The new Eeveelution (One - shot )

[pokeinuyasha]

Hi. Do you remember me? My Fic was closed. My FIRST Fic. Well, I'm persistent and I'm trying. So I will reveal my "surprise" that I can't tell before because my Fic was closed BEFORE that. So, see by yourself. And Venom continues alive, but evolved.

Hi. My name is Venom. You remember me right? The shiny Eevee. Well, I'm evolved now. I will tell what happened because some people don't have time to read the other Fiction.
When dad, mom, Michael and XD001 defeated Konga, who have a shiny Shadow Pichu (HAVE isn't the right word: Pichu was snagged), they found a leaf stone. I was sad, because of the poor Pichu. I will tell this in a dialogue.
RINGLY (VENOM'S DAD { UMBREON } ) - Look what I've found !
XD001 ( LUGIA ) / MICHAEL - What ?
PSYGREEN ( VENOM'S MOM { GREEN SHINY ESPEON })- A Leaf Stone.
XD001- Hey Venom, why don't you hold it ?
ME ( VENOM{ SIVER SHINY EEVEE})- Why ?
XD001- I don't know: maibe it can be of use in the future.
Then I hold the Leaf Stone.
ME- Wheeeeeeee, I'm holding something !
I'm that moment I was VERY happy. Then, a white light started to come out from me and I was changing shape and becoming taller: I was evolving !
When I evolved, I was purple, but I think I'd have to be green. I have a razor like leaf as my tail (it was blue, but it is usually red ), just as Absol (but it was a leaf ), I have plush paws and some claws, and I have a cute face, that look like with Espeon's face, but my nose were red and taller ( I think my nose would be blue, if I weren't a shiny ). I have a big leaf in my head, just like Bayleef, but it was blue and I think it is usually vivid red. I may look like a mix, but I'm not.
XD001- You're very cute, Venom !
ME- Thanks !
MICHAEL- Let me see, acording to my P*DA, you're a Leafyon, a newly discovered Eeveelution. It look likes that if you're very happy, and hold a Leaf Stone, you'll evolve one level after that. But you have to continue holding the Leaf Stone.
ME-Cool ! I'm newly discovered ! Evolving makes me quite happy, but what about the Pichu ? It'll be fine ?
XD001- Don't be afraid, Venom. Michael takes care of all business ! Yes dude ! OK man ! Yes baby !
MICHAEL- You were reading that book about "phases that are in" ?
XD001- Eeeeeeeeeerr ... So let's go now, it was good to be present in your evolution, but we are VERY busy, isn't it, Michael ?
MICHAEL- No, not yet. I want to know more about that book you're reading.
XD001- I ... I... I'm don't "in", so that's the reason for me to read that !
I really don't like someone making fun of other person. So I asqued :
ME- Michael, if you can really take care of ANY business, so polish my new feet, please ?
MICHAEL- Eeeeeeer ... Oh, I just remembered ! XD, we've gotta go, we're REALLY busy !
XD- No, not really.
MICHAEL- Oh my God, please XD, those "new" feet of him are very filthy !!
XD- OK, so buh- bye, my gent !
MICHAEL- Stop this !!
XD- OK. Bye !
And we watched as they fly to the North in the direction of the Sun, in a beautiful scene while they were fighting again.

THE END

This one was better than the older one ? Please say ! And notice this one is VERY short.

 

[Psychic]

What the heck? Look, your fic was closed for a reason! It was SCRIPTED, poorly written and not near long enough. All the exact same problems were here as well. You could have read everyone's reviews from last time, attempted to improve, but noooooo.


Anyways, I'm not going to lie to you. This sucked.
Anyone who haden't read what you had written before wouldn't understand it at all, and even if they had, they haden't defeated Konga, and suddenly, Konga's been defeated and Michael snagged a SHINY Pichu, after I had told you about how rare Shinies are! But no, it's not enough that you have a Shiny Eevee and Espeon, oh no, you had to put in a Shiny Pichu as well!

The whole thing was done poorly, shouldn't have been scripted, should have included the proper explanations and should have had more thought put into it, because it looks like you wrote this up in five minutes, then posted it without even proofreading it.

I gave you links. You should have used them. You never even went to the Newbie Lounge! >.< I'm about ready to give up on you. And don't complain about being new, because there's a rule that says that "being new is no excuse". Don't start whining either. Either follow the rules, or leave. We're trying to help you, but you have to listen to what we say...


~Psychic

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Heya again. Glad to see you've not given up - persistence is one of the of the greatest qualities a writer can have.

Anyway, as to this latest story, I'd say that there's more things I like about it than I did about your last one. For example, your characterisation is starting to show a lot more. XD001 is more recogniseable as a young creature - friendly, image-concious and rather innocent - and Venom is noticeably whiny and perky. I'm not getting much of a sense of the others' personalities - possibly if you got rid of the form of script format you're using and added simple bits to describe the way your characters said what they did, it would probably help to show a lot more of the personalities. It's amazing how much difference there is between

Random Person: "Yah, you're probably right."

and

"Yah, you're probably right," Random Person muttered sheepishly.

and even more again with

"Yah, you're probably right," Random Person muttered sheepishly, thumbs twiddling and gaze kept pointedly from meeting anyone else's.

Describing behaviour gives great insight into a character - far more than appearance can give. My advice is that appearance descriptions are fine, but are more effective and memorable when combined with behavioural or emotional demonstrations.

Incidentally, the type of scripting you're using is still against the rules. As I said before, I'm not overly familiar with the proper way to use script format, but I think it involves double spacing the dialogue in a way like this:

Random Person: "Wow, when's this reviewer going to come up with more original names?"

Another Random Person: "Hey, you think you've got it bad? Look at my name!"

Something like that. And this form of script format also includes behaviour descriptions like this:

Random Person: "I really want an original name now."

[Random Person glares around, looking for someone get a name from.]

Now, I'm not sure if this is the right way to do it, but I reckon you'll get away with this a lot more than with what you've got at the moment.

Anyway, I reckon I'll leave this here apart from saying that, IMO, you're improving. The humour in your story is more distinctive than in the previous one and your characters are starting to become recognisable and memorable. I will advise you to get a beta, though. Your story is riddled with technical errors (which I suppose can be put down to the language difference) which, if erased, would make your work a lot more readable. If you're stuck for a beta, let me know and I can try to help (though since my holidays are practically over, I might not have the greatest response time ><). Anyway, cute story, funny and an improvement on last time. And don't forget that you have one of the main qualities an author needs - perseverance. Put it to good use, eh? ^^ Good luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Dilasc]

Garbage. Seriously, do you comprehend the meaning of 'rules?' Probably not, since you obviously, or perhaps obliviously break them. It shows that you can create garbage in a matter of seconds, but garbage would be a compliment in this case.

Do you know how long it takes me to write a chapter? Sometimes it takes days for me to unleash my latest chapter, and that's only if I'm on an inspiration frenzy. Usually, it can take WEEKS! You hear me? WEEKS of writing and contemplating. It's funny though. Those who don't try much seem to get a ton of reviews, albiet negative, but those who do don't going get much at all.

Don't believe me that most of us put a damned big effort in our fics. GO READ SOME! GO READ SOME FICS! READ FICS, READ FICS! I'm not joking, GO READ, dang it! You'll feel very, very jealous of the skill that they have, simply because time is your friend, the more you utilize it.

Anyway, that's all. Let this thread close and we'll all celebrate later, okay?

 

[Dragonfree]

Please read the fanfiction rules and follow them if you're going to be making more fic attempts.