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The naharo region

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Anton, Feb 11, 2006.

  1. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    This adventure will be about a 13 year old boy Ryan taking on the infamour naharo region.
    the place will be put together in series. A series is 10 chapter put together. the entire region wil be covered with 30 to 40 series (or 300 to 400 chapters) It will also contain a pokedex made by me.



    Series 1:
    Chapter 1.http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?p=2761069#post2761069 the water pokemon and its trainer- Ryan
    Chapter 2.http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=2765666&postcount=13 Meet the Pokemon leugue champion Anton!
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2006
  2. Boonge

    Boonge Cascade Trainer

    so will you be creating new pokemon or this fic or???

    lol im kinda lost.

    Well i cant say much.

    Because i dont no much tommorow once you put 1st chap up ill review :)
     
  3. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    yes their will be new pokemon 100 to be exact.
     
  4. Joe Vega #4

    Joe Vega #4 RAWR.

    Once Dilasc finds this, he'll go Sarcasmic.

    WAY too short, a chapter must be at least a page long on MS Word, which you CLEARLY didn't follow. We don't even know what the characters even LOOK like. Spelling, Punctuation, Description, AND Paragraphing errors! If I recall correctly, it's against the rules to just type random crap up in the reply box.

    Go read a PROPER fic and Advice for Aspiring Authors, as well as the Fanfiction Rules. This is probably some of the most cliched and worst crap on the Web.
     
  5. Hey... um, the 'Author's Cafe' is the place to put previews of upcoming stories. Probably you should ask a mod to move this there.

    Also, I'd suggest, when advertising, to make sure that the snippets you're giving people don't have errors in them. The readers on these forums are highly turned off by grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors, so whatever you post, make sure you don't have those sort of mistakes in them. And on a formatting note, try putting 'thirteen' instead of '13'. It just shows that you've put that little bit more effort into what you're writing.

    That's a version of your first few sentences once editted to comply with grammatical, spelling and punctuation rules. As a writer, you'll have to do this yourself when you next post. I suggest using a Spellchecker (for example, the one in Word) to help you.

    I also suggest you ask someone to beta (proof read) your chapters for you - just in case because I don't think Word always picks up the difference between 'their' and 'there and so forth. Beta readers can also advise you on your content - as well as things like phrasing. For example, a beta might suggest you change "Ryan a now 13 year old boys mother said" to "said the mother of Ryan, a now thirteen year old boy" because the way you've got it at the moment is rather confusing (and what I put instead isn't great either, but it was the first better alternative I thought of). If you want I beta, I'd suggest just PMing someone who's got a strong grasp of writing and asking them nicely. ^^

    Anyway, it sounds as though your story could be great - provided you remember to get rid of the technical errors. Created pokemon are fun and original and, if used correctly, can be a truly refreshing difference from the canon that's used so much. ^^ I wish you good luck and fun with it.

    Piney.
    ;204;;324;
     
  6. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    thanks for all youre help ill tipe the first chapter on word so almost no mistakes are made. Dark Knight it was not sapposed to be the first chapter only the first few sentences.
     
  7. MaskedManAbsolkid

    MaskedManAbsolkid Well-Known Member

    If it's the preview, it goes into the Author's Cafe, I think.

    Description is needed. What does Ryan look like? What does his mum look like? Also, try not to make it the same adventure we've known for 10 years.
     
  8. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    Chapter 1. The water pokemon and its trainer- Ryan!
    "Happy Birthday, sleepy head," Ryan, a now thirteen-year-old boy's mother said. "Prof. Iva called and she's expecting you now that you're thirteen!"

    "Mornin', Mom," Ryan babbled sleepily.

