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The Mystery Of Sea Foam Islands

Manafi's Dream

フェアリータイプタイム
This is my first story, so don't get frustrated with me.
The Mystery Of Sea Foam Islands
It was a great day at Sea Foam Islands, all the Pokemon were playing on the rocks by the ocean.

All of a sudden a great chill came over the ocean and it froze into solid ice. A nearby trainer, Lisa, was wondering what could've happened.

As she was wondering this, a blizzard came out of a nearby cave. Lisa and her Pokemon, Dewgong, went in the cave to find out what was happening.

As soon as they came in, Slowbros and Golducks started firing water guns at Lisa.

After a while of running, they found an Articuno using sheer cold.

Lisa tried to calm down Articuno. After calming him down, Articuno flew off and fixed the ocean.

The End

I'll need someone to illustrate this, so I'll need volunteers. Please tell me if you like it.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
... Pathetic.

Read the RULES and ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS and come back when you've written something three pages long in a word program, or atleast 3000+ words long, and not some six line piece of descriptionless, rushed crap written in the reply box.
 

Sammi

Banned
Holy crud that's... Short. Are you younger than 10? o.o

When I was 10 I wrote something for a school assignment tha was 2 pages long.

Follow Yami Ryu's advice. Read those topics.

IF you are 11+

I'm eleven, my fics, they are much longer. If you want to improve, come back and maybe ask Yami Ryu to help you. She's very good at helping others inprove in terms of writing! Sure, she's harsh, and maybe she'll misunderstand you a bit, but she's the good sort.
 

DarkPersian479

Well-Known Member
This is far too short to count as anything. Try taking more than 5-10 minutes working on a chapter. Try to add description. Why is Articuno going nuts with Sheer Cold? What does this "Sheer Cold" look like? And how was it eventually calmed down?

What does this trainer look like and why is she at Sea Foam Islands? For business? To enjoy the beach? World-class golf? Outlet mall shopping? And describe the islands as well. If I wasn't familiar with them from the games, I could very easily envision Sea Foam as a Hilton Head-type resort island, and therefore thousands of tourists would have noticed all this stuff going on.

See how much you leave for interpetation when you don't describe? How can yoou expect anyone to illustrate this without being able to visualize what's happening? This one needs a lot of time and effort to bring it to an acceptable standard.
 

Draconis

Currently active.
Holy blatant rule and advice thread ignoring, Batman!

I highly suggest you read the rules, and advice threads, pronto! This is way too short, to even be considered a paragraph, prologue, or chapter, let alone a whole story. This has no description at all, and isn't really a tory, it's just words typed in the reply box, in a poor attempt to create a story.
 

OokOokOok

Forum-lurker 4 UK!
I support Yami Ryu. This is even shorter than my prologue, and he had a good point there too. My prologue is longer than this, and that was too short to be a real prologue! Yet here you are, writing unbearably short stories like this, when most short-stories/one-shots are at the VERY LEAST 300+ words long. I read the entire story in ten seconds. Sorry about this, but you really need to improve.
 
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Frosted Heavens

Crystallized Wind
off topic: seriously, why do you guys hate Yami Ryu, I mean every fic I read(but almost never review) some people are against him, he maybe be a bit harsh but I think sometimes he can say that some of these fics are crap, oh well, guess I'm one of the only people who don't think Yami Ryu is a jerk or something.

on topic:seriously(again^-^)this fic is even shorter that the average ones I read, I mean this could be written in the reply box, and I think you actually did that, no description at all I mean, how did she calm him down?What do Golducks, Slowbros and a Dewgong look like?I advice you to read advice for authors at the beginning of the fanfiction section.

Please improve(and lots)

Electric Soul Fairy
 
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