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The Official Advice Thread

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Discussion' started by Mariya Shidou, Aug 19, 2011.

  1. Archangel Azazel

    Archangel Azazel Fallen Angel

    Yeah that's what I tried getting at. The bolded part I mean. I am not good with "to the point" ._.

    Funny how, when I was younger and looking for a job, I had thoughts about the places I would work and imagine how it would go and if I found a scene where something went wrong I would get scared and avoid applying to a lot of stores. I was picky I guess and mostly because I planned too far ahead on any job I came and read across. I always made myself think that I couldn't do this or that from the job descriptions.

    Also there comes the McDonalds (sorry if I keep bringing it up). Younger me thought I would never find myself working there, the what ifs of screwing a customers' order or just end up being anxious and frozen on the spot at the many people I would be dealing with. Nop, I ended up working there a bit after turning 21 and I ended up enjoying it. Sure angry customers and barely tolerable managers, but those never imbalanced the positives/positive people. I actually went on to become Shift Manager quickly after a bit.

    I quit months later, mostly because I wanted to go back to something I had found early on that I was very, very afraid of screwing up. Care-giving. That was actually my very first job and I will tell you why I'm telling you all this. I was scared and anxious that I would hurt the seniors. I thought they were fragile and weak. I thought they would be rude and angry people. I thought I would kill them if I gave the wrong medication or even startle them with minor things. Once again, that was not the case. They were the opposite of all that. I enjoyed it a lot, I loved interacting with them, playing games with them, watching TV with them. Anything to make their lives a bit more thriving.

    The reason I am telling you this is because I was actually always in a high anxiety state around people (besides the phone >.<), I thought I would end up doing something wrong in front of them and I would get yelled at or something, and... I am not the best in handling my emotions. I cry easily when such things happens, unfortunately. But, honestly, jumping on those jobs actually made me forget the anxiety of doing something wrong or screwing a task in front of a person and also I found what I actually really enjoy (Besides Psychology). Yeah I still cry, but none of those scenarios are the cause of it anymore - not the anxiety anymore.

    Heck, even online I still get tiny specks of it, like now, answering to you makes me think you are good with what I wrote on the first, and you don't need to read this post, if you might like or not like this post, upset you or something and makes me want to delete it and leave you be, but I am forcing myself to post. There's a reason I do not post a lot... or only post where I know a lot of interaction won't happen.

    ANYWAYS, I am rambling, but I really hope you find ways to help yourself in the areas you need. :D
  2. Tsunami16

    Tsunami16 Member

  3. varanus_komodoensis

    varanus_komodoensis they call me Varanus

    @ZeroNexus: I absolutely second the quote from Tsunami. Unless you're very lucky and you have a family member who can just give you a job to start building up your resume, you'll probably need to do something that you don't particularly like so that you can build up work history. No matter what kind of job or career you have, there will ALWAYS be times where you are constantly busy (it's like that at my work right now, but around March it'll be really slow). I think your idea of working in a stockroom might be a good place to start - maybe you could work at a supermarket like Publix as a stocker. A lot of third-party companies actually stock their own shelf space at supermarkets. I had a friend who worked for a soda company, and his job was to drive around to stores in the area and re-stock the soda company's shelves.

    Another option is to see if you can get a job or internship at a museum or library doing some sort of organizational work. Museums and libraries have huge backstocks of things that are donated that need to be categorized and identified.
  4. Is it worth it to remain friends with someone who's been consistently there for you, but is also an infuriating and insensitive kill joy?
  5. ellie

    ellie Δ Staff Member Admin

    depends highly on your situation imo. personally i am typically not one to completely drop people who have been good friends to me unless they do something really bad. but it may be time to slowly back off with them and see how that turns out. have you tried talking to them about it too? if they say something insensitive you can tell them that was kind of mean or however you want to phrase it; if you're happy and they're being a killjoy ask them why they feel the need to bring you down. is it because they are struggling themselves or that's just naturally how they are? if they are struggling then maybe offer them some help getting back to a less-infuriating place, if that's just how they are... that's different.

