the end of each sentence.

-And stop getting angry at your reviewers. We're trying to help you, and getting angry will only earn you a locked thread or a ban.

 

[Dilasc]

Stop being a tantrum baby! Please... Your first fic is bad, and that's all there is to it. I hate to sound rude, but deal with it!

I was being nice, maybe helping you along the path to a brighter, writer future. Hey, it rhymes, so HUZZA!

The fact remains though. If you're going to think you're wonderful, don't be rude about it. I trid to assist you, I'm not here to tell you your misspelled, uninspired, ten-second piece of one-tenth anus babble of poorly grammerized text is good or decent.

As a reviewer, it is our job to seek out imperfection and to eradicate it! The brood mother has deemed it so, and thus we shall all be assimilated one day... I can't wait!

Uh, now that you've heard our darkest secret I'm not supposed to tell anyone, I must say that I would have helped you. Seriously, if someone is out to just be a meanie-head, then ignore the harsh words, and only listen to the actual advice on improvement.

By the way, if you're ten and this is how you write... no, I'm not gonna say nothing mean I won't.

 

[umbre0n 23]

Yeah uh suicune person i dont have microsoft and as much as i hate it i have a friggin mac.oh and you hoot hoot guy if you dont want to deal with just try and ignore me.oh and great butler dude nice joke wityh the chewbacca thing,buut um i know where its ging trust me.oh and again this cant take me 10 seconds cuz i need to look at the keyboard when im typing.
Well dont have a moderator stop the thread yet.

 

[umbre0n 23]

Chapter 4, hopefully liked.WAR!!!

Caislin was just sleeping like any other totally innocent boy
when war was proclaimed among jhoto and Kanto, because Jhoto had been getting in the way during trades with Hoeen, so Kanto wanted to take over.One of the government of Kanto said"Well Jhoto was never such a big hit in the games so why even have it?" So the sounds of gigantic planes flying over the sky and shooting at houses.


Thats what woke Caislin up from his sleep.
He got up, not changing because he always wore his clothes to sleep He grabbed his bag put Mystery in it, then he got as much as he could pack then noticed that Mystery was in the way.So what you would have seen
if you were there is a boy with an overstuffed back pack with an umbreon up in a ball clamped to his head.You wold also see a pikachu holding onto his leg as if it were for dear life.


Then you would see a totadile unning after the whole mess and then it would compltely dissapear in the forest.Most civilians were gone when the planes dropped a big bomb destroying most belongings. So now Caislin,Mystery,rave,and funk were on the run trying to escape harms way. Of course it was going to happen sooner or later, Caislin fell to the ground completely tired.


But of course Caislin met his fate a soilder from Kanto.The soldier said nothing, he only lifted his gun and shot Caislins arm and took the poke'mon. So Caislin sat there bleding eventually fainted.
After minutes Funk the totadile had dragged back the body of a dead soldier from Kanto prooving that these poke'mon would have to help Caislin survive as well the other way around.



So when Caislin woke from this faint of having a thought of death but not giving up. So now if you were here you would see a boy holding his totadile trusting it not to bite him as he dug the bullet out with one of its teeth. After four hours of digging and crying and bleeding the bullet was finally out."I'm a retard!Oh my god i'm a friggin retard!"Caislin said to himself."I can't beleive i forgot a first aid kit!"


NOTE:CHAPTER IS NOT OVER, MORE WILL COME I AM NOT COMPLETE YET SO PLEASE WAIT BEFORE POSTING.

 

[Omega Pirate]

well sorry i put 1 space inbetween about every sentence and vsorry i dont know too much of a large vocabulary spand and sorry i wanna try and explain lots of things to try and make undersatandable things more understanding and sorry for all the flaws and sorry i cant figure out how to do all this ms crap and everything, it even says serebii net forums the place for everyonewich probably should include wrookie fan fic writers
and sorry no matter how hard i try everyone thinks i suck and am horrid i mean god!atleast try and give real easy advice and i mean i dont even get long division at school so stop rejecting me for who i am and what i can do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, why throw a little baby fit like that just because people are trying to give you some constructive criticism. That post was incredibly hard to understand, despite the fact that you have to look at the keyboard.

