The New legend of Johto

[Aqua_Charlie]

This is my first fan-fic, so please, go easy! Heres the Bios so far in the Story..
It is set in johto before Hoenn was discovered
Nasharu:

Age:70
Height:1.7m
Pokemon: Dragonite & Charizard
Occupation: Nashuro is the gatekeeper of a new island discovered between olivine and whirlpool islands, (the island consists of Eight Towns,
Neaw Village, hinchu town, and Harasu City, the rest of the towns and citys will be revealed as the story progresses.) But, He only tok he job of being a Gate-Keeper for one reason, a reason he has been waiting for 60 Years...
Appears in: "Prologue"

So far i have only got the prologue done, i will update with my further chapters as soon as they have been made, i am expecting my fic to be about 15-20 chapters long.

Prologue​

(Third person, Nashuro speaking)

The Cold and bitter wind Savagley whistled and whined past my ears, something was going to happen, and it was going to happen soon. I heard a large Trampling noise that got louder, Louder as it came further to me, i soon noticed that all pokemon were trying to somehow migrate, get of the island or at least to the other complete side, That was Sign one. Expected to happen was the next sign, Whirpools and thundrstorms Brewed. "Go! Dragonite," i yelled, whilst tossing a Small-ball shaped pod into the air. " Dragonite! Fly down one of them Whirlpols and Fetch the Emerald Amulet!"
Dragonite immediatly swooped down into the whirlpool, soon after, it Came out with the Amulet!

 

[blackemerald]

The Cold and bitter wind Savagley whistled and whined past my ears, something was going to happen, and it was going to happen soon.

Terrible useage of capital letters. Never use them in the middle of a sentence.

I heard a large Trampling noise that got louder, Louder as it came further to me, i soon noticed that all pokemon were trying to somehow migrate, get of the island or at least to the other complete side, That was Sign one.

See above, with the addition of commas in the wrong place which make it harder to read. Replace all in bold with full stops.

Expected to happen was the next sign, Whirpools and thundrstorms Brewed. "Go! Dragonite," i yelled, whilst tossing a Small-ball shaped pod into the air. " Dragonite! Fly down one of them Whirlpols and Fetch the Emerald Amulet!"

See above, with the addition that you mispelt Whirpools the second time. There was also no point in joining up small and ball.

Dragonite immediatly swooped down into the whirlpool, soon after, it Came out with the Amulet!

See review of quote two.

This is rushed with poor grammer. I advise you to use microsoft word or some other writing program with spellcheck.

~B.E

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Prologues can be short. But that was a mere paragraph. Make the first chapter at least a page on word long. Also you randomly made words capital letters when they weren't a noun or the beggining of a sentence. And you didn't do a capital 'i' at some point. Which just proves you typed this in the reply box. You SHOULD be typing on MS word. Seeing as you're a newbie, I'll try focusing on one aspect to improve at a time. So aspects to improve on this chapter, length and grammar, type on word. Don't complain that was harsh, I can be a lot harsher. And some of the well know reviewers here, would kill this.
But it was quite original I must say. BTW that was first person not third person.

 

[Aqua_Charlie]

ok, i'll fix all that but Blingin G, i'm not a newbie in fact i joined before you.

 

[Guitar dude bill]

ok, i'll fix all that but Blingin G, i'm not a newbie in fact i joined before you.

I meant new to fan-fiction! Duhhh.

 

[Aqua_Charlie]

Here Chapter One, Done in Word just like you asked!
Chapter One:
A New Beginning...


“Come on Charlie!” Mom screamed into my ear.
“What? What are you doing?” I moaned, half asleep.
“You’ve got to get your Starter today!”
“Awe mom? Why didn’t you tell me last night?”
I quickly darted out of my bed and jumped into the first pair of clothes I could find. After I was dressed I sot out of the door, hoping I wasn’t to late to get my starter. I ran up the hill to Professor Elm’s lab. There was a small notice on the door...“Dear newcomers, I’m sorry to say but you’re to late for our starters, Cyndaquil, Chikorita and totodile have been taken. It is unknown who or what took them, but whatever did has also took all of the people’s pokmon who have deposited their pokemon at my lab! I am truly sorry, who would do such a thing!?”
“WHAT!?!” I ran back to my house to tell my Mom the news.
“Mom! All the pokemon at the lab have been taken!” I complained.
“Well that’s a bummer. Here, take some money to go and buy some pokeballs, You can catch whatever you want then!” Mom said softly.
“Ok... if I have to”
I stated to make my way down the dirty path, well what did I expect? A path to be clean? But what I saw next really was exiting! It was a pokemon I had never seen before! It was a greenish dragon with two arms, it looked like a snake. It just flew Over me! I was to scared to say anything so I ran all the ay to cherry grove town to buy some pokeballs!
“That will be $1000 poke dollars the please” the shopkeeper told me in an informative Voice,
“Here you do then” I handed over the five pokeball coupons.
“Oh, I see, here you go” the shopkeeper hole-punched the coupons, then threw them in the bin.
“Have a nice day!” He said as I walked out.
I was wondering what pokemon to get until I walked past an adoption centre, I thought I may as well have a look. The sign read ‘Phil amazing adoptions, new pokemon deported from Hoenn, all for $1000 each!’
‘That’s exactly how much Mom gave me! But Witch one shall I choose’
I thought to myself!

** Readers choice**

What pokemon should Charlie Adopt?
Ralts
Zigzagoon
Poochyena
Surskit
Wurmple
Shroomish
Skitty

 

[Yami Ryu]

Dear god.

This is beyond rushed and hurried, you squished down what could have been three times this length into something that could be laughed at. It sounds like a remake of the anime with Ash and Ho Oh, only mysterious trainer and Rayquaza. And 'loved' how you described Rayquaza. Even the Anime showed more than that for Ho Oh, it shouldn't be that hard to describe something.

And this is why first person shouldn't be done by newbies. Most, like you, fail at pulling it off.

Your character is also bland, and I have to say not really special or holding some quirk to set him apart. The plot, also, doesn't look like it's gonna have anything to set it apart from the hundreds of other badly done trainer fics.

And if you're having to ask what pokemon he starts out with, I'm betting you don't even have the second chapter plotted out.

I suggest you go read the Advice for Aspiring Authors sticky, and use the advice there to improve your second chapter. And maybe not rush the hell out of it, otherwise you're not going to recive any reviewers really.

Edit: And I might doubt you wrote this up in word with typos like stated and witch, I know for sure you didn't atleast proof read your own work. Which further helps this come off as a half assed attempt.