    Then, pulling off the covers, he got out of bed, almost squashing the pile of presents at his feet. The sound of crinkling paper fully woke him. Dropping to his knees, he started tearing the wrapping of his presents. From his Mom he got a few new sets of clothes, rollerblades and a backpack. From one of his friends Lucy a tall dark-skinned girl with brown hair he got some Pokeballs and a red PokeNav. From his next door neighbor’s son Brette a light skinned boy who had no hair but always wore a cap he got a whole stack of berries and a slew of different items. With the PokeNav Ryan found a slip of paper. It read: Back button Map, front button Match Call. Press Match Call. Ryan pushed the button and found that he two new people on it out of a maximum of one-hundred. The two people were Lucy and Brette who he called and thanked for their gifts.

    “Ryan, Breakfast is ready hurry down, someone is waiting for you!” Ryan’s mother called.

    Puzzled Ryan entered the kitchen to find Prof. Iva waiting.

    “Now Ryan after you have eaten we will need to discuss the topic of which Pokemon you will take. I also have five Pokeballs and a Pokedex for you when you choose.” By the time Prof. Iva had, finished Ryan was already scuffing down his second pancake. Once he had finished seven of them Prof. Iva turned to him. “Ryan I have three Pokemon with me salamandra the fire Pokemon, Spinut the grass and flying Pokemon and tadpolite the water Pokemon.” As he called each of them out a Pokemon appeared- first a red salamander looking Pokemon that kept flicking its tail, next a brown nut that after a second stated spinning so fast the tile floor had speed marks and finally a blue-green Pokemon that at first tried to flop around but then seated itself on the floor using its tail. The blue-green Pokemon was oozing slime that kept it from dieing without water. “I think ill pick the water Pokemon- Tadpolite!” Ryan shouted. Right after Prof. Iva left Ryan went up to his room and changed into one set of his new clothes- A brown green sweater with a tee shirt that said “Going to be the master, going to be the very best!” and grass green pants. He put the rest in his backpack that still seemed to have room for more. He then put the berries in a side pocket that was small but fit the load of berries and the Pokeballs in another. He then placed the Pokedex in a strap pocket that he figured was meant foe it and same thing with the PokeNav. When he got down stairs, he put his punning shoes in the pocket where his clothes were (it still had room) and put his rollerblades on. When he got to the edge of town, he had to put his shoes on because of the grass now. Ryan started walking and after a bit, he ran into a Ralts. Ryan opened up his Pokedex “Ralts the feeling Pokemon It is highly attuned to the emotions of people and Pokemon.” The Pokedex said.

    “Go, Tadpolite attack Ralts with pound!” Ryan commanded sending out the tadpole Pokemon.
    It went over to Ralts and waked it with its tail. The Pokemon being a newborn fainted immediately. Tadpolite gained a level and learned whirlpool.” Pokeball, GO!” Ryan said throwing the ball at Ralts. The ball shook 5 times then stopped and omitted a “pung” like sound. “I caught a Ralts!” Ryan said.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2006
  9. MaskedManAbsolkid

    MaskedManAbsolkid Well-Known Member

    Very short, but that may be because you need to use paragraphs. Whenever there's speech marks, you need to go onto the next line or the line after. I'd try to make more of an effort. You described the least important characters instead of the more important ones.
     
  10. Dilasc

    Dilasc Boip!

    Sarcasmic? You have my interest... well, that is, if it's like, a mix between sarcastic and orga... oh wait, its just a misspelling, nevermind. I guess two of life's greatest pleasures just don't mix, do they?

    Um, this time I'll just go the brutally honest route here. C'mon, am I just a puppet on a string to you folks? Hmph! Was that meant to be a compliment or a putdown?

    Anyway, let's get down to business. From the getgo of just reading the title of the thread, I knew it would be unpleasant, and my prediction appears to be right.

    First things first. Your quotation marks are slanted, which means you used a word processor, which is a step above most n00bs.

    You obviously know you have a word processor at your fingertips, and yet you don't even use it to help you paragraph correctly!

    The plot also is questionable. A birthday is the most cliche way to start a journey, and is seen in many many fics. Actually, it's seen in too many if you must know.

    You also have a total of twenty-four commas. Yea, I counted. Considering the length and content of what you've written, it is evident you are missing commas at key points in the story. Reread it again, and when you feel a small pause, use a comma.