    at the end of the day if none of the above tips help though, if someone is constantly being a drain and making you feel bad, they aren't someone you should be spending your time on. it's great that they have been there for you, but that doesn't give them a free pass to drag you down now.
  6. Yes, we've spoken about it before. He's always apologized and said the right things, but it's been such a consistent pattern that I'm beginning to doubt his sincerity. I'm tired of being in the position where I have to teach and explain why something said is callous or cruel. Just as an example, one day we were having a conversation about tattoos. I expressed how badly I wanted to get one, and how like most people I would like it to be something meaningful. He scoffed at the idea, and said that nothing meant anything to me, except maybe him and my family. Considering I've been friends with him for over two years, I was beyond upset that he had such a shallow view of me. He later apologized and chalked it up to projection or whatever, but it's frustrating to be close with someone who seems to lack the kind of basic level of emotional intuition to even tell whether something like that is going to hurt someone. Every time it's always been something pretty heavy like that too, he'll say something that cuts right to the bone then fall back on "Help me I'm stupid." Then I start to feel like I'm the one who might be being irrational, taking him too seriously, or unecessarily internalizing what he's saying because I'm insecure or something.

    The most recent example is that he brought up the fact that his mom offered me a spare room to move in. I've really had a rough last couple years, and he knows that I'm trying really hard to make it out of the spot I'm in. I decided to level with him about some aspects of my personality and living habits, which I thought was only kosher if I were to seriously consider his proposal. He ended up pissing me off because he said I was just trying to present myself as being "exotic." I'm not kidding, the guy used my attempted honesty to psycho analyze me and when I got upset, said that I was taking him too seriously and that he wasn't even serious about the offer! He said that he thought I'd "find it funny." It wasn't until I blew up and cussed him out that he turned the sweet switch on, saying all the right words and everything.

    I can't figure out whether he's actually that empathetically bankrupt to the point of needing a tutor or whether he's just learned how to placate me whilst in his head he just sees me as being overly emotional or having an episode. Right now I'm thinking about paying off some money I owe him, then cutting him out like a bad cancer, but on some level I feel like I owe it to him to work through his personality flaws. He's helped me out so much and I've never been in a position where I was able to shoulder him in the same way, so I feel indebted.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
  7. ellie

    ellie Δ Staff Member Admin

    Okay well those details sort of change my perspective. Considering he has helped you out a lot I would say you owe it to him to at leafy give him a "come to Jesus" talk about his personality issues (as long as you don't think he will explode on you which it sounds like he won't). Let him know that you have tried to tell him in the past what has bothered you but it's getting to be too much and you don't think you'll be able to stay friends if it continues. Maybe say it a bit nicer than that but you get the idea.

    Honestly though I don't know how much you can do. I've known plenty of people like this (I could see this post being about my friend's off-on bf if it weren't for some of the smaller details being different) and they never seem to truly change unless they actually want to. You can tell him how much what he's doing hurts you til you're blue in the face and he might try to change it for a little bit, but it'll either be all talk, change for like a week and go back, or cause superficial changes without addressing the deeper issues.

    Who knows though, maybe you talking to him and making him realize you aren't going to put up with his insensitivity and lack of effort towards changing will be enough to make him actually think about how what he says/does will affect other people.
  8. Zazie

    Zazie So 1991

    So recently I tried to make plans to hang out with someone I kind of sort of know, due to us having mutual friends. She was totally down for it generally pretty friendly too, but the weather got in the way, but she said to keep her posted. I tried to reschedule the nest weekend, but she never bothered to respond. (all of this was over facebook chat, it said that she saw my message) I am not mad at her, but it was kind of rude and upsetting, because yo know, being ignored doesn't feel good. I was just going to continue on with my life as normal.

    But I am planning on going to an anime convention this weekend and because we have mutual friends, I think there is going to be a good chance we will run into each other at some point. And I don't know what to do if that happens. I can guess that either she will try and be friendly like nothing happened or probably not to start any conversation. But what should I do?

