The Official Advice Thread

[Malanu]

Sno that is true for physical liking, but I think sometimes you can like someone and not know they are The One till someone poke you with a stick!

My daughter's boyfriend for instance. She met him in College. They talked and had common interest, he treated her respectfully (to me it was obvious he was interested in dating her). They were good friends. She ended up dating one of his friends for a while, but he ended up being more into video games than hanging out with her. So I reminded her that the first guy showed signs of being good boyfriend material... after all he was willing to stand down so she could date the other guy. Well they have been together now for over/almost two years, she has been living with him and his dad for over a year, and is quite happy.

 

[pirate555]

Sno that is true for physical liking, but I think sometimes you can like someone and not know they are The One till someone poke you with a stick!

My daughter's boyfriend for instance. She met him in College. They talked and had common interest, he treated her respectfully (to me it was obvious he was interested in dating her). They were good friends. She ended up dating one of his friends for a while, but he ended up being more into video games than hanging out with her. So I reminded her that the first guy showed signs of being good boyfriend material... after all he was willing to stand down so she could date the other guy. Well they have been together now for over/almost two years, she has been living with him and his dad for over a year, and is quite happy.

Agreed; of course it's important to have that immediate attraction (by the sounds of it both P and Y are attractive to you at varying levels anyway), but if you don't end up forming a solid ground in the relationship it won't last - is Y someone you can see as a long term partner? If she isn't, but you're willing to have a fun relationship with her for the time being, then that's fine although be aware it will probably end any chance you have with P. Personally P sounds like she clicks with you more on a personality level by the way you wrote the story, and seeing as you wrote the story you feel likewise, right?

And unless it's a choice between chasing after someone who loathes you and getting together with someone who's been slipping love letters through your post box every day, try not to base partnering decisions on 'who's most likely to get with you'. You might get immediate results, but prioritising like that early on isn't a good sign. I'm not saying this is your thinking; it's just that a lot of the post was about how the girls responded to you. If one's backing away then it's a fair problem, but if it's a small difference in reactions to you then it shouldn't decide who you want to go out with.





Advice question: Over the last 2 years I've gained in confidence around friends/strangers alike, and my self-esteem is healthy. But where I used to be fine with public speaking/performing piano concerts/being interviewed a few years ago, I've gradually deteriorated and my nerves threaten to ruin me every time I stand up to give a presentation, attend a job interview or give a music recital. The last lecture I gave was such a worry that I was sleepless for 2 nights, and as a precaution I took medication before it. But I don't want to resort to that again, and I'm about to hit the work environment where I'll have to overcome this public anxiety, fast. Any help?

 

[GhostAnime]

What's so impossible about gradually loving someone more and more? It's clear that love grows.

Even if we're talking about physical attraction, feelings can make us biased pretty easily.

 

[Snorunt conservationist]

Sno that is true for physical liking

Which is the basis for every worthwhile attraction. However, I honestly can't see how you can't tell within thirty minutes whether you like someone or not, both looks wise and personality wise. Either you want to hear more from them and think they're hot or you don't.

My daughter's boyfriend for instance. She met him in College. They talked and had common interest, he treated her respectfully (to me it was obvious he was interested in dating her). They were good friends. She ended up dating one of his friends for a while, but he ended up being more into video games than hanging out with her. So I reminded her that the first guy showed signs of being good boyfriend material... after all he was willing to stand down so she could date the other guy. Well they have been together now for over/almost two years, she has been living with him and his dad for over a year, and is quite happy.

So what happened is that he almost blew his chance because he tried to be "respectful" instead of actually, you know, asking her out. Sounds like a winner.

Let's also highlight that our original poster has literally said he's becoming attracted to P because Y isn't present. It's the ultimate substitute scenario.

Advice question: Over the last 2 years I've gained in confidence around friends/strangers alike, and my self-esteem is healthy. But where I used to be fine with public speaking/performing piano concerts/being interviewed a few years ago, I've gradually deteriorated and my nerves threaten to ruin me every time I stand up to give a presentation, attend a job interview or give a music recital. The last lecture I gave was such a worry that I was sleepless for 2 nights, and as a precaution I took medication before it. But I don't want to resort to that again, and I'm about to hit the work environment where I'll have to overcome this public anxiety, fast. Any help?