If your going to get pi**ed everytime someone says something bad, and it's a but hard with this fic, then get it off Serebii, or any other Fanfic wesite for that matter.

Criticism is a good thing.

 

[katiekitten]

If you think those reviews are harsh, wait until renegade gets here. ¬.¬

Seriously, these people are taking time out of their busy day to come over here and review your fic. Do you know how long the average review takes? Ages. Time when they could have been reading and reviewing a different persons fic where their advice would be appreciated. (Sorry all, can't spell today. XD) Can't you understand? They are trying to HELP you. I have gotten way worse reviews in the past, reviews that have made me cry for over an hour. But did I reply with insults? No. I thanked them and improved. Which is how I got here today. You have to try hard, and take the advice of your reviewers. Four months was all that it took for me to go from rubbish to good. I know you can do the same, you just have to try. Please.

Sorry, I'm reviewing this chapter so far. You still have some sentence structure problems, and this is a reply box fic. Like others have said, please put it in word. As you have a mac, read through your chapter at least three times before posting to make sure you have everything. Isn't there a microsoft equivalent? There has to be... If not, write the story in notepad, it's bound to have that. Not the reply box. And finish the whole thing before posting. Come on. It isn't hard.

He got up, not changing because he always wore his clothes to sleep He grabbed his bag put Mystery in it, then he got as much as he could pack then noticed that Mystery was in the way.So what you would have seen
if you were there is a boy with an overstuffed back pack with an umbreon up in a ball clamped to his head.You wold also see a pikachu holding onto his leg as if it were for dear life.

Your poor spacebar has been abandoned. After a period, a full stop, a . , you have a s p a c e. It's not that hard. Don't leave out your poor full stops either. You are missing one after the first sentence. Now, I want you to read the second sentence out loud. When ever you pause whilst speaking, you put a comma. Do the same for your whole story. For the third sentence is to long, and if you say it out loud you would run out of breath before the end. Also, when reading it out, think if you would really say something that odd in real life. Sometimes the best thing to do is write the strory as if you are speaking it, because I don't think you would say: 'I went to school, the park was green and I ate a hotdog.' It doesn't make sense, does it?

I would go into description, but I would like to see your sentence structure improve first. It is hard, I know, but you CAN do it. I won't go into it anymore because I have to go, but I will be back.

No more flaming the reviewers, ok?

 

[Draconis]

I'm going to try to be as nice as I possibly can with my review, but I doubt you'll like it. First of all, being ten is no excuse. I was eight years old, and in third grade when I wrote my first real fanfic. There was no internet back then, and I didn't have a type writer, so I had to use a pencil, and notebook paper. I ended up writing at least four properly spelled, capitalized, and descriptive pages, front and back. You, on the other hand, did not heed the words of the mods that locked your other two, poorly written fanfic threads. All you did, was type the whole thing in the reply box, and put a gap between what you percieve as paragraphs. Your first so-called paragraph is one run on sentence, followed by two short sentences. You also failed to add a space between sentences, which makes every paragraph look like one huge, run on sentence.

Telling off your reviewers is not a very smart thing to do, especially when they are trying to give you much needed advice, which you then ignore. If you expect people to give you praise for shoddy work, then you are being foolish. I highly suggest you read "Advice for Aspiring Authors", and take the advice of the reviewers in this thread, especially, 'The Great Butler'.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Kattiekitten: I think Rengade came saw and left because of it lack of grammar and spelling. But Rengade may come back...

All you need is some sort of word pad that spell and grammar checks. And like every computer has MS word. I've checked. And again I ask what is up with a poll that has nothing to do with your fic?

If you don't wan't people to review your fic don't post it. I am ready to tell a mod about your flaming and short chapters. A CHAPTER SHOULD BE 3 PAGES LONG IN MS WORD! Yours are not long enough to even be a prologue.

And again don't flame your reviewers we are trying to make you better. One more time:
If you don't want reviewers then don't post your fic simple as that.