    So his neighbor is already bald at thirteen? He must be very sickly to be bald so young, or maybe zombies ate his hair follicles.

    I could go on and on, but I promised to avoid sarcasm as much as possible. I will leave you with all of this to think about. So... think on it. Seriously, think on it, especially before you write or post your next chapter.
     
  11. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    thanks i guess i just dont know when to use commas. Im in my eighth year and I still dont know how to use commas properly shesh.
     
  12. Hey again.

    Oooh, new pokemon! ^^ Fun times ahead, I assume. New pokemon make such a fresh change from the standard set. But is this story set in a new region or in Hoenn? If it's in Hoenn, why is there a new professor? If it's not in Hoenn, how come there're wild Ralts? Whichever is fine, as long as you justify it.

    Another point - as Dilasc mentioned, this story isn't paragraphed properly. Speech should be double spaced apart from the rest of the text.

    "Like this," said the reviewer. "Each new speaker should be double spaced apart."

    "Because I'm a different person, my speech is separated from the rest," said a random person.

    Does this explain it properly? I hope so. Proper spacing makes your story much easier to read - and an easy read is often more enjoyable for the reader. ^^

    Also, the spelling and punctuation errors in your story can often be fixed by clicking on the 'Spellchecker' option in your word processor. Just remember that relying on a Spellchecker isn't a brilliant idea since Spellcheckers might have difficulty distinguishing between 'their' and 'there' and so forth. Proof reading yourself helps - but if you don't know what you're looking for, I suggest you get a beta reader. As I said last time, beta readers can correct technical issues for you and advise you of plot and content issues as well.

    Also - I like the idea of a character on rollerblades. It's a quirky detail that really adds to the originality of your story. But do you reckon we could see a bit more of that? As in, more description? Tell us a bit about how Ryan feels as he zooms along. Just adding little details like the clicking of the buckles and the stuffing into the bag of the blades helps to flesh out the scene and build a more complex mental image for your readers. Putting in details about how and what your character feels and thinks and sees as he wanders along on his journey will help to draw your readers into the story.

    Another thing I'd like to see is more of Tadpolite. It's a completely new pokemon and the description you gave of it when Ryan chose it was very brief. I'd also like to see more of the way Ryan and Tadpolite interact - Ralts, too. Pokemon are characters in their own right - don't focus all your attention on Ryan, even though he's the main character. Share the screen time and develop ALL of your characters' personalities - pokemon included.

    And one final, nitpicky point - it's looks more professional to write '5' as 'five'. It just shows that you've put that little bit of extra effort into your writing. ^^

    That's all for now, I think. You've got some awesome originality here - don't spoil it by dragging your story down with technical mistakes. Flesh out the description and your characters a bit more and the rest should follow. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

    Piney.
    ;204;;324;
     
  13. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    Chapter 2: Meet the Pokemon leugue champion Anton!
    Ryan quickly put the red and white Pokeball on the strap along his backpack. There were three holsters on each strap. The left strap had two Pokeballs on it. Ryan started walking again and about half an hour later, he ran into a trainer on a scooter.

    Ryan looked the trainer up and down taking in every detail - the blue eyes, dirty blonde hair, red vest that hung open revealing a muscular body and six pack, jeans which were stained brown and green thanks to all the crawling around in the grass and slightly tanned skin. Ryan also looked at the silver scooter with its six-inch wheels and chrome rims. Coincidentally the other trainer was eyeing Ryan, Ryan’s open sweater, his white teethe visible part which read “-ing to be the mas- to be the ver”, his green pants, brown eyes and black hair.

    “I-I-I m Rya-a-an,” he stuttered in a low voice.

    “Well, I'm Anton, the Pokemon League Champion.” the trainer said bravely.

    Ryan guessed from the trainer's voice he was no more than fourteen.

    “You must be new to this world. How long ago did you get your first Pokemon?” Anton asked, looking Ryan up and down.