I know people who've been helped by breathing exercises. Otherwise you could have a crafty cigarette or two whenever you feel extra stressed, it honestly helps me out. Apparently it helps if you need the toilet as well prior to making the speech. Honestly.

What's so impossible about gradually loving someone more and more? It's clear that love grows.

Love and attraction are chasms apart.

 

[Malanu]

So what happened is that he almost blew his chance because he tried to be "respectful" instead of actually, you know, asking her out. Sounds like a winner.

Not sure if you are being sarcastic, but yeah I would not be unhappy if my daughter married this guy... so long as he (or she) gets a good paying job before they do.

Love and attraction are chasms apart.

Yet they are integral parts of one another.

 

[GhostAnime]

Either you want to hear more from them and think they're hot or you don't.

Some people take time to warm up to show their "true" personality. Some facts are unknown about a person. You aren't going to know all there is to know about a person in 30 minutes. I mean, if you literally thought about it. Now if you visited their house for a day, maybe. But a 30 minute conversation?

 

[Snorunt conservationist]

Some people take time to warm up to show their "true" personality. Some facts are unknown about a person. You aren't going to know all there is to know about a person in 30 minutes. I mean, if you literally thought about it. Now if you visited their house for a day, maybe. But a 30 minute conversation?

I'm not saying you should be head over heels, but you should certainly be

a. significantly more attracted than when the conversation began
b. have identified some mutual interests/ have an idea of their personality within these thirty minutes.


If you're not itching to know more after 30, you're probably not that interested.

 

[Malanu]

It's been my experience and observation that if you're basing your relationship on :30 minutes the relationship is shallow and probably based on physical attraction and thus doomed to failure.

In :30 or less I knew if I wanted to jump in bed with a woman, but not if she was material for being Mrs. Malanu! ...That took just under thirty days

 

[GhostAnime]

If you're not itching to know more after 30, you're probably not that interested.

If you're merely talking about "interest" .. yeah, that happens. I'd even go as far as to say that it's common.

But then you have scales of interest. Romantic interest? Friendship interest?

In many cases, the guy is the pursuer who wants to know more while the girl is sorta like "eh", but for many, attraction also takes trust, those moments of sharing sensitive/personal information, etc.

It certainly isn't impossible to know whether you want to know a person more in 30 minutes, but there are times when it takes that one act of kindness/trustworthiness to get others started, too.

 

[Haru Glory]

This is a valid point that I should have made yesterday. There is a strong degree of evidence here that P is acting as a Y substitute.

In addition to which, I'm personally of the opinion that you can't gradually fall for someone. You think they're attractive or not. You should really know within 30 mins of meeting someone if you are attracted to them.

Well, well, I honestly think this is not real. Atleast for me. You can't know within 30 minutes if you really like a person or not. You just have a general opinion on him/her, depending even on how much did you have talked with him/her, and how your feeling is (still referring about communication). Then, you can say "He/She is a good person" and you can tell if you find him/her physically attractive. For how much you know something of a person within 30 minutes, 1 hour or stuff like that, you can't say "I like him/her". Not in the intention of dating him/her out with you.

And, yes, you got my point: as for now, P is acting like a Y substitute for you: if you can't have Y, go with P. That's what you're thinking IHMO.
And, it's the wrong way: you ALWAYS, and I say ALWAYS, have to try to reach what you want in your life, even if it's love, work, or anything else. Try always for the best you can, and if you fail, try again! That's my point of view about life.

(I hope you all got what I meant before in this post: I'm Italian and I could have made some mistakes in my sentences, bear with me.)

 

[UnovaMaster]

I'm just gonna say it, you have no chance with Y. Just settle for P, they sound better anyways.

 

[Gelatino95]

In addition to which, I'm personally of the opinion that you can't gradually fall for someone. You think they're attractive or not. You should really know within 30 mins of meeting someone if you are attracted to them.

Well, this isn't entirely true for me. There was this one girl I knew in middle school who really annoyed me (honestly) but now we're good friends.

 

[Josiah]

I'm not saying you should be head over heels, but you should certainly be

a. significantly more attracted than when the conversation began
b. have identified some mutual interests/ have an idea of their personality within these thirty minutes.