    I don't want to start drama or look like some sort of loser who can't take a hint. But it would be good if I could get some sort of apology, or know things are cool, and possibly still have the potential of having another person to hang out with on the table.
  9. ellie

    ellie Δ Staff Member Admin

    oops this might be too late already. but if it isnt...

    i would say just act normal and dont bring up the message directly at all. if you get to talking i would invite her to a specific event where others will be, if that is possible. she could have honestly missed the message (just because it says she saw it doesnt mean she actually did, or she could have been meaning to respond and forgot about it), or she could be trying to avoid you... her reaction will probably tell you. if she doesnt talk to you at all, i would maybe try and include her in a conversation in a group or something, but if she doesnt seem interested dont push it.
  10. Zazie

    Zazie So 1991

    Yeah, it a bit too late to apply to the convention because I am already back, But the advice is still useful if the situation comes up again.

    I might just invite her along to whatever next group event I do anyway, based on past interest on her part. Usually when you do that kind of stuff on facebook, it's just impersonal enough where it's not really going to feel like she is being pressured or anything.
  11. I-am-the-peel

    I-am-the-peel Justice Forever

    I'm 20 years old and have never been in a proper relationship with someone. Everytime I've gotten close to someone, they've either rejected me or (during schooltime) people spread rumours about me and bullied me to prevent me from getting close to someone.

    I'm at Uni. I'm friends with three girls who are the hottest in the class but they're all in relationships. I don't get much time to go out much and when I do its only to go to uni. I've been trying to make friends with the people in my uni class but they just don't want anything to do with each other. I'm trying to join a local society, but so far I've heard nothing. I've tried getting back in touch with old friends, but they just ignore my messages.

    What are my options for having good friends in my life who genuinely want go out with me and do stuff, and what are my options in finding someone to enter a relationship with and go out with?
  12. UnitRico

    UnitRico Well-Known Member

    This is a pretty good bet. What kind of societies are you trying to join? As for me, I've met some of my best friends in university by going to drinks and other random activities that are organised by my study association (eventually joining some of the organising committees myself, which not only get you more involved in the social aspect of studying but also teach you a lot of things and are in general really fun), so if there's something like that for your university or study I'd definitely recommend checking that option out.
  13. ellie

    ellie Δ Staff Member Admin

    i've pretty much made all of my friends through organizations, through classes/study groups, or through friends of friends. try joining clubs/activities that interest you (but not too many at once bc then you wont have time for all of them) and meeting up to study with people outside of class hours. as for the relationship, don't push it and just wait for it to happen naturally, if you try too hard you'll come off as desperate and no one wants someone who's desperate.
  14. Navin

    Navin MALDREAD

    Top kek. You're only 20 years old buddy.

    I'm a couple years older than you, and I still haven't been in a 'proper' relationship with anyone either. To be fair, there were two big opportunities - one of which I messed up and the other I friendzoned the girl (though when I did start to reciprocate later she friendzoned me :p ), that could have resulted in a lasting relationship. But point being, don't be ashamed of yourself.

    Well, you're not going to have much luck pursuing those three girls if they already are in relationships...

    If people are not willing to hang out, then there's nothing you can do. Just be yourself and ask if they want to chill, and if nothing happens, then leave it as it is. If you want to meet them outside of class, you can try organizing group study sessions, and that will naturally draw you guys together.

    Joining clubs/teams that you enjoy will definitely introduce you to like-minded people, and there's bound to be room for socialization.

    Call me old-fashioned, but I wouldn't recommend entering a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

    As for finding someone? It's the same way. Same classes, living in the same dorm/neighbors, or being in the same clubs. If you are interested in the person, just start to talking to her and let it play out. Go casually ask her if she wants to go get coffee or do something.

    Be yourself and don't act desperate and/or clingy. (Speaking from personal experience, don't act like this.)

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