    “About forty five minutes ago-why?” Ryan replied quivering slightly now that he knew who this trainer was.

    “So we're thirteen… nice! I caught my first one about nine months ago!” Anton said a bit louder then needed.

    At this, Ryan started quivering like crazy. “This trainer’s only been with his Pokemon for nine months in the Nahara region and he’s already the best!” Ryan thought

    “So...) do you want to come along with me to Boiltop town?” Anton asked.

    Ryan took out his little red PokeNav and consulted it. It showed that Boiltop was where the first gym leader was. It was about five days walk from here. Closing the PokeNav and smiling Ryan said,

    “Yeah I'll come.”

    “Alright. Let me just put the scooter away and take out my Pokemon.” Anton said as his took apart the scooter. For the first time Ryan saw Anton’s bag - it was black with much sewing where it had ripped. Currently there were about ten rips on it. Anton took the scooter pieces and put them into the main compartment of the bag. He then clipped the bag up and swung it around his back. Ryan then saw the strap, which was under the jacket and was black in color . It was single strap and had six spots for Pokeballs - which were filled with two Pokeballs, one Great Ball, two Ultra Balls and a steel ball. Anton reached for his strap of Pokeballs and one by one he released his Pokemon

    The steel ball contained a Scizor who instantly looked around and then seeing Ryan opened and closed his pincers menacingly, the first pokeball contained a Flyrion a pokemon who resembled a Scarmory but was smaller and completely silver except for its black beak and white eyes, the great ball had a GroundMingo a Pokemon who looked like a flamingo who dug underground and only showed its long neck, the first Ultra ball had a Salamence who flapped its wings a few times then lied down with its wings folded and the second one containing a Butterfree who when released took to camly and steadily beating its wings. With every wing beat it shot up a few inches then floated down a get before shooting up again a few inches. Finally Anton threw open the final ball releasing a Scyther who stood by Anton like Anton was his father. Ryan could tell that Scyther was the strongest by how Scyther stood by Anton.

    Ryan let out his Pokemon - who were intimidated by Anton’s Pokemon. Ralts quickly ran behind Ryan’s leg and hid. Tadpolite sat their looking at the Pokemon terrified.

    The group started walking and, after a bit, ran into a dog-like Pokemon who was black and started barking at them

    Ryan told Anton he would handle this and told Tadpolite and told it to use pound. The slimy little fish used pound to hurt it but got hit back by the Pokemon’s Bite - it took a sizeable amount of damage and tried to get up but could not. Ryan switched him for Ralts. He had no clue to what Ralts could do so he checked the Pokedex.

    “This Ralts knows Growl, Confusion and Hypnosis,” it said, after a scan.

    “Ralts, use confusion!!” Ryan shouted wildly not knowing what to use. He was completely freaked out. He was being watched by the best and had no clue as to what to use. In Anton’s eyes he must have been a complete loser to be crushed this easily

    The newborn's little green horn glowed purple for a second and the dog went flying. The little dog tried to get up but the mixture of Tadpolites pound and Ralts’ confusion seemed to be too much.
    Right before they left, Ryan consulted the Pokedex.

    “Brinsin, the dog Pokemon. This Pokemon was once considered to be related to Poochyena but was later found to be related to Growlithe,” it said.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2006
  14. Tai4

    Tai4 FEARMYMIDDLEFINGER!!

    I think its great. I'm writing my own story aswell on microsoft word (but its not about pokemon sadly) Titled: THE LIGHT DRAGON. so far i'm on page 7... but anyway. i think its awesome!
     
  15. Da' dude

    Da' dude Guest

    Interesting...so far, the first chapter...MAKES MY EYES BLEED!!!! Chapter 2, doesn't hurt as much...;munchlax;
     
  16. Anton

    Anton Red Cheat Master

    ill be releasing the third chapter sometime in april. to give you guys a forward it will include the first ever choice as to what gyms you battle, 4 new teams (team Iceberg, team Fireberg, team Drake and the misterious team elico) and a bunch of new pokemon! until then.
     

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