If you're not itching to know more after 30, you're probably not that interested.

One of my best friends is in a relationship with a girl that he knew for several months without even being remotely interested. Heck, I dated a girl like that and that's my current standing with another one of my friends. I knew her for about three months before I thought of her as possibly being more than a friend.

Just because your experiences and personality lend toward quick interest doesn't mean everyone else is the same.

 

[Crimson-Wolf]

People change all the time, acknowledge change or be left behind.

 

[intergalactic platypus]

What's so impossible about gradually loving someone more and more? It's clear that love grows.

Speaking as someone who was good friends with my significant other for about 3 years before a relationship formed, I agree with this. Love is not an instantaneous process, and sometimes attraction isn't either.

 

[kaiser soze]

My two cents on the attraction debate:

Spoiler: Spoiling this because it has a bit of adult content, so I don't want the middle school and under crowd reading this..

First, we must distinguish between being friends and in a relationship. The most obvious difference: when you're in a relationship, there's an element of sexual attraction. So, if you are ever going to be in a relationship with someone, there needs to be some sexual attraction between the two.

It's a shame I can't find it right now, but there's a Barney Stinson quote that goes something along the lines of "a woman decides if there is ever a chance she would sleep with a guy within the first 15 minutes she meets him." How many guys have heard of/used the binary scale of hotness before (as opposed to judging on a scale from 1-10: 1=you would sleep with them if you got the chance, 0=you would never sleep with them)? Among our first impressions of someone is their sexual attractiveness, and it is extremely hard to edit first impressions of someone, especially at the subconscious level. As much as we try to tell ourselves we don't, humans make several judgements.

What I'm trying to get at is this: you may not like someone as a whole upon the first time you meet, but physical attraction is very powerful and a key part of why people get in relationships. So if there is no shred of physical attraction (which can be judged pretty quickly and doesn't change quickly), it probably won't happen.

 

[Malanu]

And, yes, you got my point: as for now, P is acting like a Y substitute for you: if you can't have Y, go with P. That's what you're thinking IHMO.
And, it's the wrong way: you ALWAYS, and I say ALWAYS, have to try to reach what you want in your life, even if it's love, work, or anything else. Try always for the best you can, and if you fail, try again! That's my point of view about life.

(I hope you all got what I meant before in this post: I'm Italian and I could have made some mistakes in my sentences, bear with me.)

I was given permission to bring this up. as the OP is 15 that makes the girl (Y IIRC) only 13.

Now to elaborate, the statutory laws (I was told) are more tolerant in the Philippines. So there isn't as much a legal issue with dating as young as these two are. BUT I also warned him about the parents (from my own perspective) not being particularly thrilled of their "baby" being wooed by an older boy. I gave him my opinion in a PM, but asked if he'd be alright if these points were brought to the public to discuss. So here it is, Does the actual ages make a difference in your advice folks?

 

[varanus_komodoensis]

I was given permission to bring this up. as the OP is 15 that makes the girl (Y IIRC) only 13.

Now to elaborate, the statutory laws (I was told) are more tolerant in the Philippines. So there isn't as much a legal issue with dating as young as these two are. BUT I also warned him about the parents (from my own perspective) not being particularly thrilled of their "baby" being wooed by an older boy. I gave him my opinion in a PM, but asked if he'd be alright if these points were brought to the public to discuss. So here it is, Does the actual ages make a difference in your advice folks?

Age certainly makes a difference, at least in extreme situations (such as a much older man dating a teenager). Two years, however, isn't really a big deal to me. In this case, a 15-year-old boy dating a 13-year-old girl, I don't think age is going to make a huge difference in their relationship, especially since the boy is older.

 

[JoshYEAH]

Age certainly makes a difference, at least in extreme situations (such as a much older man dating a teenager). Two years, however, isn't really a big deal to me. In this case, a 15-year-old boy dating a 13-year-old girl, I don't think age is going to make a huge difference in their relationship, especially since the boy is older.

tbh the peole who say age is just a number also probably say jail is just a room

so yeah it is totes no big deal

 

[bel9]

I have a case of the mounchise
Do I esat Spicy Nacho Doristos? or Blazing Buffalo Ranch?

TELL ME SPFF!!!